Archie:
Hey, all of youse!
Huh?
- Hey, hey, hey.
- Didn't youse hear me callin' you?
No, what, what?
Come on out in the alley.
I got a surprise to show you.
Hey, what's goin' on?
Archie says he's got
a surprise for us
in the alley.
Jose:
Oh, man.
The last guy that told me
he had a surprise for me
in the alley
tried to kiss me.
- Huh? Huh, huh?
- Huh, huh?
Ain't that nifty?
Compared to what?
Don't be funny, huh?
I seen this truck before.
Yeah, well,
I wouldn't be surprised.
I bought it over
at Webster's Lumber Yard.
No, I think I seen it
on Iwo Jima.
Aw, knock it off.
This happens to be
a hell of a bargain. $400.
You know what
old man Webster done, huh?
He put my name
right on the side
here for free.
Decals. I used to stick
them on my lunchbox
in the third grade.
Shush, you.
"Archie Bunker's Lace."
Ain't that sweet?
All right, all right.
Jose, when you get
a minute, could you
make a "P" on the truck?
- Sure, boss.
- If you want me to.
- Don't look like that.
- You know what I got here?
Yeah, you got ripped off.
Will you get in there
and just start it up?
I'm talkin' about what's
under this hood.
It happens to be the last
of the Studebaker V8s
powerin' this monster.
May be the finest non-Jap
engine we ever made.
Archie: Hey, hey, hey.
All right. A little
smoke at the start.
That means the carbinator
needs adjustin'.
So take it over
to that cousin of yours
that has the auto shop.
Julio's a mechanic,
not a magician.
Take it over, will you?
Now? Hey, boss,
I gotta make lunch.
Today's Veronica's day off.
Just tell Hoo-la-hoo
to bring you right back,
that's all.
- But don't go joyridin' in the truck, you know?
- I mean, showin' off.
You ain't gotta
worry about that.
Take off.
Okay, the fun's over, everybody.
Come on, let's get
back to work, huh?
Go ahead. Go ahead, huh?
Archie:
Back to work.
And I don't understand
why you always got
that sour puss on.
You know what
this means, don't you?
It means I don't have to
borrow your truck no more.
Well, that's one bright spot.
Harry, I took one
look at that machine,
I says to myself,
"Seven sweet years
of service ahead."
Better step outside
and take another look.
Please don't always
think the worst.
That don't have to be Jose!
That sure sounded like Jose.
I know.
- Hey, boss, boss, I'm sorry.
- It wasn't my fault.
Oh, Jose, please don't
tell me what happened.
What the hell happened?
I was pullin' out of the alley,
and I hit the brake
and my foot went
through the floor.
I knew it. I knew it.
I never should have let
you go with that truck.
You wrecked my truck!
Jose, are you all right?
Yeah, I'm okay. I...
- He's all right.
- He's walkin', ain't he?
Jose, stop thinkin'
about yourself.
How bad is my truck?
It's pretty bad, boss.
- Archie: Oh, God.
- What did you hit?
My Rolls-Royce.
Harry:
Reggie Jackson!
Oh, Reggie Jackson!
You're Reggie Jackson?
That's right.
- Oh, geez.
- Hey, I'm delighted to meet you there.
My name is Archie Bunker.
Hey, Reg. Hi!
I'm Harry Snowden.
Why'd you leave the Yankees?
I'm sorry, Harry,
but I'm not here
to talk baseball.
He ain't here to
talk baseball, Harry.
- Come on, get outta there.
- Don't you know there's been an accident?
Let's deal with that here.
- Gee, Reggie, eh...
- How much damage did my menial do?
He ran into
the back of my Rolls.
It's gotta be at least
$3,000 to fix it.
Oh, God. $3,000.
Oh, Jose, you're in trouble.
But I tried to stop.
- Oh, that don't cut no ice.
- Everybody says that.
- But don't worry.
- Geez, Reggie's gonna be easy on you.
Ain't that right, Reggie?
I mean, you're gonna
be easy on this
pitiful guy, here.
Hey, you know,
he's a foreigner, so he's
poor and he's ignorant.
Him? Man,
you're responsible.
I didn't run into you.
Your name's on
the side of the truck.
Yeah, but I can pull
them c*ck
off of there in a minute.
