01x27 - Monkee Mother

[bunniefuu]

Hey, Peter.

Mm-hm?

Everybody knows you're not going to
take egg rolls home to a dog.

Who told 'em?

Can't take him anywhere.

Yes, you can; you brought me here.

You know what I like about this place?
It's so peaceful and quiet, you know.

Far away from the cares of the world.

Ha ha ha ha!
Ha ha ha ha!

Ha ha ha ha!

The plan goes well.

The secret formula has been
written on tiny slips of

paper and placed inside fortune
cookies. Ha ha ha ha ha ha.

Oh, boy! Is good, Dragonman.

Who would suspect that customers who dine
here at Chinaboy Club are foreign spies who

take fortune cookies with secret
formula and pass them to Asian masters?

Ha ha! Toto, take these outside.

Yes, sir. Yes, master.

Uh, Toto, remember first rule
of our spy organization.

What is that, master?

He who eat cookie screw up formula
something terrible.

Peter, will you please not
take any more stuff, man?

You're gonna get sick.

Oh, but I love fortune cookies.

He has cookie!
Stop him! Stop him!

Mike!

Peter, please, come on.

Get him! Go! Get him!

Woo! Well, I knew we were light
tippers, but that's ridiculous.

Boy, those Chinese were sore at us.

Maybe they thought we were Russians.

I wonder what they wanted.

Oh, you never can tell;
orientals are a curious people.

- Get into that car.
- Hi.

One false move, and you're through.

Hey, Mike. I wonder what they want.

I don't know; occidentals
are a curious people.

Here we come
Walkin' down the street

We get the funniest looks from
Ev'ry one we meet

Hey, hey, we're the Monkees
And people say we monkey around

But we're too busy singing
To put anybody down

We're just tryin' to be friendly
Come and watch us sing and play

We're the young generation
And we've got something to say

Hey, hey, we're the Monkees
You never know where we'll be found

So you better get ready,

We may be comin' to your town

Help, help! Oh, Mike, Mike! oh!

Help, help. Oh, help, help.
Oh, we're kidnapped.

We're gonna die.
Kidnap, kidnap.

You're frightened, aren't you?

Oh, you're very perceptive.

You should be; making
a pick-up of stolen

security information is a
very serious offense.

What is-pick up of what?

Security information? What's-

Yeah, I thought this
was a kidnapping.

Kidnapping? This is the Central
Intelligence Service,

and your friend was picked up with
a piece of classified information.

- Huh?
- Oh.

Oh, you mean the fortune cookie.
Oh, I could explain that.

You see, Peter picks up fortune
cookies like that and

takes them home and feeds them
to a dog we don't have.

- Yeah.
- Uh-huh.

Uh, well, what I mean is,
I mean, we don't have a dog,

We have a dummy and monkey.

They aren't really either,
but the monkey-the dummy...

No, but he does things
like that all the time.

Alright, Modell. Front and center.
I've got it!

One fourth of the formula
for the Doomsday Bug.

Don't worry about these kids;
they're clean.

We're clean. See?
Of course, I'm always clean.

I have a bath twice a week.

They're a rock 'n' roll group
called The Monkees.

Sure, we're The Monkees. We could
have told you that a long time ago.

Now, what is this Doomsday Bug?

Only the most powerful weapon our
chemical warfare branch ever developed.

This is the Doomsday Bug.

Uh!

The Doomsday Bug! We must get
the formula for the Doomsday Bug.

What is this bug, master?

It is a vicious germ cell with green
spots, hairy legs, and two hundred eyes.

Oh, but master, why does bug
have so many eyes?

The better to see you with, my boy.

So, Toto, we must find
lost portion of formula.

But master, who took the formula?

The boy with the long hair named Peter.

Oh, that's a strange name for long hair.

We've been trying to learn the identity
of the big man of the spy ring.

Their number two man is a
weirdo called the Dragonman.

So, what's so weird about this guy?

Well, he has long hair,
wears strange clothes,

and, uh... oh, well,
he's not really that weird.

No, he's not.

No, he's not.
Thank you very much,

Inspector Blount. We don't
want any part of it. Bye.

Alright, but remember this:
the Dragonman knows your friend

took that fortune cookie,
and he may come looking for you.

That's silly. What is he
going to find us for? Silly.

It's okay; it's me.

