02x04 - A Very Handsome Woman

[bunniefuu]

So do I have to set all this
up myself at the library?

No. George'll go with you.

I'd rather be out on
the court with you guys.

I'll even play wing
defence. Wing defence.

You're better than
that. Come on, mate.

It's Copeland Shire
Mixed Netball.

Gruber Roos,
defending champions.

Why can't George
play? Over 50s league.

Yeah, couldn't he get in
as, like, an old soul?

Don't joke about that, Helen. I'm
really passionate about netball.

Sorry, mate.

And we want you out there, but
we can't bend the rules, champ.

Hang in there. Your time
will come. I know, 2046.

I can't wait. Really hope
you're not dead by then.

Back atcha, buddy.

Wouldn't it be better if Roz did it?
Roz is on the netball team as well.

Yeah, we're not playing the final
without Rozzie 'Boom Boom' Gruber.

She's our top sh**ter.

Well, could we maybe
just skip it this month?

Last time the library cancelled
a Q&A, there was a riot.

That Big Blue Bear in the Reading
Chair had its head ripped off.

Oh, gee. What was the Q&A about?

Breastfeeding. It's
not hard, Fisk.

You just run people through why
it's important to make a will.

Let's go, George.

Obviously George'll change
that to a photo of you.

OK, I like to keep the
tone conversational, yeah?

A lot of people say to me,

"Hey, Ray, I can't be
bothered to write a will.

"What do I care what
happens when I die?"

Who says that? Shoosh,
Helen. No heckling.

I say, "Is that right?

"What if I told you this is
what happens when you die?

"That's your kids fighting
- punching, kicking, elbows,

"maybe doing a little bit
of Mixed Martial Arts.

"Let's not get bogged
down in the detail.

"The point is, it's
out of control,

all because you
didn't write a will."

How about this scenario?

"Oh, hey, Ray. My mum died."

"Oh, did she, mate? Sorry,
condolences." Next slide.

"Ooh, looks like someone
didn't get their fair share

"of the inheritance pie."

Everybody loves pie,
especially inheritance pie,

and at Gruber & Associates

it's our job to get you a
bigger slice of the pie.

Yeah. That's it.

Nice one, Ray.
Thank you, mate.

And then it's onto the Q&A,

and you'll need to know how
to answer the questions.

Yeah, it's OK. I know
how to answer questions.

Yeah, you think that. Hit me,
Georgie. Ask me a question.

Hello, I'm a senior citizen and
I've written my will on a gas bill

and I was wondering...
Oh, gee, no mate.

You need to come on down
to Gruber & Associates

we'll make sure
your will's legit.

Next question.

Hello, my grandmother
didn't write a will

and I was wondering when that...
Ooh, gee, are you kidding?

No will? Well, don't just walk,
run on down to Gruber & Associates.

Sorry, is every answer "Come on
down to Gruber & Associates"?

Yeah.

I mean, that's the whole
point of everything.

I thought it was to give people
actual advice and try and help them.

No.

Why on earth would you
think that? Yeah, Helen.

Yes, very good.

Dean.

Hello. What are you... Are
you here to paint someone?

No, I've had to
put the brush down.

Too many people were
treating my art as a joke.

Oh. Sorry for your loss.

Dhanyavaad. That's
Hindu for "thank you".

I've become a holistic healer.
Holistic healing with your...

Hands. Hands. Yes, good.

And I could give your aura
a cleanse if you like.

It's looking quite soupy.

Yeah, when you say soupy,
is it like a clear broth,

or more of a cloudy chowder?

I see you're still using humour
to deflect your emotions.

I'm actually here to see Roz.
I'd like to get my will done.

Yeah, I'm afraid Roz doesn't
do wills and estates anymore.

She has moved into mediation.

Think she might make
an exception for me.

We had quite a connection.

Could you ask her? Ah, yeah.

She's in the middle of a mediation.
Yeah, sorry, but I can help you.

Do you want to come on through?

Oh, OK, this is awkward.

Is it? Um...

Helen. Ooh, now it's awkward.

In many parts of the world,

you would be considered
a very handsome woman.

Handsome? What?

I don't think I'm handsome.
Please, it's a compliment.

Yeah, Helen, don't be so binary.

I'm delighted by
everybody's work today.

Well done, both of you.

Mediation is a process,
and we got there.

Yes, well done, well done.

Hey, Roz... That went so well.

Mediation is a lot like jazz.
Mm, cause no one really likes it?

