03x05 - Harry's Investment

[bunniefuu]

- Hiya, kid.
- Hi.

What have you got
in the bag there?

Just some junk.

- All right, hold it.
- Hold it, hold it, hold it...

Whenever a kid says,
"Just some junk,"

they're probably
pulling a fast one.

Let me look in there.

This is just some junk.

That's what I said.
I've got 67 now.

I've been going around
the neighborhood
collecting them.

God.

I spend half of my life
dragging garbage
outta this house,

and now you're
dragging it back in.

I'm taking it down to
the recycling center.

What for?

For 35 cents a pound.

Oh, please don't do
that no more, honey.

I hate all of this recycling.
You know what I think?

I think they gather up
all of these tin cans

and they squash them up
together and then they
sell them back to you

and call it a Japanese car.

Recycling is good
for the environment.

Ah...

Listen, if you are so
interested in recycling,

why don't you go up
to your room,

recycle some of
the garbage up there.

Come on, get rid
of the garbage, huh?

- Hold it, hey!
- What are you doing?

I said get rid of the garbage!

- That's what I'm doing.
- No, no, no.

Put them back there.

- These are all my National Enquirers.
- You call them garbage?

- I need these.
- They pay two cents a pound for newspapers.

Two cents a pound?
But each one of these,

in the years to come,
is gonna be priceless,

you know, a collector's item.

Like baseball cards.
They're...

- Do you see this?
- Why do you let her throw out my Enquirers?

- It's a good idea.
- You must have 20 copies in the bathroom.

That's where they belong.

Well, I mean,
not for that, you know.

But I mean,
you gotta k*ll time
up there somehow.

And I always like to
keep up with their
big predictions.

Oh?

"Psychic predicts
Osmonds will control
the Senate by 1979."

- Don't laugh, huh?
- All right.

- So, he's a little off here.
- It could happen yet.

Hey, you know them Normans,

they can do
anything they put
their mind to.

Thank you for the beer.

And what does she want
more money for, huh?

Don't I give her
all the money she needs?

She's doing it for me.

For you, she's going out
on the street

to learn how to be
a junior bag lady?

Of course not.

It was my idea.
I wanted to help.

Mrs. Canby needs
extra money to help keep
her daughter in college.

Oh, oh, oh! Yeah. I see.

- Yeah. Gee.
- Didn't you once tell me

that you had all of that
took care of?

I did, three years ago,
before everything doubled.

Now I can't even get help
from the government.

- Oh, please.
- Don't start knocking the administration, huh?

I know the way you voted.

Mr. Reagan isn't really
making them big cuts there,

he's just moving the money
over to the army.

Hey, by the way,
maybe your daughter don't
really wanna go to college,

maybe she'd like to
join the army.

I don't think so.

Mrs. Canby has to find a way
to raise a couple of hundred
dollars a month.

I heard that.

Why don't you give her
the money?

Huh?

- No, I told you.
- Your Uncle Archie pays me a fair salary.

I wouldn't think
of asking him
for more money.

She wouldn't think of
asking me for more money.

And let that be a lesson
to you, little girl.

People like
Mrs. Canby there...

Which I mean to say,

- Mrs.
- Canby's people there, they don't want nothing from a guy like me.

- Well, I don't mean that.
- I just mean that

her people ain't always
out looking for extra dough,
right?

Well, not if they don't
have it coming to them.

- Yeah.
- - Well, you won't even help.

You won't even donate
these old Enquirers.

All right. Take the Enquirers.
Take the Enquirers there!
The hell with me!

I'm gonna go in the cellar
and look for some more cans.

Yeah.
Well, sit down a minute.
Let me talk to you.

Jeez, this isn't
gonna work, you know?

I mean,
her and the whole
Astoria Girls' Club

could be out on the street
scavenging the whole year,

they wouldn't raise $200.

I know. Stephanie's so sweet,
she just wanted to help.

Well, what are you
really gonna do?

I don't know.
It has to be something
I can do here at the house.

You know,
I was thinking about
telephone sales.

- You mean calling from here?
- - Yeah.

But you can't make
no money at that.

Because anybody who answers
the phone when you call
has already got one.

What about the sewing
you used to be doing here,

couldn't you make
nothing off of that?

I just don't know enough
people around here.

- Yeah, but...
- Well, maybe you oughta do your sewing

for one of them big
dress companies,
you know?

Now, Jose, down at the bar,
his sister does that.

But I can't hold down
a regular job and
still work for you.

- Oh, no, no.
- That ain't the way it works, see.

They bring all the stuff
uptown to her.

She does
all the sewing in her
little slum up there.

That way she can keep an eye
on all of the swarming kids.
Ain't that lovely?

Are you sure about all this?
I mean, this isn't some
fly by night...

- Yeah, yeah. No, no, no.
- This is strictly legit.