- You can do what you want.
- You're still the owner.
But, but, Reggie,
let's look at it this here way.
When that fly ball
bounced off your chest,
they didn't give
George Steinbrenner
the error.
- Nice try, Bunker.
- But I'm not buying.
I'm sure your
insurance company
will take care of it.
Now, what's the name
of your company?
Well, listen, Reggie, uh...
Do we really have to bother
the insurance companies over
a little thing like that?
I mean, after all,
both our vehicles
got smashed,
so what do you say you pay
for yours, I pay for mine?
You gotta be kidding.
Bunker, your truck
is worth about as much
as the hubcaps on my Rolls.
Now, what's the name
of the company?
Well, Reggie, to tell you
the truth, at the moment,
I am without insurance.
But I tell you
what I'm gonna do.
I'm gonna run out and get
some, and then I'll have
the company call you.
That ain't the way
it works, Arch.
No, it ain't the way it works.
The way it works is,
you got no insurance,
you pay yourself.
Well, now I hate to say this,
but I'm afraid
I'm gonna have to be firm.
I ain't gonna pay nothin'.
Archie, you really have to.
- What are you talkin' about, I have to?
- It ain't fair.
It ain't fair to
the small man like me,
who's gotta pay anything
to Reggie Jackson,
who makes millions
and millions of dollars
doin' somethin'
that really is nothin' but fun.
Ain't that right, Reggie?
Look, can't we just
discuss the accident?
Hey, Babe Ruth didn't
need all of the millions
that he's got here,
but he hit more home runs.
Didn't he, Reg?
And I'm leavin' aside
all the millions of dollars
you made
doin' them commercials there.
I mean, you don't
wanna take advantage
of a small guy.
Why would you do that?
I'm not gonna do anything.
- My lawyer will.
- I'll see you in court.
Hey, well,
wait a minute, Reggie.
Hey, you know,
I got a lawyer, too,
and I'm gonna
call him right away.
Nice meetin' you, Reg!
Don't say that!
Young Rabinowitz?
Hello, Bunker.
This is important.
Where's your uncle?
Well, you see,
there were two urgent cases.
There was
an axe m*rder*r and you.
Yeah?
My uncle insisted on
taking the axe m*rder*r.
Well, what about me?
Now, you know this case.
What's your firm
gonna do about it?
- Don't worry.
- We contacted Jackson's lawyer through the club office,
and we're trying
to settle for a
reasonable amount.
- And then?
- Then you'll pay it.
Pay? What are you talkin'...
Hey, hey.
Don't be payin' any
attention to us over here.
Reggie Jackson was here
talkin' about $3,000.
Well, maybe we can
arrange for you to pay
it off in installments.
Installments.
Oh, I see what you mean.
We kind of get rid of it
over 25 or 30 years, huh?
Uh, Bunker,
don't think about it.
The more you think,
the worse things get.
- Now, listen.
- Reggie and his lawyer are still in Astoria,
so they said they'd try
to drop by the office.
Wait a minute,
wait a minute. Would you
please tell me one thing?
What the hell
he's doing out
here in Astoria?
He's gonna buy
a shopping center.
A shopping center?
Don't he own enough?
My God, the man's even
got a candy bar.
How much more does he want?
$3,000.
Just sit tight.
I'll get back to you
when there's something
to talk about.
Listen, please.
All I wanna hear
is good news.
Tell your Uncle Abe.
You know, Bunker,
this whole thing would
have been a whole lot easier
if you'd just said a few
kind words to the man.
Listen, you're a young guy.
You don't know nothing
about this world.
"Kind words."
Let me tell you something.
Kind words is for
puppies, not people.
You know, there's
an old Jewish saying.
"A person without insurance
should be a very
quiet person."
Aw, geez.
Did you hear
the lawyer here, huh?
"Kind words."
I'm supposed to be nice to him.
Listen, let me
tell you somethin'.
If a sweet guy
like George Steinbrenner
can't be nice
to a Reggie Jackson,
why expect a miracle from me?
Excuse me, Mr. Bunker.
What did you do?
No, I mean, I'm Dennis Vidmar
of Consolidated Wire Service.
I understand that your
truck smashed into Reggie
Jackson's Rolls-Royce.
