03x07 - Happy Birthday, Stephanie

[bunniefuu]

- Hey! Over there!
- Over there, over there!

What're youse talking about?

Having fun.

Having fun?

Is that an item on our menu?

- Let me look.
- No, it ain't.

Please, confine
your conversations
with the waitress

to itemses on the menu, huh?

Dirty guys!

- Don't you remember when you was young?
- -Yeah.

Archie Bunker's Place.

Huh?

Billie?

God, they're chasing her
over land and through the air.

Nah, Billie ain't here.

She took a bus to New Jersey!

They're leaving now!

Hey, hey, that's quite
a sharp suit, Barn.

Ha, ha.

What did you do?
Mug a couch?

Well, I think it's beautiful,

and I'm wearing it
because I'm meeting
a very classy lady here.

Whom the first time
I looked at her,

I knew deep down in my soul,

we were meant for each other.

Oh, that's so romantic!
How did you meet her?

At a computer dating service.

You gotta be kidding.

You'd let your
whole social life
depend on a machine?

Listen, those computers
have impeccable tastes.

And not only that,
they never make mistakes.

You see, the computer
matches you up
with your ideal date,

according to your qualities.

You must have got
a bag lady with
cardboard stockings.

Lucky for you,
one of my qualities
is tolerance.

Along with being
handsome, athletic,
intellectual,

artistic, sensitive,
and well-groomed.

You're a helluva big liar, too.

- Do me a favor, will you Arch?
- -Yeah.

God, why would you do
a thing like that to me?

How's my breath?

Like a farmer
from the south of Italy.

How is it now?

Like a f*g farmer
from the south of Italy.

Uh, Barney?

- Hey, there she is.
Hiya, Kath.
-Hi.

Catch you later,
Mr. Van R. We must have lunch.

Sorry, Harry,
I haven't got time
to talk now.

Oh, please, sir,
you don't have to get up.

I do if I want to go
to the men's room.

Oh, well, then by all means.

My, you really know
a lot of people.

Yeah, well,
you know me,
I get around.

That's our proprietor
over there.

Remember, I told you
a lot about him.

Bunker! Oh, Bunker?

I think he means you, Arch.

You'll love him.
He's a real character.

- You know, I saved his life
during the w*r.
- Oh?

All right, Barney,
what do you want, huh?

- Oh, hi, Arch.
- I'd like you to meet Miss Katherine Logan.

- Kathy, this is Archie Bunker.
- -Yeah, hi there, hi there.

Very nice to meet you.

Oh, uh,

yeah, well, likewise, I'm sure.

Is something wrong?

- Oh, no! No!
- Nothing at all.

It's just nice to meet you here.

- Thank you.
- Yeah.

Innkeeper,
bring us some of your
best French wine.

A fifth of Chateau Briand.

Uh, beer is fine.

Oh, oh, two beers.

Harry, draw one for Barney, huh?

And draw another one for,
don't tell me, don't tell me,
Katherine.

I never forget nobody's name.

Join us, will you, Arch?

- Yeah, that's what I was gonna do.
- -Ha, ha, good.

- You have a very nice place here.
- -Ah, thank you.

And you certainly made
a very wise investment here,
Barney.

Huh?

Oh, well, let's not
talk about business.

Uh, let's talk about me.

Hey, did you know
that the Brotherhood
of City Workers

is honoring me, next Thursday?

Why would they do that?

For meritorious service
as a bridge design consultant.

I thought you was
a rusty bolts consultant.

It's gonna be
a very posh affair,
over at the Regency.

- Hey, we're going to that.
- Oh?

Yeah, and I'd be
obliged if you'd
join us, Arch.

Aw, nah, I don't go
for them things,
you know.

Hours and hours
of boring speeches,
and warm fruit cups

and withered chicken legs.

Barney: Come on,
Arch, will you?

- Do me a favor.
- It'd mean a lot to me.

You see, I'm getting an award.

And I promise you,
you'd have a lot of fun.

I hate fun.

Well, what I mean is that...

you know the old saying, huh?

Two's company,
and three is a crowd.

That's true.

You're not coming?

Yeah, I'll come.

Yes, my husband
was a sports writer
for over 30 years.

He was one of the editors
of Ring magazine.

Oh. Hey,
what did he die of?

Stroke.

Lucky man.
It could have been
cirrhosis of the liver.

- That's True.
- You know, I still keep in touch with Jake La Motta.

