02x01 - Rerun Gets Married

[bunniefuu]

Ok, see you later.

[Sighs]

Dee, we've been here
over an hour.

Are you ready to go yet?

No, I'm not ready to go yet.

I sent my chocolate malt
back again.

Ok,
here we go, dee.

I hope its right
this time.

It's right, its right.
Now just drink it, dee!

How much more chocolate syrup
did you put in?

2 Squirts.

Good. And an extra shot
of malt?

Yeah,
but no more milk.

That's right, because
if you added more milk,

Then you need more chocolate
and more malt.

I don't believe this.

Oh, there's no question
about it.

You see, extra milk would
just wipe out the effect
of everything else I did.

How true.

Ok, go ahead
and try it.

Perfect.

Aren't you gonna drink that?

What's your rush,
raj?

Rush? We're the only people
left here, it's 7:00,

And dwayne and rerun
are taking me
to the ball game tonight.

No kidding.
What's the occasion?

It's his 17th birthday.

Hey, all right.
Happy birthday, raj.

Thank you, shirley.

Well, drinks are on me.

Thanks, shirley.
A strawberry shake, please.
Ok

Hey, now, wait a minute.

She's treating us.

I have to go home.

So go.

You know I have to
wait for you.

So wait.

Dee, if you drink
that strawberry shake,

You're going to get sick.

Raj, sit down a minute.

Now that you're 17 years old,
you ought to know

A little something
about life.

Everybody gets sick
sometimes.

Me, you, mama,
even the president
of the united states.

But of all of the sicknesses
in this whole world,

The best sickness to get

Is "strawberry-milkshake-
disease." So, back off!

Shake, please.

Ok, try this one.

Any sign of raj yet, rerun?

No. Nobody's coming.

Dwayne, do me a favor
and throw these bags
in the garbage out back.

Ok, mrs. Thomas.
Thank you, sweetheart.

You're welcome.

Well, is everybody here
that's coming, rerun?

Let's see.

Everybody that's not here yet,
raise your hand.

I guess they're all here.

Oh, forget it. Does everybody
know what they have to do?

Yeah, all set.

Hey,
somebody's coming.

Quick! Get the lights

[All]
surprise!

Hey, hey, hey.

Oh, I locked myself out
the back door.

Here they come,
here they come.

You sure it's roger?

It's him. He's with dee,
isn't he?

Of course he is.

Then it's them.
It's 2 of them.

[All]
surprise!

I told you it was
2 of them.

Shut up, fool.

Raj and dee are
right behind me.

You go on.

You go on.

Will you get in the house?

You get in the house.

What's the matter
with you?

You gotta go first.

Why?

There's a reason.

What's the reason?

Well, I've heard there's been
a lot of terrible things

Happening lately
in this neighborhood.

Like what?

Oh, just people coming home
finding burglars hiding

In the house with weapons.

Weapons? Weapons?
What weapons?

I don't know.
It's probably nothing.

Weapons?

Go ahead.

[All]
surprise!

[Screaming]

What's happening?

[All cheering]

Happy birthday, raj.

Man, were you
really surprised?

Nah.

A little.

I mean, I knew
something was up.

Your blood pressure.

Let's take out
the birthday cake

So raj can make a wish,
blow out the candles

And watch rerun eat it.

[Knocking on door]

Hello.

Happy birthday to me.

Hey, hey, hey.

Well, hello.

Hi, maria.

Hello, diana.

You say it's all right
to come, no?

Oh sure it is.
Hey raj, look,
I asked your mama

If it was ok for me
to invite a new friend.

And she said
it was ok. Ok?

Oh, yeah. Ok.

It it's not, you can
bring her to my house.

W-welcome, maria.
Hey, everybody,
this is maria.

[All]
hi, maria!

Are you new
in this neighborhood?

I am new in your country.

Yeah, maria is from
veracruz.

Oh, mexico?
That's my favorite country.

I speak spanish, too, maria.

Uh, mi nombre esta dwayno.

Hello, dwayno.
como esta usted?

Oh, by all means.

Hey, let's get some music
into this party.

[All]
all right!

♪ [Music playing]

[All cheering]

[All cheering]

[All clapping]

Uh, maria--

Would you
like to dance?

I don't know your dances.

Hey, just stick with me.
I'm an expert.

Uh, what do you call
this dance, roger?

The funky klutz!

Oh, that's beautiful.

What?

The way you sip.

The way I sit?

No, sip.

You know,
it's like, uh, slurp.

Slurp?

Slurp.
Slurp.

[Slurping]

No, honey, if you're trying
to kiss her,

You've gotta sit
a little closer.

All that... Ain't gonna
make it, honey.

Hey shirley, uh, give us
a couple more sodas.

Thanks, raj, but you've spent
too much money on me already.

Money? Money? What's money?

Money is the 80 cents
you owe me for those 2 sodas.

And money is 80 cents more
for the next 2.

I've got money.
Oh?

I've got money
in my checking account,

Money in my savings account,
money in stocks and bonds.

You got money in your pocket?

Come to think of it,
we're not that thirsty.

I didn't think so.

