01x19 - The Return of Sammy

[bunniefuu]

Uncle Archie, quick,
turn on the television,

where is he?

He's in the kitchen
giving the cook a hard time.

What do you want here, kiddo?

Turn on the television.

No.

Look, I told you once.

I told you 20 times,

the menus is my business.

Well, I ain't okay in this menu.

Wait a minute now,
just a minute.



Why not?

Because she's putting her name

on one of the specials here,

Filet of Sole Veronica.

- I saw that.
- That's Veronique.

That means "with grapes."

It adds class, pal.

Please, let me decide

what's class around here.

You know as much about class

as Jackie Onassis
knows about food stamps.

Ah.

- Won't anybody listen to me?
- Yes. What is it?

Uncle Archie,
turn on the television



quick on channel two.

It's "The Phil Farrell Show."

The guest star is a friend
of uncle Archie.

A friend of Archie is on TV?

- Nah.
- That's impossible.

The only friends he has
are right here.

Yeah.

It's Sammy Davis Jr.

Sammy Davis Jr.?

- Oh, no.
- Wait a minute.

Archie knows Sammy.

What's this I hear?

Sammy Davis on TV?

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

Barney says that you know him.

Is that true?

Certainly it's true.

He happens to be a very
close friend of mine.

Sammy Davis is a close
friend of yours?

Don't make me laugh.

Hey, hey, hey.

- Hey, listen.
- Hey, listen there, huh,

- Sammy Davis Jr.
- Once kissed me in my house.

Were the lights on?

He's on channel two.

All right, Harry, Harry,
go turn on channel two, huh?

It's somewheres
between one and four.

I was there
when Sammy kissed him.

Phil:
Ladies and gentlemen,

if you have a question
for Sammy,

the number to call is 555-9345.

Now, we'll be right back

after these messages.

Harry:
Oh, we don't need commercials.

Stephanie:
Go ahead, uncle Archie, call.

- No. No.
- Go ahead.

Go ahead, Archie,
go ask him a question.

- Yeah.
- I don't need to know nothing.

Ask him if being short
helps his tap dancing.

- Sure it does.
- Everybody knows that.

Both:
We do?

Well, sure.

It takes brains
to tap dance good.

And if you're short like Sammy,

your brains is closer
to your feet.

Did it ever occur to you

how stupid you are?

Hey, come on,
Mr. Big shot.

- Go ahead.
- Call the man.

Get a free plug on TV.

No. It ain't fair for me

to tie up the line

when Sam wants to talk
to all the little people.

Hey, Archie,
I'm gonna make it
interesting for you.

I'm gonna bet you 10 bucks

that he doesn't remember you.

Now, call him up.

Ten bucks?

Ten bucks.

Okay. Youse all
heard that, huh?

All right. Yeah. Yeah.

You're on. You're on,
buddy, you're on.

Go ahead. Don't forget
to plug the restaurant.

Oh yeah, and mention
my name, Veronique.

Oh, geez.

What's the number again, eh?

555-9345.

- Okay.
- Hey, mention me too, Arch.

He might remember me.

- Why?
- Did he kiss you too?

Only me, only me.

Hey, you know something?

It would really be terrific
if he did drop in.

You know, the last time
I was close to a star

was when I was waiting tables
at Gustafeste's Grotto.

I spilled hot minestrone
on George Raft's lap.

Oh, did he slug you?

No. George is a gentleman.

He slugged Gustafeste.

Hello.

Put me right through
to Sammy Davis Jr., huh?

I'm a very good friend of his.

I met him twice,
even in my house.

- Yes. All right.
- I'll wait. I'll wait.

All right. He told me
to hold the phone here.

- I'm gonna be next on the line.
- Harry: Hey, he's back on.

Murray:
All right. We'll see, yeah.

Man:
Wasn't it you in the theater
in New York?

Yeah, uh, Mr. Wonderful.

- Man: Oh, yeah.
- Wasn't that the story of your life?

Oh, no.

Man:
Didn't you go on
to play Idi Amin?

No. I only do singers
and dancers.

Thank you for calling anyway.
Goodbye.

Hello. You're on the line
with Sammy Davis Jr.