- He's alive?
- Yeah, he is.

Hey, did you know?
Her husband used
to be in the fight game.

I don't believe it.

Well, ask the woman.
She's sitting right here.

I don't believe that
they could misspell

anything as important
as my name.

"Barney Heffer."

- Heffer?
That's an animal, ain't it?
-Yeah, a cow.

It's a cow, Barney.

I'm a Hefner, like Hugh.

Not a heifer, like Elsie.

Oh, quit your beefin'.

I don't get it.

Come on, Barney,
it's already engraved,

there's nothing
you can do about it now.

Oh, yes, there is.

I'm gonna complain to O'Rourke.

- He's the head
of the Brotherhood.
- Now, don't go and do that.

- Yes, I am.
- Barney, don't go and...

Jeez, you can't tell
this guy nothin'.

But I mean, don't get me wrong.

I mean, Barney,
he's a helluva swell guy.

You're not so bad yourself.

Well, I mean,
Barney's a whole
lot of fun, you know?

I mean, he's so funny.

Mostly depressed,
but then, even still funny.

He does a trick, you oughta see.

He takes two ordinary straws,
he sticks them in his ears.

And he gives
an imitation
of a heliacopter.

It's hysterical.

It's very sweet of you
to build Barney up.

You're a good friend.

But, no, it's easy with Barney.
You know, because you've got
so many good qualities,

they all just jump
right out at you.

You know, I mean,
you've seen yourself tonight.

- The man loves dogs.
- Yes, I know.

I didn't want to tell him,
but dogs destroy my sinuses.

Oh, yeah,
they ruin my lawn, too.

Boy, did I give him
a piece of my mind.

I told him,
the top man
in the department

shouldn't be insulted like that.

You should've seen him grovel.

Come on, Barney.
Let's dance.

Oh, I can't dance.

That's not
what the computer said.

Oh, oh, well, what I mean is,
I can't dance tonight.

You see, because I have
this old bridge wound
that's acting up.

Be a pal, Archie,
and dance with the lady.

- Ah, Barney,
I ain't supposed to do that.
- Why not?

Barney: Sure you can,
Arch. Go ahead.

Yeah, let's give it a twirl.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

Well, okay.
Yeah, all right,
I'll give it a twirl.

Yeah, sure. Yeah.

I mean, I can't
promise you that the
old toes will twinkle

the way they used to,
you know, but, well...

I'm sure you'll do just fine.

And what a song.

♪ Loving somebody somewhere

♪ Leaving me my silent love

You know,
they don't write 'em
like this no more, hey?

You know,
I remember the last time
I heard that tune.

When was that?

The night Marciano
won his last title fight.

- I seen that fight.
- That was with Archie Moore.

Right! Rocky
KO'd him in the ninth.

- Yeah, the fix was in, though.
- -How do you know?

I lost $12.-

Hey, you know, we probably
saw each other there,
and we didn't even know it.

Well, what do you mean...

Oh, oh, I know what you mean.
We was both there,

and maybe seen each other
and didn't know it.

Like sheeps that pass
in the night, huh?

Huh?

Ooh, you really can
trip the light fantastic.

Aw, hey,
you should've seen me
in my young days, there,

you know,
dancing with my wife,
rest her soul.

But then, of course,
she knew all
my moves.

Did you go dancing a lot?

- Oh, yeah.
- You know, in the early days, we did everything.

But, you know,
like everybody else,

when time passed by,
then we didn't do
nothing.

Oh, Mr. O'Rourke, sir.

Just who I've been looking for,

the top man in the department.

Well,
maybe I did exaggerate
that a little.

Oh, don't be so modest.

Listen, I just got word,

a cable snapped on the
Queensborough Bridge.

Gee, that's a shame.

So, I asked myself,

"Who else should I send,
but Mr. Top Man
in the Department?"

Well, Mr. O'Rourke,
you can't do that.

You see, I mean,
I'm sitting here,
having a couple of drinks,

relaxing, my mind
is a million miles away.

Well, that's no different
than a normal workday
for you, Heffer.

Now, get going!

Yes, sir.

- Hey, Arch.
- -Oh, hi, Barney, you want to cut in?

No, no, there's been
an emergency on the
Queensborough Bridge,

and the only man
in the city that can
handle it is me.

- So I gotta go.
-Oh, I'm sorry.
I'll get my coat.

- Oh, no, no, no.
- There's no reason for your merriment to end.

