03x11 - Making Out

[bunniefuu]

Shirley, we wanna order.

All right, all right.
Hey, is this to go?

Yeah, to go in my mouth.

What's on the diet plate?

Uh, cottage cheese
and peaches.

Well, slide them off

And put on a cheeseburger
and french fries.

Hey, hey, hey.

Hey!

What's happenin', raj?

What's happenin'
is the weekend is almost here

And I have a very big date
with cindy.

[Dwayne]
all right.

Oh, come on, raj,

You never get anywhere
with cindy.

The last time
you took her to the drive-in,

You couldn't even get her
to take off her seat belt.

That's past history, rerun.

I was a high school kid then.

Now I'm a college man

With a new, analytical
approach that can't fail.

What's that?

Dwayne, my man,
I have finally perfected

The thomas technique.

It makes me irresistible
to women.

The thomas technique?

That's right.

First there is the music,

Then the candlelight,

Then the wine
and the roses.

Wait a minute. Go slow.
I wanna remember this.

Go ahead.
Ok.

The wine and the roses.

Then with the mellow sounds
of barry white.

[In deep voice]
come on, baby.

Right on, right on.

[Pants]

Right on, right on.

[Pants]

I move her over
to the couch

Where we get
more comfortable.

Oh, yeah,
more comfortable.

Uh-oh.

I offer her some wine,

Dim the lights,

Propose a toast.

All right!

Perhaps a bit
of romantic poetry.

"How do I love thee,

Let me count
the ways."

Count?
Does this involve math?

Ok, then--then I turn the
conversation around to her.

I compliment her
on her shapely legs,

Her trim--

Her trim ankles,

And her small little feet.

Do you have anything
in a tan loafer?

Shirley,
this is really serious now.

Oh, excuse me.
I didn't know that.

Hey, I guarantee you,
by this time,

She'll be putty
in my hands.

Yeah, you are silly putty.

Believe me,
saturday cannot miss.

Saturday?

Raj, I have a date
with april saturday night.

April?

Yeah, april dawn.

An actress I met
while I was working

As an usher
on that new soap opera,

the young
and the thoughtless.

We're supposed
to have an intimate dinner

For 2, saturday night.

Well, you still can,
here at rob's place.

No way.

Rerun, I've got
to have the apartment.

I mean, this is it.

How can you tell
that this is it?

Rerun, where women
are concerned,

I have a 6th sense.

Oh, well, dee,
what are you doing here?

Now we're trying
to have an adult conversation.

Well, keep trying.
You're only 5 years away.

[Rerun]
look.

Oh, april, april,
I was just thinkin' about you.

Hi, rerun,
I missed you at the studio.

April, I want you
to meet some friends of mine.

This is dee and roger thomas
and dwayne nelson.

Hello.

Hello, haven't we met before?

I mean,
you look very familiar.

[Laughs]

Well, you've probably
seen me

On that pantyhose
commercial on t.v.

You know the one
with all the dancing legs.

My legs are

3Rd and 4th
from the left.

Or are they

5Th and 6th?

No.

Those are
the 3rd and the 4th.

Dwayne.

All right. You all
gonna order anything?

I played a waitress once.

It was last season on kojak.

I took telly savalas' order.

I use the method.

Oh, yeah?

Well, I use the pad
and the pencil.

Call me when you're
ready to order.

Rerun, I just dropped by
to tell you

That it will have to be
a late date saturday night.

I have a meeting
at the actors guild.

Will 10:00
be all right, rerun?

Well, ok.

Oh, good.

Well, I must
run along now.

It was very nice meeting
you all.

Ciao.

Chow?
I thought you weren't hungry.

[Laughs]

Dear child.

[Mimicking april]
dear child.

Don't you know
what ciao means?

It's a dog food, isn't it?

Oh, no, no, no.

Ciao mean goodbye
in stuck-up land.

