01x03 - Monkee vs. Machine

[bunniefuu]

[Phone ringing]

Hello?

Oh, oh yes sir, the rent.
Well we...hello?

The landlord.

Plaster's falling down. Plumbing don't work.

We're two days late on the rent
and he calls up and growls at us.

Hey man, there's loads of jobs here.
We can get work. Listen to this.

Wanted, Keeper at city zoo, at
prime meal time at the lion's cage.

If the lion likes you, the job's yours.

Hey, here's one.
Says must have your own bicycle.

Um, boy to deliver pianos.

Deliver pianos?

A toy factory.
Needs unskilled help, a non essential

job requiring no training and no experience.

Hey Peter, you don't have any training
and you sure don't have any experience.

You're the only one qualified.

Probably the only one in the
city with those qualifications.

At least anyone that can read the ad.

Just think of it. They put an
ad in the paper to reach me.

That's right.

Why didn't they phone?

Never mind. What difference does it make?
Listen, you gotta go and get that job.

For the old team boy. Up we go.

All you gotta do is stay very cool
and remember these three little words.

Don't argue.

That's two words.

You're starting already.

I have an appointment with
the personnel director.

Of course.
Right this way.

Where is he?

You're looking at him.

Take a seat please.

Here we come, walkin'
Down the street

We get the funniest looks from
Ev'ry one we meet

Hey, hey, we're the Monkees
And people say we monkey around

But we're too busy singing
To put anybody down

We're just tryin' to be friendly
Come and watch us sing and play

We're the young generation
And we've got something to say

Hey, hey, we're the Monkees
You never know where we'll be found

So you better get ready

We may be comin' to your town

Take a seat please

To preclude the variable factor
inherent in the human equation,

...we have instituted this
new electronic personnel

procedure requiring your name please.

What?

Thank you. Last name, What.
And your first name Mr. What?

It's not What.

Not What.
Mr. Notwhat What?

Wait a minute. That's not my
name at all. My name is...

Occupation?

Peter. You dig? Pete.

You dig Pete.
Occupation, Pete digger.

And your mother's maiden name?

Thompson.

Mother's name, Thompson.
Sex please.

Female, of course.

Alright. Mrs. Not What.

No, my mother is female.

What do you do in your
spare time, Mrs. Not What?

Listen, I'm a man!

in your spare time, you are a man.

No, no, that's not it at all. First of all,
you've got my name wrong.

Correction. Name misspelled.
Please give correct letter.

Well, I...

Correct letter is I.
Name is not Not What, but Nit Whit.

Oh brother.

Brother is also a nitwit.

Now, just a minute.

That will do nitwit.
Test complete. Interview ended.

Application rejected
[Bell tone]

Give me a chance.

I'm sorry.
You're rejected.

Why do I have to talk to a machine?

Why couldn't I talk to a human being?

Because nitwit.
A machine avoids the human error,

the human error, the human error.

No experience and no training necessary,
and I couldn't even get that job.

That machine was ten
times smarter than me.

Look man, that's okay.

Besides, you got something
that the machine don't have.

You got friends.

Hey, you got some friends Pete?
Bring 'em over some day.

Tell me exactly what happened to you.

The machine put you down, right?
And so you started getting flustered.

Oh wow.

Okay, tell me step by step
by step what happened.

Well, I was in this room
alone with this machine,

and then the machine started
asking me questions like...

What is your name?

Nesmith, what's yours?

What?

Thank you Mr. What.
What's your first name?

It's not What.

Mr. Notwhat What.

And what is your occupation?

I am not Notwhat.
I am computer DJ 61.

Oh, you're a DJ. Look, I bet you've
got a great record collection.

Tell me about your mother and father.

My mother was a
duplicating machine.

Sex?

Oh, I bet you're a real swinger
when you're turned on.

Dirty old man.

Wait, I am not programmed
for these questions.

Oh, you want a different program.
Like oh, here, um...

What's going on in here? Ah.

