02x14 - Weekend Away

[bunniefuu]

Hey, we got trouble.
We got trouble.

What? What now?

Archie wants to hang
around tonight.

Look, he's gonna find
out what we're doin'
sooner or later.

Yeah, but I'd rather
him find out later
than sooner.

Murray, take it easy.

What is the last thing
he's going to want to do
on his night off?

- Work.
- Work.

You're right.
You're right. Okay.

- Look, I'll go out and talk to him and tell him he's got to work here tonight.
- Okay?

You come out in a few
minutes and agree with
everything I say. Okay?

- Okay, okay.
- I'll agree, I'll agree.

Tony Brigando once
asked me to agree
with everything he said.

I wound up
in a Cadillac fightin'
off him and his Uncle Vito.

Hey, Arch, I gotta talk to you.

- Yeah, well, listen.
- I want to talk to you, too,

about some of these
strange items you're
puttin' on the menu.

Look, can we go
over that tomorrow?

No, we talk about it now.

- What is this "Shrimp Louie" here?
- Who the hell is Louie?

- Well...
- I don't care.

And what is this
other thing here. "Esca..."

That's escargots.
That's snails.

- Snails?
- Oh, come on, Murray.

Our customers are not
gonna eat no animal
that leaves trails behind.

Murray: Arch, why don't
you go to that lodge
meeting tonight?

You know I quit the lodge
over racial strife.

Look, you can't
hang around here.

We've got a lot of work to do.

A lot of work to do.

What kind of work?

We've got
to clean out the pantry,
and take the inventory,

and straighten out the books.

Straighten out the books.

And then we attack
the storeroom.

Attack the storeroom.

When you was out
shoppin' for the snails,

did you also pick up
a parrot for the joint?

For the joint!

Why do we have to do
this work tonight?

Because Tuesday's
our slowest night.

All our regulars are
at that lodge meeting.

At the lodge meeting.

Will you shut up?

Well, I think we
ought to get started, huh?

What do you say, Veronica?

I think we can
do this in about
five or six hours.

Easy.

- Hold it, hold it.
- Five or six hours?

Murray, I can't do that.

Why not?

No, I gotta get home, there.

Listen, it ain't like
I want to leave youse
with a lot of work to do,

- but I promised Mrs.
- Canby I'd do something important for her, there.

Murray: Like what?

It was to, uh, toss a salad.

This CBS movie sounds terrific.

"The Other Side
of the Goal Post."

"A heart-rendering tale

of how an athlete with brain
damage falls in love with
a deaf school teacher."

Now, there's a story that
touches all our lives.

So why don't you
watch that tonight?

Because it ain't on tonight.

Have you read your "Enquirer"?

Oh, hey, listen,
I'm gettin' a little sore
at them people, you know.

I mean, after that
scandalous story they printed
about Ronnie Reagan's son.

What's scandalous?

All they said was
that he's a ballet dancer.

People don't wanna know that.

Then they put in that picture
of him skippin' around
in his long underwear.

They were tights.

Damn right they was tights.

What do you say there, kiddo?
Wanna play me a couple
of hands of cards?

I'm doing my homework.

- Ah, you want my help?
- No.

- Ah, well then, it must be somethin' easy.
- What is it?

It's science.
Newton's laws.

Newton's laws. Newton,
Newton, Newton, Newton.

Oh, yeah. Wasn't he
the guy that discovered how
to make a cookie out of a fig?

Sometimes this child gives
me the funniest looks.

- Why don't you go out and have some fun?
- Go bowling.

- Oh, well, no...
- I left my bowling ball down at the bar, you know,

and if I go down there
to get it,

Murray, he'll only
put me to work.

How can he put you
to work on your night off?

Because he does what
Murray tells him.

- What do you mean I do what Murray tells me?
- I'm the boss!

Then act like the boss!
Get your ball and go bowling.

Oh! Oh, well,
maybe I will at that.

Hey, listen,
the main reason that
I didn't wanna do that

was that this is Tuesday,
you know.

And Tuesday night is
the Senior Citizens League.

Some of them old people,
they rack up more strokes
than they do strikes.

But then, God knows,
I'm headed for that
league myself.

Oh, feelings.

We have this every
Tuesday night.

Okay, now. So, I got him
against the ropes, right?

- I give him a left.
- I give him a right.

Another left,
I step back,
he falls down.

Now, if I had stayed
in the ring, I could
have been a contender.

Huh? See my point?

Yeah, that was exciting, Murray.

It was even more exciting

when Marlon Brando said it
in "On the Waterfront."

Gimme a break, will ya?

