03x10 - Positive Identification

[bunniefuu]

[Burglar]
♪ silent night

♪ Holy night

♪ All is calm

♪ All is bright

♪[Humming]

[Groaning]

♪[Continues humming]

♪ Sleep in heavenly

[Raj and rerun]
♪ we wish you
a merry christmas ♪

♪ We wish you
a merry christmas ♪

Hey!
What's happenin'?

Merry christmas.

Yeah, merry hi-h*.

Hey, that's some
heavy load
you got there.

Y-y-yeah, well, uh,
i-i'm a mover.

Yeah, right, right.
I'm a mover.

I'm moving some stuff
for the folks upstairs.

Right, right, gotcha.

You guys sure work late.

Yeah, well,
i-i-it's cooler at night.

Yeah, yeah, it's cooler.

Rerun, let's help
the poor man.

No, that's all right!
It ain't necessary.

No, no, no.

It's christmas
and we got the spirit.

That's right.

I'll get this over here.
It looks heavy. Oh!

Can I put this
on the truck for ya?

No! No! Just put it down
by the front door.

That's more than enough.

Hey, and I'll help
ya with that bag, ok?

My glasses!

Oh! Can't you see
without 'em?

Not very well.

Right, right, gotcha.

Look, why don't
you just hand me

That bag over there
and I'll be on my way.

No, I think this
is our grocery bag.

Hmm, right,
right, gotcha.

Yeah, well, I have trouble
with my eyes too.

It's a curse,
ain't it?

Yeah.

[Exclaims]

I put your stuff
by the door.

I wouldn't leave
it there too long,

Someone could run off
with it.

Yeah, you know,

There was a burglary here
just a few weeks ago.

Hmmm.
What gets into folks?

Hm, well, thanks a million.

If there's one thing I hate,
it's makin' 2 trips.

Yeah, well, uh,
merry christmas, santa.

Santa?

Oh, right. Right. Gotcha.

Thanks, dancer.
Thanks, prancer.

Uh, merry christmas.
h*-h*-h*!

Merry christmas.

Merry christmas.

Boy, doesn't that
make ya feel good,

Givin' that fella
a hand with his work?

Yes, it does, raj.

That's what I call
a real good deed.

Helping others
to help themselves.

[Sighs]

Uh, and he's
a nice guy, too.

Oh, yeah.

Everyone seems
a little bit nicer
at christmas, you know.

Yeah. Hey, rerun.
Turn on the t.v. Set.

I'll bet there's some
great christmas shows on.

Right. I'll bet
we're just in time

For bowling for eggnog.

[Both laughing]

Yeah, let's
watch that.

Ok, raj.

Raj! Where is it?

Uh, channel 12.

No, raj. Where's the t.v. Set?
It's gone!

Hmm?

And where's my clock radio?

Where's my tape recorder?

Where's our brains?

You know
what I think, raj?

You think we helped

That burglar take
our stuff outta here?

Right.
Right.

Raj!

Our christmas presents!
They're gone!

They're gone!

Everything we had stacked
under the tree is missin'.

All the presents
for dee, mama,

Dwayne, little earl,
big earl. Everybody.

A christmas present thief.

That's the lowest.

And we helped him
carry them out.

How dumb can you get?

It's lucky
we didn't get here earlier.

With us helping,

He'd have the couch
and the chairs.

I brought your stuff, shirley.

Oh, thanks, dee.
Put it on the table.

Ok.

Hi, guys.

Hey, dee.
Oh, hi, dee.

Working on your
christmas list, raj?

No, dee,
I did all my shopping.

That's smart. Before
the christmas rush.

Not so smart.

It was also before
the christmas burglar.

Well, that's
what he's doing now, dee.

He's makin' a list of
the things that were stolen.

Good idea.

But the problem
is you forget things.

What you should do
is wait

Till they catch the burglar
and get his list.

I mean, his'll be much better.

He's got all the stuff
right there in front of him.

Dwayne, your head
would make a good motel.

There'd always be a vacancy.