What happened DJ 61?

Stop it! Stop that!

Nasty, nasty!

Tell me about it.
Speak to me. Speak to me.

IQ 198.

Incredible. Never registered this high
before. My boy, you're a genius!

You confounded the most intricate
machine in America. Do you realise that?

Marvelous. I want you
to meet our President.

Good morning Mr. President.

Uh, I just wanna say
that I fully support your

w*r on poverty,
and I hope you continue...

Nesmith, this is our company President
J.B. Guggins, son of our late founder.

Good morning Nesmith.

I'm always happy to meet young blood.

Just remember one thing. The man, uh,
who goes farthest in this company...

is the man who is, uh, capable
of making, uh, uh, decisions.

I will be happy to
consider your application.

No, no, J.B., I think he
should start immediately.

I think he should start immediately.

I thought he might work
as a personal assistant.

Good, I need a personal assistant.
I'm terribly overworked.

No, I meant as my personal assistant.

He should be your
personal assistant!

I never do anything
around here anyhow.

I just play with the toys and
look at the frogs and stuff.

Uh, J.B.

Oh yes, anything, what?

I thought I'd show him around.

Uh, oh yeah, oh right,
uh, show him around!

Extraordinary.

J.B. inherited the
firm from his father.

No ambition. No leadership.

Look at this.
Wonderful, wonderful.

Alright. Hang on.
Steady big fella.

Alright machines, can I
have your attention please.

I'd like you to meet Mr. Nesmith.

Uh, that's, uh, Harold there.

And this is Irving other here.

Needless lights, marvelous slides,
and a torsion air wheel.

Over here is Tulipe.
Tulipe, Mr. Nesmith.

Uh, don't do that.

This is modern toy making my boy.

- Excuse me Mr...
- Not now Harper.

But this will only take a minute.

Harper used to design all our toys.
Totally useless.

I'd fire him like that,
but J.B. promised him a job for life.

What are ya gonna do?

Oh wow, you're all heart.

Hi Harper.

It's this new toy I have developed.
You see sir, it can assume any shape.

Now it's a spiral and now a curve.

You can turn it into anything
but money, eh Harper?

But it's a ...

Let me make one thing
perfectly clear Harper.

Henceforth all toys in this company
will be designed by computer.

Is that perfectly clear?

No others will be considered.

But I don't understand.
I gave my whole life to my toys.

Your toys are a part
of yesterday Harper.

And, uh, so are you.

Mister, you give your whole life
for a company and then they,

they just toss you aside.

Look uh, I'm sorry.

Hey man, be happy.
You got the job.

Oh yeah, I got the job alright.

I'm also part of the new blood.

Screw it.
We pay the rent.

Besides, what better place
to work that a toy factory.

Yeah, play with the kids and all.

[Music]

Monday had a sad child
Always feeling low down

Tuesday had a dream child
She's always on the go

So I'm in love with Saturday's child
Every time you take her out at night

You want to kiss,
hold her way up tight

You can tell the future's
looking bright

[Music]

If you love a Wednesday
You live your life apart now

And if you love a Thursday
She's gonna break your heart

So I'm in love with Saturday's child
Every time you hold her close you'll see

You can feel the thrill
that's gonna be

Now the future has a guarantee

Seven days of the week made to choose from
But only one is right for me

I know that Saturday's
got what it takes, babe

I can tell by the way
she looks at me

[Music]

Friday likes the good life
She'll take you for a ride now

And Sunday makes a good wife
She wants to be your bride

So I'm in love with Saturday's child
Every time you take her out at night

You want to kiss,
hold her way up tight

You can tell the future's
looking bright

Saturday's child

Micky:
You're still bugged, huh babe?

Look, we gotta think of a plan to
help Pop Harper keep his job.

It should be child's play.

Child's play!

That's right.
Daggard is having a panel of little

kids come in tomorrow to
test all the toys.

So?

Sooo.

You got it babe.

