03x05 - Shirley's Cookies

[bunniefuu]

[People chattering]

Anyone here want dessert?

Nope, nope, pass.

Uh, maybe I'll have
a small piece of cake.

Hey, sorry the pastry truck
broke down this mornin'.

All we got is ice-cream.

Well, I was really
in the mood for cake.

Nothin' for me, thanks.

Ok, one nothing comin' up.

Hey, why don't you
just order some ice cream?

Because that's what
I had for breakfast.

Here. I didn't finish
these cookies I brought in

This mornin' with me.
You're welcome to 'em.

Oh, thank you, baby.

Cookies.

[Sniffing]
mmm.

[Moaning]

Hey, why don't you guys
try these?

Rerun,

Here you go, dwayne.

Thanks.

How do they taste? Huh?

[Moaning]

Oh!

Mmm-hmm.

Huh?

[Chomping]
oh, this is amazing.

What?

Where did you buy these?

Buy them?
I made them myself.

Yeah, it's some old recipe
my aunt gave me.

I didn't know you baked.

You know,
there's a lot of things
you don't know about me, raj.

Like, um, I bake,
and I sew,

And I do a little painting,
you know.

I play a mean game
of handball.

Yeah,
I'm what you might call
" today's woman."

Well, shirley,
how would you like to be
tomorrow's woman, too,

And bake some more
of these cookies?
They are great. Mmm.

Hey, you guys
aren't puttin' me on,
are you?

[All]
no, no.

No, shirley.
These cookies are terrific.

Yeah.

Shirley, these cookies
are great, though.

Hey, you guys really mean it?

[All]
yeah, we really mean it.
Sure.

You know what?
You ought to get rob
to sell 'em here.

[Shirley]
yeah?
Yeah.

I'd buy 'em.
You would?

Yeah, I would.

The whole world
would buy 'em.

Yeah.

Yeah.

All right, all right,
all right, let me--
let me sleep on it, you know.

Shirley, you could be
a millionaire.

Good mornin'. Whoa.

[People chattering]

Well, that's it, g*ng.

No more cookies
today, snake.

Hey, but I got
my own homemade
in the back, huh?

Uh, sh**t.

I guess I better get here
earlier next time.

Hey, kid,
step into my office.

Huh?

[Women hooting]

Look here, uh, kid, you, uh,
wanna buy a watch?

A watch?

Yeah, a watch.

Check it out. It's got
a soulful swiss movement,

Anti-magnetic,
rust-resistant,

Waterproof, shock-proof,
theft-proof, 21 jewels.

Only $42.

That's only $2 a jewel.

Uh, no, thanks.
I already got a watch.

Yeah, well, uh,

That's nice but, uh,

If that one happens
to break on you

While you're boiling lead,
or somethin',

You could be in real trouble.

Check that one out.
Look at it real good.

Hey, that's funny.
There's no, 3, on it.

Sure there is.

There it is. Just fell down
in the corner there.

Shake it around a bit.
Try it out, just have fun.

Keep you amused for hours.

Uh, no, thanks. Not for me.

Hey, kid,
all those people lined up
at the counter over there,

What was that all about?

Oh, that was for the cookies.

Cookies?

You mean all those people
was standin' in line

Just for cookies?

Oh, they're not just cookies.

Those are
shirley wilson's cookies.

Man, they're the best.

That good, huh?

Good?

I bet
if shirley put those out
in stores and markets,

She'd make a million.

Hmm, very interesting.

Uh, excuse me.

Oh, yeah, kid, you're excused.

Hey, I'll see you around.

Yeah, you take it slow.

All right.

Ok, guys, here you go.

3 Cherry sodas
and hold the pits.

[Rerun]
about time.

Mmm.

[Rerun]
hey, shirley?
Hmm?

You know, it's great

The way
everyone's been flippin'
over your cookies.

Yeah, how much money
have you made
so far, shirley?

Dwayne, don't you know
it's not polite

To ask people
how much they make?

Shirley,
how much have you made?

$90.

$90?

Yeah.

$90.

$90, You know
how much that is?

Yes, it's 2 $45 bills.

What you gonna do
with all your money, shirley?

Well, I'm gonna pay off
my stereo

And then I'm gonna send
the rest to my aunt
in alabama.

You know, after all,
it's her recipe.

Hey, wait, wait, wait,
wait one minute, shirley.
Look here.