You're listening,
you're reacting.

A little bit softer now,
a little bit louder now.

Skeebly-dip, skeebly-dap-dap-dap-boo
and bring it on home with a result.

I tell you, I am
really in the pocket.

Yeah, I don't really get jazz.

No.

What do you want, Helen? Dean
O'Malley is in reception.

Do you remember
Dean? Yes, of course.

Yeah, well, he's come in, asking
if you'll do his will for him.

Well, that's your department
now. You've made that very clear.

Yes, I know, but I think
it's just an excuse.

I think he wants to see you.
He says you had a "connection".

Ooh! I know.

Do you want me to get rid
of him? I could tell him...

Dean? I'll tell him
you're not here?

Dean! Hello.

Hello.

Yes, Roz.

Pastecki estate.
How's that going?

Under control. Going out
there this afternoon.

Why, what's the
problem? Oh, no problem.

I didn't come in
here for an argument.

I actually came in to
find out if we're OK.

OK about what?

Dean told me you were quite upset
that he was interested in me

and not you.

OK, that's not
how I remember it.

OK. Fine. Calm down.

I don't want a man
to come between us.

Do you think it might
ruin our friendship?

I've always thought of
us as acquaintances,

rather than friends.

Yeah, I know. I was
kidding. Oh, humour. Yes.

Dean warned me that you might
try and hide behind that.

Alright, well, as
long as we're OK.

We're good.

Sorry, what's going on
with all these cords?

Just plugging in all my stuff.

It looks like you're
on life support.

What? Tidy them up.

Yep. No worries, friend.

What?

Jesus.

Ray, I'm not paying
those cleaners...

Fine. They didn't
finish the job.

I spent the whole
afternoon... Whatever, Fisk.

You across your
library presentation?

Did you wanna run it? No,
I don't need to run it.

I just say, "Come on down..."
Hang on. Whoa, Rozzie.

Rozzie, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

I know, I know. What's
going on, Boom Boom?

You can't be limping. What happened?
Well, I'll tell you what happened.

I tripped over the
spaghetti junction of leads

in Helen's office last night.

Leads I asked you to tape down.

What were you doing in
my office last night?

I think the words you're looking
for are, "Sorry, Roz. Sorry, Ray.

"I guess that's your netball
final shot to pieces."

Sorry, Roz. Sorry, Ray.

But seriously, what were you
doing in my office last night?

Unless you can
play netball, Fisk.

What are you like with the
ball? Yeah, I'm alright.

Well, I didn't know you
were gonna throw it at me.

Ray, I'll be fine. Dean is coming
over to do some Reiki on my ankle.

Oh, so dinner went well, did it?

A lady never tells.

Reiki, what is that, exactly?

It's the laying on
of healing hands.

Well, we hope it's his hands.
With Dean you don't know, do you?

He might have invented
some kind of p*nis Reiki.

If it works, I won't complain.
But don't worry, Ray.

I will play through
the pain if I have to.

You're a trooper, Boom-Boom.

Ooh! Oww.

You're right. I'm alright.

Go again.

Yeah, I thought you
would have caught that.

And it... Jeez.

Just one more, one
more. Come on, yep.

Just say... say that
you're gonna throw it.

I'm gonna throw it.

f*ck it. Jeez.

You're throwing too hard.

Helen, I need a list of whoever's
been at Babchya's house.

Ally Pastecki, hello. Ah,
do we have an appointment?

Just answer me. Who
has been at the house?

A lot of people. The
real estate agent.

The movers, the cleaners.

There was a stylist there
today. I was there yesterday...

Oh, my God. Moving rubbish.

Why did you let so many
people go in there?

Well, because Babchya made us
the executors of the estate,

and we're preparing
the house for sale.

What's the problem?

I've been through all the boxes
and I can't find her recipe book.

Well, don't worry. I'm
sure it'll turn up.

Maybe the cleaners stole it.
I bet the cleaners stole it.

Yeah. I doubt it. It's all
her traditional recipes.

It's called 100 Ways With Cabbage.
OK, now I really doubt it.

And it's got a green cover with
flowers and it's in Polish,

so it actually says "Kapusta".

Mmm.

Right. Kapusta.

Babchya made me the
custodian of her recipes.

Right. Keeper of the
cabbage, as it were.

It is not a joke.
No, it is not.

And I am going to track down that
book, so you get out of here.

I'm on it. Please.

Yes.

sh*t.

George! Grab all the
gear, we're leaving now.

