01x07 - Monkees in a Ghost Town

[bunniefuu]

Man, I've heard of out of town jobs before,
but this is ridiculous.

How far do we gotta go?

Hey, you pass the gas station with
the drugstore on the corner yet?

Yeah, about a hundred
and fifty miles back.

Ah, that's, well we
should of turned left.

I kind of wished you would have
mentioned that a little bit sooner man.

We're almost out of gas.

Well, we're out of gas.

Huh, well, it's a nice place to visit.
I wouldn't want to live here.

Cross at the green, not in between.

He's been out in the sun too long.

He was no bargain in the shade.

Hey look, uh, Peter, you and
Micky go up this end of town.

And Davy, you and I go down this end
for some gas or something to eat.

Come on.

See ya later.

Did you see anything?

No, I don't mind telling you.
It's making me nervous.

Nervous, eh? Looks like you're
a yellow-livered coward.

So Kinkaid paid a hired
k*ller to come and get me.

That's right Slade. I paid him
five hundred dollars for your life.

Five hundred dollars huh.

Well, I only got three
words for you Blackbart.

Yeah, what are they?

Six hundred dollars?

Kincaid, you're a
yellow-livered coward.

Ah!

Guess they use this to
call cowboys to supper.

What do you want
that old thing for?

I used to play one of
these in high school

There's somebody out there

Really neat.

Here we come, walkin' down the street

We get the funniest looks
from every one we meet

Hey, hey, we're the Monkees,
and people say we monkey around

But we're too busy singing
to put anybody down

We're just tryin' to be friendly,
come and watch us sing and play

We're the young generation,
and we've got something to say

Hey, hey, we're the Monkees,
you never know where we'll be found

So you better get ready,
we may be comin' to your town

The Monkees brought
to you by Kellogg's

♪ K-E double L, O double good,
Kellogg's best to you ♪

Mickey! Mic... Mickey!

Gotcha now Marshall.

[g*n shots]

Hey man, if this is a ghost town,
what do you call that?

Well, off hand, I'd say it's
a circle of b*ll*ts around our feet.

Alright you guys, heist them.

[g*n shots]

You heard me. Reach!

Say, you're pretty tough with
a g*n in your hand, aren't ya?

You think so, huh?

Well, you ought to see him with a cigarette

hanging out of the corner
of his mouth. [Chuckles]

George, now you show them that mean look
you can get when you squint your eyes.

- Go on George.
- Oh come on.

Uh, hey look, we gotta split.

Wait! [g*n shots]

Gimme a famous line.

You ain't going no place.

I'm not so sure they're alone.

You keep these two on
ice while I look around.

But George...

Where am I gonna
get ice on the desert?

Hey look, what do you want?

What do I want?

I want what any man wants.
I want a job and security and a home.

PTA meetings and
cookouts on weekends.

That's what I want.

Can you give me all of that?

Well, no.

Then...shut up!

Okay.

Now, come on. Get outta here.

Get outta here. Hurry up.

First we get lost and run out of gas,
then Mike and Davy disappear,

...and then somebody starts
sh**ting off a machine g*n,

...and now this guy
is searching the town.

That's for the benefit of
any of you that tuned in late.

Now, back to our story.

George, George, tell me how it's
gonna be when the big man gets here.

Okay Lenny, I'll tell ya.

Uh, go on George.

When the Big Man gets here,

...we're gonna take our cut and
we're gonna scram out of here.

Take our cut.

What about the kids?

- Yeah, what about the kids?
- Yeah!

Why should you get a cut?
You never done nothing.

I mean about knocking them off.
Never mind.

We'll let the Big Man worry
about that. It's his caper.

We never seen him. Wonder
how come he give us this job.

Hey, I got an idea.

I wonder what happened
to Micky and Peter.

Maybe they'll come see
us on visiting day.

George, I wish the
Big Man was here.

Take it easy Lenny.
He'll get here when he's ready.

He's ready.

Okay boss.

Alright.

Where is everybody? This place
looks like a ghost town. [Laughs loudly]

Who are you?

[Laughs] That's rich.

Bright boy wants to know who I am.

Well, I like that.
It shows he's a bright boy.

You ain't the Big Man?

They don't come no bigger.

Well, boss, I sure am glad to see you.