If I hadn't ordered
dessert that day,

Yeah.

You and rob
wouldn't be makin'
all this money.

You know?

Mmm-hmm.

So, uh, where do I come in?

I don't know.
But see the door?

Yeah.

That's where you go out.

And who do you think
been doin' all the work?

You?

Good guess. Yes.

See, when I leave here
every night,
I'm so exhausted,

But can I go home
and get rest?

No, no, no.
I gotta start bakin'
those cookies.

Before I start baking,
you know what I gotta do?

What you do?
I gotta set up the equipment.

I got to crack the eggs.
Crack the eggs.

Then you got
to beat the eggs.

Oh, yeah, beat 'em, baby.

Then I got
to mix the dough.

Mix the dough.

And then chop up the nuts.

Chop up the nuts.

Then I put a little sugar,
just a little bit
of sugar in there.

Then I got to
melt the chocolate.

Melt the chocolate.

Wow.
Shirley, can I come over
and lick the bowl?

Won't do you any good, rerun.

I have baked
my last batch of cookies
for a long while.

Wow.

What?

I said, won't do you--

I heard you!

Oh.

You can't stop.

You'll ruin
dee thomas enterprises.

Dee thomas what?

Well, you see,
dee buys the cookies here
for 25 cents.

And then she goes
to the school cafeteria
and sells them for 30 cents.

And I get 40 cents
on days when they serve liver.

Well, look here, dee,
i--i'm sorry to break up

Your franchise,
but, uh, I'm not bakin'
no more cookies.

Not bakin'
any more cookies?

Shirley, that's crazy.

Just when things
were going good.

Look, I'll tell you
what's goin'.

What's going, baby?

My health.

Your health?

Hmm-hmm. My free time.
Oh, that's bad.

My love life.

Ooh, that's worse.

You know, as a matter of fact,

The only thing that
gets turned on in my house
is the oven.

Mmm, mmm, mmm.

It's time for a change.

Excuse me.
Are you shirley wilson?

No, she is.

Look here,
you can't just... Ok?

Miss wilson?

What do you want?

Miss wilson, I'm marty slade,
from marty slade enterprises.

Yes. Yes.

It's a fact. Now,

When you want
your fortune made,
don't depend on luck.

Put your trust in marty slade.
Make yourself a buck.

Hey, that's all here.
Look, he's got all that
on that small card there.

What can I do for you?

Well, you see. I'm a promoter.
And I'm here to promote you.

Uh-huh.

Now, I heard all about
your fabulous cookies,

And I can turn those cookies
into a fortune.

Yeah.

Wow! Fortune cookies!

Come to my office.

Shirley,
I can call you shirley?

I think so.
Your mouth seems to be
in workin' order.

Well, yeah,

Shirley, I just drove
over here

And I got wind
of your cookies.

Hey, don't blame me.
Roll up your windows.

Yes. Uh, shirley.

Hmm-hmm?

Everybody is talkin'
about your cookies.

So, what's the point,
mr. Slade?

My point is,
I wanna promote your cookies.

Now, the way I got it figured,

You are the biggest thing
to happen
to the cookie industry,

Since cream centers.

Oh, yeah, sure.

Now, shirley,
the first thing I do is

I order attractive bags
for your cookies.

Mmm. Yes.

Then I set deals
with local stores
to carry your cookies.

My cookies.

Finally, pow,
I set the promotion
for your cookies.

My cookies.

Shirley,
I am gonna convince everyone
in this whole town,

And I mean everyone.

That there is nothing
they can put in their mouth

That tastes as good as...

[All]
your cookies!

Right!

Well, now, you know,

That's fine, mr. Slade,
except for one thing.

I'm no longer bakin'
my cookies.

What?

Shirley, do you have any idea

How many cookies are sold
in the country each year?

No.

Exactly.
With inflation bein'
what it is today,

People just can't afford
luxury items anymore.

That's why so many americans

Are rediscovering cookies.

And, shirley, who's cookies
should they be rediscovering?

[All]
your cookies!

Right.

Uh, shirley,

I'm not talkin' about
$50 or $100.

No.

I'm talkin' about
city-wide distribution.
Ok.

I'm talkin' about
large-scale production.

I'm talkin' about major money.

He's talkin' about
a 100 miles an hour.

I don't trust anybody
who can talk
without breathin'.