Have an hors d'oeuvre, Mur.

You wanna come to my place
and play carnival?

Ooh! What's that?

You sit on my lap,
and I guess your weight.

Hey, buddy, you know
the most thrilling way
to play carnival?

How?

You go out and find a gorilla
and kick him in the behind.

- What is this?
- "Ladies' Night, every Tuesday, first drink free"?

- Hey, hey.
- Find a room, will you!

- Hi, honey.
- Hey, you know me!

Sure I know you,
you're B.O. Derek.

Now, that's funny!

I ain't seen you here tonight.

I don't think you seen
nothing here tonight.

All right, so I give
him another left,
give him a right,

another left.
I step back.
Down he goes.

Now, if I had stayed
in the ring, I could
have been a contender.

Could I have your attention
a minute there, contender?

Well, Arch! Yeah. Hi.
What are you doing here?

- Never mind that.
- What the hell is going on here?

Look, don't get excited.
I'm just trying out
a new thing.

This is an evening
for the ladies. That's all.

I was going to tell
you about it.

Oh, you was, huh?
Was you gonna tell
me before or...

Do you have
to be here?
No. Go on.

See you later.

Was you gonna tell me
before or after you give away
all of our priceless liquors?

Arch, you gotta give
a little to get more back.

Murray, two more
banana daiquiris here.

Two more daiquiris.
There you go. You see?

- Banana daiquiris.
- Lord, what...

Oh, Archie!
What a surprise!

- Oh!
- Since when did we begin sellin' little weenies?

- We're not selling them.
- We're giving them away.

- It's a nice gesture for the customers.
- Don't you see?

I got a gesture
for the two of youse.

Oh, come on.

- Don't gimme that "Come on.
- " You're turnin' the place into a pick up joint.

It isn't a pick up joint.

- What do you mean?
- I got eyes, and I know what I'm lookin' at there.

Look at them two
over there, huh.

They're runnin' off to find
a motel room because
they wanna get weighed.

- I don't like the looks of this place.
- I don't like it.

This is my bar.

- Your bar. Your bar?
- My bar!

This is our bar.-

Please, will you
hold it down?
People are listening to you.

People ain't supposed to be
listenin' to me over here.

People are supposed to be
minding their own business!

- Just a minute.
- Veronica, will you stay and just watch our bar?

You, big mouth,
get inside there.

I'll get inside. All right.
I got some things to talk
over with you, too.

Hey, listen, Mac,
anytime you get them
"Whoa, whoa, whoa" feelings,

the can is in here on your left.

It's the most ridiculous
thing I've ever seen.

- Where do you come off...
- Shut the door, will you?

I'll shut the door.

Where do you come off
doing a thing like this to me

without lettin' me
know about it?

Because every time I come
up with a new idea to improve
the things in this joint...

- You hear what I'm saying?
- "Joint." You say, "No."

That's all I hear from
you. "No, no, no."

Murray, you know
I can't stand new ideas.

That's what I'm talking about.

How do you expect
to make money out of
a thing like this,

after you pay the piano
player there, and you pay
for all the free booze?

What are you talking about?

That "Ladies' Night"
is gonna be turning a profit
in a couple of weeks.

Right now,
it's turnin' my stomach.

There ain't gonna be
no more Ladies' Nights
in my bar.

Ah! That's the point.
That's another thing
I'm fed up with.

I'm fed up with hearing
you say, "My bar, my bar."

- What the hell you think I am?
- A silent partner?

Did you ever notice whose
name is on that window?

Yes, I have, and that's
gonna change, too.

Oh! Oh! No, that's one
thing that ain't never
gonna change. No.

Murray, this was
"Archie Bunker's Place"
when you bought in here,

and it's gonna stay
"Archie Bunker's Place."

I don't wanna talk
about that never no more.

In fact, I don't wanna talk
about no business at all.

I don't wanna talk to you!

That's the way you want it,
that's the way you're
gonna get it.

You don't wanna talk to me,
I don't wanna talk to you.

I'll do my job,
you just do your job.

If you got anything
to say to me,
you use somebody else.

What do you mean?

Use Harry, Van R., Barney,

or your lawyer.

Huh?

- You heard me.
- Your lawyer.

Well, there you are, sweetheart!

- Take a look at today's specials.
- I think you'll like them.

Hey, Arch, this is
really delicious chicken.

Well, it ought to be.
I order only the choicest
birds, you know.

With the wings and the legs
already removed.

I get them from the Mafia.

Archie: My partner, Klein,
you know, he don't know
how to order nothing.

This place is really
hopping, Murray.

