01x21 - Father and Daughter Night

[bunniefuu]

Whatcha reading?

Oh, I'm reading where
a circus fired a monkey

for bothering people.

What did they do with him?

They gave him a job
on this paper.

Here's the song we're gonna do.

Aunt Edith says you know it.

What are you talking about?

The father and daughter
night at school.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

You ain't gonna rope me
into anything like that.

But you said you would.

I never said
nothing of the kind.

You said, "Fine, right."

But everybody knows that
"fine, right" means no.

I thought "no" is when you said,
"I'll think about it."

Listen, kiddo, I'll give you
a good rule to follow, huh?

Unless I say "yes,"
everything is no.

If you mean to say "no,"

why didn't you just say no?

Because if you say "no"
too much for kids,

the kids grow up and put you
in the senile citizen's home.

- Huh?
- -Well, you don't understand that now,

but you will when you grow up
and have kids of your own.

I'm not gonna have any kids.

Oh, well, then you better
learn to say no.

- Please?
- No, no, no, no.

Hey, hey, hey, don't be
getting up onto my lap, now.

That ain't gonna do you no good.

- Please...
- No, I ain't gonna do it.

Go and ask your aunt Edith
to do that with you.

It's father and daughter night
and she's not my father.

Well, neither am I.

At least you're the right sex.

Hey, hey.

Sex is one of them
four-letter words

I don't allow around the home.

Can't you go
and sing by yourself,

tell them I'm sick?

I got a sore throat,
"largeinitis," or something?

I'm not gonna lie
or mispronounce words.

That ain't a lie.

It's making an excuse.

You see?

When you lie, you hurt somebody.

When you make an excuse,
you do somebody a favor.

I don't get that.

Well, the biggest favor
we could do

all them people up
the school there

is not to sing.

You get that?

I sing okay and so do you.

Oh, oh, geez.

The only living human

that sings worse than me

is your aunt Edith,
who sings like a wolf.

You sound pretty good
from the shower.

Well, yeah, I sound pretty good

when I'm underwater and naked.

But I certainly ain't going up
to the school that way.

You don't really love me.

Well, if you really love me,

you'd stop asking me.

Why don't you go on
and get out some dishes there

and knives and forks
for supper, huh?

What are we having?

Same thing we always have
when your aunt Edith ain't home,

lousy leftover meatloaf.

I love Aunt Edith's meatloaf.

Well, sure,
all kids love junk food.

Now put that thing
back in your mouth

and do what I tell you.

We ain't home. Get lost.

Stephanie: I'll get it.

Don't bother.

Nobody comes to see us

but panhandlers,

burglars, and relatives.

Who is it?

Murray: Murray.

Murray, who?

Murray:
Murray, Murray in a hurry.

Open up.

It's Uncle Murray.

Archie: Tell him I'll be
down in a minute.

- Hi.
- Hi, darling.

You wanna sit down
for some meatloaf?

Uh, no.

I've got to get
right back to the bar.

Oh, so you're sure?

Aunt Edith says it's very good

when it's two days old,
and this is three.

Oh, if I'd only know that,

I wouldn't have
had the roast duck.

Well, are you...

are you learning to play that?

Oh, no.
That's for Irving Berlin.

I'm only up to Schubert.

I'm supposed to have sung that
for father and daughter
night at school.

- Uh-huh.
- Well, this is a real oldie.

Let's see now.

Hey, that's great.

- I never knew you could play.
- Uh-hmm.

Well, I don't really play,
I just noodle around.

You see, when I was your age,

I took lessons but I quit.

So, don't quit.

Did pianos look different
way back then?

- Why should they?
- Well, come on.

You know what I mean,
like, um, yeah, like,

did pianos look old
in the old days?

Well, in the old days,

the old pianos looked old.

And the new pianos looked new.

We used to have a player piano,

you know, the one with
the rolls of music inside

and you play with your feet.

- With your feet?
- Mm-hmm.

- Oh, come on.
You're just making up a lie.
-No, no, it's true.

I mean, that's what started me
to want to play the piano.

Do you wanna hear
the first song I learned?

- Why not?
- Okay.

- You ready?
- Yeah.

All right.

Hey, hey, what's with...

Yankee... huh?

How come you don't do some
playing down the bar?

Well, I don't play that good.

And besides,
you wouldn't pay me.

- Are you in the Union?
- No.

Then don't be looking for money.

Uncle Murray
just told me something

I never thought of before.

What?

He used to be my age.

Well, so you say.

I can't picture that.

- Why not?
- You don't think he was born looking like that, do you?

I wasn't.

Why do you start these things?

Hey, Murray, what do you
want from me, huh?

I want... I want the key
to the store room.

And what happened
to yours once again?

You walked off
with it once again.

Why should I walk off
with your key?

Because you lost yours.

Well, when you find mine,
let it be yours.

- What's the difference?
- -Just give me the key, will you?

- Come on.
- All right, here it is.