See? See? See? Now the press
has got a hold of this.
Reggie Jackson is news.
How'd he react?
Oh, I ain't gonna talk
to no newspaperman.
Gee, take a hike.
- Kind words, Arch.
- Huh?
Kind words.
Hold it there, Consolidated...
Get back here.
Sit down, sit down.
You got your pencil
and your scratchpad there?
- You want me to talk about Reggie Jackson, huh?
- -Yeah.
All right.
I ain't got nothin'
but the kindest words
to say of that man.
Now...
- Reggie?
- Hi.
- Hey, hey, hey.
- I don't believe it, Reggie Jackson.
You've come back.
What are you doin' here?
Oh, hey, gee,
I'm awful glad
to see you, Reggie.
Harry, give Reggie
somethin' to drink
on the house, huh?
Just coffee, Harry.
Yeah, what are you
doin' offerin' booze
to a great athlete?
Use your head.
Reggie, I'm awful
glad you come back.
I wanted to explain
things to you, you know?
Uh...
What I said to you when
you was here before...
See, them was just remarks
that was made,
like the poet says,
in the heat of passing.
You know what I mean?
Look, I gotta pay for your car.
No argument there.
But what we was
wondering was whether
we could kind of stretch
out the payments,
you know, for a while.
Like the government allowed
that guy Lee Iaccola.
You mean Iacocca.
- Coca-Cola.
- It's the same thing.
Well, that's what
I stopped in for.
Your attorney
called my attorney,
and told me that
you're always having
financial problems.
And I don't want to break you.
So, I think
installments will be fine.
Reggie, you're a great guy,
you know that?
And a generous guy.
What I been sayin'
here all day long?
"Great and generous."
Your exact words.
Hey, hey, Reggie,
would you sign my apron?
- No.
- Sure.
Go ahead.
Write "To
Harry Snowden."
Barney:
Hey, Arch?
Arch, did you see
the early edition?
You made the sports page.
- I did?
- Yeah.
- You're in the paper?
- Archie: Ah, I don't know.
- Right there.
- Could I see that?
No, pal, get your own paper!
Reggie Jackson!
Hey! Take the paper, pal.
I'll even turn
the pages for you.
That won't be necessary.
Hey, do you know that
I keep your baseball card
right here in my wallet?
Come on, Barney, Barney,
come on, will you?
Get a hold of yourself here.
Hey, Reggie,
this must be that
interview I gave here.
"Bunker had these comments.
"Reggie Jackson was born
to be a good player.
After all, he's a colored guy.
Sure, he makes too much money,
but while we're getting
mad at that, let's give
him a little credit.
The guy could be
working at a car wash.
I know he's out
on the town every night
drinking and carousing,
but that don't prove for sure
he threw the last game
of the World Series."
Huh?
But that could explain it.
But at the same time,
we got to give this man
the benefits of all
the doubts against him.
I think I said that
some place in there.
Bunker, not only do I want
all my money now,
but I'm gonna hit you
with the largest slander suit
that you ever dreamed of.
Wait a minute.
Did something I said
in there make you sore?
Bunker, one more
word out of you,
and I'm gonna start using
you for batting practice.
What'd I do?
Hey, hey, Reg.
Wait a minute.
Hey, sign my card.
You know, he seemed
like a really nice guy.
But then why did he
turn so moody?
t
T ta
t talk
t talkin
t talkin'
t talkin' to
t talkin' to n
t talkin' to no
t talkin' to no mo
t talkin' to no more
t talkin' to no more re
t talkin' to no more repo
t talkin' to no more report
t talkin' to no more reporter
t talkin' to no more reporters!
T talkin' to no more
reporters! G
t talkin' to no more
reporters! Get
t talkin' to no more
reporters! Get a
t talkin' to no more
reporters! Get awa
t talkin' to no more
reporters! Get away
t talkin' to no more
reporters! Get away fr
t talkin' to no more
reporters! Get away from
t talkin' to no more
reporters! Get away from m
t talkin' to no more
reporters! Get away from me!
Hell of a nerve following me...
from my place of business
to my place of residence there.
See this? Hounded
everywheres by the press.
God, that's the one reason
I could never be president.
Did you see the paper today?
Oh, leave me alone with that.
You made me a celebrity
at school.
