02x05 - Black Stones

[bunniefuu]

Why are you so late?

Everyone else has already been
measured up and gone.

Sorry, man. It's just
all this wedding business is

incredibly stressful, you know?

Ah, tell me you've done
your video, at least.

Not yet, actually. Erm... I just
haven't had the inspiration...

Mate, you just need to make, like,
a 20-second video saying

"Congratulations, Ross and Ellie."

Everyone else has already done it.
Look, I've... I've got a few here.

Congrats, Ross and Ellie!

Oh, ah... No, no, just let it play.

Look, I'm going to keep it short
because I've seen Danny's video.

Just wow—you are amazing, Danny.

No-one's gonna top that...
What's Danny's video?

I love you guys. Bye!
Oh, yeah, this one's amazing.

When Ross asked Ellie to marry him,

and she said "Yes"...

...I was like, "Yeah!"

This guy's got some moves!

Ah, no rhythm.

And I was inspired to write a poem...
sad AF I know. Sorry, not sorry!

If love came like 4G signal,

it might be more convenient,

but what a tariff we'd pay.

Smart guy. No.

But in the end, I know
you're both...

...head over heels.

It's just... too good.

That's not real. That's, like,
a filter or something.

It's amazing what you can do
with the technology these days,

sort of depth-of-field
kind of stuff, crazy.

Can you try to stay still, please?

Look, man, obviously
you're not going to do anything

as impressive as Danny,
but just a little something

on your phone camera would be great.

Hello. Camera hire.

Hi, I need a cinematographer.

♪ Who Dares Wins
by The Streets ♪

Liam!

I said you've got three days
to get your coursework finished.

Thanks, Mr Dreyfus.

Nice bit of exposition there,
nice bit of set-up.

Doing my job for me!

I know, sir!

The last time I had to make a film,
it was my AS-level coursework.

"A short film portraying..."

...portraying people and place.

Got it covered, has the lad.

With that time pressure,
the key is to keep it simple.

Just a series of interviews
with local people or...

I'm going to make a film.

A... A proper movie.

That might be a bit ambitious.

I do respect film,
as a media studies teacher,

don't get me wrong.

When you see a good film and
it really hits you,

it's just like, Wow.

You know, like The Legend
of Bagger Vance.

But most films are not like
The Legend of Bagger Vance.

And that's a great shame.

Just keep it simple.

If you need some more inspiration,
you're welcome to watch mine.

I just filmed my mum and my auntie
talking about their experiences

being first generation immigrants.

Look, no disrespect, mate,
but that's a bit done.

I want to show the real marginalised
demographic of this country...

Northern men.

Have you even got an idea for it?

Course I have.

f*ck's all this mean, then?

I want you guys to be in my film.

It's a post-New Wave spin on
the kitchen sink form,

but reflecting post-Thatcherite
anxieties,

which I'm hoping will show...

I'll just skip ahead a bit.

...the apoliticised solipsism
of the contemporary youth,

symbolised via the alienation
of the 1950s proletariat.

Didn't understand
a f*cking word o' that.

So it's an impressionistic
meditation about the complexities

of modern love, exploring
the thin divide between

romantic bliss and heartbreak,
all shot entirely in one day

in this flat.

It sounds, erm...

...interesting.

It sounds sh*t.

Is there a script?

Ain't got a script as such,
but here's t'plot.

It's about Arthur Lampton,

a young man who works in a colliery
in t'Yorkshire town of Scarforth.

What's a collary?

It's where they make
collars for dogs.

No. A colliery.

It's a coal mine.

So Arthur dreams of being a writer,
but he's stuck in the colliery.

And, what's more, he's unhappily
married to Margaret Beresford,

the daughter of the colliery boss.

Arthur is forced to
question his loyalties

when a journalist named Katherine
comes to town and tells him

of a dark secret about the colliery.

What's the secret?

Well, I don't know yet.

We've gotta come up with t'rest.

It's gonna be devised, which
means that the story's made up

by the cast rather than having
a written script.

Why?

Well, it's a method that tends to
bring the kind of authenticity

that I think is necessary
for my film.

And also because I started
writing a script

but ran out of ideas
after one scene.

Devising is...

Yes, I understand
what devising means.