Oh, phew. You know what?
I think the inspector

was trying to scare us
into helping him.

I don't think we're in any danger.

Oh no? You know the, uh, movie
wax museum we pass on the way home?

Yeah.

Was Gary Cooper Chinese?

No.

Then we're being followed.

Oh, come on, man.
We've done everything we can.

We're as secure as we can be.
Let's go upstairs to bed.

Uh-huh. Yeah.

Oh, Davy. If they kidnap
me tonight and k*ll me,

I want you to have
my new sport jacket.

Oh, Peter, will you stop that?
They're never gonna k*ll you.

Do you understand? Nothing's
gonna happen to you.

Come on. Hey. What color is
your new sports jacket?

Oh!

Come on.

Get him! Get him! Quick,
before the other boys get back!

Oh boy, oh boy!
Master will be pleased!

Very good, Toto. For this, you
receive the award of the golden gong.

Oh, thank you, master!

Ah, Chang.
Please to remove hood.

What is this?

I do not know, master.

It is better to have loved and lost
than to have never loved at all.

No golden gong, master?

Oh, come on. Let's go to bed.

Oh, it's okay, Mike. I'm going to get
something for my stomach. A little upset.

Now Toto, let us hope you have
done your job well this time.

Yes, master.

Ah, Chang. Take off the hood,
please. Grr!

You fool! Once again, you
have brought me wrong man!

You fool! You have again brought
him the wrong one. Bye.

Forgive me, master, but all
American look alike to me.

It's all my fault;
it's me they were after.

Ha ha, ha ha ha! So, now you
believe when I tell you

that we are dealing with dangerous,
unscrupulous villains.

Yeah, well, we know that, man, but,
uh, we gotta do something and fast.

Speed is not as important as secrecy.

In our business, secrecy is our
most important weapon. Utter secrecy.

Secrecy, secrecy, secrecy,
secrecy, secrecy.

What are you doing?

Uttering secrecy.

Hello? Yes, they've captured one of
the boys, but they got the wrong one.

The piece of information
they want is in my safe.

We're planning what action
to take now. You're welcome.

Who was that?

I don't know.

Now where were we?

Are we safe in here?

My dear boy, this is a
secret headquarters;

our enemy doesn't have the
foggiest idea of our location.

Shine, mister?

No, thanks.

Take your picture. Smile.

Now then, go home and put
your faith in the CIS.

Ha ha ha, ha ha.

Hey. Hey, Dragonman. Call off your goon;
I don't like the way he's acting.

You're no Laurence Olivier yourself.

- Chang?
- Yes?

Don't do that.

And now, Toto, for
your instructions.

Ooh!

I want you to find the Monkee,
get the cookie,

bring the Monkee and the cookie
to me. Repeat, please.

I find the cookie,
and bring the Monkee-

Uh, no, no, no, no.
No, you find the cookie,

get the Monkee, then
cook the cookie.

Quiet, please! Look,
I write it down for you.

I want you to read every word,
memorize every word,

and then destroy the paper.

You don't read sideways like that,
straight up and down.

Oh!

Alright, now, repeat instructions.

Uh, uh, I cook a Monkee,
uh, get cookie?

No, no, no, no. You monk the cookie,
cook the Monkee, then find the cookie.

Shut up, please! Quiet!
I repeat for you one more time.

Listen carefully. You monk the
cookie, buy the turkey cookie.

You try the turkey, baste the
turkey-b-baste the turkey?

Nice try, Dragonman;
you want to try it again?

Grr!

Hey, Mike. Mike, it's
a note from Peter.

What does it say?

"I-tt's my fault that Micky
was kidnapped. They wanted me.

I'm, I'm going to the
Chinese restaurant.

It's a far, far better thing
I do than I have ever done before."

Oh, wow! Look, you
call Inspector Blount.

- Right.
- I'll get out the car.

We've got to get to
that restaurant.

Wait a minute.

You call the restaurant,
I'll get the car out,

and we got to get the call
to Inspector Blount.

No, Mike, Mike, listen.
I'll pull the car-

- You get the car-
- You...?

- I'll get the restaurant-
- I'll find the car-

We go to the...
Let's go!

I will not go to jail!

Master, master!

Has Toto returned with the boy?

Better yet, master; the boy has come to us.

He is outside in the restaurant.

So, he has fallen into my crutches.

Your crutches?!

