02x08 - The Camping Trip

[bunniefuu]

Harry, Harry,
look what he done here!

- Be a mensch, will you?
- It's our anniversary party.

It's goodwill.

Goodwill is for
giving away old clothes,
not new booze!

It's to show
the steady customers
our appreciation.

Murray, we got
a doormat for that.

It says,
"Thanks a million,
come back soon."

It's amazing
we've been together
for over a year.

And I'll tell you why.
Because I'm willing to go
more than halfway with you!

Get this, will you?

Answer it!

It ain't to me!

- How do you know?
- 'Cause it ain't my ring.

Hello, Archie Bunker's Place,

Murray Klein,
co-owner, speaking.

Aw, jeez!
He always has to say this.

- Who is this?
- I think it's for me.

Yes.

Yes, of course
I recognize your voice.

Where are you?

That close, huh?

Who's he talking to?

- Well, it's not a good idea.
- I was just about to leave.

I'll tell you,
why don't I call you?

I'll get back to you
sometime, okay?

- Shelley?
- Shelley?

Oh, God!

Oh, one of your
late night savageries
catching up to you, huh?

That was my ex-wife and
I've gotta get out of here.

Archie: Your ex-wife?
Hold it, hold it!
Where is she?

- She's in the city.
- She's on her way over.

Wait a minute!
Wait a minute, there.

It's gonna take her
a half an hour to get here,
even if she hops in a cab.

That woman travels by broom.

Listen, Harry,
will you do me a favor?

- When she comes in, tell her that you don't know where I went.
- Okay?

I don't.

Well,
why don't you
want to see her?

Because right now I'm happy

and she's gonna
convince me that I'm not.

How is she gonna do that?

She's a manipulator.

She's bossy,
she's bullying,
she's belittling...

- Stop.
- Stop, don't go on with them "Bs."

If she's such a terrible person,

why'd you marry her
in the first place?

Because I was in love.

You're an animal!

Come here,
you can't run away and
leave me with her here.

Come on,
you gotta stay and
face that woman man-to-man.

- No!
- Yes!

- No!
- Why?

Maybe he's still
got the hots for her.

- No!
- Yeah.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

That's another reason
why I don't wanna see her.

Look, I've never
met another woman
like that in my life.

I think you call it chemistry.

Chemistry?
You ain't gotta
worry about that no more.

Why not?

Well, when did
you last see her?
How long ago? Ten years?

Uh, no, 12!

Twelve years.
So where's the chemistry?

I mean,
it's like leaving a cap
off a ginger ale bottle.

You know, after 12 years,
there can't be no fizz.

Twelve years is
a long time, Murray.

Twelve years is a long time.

And Mother Nature,
you know, she ain't as kind

to her daughters
as she is to her sons.

Yeah, well, I'm going.

Wait a minute, why am I going?

Who the hell does
she think she is,

forcing me out of my
own place of business?

- Now you're talking.
- Yeah!

- Arch, will you stay close?
- I don't want to be alone with her.

All right,
I'll stay close,
but I don't know why.

What is she gonna do to you?

Oh, I'll tell you exactly
what she's gonna do.

She's gonna have me
take her out to dinner

and then
we're going to go
over to her place

- for a nightcap.
- And then...

And then?
Huh? Huh? Huh?

I'm a goner.

What's he talking about, sex?

I wouldn't be surprised.

Oh, God.

I am not gonna
let it happen
this time.

No, don't let it happen!

Here, tell her you can't.

You're having surgery.

Here we are, my boy.

Hey, thanks, Arch.

You know,
I wanna talk to Murray.

Will he be out of the can soon?

Yeah, he ain't reading.

He's in there fixing himself up.

You know,
dossing himself,
flossing himself,

shpritzing there,
and drinking Lavoris.

Yeah, well,
I just wanna
give him a few tips

on how to handle
an ex-wife, you know.

Don't make me laugh, Barney.

Why, the last four years
you and Blanche was married

you couldn't even figure out
why the repairman wasn't
sending you no bills.

