A CASTLE IN THE CARPATHIANS
- There it is.
- Good. Stop the jeep.
It's better not to get too close
to the castle, Professor.
Did you set the charges?
Yes, our demolition team
just finished placing them.
A few minutes and the castle
will be nothing but rubble.
The perfect building site
for our new nuclear plant.
- I'll go detonate the charges.
- Yes.
Wait. Are you sure the
castle is abandoned?
We explored the entire
place, not a soul in sight.
UNCLE WAS A VAMPIRE
- Fritz!
- Coming.
- Here's the stamped bill.
- Alright.
The contents are invaluable. Keep it
upright, never topsy-turvy. Got it?
Don't worry, we'll
label it accordingly.
Remember, never expose it to broad
daylight. The damage would be irreparable.
No worries, the train will
pass under several tunnels.
As you can see, Baron, I did
everything in my power.
Always at your service, Baron.
Pardon? Oh, I see
what you mean.
It appears, though, that your only living
nephew is that Italian, Count Osvaldo.
I understand his castle isn't as
gloomy as the one that was destroyed.
Alas, I'm sure the
climate will suit you.
Everything's set for
your trip, at last.
May I k*ll myself now, Baron?
Thank you. My existence felt
truly abysmal, I must say.
That man threw himself
under the train!
- What?! Where?!
- There! Over there!
Here in my blue garden
I secretly nurture
these flowers I love
The roses I forgot, the
kisses you did not give,
And all those words
you didn't say.
Oh, my love,
say it with a flower and
seal it with a kiss.
Say it with a flower,
not with words.
Ask me if I'll
love you forever.
Every flower here will
say "Yes, she will."
I plant more roses than
words in your heart.
So, if you don't know how
to say that you love me,
just say it with a flower.
Are you coming or not, Baron?
What? Oh, right.
May we proceed?
Whatever.
Go on, start reading.
"It is agreed that I, Baron
Osvaldo Lambertenghi,
shall now cede my remaining part of the
castle to the Atlas Hotel Corporation.
Atlas is hereby represented
in the person of Mr. Fortini,
who'll now proceed to pay a
sum of eighty million lire."
Will you please sign these
two contracts, Baron?
Indeed I will.
The last two acts of this
tragedy I call life.
I bid thee farewell,
beloved ancestral castle!
You'll soon cease to be a
somber, venerated mansion.
Enjoy your new life as a
frivolous, touristy hotel.
And here's the signed check.
Pass it on to the lawyer, please.
Very well. Here.
Eighty million lire. It's valid.
This check will fully
cover your unpaid taxes.
Eighty million.
Everything's settled
then, Baron.
Well, "everything”
is a bit of a stretch.
- I'm not settled yet.
- Don't you worry about that.
Our director will
solve your conundrum.
Right.
Yes, alright.
As director of this hotel, I'm pleased to
offer you a position with the company.
A position worthy of your
importance, Baron, rest assured.
A bit tiring, perhaps,
but you'll manage.
"A position worthy of your
importance, Baron, rest assured.”
"A bit tiring, perhaps.”
Those people and their
stupid sense of humor!
- Bellhop! Guests arriving!
- Coming!
Welcome to our hotel.
- Good morning.
- Mornin'.
- I phoned from Milan to book a room.
- Mr. Visnaghi, I presume?
- Good guess.
- I'll go check your room immediately.
Yeah, go on.
Fancy place, isn't it, Carletta?
It just opened, you know.
It's a bona fide
medieval castle!
An authentic historical relic!
- You're gonna have a blast here!
- Yeah, you don't say.
Can't wait to play cards
with a bunch of ghosts.
Carla, don't be so
rude to your father.
You haven't said a word the whole
trip, and not a bite to eat either.
Just give me a break.
You keep tormenting
me all the time!
Checking what I eat and how long I sleep,
or how many times I speak, laugh, or cry!
Well, I'm sick of it!
And if you think staying here will make
me forget Victor, you're wrong.
You're both mistaken indeed.
I guess the heart wants
what it wants, huh?
You can say that again, sir.
The heart wants what it wants.
Mind your own business
and worry about our baggage.
- The nerve of some people!
- Unbelievable!
Let's go, Letizia.
I'm sorry but I
couldn't help it.
- You're so kind. Would you do me a favor?
- Sure.
Could you send this telegram?
- To your boyfriend?
- Yes.
- Take this.
- A Lambertenghi never accepts money.
- Consider me at your service, Miss.
- Well, as you wish.
- Thank you.
- My pleasure.
Bellhop!
- Bellhop!
- Silly me!
More guests arriving!
Get a move on!
Boy, we're sure
having a busy day.
Hey, bellhop!
Let's send all our
luggage upstairs pronto.
Let's take a nice nap after
this long trip, shall we?
With this lovely sun? Never! I'll be
snapping pictures left and right!
Yeah, I want to take
a lot of pictures too!
Shall we?
(speaking in a foreign language)
- Well, what's our game plan now?
- What do you mean?
- You're the one who found 'em.
- Sure I did!
- Did you tell 'em what this trip
is really about? - You bet.
Why are they so obsessed
with snapping pics, then?
They're models, pal. Northern
gals, what more can you ask for?
But Northern ladies are ice cold.
You sure they won't turn us down?
Those two? A few drinks
will melt the ice.
They're the kind of gals who
drink so much they see bats.
- Bats?
- That's what I said.
Two regular sponges. Be ready to
catch 'em once bats start flying.
This castle and its
atmosphere will be a plus!
Hey, listen, is this a quiet
place for a weekend vacation?
As quiet as can be.
Bellhop, over here!
Mr. Baron!
Mr. Baron!
Why are you dressed
like that, Mr. Baron?
Well, my dear Lillina, you can call me Mr.
Bellhop from now on.
No.
- Indeed.
- I'll never be able to, Mr. Baron.
You're not crying, are you?
- They fired me.
- Fired you?
Who did?
The director. He said one of the gardeners
on their payroll will take my place.
- That scoundrel! I'll show him a thing
or two! - No! Don't do anything crazy!
I should go.
There are many other
gardens in this world.
Other gardens, yes. But you,
Lillina, are a most unique gardener.
Your family tended to my castle's
flowers for many years.
Look, that's where your
great-grandfather planted the fir trees.
That's where your
grandfather planted the acacias.
And over there, your father, well,
complained about some unpaid wages.
He let it go, though, since
he was so fond of me.
Too many flowers and family
memories hold you here, Lillina.
I forgot to tell you
something important.