Hey, guys, what's new
about the burglary?

Uh, nothing. But we did
give a description

Of the burglar
to detective barnett.

So, all we can do
is hope for the best.

Oh, all right.
Come help me, dee.

All right.

Hi, dwayne, rerun.
Hi, guys.

What's happenin',
little earl?

Hey, earl.

Hi, sweetheart.

Hello, little earl.

You look terrific, baby.

You sure come on strong
for a guy that's only
up to my kneecap.

This is nothing.

I haven't made
my real move yet.

Little earl,

Maybe you should find
somebody your own size.

There is nobody my size.

Hey, little earl,

How's your father doing
on our burglary case?

Oh, yeah, I got so hung up
on my old lady here, I forgot.

He's been
trying to find you.

He has?

Wow! Has he caught
that burglar?

Maybe. He has somebody
that fits the description

And he wants you two
to go down to the station

And take a look at him.

He's been calling
your apartment all day.

Come on, rerun,
we'll call big earl

And tell him
we're on our way.

Ok, fellas, now you know
what's required here.

We're gonna bring
in some suspects.

I want you to
look 'em over
very carefully.

Now, if you see our man,
I want you to tell me.

Don't worry,
detective barnett,

I'd know
that guy anywhere.

Hey, so would i.

[Rerun]
hey, that's him.

That's the guy!
That's the creep!

[Det. Barnett]
you mean, reverend morgan?

Reverend? Reverend?

He's
the police chaplain.

Hello, reverend.

Hello,
detective.

Reverend, of course.

Such a kind, nice face.

Rerun, be more careful.

That's right.
Now, take your time.

We don't wanna convict
an innocent man.

Just make sure
you can make
a positive identification.

Ok, we'll be careful.

Ok. Send them in.

[Det. Barnett]
put your hands down.
Put your hands down.

That guy in the middle
looks familiar, raj.

I think he's our man.

Could be.
But I'm not sure.

And, uh,
you on the end.

Get rid of the magazine.

That's him!

That's him!
The guy on the end!

Mmm-hmm. I think
you're right this time, rerun.

[Rerun]
mmm-hmm. I've never seen

A man look more
like a criminal.

Not since
reverend morgan.

Could we see him
with his cap on?

Yeah. You on the end,
put on your cap.

Oh,
and take that coat off.

Mmm-hmm.
That's him all right.

Mmm. That's the guy.

Ok, now there's no doubt
in your mind?
You're absolutely positive?

Right. Absolutely.
Don't worry, detective,

We're sure because that
sports coat is the clincher.

Mmm-hmm.

Yeah, that's
the same sports coat

He was wearin'
the other night.

I couldn't forget it.

Man, you have to
shop around a long time

To find a sports coat
that ugly.

[Laughs]
yeah.

You're right.

Book him.

Hey, raj, you guys picked
that criminal

Right outta
the line-up, huh?

Oh yeah, dwayne.
No problem.

I just hope the police
can get our coffee maker back.

I'm tired of fried sanka.

You know what I miss most?

The t.v. Set.

Rerun,
what're you watchin'?

Well in
the steven's apartment,

They have columbo on.

And the foster's are watching
rich man, poor man.

And in
the simpson's apartment,

It's the newlywed game.

The simpson's
don't have a t.v. Set.

Right.

Nosey!

sh**t!

Man, what're we
gonna do all night?

We have no t.v.

No radio
and no record player.

Well, we should be gettin'
all our stuff back,

Now that we've identified
the burglar.

Yeah, are you sure
you got the right guy?

Sure? Of course
I'm sure.

Once I meet somebody,
I never forget 'em.

[Knocking on door]

Me, too.
I have a great memory.

Hi, am I late?

For what?

You asked me over
for christmas eggnog.

Don't you remember?

Yeah, I must've forgotten
in all the excitement,
shirley.

Come on in, baby.
Hi, guys.

Come on, help me
with this eggnog, ok?

You know, this is the season
to be jolly, right?