No thanks to Bunker, you know.

If he had his way,
the only customers
we would have

would be
old dough boys singing
"Yankee Doodle Dandy."

How long has this been goin' on?

All morning.

It's like tending bar
at the Battle of Bull Run.

And I do mean "bull."

- Hey, Arch!
- Archie: Yeah?

Sloe Gin Fizz for table six.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

What are you doin'
with the oranges in it?

Murray likes a little
garnish in the drinks.

Tell Mr. Klein if he
wants to serve fruits,

why don't he
open up his own saloon
on Fire Island?

Tell Mr. Bunker
that the customers
like it that way.

- He says...
- I heard him.

What are you lookin' at, Barney?

I can't take much more of this.

- Me, neither.
- The way those two guys are carryin' on, it's driving me to drink.

Watch it, Jose.
One to a kitchen.

Hey, I have an idea.

This worked great,

in a picture
with Audrey Hepburn
and Gregory Peck.

Now you tell Murray that
Archie wants to apologize,

and I'll tell Archie that
Murray wants to apologize.

But then you'll have to get
them together in a castle
in the South of France.

How about a storeroom
in the north of Queens?

That's just as good.

- Veronica: Hey, Murray!
- Hey, Arch!

You think it'll work, Jose?

Who knows?

As my Uncle Portillo
used to say,

"You can lead a horse
to water, but if he wants
tequila, that's it."

I hope this works, Barney.

- It's a natural.
- What are we doing?

Fundamentally,
we're bringing
together two people

who want to stay together.

All right, then let's
just break it up.

- Okay, if that's the way you want it.
- -No apology, no deal.

Ah! This joint got along
pretty swell before you come,

and it'll get along swell
after you go.

Well, let me tell you something.

I'm the only one around here
who knows what he's doing.

Wrong hat.

- So, this is it, then.
- Huh, Murray?

That's right, Arch.
This is it. Good luck.

You said he wanted
to apologize to me.

He wanted me
to apologize to him.

Well, I ain't gonna
do nothing like that.

Look at each other, huh,
because this here thing
could lead to heartbreak.

Any other ideas, Barney?

Well, there was
this other swell picture

with Gene Raymond
and Vera Hruba Ralston.

- Ah, shut up!
- Ah, shut up!

There you are, ladies.
Enjoy yourselves, there.

How ya doin' there,
Mr. Van R.?

Kinda tough working
alone, huh, Arch?

No! No! What do
you mean by that?

Oh! When I heard that
Murray walked out of here
a week ago,

I figured this
place would collapse.

No, hey, far from it.
Let me tell you something.

This place is running smoother
than it ever run before,

now that I'm doing it
myself, my way.

Harry, draw a brew for
the boss here, huh?

And another highball
on the house for Mr. Van R.

Arch, I'm still working
on my last free one.

And when I drink too much,
my hearing gets blurred.

Oh!

Hey, Archie!
When is my meat
being delivered?

I got dinner to prepare!

Will you keep your
drawers on there, huh?

I know all about it.
Your meat will be delivered
this afternoon, on schedule.

I don't forget nothin'.

He forgot his beer.

Let's see. Meat, meat...

What the hell did he do
with the meat number?

- Meat, meat, meat...
- Meat would be under...

It would be under "Meat."

"Chuck's Meat."

"Chuck's Meat."

I thought I ordered
this meat yesterday.

I know damn well
I ordered this
meat yesterday.

Hello, Chuck's Meat?

Is this Chuck?

Yeah, this is Archie Bunker,
over at Archie Bunker's Place.

Hi, Chuck.

- Hey, listen, Chuck.
- Didn't I order meat yesterday afternoon?

- Oh, I didn't.
- Well, listen, you got to send me over some meat right away.

- What do you call...
- emergency meat.

Oh, Chuck, I don't know.

- Murray usually does this, you know.
- Whatever he says.

Hey, send over
some steaks, you know,
and some chops,

and ground sirloin
and a roast, Chuck.

No, hold it. No, I don't
mean a roast chuck.

See, Chuck is
your name. Okay.

If I'd have wanted
a roast chuck,

I'd have said,
"Send me over some
roast chuck," Chuck.

Yeah.

You got that all, huh?

Well, send it over
as soon as you can,
will you?

Please!

Thank you very much, Chuck.

Yeah, yeah. Goodbye, Chuck.

Who's that?

Stephanie:
It's an old bag lady.

Yeah, come on in. Come on in.

What a mess!

- If Mrs.
- Canby saw this, you wouldn't get dessert for a week!

Did you bring your calculator?