- This letter arrived for you, Baron.
- Thanks.
I got it from the
mailman at the gate.
Who could have written to me?
I paid all my taxes and debts.
No living family
members, either.
"My dear nephew..."
Wow, I thought my
relatives were all dead.
"Uncle Roderico..."
Roderico. Roderico.
Who could he be?
The letter was sent
from Bramfurten.
Yes, Roderico of Bramfurten!
From the Carpathians!
"My dear nephew, I've decided to
spend some time at your castle,
in order to finally meet my
only descendant and heir."
Heir?
Oh boy, I have a wealthy uncle!
- That's wonderful, Baron!
- Just call me Osvaldo, please.
- I can't, Baron.
- A wealthy uncle.
I'm so happy for you.
Be happy for both of us!
A rich uncle will give me the money to buy
the castle back! You won't have to leave!
You can stay and
tend my flowers.
I'd really like you to stay.
Wait, there's more.
"PS: I will
arrive at midnight.
My trunk will precede me.
Handle it with care.”
How does he already know
I've become a bellhop?
Word got out at lightning speed.
I wonder which one it is.
This one, maybe!
Who knows, it might be.
Let's see.
Wait, there's a label.
This is the one!
"From Roderico to Baron
Osvaldo Lambertenghi."
I better put this in my room,
out of the director's sight.
He could fire me for this.
Let's do it!
This place is so nice!
Those things over
there are nice, too!
- It looks so peculiar!
- So charmingly odd!
Stop it.
- What do you call this kind of room?
- Er... A crypt.
Tomb, if you wanna
make it simpler.
This revamped crypt
looks so nice.
Say, aren't you
afraid of this place?
- No.
- Not at all!
- Nope.
- We thought we could
smother you with hugs, ladies.
- Hands off.
- Don't even think about it.
(speaking in a foreign language)
So, what did you say about Northern
girls, bats, and ice-melting drinks?
They had four whiskeys
each and no bats in sight.
Relax and be patient, will ya?
It's only a matter of time.
You better get ready to
catch your prey, pal.
Bartender, four more whiskeys.
- Did the train from Germany come in?
- Yes.
That's odd, Uncle said he
would arrive at midnight.
What about the one
from the Carpathians?
Kid, I asked you a question.
Do me a favor and look it up.
Don't "kid" me.
You address me by my proper
title. Get that into your head!
I forgot circumstances forced
me to sink to your level.
- Gimme a break.
- Move it, guests ahoy!
Good evening.
I've just arrived
from Germany.
It was a dreadfully
long and tedious journey.
I need to rest. A
good night's sleep.
I've already sent my baggage.
Uncle!
Uncle Roderico!
At last! I've been
waiting for you, Uncle!
I'm Osvaldo. Your nephew Osvaldo!
You're insane!
You're talking nonsense! Shoo! Go away!
I don't have any nephews nor Osvaldos!
- Not even a tiny one?
- No!
- Aren't you Baron Roderico of Bramfurten?
- No!
I'm Professor Stricker!
- Of Bramfurten?
- No!
I'm Professor Stricker of
Dusseldorf University!
- Located near Bramburten?
- No!
We apologize for the
misunderstanding, Professor.
Get the professor's
luggage. Quick!
I'm sorry, but he said he came
from Germany. You did, right?
- Yes!
- German?
- Yes!
- See?
- I have this Hapsburg relative who...
- Enough! Bring the professor's luggage!
- I'll do it myself!
- He'll do it himself!
I have all my pajamas in here, and I
wish to sleep for eight days straight!
We've reserved a very peaceful room
for you, sir. Room 111, third floor.
- Good. Thanks.
- Accompany him to 111, please.
No need! I only want
to sleep in peace!
- Would you like a wake-up call?
- No!
Not!
And no means no!
What's the matter with you!?
It was an honest mistake!
I told you my Hapsburg uncle was supposed
to arrive today. He sent me a letter!
Any trains coming
from the Carpathians?
No more trains coming
after midnight!
Midnight.
It's midnight already and Uncle
Roderico hasn't arrived yet.
"I will arrive at midnight."
No trains from the
Carpathians, though.
He didn't come by car, either.
Boy, I don't even know what this
uncle looks like, Hapsburg or not.
I wish he included a photograph.
Guess I better get some sleep.
Oh boy!
Osvaldo. My dear nephew.
Uncle?
Uncle Roderico?
Is it you?
You gave me a bit of a scare, Uncle.
Only for a moment, though.
I mean, I came in here and found
myself face to face with a giant uncle.
How did you arrive?
That's a matter
of no importance.
Sure, I guess. Did you have a nice trip?
You look deathly pale.
That's not important.
Yeah, yeah.
But since you're my uncle and
all, I thought you'd be older.
I don't mean to pry,
but how old are you?
Very.
You look great, if you
don't mind me saying.
We have superior genes, you know.
It's a matter of good blood.
Did I say something
wrong, Uncle Roderico?
Yes.
I only said it's a
matter of blood.
Silence!
I didn't mean to offend you.
You're not very chatty, though.
Where am I going to rest?
Permission to speak, Uncle.
Well, maybe you didn't notice, but
things have changed around here.
I thought I could lend you
my bed for the time being.
What?
- Oh boy, here we go again.
- Yes.
I'm such a chump, I know. And my
bed's too short for you.
I mean, it's too long
for me but you...
Beggars can't be
choosers, Uncle.
You know nothing about my habits.
Yet.
We all have our habits, Uncle.
You can't imagine how many of my
own I had to lose, by the way.
There was a crypt
in this castle.
The family tomb.
But I can't let you
sleep in a tomb, Uncle.
Where is it?
The crypt?
It's not a crypt anymore. They
transformed it into a bar.
Into a what!?
A bar, Uncle. I've been trying to tell
you things have changed around here!
I wish it was only the
crypt, believe me.
It's only the crypt
that interests me.
I don't get what
you mean, Uncle.
Why are you changing the
subject from beds to crypts?
Come here.
- I'm staying here.
- You must help me.
You're the last surviving
member of the family.
Yeah, yeah, I'm here
to help you, Uncle.
As long as it's not cash. I'm broke.
That's the only
thing I don't need.
Allow me to breathe a
sigh of relief, then.
- My money situation is beyond terrible.
- Not as bad as my current state.
Hey, I had to sell this castle and
watch them turn it into a hotel!
Did they keep the crypt?
Boy, you're obsessed
with that crypt!
Listen, I promise you'll
have a good time here.
I only need to quench my thirst.