Who is this child?

Can we make her disappear?

Sure.
$5 Will get the trick done.

Hey, be quiet, dee.

Shirley, listen
to what he's sayin'.

You could be
rich and famous.

[Shirley]
oh, yeah?

[Dwayne]
yeah.

Yeah. Isn't that how
well-known jones got started?

Right on it.

Now, this is
a bright, young brother
right here

And you should
listen to him, shirley.

Now, shirley, jones
got started bakin' cookies
in his home.

And now,
those very same cookies

Yeah.

Are in every
major department store
in the united states.

And he was brought out
by a giant corporation

[Snapping]
for $2 million.

$2 Million?

$2 Million?

$2 Million.

Shirley,
you better pay attention
to this man.

That's a smart,
young sister right there.

Shirley?
Huh?

Now, when we distribute
your cookies through out
southern california,

2, No, 3 big companies
will come in with the bidding.

Ok.

The first company
will open with
a $500,000 bid.

Ooh, $500,000.

And the 2nd company
will come in with...

$1 Million.

And the 3rd company
will up that.

$1.5 million.
Right.

$2 Million.
Right.

$2.5 million.
Right.

That's too high for me.

It's mine! It's mine!

Dwayne, at least act my age.

Shirley?
Huh?

Step into my office.

Ok.

No, uh, shirley.

Oh, I thought
that was your office.

Uh, I moved.

Good luck.

What'd you say, shirley?
Are we in business?

I gotta think about it.

$50 Advance.

I thought about it, partner.

Hey, rob...

[Sighing]

Thanks, little earl.

Hey, but didn't I see you
buy a bag before?

Yeah, but I bumped into
a big spender on the way home

And made myself 50 cents.

Oh, you sellin' my cookies
for a profit, huh?

No, I sold your cookies
for what I paid for them.

I got 50 cents
for your autograph.

No kiddin'?

No kiddin'.

There's a big business
in famous signatures,
you know.

Really?

Really.

Washington's is about $500.

Lincoln's the same.

But you only got 50 cents
for mine?

Don't feel bad, shirley.

Whoa, look at that.
Hi, shirley.

Oh, hi, dee.

Little earl, your father
sent me for you.

I gotta go, shirley.
Mmm-hmm.

I do whatever she tells me.

The kid knocks me out.

Well, get on down there.

Bye, shirley.
Come on, earl.

Bye, you all.

"The kid knocks me out," hmm.

Oh.

Hey, hey, could you, uh,
make it "to sylvester"?

Oh yeah, sure.

"To

Syl-ves-ter." Ok.

"Pagliada."

What?

"Pagliada."

"Pagliada."

Yeah. It's a p-a-g--

Wait a minute, wait a minute.
Where you get the "g"?

There's a "g" in "pagliada."

What?

It's silent.

Well, then don't say it.

Ok, ok, um, "with love--"

Man, if you don't get
those cookies out of here!

"Pagliada!"

[Chuckling]

Shirley, shirley.

Oh, man.

I don't know how alex haley
autographed all those books.

[Mumbling]

Shirley, there's your salary.

Oh. Oh, wait a minute, slade.
Oh, whoa, wait a minute.

Now, this must be a joke,
I know.

$30?

I mean,
$30 for all those cookies
we sold?

Shirley, shirley,
there's overhead.

Look, shirley,
production costs money,

Ingredients cost money,
bags cost money.

Um, um, listen here.

And your new teeth
gonna cost money.

Now either you share
some of those profits with me,

Or you find
someone else to promote.

Well now, miss wilson,

If you're quite through.

I guess I am.

I have
a little contract here,

Which you signed,

That calls for you
to deliver to me

A certain amount of cookies
every week.

There is nothing
in this contract
about sharing the profits.

It'll stand up
in any court of law.

Now, shirley,

I want those cookies.

Oh.

[Mumbling]

Huh, roger,
how about this, huh?
Huh? Huh? Huh?

Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

Huh. Huh.

Ah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

[Mumbling]

I'm afraid your right, roger.
This looks like an iron-clad
contract to me.

Well, I couldn't find
a loophole anywhere.

I didn't understand

All those "heretofores"
and "wheretofores."
What do they mean?

Well I'm--
I'm no lawyer, dwayne,

But I think
they mean that shirley's got
a real problem.

Hey, let's say we get slade,

And we slam him up
against the wall.