Hey, Arch, be a pal,
huh, and take Kathie
home for me?

- Yeah, I guess I could do that, Barney.
- -Thanks a lot.

- I'm awfully sorry.
- I'm sorry.

You know,
it's one of
those things.

- Yeah, good luck.
- I'll call you.

- Yes.
- Thanks.

- Goodnight.
- Goodnight.

Well, if you got your check,
I'll get your coat for you.

Well, the music isn't over.

Well, this is true.

This is, uh, this is it.

Yeah, oh!
Allow me. Allow me.

There we are.

- Oh, there ain't no hole in here.
- -It's the top one.

- Oh, the top one.
- That one there, yeah.

- It still don't work.
- You have to turn it around.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

- Oh!
- 'Scuse me.

- Okay.
-All right.
We got it. There.

- Here we are.
- Oh, thank you very much.

Yeah, well, goodnight.

Uh, why don't you
come in and I'll
make some coffee?

Well, I better not,
because I wasn't
expecting to...

- Yeah.
- -I mean to say, look at the time...

Yeah, it is, it's late, yeah.

- Well, goodnight.
- Goodnight.

Oh, gee, uh...

We hadn't oughta do this,
you know?

Because of Barney?

Who?

Barney.

Oh, Barney, yeah.

That's right.

'Cause he happens to be
my best friend.

I know...

And if he knew that

- we was doing anything like this...
- -I know.

- It'd break the guy's heart.
- -I know.

Archie: Oh, gee,
wait a minute. Hold it.
Hold it.

I can't, I can't.-

I gotta get right back
to the joint, you know?

Harry's all alone there.

And he was expecting...

I'll tell you what I gotta do,
I gotta lock up the cash.

You see, there's nobody around.

I finished my lunch.

I even ate the broccoli.

No kids at the bar, huh?

Have a good time
last night, Arch?

Ah, well, to tell you
the truth, Mr. Van R,

nowadays, I can never
have a good time,
enjoying myself.

- What?
- It should have been a nice affair.

I hate that word,
Mr. Van R.

And anyway, I don't remember
what I done last night.

He didn't get
back till 2:00
in the morning.

No kids at the bar!

Heh-heh, I remember
what I was doing
at 2:00 in the morning.

What was you doing?

- Nothing! Nothing!
- Nada! Understand?

And no de say nothing to me,

unless I de say
something to you first.

Uh, just passed
a few innocent moments
with Barney's lady friend.

You know, while he was talking
to his boss and fixing
the Queensborough Bridge.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah! Here's Barney now.

If you don't believe me,
ask him what happened.

Hey, Barney,
what happened last night?

Happened?
Nothing happened.
Nothing at all.

See, what did I tell you?

Except that a man gets
called away to save the lives
of a unappreciative public.

And while he's gone,
his best friend
steals the woman he loves.

Did you really steal
Barney's girlfriend?

Why are you still at the bar?

- I'm waiting for a beer.
- Your service is lousy.

Get away from here!
Get outta here.

Hey, Barney.
Hey, come on.

Barney, old pal,
don't be this way.

I mean, hey, nothing happened.

That ain't the way I heard it.

Oh, well, what jerk
has been talking to you?

Katherine.

What did you two
do after I left?

A little dancing,
that's all,
I wouldn't lie.

Did you, you-know-what?

What?

You know, "you know".

Barney, I hope you ain't
gonna use that bad word

here in these
respectable premises.

Don't you talk
that way to me,
you sex maniac!

Keep your voice down here.

Hey, don't nobody be
paying attention to me,
over here!

Mind your own business!

Do you wanna step outside?

Will you stop talkin'
like a stupid, ignorant kid.

Sticks and stones
can break my bones,

but I ain't afraid
of you anymore!

Because love has made me strong!

All right, Barney,
wanna take a poke at me,
go ahead.

But I'm warning you,
I'm gonna have to
defend myself.

- Ha, ha!
- Did you all hear that, he threatened me!

Well, I'm not gonna take
anymore of this.

Give me a pen, Harry!

Oh, geez, he's gonna write
another suicide note.

Oh, no, I'm not!
I'm gonna pay off my bar tab,

so I don't have to set foot
in this joint anymore!

- Oh, come on, will you?
- Your bar tab's a $182.

- You can't afford to pay
all of that off.
- I don't need your pity, pal!

Here, take it!
My last dime!
And good riddance!

- Ah, Barney, Barney, don't run away like that.
- Barney!