No problem! I had the good sense to put
away a few bottles for old times' sake!
I've got cognac, whiskey, premium
vodka, rosolio, maraschino.
A nice selection to dust off
for a special occasion!
And I'm sure our reunion
is special enough.
- We're having so much fun!
- You betchal
I kept a few good habits,
despite the sorry state I'm in.
What's wrong, Uncle?
Uncle?
Are you crazy? Don't
k*ll yourself!
What's the matter with you?
Where are you going?
Uncle, wait!
A coffin?
A coffin.
What's he doing with
a coffin in a trunk?
I thought this thing was
full of gold and jewels.
He's a m*rder*r.
He's raveling
with a dead body.
Great, a cuckoo uncle wandering around
the castle and a dead body in my room.
I gotta open it.
I gotta see what's inside.
How do you open a coffin anyway?
I'm so scared.
Hey, it's open.
No body in here.
What's this?
"The book of Baron Roderico."
It's handwritten.
It must be a diary.
"I am a vampire."
Vampire.
My uncle's a vampire.
He's the dead one!
The body was his.
Oh boy, if the director finds out I have
an undead uncle on the premises.
This explains the
ghostly complexion.
I've got to find him.
I've got to find him
before it's too late.
I must, at all costs.
You Italians just can't
hold your liquor!
Look at the state you're in! But no,
you just wanted to drink and drink!
They're hammered, but they
think we're the drunk ones!
There's a reason why we offered
you 80 many drinks, ladies!
- Can you see 'em, girls?
- What are you talking about?
Over there! I saw something
that looked like a shadow!
Yes! It looked like a giant bat!
What did I tell you?
Get ready!
- What's the matter with you!?
- Take your hands off me!
You're drunk!
You better leave us alone
or we'll call the police!
They saw a bat, though.
Uncle Roderico?
Where the heck can he be?
He's gonna get me in trouble.
This diary would help me,
if only I could read it!
This stupid thing
is all in German.
I need to find someone
who knows German.
Easier said than done, though.
Wait a second! The professor!
What's going on in here?
- Answer me!
- It's one of Victor's records.
May I listen to his
voice, at least?
Absolutely not!
You better forget about that fool
foolishly singing those foolish songs!
Fool, fool, fool. You're
like a broken record.
You think everything
I do is foolish.
And that includes all
the guys I like!
Stay awake, the good bit is coming!
Keep translating!
No, no, no, I want
to go back to sleep!
You'll sleep later! Please, it's
a matter of utmost importance!
So, the bit you've
translated is about
vampires' incredible strength
and fearless attitude, right?
- Yes, indeed.
- Goon.
It says that vampires
fear crosses.
Only a cross can drive
them away for good.
Well, that's something.
What type of cross?
What type? You must tell me!
No! I refuse to tell you!
Victor isn't penniless,
and he loves me!
He'll do everything in
his power to marry me!
Is that so? Tell that pretty boy of yours
to get ready to have his head bashed in!
I really mean it! If I catch him
around you he's gonna get it!
I'll bash his head in,
you got that right!
You better be ready to marry
a guy with a broken head!
See if there's actually anything
inside, while you're at it!
Are you certain that when the c*ck crows
all vampires return to their lairs?
Yes.
- So all we need to neutralize
him is a cross. - Yes.
- Then some garlic.
- Yes.
- And driving a stake through his
heart to destroy him. - Yes.
So much to do before the c*ck
crows. Well, I must be going.
Any specific type of c*ck, sir?
- A moment.
- Yes.
- Please.
- Is it a c*ck?
- Open it, please.
- Certainly.
- Get out.
- Right away, sir.
So... Cross, garlic,
stakes, and a c*ck.
Cross, garlic, stakes, c*ck.
Good night.
- Hello?
- Hello? Director?
Your bellhop came to torment me.
He forced me to stay awake!
He what? Oh, the short
bellhop, right.
I'm truly sorry, sir.
It won't happen again. I'll see
that he's punished immediately.
Good night. Good night, sir.
That son of a...
I know you'll soon
be here, Uncle.
Your loving nephew Osvaldo will give you
a garlic cure that'll drive you crazy.
Garlicky brew for
a vampirey mug.
That'll show you.
You'll think twice
before tricking
your dear nephew again.
What's the matter with
you, you little punk?
I'm sorry, Director! I
thought you were...
Cut it out with the buffoonery!
Who did you think I was?
The place is crawling
with insects.
I'll show you the difference between
insects and your director, you fool!
- I'll teach you not to bother
guests at night! - Wait!
I'll make you work so hard you won't even
think about wandering around at night!
- Director, let me explain.
- Tomorrow you'll see!
It's all your fault, Uncle!
Director!
Director!
Please, be reasonable! What's the
point in removing these weeds?
Mother Nature put them
here herself, after all!
Even Mother Nature
can make mistakes.
You were born a baron and
lived here all your life,
yet you ended up a bellhop!
Shut up and pull those weeds!
Sir, I can't stay like this!
Things can take a plunge
to the bottom any minute!
I'm also dealing with a
family tragedy, you know!
I've lost my uncle, and only by
finding him can I save us all!
What has your uncle's
death got to do with the hotel?
I'm not paying for any funerals!
Get back to work and
quit complaining!
Director, wait!
Don't leave me like this!
Director!
Funerals! That guy is
a real piece of work.
The undead travel by train with their
coffins for luggage, let me tell you!
- And they suddenly pop up at your...
- Baron!
- Baron!
- Yes?
The director has just left!
Thank god you're here, Lillina!
- Pull me up!
- Yes!
- Come on! I need some help here!
- Don't let go!
Watch out!
Pull! Keep pulling!
- Almost there!
- Pull
There.
Thanks.
Thank you, Lillina.
You saved me.
That dumb director with his
boot-shaped nose! I'll show him!
Oh boy, I will.
Thanks again, Lillina.
You're so beautiful.
So very beautiful.
You really make my heart sing.
I like you so much that...
Hey, wait a second.
If I find you so pretty, then my
uncle might also be attracted to you.
- Did your uncle arrive last night, Baron?
- Yes, he did.
- He's here, alright.
- I'd love to meet him!
- Where is he now?
- Where, you ask? I wonder myself.
He didn't go to bed last night.
What? I thought he was dead
tired after the long trip.
Tired? Hah! You don't
know the half of it, my dear.
That man's Satan in the flesh.
Satan in the flesh.
Let's go get some garlic.
What? Garlic?
Why are you hanging all that
garlic on the window, Baron?
Trust me!