- I'll tell you what.
- Just for fun, I'll go back to the bar,

I'll get the name
of the company from Jose.

I'll get the phone
number for you.

Okay. I've got
nothing to lose.

- No!
- I'll give it a try.

- Sure.
- Thanks, Arch.

Don't mention it.

I found three
more cans downstairs.

How delightful.

Will you get this rubbage
outta the livin' room?

I feel like I'm living
in a schoolyard in Hoboken.

Come on, Stephanie.

All I ask to be able to do,

is I wanna come home on a break,

and sit down and have a beer
and read my paper!

And there they are, gone.

When does it get easier,
Lord, huh? When?

I have an appointment
to see Julio.

Julio!

Hello, I'm Ellen Canby.
I talked to you on the phone

about doing some sewing
in my home.

Ah, yes, Mrs. Canby.
I remember now.

You're the lady
that speaks such good
English over the phone.

Hey, you come from Jamaica?

Oh, no, no.
I was born here.
I'm an American.

Sure, sure. We're all
Americans here, aren't we?

- Baseball. Hot dogs.
- Taxi. Taxi.

Don't worry, Mrs. Canby.
Your secret is safe with us.

- Oh, believe me, I'm legal.
- But this place...

Hey, lady. Lady!

- I make clothes only for the best.
- That's all I gotta worry about.

Do you have work for me, Mr...

Uh, Smith.

But please, just call me Julio.

Did you bring
a sample of your sewing?

- Yes.
- I have this jacket.

That's very nice.

It's very chic.

You are very talented.

Thank you. Does that mean
I get the work?

Oh, sure, yes.

How much do you pay?

I pay by the piece.

It's all up to you.
How fast you work.

You see this box here?

You fill up a box like this,
you make $140.

The whole box for $140?

- That's it.
- And that's all.

Okay, it's a deal.

Welcome to the firm.

Now, let me show you
the kind of work
we do here.

This is beautiful,
Mrs. Canby.

I bet it costs a lot of money.

It sure does.

I've seen Mimi de Paris
blouses advertised in
Vogue magazine

for over $100.

You're gonna make a fortune.

Not me. All I get
is a dollar forty a piece.

That's terrible.

Have you finished folding those?

Yeah. You know,
I think three dollars
is way too much

to pay me just for folding.

No, no, no. That's what
we agreed on.

- Okay.
- But I think I negotiated a better deal than you did.

I'm just glad to be
making as much as I am.

Oh, here he is!

Is that the bandito?

Shh! Don't call him that!

Well, that's what you call him.

- Never mind what I call him.
- His name is Julio

and he's bringing my $140.

Please, come in, we're just
finishing packing now.

That's good. We brought you
some more work to do.

Ah, so these are
the finished pieces, huh?

Uh-huh. Didn't Mrs. Canby
do a good job?

- Sure, sure.
- Terrific, terrific.

The manufacturer
will be very pleased

with what we manufacture
for him, huh?

Okay, here you go.
Just call me when this
new batch is finished, huh?

Rafael.

Wait, wait, just one minute.
There's some mistake.
This is only $80.

There is no mistake.

But I'm supposed to get $140.

That's what the
manufacturer gave me.

He say to me,

if I don't do it for less,
he's gonna send the work
to Taiwan.

To foreigners.

But she needs that money!

Do you know how many hours
she spent sewing
those blouses?

You're cheating her.

- Listen, little girl.
- I'm gonna tell you something

that maybe they don't teach
you in school, huh?

If they cheat me, I cheat her.

I don't like it,
but that's the way
it is, okay?

That's not fair!

It's more fair
than in my country!

America is a wonderful place.

They cheat you less here
than anywhere else.

Okay, that's it. I'm not
working for you anymore.

I'm sorry.

But there are some
very good businessmen
down there,

and there is nothing
you can do with
a good businessman.

Oh, yes, there is.

If I can't get
my money from you,

I'm going to the
main office tomorrow
and get it from them.

- Uh-huh.
- Well, good luck, lady.

Uh... Do me a favor, huh?

Make believe
you don't know me, okay?

Will youse listen
to me for once?

You can't go
into that main office
in the city there.

- Oh, no?
- Just watch me.

My advice to you
is forget about it.

The minute you turn
over the stuff to the guy

without getting paid you can
kiss your 60 bucks goodbye.

Three dollars of it was mine.

- Kiss that goodbye, too.
- And you ain't going in there, neither.

Will you look at
youse, here, huh?

Young, female, black.

Between the two of youse
you got three
minororities working.

You ain't got a chance.

But at least I could try.

Don't you see what I'm saying?

You'd have to go to see
the top guy there.

And the top guy,
he ain't gonna talk
to nobody

who ain't a top guy too.

What I mean is, it would
take a businessman,
you know.