Not my crutches.
My crutches.

Yes, sir?

Uh, I'd like to order
from plan A, please.

So sorry.
Plan A not available.

Oh, well, how about plan B?

So sorry. Plan B not available.
Perhaps, plan C?

Oh, what's plan C? No, I don't
think I cared for that a bit.

Oh boy, oh boy. I have
him this time, master.

I have the right one.

Thank heavens!
You've come!

It was a bold and daring
move, your coming here.

I'd put my arm in the fire for Micky.

Oh, that's very specialized work.
Uh, Mr. Tork.

I am a civilized man
who abhors violence.

Tell me quickly,
where is the information?

You'll never get me to speak.

Toto! Observe please,
Mr. Tork, the lowly ant.

He is numerous, he is patient,
and he prevails. Ha ha.

That's pretty good. Heh.
You should write fortune cookies.

Toto, persuade the young man to speak.
The ants, the ants!

I know what I shall do, master.
I shall take the ten thousand red ants-

Stop! I thank you to do your fiendish work,
but don't tell me about it. Work.

Yes, master.

Toto? What is it you do with
ten thousand red ants?

- Okay, guys, let's go.
- What?

Um, I mean, Davy.

Hi, there, uh, we're, uh, we're from
the Pure Food and Drugs Administration.

Uh, do you serve crabs?

We serve anybody!

Well, that's, that may be;
we still have to inspect your kitchens.

Oh, no!

That's the last time I eat in that place.

Yeah, well, uh, they probably serve
bad food and drugs, anyway. Heh heh.

Heh heh.

Bite him, sic him, sic him,
make him itch,

itch, itch, itch, itch.
Itch him, itch him.

Stay.
Scratch him, scratch him.

Stop with the ants. Better
yet, the Chinese ice t*rture.

No! Not the Chinese ice t*rture!

Yes, the Chinese ice t*rture.

What is the Chinese ice t*rture?

A rope is tied around a small ice
cube, a razor sharp dagger is

fastened to the rope and suspended
over the victim's throat.

As the ice cube melts, the dagger comes
closer and closer to the victim's throat.

Ha ha ha ha ha! Toto,
the Chinese ice t*rture!

No, master; I cannot do it.

A-ha, Toto! You have no stomach
for ice t*rture.

No, master; we out of ice.

A-waiter, please-a! Can a waiter
please-a come over here?

Come here.

I would like-a something
to eat-a, please.

May I take your order, please?

I'd-a like-a medium-a pizza with-a
anchovies and-a-a like a sausage,

onions, and a lot-a
cheese-a please-a.

But we no make-

Except I would like a large one,
um, with prosciutto, peppers-

No, we don't make-

and no anchovies, 'cause they're salty,
but I like it very gooey and messy.

And I'd like a medium a-pizza,
very cheesy, very...

...I eat it like this...

Please! Please! Quiet!

...and in and out of that thing-

Our cook no make pizza!

Oh, well, oh, now; we can make pizza.

- We'd be glad to!
- Oh, no!

Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy!

Now, this has, this has
gone far enough.

Really, we can't talk because
we don't know anything-

because we can't talk, because we're,
we're musicians, we're Monkees, we sing.

- Singers.
- Sing. Let's sing.

- Sing.
- We'll sing.

Let's sing.

? Take the last train
to Clarksville ?

? And I'll meet you
at the station ?

? The ice is melting faster ?

? The knife is getting sharper ?

? The rope is getting lower ?

? I'll meet you at four-thirty ?
? Don't be sharp, oh no ?

? No, no ?

You expect me to believe you
make money singing like that?

I didn't say we made money;
I said we sing.

Oh, so you are nothing
but a singing group?

Right!

Then we have nothing
to learn from you.

Right!

Nothing to learn at all, no.

Then I can merely k*ll you.

Right.

Wrong!

Time's running out.

That's right.

There's only one thing left to do.

This looks like a job for...

Monkeemen!

Up, up and away.

What is this "up and away" thing?

I want to fly man, want to fly.

Fly? Why are you gonna fly, man?
The restaurant's a half a block.

- Oh, is it?
- Yeah.

We better walk then, hadn't we?

We might as well walk.

Before you k*ll us,
Charlie, tell me one thing.

Who's number one? Who is Mr. Big?

Who do you suppose, my little Monkee?
Mr. Big is Dragonman.