It's both an ornamental
and precautionary reason.
I find flowers more fashionable
than garlic, to be honest.
Garlic brings good luck!
It protects against the evil eye!
Don't forget you live all alone
and helpless in this house.
Trust me, Lillina, one can
never take too many precautions.
- I don't understand.
- But I do!
You know what, Lillina, I think you
should wear this around your neck.
It's a Hawaiian custom.
A garlic necklace?
I wish I could give you jewels,
but it's the thought that counts.
Promise me you'll never
take it off, Lillina.
Something to remember me by!
- It seems a bit strange.
- Strange? It's the best I could do!
I would cover you with
riches, but alas
garlic's the best
I can afford now.
There.
Baron, what are you doing?
Don't worry, I
read it in a book.
You wouldn't believe how
good garlic is for the skin!
Baron, I fear your recent misadventures
might have taken a toll on you!
No, no, I assure you
my nerves are fine.
We all have a cross
to bear, after all.
And speaking of crosses,
we both have one, see?
- Alas, we all do.
- You're getting my walls all dirty!
Wait, let me finish.
Yes, yes. Pretty as a picture.
I'm going to give Uncle
a nasty surprise.
I'll try to find him immediately,
as a matter of fact.
Be good, Lillina,
I'm begging you.
Please, don't remove the
crosses or the garlic.
I'll be right back.
Poor Mr. Baron.
He's gone crazy.
- Give us a chance to explain!
- Leave us alone!
We don't like men
who behave like brutes!
- We like romantic men!
- Yeah!
We're a couple of
big lovey-doveys!
It's all his fault.
He wanted to drink!
Is that so?
Shall we forgive them, Susan?
What do you think?
Why not?
- Let's go swimming!
- I'll take the boat!
We're finally reunited.
- I got your telegram. What did
you want to tell me? - Nothing, dear.
I just wanted to see you.
Last night, Dad lashed out at me because
I was listening to one of your records.
I'm sorry, but what can
we do to fix this?
I'm fed up, Victor.
Fed up with my father and
all the sneaking around.
Why don't we leave
for good, darling?
Please.
Are you nuts? Have you
considered the consequences?
We can't go on
like this forever.
It's the only way,
Victor, believe me.
Let's run away.
Maybe even tonight.
Your father would never stand for it.
He'll call the police, create a scandal!
I already covered that. Don't worry,
nothing will ever tear us apart.
I know you're hiding
in there, Uncle.
It's curtains for you.
Amilcare?
Room 111 is calling
for his beer.
Well, tell the guest
to ask the waiter.
I'm only a bartender.
Fair enough. I'll bring it to him.
The guy in 111 is a huge
tipper, you know.
Yesterday I brought up his
suitcase and he tipped me a fiver.
And another fiver for
closing his shutters.
Helped him make a phone
call, he gave me a tenner.
- Gimme the tray, come on. - Leave it
to me and stick to being a bellhop.
Why, I thought that...
There you are.
I knew it.
Boy, you look pretty scary.
Look at him, sleeping
like a baby devil.
To k*ll a vampire, one must drive
a stake through their heart.
I'm sorry, Uncle, but I'm
calling the stakes here.
We'll serve dinner out on the terrace
tonight. Make sure everything's ready.
Very well, Director.
Go see if the guests by the
pool want any drinks, chop chop.
Wait a minute.
What are you doing
behind the bar?
It's very hot today. I
only wanted a drink.
Oh, really? You came to the hotel
bar to quench your thirst?
Well, it makes sense.
What else would you do in a bar?
Drinks are for guests,
not for bellhops! Out!
- Back to those weeds, shoo!
- I...
- If I see you again down here, you can
consider yourself fired! - Yeah, ...
- Your beer, sir.
- What beer?
I don't want any beer!
I only want to sleep!
Sleep , damn it!
Stop waking me
up, blast you all!
No.
He went out.
Good evening, dear nephew.
G-g-good evening, Uncle.
What have you got in your hands?
Oh, that's my wedge.
I'm a sculptor and wanted to use
this marble for, er... Never mind.
Liar!
You're lying.
You had a very different plan.
You have discovered my secret.
There is only one
way to silence you.
Mercy, please!
I'm your relative, after all.
You can't k*ll a
relative, you know.
I'm not going to k*ll you.
Hooray.
I'll do worse.
I'll do to you what Aginulfo
of Bramfurten did to me
400 years ago.
And, er... What did Aginulfo of
Bramfurten do to you 400 years ago?
It was a dark, stormy night.
I went down to the cellar
for a bottle of Rhine wine.
I opened the door, and I saw...
- Aginulfo of Bramfurten.
- No.
A flash of lightning
illuminated the cellar.
- Then, I saw something by a grate.
- Aginulfo of Bramfurten?
No.
I saw a cat.
A black cat.
It ran away from me, letting
out crazed, feral meows.
I sensed a presence behind me.
And then I saw...
Aginulfo of Bramfurten.
- Yes.
- At last.
Yes.
But it was not he.
Who was it then?
It was a vampire.
The first in our family.
Look.
A bite.
It only took one bite.
No.
One bite to pass
this curse on to you.
I'm weary.
So weary of aimlessly wandering
from one castle to another.
From one tomb to another.
And now,
now I will turn you
into a living vampire.
And now,
now I will finally
rest in peace.
Like all other mortals.
To bite or not to bite?
To bite, definitely.
I've got to put these cute
fangs to some use, after all.
Oh boy, I'm gonna treat myself
to a lot of vampiric fun.
I'm gonna have a little bloodsucking
action with a few blondes and brunettes!
And soar the skies as a bat!
Fly, yes.
Fly every night under the
beautiful moonlight.
Oh boy, I almost forgot about the
whole sleeping-in-a-coffin part.
That's right.
My expertise in crypts and
tombs will skyrocket.
I'm going to get acquainted
with plenty of undertakers and bats.
I'll suck necks dry like
there's no tomorrow.
Shut up, stupid owl.
Worry about your own predators.
Boy, I feel great.
This transformation did
wonders to my hairdo.
The cape's pretty stylish, too.
These long fangs of mine
are the cutest ever!
Sure, I may look a little pale.
And too bad my legs
didn't get any longer.
Oh, well.
Look at these flowers.
The gleam in my eye tells
I'm scheming something.
Wanna know more about
my nefarious plan?
I'm off to give Lillina a
touch of the old fangs.
Who's the jerk who dared
put garlic on her door?
Wait, now I remember.
It was you! Stupid romantic Osvaldo,
how am I supposed to meet Lillina now?