And a respected businessman.

I mean, somebody to go
in there and be smart,
you know, but charming.

And, you know,
diplomatical, there.

And I hate to say it,
but it wouldn't hurt
to be white, neither.

That's the kind of a person
who could do that for you.

No, hey, hey, hey.
Don't look at me!
Don't look...

Hey, don't look at me.

- I said don't look at me!
- I ain't gonna do that!

- I ain't going in there.
- I ain't going nowheres near that place!

- No way! No way!
- Case closed!

- Hello, Mimi de Paris.
- Will you hold?

Thank you very much, girls.
You were all simply marvelous.

We'll be in touch,
just as soon as we
need you for the show.

Goodbye. Bye.

Hey, uh...
excuse me there, sis.

You know,
just for your own good,

I mean, the way you look,
you ain't gonna last
10 minutes out there.

Well, the way you look,
you're not gonna last
10 minutes in here.

That remark was uncalled for.

Uh, excuse me.
This Mimi on the door.
Is she in?

No!

- Well, where is she?
- In Paris?

Please hold.

There is no Mimi.
Mr. Atchison is the
head of the company.

Mimi de Paris, will you hold?

Are you here to make a delivery?

No. I'm here to see
Mr. Attrison in there.

Mimi de Paris, will you hold?

If you're looking
for a job, we only hire
through the agencies.

I ain't looking for no job,

I'm here to collect some dough.

Oh. Well, find a seat
and wait like everybody else.

- Thank you.
- Thank you very much.

Hi, there, how are you?
How are you?

How are you?

Whoop-dee-doo.

Oh, hiya there, pal.

You know, I think you and me
is the only two men
in the whole place.

- What do you mean?
- h*, h*, h*, h*.

Cop a squint at what's
lookin' at Playgirl magazie
over there.

How do you like that?

- He's not much.
- The cowboy's kinda cute, though.

Listen up, everybody.
Mr. Atchison's ready
to see you now.

Let's hurry, gentlemen,
Mr. A. doesn't have
too much time.

- Thanks for the call.
- Glad to see you again, Bob.

Good to see you.

Oh, it's gonna be fun
working with you.

Mr. Leon.

Oh, glad to have you
back, Johnny.

- How you doing?
- - Oh, good to see you, Teddy.

You're gonna be wonderful
for this show.

Bobby, that's
a lovely jacket.
Is it one of ours?

What else? -

Oh, my God!
Who, or what are you?

I'm probably the only
straight dude you ever
seen around here.

Well, then you can
sign our book.

- Just let me through, huh?
- I wanna see your boss, if you don't mind, there.

Uh, excuse me there,
Mr. Snackerman.

Atchison.

If that's the way
you like it, whatever.

My name is Archie Bunker.

And...

Mr. Bunker, please.
I'm a very busy man.

- See my secretary.
- Hey, listen,

I ain't gonna take
much of your time.

I just come to collect $60
for a certain Mrs. Canby.

I don't know any Mrs. Canby.

Oh, well, she's one of
them poor misfortunates

that sews for you
in that dump
you run downtown.

- And you know something?
- You don't treat your employees very good.

Leon, give me a minute
here, please.

Yeah, Leon, give us
a minute here, will you
please, huh fellas?

Follow me please, gentlemen.

You'll have to see
her contractor.

This is not
my legal responsibility.

- But you're the boss, ain't you?
- - Yes.

Yeah, well I can tell you,
like I told you before
in two words.

Give me $60.

I'm afraid you don't
understand how the
garment industry works.

You see, your friend
is being paid a fair
wage for the market.

- A fair wage!
- What a lot of malarkey there.

What do you think?

I just rowed over
here from Cuba?

- Sixty dollars? Today?
- You and I know

that $60 won't buy
two bags of groceries
in the market.

You're missing the point.
Let me give you an example...

Well, I don't want to take
much of your time...

I love discussing economics.

How much did you pay
for that shirt you're wearing?

- This shirt was very dear.
- Seven dollars.

Ah, well, if the garment
industry didn't have
cheap labor,

that particular shirt might
have cost you as much as 10.

Get the point?

Yeah, I get the point,
I get the point.

But that ain't the point
I'm interested in here.

- Now, come on, will you?
- Gimme the $60 or I'll turn you into the union.

- What union?
- This isn't a union shop.

Oh, well, listen. I could
take it further, you know.
I got connections.

I could go to the government.

They're damned near
as powerful as any union.

Good. You go
to the government.

Do you think the government
is going to give them better
jobs than I give them?

I'm the best friend they've got.

Nobody's forcing them
to work for me.

- They want to work for me.
- We're talking here about free enterprise.

Don't give me that free
enterprise there. This is
exploitration of the masses.

Are you some kind of commie?

What? I ain't no commie.
Don't call me no commie.