Here it is.

But be careful, huh?

For God's sakes,
don't lose that one.

- That's the last one I got.
- Okay, okay, okay.

See you later, Stephie.

Bye.

Uh-oh.

Hey, hey, what's the matter?

Hmm? You and Archie
have a fight?

Did you do something
he didn't like?

You're close.

Well, come here, sweetheart.

Come here, tell me.

What?

He did something I didn't like.

Did he yell at you?

Worse, he told me a lie.

Oh, Stephanie,
I don't believe that.

Who are you gonna believe,

him or someone who gets
a B on her composition,

"Honesty is the Best Policy"?

You wrote a composition
on honesty?

Yeah. Don't you remember?
You helped me write it.

It's really... Well, that's true.

- Honesty is the best policy.
- Uh-hmm.

You should have gotten an A
on that composition.

What was the lie
that Archie told you?

He said he was
gonna sing with me

at father and daughter
night at school,

and now he says he won't.

That's not very nice, is it?

Archie:
Hey, Barney,

your dog is on my back lawn now.

I wanted to win first prize.

It's beautiful set
of oil paints and brushes,

but now without a father,

I can't even be in the contest.

Oh, listen, don't worry.

I'll buy you a set of paint.

All the kids' fathers

could buy them
paints and brushes,

but it's not the same
as winning one.

Well, you want me
to talk to him for you?

It won't do any good.

Well, can't hurt to try.

He doesn't like
taking care of me.

Well, I'll see what I can do,

all right, baby?

Hey, Arch.

Oh, it's you.

Geez, I thought you'd be
in the store room by now.

Listen, Arch, I would
like to talk to you

about that father
and daughter night.

- Oh, no, no.
- Look, it's a contest.

The kid can't get
into it without you.

No, Murray,
absolutely nix to that.

- All you have...
- No, I ain't gonna do it.

No, no.

I ain't gonna go up there
sit around all night,

listen to a bunch of kids
m*rder the music language.

I've been through
them things, Murray.

God, there's some
peanut over here

scraping away at its shell.

And another one
over there making out

like she's a gypsy dancer

and banging her tangerines

against a little keister.

No.

Besides, I don't wanna go out
in the rain.

What rain?

Don't you know it always rains

on them parents' nights?

The whole school

smells like rubber coats
and galoshes,

and wet wool, it nauseates me.

All you have to do
is give her one night.

Murray, I said no is final.

Please, huh?

Come on, I'll see you
back at the bar.

I don't get you.

Hey, did you hear that?

Mm-hmm.

- I'm sorry, baby.
- Come here.

You know...

I got an idea.

What?

Well, you know, I can't sing...

but I could play for you.

Would you?

Would your school let me
fill in as your father?

Well, the teacher said
it was okay

for Uncle Archie to fill in,

so why not you?

- I'll ask her tomorrow.
- Okay.

You know something, Steph?

I wish I was your father.

I'd love having
a little girl like you.

I wish you were, too.

You love me more
than Uncle Archie.

They don't write them
like that anymore.

Irving Berlin, the greatest.

- Yeah.
- That's right.

Yeah, not bad.

Even I like that one.

See?

That only goes to prove
that music has charms

to soothe the savage breast.

Hey, that's beautiful,
Mr. Van R.

What does it mean?

Don't you understand
the English language?

Huh?

Boy, Hank, you're a dope.

Haven't you ever seen
those pictures

in the "National Geographic"?

There's always a native band,

playing the hollow coconuts

while the lady savages
are standing around,

having their bosoms charmed?

That's what they mean
when they say

"music charms
the savage breast."

So that's why.

Shakespeare play the coconuts?

And they let this guy vote.

You're wrong, Barney.

The line was by
William Congreve,

and it goes,

"Music has charms to soothe
the savage breast."

Ah, I would have knew it
if you said it that way.

You're straining
our friendship,
you know that?

Hey, Murray, Murray.

Do you know "Love is
Just Around the Corner"?

No, but I'll get my hat
and go there.

- Mr. Klein.
- Murray: Yeah, si?

Can you play something sad?
I'm peeling onions.

Come on, come on, will you?

There's enough
hilarious-y over there.

Harry, get up off your butt
and get behind the bar,
will you, huh?

- Harry: Okay, okay.
- -Murray, can you come over here, please,

and help me count these tabs?

Oh.

Oh, well, now.

What's bothering you?

There's nothing
bothering me, Murray.

Why do you have to go with
the kid to that parents' night?

I'm gonna play for her.

Why do you have to play for her?

Well, is she gonna
sing acapella?

No, she's gonna sing "Always."

Acapella means she got to sing

without a piano.

So, let her sing
without a piano.

Do you want her to lose?

How do you know
she's gonna lose?

Ask the guys.

All: She's gonna lose.

See?

Yeah, but, Jose, there's, uh,

there's one thing
that you ain't thought of.

What?

What the hell does that mean?