We've gotta swing by the Pastecki
house on the way to the library.

Hurry up, buddy.

Come on, hustle,
hustle. Let's go.

OK, here we go.

Oh, come on.

Glove up, Georgie. I'm
gonna need a boost.

You good?

OK.

And, huh!

Are you boosting?

I'm not going anywhere.

You're surprisingly heavy,
Helen. What? What do you mean?

I thought you'd be quite light,

but you're like my
Grandma's Burmese cat.

Solid like a brick.
Fine, you go in.

You're looking for a scrapbook
full of Kapusta recipes.

I can't go into the dumpster.
I'll ruin my fresh fit!

Your what? This!

It's vintage old man swag.

I'll phone a friend.

OK.

Can you feel that?

Oh.

Am I supposed to feel
your hands, or...?

No, my hands will never
touch you, just my energy.

And how about this?

Does that feel better or worse?

About the same? The same.

Don't want to use a
bit of this on it?

No, no, toxins.

What about strapping it, Roz?

I definitely think you should
strap it before the game.

Dean, what do you think? Do
you think we should strap it?

No, we don't want to
trap bad energy in there.

Mmm.

Maybe you could give Dean a
little more space to work.

Move back. Oh?

Maybe a little bit more? OK.

More?

Right, I'm ringing Dr Dubas
to get some painkillers.

No toxins.

OK.

How did you go with the
plant-based buffet last night?

Mm, it was very unpretentious.

Exactly. No meat,
no dairy, no eggs.

And not a lot of
flavour, either.

Don't worry about flavour.

That will come.

First, we need to reset your
palate with some clean eating.

OK, here we go.

Breathe in.

And brace.

Oh, sorry, was that too much?

No.

Are we finished? No.

Should be another hour or so.

Did they say how long they'd be?
We've gotta get to the library.

Hey-o!

There's your answer. Oh.

Yeah, this dumpster dive
is about to get really fun.

Hi, Peggy.

Yep, I'm ready.

I'll count to three.
No, wait, wait, wait.

Is it going to be one,
two, boost on three,

or is it one, two,
three, then boost?

Helen, it's one,
two, three.

You all right in there, HelBear?

So, Georgie, what's
happening tonight?

Are we kicking on? No, we're
doing the library talk.

You and the
Hell-meister? Yeah.

Ray and Roz have got
their netball final on.

I don't know. Do you
think she's up to it?

Not really. Yes, I am.

Maybe I should tag along,
bit of moral support.

No, thank you.

Yeah, thanks, Peggy.

Kapusta!

Great. Let's go.

Three Musketeers.

Guys?

Guys!

Guys!

Bobby's been absolutely
hopeless in goal.

Maybe we should move
her to wing attack.

You're joking? She's dead weight.
I'm putting her on wing defence.

Knock-knock. Hello,
my love. Dean.

My love? How's the ankle?

Much better, thank you.
She's off her face.

She took some codeine.
Only as a precaution.

I think the Reiki
did most of the work.

I thought I might
come along tonight.

Darling, what time is kick-off?

Darling? There's no
kick-off, mate. It's netball.

I brought some date and
chia squares for half-time.

Nope. And some juice.

Brown juice? Where's
that from, the Yarra?

That is very thoughtful
of you, Dean.

Thank you. No, need
for thank yous.

I just want to
stay in your orbit.

And Ray, you're looking
a little bit pasty.

Mm. I might get
you a thistle tea.

Please don't.

What is going on with that guy?

He likes my orbit.
What can I say?

You are off your face.

Alrighty. All set?
Bombs away. OK.

Thank you.

All good, Georgie?
Just up there. Yep.

Alrighty.

Do you want me to do a
tight five and bring you on?

I've been doing an online
stand up comedy course.

That sounds fun.

But no, tonight, I'm going
to do something different.

I am going to win them
over with sophistication.

We are having a Q&A with...

..wine and...

..cheese. Oh, that's great.

Toothpicks there. We'll
crack open some of this wine.

Both colours. Here we go.

Whet the whistle.

Yeah, if you want to have
a loosener, go right ahead.

I think it's all
gonna go really well.

Alright. Yeah,
that looks nice.

Everyone ready?

Good to go, HelBear.
Let's open up.

Welcome. Come on in.

Please help yourself to a
glass of wine and some cheese,

and then take a seat.

On the house.

Come on in. We're having an
information night. All welcome.

Is the wine free?

Can we sit anywhere or
is it numbered seating?