We didn't think
you were gonna make it.

Nobody touches the Big
Man's trigger finger.

Alright, where's the dough?

Oh yeah, it's right over here boss.

Who are they?

A couple of kids that
stumbled in on us.

Well, give Spider the keys and
he'll take care of the kids himself.

Won't you Spider?

- Won't you Spider?!
- What? What?

Spider take care of
the kids himself.

Spider will take care of the kids himself.

Wait a minute. I didn't hear no car.
How did you get here?

I didn't get here in no car.

We, uh, coasted up. We coasted up
because that saves on gas.

Especially during the getaways, you know.

Yeah, no, which reminds me, I think we
have the motor running in the car Spider.

We better go check on it. Listen,
we'll see you guys later.

Wait a minute.

Gimme a famous line Lenny.

You, you ain't going no place.

Wait a minute. He's the
Big Man and I'm Spider.

I'm the Big Man.

I'll smash you.

You can't step on a spider.

Why not?

It'll rain.

Oh.

Alright. Now you stand right there.

Fine. Come on.
You get in there.

Oh, uh, and boys, if I were you,
I wouldn't try to get out.

There's nothing around
here but miles of desert.

Have fun.

Fun on the desert.
That's all we need.

Yeah, fun on the desert.

[Music]

I'm gonna pack up all the pain
I been a keepin' in my heart

I'm gonna catch me the fastest train

I'm gonna make me a brand new start

But that's okay

Tomorrow's gonna be another day
Hey, hey, hey

And I don't care what you say

Tomorrow's gonna be,
tomorrow's gonna be

Tomorrow's gonna be
another day, yay, yay

Hey, hey, hey, hey

They tell me there's a lotta fish
Swimming in the deep blue sea

I'm gonna catch me a pretty one
And she'll be good to me

But that's okay

Tomorrow's gonna be another day
Hey, hey, hey

And I don't care what you say

Tomorrow's gonna be,
tomorrow's gonna be

Tomorrow's gonna be
another day, yay, yay

Hey, hey, hey, hey
I'm on my way

Hey, hey, hey, hey
Hey, hey, hey, hey

Hey, hey, hey, hey

[Music]

Well, I ain't gonna think about ya
'Cause it ain't no use no more

I'm gonna make it fine without ya
Just like I did before

I'm on my way

Tomorrow's gonna be another day
Hey, hey, hey

And I don't care what you say

Tomorrow's gonna be,
tomorrow's gonna be

Tomorrow's gonna be
another day, yay, yay

Hey, hey, hey, hey
Hey, hey, hey, hey

Another day
Hey, hey, hey, hey

Onses, twoses, threeses, oh.

George, when do you think the
real Big Man is gonna come?

The real Big Man ought
to be here any minute.

We ought to keep an eye
out for him. Come on!

The shovel!

So what.
We don't have a sand box.

Hey Lenny! Hey Lenny,
can we see you a minute?

If we get the shovel,
we can dig our way out of here.

Yeah, what do ya want?

Well, what kind of jail is this anyway?
There's no exercise period.

Monkees: Boo!

You want exercise before
you get bumped off?

Well you just jump up and down,
up and down right there in your cell?

No, hey, we want
to play baseball.

I ain't got no bat.
Now don't bother me.

We could use a shovel.

Well, how, how could you
play ball in a cell?

Well, we'll bunt a lot.

Oh, yeah, great, thanks a lot!

Thanks Lenny.

Hey, can we use your ball?

- Yeah, but don't you lose it.
- Oh no, I won't lose it.

- Okay.
- Hey, we won't. Don't worry. Thanks Lenny.

I thought we were
gonna play baseball?

First we'll escape,
then we'll play baseball.

We'll have to cover up the sound
of our digging, or so they'll hear us.

Well, we could play.

[Music]

No heartaches felt no longer lonely

Nights of waiting finally won me
Happiness that's all rolled up in you

And now with you as inspiration
I look toward a destination

Sunny bright that once before was blue

I have no more than I did before

But now I've got all that I need

For I love you and I know you love me

So take my hand I'll start my journey
Free from all the helpless worry

That besets a man when he's alone

For strength is mine when we're

together And with you I know I'll never

Have to pass the high road for the low

I have no more than I did before

But now I've got all that I need

For I love you and
I know you love me

Play magic fingers!