- Oh, is that me?
- Hey, hello.

Hello, hey, Sammy.

Hey, Sammy, you remember me?

No. You wanna
give me a hint?

Hey, don't you recognize
me here, huh?

Sammy, I drove you once
in my cab.

You left your briefcase
in there,

then you had to come
pick it up at my house.

I'm sorry.
It doesn't ring a bell.

Oh. Hey, you sat
in my living room.

We had a nice long talk.

Still doesn't ring a bell.

Oh, come on, Sam.

You sat in my chair there,

and I treated you
like any regular American.

Ding dong.

Archie Bunker.

Phil: Sammy,
you've quite a memory.

Well, when it comes
to meeting Archie Bunker,

you remember him
for the rest of your life.

You carry him with you,
it's like a...

Like a surgical scar.

I feel the same way
about you, Sammy.

Thank you, Arch.

Hey, what are you doing now,

still driving a cab?

Oh, no, I'm into
something else, Sammy.

I own a bar and grill now.

I wish you could see
this joint here.

We cater to all colors,
creeds, and minorities.

And you're at least two of them.

Well, Archie,
unfortunately like always,

my schedule is very, very heavy.

Tell him the address,
the address.

Leave me alone here.

The cook, mention the cook.

Shut up.

Huh?

Archie:
Oh, no, not you, Sammy.

I was talking
to a bag lady here.

If you ever had the time,

it'd be wonderful
if you turned up here.

I'll give you the address.
5279 at Northern Boulevard.

- Queens.
- Yeah.

It's in... it's in Queens, Sammy.

Yeah. It's Archie Bunker's
Place, ask anybody.

Hey, Sam, I got a little girl

here who's dying to talk to you.

It's my little niece, okay?

Sammy:
Oh, of course.
Put her on, Archie.

Archie:
Yeah. Here, here.

Oh, go ahead.
Go ahead, talk. Talk.

Hey, tell him you're Jewish,
he'll like that.

Hi, Mr. Davis.

Sammy:
Hello, darling.

How old are you?

I'm 10.

- Archie:
Tell him. Tell him.
- And I'm Jewish.

You're what?

Stephanie:
I'm Jewish.

I saw you on TV from Las Vegas.

You were great.

Thank you, darling.

Let me get this straight.

You're Archie Bunker's niece,

and you're Jewish?

Stephanie:
It's a long story.

I got no place to go.
You tell it to me.

Phil:
Sam, we got other calls.

This story
I've got to hear, Phil.

And the nice people
will wait, I know.

Go ahead, darling.
Tell it all to me.

Well, my aunt Edith
told me that I'm her

and uncle Archie's niece

by a marriage of her second
cousin-in-law,

once removed to my mother,

who is Jewish, in that relation.

That certainly makes sense.

Archie, I think I can find

a little time to come over

and see you and see the place.

Besides, there's somebody
that I know

that I want you to meet,

and I want them to meet you.

Tell him he can bring
anybody he wants.

You can bring anybody you want.

- Archie: Yeah. Yeah.
- Anybody you want, Sammy.

Murray:
Here, here, here,
here try this.

Archie:
Oh, give me... give me the phone.

Sammy, you can bring
anybody you want,

irregardless of complexion,
if you follow my meaning.

I follow your meaning, Archie.

And do me a favor,
Arch, if you will,

would you give me a couple
of spaces for my limousine?

Archie:
Oh, you got it, Sam.

And we'll be over early
in the evening.

Thanks for calling.
Goodbye, Archie.

Archie:
Goodbye, Sammy.

- Phil: Hello.
- You're on the line with Sammy Davis Jr.

Wow. He's coming over.

Oh, boy, well, isn't that...

Well, isn't that nice talking

to Sammy Davis Jr.?

Yeah. You're damn right
it was nice.

And it was nice earning $10

while I was doing it.

What do you mean?

Give it up.

I wonder who he's gonna
bring with him.

Maybe Dean Martin.

Oh, wouldn't that be nice

if Dean Martin passed out
on our floor, huh?

Hey, do you know

that that could make this joint?

Well, now, everything all right?

- How's it going?
- Oh, fine.

Oh, beautiful, beautiful.