Listen, I'm as
red-blooded American
as you ever seen.

I at least know
what's wrote on that sign
on the Statute of Liberty.

- Do you?
- No. What does it say?

Well, I can't give you the
exact words, you know, but it
just says to the whole world,

"Come on in here,
we give you a fair shake."

Yeah, is that what it says?

Well, it may say
one or two other
patriotic things like,

"America, love it
or leave it,"
you know.

But, hey, that ain't
what works here.

What works here is gimme $60.

Are you quite finished?

No, not till I see the $60.

Very well,
I can see you won't leave
until you get it.

That is perfectly right.

My accountant will
be in in a minute,
he'll take care of you.

Swell, swell. That's fine.
I'll just wait here
for your accountant.

Here I am.

Atchison: Mr. Bunker,
I'd like you to meet
my accountant, Melvin.

Gee, Melvin, uh, you don't
look much like an accountant.

I settle all of
Mr. A's accounts.

Melvin, Mr. Bunker
here thinks we owe him
some money.

Huh?

- Well, it ain't a hell of a lot, Melvin, you know?
- It's, uh...

it's only $60,
and as long as you got the
cash there I could take that.

There it is, sixty bucks.

Yeah, well, uh,
would you mind
handing it to me there?

Oh, no, no, no.
I can't do that.
This is where we play a game.

You try to get it,
I try to keep you
from getting it.

You think
you can win this game,
Mr. Bunker?

Well, no, I don't think I can.

No one ever has.

Nice meeting you.

Big shot there...

You got to go to
all of this trouble,
just for a lousy $60.

Sixty dollars doesn't mean
a thing to me, Mr. Bunker.

But you see,
in business, you don't
like to set precedents.

Atchison over phone:
Nancy, send in Leon
with the boys, please.

Have a nice day.

- Oh, thank you very much, Mr.
- Scratchingham there, same to you.

And likewise to you, Melvin,

you big baldy jerk, ya!

Here's a job for stuffing
envelopes in your own home.

That's even a bigger rip off
than sewing in your own home.

It's too bad that job
didn't work out.

Why couldn't you make
all the money?

You make the clothes.

Making the clothes
is the easy part, Stephanie.

Finding the customers
and selling that's difficult.

You have to be a real
go-getter to do that.

- Hey, hey, hey!
- Whoop-dee-doo, whoop-dee-doo!

- Uncle Archie!
- Hiya, kid.

Well, what happened?
Tell us.

- What do you mean what happened?
- I done what I went to do.

You got the money?

Sure, I got the money.
Hey, what do you think?
Here it is, right here.

Three crispy $20 bills.

I told them that they
didn't have to put
your name on the envelope.

- So save that.
- We could use it again.

But how did you do it?

How did I do it?
There was nothin' to it!
I just walked in there,

- I says, "Give me the dough.
- " Huh, huh, you know.

Well, uh, they did a little
whimpering around there,
you know,

trying to get out of it,
give me a song and dance
and all of that.

I says to them again,
"Give me the dough."

So the boss of the joint there,

he had a bell on his desk,
he dinged the bell, you know,
to call in the accountant.

- In comes the accountant.
- You shoulda seen this guy.

A little weasel
with big glasses
on his face.

So I said,
"Gimme the dough."

So they turned it
right over there,
you know?

And then they went whimpering
out of there with their
tails between their legs.

You know what Barney's
dog does, you know, when
you say, "Get outta here!"

You kicked them outta
their own office! Wow!

- Well, I didn't exactly do that.
- They was slinking off to their lunch anyway.

So I says to them go ahead.

Gee, I wish I could be
more like that.

Instead of being on
the defensive all the time,
be on the offensive like you.

Yeah, well, you know,

you won't find many people
who can be as offensive as me.

It sure wouldn't hurt if those
garment workers had a little
of your spunk and energy.

Yeah, well, that's right,
Mrs. Canby. But you know what
I think we oughta do?

Uh, we oughta
just kind of forget about
this whole thing, huh?

Let's do that, huh?
I'm a little thirsty.
Can somebody get me a beer?

You know, Stephanie,
you had a good idea, there.

I did? What was it?

I'm going to start
sewing my own designs.

Selling them,
doing the alterations.

If your Uncle Archie
has the guts to stand
up to those guys,

I oughta have the guts
to try and start
my own business, right?

Stephanie: Right.

Yeah, but first,
could I have my beer?

Here's what we'll do.
We'll make up some notices

and take them down
to the laundromats.

Let's go up to my room,
I've got some pen
and paper up there.

Didn't anybody hear me?

I heard you, here.

And then we could take
some pictures of the clothes

so people can really
see how good you are!

Ellen: Good idea!

Yeah, I know it was a big lie.

But I know you, Lord,
and I know damn well
you'll forgive me.