No, you can sit
anywhere you like.

Helen? Popular.

Are there any
non-alcoholic beverages?

Yes, there's a drinking
fountain just down there.

No, I meant like an orange
squash or a barley water.

No, there's no cordials,
mate. It's not the 1940s.

Well, that seems unfair.

Helen. Helen! Helen! Yeah?

A bit of help? Jesus.

OK, OK, there's enough for
one glass of wine each.

So just take one and
get a bit of cheese.

I need a plate!
There's no plates.

You don't need a
plate because you...

You've just taken too many
cubes. Just put some back.

There's enough for everyone,
if no-one gets greedy.

You calling me fat?

She's got a plate. How
come she's got a plate?

Oh, my... Hey, Peggy!

Peggy, that one. That one
there's got all the cheese.

Well, that's not
complimentary. It's not on.

Don't raise your
voice at people.

There's no cheese.
There is cheese.

I didn't even get a cube.
There's more cheese underneath.

I'm on it.

There's more cheese?

No, it wasn't a signal to run.

OK, now, remember,
just a few cubes each.

OK, just back up, please.

Hey. Hey, everybody
sit down now.

Take your seats.

We've got a very informative
session planned, and...

I can't breathe!

It's happening again!
Jocelyn, call the police.

There's another riot
in the reading room.

There's more wine under the table.
There's wine under the table.

Do you think it'll be
Roz or Ray? I don't know.

It's Ray.

I have no words.

I expected more from you, George.
Peggy, I'm so disappointed in you.

Yeah, but Ray, it wasn't... Uh,
uh, uh. I don't want to hear it.

Roz is outside talking
to the police, Fisk.

The police. In
Helen's defence...

Not another word.

The library, the
victims, the police -

they've all agreed that this can
be resolved through mediation.

Fortunately, that's
Roz's area of expertise.

Thank God for Roz.

What are you doing here?

I thought I might pop down if
anyone needed some healing.

I'm here for you. Put
your hand down, Peggy.

Why have you got my trophy?
Can I have my trophy, please?

You're not required. Go
and sit in Roz's car.

So did you have a win,
then? Oh, not the time.

Sorry.

48-22. We smashed 'em.

But I'm still angry.

Knock-knock.

Hello, darling. Dean.

How's the ankle?

Dean, now's not a
good time. Oh. OK.

I could perhaps wait
for you downstairs

at the blended beverage bar?

Mm. Yes?

Could I get you something? No.

No? OK.

Looks great. Yes.

Bye-bye. Bye. Yeah.

Oh, come on Rozzie.
This is a workplace.

I've had just about enough
of the John and Yoko act.

It's not my fault. He's
just really taken with me.

What can I do? Put
your mediation face on.

Come on.

Welcome to the round
table, where we are all,

like the Knights
of Camelot, equals.

No one person is more important
than the other, no individual...

Yep, OK, we're all
the same. Come on, go.

Now I'd like to start by taking
everyone's energy levels.

I think I'm a solid 9.

Presley? Mm. 7.5?

Yep, and I'm a 10, so let's go.
Let's move on. Come on, crack on.

That's high.

Alright, we are here to determine
what happened the other night...

I'll tell you what happened.

Alcohol was brought into the
library, carpet was damaged,

and my shuttle bus
driver was maimed.

Maimed?

The paramedic said it was a small
scratch under his eye. Under.

I'd like to call in a
witness if I may, Roz.

It's not court. You don't need
permission. She's not a judge.

I'll allow it.

Call your witness. Laurie.

It's Prez. Over there,
love. Over there.

That's it, forward, forward.

No.

Laurie's our shuttle bus driver.

He drives seniors to
and from the library.

Well, he did, until
he became blind.

He's hardly blind.
He's got a sore eye.

Laurie, how many
fingers am I holding up?

Three.

Let the record show
Laurie can still see.

There's no record,
Helen. It's not court.

Should have said
four. Sorry, love.

Continue.

And what about Blue Bear?
And what about Blue Bear?

Expand on that. Well, he
had his head ripped off.

Again. Yep, and
there's the key word.

Again. This is not the first time
there's been a riot at your library.

What's your point?
That's precedent.

There's clearly a culture
of violence at your library.

But you admitted to bringing
alcohol into the library.

Yes, but I also saw these two
pre-loading in the carpark.

Oh, please. It was one
Bacardi Breezer each.

I think it were
three, love. Shut up.

Also, Your Honour, I want it on
the record, she called me fat.

