03x09 - Growing Up Is Hard to Do: Part 2

[bunniefuu]

Narrator: Last week,
on Archie Bunker's Place..

What are we gonna do
for my Bat Mitzvah?

They got Fat Freda on there.
She's fightin'
the Elephant Lady.

This here's
a grudge match there.

We gotta plan my reception.
It's only two weeks away.

- Aw, come on, kid.
- Give me a break, will ya?

I can't figure out
them Jewish affairs.

You gotta ask somebody else
that's been persecuted there.
Ask Mrs. Canby.

Archie, it's not fitting
to hold a religious event
in a saloon.

Hey, listen,
all religions come in here
lookin' for money.

I don't want it here
or in a country club.

I want it home.

- Stephie!
- Dad!

- Archie, I'm here for Stephie's Bat Mitzvah.
- That's all.

Archie: Get outta here.

You never went
outta your way for anybody
in your life but yourself.

I now ask that
Stephanie's father
please come forward.

Well, it seems some people
are fortunate enough
to have two fathers.

Mr. Bunker...

Thank you very much, Rabbi.

How you doing, sis?

When I joined the temple here

so's that I could get
the kid in school

to learn all of this
she's done today,

I never thought
I was gonna have to
spend so much time here.

But, I mean, you know,
it ain't been as bad as
I thought it was gonna be.

- Which is to say, it's all been swell.
- And particularly today.

Beautiful ceremonial here,
and all the lovely music.

I think Benny Goodman
used to play one of
these tunes at times.

But what I mean to say is that,

when we first found out
that the child was Jewish,

you know, jeez,
you could have knocked
me over with a brick.

My late wife, Edith,
she believed it right away,
you know, but,

I mean,
when the kid said to me,
"I'm Jewish,"

the first thought come
to my mind was,
"You gotta be kidding."

Well, it all
worked out good,
you know.

I mean, I've been
handling it right
all along.

I mean, no sweat to me at all.

I just, maybe, had to give up

a couple
of my favorite jokes
around the house.

Anyway, I think the kid
turned out terrific.

I just want to say
to you, Stephanie,

that... that I'm proud
of you today,

and I'm proud of you
every day of the year.

I'll just wrap it up

with a word that
all you Jews use

- whenever youse are happy there.
- Molotov.

Thank you, Mr. Bunker.

And now,
our Bat Mitzvah girl,
Stephanie.

Honored Rabbi, Canter,
friends and relatives.

I want to thank all of you

for the privilege of
becoming an adult
in your eyes.

I want to thank
my grandmother,
my Uncle Archie,

and my father, Floyd,
for being here today,

which probably wasn't
easy for him to do.

- Finally...
- I had a famous quote.

Instead I want to say that
today is very special for me.

And what would make it
even more special

is if everyone could
get along together.

I hope you take note of that.

Thank you.
Mazel tov.

We will now turn
to page 26
for Adon Olam.

Is there more?

Okay, now this time, smile.

Okay, now, smile.

That wasn't so bad, now, was it?

Hey, you're paid
to take pictures,
not ask questions.

You promised to be nice.

You can't be nice
to photographers,
they take advantage.

The next thing you know,
they're into the punch bowl.

The next thing, you wind up
with 8 by 10 glossies
of the potato salad.

Come on, honey,
let's us go taste
the punch.

Mmm.

You don't have to taste
no punch, though, Floyd,
huh?

Great party, Arch!

Oh, God, look at you,

three sheeps
to the wind already.

Are... Are you counting
your drinks?

Why should I?
I ain't paying for them.

You know... you know,
Arch, just between us,
this ain't my suit.

It's a loaner from the cleaners.

You think anybody noticed?

Well, they are asking
where you left your
organ grinder.

That's nice.

Having a good time, darling?

It's a great party, Grandma.

You know how to really
throw a good party.

Well, all it takes is planning.

And in this case,
a lot of courage,

and a great caterer
who does all the work.

You know, what you said
in the temple today,

about our all
getting along,
that was lovely.

But you know,
life is complicated.

You see, we all want
what's best for you.

Archie, and I, and Floyd.

- But, we disagree about...
- Excuse me.

- Oh, I'm sorry to interrupt...
- - Go ahead.