Yee-haw!

Oh, pick it, Luther!

I have no more than I did before

But now I've got all that I need

For I love you and

I know you love me

Yes, I love you and I know you love me

Hey guys, the cell next
door is much nicer.

We've got to find another way to escape.

How'd they get that shovel?

They only wanted to play ball.

Gimme that.

You guys will be using this
shovel to dig your own graves.

Who was that?

The Big Man!

Alright punks, where's the loot?

Come on lady, the PTA
meeting is down the block.

You gotta be George.
You got a big mouth.

That's right. Who are you?

Well, I ain't the welcome wagon.

You ain't the Big Man?

Nah, I'm the big woman.

The Big Man's wife.

Then, where's your husband?

He got too big.
Now I'm the Big Man.

I don't believe her Lenny
anymore than these kids.

I think you gotta be a mother.

Hey!

Don't ever call me that.

Oh you.

[Monkees cheering]

What is this, a Boy Scout camp?

Get rid of them.

You heard the big man.
Go ahead, knock 'em off,

quick before they start singing again.

Singing?

Yeah, they were singing before.

Oh yeah, hey you boys singers?
You ever work professionally?

Yes ma'am, we're a group.
We're the Monkees.

Ah chimp...

No, say you sound like
you know show business.

Show business?

Sonny, 30 years ago the name Bessie Kowalski
brought a throb to millions of hearts.

Ah, I bet you had a lot of heart Bessie.

Thank you sonny.
Your a nice sensitive boy.

Lenny?

Yeah?

Take 'em out and sh**t 'em.

Wait a minute. As one
singing act to another,

maybe you'll give us one last request.

I don't do requests.

Lenny.

In just a little while, we'll be far
away in the palladium up in the sky,

...but before we go we'd
like to do just one more encore.

Sure sonny, I know how it is.

Once a trooper, always a trooper.

Lenny, let them do their
number, then sh**t 'em.

We'd be honoured if you
do the number with us.

♪ Everybody loves my baby,
but my baby don't love nobody but me ♪

♪ Nobody but me ♪

Well that's okay, Bessie, uh, well uh,
try something a little more up.

Oh, good idea, good idea.

♪ Hi neighbor, hi neighbor,
what do ya know and what do ya say? ♪

♪ Hi neighbor, hi neighbor,
throw all your troubles away ♪

♪ Come on and... ♪

There's a telephone over there.
Go use it.

♪ It makes you feel so grand,
you've got your chin up your chest ♪

[Phone ringing]

Hello?

We're being held
prisoner in a ghost town.

Me cannot help. Me primitive Indian chief.
Know nothing about white man's problems.

Well, you've gotta help.

Wait a minute. Other phone ringing.
Me put you on hold.

Hello? Hello?

Come on. You listen with the rest of us.

Oh hello.

♪ ...get you chin off your chest.
I shout, hi neighbor, hi neighbor ♪

♪ Time to play and say hi ♪

Okay Lenny, now let's rub 'em out.

Wait a minute Bessie. Do you
know you can get the chair for this?

No, I don't think
I remember that one.

But let's do "Everybody Loves
My Baby" again. That's a good one.

Come on.

♪ Everybody loves my baby,
but my baby don't love nobody but me ♪

You know George, I think
I'm falling in love...

...with the Big Man.

[Singing]

You know how she bumped off Mr. Big?

She sang him to death.

♪ Nobody but me ♪

Uh, look, I hate to tell you this

- You want me to use the phone again.
- Right.

♪ ...loves no one but me,
it's plain to see ♪

[Phone ringing]

Hello, this is Chester.

This is Davy Jones.
We've got a serious problem.

Problem huh?
I better get Mr. Dylan.

Marshall Dylan?

No, Bob Dylan. He can write a
song about your problems.

Oh, hello?

Hello?

- Oh, hello. I was trying to get an agent.
- ♪ Everybody wants my... ♪

♪...baby, but my baby don't want
nobody but me, that's plain to see ♪

Okay fellas, the recital's over.

Oh, wait a minute Bessie,
you're doing beautiful.

Uh, you are, uh, look, we do
things different nowadays. You see?