Oh, get me a beer.
"In response to
Bunker's comments..."
Don't read that.
"Jackson's lawyers
announced today..."
Don't read that!
"their intention to
initiate legal action
against Bunker."
She reads it anyway, huh?
Will you get me a beer?
Don't go away,
I'll be right back.
Just get the beer.
I want you to know
I'm really sorry
all this happened.
Oh, well, Mrs. Canby,
it's nice to know
that at least one person
is thinkin' of me.
I want to go to court with you.
Aw, that's very nice
of you, Mrs. Canby.
I want to meet Reggie.
No. No!
I may not even
be goin' to court.
I got all seven
Rabinowitzes workin'
on this thing for me.
And Mr. Reggie Jackson
is gonna find out
what millions of Arabs
have already found out.
You don't mess around
with a handful of Jews.
I need a favor from you.
Where's the beer?
I'll get you a beer.
What is all of this, huh?
Stuff for you to get
Reggie to autograph.
I told my friends
you could get it
when you see him in court.
Okay, now, try to remember this.
Phil Rogers wants his
glove to say,
"To my best pal, Phil."
This is a nightmare.
And Eric Carlson, he wants this.
He wants this thingie to say...
I don't care what any
of your annoying little
playmates wants.
I'll get it.
It's probably another one
of them damn reporters.
I don't want to talk to nobody.
What should I say?
Tell 'em I just croaked.
Hi, I'd like to speak
to Mr. Bunker, please.
He just croaked.
Can I pay my respects?
No, no, no, honey.
Not to him.
Get away from the door.
Please, come on in,
Rabinowitz.
Don't pay any attention
to the kid. She's
gone a little daffy
from listenin' to Nick Dagger.
- Yeah, I know how it is.
- It's the same with my kid brother.
Rabinowitz, don't tell me
about your tragedies.
I got enough of my own!
- Hello, I'm Ellen Canby.
- Hi.
I was wondering,
when you take this case
to court,
can I come with you
and meet Reggie?
- No, no, no!
- I told you before, no!
Now the two of
youse please get
outta here, will you?
We got important business
to discuss.
I told you to get
that stuff outta here!
Okay, but I'm gonna be
back, and you're gonna
get Reggie to sign this.
See? I'm losin' control
of the house here.
Bunker, please tell me.
When you said all
those awful things
to the press,
what were you thinking?
Absolutely nothin'.
That's what I figured.
Maybe we can plead insanity.
Hey, that sounds
like a good idea.
'Cause Reggie Jackson
nearly went nuts down
at the saloon, you know.
We could maybe even get
Billy Martin to come
and testify for our side.
He could say
that Jackson sees red
whenever you treat him white.
That's a clever strategy,
Bunker, but why waste it?
You know, I don't think
that Reggie could prove
that your comments have
injured him in any way.
Just the opposite.
I mean, after
readin' that article,
anybody who never liked
Reggie Jackson before
is bound to like him now.
That's true.
Nevertheless, Reggie
is plenty mad. He can afford
to keep suing you for years.
- Oh, I know, I know.
- What do we do?
All right, two things.
We've been talking to
Jackson's lawyer.
Now, we're trying
to convince him
that your comments were
exaggerated by the press.
Reggie's gotta understand
how that can happen.
But that's what happened here.
A few kind words
and the press turned it
into a race w*r.
Then we go see Reggie,
and you beg for mercy.
Me?
Don't I pay you a big fee
to do my beggin'?
I've been earning my fee.
This I can't do for you.
He's gotta see you in person.
He has to see
the shame in your eyes.
Come on. Let's go.
- Now?
- Now. He's expecting us.
Oh, terrific, terrific.
Uncle Abe set up the meeting.
And, look, when
you get there,
try to look sorry.
Can you do that?
Oh, don't worry about that.
Hey, when I have to,
I can be the sorriest-looking
guy you ever seen.
Reggie:
Strike one.
Strike two. 0-2.
- Home run!
- Beat you again.
- It's probably them.
- All right.
Yeah, Carl. What is it?
- Carl: There are two gentlemen here to see you, Mr.
- Jackson.
A young man, and, frankly,
I don't know how to describe
this other gentleman.
- Archie: Uh, he's talking about me, Reggie.