You know, we were kind of hoping

we'd run into Sammy Davis
here tonight.

Well, there's a chance.

Are you the Archie Bunker
that he talked to on the show?

No, no, no, honey.

Archie Bunker is the man
that seated us.

This is the guy
that brought us from
the back of the bar.

Enjoy.

I'm so excited about
Sammy Davis coming here.

Yeah. Yeah. I know.

God, can't you get rid
of that earring?

I got dressed for our guest.

Listen, if you wanna be
a pirate,

get yourself a wooden leg.

And if you wanna be
Marlene Dietrich,

get another earring
and a lamp post.

Is that Sammy Davis Jr.?

Well, it ain't Ruby Begonia.

Sammy. Sammy.

How nice it is to see you.

- Nice to see you, Archie.
- Oh, geez.

Sammy Davis, you really showed.

Oh, boy.

You know, you're cute
even in person.

Well, thank you. I like
to think of myself sometimes

as a well-done Robert Redford.

Okay. Say hello to him.

Mr. Davis, I am one
of your biggest fans.

Can I just shake your hand?

Well, of course you can, my man.

Hey, I dig your earring.

Why, thank you.

Some people think men
shouldn't wear them.

Well, they used to say
the same thing about my rings.

Hey, Sammy, I admire
gorgeous jewelry

on certain men, you know,

but fly away, huh, Fred?

It's nice to see that
you appreciate people, Archie,

for what they are.

Sammy,
you know, you got to move
with this world, right?

Hey, come on in.
Come on in.

Make yourself at home.
I want you to sit down.

- Hey, get a chair for him there.
- -Hey, get him a chair.

Get back all of youse, huh?

Get back.
Geez, don't crowd around here.

- Yeah, now.
- Hey, stay where youse are,

all of youse, huh?

I want you to hang in
with me on this,

because you're gonna get
some wild Americano

laid on you down here.

I'm getting it.

Ah.

Oh, by the way, everybody,

this is Olivia Belladonna.

- How do you do?
- Hi. Yeah.

She follows me around.

She follow... what is she, Sam,

one of your "gropies"?

No.

She's doing an article.

Oh.

Racial attitudes in America.

And I figured that you were
one person, Archie,

that Olivia had to meet.

Ah.

Now, where is that
little niece of yours?

Oh, oh, Sam, she's due here
any minute now.

- Oh, good.
- Hey, look at this,

the press is covering us here.

- Oh, yeah.
- What paper do you work for?

Freelance.

I've never read that one.

No. I work for myself.

I sell to anyone.

Oh, well. Hey, listen,
you get your facts straight,

keep your stories honest there,

and you could sell
to the "National Enquirer."

- Hello there, Sam.
- Barney Hefner.

Oh, pleased to meet you.

Oh, we've met before.

I'm sorry, I don't remember.

- Oh, sure.
- We met at Archie's house.

- He's my closest friend.
- Oh.

My dog even uses his lawn.

- That's close.
- Yeah.

Do you know
how disgusting that is?

Hey, Arch, come on.

Oh, my partner's here,
Sammy, my partner.

Hello Sammy.

Murray Klein.

My pleasure.
Murray Klein?

Yes.

A landsman?

What the hell is a landsman?

Well,
that's like a Jewish
soul brother.

Oh. Oh, yeah.

So, you're his partner, huh?

Yes.

Sometimes I even
surprise myself.

A Jewish partner.

Yeah.

Your story's getting better
all the time.

- Mr. D, excuse me.
- Sammy: Yes?

The next plane leaves
at 9:47.

Thank you, babe.

- Sammy?
- I'm going to Vegas.

Oh, Sammy, please, hey geez.

Don't flash the gems around

too much, you know.

I mean, I can't even vouch

for some of the white
people in here.

- Mr. Davis.
- What?

As a token
of my admiration for you,

I'm gonna let you try
one of my specials.

Well, thank you very, very much.

Sammy, this is Veronica,
our chef.

How do you do?

- Pleased to meet you...
- No, I'm pleased.

But, as you can see,
I'm on a diet.

Eat it. Eat it, Sammy.

Yeah. To have you eat
something I cook

would give me such a thrill.

