01x09 - Christmas

[bunniefuu]

♪ deck the hall
with boughs of holly,
fa la la la la ♪

Ok, now,
this one is for

Your mother,
from my folks.

Oh, thank you.

And here's one
for you,

Raj,
from my folks.

[Squeals]

Wow, that's nice, dwayne.

And here's one
from me to you.

Wow, raj,
you're cleaning up!

Yeah,
thanks, dwayne.

Oh, there's one more
left in here. Let's see,

It's from my family...

To...

If that one isn't for me,
I'm gonna deck your halls.

It's for you,
dee. Here.

[Laughs]

Thank your family,
dwayne.

Well,
what about me?

When a present comes
from a family,

It means the parents
bought it, not the kids.

So, if you want me
to thank you,

You'll have to give me
something yourself.

I accept cash.

She's really got
the spirit of christmas,
doesn't she?

Yeah, scrooge
would have loved her.

[All laugh]

Oh, here,

This is to everybody
in your family,

From everybody
in my family.

Oh, thank you, rerun.

My brothers wanted to
get you something
on their own,

But the stores
were still open.

Oh, rerun.

Hey, raj, are you
and dee gonna stay in,

Or are y'all going out
for christmas eve?

No, we're staying home.
My mama gotta work
tonight at a party.

You're staying home alone?
Christmas eve?

It's no big thing, rerun.
We stay home alone
every christmas eve.

See, christmas eve
and christmas day
are two big party days,

And my mama gets a chance
to make some good money.

Well, hey, raj, why don't
you and dee come over
to my house,

And spend christmas eve
with me and my folks?

Nope. Thanks, dwayne,
but we'd rather stay here.

Yeah, we got our own house
and our own folks.

You just want to be here
when santa comes, right?

Say what?

You just want
to hang around here

And catch santa
coming down the chimney.

Hey, raj, this dummy still
believes in santa claus.

Well, don't you?

No.

She used to.

Yeah, I used to, until
I got old enough to realize

That no white man
in red pajamas

And a fur collar,
running across the roof,

Would last 5 minutes
in this neighborhood.

[Knocking on door]

Merry christmas!

Hey, daddy.
Merry christmas.

Hey,
what's happening?

Oh, no. Didn't you hear?
Santa claus got mugged
on the roof.

[All laugh]

That is
dee's theory, daddy.

Oh, yeah?
Well, she's wrong.

How do you know?

Because I happen
to be santa claus.

You are not.

Well, if you don't
believe it,

You won't get
what's in my sack.

What's happening, santa?

[Laughs]

All right!

Hey, listen, raj,

I gotta get going.

You sure you and dee
won't be able to make it?

Yep. I'm sure.

How about tomorrow,
for christmas dinner?

No, but look, y'all have
a merry christmas,

And tell your mother I said
thanks for the presents, ok?

Well, I'll probably see
y'all tomorrow anyway.

Ok. Merry christmas,
mr. Thomas, dee.

[Door closes]

Say, roger,

What was that
all about?

Well, since mama has to work
tonight and tomorrow,

They invited me and dee over
to their house for dinner.

You mean to say,
you and dee are gonna be
home alone on christmas,

While your mama's
out working?

Yeah, we do it
every year, daddy.

Yeah, well, you did it
every year till now.

Tomorrow, you're both
coming over to my house
for a real christmas dinner.

You're gonna fix
christmas dinner?

h*-h*, you bet.
We're gonna have, uh,

Turkey and stuffing...

And cranberry sauce?

Mmm-hmm.
And--and candied yams.

With marshmallows?

Ahhh!
And pumpkin pie.

I hate that stuff.

No, you don't.

And besides, we always
spend christmas
with our mama.

Yeah, but you said
your mama was going
to be working late.

I know, but we want to get
things ready for her.

Well, I'll tell you what.
You get things ready
in the morning,

Because
in the afternoon

You're both coming to my house
for a real dinner.

Hey, that sounds
real good, daddy, but, uh--

Hey...

No "buts," uh?

For the first time
in 10 years,

I'm gonna
spend christmas

With my 2 kids.

[Laughs]

Hey, dee,
how about that?

I'm not coming.