- Archie Bunker...
All right. Send them up.
Archie:
We'll be up in a minute.
- All right.
- Now, how do we get there?
Carl:
First, you let go
of the phone.
Archie: You can take
the phone and you know
what you can do with it.
You know,
if it was up to me,
I wouldn't do it like this.
I mean, this cat, man,
is a real 24-carat bigot.
Look, Reg, you need two things.
An apology and this promise
to pay an estimated $3,300.
Suing a small businessman
from Queens could
hurt your image.
Boy, I tell you.
The things I do for baseball.
But I still reserve the right
to change my mind.
I'll get it.
- Oh, hiya there.
- Here we are.
- A little classy.
- They have a Jap butler.
Hello, Counselor.
I'm Gary Rabinowitz.
- Counselor.
- Mr. Jackson.
You can close the doors now.
Here he is himself,
Mr. November.
Mr. October.
- Huh?
- They call me Mr. October.
Oh, well, October's
a way better month.
Mr. Jackson,
I want to thank you
for letting us come see you.
We won't stay very long.
Good.
Well, wait,
we're gonna stay long enough
for me to look around
this place, huh, Reg?
You know, it ain't often
a guy like me
gets a chance
to see the apartment
of a big time ballplayer.
Wow!
Gee!
And I read in the Enquirer
that you got about
20 other places like this.
Bunker, do you believe
everything you read
in the paper?
Do you know? It's funny.
I'm always asking people
that myself.
I mean, the press likes
to sensationalize
the most ordinary events.
- Hey, hey, hey.
- Books. Books here.
You read, huh, Reg?
Those are video cassettes
of the World Series.
Oh, these are the videos
of the Series, here, huh?
- Oh, yeah, sure.
- Here they are.
Here's the three you played
with Oakland there.
And the '77 and '78
with the Yankees here.
You got the '81 Series
where you got beat by
the little, fat Mexican kid?
Uh, my secretary
accidentally erased those.
Oh.
Now, what was it
you fellows came to say?
Uh, right. What was it
you came to say?
Well, you know, like you said...
Reggie, I came here...
to beg and show
the shame in my eyes.
Look, Mr. Jackson.
- Mr.
- Bunker doesn't always mean things the way they sound.
For instance, he's
referred to my uncle
occasionally as a hebe.
Well, his uncle happens
to be Jewish.
- In fact, so is he.
- It runs through their whole family.
- See what I mean?
- This guy is unreal.
That's my point.
You see, in some people,
that would be
plainly malicious,
but with Mr. Bunker,
it's really a thoughtless
habit. He doesn't...
Could I talk for a minute here?
I mean, I wanna say what
I feel and cut through
all of this here garbage.
Now, Reggie, I want you to know
that what I said there
in the paper, they was
meant to be nice things.
Nice things?
- Yes, nice things.
- But somehow, I don't know how,
the lousy press
got the whole thing
misconscrewed.
But now I'm here in person,
I want to say
what's in my heart.
Now, I ain't got a son.
But if I had a son,
and if by some strange chance
he happened to be colored...
I'd say to him, "Kid...
I don't know how this happened,
but if you wanna make your
old white daddy very happy,
you'll leave home...
and turn out to be
another Reggie Jackson."
You know, I could never
sue anyone like you.
You couldn't?
Could you see me
spending five years
in court listening to you?
No! How could
you play ball?
Well, about
the money, Counselor...
Have your client sign this,
return it to our office
with a check included
in the amount indicated.
That's fine.
No hard feelings, huh?
That's easy for you to say.
I think, uh,
we've taken up
enough of your time.
You got that right.
Let's go, Bunker.
- All right.
- Don't be hustlin' me out before I have a chance to say somethin' here.
Reggie, it's been
swell meetin' you.
You know, Bunker,
I don't get a chance
to meet many guys
like you anymore.
Well, Reggie, there's
damned few of us left.
You know, sometimes I wonder...
It's a thought, huh?
Bunker, could we go now?
Will you give me a chance
to ask for the man's
autographed picture?
I'll send you one.
Swell.
And it all turned out good, huh?
Well, one thing good
did happen meeting you.
Yeah, yeah, what?
I sure think a heck
of a lot more of
George Steinbrenner.
Glad to help, Reg.
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