I could punch myself!
What? Come again?
Lillina is as pure as a lily.
She's not to be touched!
Yeah, yeah, save the romantic crap
for daytime, you little chump!
The champion of chumps! No wonder
they took your castle away.
I'm done talking to myself!
Hey, maybe this garlic
thing is just a big hoax.
I'm going in.
The girl with the
urgent telegram.
I'll give her an urgent bite.
Carla!
Carla, what are you doing?
Why are you still up?
Why are you wearing that dress?
Nothing. I was just trying it out.
It's new.
With the door wide open?
Well, it was pretty
stuffy in here.
Up to no good as usual, huh?
And always carrying that
imbecile's picture around!
- You're waiting for him to call, I bet.
- No, Mom, I swear.
No, huh? I'll pretend
to believe you.
You know what? Take your nightgown
and go sleep in my bedroom.
I'm staying right here tonight.
And if that idiot calls, I'll
tell him a thing or two!
Go on now!
- Go on.
- All right, Mom.
- I'll do as you wish. Good night.
- Right, good night.
And tomorrow me and your father
will give you a good talking to!
- Who goes there?
- A friendly face.
You're a fantastic biter.
Well, in Bramfurten, we have a
400-year history of biting people's necks.
- Keep biting me.
- Bite you again?
- Yes.
- Drinking the nectar of lust, are we?
Oh, yes.
More.
Hold on a second.
Oh no, I got the wrong neck.
More!
An ugly neck!
I want more! Don't go!
Where are you?
Where are you? Come to me!
Sorry I'm late, but I
couldn't get rid of Mom.
- I thought you'd never make .
- I'm here, though.
- Let's go!
- Wait.
You realize what
you're about to do?
Of course I do.
You won't regret it?
I love you.
Carla!
- Where are you going?
- Well, I...
We...
- Listen, Mom, I was...
- Running away, weren't you?
Oh, yes.
It's only natural.
And I understand.
The heart wants what it wants.
Why complicate things? You can express your
love for each other in broad daylight!
Mom, I don't understand.
Only a minute ago you said...
Dad will be against it anyway.
Dad...
Your dad. Right.
Don't worry about him.
I'll convince him.
We all deserve a little
love in our life.
Go back to your room now.
Everything will
work out tomorrow.
- How happy you'll be.
- You really mean it?
- Of course, dear.
- Thank you, Mom!
I knew you'd understand!
- Madam, I...
- Go now.
Go back to your room.
- It's time to rest.
- Okay.
I'll leave the door open.
- Don't keep me waiting.
- I won't, honey.
Susan? Come on
upstairs, it's late.
Yeah, right away.
- I'll be waiting.
- Yes.
Bye.
(speaking in a foreign language)
Well, we did it.
Romance trumps bats any day.
(speaking in a foreign language)
- Sit down, dear.
- What's gotten into you!?
Nino, allow me to introduce you to
Victor, our daughter's boyfriend.
Have you gone nuts?
Perhaps, but it's such
a sweet madness.
How I wish everyone could
feel as marvelous as I do.
You're drunk, Letizia! You had
one too many this morning!
- And you get out of my sight!
- Sit.
- Sit here, near your loving mother in law.
- Loving what?
We've been unhappily
married for years, Nino,
and if you don't listen
I'll dump you on the spot.
This young man will marry
Carla as soon as possible.
Fat chance!
We both agreed to hate this guy and
now you want him to marry Carla?
- Him, a two-bit crooner.
- Hey, I'm a legit artist.
- Drop the act, you clown!
- Let him speak!
Tell him who I am!
He has a lover's courage!
And he'll fight for
the love of his life.
You're quite sure there's nothing
wrong with you, darling?
I'm grand.
Never felt so great
in my whole life.
This gorgeous location has an
almost magical charm to it.
Oh boy!
Oh God!
I slept in Uncle's coffin!
Where did he spend
the night, then?
I'm wearing his cape.
What's it doing here?
Think straight.
Now focus and recap.
Vampire-hunting trip with
my trusty hammer and stake.
Yep, I remember that perfectly.
No doubts on that, none at all.
Then I heard his booming voice.
I turned and behind me stood...
And there was the
vampire, right.
Yes, now I really remember.
That traitorous relative
bit me on the neck.
It really sucks to have Uncle
Roderico's bite marks on my neck.
He even looked pretty,
er, fanged-up when he bit me.
Should I get a rabies shot?
Not that I'm comparing
Uncle to some mad dog.
Yeah, he's definitely worse! An
anti-vampire shot, that's what I need.
What did I do then?
What did I do after he
turned me into a vampire?
My mind's drawing a blank.
I waited all night long like a
fool and she never showed up!
I had it worse, pal.
I wandered around the hallways
in my pajamas until dawn.
You too? We gotta do something! Don't
forget we're spending a fortune here!
Hey, it's you who approached
those Northern gals!
So what?
- Kay!
- Susan, darling!
- What is it?
- We gotta set things straight.
We want to clear things up.
We have nothing to
say to each other.
Not anymore.
Just leave us alone.
Where could he be now?
- Do you crave him?
- Like crazy!
He makes me despise
all other men!
Shoo, leave us alone.
- Good morning.
- Wait!
Yes, Miss?
You...
- You mean me, Miss?
- Yes.
Another telegram, I presume?
If my father found out,
it would be a tragedy.
You can count on my
discretion, Miss.
But make sure to keep the telegrams
out of your father's sight.
What a thing to say.
I would give my life for you.
- You're making a mistake.
- Resisting you would be a mistake.
I know who you really are.
Oh, I get it now. I guess you
also know I owned this place.
You sensed the regality under
these humble clothes.
- I know everything.
- Everything?
- Come. Come with me.
- Where to?
Where nobody can see us.
I want to show you the same
passion you taught me last night.
- Last night?
- Yes.
Come!
Hey, stop being so bitey!
Yes. Like you taught
me last night.
Look.
This means that ...
- Excuse me, I must go.
- You can't!
I need to visit the man who can
help me get to the bottom of this!
- But I'm the one who needs you now!
- Please, no more bites!
- I need more!
- Well, it's not like I said no.
I didn't say no.
- Tell you what, let's have a
mutual biting exchange. - Oh yes.
- Okay?
- Yes.
Just stand here and
close your pretty eyes.
- You ready?
- Yes.
I'm ready.
For the millionth time, Letizia, I'm not
interested in talking to this guy!
If you're worried about my income, I
assure you I make good money.
You? Good money?
You and your sappy songs
can go ride a horse.