♪ 'Tis the season
to be jolly ♪

♪ Tra-la-la-la-la
la-la-la-la ♪

Yeah, this is
the season to be jolly.

Hey, what kinda guy

Would go around
stealin' at christmas?

Hmm, maybe that's how
he gets his jollies.

Sorry.

Well,
what kind of guy was he?

I mean,
what'd he look like?

Oh,
he was about 5'8".

11".

Yeah, about that tall.

5'8" Or 11".

Yeah? What color was his eyes?

Brown.
Blue.

Well, how about his hair?

Brown.
Black.

I mean, black.
I mean, brown.

I mean grey.

Look here.
Are you sure you two turkeys
went to the same lineup?

Well,
now the truth is,

It was dark in the hallway
when we saw that burglar.

And I did drop
my glasses.

I'm afraid I didn't get
a good look at him.

Well, you saw him,
rerun.

Hey, don't try
to lay that on me, raj.

I was downstairs
most of the time.

Hm, when I did come upstairs,

He had an apple in his mouth
and he had a sack

You know,
kind of, uh, covered his face.

Oh.

Now, I'm not so sure.

Me neither.

And we were wrong
about him bein'
the only one

Who wore that jacket.

Hey, look.

Well, 'tis
the season to be jolly.

Yeah.
Yeah.

Hey, wait a minute.
You know what, guys?

I got somethin' heavy
for you to deal with.

What's that, shirley?

I think you might've sent
an innocent man to jail

For christmas.

Oh, wow.

But better him than me.

[Telephone ringing]

[Typewriter keys clacking]

[All chattering]

Excuse me, sergeant.

Yeah, fill out
this arrest report.

Where'd you get this guy
on, lieutenant?

Huh? Oh,
it's mad dog jackson.

He's a mean one.

We better put him
in isolation.

[Chukles]
just a minute.
I'm not a lieutenant.

And I'm not
mad dog jackson.

You're not a lieutenant.

And he's not
mad dog jackson.

No.

Well, you better not
put him in isolation.

It's lonely there.
You'd hate it.

[Chuckling]

Uh, anyway, we--we--we came
for, uh, detective barnett.

Oh, barnett. Sure.
Hang on, I'll get him for you.

Thank you, sir.

Gee, raj, he thought
I was a criminal.

Yeah, and he thought
I was a police officer.

It just
goes to show you

That even an experienced
professional
can make a mistake.

That's right.
And we're amateurs.

So it's a good thing
we came back here
to double check.

These guys are here
to see you, barnett.

Hey, raj.
[Both]
hey, big earl.

Good news. We ran a make
on your suspect.

His name is willie spencer.
He's a small-timer,

But his m.o. Checks
the apartment job.

And he's got a record
as long as your arm.

Here, con-man,
heister, petty larceny,

Smash and grab--

Smash and grab?
Isn't that a game show?

Well, big earl,
do you really think

The guy we--we identified
is the burglar?

I sure do.
I'd say yes without a doubt.

What do you think, sarge?

Are you kiddin'?

We're dealin'
with facts here.

This guy's got a record.

Breaking and entering,
petty theft, everything fits.

We're dealing
with solid evidence.

Facts, facts, facts.

Well, guys?

Well, I guess
we may as well
go home, raj,

And leave everything
to the police.

I think you're right.

See you later, guys.

And here's the thing
that really convinced me.

What was that?

The guy's a virgo.

But his moon's in capricorn.

Bad news.

Uh, look, if you don't mind,
we'd like to take

One more look
just to be extra sure.

Yeah, we don't wanna convict
an innocent virgo.

Ok, sarge,
bring in spencer.

Look, guys,
I think you're right

To take a 2nd look
and be a 100% sure.

Oh, spencer,
over here.

Got a little surprise
for ya.

You recognize
these guys, huh?

A hallway,
a stolen t.v.,

Christmas packages?

Oh yeah, yeah.

I think so.
Yeah, that's them.

They did it.
Lock 'em up.

I-i-i'll see ya later.
Bye.

