03x15 - Shirley's Fired

[bunniefuu]

Here's some more coffee,
shirley.

Oh, dee,
everything is delicious.
Thanks, girl.

Don't thank me, shirley.

It was my pleasure
to get up early,

Stagger around in the dark,
bumping into things

To fix you breakfast.

I enjoyed it.

Well, I'm glad.

I mean, who deserves it
more than you?

Who else is
so considerate,

Thoughtful, loving...

Dee.

...warm, friendly, pleasant.

Ok, dee.
How much you need?

$3.

Well, I'm sorry, baby.
But, I'm practically broke.

See, uh, matter of fact
I was, uh, working myself up

To go down and ask rob
for a raise at the soda shop.

But it's an emergency.

I've got to have $3
for school.

Mmm-hmm. What for?

For my biology equipment.

If I don't come up
with the deposit,

I'll be the only one
in the class

Trying to dissect
a frog with a pencil.

[Clearing throat]

Ok.

I'll lend you the money.

Thanks, shirley.
I'll be your friend for life.

Tell you what,

When we're done with the frog,
I'll bring it home to you.

No, don't bring me no frogs.

Now, just leave me alone

'Cause I'm--i'm
nervous enough.

I just gotta figure out
how I'm gonna ask rob
for that raise.

I just...

[Grunting]

You should be
getting paid more.

You deserve time and a half
just for serving rerun.

You're right.

You know, after all,
I haven't had a raise
in about what? 3 Years.

But, uh, I don't know,

You know,
rob's awful tight
with the buck.

Oh, is he tight.

Calm down.

I don't know why
you're so nervous.

Nervous? Me?

I'm not nervous. I mean,
he gives me that raise,

Or else he's gonna have
one more lump
in his gravy: him.

I'm not nervous now.

Rob, sit down.

Now listen to this.

I do the work
of 2 people around here,

Therefore I think
I should get paid for 2.

Mmm-mmm. More money
or I am walkin'.

Get up off your...
Get up off of your knees.

Please, whining!

Oh, ok, start talking.

But I want that raise
or I am gone.

And listen,
it better be
a big one

Or else you're gonna
lose me, tight bucks.

No, no, did you
hear what I said?

No, this is it!

Good morning, shirley.

Uh, good morning, rob.

Were you talkin'
to someone?

Oh, just to the dog.

I didn't see any dog.

And that's why
you didn't hear an answer.

[Laughing]

Shirley, I have someone
I want you to meet.

Yeah.

Liz, this is shirley,

The best waitress
in the world.

Shirley, this is liz.

Hello.

Hi.

[Clearing throat]

Uh, rob, could I speak to you
for a moment, please?

I guess not.

Uh, rob?

Can I speak to you
for a moment?
Sure.

Honey, where's
the ladies' room?

Uh, right over there
near the jukebox.

Careful, it's kind of cold
in the morning.

Isn't she a looker?

Yeah, a real fox.

Uh, um, rob,

I wanna talk to you
about somethin',

And I'm just gonna
spit it right out
while I'm hot.

Now, I do the work
of 2 people around here,
but I get paid for one.

And I don't think
that's right.

I couldn't agree
with you more.

Oh, you don't have to
argue with me now.
My mind is made up.

Uh, what'd you say?

I said I agreed with you.
And I'm gonna do
something about it.

You are?
You're gonna give me a--

Just what you want.

Oh, that's terrific.
Help.

Help?
Right.

I'm hiring liz as
an extra waitress
to help you.

No, no, wait a minute.

See, I don't want help.
I want a raise.

A raise?

See, there's only enough work
for one waitress around here.

I know I said
it was enough for 2,

But that's when I wanted
twice the pay,
not half the tips.

But liz'll be a big help.
You'll see.

No, no, see, I can handle
all the work around here.

See here, rob?

Now as for another waitress,

You know, I see no reason
for another waitress.

How do I look?

Oh, I see the reason.

How come I have
nothin' like that?

Shirley!

"Shirley!"

Shirley, could you
mop that up, honey?

"Shirley, mop this up."

"Shirley, give liz a hand."

"Shirley, help liz
pick up the dishes she broke."

"Shirley!"

Are you all ready to order?

Uh, not now, shirley,

Uh, we're waiting on liz.

All right.

[Glass shattering]

[Liz]
shirley!

Oh, not again.

Shirley,

Could you give me a hand
over here, please, honey?

I've got so many customers,
I haven't got time.

Could you
clean this up, please?

[Squealing]

Are you ready to order?

Well, we certainly are,
my dear.

My friend here
would like the special.

And I'd like a cheeseburger,
a shake and a kiss like.

What's a kiss like?

Come closer, baby,
and I'll show you.