It's your right not to like them, but
they made me into a millionaire.
Millionaire?
Yeah, I'm making more than half a million
a day with my new hit, "Calypso b*mbos."
Pardon me? Can you
repeat that?
More than half a million a day.
Half a million?
- Hey, you.
- Yeah?
- Have you seen the German professor?
- He's napping on a dinghy.
- Ah.
- Where are you going?
- To the professor.
- I wouldn't. He wants to sleep in peace.
It's always the
same with that guy.
- Professor!
- What the hell?
- Wakey wakey, Professor!
- It's you again!
Calm down and relax, Professor.
I need you once more.
Stay sill and don't
rock it. I can't swim!
Calm down already, I
can swim for both of us!
You keep tormenting
me, blast it!
I feel the urge to
m*rder you on the spot!
- Where did I put my revolver?
- Don't get mad, please.
I solemnly swear I won't
bother you anymore.
I just need to know what happens
if you get bitten by a vampire.
- Tell me and I'll personally fetch your
p*stol. - Always with the vampires!
- I've had it with them! - I need to
know, I'm begging you! Read the passage.
- Translate it.
- No!
No, I said! And no means no!
- You almost convinced me, young man.
- You'll let Carla marry a crooner like me?
Well, I didn't know crooning
was so lucrative nowadays.
There must be a passage
on living vampires.
- Here.
- Here?
And I won't translate it.
I'm done with you!
- Is that how you really feel?
- Yes!
Say goodbye to
your dinghy, then!
- No!
- I'll pull the plug! I swear I will
- No! Don't! Stop!
- Nothing can stop me!
Have mercy, don't pull the plug!
- I'll translate!
- Sure you will!
Do it.
"The bite of a living vampire makes
a vampire out of the victim."
My suspicions were right.
"A living vampire goes out at night,
roaming around in search of victims.
The victims submit themselves
to the fanged predator.
During the day, a living vampire has no
recollection of what they have done."
- That's it?
- That's it!
Thanks.
- Thanks, dear Professor!
- Go to hell!
- Bye bye!
- Bye to you!
Oh boy!
- Hit
- Hello.
- Remember me?
- Nope!
But I can make a wild guess!
Why did you run away so
suddenly last night?
- I've been chasing you all morning.
- Oh boy, here we go again.
- We need to talk.
- No, we don't.
No way I'm going
near another biter!
- Yes, you taught me well!
- Right, right.
- Come, let's find a cabin.
- Aren't you scared of peeping toms?
You're right, we need
something more private.
Come visit me tonight! Tomorrow!
Every night!
You got a night watchman job?
Just give me a little bite!
Underwater!
- No! Not underwater!
- Yes!
From night watchman
to scuba diver.
Let's not rush it. I'll come visit
you tonight, tomorrow, every night!
Please, just one tiny bite!
No way! My cute little
fangs could get tarnished!
- So long, doll!
- No, wait!
- Let me help you.
- Thanks.
I've been waiting for you
since our last encounter.
Her, too!? Man, I
was on a roll last night!
- Swinging through every window like a fly.
- Oh yes, you swung in like an angel!
- More like a bat.
- I've finally found you.
- Oh no, another one.
- Scram, he's mine!
No way, he's mine!
You scram!
Don't get so worked up. If the director
finds out, he'll have my head for this.
- No, don't go!
- Bye, girls! See you later, I guess!
(speaking in a foreign language)
- Who did it? Confess!
- It wasn't you, that's for sure.
You were sleeping like a baby.
So you have another man!
He's something more than a man.
Much, much more.
You've been acting
crazy since last night!
- What a wonderful time we had.
- But I got stuck inside the bathroom!
- Leave me alone, I said.
- Guendalina!
- You better talk!
- Go away, you brute.
I'm a brute? So why did you let
someone bite your neck? Look at you!
- This doesn't concern you.
- Is that so?
Carla, my love! Your
dad gave his consent!
Huh? For what?
Oh, don't play naive
with me, dear.
The time for subterfuge
has passed.
What are you talking about?
- What?
- Our marriage, of course!
- What marriage?
- Your marriage with Victor, obviously!
Oh, that one.
Victor.
Now I remember.
Poor Victor.
Do you still want to marry me?
Alas, I don't love you anymore.
- What are you talking about?
- I love another man.
- What?
- That's preposterous!
You hear all that
nonsense, Letizia?
- She keeps changing her mind!
- I don't care.
Besides, it's time for me to tell
you that I also love another man.
What?
You've all gone crazy!
Lillina! Put that paintbrush down!
Stop painting!
Good morning, Baron.
What's the matter with you!?
Leave those crosses alone
and come here immediately!
For the love of...
Let me take a good sniff.
You threw the garlic
away, didn't you?
I see. That's the way you
keep your promises, huh?
I want to do as you wish,
Baron, but that was too much!
Those crosses really spoiled
the look, you know!
Please, Lillina, listen to me. Put
some garlic and a couple crosses back.
I don't want to.
It's just too crazy.
A little garlic and one
cross, at least!
Very well.
You're fired!
I want you off
these premises!
- But why, Baron? Why?
- You're out.
I want you to leave
these grounds today.
Pack up and go before midnight, to a
place so far away I'll never see you again.
I'm officially turning
my back on you, see?
- I see.
- Go on!
- Yes. I shall go.
- Shoo!
You'll never see me again!
Listen, I...
Lillina?
Lillina!
Poor Lillina.
All she had to do was keep
a little garlic and one cross.
So beautiful, yet so stubborn.
Gentlemen, I know times are tough but
let's not get carried away here.
Vampires do not exist!
- Then explain this diary!
- What diary?
Look at the title. It's in German, but
we all know what "vampire" means.
I found it in the
professor's dinghy.
He's the only man who can help
us solve this mystery. Let's go!
Professor?
What's going on?
Could you tell us why you
had this book with you?
This blasted book again!
It's driving me insane!
The short bellhop is tormenting me! When
I'm in bed, when I'm in dinghy, always!
I'm not even a scholar
of vampirism!
I majored in Greek
literature, blast it!
Aeschylus! Sophocles! Euripides!
Menander!
It's an outrage! All the
guests are furious!
You should have told us the
castle was infested with a vampire!
You're nothing but a conman!
It's not true! When you
bought it from me,
there were only a few lizards and a
couple c*ck, but no vampires!
And how do you explain all
those vampirized women, then?
Forty-two women with
bites on their necks!
Forty-two? I thought
thirty-two at most!