And we throw
a couple of lefts and rights
and uppercuts,

And then when he crumples
to the floor,

Y'all can call me at home.
I'll come right over.

Dwayne.
Huh?

When you talk,
try not to do it out loud.

Oh.

Shirley, how did you
get yourself into this mess.

Greed. Mmm-mmm,
sounds so you good,

You know, fast and big money.
Thanks, that's enough.

Yeah, we weren't much
help either.

You know, we all
got kinda carried away.

Yeah, I heard about that
wall street bidding session.

Yeah, well,

I guess I did some
of that million dollar
bidding too.

You know shirley,

We're very, very, sorry.

Right, dwayne?

Oh, yeah, right.

Hey, it's nobody's fault
but mine.

I'm old enough to know better.

Yeah, you are old.

Hey, you better shut up.

Det. Barnett,

Think of something.
You're a policeman.

You must know
how to get around the law.

The law is not something
to get around.

The law's the law.

It's what
this country's all about.

Laws are made
to punish the guilty,

Protect the innocent,
and guarantee equal rights
to all citizens.

However,

There's always a way.

I mean, there's always
an answer, right?

[Raj]
yeah.

There's always
one smart person
in every crowd

To come up with a solution.

Roger?

What?

What's the solution?

Come on, let's all
sit around the table.

I'm sure we'll think
of something.
Now let's put our heads--

Please start at the top.

All right. Ok.

Ok?
Oh, all right, shirley.

Hmm-hmm.

Uh, shirley?

Yeah?

Mmm. Mmm, mmm.

Mmm, hmm, mmm.

Uh, hello? Hello?

Excuse me.

Yeah, can I help you?

No. But perhaps
I can help you.

My calling card.

[Sighing]

I'm cal cook,
my partner is ken crocker.

You've heard
of cook and crocker,
of course.

Well, um, I don't know.

We're a huge bakery
out of keokuch.

Cook and crocker,
crackers and cookies.

We're big, very big.

Very big?

Huge. As a matter of fact,
we may expand,

Go into cakes for kicks.
What do you think?

Well, hmm.

I don't know.

See, we
at cook and crocker feel

If we can cook
quality cakes quickly

And keep cooking
our cookies and crackers,

Then cook and crocker
can qualify

As quality cookie,
cake and cr*cker cookers.

My man, that was a mouthful.

Now, uh, what is it
that you really want?

Oh, I'm just waiting
for my partner.
He's our chief researcher.

He's presently looking over
our balance sheet

In preparation
to make you an offer

To buy out
your cookie line.

Oh? Really?

Mmm-hmm. See, we at cook
and crocker feel

That if we can capture
your cookies

And keep cooking
our cookies, crackers
and quick quality cakes,

It could be quite a coup.

Hey, shirley?

Yeah?

Did you hear that?

He said that if they could
capture our cookies

In addition
to their cookies, crackers
and quick quality cakes,

It would be quite a coup.

Conclusively.

Huh? Yes.

Well--well,
where's that partner of yours?

Oh. Oh, ken?
Ken, can you come in, ken?

Coming, coming,
coming, coming, coming.

Ken. Hear you call, cal?

Ah, ken crocker.
Cook and crocker
cookies and crackers.

Mmm-hmm. Yes.
Well, step into my office.

Uh, gladly.
You see, mr. Slade,

We at cook and crocker decided

To take on a quality line
of chocolate chip cookies.

Oh, hey, man.

Hey, you guys think
you're talkin' to a kid,
or somethin'?

This is marty slade,
you're talkin' to, here.

I got somethin' good goin' on
and I know it.

So y'all
just get right on down
to the bottom line.

How much?

You deliver to us
3 million cookies a year

And we will deliver to you
$500,000.

Think it over.
Take your time.

Right. I'll take it.

Now wait, wait a minute.
Wait a minute.

What do you mean
"you'll take it"?
What is "you take it"?

Don't I have somethin'
to say about this?
No.

What do you mean "no"?
Step into my office.

Step in nothin'.
What do you mean "no"?
I don't understand.

Now, look here.
I got a signed contract
with your signature on it.

I have all rights.
I make all decisions.

Now, is that true?

Because we have to know
who the responsible party is.

Oh, yeah.
I am the responsible party.

This is my company.
I am the boss, sole owner.