Yeah. But what's
wrong with this one?

That one there is broke.

Who broke it?

What is the difference
who broke it, huh?

I know who broke it,
and knowing that don't
do me no good.

Lock the door, huh?

How did it get like this?

Your Uncle Murray
walking out on me

without apologizing
is how it got like this.

Now, let's see your calculator.

You brung me
a Mickey Mouse calculator?

It works for me.

All right. All right.
Here, here.

I want you to work
on these here figures, see.

I've been doin' them
in my head and I'm off
a little bit, you know.

One time seven dollars,
the next time $1,800,
like that.

So, you add up this
column of figures here
with the result,

add the other column
and put the result.

Add the two together, see?
You put that result over here,

into that box over there
that says invoices...

Uncle Archie,
I don't think
I can do all this.

Why not? What are they
learnin' you in school?

- This is bookkeeping.
- I'm not a bookkeeper.

But I need some help.

I can tell you how to start.

Tell me.

Apologize to Murray.

Oh, no, no. I ain't
gonna apologize to him.

What do you mean,
apologize to Murray, huh?

Who is it?

Archie:
Hello? Hello?

Arch?

How the hell does
this thing work?

Stop fiddling with it,
I'll buzz the buzzer.

When you hear it buzz,
you push the door.

Hello? Hello?

Look, we've already
done that, Arch.

Look, I'm pushing the buzzer.

Open the door
and go down the hallway.

I'm on the ground floor,
remember?

- It's apartment 1-A.
- Can you hear me?

I can hear you now.

Oh, come on in.

Thank you.

Well...

Well, sit down.

Yeah, I'll sit over here.

So?

What'd you come for?

Well, nothin'.

Did you come to apologize?

Apologize? No, no.

I come because I wanna
let you know that

everybody down
at the joint was asking
for you.

- Oh! That's nice.
- Thank you.

Veronica tells me that
things are going good.

Well, I don't like to brag
but, yeah, I would say that
things are going good.

I was going over
the books, you know...

Any problem with the books?

- Oh, no, no.
- You know yourself there.

The books is the easiest
part of the job.

Yeah.

But it was whilst I was
going over the books

it'd come to me that
the Ladies' Night,

maybe could make us some money.

- Oh, no.
- Look, Arch, I've thought about it a lot of times...

It's more trouble
than it's worth.

I think you're wrong, Murray.

I think I ought
to go on with it.

Well, I think you should
go on with it. Why not?
It's your place.

Want a drink?

Yeah, give me something.
Whatever you're having...

A little wine.

And here you go.

I don't wanna go on
with it alone, Murray.

I think we ought
to go on with it
together like before.

Equal partners.
Come on. What do you say?

I say no.

Look, Arch...

I just think that
I ought to sell

my share of the place
to somebody.

- Who?
- Anybody I want.

- Somebody you'll like.
- Hopefully.

Wait a minute.
Wait a minute, Murray.

Listen, listen, hear me out.

Suppose you and I
was gonna be partners,
like for the first time.

Now you tell me
the first thing that
you'd ask.

- You just name it.
- I'd give it to you.

- Well, I want two things.
- Two things?

- Yeah. First,
I want an apology.
- An apology...

No, no. Hear me out.
First an apology,

second, our names
on the front window.

You mean, you want me
to change the name of
Archie Bunker's Place?

No, no, no.
I didn't mean that.

I mean, for me,
that would be bad luck.

I mean, it's always been
Archie Bunker's Place, right?

I think it's best
that it stays that way.

Oh, much better, Murray.

No, what I was thinking that...

Like, my name on the window.

- We could do that.
- Very artistic.

We paint your name
there in very fancy
little black letters.

Large gold letters.

Then on the door.

- No, on the window.
- Where?

In the lower left-hand corner.

Looking out or looking in?

Looking in!

Deal. Come on, come on.
We got to get right back
to the place right away.

Wait. Wait a minute.
I'll come in tomorrow.
What's the rush?

No, no, not tomorrow. Tonight.
We got a lot of work to do.

What... You got problems?

No, nothing that can't
wait until we get back
to the office there.

A couple of
little things, you know.

Like the calculator got broke.

Well, what happened?

The main thing I wanna
tell you, Murray, is...

Here.

I'm awful glad
you're coming back.

Me, too.

Good. Come on,
we got work to do.

What happened to the calculator?

- Somebody broke it.
- Well, who?

What difference
does it make, who?

Well, will you give me an idea?

All right, all right.
If you must know...

Yeah, I wanna know
what happened.

The kid was playin' with it.
She broke it.