Roz, I want it on the record
I did not call her fat.

Oh, there's no record, Helen.

Why is there a record when she
says something and not for me?

Alright, so Helen,

I propose that you buy Anne and
Laurie a Liquor Town voucher

to the value of $200.

And you will replace
the library carpet.

And what about my shuttle bus?

Laurie can't drive with
a patch on his eye.

Yeah, he can't work, and
he also might lose an eye

all because she brought
cheese into the library.

Shut
up, you f*ck idiot.

Did you hear that? She
just called me a fat idiot.

She called you a
f*ck idiot, love.

Are you sure? Oh, yes.

Yes, my hearing's improved
since I went blind.

Oh, my God. Laurie,
you're not blind.

Presley, anything else? I'm
still down a shuttle bus driver.

Laurie's going to be out two
weeks because of his injury.

Helen? Yes, Dean?

I was just wondering where you put
that painting that I did for you.

Oh, yep, right there.

Ah! There it is. Mm.

Ooh, I can see that
I haven't signed it.

Would you like me to?

With a pen, or...? Either way.

Your choice. OK,
I'm going to go pen.

Not authentic.
I'll give it a go.

I think we're in an
office. Best to use a pen.

Where was it?

Long story short, it was thrown
into a dumpster by mistake.

Oh, my God, who would
throw it in a dumpster?

Is that important?
It is to me.

OK, ah, well.

I don't want to name
names, but I will say this,

I'm not paying those cleaners.

Because they threw
Babchya's book in the bin?

I never said that, but if that's
the conclusion you want to draw,

I'm not going to stop you.

Yeah, I'm sorry about the smell.
That's from being in the skip.

No, no, that's cabbage.

Is it?

Oh.

It's a strong smell.

Cabbage and suet pudding.
That's a favourite.

Oh, I bet the kids love that.

I was always a big
suet fan as a kid.

Mm.

Hello, hello, hello.

Hello.

Terrific result at the
round table yesterday.

You got off lightly,
thanks to Judge Roz.

I'm kidding. I know
I'm not a judge.

Still, great result.

Yeah, I guess.

So, I need to ask you
a favour, as a friend.

A gal-pal. I thought
we were acquaintances.

Whatever. I need you
to do something for me.

Do you remember last week when
Dean was here and you said,

"Do you want me to
get rid of him?"

Yes? Well, I want you to.

Want me to what? Get rid
of him. He's too much.

This always happens to me.
Men get so attached, so fast.

I'm like a magnet.

You want me to tell
Dean he's dropped?

Well, not exactly in that language.
We're not in primary school.

But essentially, yes. Oh.

I'd rather not get involved
in your personal affairs, Roz.

Really? After everything
I've done for you?

Presley could have
pressed charges.

Anne, Laurie, all of them.
But I convinced them not to.

Fine. Can I do it by text?

Well, that's a little
impersonal, Helen.

Says the woman who wants to send
a proxy to break up with someone.

Ooh, hello. Are you
cutting Yoko loose?

No, I am, apparently.
Good stuff. Do it, Fisk.

The man's a barnacle.
Oh. Thank you.

Win-win. This is exciting.

It is.

Alright, who's next?

Betty Buckley.

45? Yes.

Got it.

Oh, jeez.

Morning, Betty. Do
you want a hand?

I'm good, love. Alrighty.

Come on, Betty.

We're gonna miss out
on all the good books.

Oh, shut your face, Irma.

What'd you say?

I said shut your face, Irma.

Oh, this is fun.

Alrighty.

Number 37.

Is that...?

Oh, it is. Hey!
What about Howard?

No, he's too slow. We'll
miss all the good books.

There you go. Got you a
Singin' The Bluesberries.

Thank you, Helen, that's
very generous of you.

But I hope you don't think this
is going to lead somewhere.

You and I are just friends.

Yeah. My heart belongs to Roz.

Hmm.

About that.

You OK?

We had so many plans.

Sure.

Did you still want me to...

Yes, if you wouldn't mind.

Ready? Yeah.

Here we go.

Ooh.

How's... how's that?

Ah, yeah, a bit firm. OK.

Yeah, back it...
back it up a bit.

Is that... is that any better?

No. Just...

Yep. Is that...?

How's that?

Oww.

Maybe I'll just...

Oh, no, seriously,
can you stop? Yep.

Yeah, maybe just...
we'll just leave it.

OK, yep. We'll just leave it.

I'm sorry. Yeah,
I feel worse now.

Um...