Can I just ask what
you're doing this for?

It's a wedding video.

It is a wedding video.

Erm, for keeping people entertained
while they queue

for the cheese table.

Oh.

OK.

When is it?

The wedding's next weekend.

The film has to be made
by next weekend?

No, the film has to be made by...

...tomorrow.

So you're expecting us to give up
our Sunday for this?

What do we get out of it?

The chance to make
a cinematic debut, the chance

to reach out via the screen and
to touch people in ways

they've never been touched.

Sounds wrong, that.

It does a bit, to be fair.

I've always fancied myself
as an actor.

Certainly always fancied yourself!

f*ck you.

Craggy! Ralph?

f*cking get off me! Is it Ralph?

f*ck you!

I'll act you off t'screen, mate!

I'll help, but I'm not acting.

I heard me own voice on a camcorder
video for me Nan's birthday

last year and I felt self-conscious
for a month.

OK, fine. There's plenty of
other jobs that need filling.

Ooh! Maybe I could direct
the DVD extras?

Maybe.

You two up for being in it?

All right. Go on, then.

OK. Auditions start in an hour.

So... are you up for it?

Sure.

My day rate is 600 quid.
That's fine.

That is fine.

So, Addy, you're gonna be in charge
of Casting Assistance,

Camera Assistance, Costume,
Make-up, Lighting, Set Design,

Props and Miscellaneous.

What will you be doing on the film?

Addy, I'm the auteur.

Now, my vision is that it'll take
place in three different settings.

A pub, a living room and a bedroom.

Luckily, these were the only
three stage-sets that the drama

department had in storage.

I was thinking, for DVD extras, we
could interview the cast and crew.

Right, time for the auditions.

Craggy's up against Ralph
for the lead role.

Let's get Ralph in first.

Right, so you've read the scene
for the audition.

Addy will be reading it with you.

Eh up, Margaret, where's me snap?
Gotta get dahn pit in arf an hour!

Wait... Why are you doing it
like that?

Erm...

Well, I thought it'd be good
if he were, like, a...

...like, a c*ck gangster and that.

Well, he's from Yorkshire.

Ah! So...

So do it Yorkshire?

Yeah. OK. I got it.

I got it. Erm...

All right.

Now, then, Margaret, you seem
quiet today.

What have you got to say?

I'm at my wit's end, Arthur.

Every morning, you're in
me ear whingeing.

You know, if this is what
you'll be like when we're married...

Ralph, what... What are these faces?
What is that?

Well, I read that acting is
really about reacting.

Where d'you read that?

There.

So I'm reacting.

Well, just tone it down, yeah?

That's a great note. Thank you.

...then I want out of it.

Do you not respect me?

Your line, Ralph!

Oh, sorry. Erm, ah...

When you start earning some respect,
that's when I'll respect ya!

You've gone c*ck again.

'Ave I f*ck, mate!

Eh up, Margaret, where's me snap?

I've gotta be down t'pit in half
an hour and your old man's not

gonna like it if I'm swannin'
in late—without mi snap 'n' all!

Craggy, you've got the part!

Were it good, honestly?

Not bad.

Also you were facing literally
no competition.

♪ Got the latest Nikes on my feet ♪

♪ The streets merely reflect
this bassline... ♪

Are you f*cking kiddin' me?

You can play Mr Beresford,
the colliery owner, the boss.

He's a powerful guy.

Fine.

And I suppose we'll have to ask
Rachel to play Margaret.

I aren't being married to Rachel!
Craggy, it'd be an unspeakable

honour for you to be married
to Rachel!

And we still haven't cast the part
of Katherine the journalist yet.

Erm... Addy?

Addy!

Can I leave that with you, mate?

I've got enough on my plate.

Did you, erm...

...get a chance to read the creative
document that I sent over?

I did, yeah.

Yeah, I was quite happy
with it in the end.

Share some of my poems and...

Because it's always a vulnerable
thing to share...

Shall we get started, then?

Yep. Yep.

Rachel's here.

Right, erm, Rachel, you're gonna
be playing Margaret.

Who's that?

Craggy's wife. f*ck's sake.

Erm, it in't exactly my dream
role either, Craggy.

But I'll do it.

Cos I'm a professional.