Enough! You either tell us where you hid
this vampire or I'm suing you for fraud!
You'll rot in prison!
I didn't commit any fraud, sir.
Since you don't believe
me, I'm leaving.
- Cut it out already!
- As far away from this castle as I can!!
It's a win-win situation
for everyone, believe me.
No way! You're staying here until
this bloodsucker is disposed of!
Try to see my point, Director. If I
leave, the vampire might follow.
You don't know how
their minds work.
And what do you know about them?
I'm no expert, but
my plan's worth a try.
And we should
try it. Immediately.
Now listen.
I'll leave the castle, then keep you in the
loop as I monitor the situation from afar.
- Off I go!
- Cut out the comedy act!
You won't leave the castle until
we've taken care of this vampire!
See anything suspicious?
Not yet, but better
keep an eye out!
Good man, I'll take this floor.
- Need some of my garlic, Colonel?
- Save it for your supper, mister!
I'm sticking to
something more solid!
- What are you doing?
- Nothing.
Trying to make a run for it?
Please, Director, let me leave. I
have an appointment at midnight.
Your only appointment
is with us!
Let's go, move it. We've got
to hunt this vampire down.
Let me go or the consequences
could be terrible for all of us!
Quit whining! We're going
on a vampire hunt together!
- Now follow me!
- Very well.
Well, it figures.
Well? What's keeping you?
Y-y-you.
You.
You're the vampire.
That's Mr. Vampire to you.
- Do it!
- Yessir.
Yes, yes, as you wish.
Yes, Mr. Vampire.
That's better.
No! Have mercy on me!
Don't bite me, I beg you!
Me? Bite you? Gimme a break!
With that boot-shaped
nose of yours?
- I loathe you.
- Thanks, much appreciated!
My pleasure.
I'm not going to bite
you, rest assured.
You kinda bother me, though.
You get even more annoying
during nighttime, imagine that.
Are you really the
director of this hotel?
- Yes, yes I am.
- No!
- No! No! No!
- Nope.
You're not the director, then.
- You know your way around this castle?
- Yes?
- No, you don't!
- No, I don't!
You don't know one bit
about this castle.
But I do.
Come with me, you big bully.
Come with me.
Getting scared, huh?
You think you know this
castle, don't you?
You know about this lion, then?
- Yes?
- No!
- No! Nope!
Guess what it is.
Actually, allow me to show you.
Consider yourself lucky there are
no crocodiles down there anymore.
So long, Director!
- Hurry up!
- Calm down.
Calm down? It's
midnight already!
We better make a run for it!
We'd look like a pair of
cowards if anybody walked in.
Feel free to stay behind with the
vampire and the Northern gals!
Oh God!
Is he behind me?
Quit acting like a
fool, you coward!
That's what I call
a withering stare.
Next time I might
even k*ll them.
We searched the whole place!
No sign up there either!
There they are!
His first victims.
He must have gone this way.
See to them while I
take a look around!
I think he's hiding in
one of these rooms.
- Let's search them, sir.
- What's the use, old boy?
What good did all
our searching do?
I'm convinced this vampire
story is just a big, fat hoax!
Then explain Carla's change in behavior
and the bite marks on her neck!
This vampire exists, and
I'm gonna find him!
Yeah, yeah, but I'm like whatshisname...
Saint Thomas. I've gotta see to believe!
Besides, if this so-called
vampire dares to come at me,
rest assured I'll show
him a thing or two!
- Sir?
- Yes?
What would you do if
he dared come at you?
- What would I do?
- Yes.
I'll give him a
proper slap.
Help! Help me!
- Help!
- What happened?
I need help!
Victor!
There!
He's there! Behind the painting!
The vampire! The vampire!
- There's nothing there.
- He's not in there?
- Maybe you hallucinated.
- I saw him! My damn mind is still sound!
I saw him!
There he is!
What now? Can't I get a minute
of sleep in this cursed hotel?
Nope. The place is
chock-full of vampires.
Get that into your
head, you fool.
You? You're the vampire! The
short bellhop is a vampire?
- I'm going mad! Totally insane!
- Bye, dear Professor.
- Where's the vampire?
- He went that way! Hurry!
- Over there!
- Let's get him!
- He's running towards the park!
- After him, quick!
Lillina.
What do you want
at this hour, Baron?
Take a guess.
I have no idea.
You sent me away. I can't imagine
what else you could possibly want.
I want you to stay.
I acted like a fool yesterday.
Your place is here.
Close to me.
I want you very close to me.
You've changed your mind, then?
Did you really believe I could
go on living without my Lillina?
Oh, Baron!
Thank you!
Thank you, Baron!
Do you feel okay?
Damn him.
He let someone kiss him.
- This way!
- It's the only house in the area!
- He must be hiding in there!
- Let's search it!
- Open up!
- Open the door!
What are those people up to?
Don't worry about them, just tell
me what happened after I got here.
- You don't remember?
- No.
You said you didn't want
me to go away anymore.
That's all?
- Why are they shouting like that?
- They're looking for me.
- You?
- Yes.
I'll explain everything,
but now isn't the time.
- Use the door in the back!
- I know. Thanks, Lillina.
- Let's kick the door down!
- Open up, damn it!
- Open the door!
- Wait! There he is!
- Hurry!
- Let's catch him!
- After him!
- Stop!
I can't take this anymore!
There, look!
- He's in here!
- There he is!
- Cornered, at last!
- Your time's up, bloodsucker!
- Prepare to get staked!
- A fitting end for a vampire!
Gentlemen! One moment, please.
Calm down, everybody.
You're all spouting a bunch of
nonsense, if you don't mind me saying.
Incredibly absurd
nonsense at that.
Did I actually hear somebody
mention vampires?
There's one right here.
Why, gentlemen, if this fellow here is
a vampire, then I must be one as well.
- Well put.
- Be quiet, you!
Remember your place.
You actually believe that this sorry
excuse of a man could be a vampire?
We saw him flying off
walls just like a bat.
And I saw his
vampire teeth, sir!
Vampire's fangs? Oh, come on.
- The only vampire here is...
- Enough!
Surely you're not going to accuse
him based on this evidence, right?
He hypnotized our wives!
And they all have his bite
marks on their necks.
What's all this commotion
about, Victor?
Why aren't you in bed, dear?
Bite marks on their
necks, you said?
I don't see anything.
Marks? What is he talking about?
He's right, I can't
see anything.
How could I allow anyone to
bite me on the neck, dear?
Did we all experience a
big hallucination, Carla?
I don't know what you're
talking about, Victor.