Alright, repeat after me.

Goo, goo, ga, ga.
Goo, goo, ga, ga.

All: Goo, goo, ga, ga.

The runts are late.

Hi, good morning Jamie.

Good morning. The tests are
due to start any moment now.

Well, I think I'll just watch
from right over here.

No, no, I think you should
watch from behind the panel.

Sir, you've got a chair on you.

I think you should watch
from behind the panel.

I think, uh, I should watch
from inside the panel.

Alright. Follow this way.

Now then, uh, Nesmith?
Here they come. You know what to do.

You can sit there. Sit down.
And you sit right over there behind him.

Alright Nesmith.
Are all here now?

Um, no sir, there is
suppose to be one more.

Oh, here they are.

No, pardon me madam.

We're only accepting children between
the ages of eight and eleven.

He is between the ages of eight
and eleven. He's thirteen.

Ow!

Spirited child.

Alright mothers.
All the mothers outside.

Mothers out. Here we go.
No, no, no.

Over here.
Come over here.

Wonderful boy.

Alright Jimmy, now then.

These tests will demonstrate
the attention span of the toy,

...how well they hold a child's attention.

Alright, let's play the game.

Let's see how well you score.
Come on, play.

No son, uh, pardon me.

Stay right there.

Uh, hello. Here, that's an educational toy.
You can k*ll, here.

Here, don't do that.

Gimmie that yo-yo.

[Kids yelling]

What's going on out there?

Out where? Oh!

[Kids yelling]

Now this afternoon J.B., we're going to
demonstrate the durability of our new toys.

Are they all here Nesmith?

Oh yes sir.
They're just coming in now.

All right, let's go.

Did you, uh, get rid of the
one with the yo-yo?

Oh yes sir, this is a replacement here.

This looks like an improvement.

Not that much of an...
Alright, right over here.

Alright lad, sit right down there.

Wonderful.

Alright. Let's start the test here.

Here we have a dear little four twenty
blackbirds baked in a plastic pie toy.

Wonderful.

See how nice that works blackbird wise?

This toy cannot be bruised, bashed, broken,
or scratched in any form. Wonderful.

Now, let's all play with our pies.
Play with the pies.

Give it a little crank.
That's a good lad.

Is that wonderful?

Come on, alright. Let's just stop all this
playing around now and play with the pie.

Perfect. Wonderful.

Isn't that fun?
Funsies, fun time.

La-la-la-la-la wonderful.

[expl*si*n]

Don't do that.
Oh my heart.

My mommy won't let me play with toys
that burn or bash or scratch or go boom.

Alright.

Let's begin the assembly test now.

Wait a minute,
what about this boy here.

Ouch!

Nesmith.

I think I'll watch from
the control room.

There, well, now we'll, uh,
set the timer here and see

how long it takes the little
rascals to assemble the toy.

Alright, this is very simple.
You gotta put A in slot B

and C in slot C and you make a bridge okay?

Everybody go to it now, quick.

[Chatter]

Hey, no you can put the slots in,
they go in like this and then they twist,

and it goes in this way and
then you turn around...

No!

Is it alright if we force it?

No forcing it's out.

Hey, that's mine!

No, it doesn't.
It doesn't go in...

No, they're mine.
Come on. Gimmie those!

These are computer toys!

[Kids yelling]

The machines are planned
for these, uh, results actually.

- Planned?
- Oh yeah.

What happens when a toy
won't hold a child's interest?

Oh, the parents go out
and buy 'em a new one?

Right.

And what happens when a toy
won't assemble or is destroyed?

Well, they, they buy another one.

Right!
It's planned obsolescence Guggins.

Trying to triple our sales.

Well, uh, that's pretty good.

Pretty good? It's marvelous!

It's marvelous!

Wait a minute.
Excuse me.

Listen Mr. Guggins, I think you've forgotten
a very important part of toy building...

...and that's the fact that you
need to build in some happiness.

And after all, happiness is
a very important product.