Fresh.

Shirley, girl,
you doin' a good job.

[Grunting]

Hey, what's happenin',
shirley?

Hey, hey, hey,
shirley.

Hey, uh,
what's with the mop?

Oh, I'm just cleaning up
after princess grace.

You mean the
new waitress?

[Shirley]
yeah.

Yeah, we haven't
seen her yet.

I hear she's terrific.
Mmm-hmm.

Yeah. They say
she's got all the men

Eating out of her hands.

They have to.
She done broke
all the dishes.

Well, where is she?

[Glass shattering]

Sounds like
she's in the kitchen.

[Liz]
shirley!

Well, she'll just have to
clean up her own mess.

I mean, I'm tired
of following behind her,

Moppin' up, pickin' up,
and cleanin' up!

But that doesn't
make sense, shirley.

If you have another waitress
you should have less work
not more work.

Yeah, doesn't rob see
what's going on?

Rob? Ha, ha.

She's got him
ust like every man
that walks in here.

Not every man, shirley.

No, she hasn't got us.

That's right.
We're your friends.
We'll do somethin' about it.

Well, we'll talk to her
and tell her
to get herself straight.

[Dwayne]
yeah, yeah.
Right.

And then we'll talk to rob.

Mmm-hmm. And we'll tell him
we're his best customers

And he better see that
shirley's treated right,
or we'll quit coming here.

Mmm-hmm.
Yeah.

Thanks, guys.

Ooh, wow-wee.

[Both]
oh, wow-wee.

Oh, you guys
just as bad as rob.

She doesn't look
clumsy to me.

That's gotta be a record,

Old butterfeet
made it to the table.

Shirley, are you sure
you're not exaggerating?

You know, you shouldn't
prejudge people, shirley.

You know what
they say in america:

Every girl is innocent
until she goes out with me.

[Glass shattering]

Shirley!

So she dropped one tray.

One tray?

[Liz]
shirley!

Liz is calling you, shirley.

Do you think I'm deaf?
I hear her.

"Shirley! Shirley!"

Shirley, honey,

Could you clean
this mess up kind of quick?

These people
won't give me a break.

Oh, and, honey,
there's a half a waffle

Under that table.

Get up!

Uh, excuse me, shirley.

What? What?

Here's a dollar.

Oh, thanks.

Yeah, give that
to liz for me.

Give it to her yourself,
turkey!

Oh, liz,
for you, my dear.

Oh, shirley,
I'm sorry.

This is it!

No, you stay away from me!

This is...
You, get away from me, girl!

What did I tell you?

Rob, come out here!

You better get away from me.

Rob, come out here now!

What's the problem?

Look at me.
I'm a mess.

Only compared to liz.
Otherwise you ok, honey.

I am definitely
not ok, honey!

I have had it
with your precious liz!

I am tired of her
dropping things.

I am tired of going behind
her picking up!

I am tired of--

[Grunting]

Period!

I'm sorry, shirley.

You stay out of this, liz.

Yeah, why don't you
go spill somethin'?

Now, listen to this.

Either she goes, or I go!

Shirley, i, uh...

You can't make up your mind?

Hey, well,
I'll make it up for you.

You hear this?
I quit!

Now wait a minute.
You can't quit.

What, what?

You're fired!

[Shirley]
ok!

[Shirley moaning]

Boy, in all these ads,

We should be able
to find some job for shirley.

Hey, how 'bout this one?

"Engineers:

"Earn top salaries

"In the electronic
computer industry.

Health plan
and paid vacations."

Hey, that sounds great.

Dwayne, shirley's a waitress.

She doesn't know anything
about the computer industry.

Yeah, but nobody'd
have to know if she went

On the paid vacations
right away.

Dwayne, your head
is on vacation.

Any luck, shirley?

Yeah, did you get
that waitress job
in hollywood?

No.

Why not?

You were qualified,
according to the paper.

Yeah, but the paper
didn't mention
that the job was

[Whispering]
...topless.

Hey, well, look,
what do you say

We'll all go down
for a bite to eat,

My treat.

[Dwayne, rerun, shirley]
all right!

Sorry, I have to
hang around here
and finish my homework.

But you go, shirley.

Nah.

Oh, now come on, shirley.

Don't let it get you down.

Hey, a good meal'll
take your mind off rob's.

Yeah, you're right.

If there's one thing
I don't associate with rob's,
it's a good meal.

All right!

Shirley, you come with us,

Forget about things
for tonight

And, you'll see,
tomorrow you'll get
a real good job.

You got yourself a deal.

But I got to stop by rob's
just one last time
to pick up my check.

But first we'll
have a feast

At rickshaw dan's
soul food stand.