Yeah. Yeah. Just give it
a little taste, Sammy.

You know, she don't get
many thrills.

- All right.
- For you, darling.

- Mr. Davis.
- Yeah?

I love you.

Well, I don't deserve
that, darling,

but thank you very much.

We just wanted to meet you.

Where is your hand?

Right under my rings.

Hey.

- Just look at them.
- Don't eat them.

Hmm, this is delicious.

What is it?

Oh, Swiss steak.

Two bites and you start
to yodel.

Well, I better take
another bite then

because I don't wanna yodel,

I wanna sing straight.

It's really good,
it's been marinating.

We ain't interested
in what the cow was doing

before you cooked it.

- Arch?
- What's the matter?

- You all right? Huh?
- Mr. Davis?

- I think... oh, he's choking.
- Sammy, what happened?

- Oh, my God.
- Sammy, talk to me.

Mr. Davis, don't choke.

Hey, don't pat him on the back.

- Don't him.
- Don't you tell me what to do.

- Stop talking and do something.
- Stand back. Stand back.

Oh, my God.

Oh, Sammy, don't move,
and don't worry.

And for God's sakes, don't die.

Here, just a minute.

Get back. Get back.

One, two, three.

Sammy:
Ugh!

Barney:
Oh, he's okay.

- Yeah.
- He's all right.

He's all right.

And let's hear it
for our hero, Archie.

- Hey, Sam.
- What's the matter?

- Sam, what's the matter?
- What?

I think the mashugana
cracked some of my ribs.

Veronica:
Come on, Archie.

Archie:
We shouldn't do this.

Veronica:
You owe him one. You got to.

- Murray: Come on now. Come on.
- Why don't youse two go
and see him?

He don't wanna see me.

Stay right here.

Mr. Davis, where is he?

- Are you friends of Mr. Davis?
- Friends? Of course.

You know, if it wasn't
for this man,

Mr. Davis wouldn't be
where he is today.

♪ I'm a fool I are

♪ To go to Archie's bar

Woman:
Okay, Mr. D,

your reservations are all set.

Groovy.

Open that up, Bryce, will you?

- Hey, welcome.
- Come on in. Entree.

Hey, Sammy, how do you feel?

Oh, I'm hurt.

I'm getting out of here.

No, you're not,
you're gonna talk to him.

Come on.
Face him now.

Hi there, sis.

Mr. Davis, I am real sorry
that my Swiss steak

put you in the hospital.

It was supposed to stick
to your ribs,

not break them.

It was delicious.

And beside, Veronica,
it's not your fault.

It's not Murray's fault.

Ah.

Tell him what I told you.

How, uh, what did you tell me?

Tell him that you feel bad.

I feel very bad, Sam.

He thinks you're going
to sue him, Mr. Davis.

No, he doesn't.

Yes, I do.

Oh, come on, Arch.

Why would I sue you?

After all, you save my life.

He cracked your ribs.

We don't know.

The X-rays ain't back yet.

And when he finally found
the right place to squeeze,

he stopped Sammy from choking.

Archie:
That's is right.

And if Sammy had chocked there,

he would've been one dead...

Hey!

Superstar.

Now, what the hell of a word

did you think I was gonna use?

You don't expect me
say it, do you?

Say what?

Spade, Sammy. Spade.

A word I ain't used

since I last seen Sammy, right?

Yeah.

I remember.

How are we feeling,
Mr. Davis?

We're feeling fine,
Nurse Wilson.

I see someone set us up.

Yes, one of the other
nurses did that.

And took us
to the little boys room.

I'm afraid I did that myself.

I'd like you to meet
some friends of mine.

This is Veronica who almost
gave me my last meal.

And this is Murray Klein.

- Hello, hi.
- Hi.

And this is Archie Bunker.

Yeah. Hi.
Are you sure youse people here

at the hospital are giving
Sammy all he needs?

Are you the h*nky
who wasted Sammy?

She called me a h*nky, Sammy.

Yes, I heard her.

What did the X-ray show?

They show no break,
Mr. Davis.

Oh, good.

Now you just wait
until the doctor comes in.

He wants to put
a little tape around you,

just for comfort.