I'm wanna show you a toy.

Come on.

You see sir. You twist in
any which way and uh...

Wait a minute. I think I smell
a small, furry rodent.

Excuse me madam.
Pardon me madam. Madam?

Oh! I never speak to strangers.

My husband's insanely jealous.
Come on junior. We have to go now.

I believe I've seen your
son somewhere before.

Oh no, no, impossible. No, he's never
permitted to cross the street.

Well, he looks rather mature for ten.

No, no, no. Actually, he's just a
little infant, yes, I have to help

him with his reading every
morning before he goes to school.

I read to him.
Come on.

While I'm shaving.

What? Huh?
Fraud! Conspiracy!

Come on sonny.
Come on home.

What is going on here?

I'll tell you what's going on here
mister, a vast conspiracy!

[Screaming]

Terribly sorry madam.

By George, anyone who wants to fire you
is gonna have to talk to me first.

I want him fired.

I'm glad you talked to me first.

Alright you're fired.
All of you now, out.

Don't worry.
It's just no good. Get rid of it.

Well now, wait a minute.
It's a nice toy.

Please, please, I don't
want to see it again.

Just get rid of it.

This thing has really been a drag.

Hey Davy?

Let me see the paper.
I want to look at the want ads.

Hey Pop, how many of these
things did you make?

Uh, uh, just one.

Well, where did this one come from?
I just threw one out the door.

Hey, I threw one out too.

Well, that means that the
thing come back by itself.

A toy you can't throw away.

It's useless.
Totally useless.

It's useless huh? Well alright,
then you get rid of it if it's useless.

You bet I'll get rid of it.

And it comes back.

I think they may have something there.

And I say they don't.

And I say they may have something there!

Think of it Mr. Guggins.
You can sell a million of these things,

then you've got a million happy kids.

Sure, happiness.

Yes, happiness,
but you are not that concerned

about happiness,
are you Mr. Daggard?

You tell 'em Pop.

Daggard, you're through.

Through? You think you can stand
before the march of the machine?

You? An indecisive jellyfish?

You'll change your mind.

No, I won't.

Bah, humbug.

Harper?

Yes sir?

I'm going to appoint you the
General Manager of the company.

Yes sir!

Now, we've got to get to work on this,
uh, this wonkle,

this vicky, this, uh,
gotta think of a name of it.

Nesmith.

I don't know.

It's chilly in here.

I guess we could call it a monkeerang.

I mean it always comes back.

Catch it Pete.

Micky: So where did
you get the machine?

Mike: Well, uh, Mr. Guggins gave it to me
to help me straighten out our careers.

Peter: What's to straighten out.
We're musicians.

Mike: Oh well, I mean, that's cool.

Except, uh,
I figured we ought to get a little extra

money to pay the rent,
and so I got the machine here.

DJ 69 believe the Monkees
should seek employment as...

Take the last train to Clarksville
And I'll meet you at the station

You can be here by four thirty
'Cause I made your reservation

Don't be slow, oh, no, no, no!
Oh, no, no, no!

'Cause I'm leavin' in the morning
And I must see you again

We'll have one more night together
'Til the morning brings my train

And I must go, oh, no, no, no!
Oh, no, no, no!

And I don't know if I'm ever coming home

Take the last train to Clarksville
I'll be waiting at the station

We'll have time for coffee flavored kisses
And a bit of conversation

Oh... Oh, no, no, no!
Oh, no, no, no!

[Music]

Take the last train to Clarksville
Now I must hang up the phone

I can't hear you in this noisy
Railroad station all alone

I'm feelin' low, oh, no, no, no!

Oh, no, no, no!

And I don't know if I'm
ever coming home

[Music]

Take the last train to Clarksville
And I'll meet you at the station

You can be here by four thirty
'Cause I made your reservation

And don't be slow,
oh, no, no, no!

Oh, no, no, no!

And I don't know if
I'm ever coming home

Take the last train to Clarksville