- Could you come here a second?
- - We'll talk later.

Sure.

Thanks.

Now, you stand right there.

Look, we didn't know
what to get you,
so what we did was

- we all chipped in and we got you...
- Ta-da!

Who says
money doesn't grow
on trees, huh?

That's terrific.
You didn't have
to do that.

I know.
But I had a great time
folding all those bills.

And listen, Stephie,
you buy whatever
you want with it.

Preferably something
that'll drive Archie crazy.

Hey, Dad,
look what my friends
down at the bar got me.

Look at that,
it's a money tree, huh?

- Well, you'd...
- You'd better take good care of that.

Oh, I am. I'm gonna
put it all in the bank
and save it.

That's smart.

Hey, Stephie,
I'll take it upstairs

and I'll put it in your room.

- Stephanie: Okay.
- Okay.

Thanks, Veronica.

Thanks, all of you.

I'm really glad you're all here.

Say, isn't it about time
we gave Stephie
her money tree?

Come on, Barney,
let's get you
a cup of coffee.

Oh, no, no, no coffee.

You know, I always say,
"Never mix, never worry."

- Barney?
- Huh?

Help me pick out some
expensive hors d'oeuvres,
huh?

Sure.

Mr. Van R.,
do you think my suit
looks funny?

- Not to me.
- Ah, good.

Excuse me.

We haven't had a chance to talk.

- Let's sit down.
- Okay.

- Talk to you later, then.
- - All right.

- Okay, bye.
- Bye.

Boy, this is a beautiful spread.

Yeah, but it's a spread of what?

These are knishes, that's kugel.

That's kishka.

- What the...
- What's this?

Meatballs.

Oh, yeah, I recognize them.

These is your...
Klugals, huh?
Let me taste...

- That's kishka.
- Oh.

- This is kind of delicious.
- What is it?

Stuffed intestines.

The Jews would turn up
their nose at a pork chop
and eat that?

And then I
bounced around
for a while, you know.

Roanoke, Charleston...

Till I finally
ended up in Miami.

And that's...

And that's when things began
to come around good for me,
you know.

You know,
if this investment
thing works out,

You know, I could be
up here all the time.

Wouldn't that be great?

Yeah, I guess.

If only somebody
gives a guy like me
a second chance.

You know, the banks,
they don't exactly
roll out the red carpet

for a guy who's
had a few bad debts.

It's not easy getting a loan.

Uncle Archie says
banks only loan money to
people who don't need it.

Yeah, I guess.

So, sometimes
you have to look
for other sources.

Your grandmother, for instance.

- But you know, maybe...
- maybe she won't want to help me out.

Maybe she would,

if you stayed around
for a while and
proved yourself.

Yeah, right.

Hey...

- What am I bothering you with all this for?
- This is your big day.

Look, I... I brought
you something. Here.

- It was...
- It was your mother's.

It's an heirloom.

I was going to sell it,
but I sure am glad
I didn't.

It's beautiful.

Hey, you know what?

So are you.

Just like your mom.

- Hey, Arch!
- Huh?

Oh, geez, Bloom.

Hey, I gotta admit,

you throw one hell of a party.

I didn't think
you had the class.

Well, let that be
a lesson to you there,
Bloom.

I planned the whole thing,
you know.

And I got a hold of
my caterer, Maurice,

one of the most
talented f*gs
in the business.

I says to him, "Maurice,
I want a real McCoy
Jewish spread."

And as the French say,
"Voilay."

Yes, Archie, you did
a magnificent job.

Huh?

Oh, this is Stephanie's
grandmother here, Bloom.

She brung the swan.

Estelle Harris.

Barry Bloom.
Nice to meet you.

Hey, Grandma,
look what my dad
brought me.

Oh.

- Archie: I seen him give you that.
- That was very nice.

Don't you recognize it?

- It belonged to my mom.
- It's a family heirloom.

Oh, yes, of course.

Stephie, come on.

Phillip Rogers says
he wants to
dance with you.

Phillip Rogers!

Well, I guess I need a refill.

You want something, Estelle?

No, thank you.

I have a little business
to attend to, I think.

Well, as long as
you're going up
that way, Bloom...