Let's not review
all that again, huh?

Well, it's the truth, Barney.

I mean, Blanche and them workers

give new meaning to
the word "service call."

Don't start up
again with me, Arch.

You know,
I'm never gonna
get over that woman.

Unless someone
introduces me
to this one.

Hold your
place there,
Barney, huh?

- How do, how do?
- Table for one?

For two. Is Mr. Klein in?

- Aw, jeez!
- You must be Murray's ex.

- Yeah, well.
- Hey, Harry, Harry.

Come here, get a load of this.

- Well, well, well.
- We was expecting you.

But I must say,
we wasn't expecting you.

I bet he said
I was a terrible person

and I'd come riding in on
a broom with a pointed hat.

He didn't mention the hat.

You must be Archie Bunker.

- Yes, I am.
- Pleased to meet you.

Well, let me show you
to a table.

Just step over this way here.

Thank you.

Here, make yourself at home.

Jeez, ain't this nice.

- Well, well, well.
- Hey, I know your daughter.

She was in here, you know.

And also her husband,
your son-in-law.

He was in here, too, you know.

Puerto Rican, but working!

Yes, he is.
Is Murray here?

He's in the can.

Uh, I mean to say, the toilet.

Yeah, he's cleaning
himself up here.

Well, now that you're here,
you gotta have lunch
with us.

On the house.

Well, thank you very much.

This is a very charming place.

Ah.

Did Murray help?

Oh, yeah. Oh, sure.

He picked out
the tablecloths there.

And he turned in the little
saltshakers for these
ones here.

Well, this is a surprise
visit, ain't it, after
all these years?

- Yes.
- Yeah.

And your
present husband
there, did he die?

In a way.
We're divorced.

Oh, good, good, yeah.

And so,
I guess you figured
that you ought to come back

and take another
look at Murray, huh?

Maybe.

Yeah, well, listen.

He's doing
a lot better than
when you threw him over.

I mean, he's
a saloon keeper now.

- Hey, Arch.
- Aren't you gonna introduce me to the lady?

Yeah, okay, uh...

- Mrs.
- Murray's ex here, this is Barney Hefner over there.

- How do you do?
- How are you?

- You satisfied?
- Yeah.

Well, all right,
make believe you have a life
of your own over there, huh?

Well, how about getting
you a drink? Glass of wine?

- Please.
- Yeah.

- Hey, we got something here that all youse people love.
- Manishoowitz.

I'll have a glass of Chablis.

- We got that, too.
- Christian Brothers from out in California.

Though I hate to tell you,
it's gentile.

I'm not orthodox.

Swell!

Arch, is she here yet?

She is.
Whoop-dee-doo
at table nine.

Fat, huh?

No.

- Gray?
- No!

I bet she looks old, huh?

No!

As a matter of fact,
she looks too young
for you!

She's gonna knock you over.

- Yeah?
- Mmm.

- Well, it's all right.
- I can handle that.

Watch this, boys.

She's not gonna get me again.

Hello, Murray.

It's been a long time.

- Dinner? 8:00?
- My house. I'll cook.

I'd love to.

Come here.

Excuse me.

What is with you?

I thought you said
you wasn't gonna do that.

Relax, will you?
I know what I'm doing.
I beat her to the punch.

You what?

Yes, I kept her
from manipulating me.

Now the dinner
is on my home turf.

Just a minute.

That is the worst crapola
I heard

since Billy Carter was
making deals with
the lesbians.

Ah.

Another 10 minutes.

Murray, what's this?

Beethoven, Brahms, Debussy.

Well, I've acquired
a taste for the classics.

I remember when
you used to think

the theme to Bonanza
was a classic.

Well, I can't listen to it
anymore since Hoss died.

- Hemingway. Faulkner.
- Steinbeck.

Twelve years I tried
to get you to read those.

And you were so right.

Yes, but I nagged.

Well, a certain amount
of nagging is normal.

- I was a shrew.
- I was a klutz.