She's funny.

Yeah, funny.

Uh, uh, listen, maria, um,

I've only known you
a week.

Well, less than a week,
really.

And, um,
I really like you.

I like the way you walk,

The way you look,
the way you--

Slurp?

Better than anything.

So I was wondering if, uh,
I could take you
to a movie tonight.

Oh, that's nice, roger,
but I already have a date.

Well, dates are made
to be broken.

See, you don't have
to go out with a guy--

Hey, hey, hey.
What's happening?

What's up, raj?

Uh, hey, maria.
How you doing?

How I am doing what?

Oh, no, that's just
an expression.

[Laughs]

Well, look, why don't
you guys excuse us?

We're trying to make plans
for tonight.

Sorry, raj.
But my date is here.

Huh?

That's me, guys.

Come on, maria,
let's grab a booth.

Rerun's her date?

Oh, come on, raj, let's go.

What, uh--

Come on.

You're too much, maria.

I can't believe
how much fun
we've had this week.

I know. I no have so much fun
since I came to this country.

I'm glad. How about
a couple of cheeseburgers?

Ay, everybody spends
so much money on me
all the time.

What are friends for?

Besides, the cheeseburgers
were for me.

I'm glad
you're my friend, rerun.

Well, you're easy to like.

Do you mean that?

I mean it, maria.
I'd do anything for you.

You would?

Sure. Anything.

There's something you could do
that would help me very much.

Hey, you name it, maria.

You want to go to a movie?
You want to go to the beach?

You want a soda?
You just name it.

I want you to marry me.

I still don't believe it.

I mean, I just
don't believe it.

Me, neither.

I mean, rerun is nice.

Terrific.

He's funny.

Great sense of humor.

Fantastic dancer.

Lotta rhythm.

But as a boyfriend?

Nothing.

He's not very bright.

Flunks everything.

Overweight.

Chubby.

He's not that good looking.

Dumpy.

He's really not
that great a dancer.

Clumsy.

So, what's he got?

Maria.

[Knocking on door]

I got it.

Hi, rerun. Hey, guys,
here's ol' chubby,
dumpy, clumsy!

What's she talking about?

Oh, don't be paying her
any attention.

Hey, what's up, man?

Well, when something big
happens in a guy's life,

He likes to share it
with his best friends.

Yeah, what's happening, rerun?

Sit down
and I'll tell you.

See, maria and I
had this serious talk.

How serious?

The wedding's tuesday.

Huh? Man, whose wedding?

Ours.
Yours and mine?

No, fool, mine and maria's.

You're gonna
marry maria?

Yeah.

Aren't you gonna
wish me luck?

Yeah, rerun. Lots of luck.

You're gonna need it.

I liked it better
when you were gonna
marry dwayne.

Rerun, how can you get married
so soon? You just met her.

You're only 19.

You haven't even finished
high school, yet.

You're just
in no shape
to get married.

Um, you know
what I mean.

Why don't you
leave the guy alone?

He's in love.

Who said anything
about love?

Sometimes people get married
for other reasons.

Other reasons?

I'm too young to handle this.

Dee, I'm only marrying her
because she's
an ill*gal alien.

She doesn't have a father?

No, dee, an ill*gal alien
is someone

Who's snuck into this country.

Wait a minute. You mean
maria snuck into this country?

She didn't exactly sneak in.

She just forgot
to stop at the border.

And if they find out
they'll deport her, right?

And her mother.
But if she marries me,
she can stay here.

Then we'll send
for her mother later.

So you're gonna
marry her

And have a wife
and a mother-in-law?

That's right.

And then maybe you'll even
have some kids.

Oh, come on, dwayne.

No, really, having kids
while you're young
is good, rerun.

You can play ball
with them,

Go to the zoo
with them.

You can even go to
high school with them.

Tell me how it turns out.

Listen, listen to me.

The one think I don't need
is a lecture

On how stupid it is for me
to get married.

You won't hear
any lectures from me.

I just want to tell you
how stupid it is
for you to get married.

Yeah, rerun, really dumb.

Well, we're getting married
and we're getting married
tuesday.

All right, where are you going
on your honeymoon?

There's not gonna be
a honeymoon.

No honeymoon?
No.

At all?
At all.

Wait a minute! You're marrying
maria to do her a favor

And you're not getting
any kind of a honeymoon?

That's right.

Boy, rerun, you're
the finest person I ever met.

Well, what about
the wedding arrangements?

Oh, I've taken care
of all that.

I even got a ring.

It's right here.

Wait a minute, rerun.
You got the wedding ring

Out of a bubble gum machine?

I don't think she's
gonna be too thrilled

Over a batman
decoder ring.

I spent 12 nickels
trying to get that thing.

Look, well, I'll think
of something.

Now, uh,
what about flowers?

For what?

For the bride.

Oh, never mind.
Dwayne, help him
find a good ring

And I'll take care
of the flowers.

Where you going, raj?

To get something to drink
to toast the bridegroom.

I'm really nervous.

I'm glad you're
my friend, dwayne.

Do you have any advice
you can give me?