Sit down, willie.

Right, right, gotcha.

I'll just sit down
in this chair here. Right?

Right. Gotcha.

Hey, raj.

Didn't the guy
in the hallway say,

"Right, right, gotcha?"

Right.
Right.

Gotcha.

Yeah, but lots a folks say,
"right, right, gotcha."

Right.
Right.

Gotcha!

It won't work, willie.
These young men
picked you out of a line-up.

They're just here
to double-check.

Yeah, he does look
like the guy we saw.

Sure. Look, here's
your signed statement.

You said
the suspect was about 5'10".

Mmm-hmm.

But a lotta guys
are 5'10".

There must be millions
and millions of guys 5'10".

In china alone, right?

Right?

Right.

And you stated he had
a nervous, jumpy way
of talking?

We sure did.
And he sure does.

Oh yeah.
I remember that. Mmm-hmm.

There's no doubt
in my mind now.

He's the guy.

Mmm-hmm.
He sure is.

I'm glad we had
a chance
to hear you talk.

That was
a dead giveaway.

Ok, that's it. Sergeant,
take him away.

Right, right, gotcha.
Right, right.

[Both]
hold it!

Not again?

I'm afraid so.

Sir, we came here
to make
a positive identification

And we're not sure.

Yeah, he looks like the guy

And he sounds like the guy.

But we just aren't sure.

And it is christmas.

You do know that
if you don't identify him now,

We can't hold him.

We have to let him go.

Yeah, we know.

I guess you just gonna
have to let him go.

Right, right,
gotcha.

Sure. Right.

Hey, raj.
Have you figured out

What you're gonna put
on our christmas cards?

Yeah, just about.
Uh, how does this sound?

[Clears throat]

"We wish you
a merry christmas

"And lots of
yule tide cheer.

Somebody stole your present,
better luck next year."

What do you think?

Nice, raj.

Real sentimental.

Mmm. Mmm. Mmm.

Merry christmas.

Well, at least
we don't have to worry

About willie spencer
being locked up in jail

Away from his friends
and family
during the holidays.

[Knocking on door]

Raj, look what just came
down the chimney!

h*-h*-h* and a sock
in your fireplace!

[Laughs]

Wow,
mrs. Santa claus.
Hm?

How are things
at the north pole?

Well, I would've been
here sooner,

But, uh, have you ever
tried to put on a pair of
frozen pantyhose?

Mmm-mmm.
Mmm-mmm.

Child, let me tell ya,
that'd put a ya-ya-ya
in your h*-h*-h*.

Hey, well,
come on in and thaw out,
mrs. Santa claus.

Well,
I can't stay too long,

'Cause I'm helpin' out
at the mission.

Hey, come on in, little elves.

Hey, merry christmas.

Merry christmas,
guys!

Merry christmas.

Hey, hey, hey!

h*-h*-h*!

Where should
we put your presents?

Well, under the tree

Where the presents for you
guys used to be.

All right, move it,
little elf.
Come on, move it.

Hey, sweetcakes.

How about
opening my present now?

I wanna be on hand

In case you throw your arms
around me in gratitude.

Ok, how can I resist
that smile?

It's eau de amour.

The perfume of love.

This is it?

That's all
I could afford.

Well, that's sweet,
little earl.

Thanks.

Wow, it worked.

What a christmas.

[Clattering]

Hey, hey,
what's that?

That noise came
from the bedroom.

Well, maybe it's mr. Claus.

Look, do you have
a chimney in there?

[Rattling]

Somebody is in there.

Get behind me, dee.

Hey, i-i-i'll handle this.

Hey, in the bedroom,
this is the--

Don't push. Don't push.

This is a police officer.
Come out with your hands up!

Right, right, gotcha.

Willie spencer!

Hey, is that the same guy

They arrested
for stealing your presents?

Mmm-hmm.
That's right.

Well, uh,
merry christmas to all

And to all good...

Hold it.

Willie, what were you doing
in our bedroom?