Hey.
All right!

All right.
Chinese soul food.

Hey, when we get there

Maybe we'll order
the family dinner for 6.

But there's only 4 of us.

Right.

Later, dee.

"Topless."

Hi, sweetheart.

Hi, honey. Oh.

Is everything
ready to go?

Do I ever miss?

Everything is
just as you planned it.

You're the greatest.
I got all the money for you.

Here's the money.

Is everything ready
on your end?

Hey, trust me.

And wait'll you see
the setup in las vegas:

It's perfect.

[Chuckling]

You're the greatest.

I'll meet you
at the plane at 10:00.

Right on.

I can hardly wait.

Until tonight, baby.

[Liz]
all right.

Hm-hm-hmm.

I knew it!
I tell you, I knew it.

I mean, I knew
there was something
about that girl,

But I just couldn't
put my finger on it.

What girl?

Did you see that fancy dude
who she gave the money to?

What money?

The money wasn't
all she gave him.

Did you see that hug
and that kiss?

What hug? What kiss?

I can tell you,
she was using him.

Who was using who
for what?

Man, if I knew
the chinese restaurant

Was that excitin',
I would've gone
with y'all.

Dee, this is serious.

We saw liz stealing
from rob's cash register.

Now wait a minute.

Now let's not
jump to conclusions.

Maybe--
maybe liz had a reason.

Sure she had a reason.

So did bonnie and clyde.

I think she just
settin' him up.

You know,
that klutz of the year routine
was just a front.

I bet she even has
a police record.

Really?
You think she's wanted?

Are you kidding?

With a build like that
of course she's wanted.

Hey, we got to
do somethin' and fast.

I think we should call rob.

I think we should
call the police.

I think you should
call big earl.

A good idea, dee.

He's a detective.
He can tell us
exactly what to do.

I'll call him right now.

Poor rob.
He liked liz.

He's really
gonna be upset.

Yeah.

You know that cash register

Was the first thing
in that shop
she has ever cleaned.

You really think
she's a thief?

Positive.
I mean, we saw her.

Oh, I should've known
she was the criminal type,

'Cause her eyes were
just too close together.

Yeah, but everything else
was in place.

Rerun,

That woman could have
a prison record.

She could be
a master criminal.

Hey, she could even be
in with the mob.

Hey, if she's
a member of the mob,

That dude could've been

A hit man.

You're right.

And she was
paying him off
for a job.

Ok.

I left a message
for big earl,

And I told him
where we were
and it's an emergency.

Well it is an emergency.

That liz belongs to the mob,
and that dude was a hit man.

Man, I hope no one saw us
at the soda shop.

I learned one thing
from seeing the godfather
6 times.

The mob doesn't like
to leave witnesses.

[Shirley]
ooh.

Or leftovers.

Leftovers?

Sure.

Didn't you see the scene
in the italian restaurant?

First, the godfather
cleaned everything
off his plate,

Then everyone
off their chairs.

[Imitating machine g*n firing]

[Knocking on door]

Uh-oh, someone's at the door.

Quick! Hide my g*n!
Don't give it to me!

Shirley, did you
invite anyone?

No.

Hey look, come on,
now you're all

Getting carried away
over nothing.

Now that's nothing
to worry about.

There's no one at the door.

[Rerun]
you're right,
you're right, raj.

Liz!

Shirley, I guess
you know why I'm here.

Uh, I'm not sure.

Well, you have
something coming to you and...

And you're gonna get it.

Oh wow!
Hit the floor!

Is he ill?

It's his nerves.

Yeah, my eye nerves.
I don't see very well.

I'm a terrible witness.

I just came by
to give you your check.

Oh, thanks.

And, shirley,
I'm really sorry

About the way
things turned out.

Mmm-hmm.
I gotta go now.

All right.

These are airline tickets.

2 To las vegas.

Oh, wrong envelope.

I'm just taking
a little trip.

I heard, I heard.

You heard what?

Oh, I herd cattle,
I herd sheep.

Herding is big business.
Haven't you heard?

Shirley, I know
your check's in here some--

...place.

I guess you're all wondering

What I'm doin'
with all this money?

Us wonder?
Of course not. Mmm-mmm.

We could care less.

In fact,
we all carry mad money.

I'll help you.
I'm mad about money.

Here's your check, shirley.

And I'm really sorry
about the way
things turned out.

We gotta keep her here
before big earl gets here.

Hey, wait a minute.
Wait a minute, liz.

You leaving so soon?
We got coffee and sandwiches.

Yeah, we got sandwiches.
What'd you want?
Baloney or knockwurst?

Uh, no, thank you.
I really gotta go.

I'll fix you a double decker.
Stay here.