Christmas is for being
with the family.

And my family
is raj and mama.

So, I'll just stay here
until my family gets home
from work.

Well, it just so happens
that I am your family, too,
young lady.

And you will be with
your family for dinner,

Tomorrow at
your daddy's house.

Now, is that clear?

Well, is it?

Yes.

Is it?

Is it!

Uh, i--i--i mean,
it is, daddy.

Good.

I'll pick you
both up at noon.

Got it?

Got it.

Got it?

Got it.

[Sighs]

Goodbye.

Goodbye.

Merry christmas.

Merry christmas?

He must be kidding.

I hate him.

Dee...

[Sighs]

♪ yet in thy dark streets
shineth ♪

♪ the everlasting light

Raj.

What's the matter?

I can't sleep.

You can't sleep? Why?

I'm scared.

Scared of what?

Can I get in your bed?

Ok. Come on.

[Sighs]

I'm really scared
of daddy, raj.

[Laughs]

Why?

Because he yells
at me all the time.

Now, he only yells at you
when you make him mad,

And you made him
mad tonight.

Well, it wasn't
my fault.

He started it by inviting us
to his house
for christmas dinner

And making me say
I hate him.

Now, he only invited us
because he loves us, dee.

And the only reason
you're feeling bad

Is because you said
you hate him.

He didn't hear you
say it,

And I know you didn't
really mean it.

You're right.
I didn't mean it.

I know.

Do you think god heard
what I said?

Hey,

If I know you didn't
mean it, believe me,

God knows
you didn't mean it.

Because I didn't.

I know.

Thanks, raj.

It's ok.

Oh!

Hey, raj.

What?

Can you sleep in that chair,
over there?

[Whispering]
roger, dee...

Hmm.

"Mabel...

From bill, love."

[Laughs]

Some love!

Hmm.

Let's see what this is.

[Sighs]

He does have
a good memory.

Yes, he did...

[Sniffing]

Mmm.

Hi, mama.

[Screams]

Roger.

See, I caught you!
I caught you.

Merry christmas, mama.

Oh, this is
a merry christmas, son.

Hey, I've got
a surprise for you.

And I've got a surprise
for you, too.

Daddy came over and invited
me and dee to his apartment
for christmas dinner.

Oh, he did?

Yeah. Uh, well, I told him
that you had to work
and that we would be alone.

So, he said
he didn't want us
to be by ourselves,

And he's never spent
a christmas with his children.

He said that, huh?

Yeah, and you know, mama,
I kinda felt sorry for him.

I guess he's entitled to us
a little bit, right?

He's entitled
to you a lot.

But what
did you tell him?

Well, I told him
that we--we'd come.

Uh,

Did I do
the right thing?

Of course you did
the right thing.

Now, what's
your surprise?

And I suppose that girlfriend
of his, uh, what's-her-name,
is gonna be there, too.

Oh, uh, loretta? Sure.

Well, come on, mama,
what's your surprise?

Hmm?

Well,
your surprise?

Oh, my surprise--

Well, uh, tomorrow night,

Mrs. Sherman is gonna
let me off at 8:00
instead of 10:00.

All right!

Now, that is
a merry christmas!

Hey, hey.

It's 11:00.
Now, you get to bed

So santa can come
and do his stuff.

All right.

[Both laughing]

Good night, mama.

Good night, baby.

[Sighs]

[Dialing]

I hope she's not asleep.

[Sighs]

Hello, mrs. Sherman?
This is mabel.

I hope I didn't
wake you up.

Good.

I was just wondering
if you could still
use me tomorrow?

You have someone else?

I see.

Oh, no,
that's all right.

Um,

Yes, I did say
I want to be with my children,

But they had
other plans.

No, no, no.
It's all right.

And thank you for letting me
have the day off
in the first place.

Good night.

Hmm?

Oh, yes.

Merry christmas.

This is wonderful.

Hey, wait a minute, dee.
Here's a present
you forgot to open.

What is it?

Open it and see.

Is it something I want,
or something I need?

What's the difference?

Well, I feel like being
surprised by something
I really want.

And what's wrong with being
surprised by something you
really need, hmm?

Nobody's every surprised
by something they really need.