Hey, watch him, guys.
I'll go check.

Mmm-hmm. Ain't no doubt
about it now, willie.

You're a crook.

I ain't no crook.

Uh, i--i was just
on my way to church,

And-and I saw
this fire escape,

So I decided
to take a shortcut

Through your bedroom.

My, my, my.
This turkey sure is busy.

He even works holidays.

Mmm-hmm.

Hey, how about that,
a holiday turkey.

Did you guys
ever see this stuff before?

Hey, the presents
that-that were stolen!

Yeah.

What? Breaking
into an apartment

To return stolen merchandise?

That's a new one.

Listen, the next time
you be makin' your rounds,
holiday turkey,

Drop somethin' by my place.

I never would've figured you
for this, willie.

Why the change of heart?

You were in the clear.

Why'd you bring
all the stuff back?

Well,
it is christmas and...

And the guys were nice enough
to let me go and...

Well, I got
to thinkin' about it.

I did steal
their stuff and...

Well, I just brought
everything back. That's all.

Hey, well, it's all here

And there's dee's present,
there's shirley's.

Yeah, and little earl
and big earl

And here's the one
I got for you, raj.

Hey, but I don't
recognize this one.

"To the guys
in apartment 3-a,

From the guy
who took your stuff away."

It's from me.

A burglarproof door lock?

I--i picked it up
at a hardware store.

Uh, I bought i!
I bought it!

Right, right, gotcha.

You know what, willie?
You all right.

Yeah, you
all right, willie.
Yeah.

I bet if there
were more criminals
like willie spencer,

Jail would be
a much nicer place.

Uh, speakin' of jail, willie,
i, uh, I hate to do this...

Yeah, I know.

But why does
he have to go to jail?

He brought everything back.

That's right, dad.
There's nothing missing.

Well, that's not
good enough.

Well, he did
break in here.

He stole all the stuff
in the first place.

There is a case
to be made.

Unless of course--

Unless of course what?

Well, unless of course
you refuse to press charges.

How can
we press charges?

Mr. Spencer
is a personal friend
of ours.

Right?

Right?

Gotcha.

That's right.

He was just takin'
a shortcut

Through our bedroom
on his way to church.

♪ Oh, come
all ye faithful ♪

Hush. Hush

♪ Joyful and triumph

Come on,
what do you say, big earl?

What can I tell ya?
Have an eggnog.

[All]
all right!

Hey, willie,
do you know this one?

♪ Dashing through the snow

[All]
♪ in a one horse open sleigh

♪ Hey, hey, hey

♪ O'er the fields we go

♪ Laughing all the way

♪ Hey, hey, hey

♪ Bells on bob tails ring

♪ Making spirits bright

♪ What fun it is
to ride and sing ♪

♪ A sleighing song tonight

♪ Hey, jingle, jingle bells,
jingle all the way ♪

Don't forget to put
the lock on now. All right.

Good night, guys.

See you, big earl.
Merry christmas.

Bye, shirley.

Wow! That turned out to be
some party, huh, raj?

Yeah, sure did.

And didn't willie
turn out to be quite a guy?

Yeah, he was real nice.
Mmm-hmm.

Can you imagine him givin'
us a gift?

Hey, speaking
of presents, raj,

You haven't opened
the present I got you.

Yeah, you haven't opened
mine, either.

Neither one of you
have opened mine.

Well, I can guess we can
wait till tomorrow.

Yeah, we can wait
till tomorrow.

Yeah, we'll just wait
till tomorrow.

Tsk. Do you want
to wait till tomorrow?

No, let's get 'em now!

Let's get 'em.

All right, first.

Ahem. This is my present
to you, rerun.

Come on, open it up.

Well, it's already
been opened, raj.

Huh?

It's empty, raj.

Empty. A beautiful sweater
should be in there.

How can it be empty?

Well, wait a minute.
It's not quite empty

There's a note in here.

"Sorry, nobody's perfect.

"Signed

Willie spencer."

Wait!

Wait!

[All yelling]