And there he goes.

Off the wagon, Floyd?

- Just some ginger ale.
- That's all.

The same way that
cheap junk jewelry

you gave Stephanie
is a family heirloom?

Look, I was hoping
it would make her happy

to have something
she thought was
her mother's, that's all.

How could you think
you could get away
with that?

You know perfectly well
she was going to show it
to me.

You didn't tell her, did you?

How could I?

No harm done.

Still expecting everyone
to cover for you.

Doing exactly as you please.

Nothing's changed, has it?

Not as far as
Stephanie's concerned.
I... I still love her.

You've got a funny way
of showing it.

Oh, great. Right.

All you have to do to show it

is just snap your fingers,
and you've got all of this.

Well, some of us
just aren't that lucky.

If I could afford it,
I'd buy her something nice.

You did come here
for money, didn't you?

Look, it's not what you think.

I have a legitimate
opportunity in Miami.

It's real estate.

Ah, real estate.

- Yeah, right.
- Things are booming down there.

There's going to
be big payoffs
for everybody.

How nice.

And all I need is
just a little bit
of cash to get in.

From me.

It's a first-class deal,
Mrs. Harris.

Floyd, forget it.

You know, Stephie and I
had a little heart-to-heart
talk in there.

She was sure you were
going to help me.

Don't ever use her
to threaten me.

I'm not threatening.

You drove a wedge between
me and my daughter.

Don't you try that
with Stephanie.

Or I promise you
that you'll live
to regret it.

It's just that Stephie's
getting a little older now,
and I just thought...

You just thought
of yourself as usual.

You go to hell.

Give me a Scotch.

Make it a double.

Thank you.

Grandma, come with me.

I've got something
for you to do
in the living room.

Something nice.

I'd like to
do something nice
about now.

Very nice, Rabbi.

- Well...
- What's she up to?

Well, I don't know,
but when my daughter, Gloria,

used to run around like that,
she was getting the flu.

- Okay.
- What? What?

Everyone, my Grandma
and Uncle Archie's
gonna dance.

- Oh! Oh, yeah.
- Well, yes.

Well, hey, listen,
I'd be very pleased
to do that.

But could you give me
a minute or two?

I've got to take care
of something first.

But they're playing
something old
and slow now.

I requested it
especially for you.

That's very sweet of you,
Stephanie,

but your Uncle Archie has
something else to do...

- Listen, I...
- I haven't anything better to do.

I'll dance with you,
Mrs. Harris.

I mean, after all,
you're the broad that's
picking up the tab.

Oh, jeez.

Barney, get away
from there, will you?

We was going to
dance by ourselves
here.

Hey, look, you want to
do something helpful?

- Certainly.
- Yeah.

Well, one of them Sterno lights

went out under
the chafing-dish,
you know...

So, go over there
and breathe on it
and set it aflame again.

Okay, Arch.

You know, I've been
getting a lot of
compliments on this suit.

I think I'll keep it.

I just wanted to
get you away from him,
you know.

- Now, don't be nervous.
- Don't be nervous.

I ain't gonna squash your feet.

I'm not nervous.

- Oh, yeah?
- Well, my...

My hand felt you
trembling a little bit
in your back there.

Oh, it's just that
I had a run in with...

Oh, never mind.

You know, you are a good dancer.

Oh, yeah, well...

Hey, you should've seen me
in my courting days
with my wife, Edith.

We used to be regular fixtures,

you know,
at the original
Roseland Ballroom.

I'm so sorry I never met her.

Yeah.

You know, what Bloom
was saying there before

about the party
having a lot of class,
you know,

well, that's true.

And I just want to thank
you for what you're doing
here for Stephanie.

I want to thank you
for what you do for
Stephanie every day.

- Thank you, Estelle.
- Hey, you know, you're quite a lady.

And you're quite a gentleman.

- Thanks.
- Now, if you'll excuse me, I gotta hit the can.

Now, Bloom, excuse me, please.

Oh, well, what's the rush, Arch?

The rush is brought on
by one taste
of the klugals.

Well, there are
three people ahead
of you.

You're gonna have
to wait your turn.

- Oh, yeah?
- That's what you think.

I own this house, and that can.