[Laughs sarcastically]

Hey, well,
if she can't make it

To the apartment
before 10:00,

Our problems are solved.

I'll take it
from 8:00 to 10:00,
you can have it from 10:00 on.

A 2-hour date?
That's not much time, raj.

Dwayne,
with the thomas technique,

2 Hours is
more than enough time.

All right!

Saturday night
is gonna be the night

Of all nights.

Ohh!

Ohh!

Now why are you ooing?

You don't even know
what we're talking about.

Yes, I do.

You're talkin' about
makin' out in the apartment.

Ooh!

Oh, april, april, april, april

Oh.

[Knocking on door]

Oh, april, april,
april, april, april.

[Groans]

[Rerun groans]

Oh, april, april, april.

Oh, april, april.

Rerun?

Rerun?

Oh, april, april, april...

Rerun. Rerun!

Oh, oh, hi, raj.

Well, how did it go?

Oh, man, I'm all worn out.

That was some date.

Oh, april, april, april.

[Mimicking april]
oh, rerun, rerun, rerun.

[Knocking on door]

Come in, come in,
come in, come in.

Hey, hey, hey.
What's happenin'?

Excuse me if I don't get up.

My knees are still weak.

Oh, wow, oh, wow.

You know, dwayne,
I didn't do so bad either.

My lips are still numb.

Numb?

Oh, wow!
Tell--tell me everything.

Well, we kissed, we touched,

We caressed,

And then we reached
that moment of truth.

Moment of truth?

Dwayne, now you've kissed
a girl, haven't you?

Uh-huh.

And you've touched a girl,
haven't you?

Uh-huh!

And you've caressed
a girl, haven't you?

Uh-huh.

Then you must've reached
the moment of truth.

Uh-uh.

Dwayne, dwayne, dwayne.

All right, wait a minute.
You guys tell me about it,

And don't leave out
any of the details.

Dwayne, dwayne, dwayne.

A gentlemen,
a true gentleman,

A sensitive, mature man
does not discuss

The private, intimate details
of his love life.

Struck out, huh?

She was all over me
the minute she hit the door.

She was wearin'
a tight blue sweater

And a long, slinky skirt.

Oh, wow, wow!

[rerun]
the romantic atmosphere
of our apartment

got to her the second
she walked in the door.

What a dump.

What it needs is
a woman's touch.

she couldn't keep
her hands off me.

i fell for her right away.

she was impressed

with my many
showbiz connections.

Are you really
stevie wonder's 2nd cousin?

Yeah. And my 1st cousin
is richard pryor.

but she wasn't interested
in all that.

she just wanted me
for myself.

I want you
to introduce me

To stevie and richard.

We can talk
about that later.

I hate to mix
business and pleasure.

So let's get down
to business.

You're right.

I'm glad you reminded me.

I have to read tomorrow
and I need your help.

You want me to teach you
to read?

No, I'm reading for a part,

And I wanna rehearse
a few little lines.

anthony and cleopatra?

Mmm-hmm.
I play cleopatra.

This could take
all night.

Why don't we just skip lights
and camera

And go right to action?

and then it happened.

she stood up
and said those 3 words

that every man
wants to hear...

I'm going home.

And she called me
her anthony

And said she was my cleopatra.

Wow.
What does that mean?

I guess
you never read the bible.

Yeah, that's not bad, rerun,

For a first date.

Wow, raj, you mean

You had an even better time
than rerun?

Are you kidding?

Comparing me to rerun

Is like comparing
billy dee williams

To a bowl of warm jell-o.

All right, raj,
let's hear it, man.

All right.

I don't like to brag,

But the thomas technique
could be the greatest thing

For romance
since the drive-in movie.

[raj]
i immediately set
the atmosphere

with the proper lighting.

[Screams]

Turn the lights back on.
I'm afraid of the dark.

Oh.

i put on some mood music

and I held her in my arms
as we glided
across the floor.

♪[music playing]

Why do you keep lookin'
at your watch?