- I was so wrong.
- I made so many mistakes.

Oh, you were a kid.

That's no reason,
that's just an excuse.

Well, nobody's perfect.

I made your life miserable.

Well, that was
mostly your mother.

It was all my mother.

Of course.

But I let her do it.

What else could you do?
It was her house.

I wish
I knew then
what I know now.

Live now.
Forget the past.

- To hell with the past.
- Right.

I smell chicken.

You always were
such a good cook.

I still am.

I bet you are.

Want to skip dinner?

I'd love to.

That means burnt chicken
for breakfast.

How chic.

It's all right. Stay
where you are, Mr. Van R.

That was only a balloon.

Is this
all the balloons
we're gonna have?

Yes!

Murray's bringing more.

Him and Shelley's
picking 'em up on
their way over here.

That Shelley's really something.

I never seen Murray
look so good.

I noticed that.

How?

There's a lilt in his voice.

Yeah, very true.

What's a lilt?

It's kind of a chokin' sound.

I bet you two-to-one,
Murray gets married again.

It'd be
the best thing in
the world for him.

Instead of chasing
around at night.

Yeah, let him do
his begging at home.

You shouldn't be
listening to this.

- Hello, hello!
-Murray: Hello!
Hey, there!

Hey, Murray. Shelley.

You bought balloons, huh?

Yeah. Even you don't have
enough hot air to blow
these up, Arch.

I wouldn't bet on it.

- Ah, shut up!
- Who's talking to you?

- Look what I bought!
- Party hats for everyone!

Aw, jeez, that's
terrific there,
Shelley.

Ain't that nice!

Well, I wanted to
get everybody something.
You've all been so nice.

You've just made me
feel at home.

Well, well, well,
why shouldn't we,
you know?

I tell you,
it's a pleasure to
see you here, darling,

you know,
after some of the females
he's been dragging around.

Bark, bark.

He's cute, isn't he?

So, I shouldn't be
jealous of anything?

- Didn't you understand what I was tellin' you?
- They're dogs!

Ruth Kendall was pretty.

Shush, you.

- Hiya, Shelley.
- -Archie: Oh, look at this...

Oh, Veronica,
you look so nice in my color.

Oh, thank you.

Listen, I took your advice.

I started shopping
above ground, instead
of the bargain basement.

It's gorgeous.

Thank you, thank you.

Yeah, once in a blue moon
Veronica can surprise you.

You know, Archie,
once in a blue moon,
you can surprise me.

Yeah, how?

By getting even dumber.

Hey, Steph,
you wanna help
me frost the cake?

- Tell her no.
- Yes.

Oh, I gotta
go home and change.
Can I have the car keys?

Yes, you can.

I will be back with bells on!

- Yeah.
- Don't forget to come back

'cause the party won't
start till you get
here, there.

Let me help you
on with your coat.

Oops, jeez,
I didn't touch
nothing, did I?

No, it's all right.
Save a dance for me, Archie.

- I certainly will.
- I certainly will.

What a dope you are.

Now what?

For letting her
get away from you
in the first place.

A woman like that
only comes along
once in a lifetime.

Twice.

Well, you see how lucky you are?

Now, you oughta
marry her all over again.

I was thinking about it.

Murray, I'll get
a dispensation to
go to the temple.

Wait a minute,
I said I was only
thinking about it.

What's the problem, Murray?

Oh, I don't know,
it may sound crazy,

but she's just been too nice.

But that will change.

Now she's been
a wonderful, loving,
giving, warm woman.

That's beautiful.

Yes, that's beautiful!

Now you better
grab her before
she starts remembering

too much of the past and
gets sick of you again!

Remember the old saying,
"A woman is only a woman,

but that's better than
two birds in a bush."

Harry, give me
a drink, will you?

Shelley: You're wonderful,
wonderful!

- Hey, A-one.
- A-one, Stephie.

You wanna dance, Veronica?

Sure, Mr. Van R.

All right.

You lead.

Oh, no. The gentleman
always leads.