Oh, well, isn't that always the way?
The fellow you least suspect.

But I am a civilized man.
I offer you,

I offer you chance to save your lives.

Oh, you're a real sport!

Hey, don't make trouble.

Behind you, you'll see four doors.

Three of them, three, my friends,
are marked for sudden death.

The fourth will lead to freedom.
It is your choice.

You have sixty seconds to choose.
Ha ha ha. Come, Toto.

Sixty. Sixty seconds.

One, two, three.
Hey, this is gonna be fun.

It is not any game, Peter.

Let's see what's behind this door.

No, wait! Just open
it a crack first.

It sounded alright to me.

Let's go to this next door;
I thought I heard a rattle.

Maybe it's a baby.

Ra-ra-ra-rattlesnake.

I'll bet this door
leads to freedom.

Oh. Just in time.

What are you, "just in time"?

Well, we know one thing, baby;
that's the door to freedom.

Right you are, ha ha ha ha.

Ah!

Hey, wait! Wait! You said one
of these doors led to freedom.

I didn't say it positively.

He's right, you know.

k*ll them!

The door was open.

- It's Monkeemen!
- Men.

We're saved!

??? Now, like the inspector said,

we'll use psychological warfare.
Ha ha, ha, ha ha.

Ha ha ha. Ha ha.
Ah ha. Ah ha.

h* h*. Ah ha. Ah ha.
Oh ha. Ah. Wah.

You're a nail biter.

You're a nail biter, and your
mother never, ever loved you.

You are too short.
You are too short,

and you have no ear for music.

Oh, oh, Mike! Mike!
Oh, help me, Mike!

Yes, I'll, I'll handle this.
You're ugly.

You're an ugly person.
Ugly, ugly!

Ooh, are you ugly! Nobody
likes you, least of all me.

Oh!

Nobody, nobody likes you.
Take that.

Enough of this!
Get formula for Doomsday Bug.

Oh, what is this formula?
I have the Doomsday Bug here.

Ha, that is it, the Doomsday Bug.
Ha ha. The bug itself!

Oh boy. Oh boy, master, the bug.

Don't try to fool me with old
bug trick. You have no bug!

Oh, he has a bug.
Oh, he has a bug.

That's for sure. That's a-

Oh, that's a bug, see that?

A hundred and ninety-nine,
two hundred eyes.

Two hundred eyes.

See that? It's the bug, the bug.
Watch this, watch, wa.

Ah!

Oh, please. You fools,
there is no bug!

Oh, yeah, it's jumping all
over him. It's on him now.

You fools, there is no bug!
Get them, get them!

Get 'em.

She knows her mind all right,
your auntie Grizelda,

She says she knows my kind,
she might, maybe so

Oh, yeah, she's raised you right,
your auntie Grizelda,

You only know the things
she wants you to know

I know she's having a fit,
She doesn't like me a bit,

No bird of grace ever lit
on auntie Grizelda

You can't begrudge her style,
your auntie Grizelda,

She couldn't budge a
smile and do it for free

So righteous making fudge,
your auntie Grizelda,

So proper judging
others over her tea

You look just like her you do,
I know by looking at you,

That you've been listening
to your auntie Grizelda

Oh, no, don't look at
me like auntie Grizelda

It takes much more to
be someone of your own

You've got to make it
free from auntie Grizelda

Or just like her you'll
have to make it alone

I know she's having a fit,
She doesn't like me a bit,

No bird of grace ever
lit on auntie Grizelda

Auntie Grizelda,
auntie Grizelda

Auntie Grizelda,
auntie Grizelda

Bye. Bye. Ha ha.

Good work, men. Good work, men.
Good work, men!

What? Hey, hey, come on, now.

Good work, men! I came
as fast as I could.

Yeah, how did you
get here, by ox-cart?

No, I came by-

How about the, uh, how 'bout
the dinner for four.

There's the egg roll and
the chop suey and-

Yeah, I'm starving to death, man.

You know, I didn't realize you could
get so hungry saving your country.

I come from England, and I'm hungry.

Hey, guys, I gotta get out of here.

- Why?
- I have these instructions;

I'm supposed to make contact
with a tall man

wearing a carnation on the
corner of Spring and Elm,

who will give me a capsule which

I'm supposed to take to
the railroad station,

where a woman wearing a
beret will get off...