That means, sticks and stones
can break my bones,

but ain't gonna hurt me.

I'm gonna ship this guy
back to "Nicaraugu"

with the bananas in the springs.

No, you're not.

Yeah, I think I'll fire him.

You're gonna hire a citizen
for an extra $50 a week?

Well, I'll give him
another chance.

And stop giving him the...

But you wanna let him give me
the...

- No, he can't do that.
- Okay.

- I'll do that, I'm your partner.
- -Well, okay.

Hey, Arch, why don't you go up
in the school with the kid?

- You'll love it.
- -Come on, will you give me a break?

Why do the schools
have to get us all mixed up

with that kind of crapola?

Why do I have to go out on
a rainy night

and go sing for a paint set?

The paint set isn't for you.

Winning is the thing,
doing something important.

I'll let her paint the kitchen.

Didn't you want
your bowling team

to win that disgraceful-looking
trophy you got?

Hold it, hold it.

That's a very beautiful
trophy there.

Silver-plated bowling ball.

Being held aloft by a naked lady

with a clock in her navel?

Now, Murray, if that
ain't a beautiful item,

I don't know what's beauty.

- Hey.
- It's okay, Uncle Murray.

My teacher said it's okay.

Your teacher...
She did say it was okay?

- Oh, that's terrific.
- Hold it, hold it.

Uh, just hold it, huh?

What's okay?

Murray can play piano for me

and be my father on father
and daughter's night at school.

- That's right.
- Now we're gonna do some rehearsing,

get you the right
kind of dress, huh?

Hold it, hold it.

There's a flag on the play here.

- I'm gonna be there.
- Murray ain't.

He's not?

Well, no, he don't
need to be there

because I decided to sing
with you after all.

What made you change your mind?

Well, he likes
to take care of you.

But what about you?

I told the teacher you were
gonna play piano for me.

Well, listen,
let me ask you something.

Is there...

is there any rule against
a girl having two fathers?

Well, I don't think so.

Amy Bloom has two fathers,

and Annabelle Fitch
has three mothers.

Well, then I'm gonna
play for you.

What do you say, Arch?

Can I join you two?

Well, I didn't know
we was coming apart.

Yeah.

Yeah, you come on
and play the piano for us.

Only, uh, don't play so loud,

we'll be just barely singing.

Boy, with two fathers,
I can't lose!

- That's right.
- It's in the bag, sis.

Now, come on,
we got to rehearse.

And especially you.

Well, at least
it stopped raining.

Hi, guys.

- Hey.
- Hey, hey.

Hey, let's see the paint set.

Uh, well, uh, well,
we ain't got no paint set.

Kathy Bates won.

What did Kathy Bates do?

She played the violin
and her father accompanied
her on the flute.

Some terrible duet

by John Philip Mozart.

Okay, so you didn't win
first prize.

- What did you get for second?
- Oh, we didn't get
second either.

That was won by some Italian kid

and her old man
by the name of Cantino.

What did they do?

They played Amapola
on twin accordions.

Can you think of anything worse

than an accordion than Amapola?

- Yeah, Lady of Spain.
- Oh, yeah.

Oh, well, you know how it is.

The fix was in there.

Them prizes is always won
by the kids

whose parents is running up
to the school

for them PPT meetings.

Anyway, guys,
Stephanie was heart broke.

- Oh, yeah.
- Where is she?

She went to the ladies' room.

Oh.

I'll get some food down
that kid and get her home.

Hey, Stephanie, you in there?

Hey, kiddo.

Stephanie? -

Who the hell was looking at you?

Oh, there you are.
Why are you hiding
in the office?

Come on, I got to get you
something to eat

and then get you home
to bed, huh?

Stephie,

we don't care
whether you won or not,

we wanna hear your song.

- Yeah, go ahead.
- Yeah, do it for them.

- I don't feel like singing.
- Go on and do it.

I'm no good.

Archie: Oh, geez.

Stephie...

says who?

We didn't win, did we?

As long as you do
the best you can,

nobody could ask for more.

And what's the difference
if you didn't win?

Winning isn't everything.

Yeah, well, uh, you know,
losing ain't nothing either.

- But, hey, it's over, kid.
- Forget it.

That's life, judges are bought.

Frankly, Steph, I thought
that you were the best.

Right, Arch?

Yeah, certainly,
she was the best.

Come on.
Let's show them, huh?

- Yeah, go ahead.
- Okay.

Do your stuff there, kiddo.

- Well, come on.
- Oh, go on, do it alone.

Come on, you have to.

All right.

Gee, don't yell me
at there, huh?

You ready, Arch?

Yeah, go ahead, start.

♪ Everything went wrong

♪ For the longest while

♪ Now that your blue days

Both:
♪ Now that I've found you

♪ I'll be loving you

Both:

Nothing?

Gee, that's more applause
then I got at school!

You're right.

Yeah, I'll tell you why, too.

When you're with people

who really love you,

you're always a winner.