It's--it's just
that time is so short

And you are so beautiful.

when I offered her a rose
as a token of my affection,

she couldn't contain herself.

her reaction was expl*sive.

[Sneezes]

How could you? Move those.

I'm allergic to roses.

i poured the wine,
not just any wine,

an experience
for the palate,

an ambrosia,
an elixir of the gods.

A little granny
greenfield cranapple rose?

the wine
did something to her.

Wine makes me throw up.

Ok, ok, ok.

Cindy,

Why waste precious time?

Now I'm a man in love

And you are a woman.

And we both want
the same thing.

Marriage?

Perhaps we don't want
the same thing.

Oh, raj, when you said

You had something special
planned for tonight,

I had no idea
it would be a proposal.

Neither did i.

Oh, raj, just think.

A cozy cottage,

A fireplace,
and just the 8 of us.

8 Of us?

Well yes, dear.
I want 5 children.

That's 7.

And a maid.

That's 8.

Cindy, cindy, cindy,
I'm not ready for this.

Where are you goin'?

Not me.

But didn't you
just say you loved me?

Absolutely.

But that was moments ago

Before I realized
I was a liar.

Like I said,

It was an evening
to remember.

The thomas technique worked
to perfection.

Wow! Did you
hear that, rerun?

That may have worked
with cindy,

But april prefers
a more earthy approach.

Yeah, women like
the earthy type.

Oh.

Then why was she looking me
over in the soda shop?

Evidently she likes
intellectuals.

Yeah, women do like
the intellectual type.

Fool, you couldn't get
to first base with april.

Well, you couldn't even get
in the game with cindy.

In fact, you couldn't fit
in the stadium.

"Fit in the stadium."

Good one.

[Laughs]

Well, you could fit in,
all right,

If they needed
an extra flag pole.

A flag pole?

Rerun, I bet
I could score more points

With april
than you ever did.

And I bet I can score
more points with cindy

Than you did.

Bet.

April will throw
herself at me.

And cindy will throw
herself at me.

I wish somebody
would throw themselves at me.

I'm so lonely.

Ah, the thomas technique.

Let me see if I have it now.

Wine.

Candlelight.

Roses, roses, roses.

Rose.

And some mood music.
Yes, right, music, music.

[Knocking on door]

Hi, cindy, come on in.

Hello, rerun.

Wow. I'm so glad we have
some time together.

I wanna get know you
and I wanna hear
all about you.

Well, there really
isn't much to tell.

I go to l.a.c.c.

And I'm studying
political science.

Oh, I'm really
into politics.

Tell me, what do you think
of burt vance?

That's lance.

Lance vance?

No, burt lance

Or cyrus vance.

Then who is
lance vance?

No one. No one, rerun,
is lance vance.

Poor, poor lance vance.

Oh, rerun, you're so funny.

Raj told me all about you.

Lies! All lies!

It was all good.

Oh, that's good old
honest raj for you.

That's what we call him
around here.

You know,
he never tells a lie.

Hey, uh, and now
for some wine.

Not just any wine,

But an experience
for the palate,

An elixir of the gods,

An ambrosia,

And it's a
real good drink too.

One man,
one country.

Your wine, my wine.

May i?

It's a twist cap.

Well, ordinarily,
I don't drink wine,

But, uh,
that does look tempting.

What year is it?

Uh, it's--it's 1978.

It says do not sell
after august 31st.

Uh, have a seat, my dear.

And as they do
on the riviera.

Oh, no, it's happening.

Yes, I know.
It's me, it's you--

[Sneezing]

I have to have
my allergy pills.

I--i gotta go home.

[Sneezes]

We haven't even got
to the slow dancing yet.

No. I don't have--
I don't have time
for that now.

Ok, how about
a fast dance?

♪[music playing]

♪[Humming]

[Sneezes]

I'm leaving!

What's wrong?

This isn't how
it's supposed to happen.