Uh, maybe you'd like
some ice tea or cookies

Or-- or maybe
even a pineapple.

How would you like
a nice hot bath?

Ridiculous.

You're right.
That is ridiculous.

Rerun, start the shower!

I'm sorry,
I gotta go.

Hey, liz,
you're just in time.

My adorable little kid sister
was about to sing for us.

Weren't you,
adorable little kid sister?

What?

Sing!

♪ On the good ship lollipop

♪ It's a sweet trip
to the candy shop ♪

♪ Where bon-bons play

That's sweet,
but I got a plane to catch.

Oh, why don't you stay
just a little longer?

Make yourself comfortable.

Shirley, what are you doing?

Hey, there's a draft in here.
I better lock this door.

But, raj, if you lock the door
how's big earl gonna get in?

Uh-oh.

Big earl?
Who's big earl?

I'm gettin' out of here.

What is goin' on?

Goin' on?
Nothing.

Nothing at all.
Sing. Sing, dee.

♪ On the good ship lollipop

Hey, rerun,

Bring those sandwiches
out here!

[Rerun]
one baloney and knockwurst
coming up!

[Raj]
rerun.

Who's this big earl?

Hey I know.
You're after the money!

[All chattering]

[Knocking on door]

Big earl!

♪ On the good ship lollipop

♪ It's a sweet trip to the

Hello, big earl.

Are we glad
to see you.

[Rerun]
phew!

Big earl! Help! Police!

Hold it, lady, hold it,
hold it, hold it.

Holy toledo!

I, uh, I am the police.

Lieutenant earl barnett.

She's a thief.
Mmm-hmm.

We saw her stealing
from rob's cash register.

That's right.
And we're all witnesses
against you.

They were, they were.

Lieutenant, I didn't
steal any money.

Oh no? Then what's all
that green stuff
in your purse?

Succotash?

This is all a big
misunderstanding.

Look, I think we all
ought to go downtown.

[Shirley]
take her downtown.

I can't. I've got
a plane to catch.
Let me...

[All shouting]

[Liz screaming]

Hold it! Hold it! Hold it!

Liz, what's happening?
What's going on?

Rob, thank heaven
you're here.

These people are crazy!

They-they're trying
to arrest me.

[Dwayne]
you bet we're
gonna arrest her.

Rob, she's been
stealing from you.
She's a thief.

Yeah, she's a crook.

She's a criminal.

She's my fiancee.

[All]
what?

We're getting married.

[All]
married?

Hey, rob, lucky for you
we caught her.

Hm-hmm.

You'd be
marrying a thief, rob.

That's right.
Who wants to go to bed

With a woman
who puts cold cream
on her mask?

[Rerun]
yeah.

What are you talkin' about?

Yeah, what are you
talking about?
Do you have any evidence?

Do we?
We are loaded with it.

That's right.

We saw her stealing
from your cash register.

I know. That was
for our honeymoon expenses.

Yeah, but what about
that fancy dude

We saw her giving it to?

[Shirley]
uh-huh.

That was liz's brother, jim.

He's the best man.
He's arranging everything.

Yeah. But we heard her
talking about some plans
for las vegas.

Mmm-hmmm.
Yep. That's right.

That's right.

We do have some
pretty fancy plans
for vegas.

Starting with
"the little chapel
of born the hard way."

But, what is she doing
with all that money
in her purse.

Mmm-hmm.
All that money.

That's the night deposits
from the soda shop.

We're gonna drop 'em off
on the way to the airport.

Well, this is
another fine mess
you've gotten us into.

Me?

Shirley was the one who said
she was a master criminal.

Me?
Yeah.

Raj told me...

[All shouting]

Order. Order!
Order in the living room!

Hey, you know, look,
we're all to blame.

We all let
our imaginations
run away with us.

And, rob and liz,
we're very sorry.

You don't have to apologize.

I know you were only
trying to protect rob.

I guess maybe it was
all our fault, liz.

This whole thing
wouldn't have happened

It we hadn't tried
to keep our wedding
a secret.

You're right, rob.

Shirley,

The reason
I came is

'Cause I want you
to take your job back.

Will you?

Please?

Well, um...

Will liz be there, too?

You're safe.

From now on I break
all my dishes at home.

In that case
you got yourself a deal.

[Laughing]
all right.

Hey, uh, wait a minute.
What about shirley's raise?

Oh, well, well...

Don't give me
that "huh, huh, huh."

Give her a raise,
"huh, huh, huh."

Ok, shirley,
you got your raise.

[All cheering]
all right!

Sing, dee.

[All]
♪ on the good ship lollipop

♪ It's a sweet trip
to the candy shop ♪

♪ Where bon-bons play