So if this is
something I need,

Instead of something
I want,

Maybe you can still
exchange it before I open it.

I find at my age I really
don't need much anymore.

Will you open it, already?

Goodness.

Oh, mama.
Just what I wanted.

Thank you.

Whoa, whoa.
Uh, read the card.

Oh, yeah, the card.

"To dee,

"Merry christmas, from...

Raj."

Is this from you, raj?

You like it?

I love it.

Well, where's his
big hug and kiss?

Well?

That's ok, mama,
I don't need no big hug
and kiss.

I've done--

Now that's my best
christmas present.

[Knocking on door]

Thank you.

Come in.

What's happening?

And a h*, h*, h*, h*, h*!

Well, well, rerun,
come on in.

You know, you look
like one of santa's helpers.

He looks like
all of santa's helpers.

I'm glad you're still home,
mrs. Thomas.

Hey, mama, what time do you
have to go to work?

Oh, I have
plenty of time.

I'll leave right after
your father comes
to pick you up.

Take this, mrs. Thomas.

It's for raj and dee,
from my mama.

What is it?

A sweet potato pie

And most of a chicken.

[All]
most of a chicken?

Yeah. It's a long walk
over here.

Well, thanks, rerun.

Oh, that's very nice, rerun.
You know, I'd already made
a duck for them,

But you tell your mother
we appreciate it very much.

I sure will. And wait
till you taste this pie, too.

See how it's already cut.

That's what I got my mama
for christmas, a pie cutter.

See how easy
it comes out?

And see how easy
it goes in?

[Knocking on door]

Come in.

Hi, mrs. Thomas.
Merry christmas.
I'm glad I caught you.

Nice to see you, dwayne.
Uh, what's in the pot?

Oh, my mother sent over
a roast ham for raj and dee.

You know, so they'll have
something to nibble on
while you're at work.

Oh, thank you
very much, dwayne.

Ok, I'll just take
this stuff
right in the kitchen.

Hey, raj.

You get any great stuff
for christmas?

Oh, yeah. We got most
of a chicken
and half of a pie.

My mama sent over
a pie and a chicken.

Oh, well, all right, then.
Y'all gonna have a
party over here.

We sure will. And we've got
enough for tomorrow, too.

'Cause right after you left
my father came over
and invited me and dee

To his apartment
for christmas dinner.

So you won't be eating
dinner here?

That's right.

All right. And you won't
need all my pie.

Hey, that's great,
raj.

I'm glad
you think so.

Be quiet, dee.

Hey, raj, come here.

What is it?

I think
your mama's crying.

Huh?

[Knocking on door]

[Sighs]

Hey, merry christmas,
daddy.

Hey, son.
Hey, merry christmas, fellas.

[Dwayne]
merry christmas.

Dee, dee, I'm...

I'm sorry
I yelled at you,
yesterday.

It's ok.

[Laughs]

Well, hello there.

And merry
christmas, bill.

Merry christmas, mabel.

[Both laughing]

I'm sorry
you have to work,

But, to tell you the truth,
I'm glad that I have
the opportunity to

Spend the day
with the kids.

It's never been a real
christmas without 'em.

I know what you mean.

Christmas is never christmas
without children.

That's right.

Well,
shall we go?

You asking me?

No, I'm telling you.

And can I give you fellas
a lift somewhere?

Hey, yeah.

[Dwayne]
sure.

Well, get on
in the car.

Hey, bill...

Uh, yes?

Um, who's gonna be
at the dinner?

Oh, just roger,
dee and me...

Well, in that case, maybe--

And, of course,
loretta's gonna help me
with the cooking.

I--i mentioned her to you.

Mmm-hmm.

Why? Is there
something wrong, mabel?

Oh, no. Nothing.

You kids just run along
and try to have a good time
with your father.

I never could.

[Both laugh]

I'll see you, now.
I'll have them home early.

Ok.

Dee, give your mama
a kiss, bye-bye.

[Roger]
see you, mama.
Sorry you have to work.

Ok, baby.

Have a nice time with
your daddy, you hear?

Ok. 'Bye, mama.

'Bye, baby.

Have fun.

Drive carefully.