Don't you wanna slip into
something more comfortable?

Yes. The elevator.

"If it be love indeed,

Tell me, how much?"

"There's beggary in the love

That can be reckoned."

"I'll sit aborn
how far to be thee loved."

"Then must thou
find a new heaven

And a new earth."

[Sighing]
roger,

I think
that's enough rehearsing.

Let's start performing.

Well, I guess
I may as well face it, dwayne.

I can't compete with raj.

He has everything.

Brains, looks, personality.

Maybe I should
get myself a new roommate,

A real loser like myself.

Do you think there's any room
in san clemente?

Hey, man, come on,

You're coming down
too hard on yourself.

Yeah, but I got
nowhere with cindy

And raj not only got
everywhere with her,

He also did great with april.

Well, how can you
be so sure?

Well, he didn't take her
out to dinner,

And he didn't take her
to a movie,

And he didn't buy her
a present.

Yeah?

So why did she send him
a thank-you note?

All right, so he's a winner
and you're a loser.

Does that mean he's a winner
and you're a loser?

Yeah. Here comes raj.

Now don't tell him
I struck out with cindy, ok?

Hey, dwayne. Rerun.

Hey, raj.
What's happening?

Ok.

Oh, now,
that's what I call service.

Grape sodas all around.

And what are you
so cheerful about?

Oh, you know how it is,

Some of us have it
and some of us don't have it.

Well, keep it
off the chairs.

Her hostility is probably

Just a result of
the repressed passion

She feels for me.

How would you like
for me

To repress your head
into your neck?

And get your feet
off my chair.

Excuse me.

I have to cancel
that grape soda.

Rerun canceling food?

What's wrong with him?

Uh, indigestion.

Indigestion? Rerun?

The man who can eat
peanut butter

And tuna fish pudding?

Now come on, dwayne,
what's bothering him?

You, raj.

See, man,
he can't compete with you.
He's not like you.

I mean, he doesn't really have
a technique,

And, well, he didn't do that
great with cindy or april,

Even though you got everywhere
with both of 'em.

He's hurtin', raj.

Well, I guess you and april
really hit it off, huh?

Oh, yeah,
that april is a great

Girl.

Oh, I might as well
tell you the truth.

I struck out.

I'm just not
the ladies man you are.

You're not?

Oh, the truth is,

I struck out
with cindy, too.

And all april did
was talk about you.

Really?

She's crazy about you.

She thinks
you're magnificent.

Really?

Sure. She told me herself.

There's nobody
who can compare with you.

Oh, I wouldn't say nobody.

There's rudolph valentino,
don juan,

Bosanova--

Rerun.

I struck out, too, raj.

You struck out?

Yeah, I guess we're both
a couple of losers.

Hey, we're not losers!

It was just the wrong girls
at the wrong place

And at the wrong time.

Oh, look, look.

[Murmuring]

And we're gonna prove it.

Now, we're gonna go over there
and meet those girls.

[Rerun murmurs]

Come on, dwayne.

Me?

Dwayne, dwayne, dwayne.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[All]
no, no, no.

Wrong girls.

Wrong place.

Wrong time.

You know, rerun,

I think our approach
was all wrong.

We shouldn't treat women
any differently

From anyone else.

So from now on,
we're gonna be open, honest,

And please,
no more phony stories.

Right on.

Hey, hey, hey.

Hey, dwayne.

I just want to thank you

For letting me use
the apartment last night
for my date.

Oh, yeah,
how did it go?

Oh, sensational.

Man, the night
to end all nights.

I had all the moves down.

Really?

It was the most passionate
love scene you'll ever see.

Need I say more?

[Both]
yeah.

All right.
It was about 11:00.

Uh-huh.

And there I was...

Uh-huh.

[T.v. Announcer]
and now the late show.

burt lancaster
and deborah karr

starring in
from here to eternity.

stay tuned for the
most passionate love scene

you'll ever see.

Oh, wow, wow!