Have any of you seen my dad?

- No, I haven't.
- Uh-uh.

Oh, we haven't danced yet.

Stephanie, now that
you're officially a woman,
sit down and join us.

How does it feel?

Well, actually, I feel the same.

But you're not. I mean,
now all the fun begins.

Guys, dates, romance.

And at the end of the road,
a Bloomingdale's charge card.

Stephanie, all of us think
you did beautifully today.

Thanks.

Well, I guess
this is where you all
give me advice.

Oh, you'll be
getting plenty of that.

Especially living with Archie.

The only advice
I ever got was
from the nuns

on my Confirmation Day.

They gathered
all of us girls together,

you know,
in our pretty
white dresses,

and told us,
"Never wear shiny
patent leather shoes."

Why?

Because they're
out of style. Right?

Yeah.

Ah! Well, see,
youse didn't burst.

Hey, Arch,
the kid's got
a nice room here.

You're a thief, Floyd.

- Look, Arch, I was...
- I was just counting it for her.

She said she wanted to
take it to the bank.

You're a liar, Floyd.

- Okay, all right...
- I'm...

I'm sorry,
I'm a little short now.

I mean,
Old Moneybags Harris
wouldn't even...

wouldn't even loan
a few bucks to
her own son-in-law.

I mean,
how am I supposed to get
back on my feet again

if nobody's gonna
give me a break?

I'd like to give you
a break, Floyd.

I'd like to break your face.

Hey, come on, Arch,
now, I'm family...

Don't give me that family stuff.

You ain't no part
of this family.

Go down the stairs
and get out of that door.

And don't come back no more,

or I'll tell the kid
what you've done.

What did he do?

Go on and tell her.

I was just looking around.
I came upstairs, and...

You know,
I've never seen
your room before.

Were you going to take my money?

I was just
counting it for you,
I was just standing here.

And all of a sudden,
Archie comes in

and he starts to lose his cool.

Hey, hey.

- Come on, huh?
- I ain't gonna call the cops on you.

Well, for the first time
in your life,

look the kid
in the face and
tell her the truth.

Tell me.

I would have paid you back, kid.

I'm sorry.

Hey, hey, hey,
what are you doing?

Here.

Hey, come on, put that back.

You ain't gonna
give him your money.

- Here, take it.
- He needs it more than I do.

Kid, don't be a sucker.

- Don't you see?
- That's what he's building you up to here.

Here. It's my money,
and it's my decision.

Stephie...

I'll pay you back, I promise.

I really love you.

- What did I tell you?
- I...

Oh, gee, kid,
I'm sorry, you know...

Listen.

Here, come on over here
and sit down,
let me talk to you.

See, the trouble with you is,

you think with your heart
instead of your head,
you know.

Your Aunt Edith
always used to do that,
always trusted everybody.

I had to be the one
to balance her out,

like I'm balancing
you out now,
you understand?

I don't know.

Oh, well, hey...

You can't know
everything, you know.

You can't grow up all at once.

I gotta tell you,
you grew a long way today.

But, you know,
you're going to learn

a little more,
a little more,
a little more.

And time goes by,
and all of a sudden,

you'll be all grown up
like me, you know.

And... and then, like me,
you'll know everything.

- There you are.
- I've been looking all over for you.

Why did Floyd leave
in such a hurry?

- Look at the money tree.
- That tells the story.

He took her money?

Well, he would have took it,

- but he didn't have to.
- She gave it to him.

Stephanie: He needed it.

Why did this have to happen?

Oh, darling, I'm so sorry.

You know, I was trying
to tell you downstairs,

life can be so complicated.

When a person gets off
on the wrong foot...

Well, Estelle,
I just covered
that whole ground

with the kid here, you know,
she knows how awful
life can be from me.

Then there's nothing
left to say.

Yes, there is.

Thank you both for everything.

All right, come on,
let's not be sad, huh?

Come on,
there's a party
downstairs.

We gotta go down there and...

And we've got to
eat that cake, right?

Oh! We still have the
candle-lighting ceremony.

God, another ceremony.-

Grandma, there's just
one thing I gotta know.

What?

Did this brooch really
belong to my mother?

It was her very favorite.