Good. And thank you
very much, Nurse Wilson.

- Sure.
- Jeez, h*nky. That ain't nice.

What is she so sore about?

The way you talked to her.

Huh?

She's indignant
because blacks
who have it made

are treated with great respect,

as supposed to average blacks
with average jobs,

and in spite of the strides
made by some blacks,

the pervading attitude
in this country

is still selective
discrimination.

Geez, I didn't hear
the nurse say all of that.

That's what she feels.

It's obvious.

Wait a minute.

It's the same
for white people too.

Ain't it, Sammy?

Uh, I mean to say,

people treat Dean Martin
way better than they treat

an ordinary drunk, don't they?

- True.
- There.

And don't forget, miss,

Sammy was invited to his house.

But would
he invite someone
like Nurse Wilson?

Well, yes, certainly,
if I needed a nurse.

You invited Sammy Davis
because he's a star.

He was born
with a special talent.

Damn right he was.

And lucky to have it too.

Hey, I mean, how many
little black kids

can grow up to be the world's
greatest entertainer

because they was too short
to play basketball.

Mr. Bunker,
I haven't heard you say,

one thing all day
that wasn't r*cist

from start to finish.

You wanna hear me say something
that ain't r*cist?

What? -

I'll leave it
to Mr. Davis,

am I right or wrong?

Well, you're right
about what he said,

but you might be wrong
about what he is.

- Oh, come on.
- Do you wanna listen to this?

No, no, no.
Put that thing away.

I was there when it all went
into the machine, remember?

Look, let me put it
to you this way.

That machine couldn't
possibly pick up

the look in his eyes

when we walked into that joint.

Nor could that tape recorder
pick up the feeling that I felt

when Archie took my hand

and said, "Welcome Sammy."

Now then, Mr. Davis,

you take these pictures
to your doctor in Hollywood

so he can look at them.

Okay.

- Hey, nurse.
- Hey, hey, just listen.

Yes?

Will you come to my house
for dinner?

I might,

if there was a famine
up in Harlem.

Sammy, you know, my guy
has come a long way.

- Yeah, yeah.
- He's right, Sammy.

I mean, after all, I got
a Jewish partner.

True.

And he's got me too,
God help me.

- But what are you?
- Are you Jewish?

- No, Catholic.
- Oh.

We had to hire one of them, Sam,

you know, for looks.

And he's got my nephew,
Fred, too.

Oh, what's he?

- Fred...
- Fred, can't... forget it.

- Nothing in particular.
- Oh.

He wears earrings
and dances backwards.

Oh, geez.

Well, thanks for all
your help, Mr. Davis.

I'm off. I'll ring you
when I'm on the coast.

All right. Wait a minute.
Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Would you like,
uh, a final quote?

Love it.

All right.

Now, I want you to look at me
when I talk to you

because I got to tell
you something.

Words alone don't make it.

See, the older I get,

the more I realize

that it's not what a person
is that counts,

it's what a person wants to be,

can you dig it?

I dig it.

Uh-oh, my tape recorder
wasn't on,

but that's okay.

I've got the most important
stuff anyway.

Ciao.

Hey, lady, I hate
your little white hat.

Hey, Sammy,

how do you handle
somebody like that, huh?

Very carefully, Murray.

Stephanie:
Move it, move it, move it,
move it, move it.

Hey, hey, hey, hey.
Hey, hey, hey.

What are youse
two doing in here?

I didn't get
to meet Mr. Davis.

I just had to show him
my new earring.

Oh, help me Lord.

This is your niece, right?

Yeah, that's Stephanie,
Stephanie. Yeah.

- Stephanie, come on.
- Come up here.

- Step up here.
- Sit there with me

and give us a hug,
but be careful now.

- Okay.
- Okay.

There you go. Oh.

Did you really kiss
my uncle Archie?

Yes, I did, once.

Once was enough, huh?

Would you like
to see me do it again?

- Yeah.
- Hold it. Hold it. Hold it.

- Let him kiss you.
- No.

Hey, what do you mean, no?

Do you really mean, no?

Sammy, look that way.

Now, I ain't gonna
let you kiss me this time,

because this time

it's on me.