And uh, uh, try this, you can do this.

Hey, I can do this. Hit it.

♪ Hey, hey we're the Monkees,
and people say we monkey around ♪

♪ But we're too busy
singing to put anybody down ♪

Hey, come on you mugs, join in.

Ah, come on.

Come on Lenny.
Come on up and play with us.

Come on.

Alright.

Come on man. Here you are Lenny.
Try these.

Here you are, here, here.

Well, uh.

Ya, you got the g*n. Use it.

Don't sh**t!

Keep singing Bessie. Keep singing.

♪ Hey, hey we're the Monkees,
and people say we monkey around ♪

Don't sh**t. You're
gonna hit the Big Man.

♪ We're too busy singing
to put anybody down ♪

[Multiple g*n shots]

Hey, we shouldn't be here
behind the bar. We're too young.

So go out there.

[g*n shots]

That's what I said.
We're fine right where we are.

[Multiple g*n shots]

Very, very good.
Now knock the rest of

the bottles off the wall
and win a rare Kewpie doll.

[Multiple g*n shots]

♪ We're too busy singing to... ♪

[Multiple g*n shots]

[Cannons firing]

[Multiple g*n shots]

Now this is the moment when
the cavalry usually rides up.

Don't trust the cavalry.

[Multiple g*n shots]

Can't hit us from here.
We'll just wait 'em out.

[g*n shots]

Hey, doesn't that g*n
ever run out of wads.

Hey, it can't
we're the good guys.

[g*n shots]

I guess we're not
so good after all.

[g*n shot]

I've never seen sh**ting
like that in my life.

He's good George.

We give up. Don't sh**t.

Alright Spider,
give 'em your famous line.

You guys ain't...

[Whisping] Going nowhere.

You guys ain't going nowhere.

You wouldn't do this
to Barbra Steisand.

You boys performed a
real public service.

Right, they brought me out of retirement.

Hey, you'll be glad to
know while we in stir,

the boys and I are gonna
work up a new act.

Monkees: Alright.

Hey, hey, what do you think
of the name "Bessie and the b*ll*ts"?

Bessie and the b*ll*ts.

Yeah.

Let's go.

- Bye
- Bye-bye

- Fellows!
- Yeah?

You'll be happy to know there's a
reward for the capture of this crowd.

- Take this ticket to the police station.
- Oh well gee, thanks.

Yeah, we can use the money.

Bye-bye.

Hey, is that your car?

Yeah, isn't she a beauty?

Well boys, she's in a no parking zone.

- What?
- No parking zone?

You crossed against the lights.

One more thing. Performing
in a cabaret without a license.

There's no cabaret.
This is a ghost town man.

Well then, well I guess that'll
about take care of it.

Well, that's show business.

Hey Mike, shows over.
What are ya doing babe?

Putting a name on the
back of the chair.

What is it?

Lauren St. David is the name.

Why? Why are you putting a name on...

- Lauren St. David?
- Yeah.

Uh, I don't want anybody
to recognise me.

[Laughter]

What is this? Somebody please.

- Sir?
- Speak out.

Mr. Cameraman?

- Half net.
- Half net. Everybody, this is a half net.

- This here...
- This is a blue gel.

- Now this is a messed up double...
- Davy, Davy, wait a minute.

If you saw that thing and
didn't know what it was,

what would you guess it was?

In my opinion, I'd say that was a K.

I just did it.

No, you got it the wrong way around.
It's the electronic symbol for a transistor.

Or if you put it that way...

Hey Mike, there's a whole bunch
of them at your feet. What are they?

- This here?
- Yeah.

Uh, they're a deck of cards in disguise.

- A what?
- A deck of cards in disguise.

Peter: Alright. Do a card trick Mike.
Do a card trick.

You want me to do a card trick?

Micky: Do a card trick.

Uh, I've got the shuffle
the cards first.

Didn't see that, did ya?

Pick a card, any card.

- Any card? Just any card?
- Any card.

They're not real cards though.

- Shs.
- Cool it Davy.

- Okay, did you look at it?
- Yup.

It's the, um, king of spades.

How did you know?

- Come on.
- Come on. How did you know?

It's the only one missing.

Oh, I don't believe it.

Goodnight fellas.

Davy: Goodnight.