I'm the,

[Snapping]
ow, chief chip.

Chief chip. I like that.

Yes, that's good to know.

Now, the only thing
we're waiting for is

The report
from the board of health.

What do you mean?

It's a mere formality.

The health department
is at your apartment
right now, miss wilson,

Checking out your kitchen.

Hmm-hmm, see,
if they find no violations,
we will write you a check.

However,
if they do find violations,

That will put
the entire matter
in a different light.

What kinda light?

A dim one I'm afraid.

You see, since you assume
all responsibility,

You're liable for all claims.

Claims?

Come here
for a minute, brother.

What claims?

Well, all purchasers
of shirley's cookies

Will be entitled to damages.

And I imagine
that will come to
quite a tidy sum.

What?
What are you talkin' about?

And the fine
will be substantial, too.

The health department
tends to be very severe
in these matters.

Wait a minute.
You trying to tell me

That I'm gonna get zapped
with a fine and damages

'Cause she got
a dirty kitchen?

Well, you just said
you're responsible
for the entire company.

Are there
any health violations,
miss wilson?

No, none at all.

Uh, none
that I could be blamed for,

'Cause lord knows
I've complained often enough

To the landlord
about those flies.

Flies?

Flies?

Flies?

Yeah, but they're
very healthy.

See, they just go
from cookie to cookie,

Just getting healthier
by the minute.

Sounds like bad news
to me, slade.

Hmm.

Now wait a minute here.

It's gonna cost you
a lot of money, mr. Slade,
I'm afraid.

But you're lucky
in one respect.

They hardly ever
send anyone to jail

Unless they've had
a previous record.

Yes, and of course,
that wouldn't count
in this case.

Would it?

Wait a minute.
Just wait a minute, now.

I am not gonna be responsible
for her flies.

My flies?

I've--i've had about enough
of your fast mouth.

Now, wait a minute, now.

Why is it

When we we're talkin'
about profit,
it's your profit,

When we're talkin'
about flies, it's my flies.

Why is that?
And--and
take a look at this.

Let me show this contract.
You see that part right there?

What? Right there.
Look, right there.

Read that. What that say?
No, let me show it to you.

It says,
"you are responsible."

Ok, now look down here
on this page here.

What that say?

You are going to jail.
You know what?

Mr. Slade, you are owner
of a cookie company.

Oh, no, you don't.

Mmm-mmm,
mmm-mmm.

You ain't stickin' me
with this.

Now you all check this out.

This is your contract.

There it is.

That's your contract.

There's your contract,
miss cookie maker.

Those are your cookies,
your kitchen, your flies.

I have nothing further
to do with it.

Oh, no...

Mr. Slade,

Uh, now, we may need
your testimony.

So, now, how may I reach you?

Try the yellow pages.

Let your fingers
do the walkin'. I'm gone.

But mr. Slade...

Nice doin' business
with you.

[Whooping]

All right. Yeah.

Come here, you!

Oh, you were great guys.
I love you for it.

Thank you.

Would you like
another cookie,
little earl.

Well, 3 is usually my limit.

But, as long as
I'm not driving.

[Rerun]
well, you know,

I really got to
give it to you, raj.

You, and big earl

Really taught
that slick slade a lesson.

Thanks, dee.
Mmm-hmm.

Yeah, but you know,
it's too bad he was a phony,

Because things
could have really worked out
good for shirley.

[Knock on door]

I'll get it.

[Raj]
all right.

Hey, how's it goin, snake?

Hey, it's all right,
what's happenin', rerun?

Hey.

I was over at
the soda shop,

And shirley asked me
to drop these off
to you guys.

More cookies.

Wow, she just gave us,
each a big bag this morning.

Well, she really appreciates
all the help you guys gave her
with slade.

Man, he was really a rat.

Oh, wait a minute,
he wasn't all bad.

What?

Dwayne,
what are you talkin' about,

Slade, was bad news.

Well, he was nice to me.

When was he ever nice to you.

About an hour ago.

About an hour ago?

Yeah, see, I bumped into him
in the streets,

And he must have felt
really bad

And said he wanted
to make up for things.

So, he sold me this watch
for $4.

All right, that's the one

With the 3 off of it.

Yeah.
If you shake it around,

You get it right back
up there.

I'm gettin' good at it. See?

All right, raj,
you be careful.

All right,
shake it around?

[All clamoring]