[Engine revving]

[Sneezing]

Ooh!

[Sniffing]

Hey, loretta,
here they are.
How is it going?

Hi, kids.
Oh, don't get too close.

Don't worry,
we won't.

[Sighs]

I can't get rid
of this cold.

Something wrong?

Something stinks.

I beg your pardon.

[Sniffling]

Loretta, I think
something's burning.

Oh, my goodness!

[Loretta]
oh, my goodness!

[Sighs]

Look, what I did.

That is the ugliest thing
I ever saw.

Oh, it's this cold.

Uh, my nose is stuffed up,
I lost track of the time,

And I ruined
everybody's christmas.

Oh, no, no you
didn't, honey--

Yes, I did.

Well, i, uh, I like
my turkey like that.

Uh-h, me, too. I love
my turkey well-done.

A-and so does dee.

Are you crazy, raj?

Oh, come on, honey.
Leave it, leave it,
leave it.

Hey, look, loretta, we don't
need anything fancy. Uh...

Let's just open
a can of something?

Yeah. Like some air wick.

Well, the first thing
we're gonna do is open
some of these windows, here.

And then, I'm gonna take you
all to a fine restaurant,

And you can order
anything you want.

Wait a minute, we don't
have to go to a restaurant.

We have a whole house
full of food.

We got duck, ham and chicken
all cooked and ready
to be eaten.

Are you putting me on?

No, daddy.

Rerun and dwayne
brought it over before they
knew we were coming here.

We were gonna eat that
when mama came home.

We couldn't eat
all of that.

So, how about it, daddy?
Should we go and get it?

Why not, why not?

We'll go and get the food,
and bring it back, hmm.

By then the smell
will be gone.

I ruined
everybody's
christmas!

I did!
I did!

Loretta, would you
stop it.

Yeah, it's really
getting on my nerves.

Daddy, daddy.
The door was
unlocked.

Well, maybe your mother
just left it open.

Mama never leaves
the door open.

Somebody's in here
ripping us off.

Maybe I better
check it out.

Shhh!

[Sneezes]

Cool it.

[Door opening]

[Door closing downstairs]

It's empty.
I'll check upstairs.

[Roger]
be careful.

[Bill screaming]

[Roger]
daddy, you ok?

Roger?

Bill!

Are you all right?

[Nasal voice]
I'm fine, mabel.
Just fine.

Thank you, lord,
for all this food,

And for all my good friends
who sent it over,

And thank you
for all my family,

And my new friend
who sent them over,
by burning her turkey.

[Sighs]

I feel very happy
right now.

Thank you. Amen.

[All]
amen.

Did anybody want to add
anything to that?

[Sneezes]

God bless you, honey.

[Roger]
bless you, loretta.

Thank you, thank you.
And mrs. Thomas--

Uh, no. Mabel.

Mabel. Thank you for
making me so comfortable
in your house.

Oh, darling.

Me, too, mabel.

[All laugh]

I just want to say this is
about the best christmas

I've had
in my whole life.

Yeah, and I would like
to thank everybody
for my christmas presents.

Oh, that's wonderful, dee.

But next year,
there better be a bike.

Pass the duck.

[Laughing]

Oh, mama,
I can't move.

Me, neither.

[Mabel]
dee?

Hmm?

What's the matter?

I think
I ate too much.

I would say 4 portions
of candied yams
is a little nuts.

Oh, roger, please,
don't mention nuts

Or no other
kind of food, ever.

[Knocking on door]

Come in.

Merry christmas, everybody.

[Roger]
hey, shirley.

[Bill]
shirley, merry christmas.

[Roger]
what'd santa claus
bring you?

I brought you over
one of my homemade
pumpkin pies.

Smell it.

[All groaning]

Gee, shirl, thanks,
but we couldn't eat
another thing.

We had, uh,
duck and ham...

I had the same thing,
plus...

Macaroni and cheese
and a large turkey pizza.

[Groans]

I'm gonna go
do the dishes.

Shirley, you don't mind
if we pass up the
pumpkin pie, do you?

Don't mind?
I'm thrilled.

And you know what else?
I had, for dessert,

This big old chunky
fudge cake...