Care to explain what's going on?
I thought I had
bitten them both.
They told me themselves.
You don't remember anything?
Do you still want to marry me?
Of course, dear.
Why even ask such
a foolish question?
You know how much I love you.
But you said you were in
love with someone else.
Victor, it must have
been a bad dream.
Carla, shall we go back to bed?
I'm terribly sleepy.
- Good night, dear.
- Good night, darling.
Quit this tomfoolery
and go back to bed.
I don't know what's going on.
It's just like I said, this vampire
thing is a lot of hogwash.
But didn't you see him yourself?
It's my blood pressure, dear Victor.
It keeps playing tricks on me!
I remember when I was in Montecatini, I
thought I saw a whale sleeping in my bed!
Then I realized I was
sleeping next to a mirror!
- Nice story, sir.
- You can say that again!
- But I'm sure I saw him!
- Yeah, he's right!
- We all saw him!
- Yeah, we all did! They had bite marks!
Are you surprised?
Strange. You should be surprised you
actually believed such ridiculous stories.
It's 1959, after all.
How can someone still believe
in the existence of vampires?
Real vampires?
Absolutely ridiculous!
It's just a bunch of
superstitious nonsense.
Why did this man run
away from us, then?
And why did he wear this cape?
Not the cloak again, please!
A bunch of childish
superstitions, I say!
Sir, I'm surprised at you. Do you
believe that witches exist, too?
They do not, of course!
Do they actually exist?
I'm convinced you're all victims
of a collective hallucination.
Emphasis on "collective.”
He's right.
- Let's go, dear.
- All's well that ends well.
- I really thought I saw him!
- Same here!
Thank you for calming my guests.
I owe you one.
He's my uncle.
From the Hapsburg
side of the family.
We're grateful to both of you.
- You're welcome.
- There he is! The vampire!
He's the one! k*ll him!
He's the vampire!
He's the vampire! Look what he did to me!
He's the one!
Now we know who started
this vampire story!
Look at the state he's in,
trying to scare us all!
- I saw his mouth! Those tiny vampire
fangs! - You're talking nonsense!
He's gone mad! Have a good look
and tell me if you can see any fangs!
Have a good look, gentlemen.
- I know what I saw!
- Nuts, I tell you.
Get out of here! And take
your disgraceful lies with you!
That will teach you not to
insult the good name of this hotel!
Kick that clown out of here!
Capes do not a vampire
make, you lying fool!
What is the world coming to?
We live in a free country!
Oh, yes!
Capes, coffins, and fangs are
all constitutional rights!
Stop discriminating
against coffin owners!
Vampires don't exist, right?
Even though you, er...
own a coffin.
Yes, they exist.
Then the other night you
really bit me?
Yes.
- So you're are a...
- Quiet!
It's your fault I've
returned to my former state.
I could have slept
in peace for eternity!
- But I didn't...
- You did!
It was that kiss. One moment of
weakness that reawakened my thirst.
Baron!
Not!
No, not Lillina!
Baron?
Baron?
No! Spare Lillina!
- No!
- Go away!
Where are they?
Poor Lillina.
Wait, I... Yes, the c*ck.
When the c*ck crows,
she'll be saved!
Wake up, Giovannino, please. You have
to sing to put Uncle back in his coffin!
Look at you. You're so cute.
Sing, Giovannino, sing!
Will you sing
already, Giovannino?
Giovannino, I know it's
not wake-up time yet.
Do it for old times' sake, Giovannino! I
saved you from the pot a million times!
I gave you seven years of peace.
Few of your friends can say the same!
Sing! Please, sing!
Sing already!
I know how to fix you.
Look, Giovannino, look at the sun
rising high behind the barn.
Don't you hear the
birds chirping?
Listen, Giovannino, you've got to
start singing when the sun rises.
Just do your damn job!
Look at the sun rising!
So you won't sing, huh?
We'll see.
Serenade her, come on.
Look how pretty she is.
Show her what you can do!
You're supposed to sing for
pretty chickens, right?
You're not a c*ck,
you're just a capon!
Thank you, Giovannino!
Lillina!
I saved her.
Lillina?
It's me, wake up!
It's me, Lillina, wake up!
Osvaldo.
- My Osvaldo.
- You finally called me Osvaldo.
- I love you, Baron. I mean Osvaldo.
- Osvaldo, yes!
- My beloved Lillina.
- I was so scared.
Who's the scoundrel who
scared my Lillina? Who, I ask?
I don't know, I was on the
stairway and, all of a sudden
I saw an incredibly
tall, vampiric man.
A vampire? Why, Lillina, vampires
don't exist. They're just fiction.
Guess we better swap places.
You're the most important
thing for me, Lillina.
And I give you all my love.
We're going to get married soon.
- Oh, yes.
- Yes, we will.
I'm only a humble gardener.
What will your relatives think?
Relatives? I have no relatives!
- What about your uncle, then?
- Oh, forget about him.
He only stayed for a few days.
He'll be gone soon.
Remind me to ship his
luggage tomorrow, by the way.
Got it, Lillina?
Darling.
Only a few minutes to wait for the
baggage car, sir. Dead on time.
- Dead on time?
- Yes.
Figures.
Good night.
Uncle?
Time flies. Too bad it's
already time to for you to leave.
I guess I must thank
you, in a way.
Me and Lillina are getting married, and
I'm the new director of the hotel.
I really meant to stake you
then and there, though.
Not saying anything, huh?
Guilty conscience, I bet!
But, at the end of the day, you're
still a Hapsburg relative.
Uncle? Uncle?
You still there? I've got
great plans for you.
I'm sending you to the North Pole. They've
got six months of darkness over there!
You'll knock yourself out!
Congratulations, you have
a great imagination.
I thought you were in here!
My dear nephew, I've been getting in
and out of coffins for 400 years.
That's right.
I confess I wouldn't mind
your North Pole idea, though.
- Yeah?
- But alas,
fate has something
else in store for me.
You're right! Even the
professor said so!
Vampires turn to ashes after 400 years!
Don't turn to ashes, Uncle, please!
I couldn't bear the sight.
I'm too much of a wimp!
- I beg your pardon?
- You're about to disintegrate!
You're mistaken.
There is my destiny.
Well, that was unexpected.
I'm glad he found new life with
those two beauties, though.
Yeah, yeah, I know he can be a
handful, but what can you do?
But why waste time
staking an undead uncle?
He's better off undead, I say.
And there's your
happy ending, too.
Boy, it's hard being a vampire!
THE END
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