Oh, all right.

Look out, here we come.

What do you say, Shelley,
shall we try?

I'll try not to
step on your toes.

- Ah, go on.
- Step on my toes.

I think everybody
oughta be dancing.

Don't look at me.

Ah, who's looking at you?

Harry, Harry,
you know what Murray's
gonna do in there?

He's gonna pop the question.

- Yep, he's a goner.
- Yeah.

Hey, but what a way to go.

- Well.
- Well.

I'm so proud of you.

Oh, are you?

Yes, you are a success.

And against such odds.

Well, what do you mean?

Well, Murray, you have
to admit you never had
much ambition.

That was because
I never liked
what I was doing.

And I wanna
give you credit
where credit is due.

You are a successful
businessman.

Now I like what I'm doing.

- And this place is darling.
- Yes.

And I know
if you had your way,
it would look even better.

Wait...
What do you mean?

Well, you know.

You've acquired
a lot of culture.

This place doesn't show that.

I was thinking,
with just a few changes,

this place could look
like an English pub.

I bet it could
even become one
of the in spots.

You think so?

Of course.

I bet we could
get the old crowd to
start coming down here.

Oh, the old crowd!

Oh, why am I
talking about
these things?

We cannot do
anything as long as
we have that partner.

Yes, well,
I guess Archie Bunker
would not fit in with us.

Well, Murray,

he's a joke.

He would never
attract the right people.

Hmm.

Well, we'll have to fire
Harry and Veronica, too.

We'd certainly need
someone stylish
behind the bar.

Mmm-hmm.
In the kitchen,
a Cordon Bleu chef.

- Exactly.
- Yeah.

- I am so glad I came back.
- Mmm-hmm.

I never thought that
this would happen.

I didn't think
that you could
really change.

I didn't.

Yes, you did!

No, wait, no, Shelley, I didn't.

See, look...

I...

I don't want a place
that the old crowd
can come to.

And I don't wanna
change this place
into an English pub.

And I'll tell you
something else, Shel.

I like Archie Bunker
and I like Harry

and I like Veronica.

Are you serious?

Yes.

Thank you.

For what?

We almost made
the same mistake twice.

I don't know what
you're talking about.

Shelley, I'd almost
forgotten what we were
really like together,

and why it didn't work then
and why it wouldn't now.

And it wouldn't.

Let me put it this way.

Uh...

You see, I say "tomaytoes"

and you say "tomahtoes."

Understand?

But I love you, Murray.

I love you, Shelley.
I love you.

I'll get a cab.

No, no, no, please, I'll get it.

I'll get it!

Be happy with your friends.

- Good to see you, Shelley!
- Hey, hey!

Hey, have a nice glass
of champagne, there...

Veronica:
Where's she going?

- Hey!
- Hey, Shelley. Hey!

Hey, Murray.
Hey, Murray.
Murray, Murray.

Shelley there,
where's she going?

Back to New Rochelle.

She's coming back, ain't she?

No. Harry.

Aw, jeez.

You're trying
to tell me that
she's gone for good?

Probably.

She still couldn't
stand you, huh?

No. Some champagne,
Harry.

Yeah.

- Champagne?
- What do you got to celebrate?

Us! It's our anniversary.

- Oh, yeah, I know, but all the same...
- What happened?

Well, in the first place,

she wanted
to change this
whole place over.

She wanted
to make it into
an English pub.

She wanted
to turn this joint
into an English pub?

That's right.

Well, that ain't a bad idea!

She also wanted to fire Harry.

Well...

Huh?

And Veronica.

She also wanted
to get rid of you.

Oh, no, I don't believe that.

Oh, yes.

- That's a lie!
- -No it isn't, believe me.

I'll tell you why
I know it's a lie.

Because her and me
got along beautiful
over there.

Because her and me,
we, kind of,
whaddyacall,

share a certain
something that
you ain't got, buddy.

Which is?

Class.

Hear me? Class!

- Class? I'll drink to that.
- Yeah!