Oh, a man who pays
his whole bar tab
is deeply wounded.

I didn't think
he could write
a check that big.

He didn't.
It's an IOU.

Well, that means
he don't hate me.

And he signed it,
Barney Heffer,
whoever that is.

Oh, that's a cow.

Arch, if you want to
see that woman again,
go ahead.

Don't let Barney scare you off.

Remember, Arch,
all's fair in
love and w*r.

It's okay for you
to like a woman.

No, it ain't,
Mr. Van R.

Anyway,
there's nothing to this,
you know?

That woman and me,
we don't have
no effects on each other,

as long as we ain't left alone.

- Katherine: Hi, Archie!
-Oh, holy cow, Katherine.
What are you doing here?

I just came to, um,

give you this.

What is it?

Harry: His hat.

Wait a minute, Katherine.
Katherine, wait a minute.

Please, don't run out
the door on me, huh?

I can't stand any more people
running out the door on me.

I'd like you to come in
and have a little talk, yeah?

I got a little office
back here where we can,
you know, have a little...

Don't be looking at me, huh?

- Is she pretty?
- Yeah, she's pretty.

I have this little
office in here.

Mmm.

Oh...

Well,
I had this talk
with Barney.

And I told him
that we kinda
liked each other.

And, uh, he understood

after he stopped crying.

Barney was crying?
I'm glad I wasn't there
for that!

We're free to see
each other without
a guilty conscience.

The last thing in the world
I want to do is come between
you and Barney.

Barney and I just met.

But he's gonna go on
feeling so bad.

What are we gonna do about that?

Well, uh...

We could, uh,
re-engrave his trophy?

Yeah, that'd do it, I guess.

- But that ain't it, you know.
- What happened last night, it just seems to be so wrong.

- That was nice.
- I know.

So what's wrong?

I really don't know.

But...

I gotta ask you
to do something for me.

Can you make-believe
that what happened
last night was just...

You know, like me
being polite to you
for Barney's sake.

Yeah?

Oh, I see.

No, I don't see.

It ain't as if I don't like you.

'Cause I do.

Is there somebody else?

Yeah.

Is it serious?

Yeah.

Who?

Ah, forget about it,
it's none of my business.

And why should I be so nosy.

Who is it?

My wife.

But you said you were alone now.

Well, I am. But...

I don't feel like I am.

- Harry: Barney!
- What're you doing back here?

Hi there, fellas.

You know, I thought it all over,

and I decided I'm an idiot.

I'll buy that.
But what brings
you back here?

Well, you see,
Arch is my best friend.

And if he tells me
that nothing happened
between him and Katherine,

I gotta believe it's true.

Harry, do you have
that IOU I gave you?

Yeah, it's right back here.

I don't wanna insult
my best friend with money.

Where is Arch?

Uh, why?

I wanna apologize.

It ain't necessary.

Harry's right,
you better stay mad
for a while.

Yeah, you're beautiful
when you're angry.

- No, no, no.
- Where is Archie now, anyway?

- Gone.
- Out.

- Where?
- Connecticut.

Well, maybe I should
just write him a note.

Good thinking, Barn.
Why don't you go home
and do it?

Gimme a pen, Harry.

Uh, Arch took all the
pens to Connecticut.

I bet I could find one
right here in the office.

Both: No!

Yeah, I guess it takes a while.

Ha, ha!

- I caught you.
- You animals!

You didn't catch
nothing, Barney.

- Okay, there, put 'em up!
- Come on!

- Come on, let's see you.
- Get your dukes up!

Yeah, in about
20 minutes,
huh, Barn?

- Cut it out.
- Don't be so foolish.

Goodbye, Barney.

Goodbye, Barney?

Goodbye, Archie.

Goodbye, Katherine.

She dumped you, too, huh, Arch?

Yeah, Barney, like a hot potato.

Yeah. Well,
it's okay.

- Boy, I know how it is to be dumped.
- It isn't easy.

You know?

Hey, suddenly,
I don't feel so bad.

- Come on, pal.
- I tell you what, I'll buy you a drink.

- Yeah, all right,
Barney. Sure, yeah.
- Come on, Arch.

- Attaboy!
- Yeah, Barney.

- Okay, Barney.
- Hey, Harry!

Barney's gonna buy us a drink.

Everything work out
all right, huh?

No.

No?

- Oh, yeah, yeah.
- Well, you know...

Gonna take a while.