No, I don't have any advice
I can give you,

But I'll give you a quarter
for that decoder ring.

Ok, here we go.

Ok, on this very
special occasion

When one of our trio
is about to marry
a wonderful girl,

I would like to
propose a toast.

To rerun, the greatest
friend a guy ever had.

Cheers!

A guy who you could
count on.

A guy who would stick by you
through thick and thin.

Freddie stubbs.

Down the hatch.

Whether in the class,
the playground,

In the kitchen,
the living room,
the soda shop--

Raj, would you hurry it up?
The wedding's tuesday.

I wish the judge would hurry.

I want to get this over with.

Rerun, I had no right
to ask you to do this.

If you want to change
your mind, I will understand.

I don't want to
change my mind.

Let's just do it
before I change my mind.

Rerun, don't be
so nervous. Relax.

What's happenin'?

[All chattering]

[Woman]
I'm so happy for you!

How about one of the bride
and the groom
for the school newspaper?

Cut it out, marvin.
How'd you find out?

Dwayne told me.

It's ok, rerun,
they are friends.

I wouldn't have missed this
for the world.

Well here, rerun. I got
a wedding present for you.

Thanks a lot, shirley.
But you really didn't have to.

The marriage is only gonna
last a week.

Well, that's a fine attitude!

You don't understand.
We're only getting married

So maria can stay
in the country.

Yes, as soon as we can,
we get it annulled.

Annulled?

Gimme that sucker back!

Now, where's the happy couple?

Oh, I'm judge barnes.
Congratulations.

I hope you two
will be very happy.

Huh?

Aren't you the groom?

Uh-uh.

Sorry I'm late.

I thought you might
like these.

Oh, roger.
You are so thoughtful.

Very well. Now that the groom
has arrived, shall we proceed?

Wait a minute.
He's not the groom, I am.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Truly sorry.

Very well. All the papers
seem to be in order.

si.

She means yes.

Yes.

Now, who's got the ring?

Me.

What kind of a ring is that?

That's my senior class ring.

I've had it for 3 years.

I see. Now...

We are gathered here
to join this couple

In the bonds of matrimony.

[Sniffling]
oh!

Do you, frederick j. Stubbs,

Take this woman to be
your lawfully wedded wife?

I guess so.

You guess so?

Well, I do.

[Sniffling]
oh!

Excuse me. Are you sure
you two have
thought this over?

Sure. We thought
it over.

Ok. Now, do you,
maria torres,

Take this man to be
your lawfully
wedded husband?

If it's ok with rerun.

Rerun?

That's me. She doesn't know
my real name.

Wouldn't you two like
to give this some more time?

Get to know each other better.
The marriage would have

A much better chance
of working out.

That's ok.
It's only temporary.

Wait a minute.

Are you two
in some kind of trouble?

No. She's just
an ill*gal alien.

Oh, dwayne!

Now I understand.

No, look. We're just trying
to help her out
so she doesn't get deported.

Well, you know,
even if she gets married,

She would still
have to leave the country.

I would?

I can stay, can't i?

But there are other ways
for her to come into
this country legally.

There are?

Sure, I'll be happy to
tell you about them.
I'll help you any way I can.

Hey!

Now, do you still
want to get married?

[Both]
no.

[Crying]
oh!

That was delicious,
mrs. Thomas.

You got anything else?

You haven't stopped eating
since you got here.

I always eat
when I get nervous,

And I always get nervous
when I go before a judge.

It runs in my family.

Well, this judge really
sounds like a nice man.

He was.

He told maria
she could come back

Into the country
on a student visa.

Hey.

Or if some american family
went to mexico,

They could adopt her.

Maybe we could
adopt her.

Oh, stop.

Ok, how about
a straight trade?

Maria for dee?

See you later, mama.

Was that raj?

And dwayne and rerun.

And rerun's wife?

Rerun doesn't have a wife.

Doesn't have a wife?

Mmm-mmm.

Met a girl a week ago,

Got married this morning,
divorced this afternoon.

Well, that's hollywood.

Man, talk about close calls.

I was almost mr. Maria torres.

Man, I'm never gonna
let anybody rope me
into getting married.

Oh, you'll change your mind
once the right girl
comes along.

How will I know when
it's the right girl?

You'll know, kid.

I've got the girl of my dreams
already picked out.

Yeah, who is she, raj?

Oh, I don't know yet.
But I know
what she'll be like.

She's gonna be warm,
caring, loyal--

You gonna marry
a c*ck spaniel?

Ok. Tuna on rye
for dwayne,

And one big burger for raj,

Mmm.

And a b.l.t.
For the heartbreak kid.

Hey, shirley, you ever think
about getting married?

Yeah. I was engaged once.

Really?

Yeah, really.

It was our senior year
in high school
and he pinned me.

What did he use, a hammerlock?

I'm serious, fool.

What happened, shirley?

Oh, I broke up with him.

I felt real bad about that.

He was real nice to me.

He gave me a lot of
expensive jewelry.

Rode me around
in his fancy cars.

Yeah, he spent
a lot of money on me.

Wow, sounds like a great guy.
What's he doing now?

5 To 10.