That is exactly the attitude
we need, Rachel.

But, just to clarify,
you're not getting paid.

Can one of the runners get me
a water, please?

Addy, could you get Rachel a water?

But there's a... There's a tap
just out there.

Not tap.

What's wrong with tap?

She's allergic.

Could you get me a sparkling?

I don't think they sell
sparkling at t'corner shop.

Boh! Boh!

Boh, boh, boh!

Just buy still and shake
t'bottle up or summat.

Ba! Ba! Ba! Ba! Ba! Ba! Ba!
Oh, and once you've done that,

can you hurry up and find someone
to play Katherine already?!

Don't I have a dressing room?

I want more, Margaret!

There has to be more to
life than coal!

You don't think I want more, Arthur?

More than sewing and darning
and washing,

and cleaning up after you!

You're always on me back!

Can't a man live in peace
once in a while!

But you're so angry, Arthur.

What I wouldn't give for
some tenderness.

Go, go, go, go, go.

There's a whole world out there
somewhere, Margaret.

But not for the likes of us.

Let's 'ave a babby.

Oi!

No-one gets to f*ck my fit dauwta
wivaht my permission,

geeza mate, awright? Cut!

What? You said improvise.

Not if you're not in the scene!

f*ck's sake! Right, from the top!

♪ Locked on not Tripoli ♪

♪ Get dressed for the party ♪

♪ As I spit... ♪

How's it going?

I can't believe we actually got
that whole scene in that time.

It were pretty good stuff too.

I aren't having no more to do
with this garbage.

What?

It's trash.

The female characters are only there
to serve the male protagonist.

And there's no sense
there's owt at stake for

any other character except him.

But if you leave now, I'll not
be able to complete my film.

And I'll not realise my creative
ambitions, and I'll...

I'll not get the UCAS points that
I need to get into the universities

I wanna go to!

Here's your water, Rachel.

Forget it.

Wait, but you've still got
a scene to film. f*ck!

Gi' me that. I'm f*cking parched.

Oh! Oh...

I guess it were actually
sparkling. Sorry!

f*ck's sake!

Right, we'll have to worry
about Rachel's other scene later.

Addy, have you cast Katherine yet?

Working on it.

So I'd actually like to start
with the ending.

I think it could be quite
tricky to get right.

Agree. Yeah. Professionally,
I agree with you.

So, set?

Se...

That means ready.

Ready, yeah.

Ready, yeah. And...

...action!

Love is not easy.

Don't look at me.
Look at the camera.

Camera, yeah. I knew that.

Love is not easy.

Life contains many... hurdles.

Argh!

Are you OK?

I'm fine, yeah. Ah...
Yeah, I'm good. I'm great.

Maybe we should lose the hurdle bit.

No, we need the hurdle bit.

Hurdle over something smaller
than a sofa.

It needs to be the sofa,

otherwise the metaphor's
just diluted.

Well, then let's just...

Let's come back to it. No!

Look, film-making is
all about adaptability.

Yeah, I know... I know that.

Yeah, OK. Let's...

Argh! Let's, erm...

...adapt, adapt, yeah.

OK, I've found the perfect person
to play Katherine!

Rupert, if you don't come back
from Costco with 'undred pack of

Wagon Wheels, I'm gonna knock
your block off, mate!

Craggy's sister, Lucy.

Not known as an actress.

Right, in a bit.

Love you.

Right, what we doing, then?

f*ck's sake!

Eye meets eye, soul meets soul.

And soon it's all cups of tea,
nights in front of Netflix,

small gesture ecstasy,
bodies sweating in the night,

the morning, the afternoon,
riding, riding, riding.

This. Is. Love.

How was that?

Ta, barman. Ah!

Thank 'eaven of mercy for t'pint
of ale after a long day... f*ck off!

...working down in t'coal factory.

Just before I've gotta go 'ome
and see me f*cking stuck-up wife

who can't even drink water
outta t'tap.

Did I hear you say you
worked down t'coal factory?

Who wants to know?

Me wants to know.

Katherine McBurney,
Daily Yorkshire News.

Arthur Lampton, coal man,
but really a...

A writer, writer!

A writer.

I'm in town to investigate
t'scandal at t'coal factory.

Between me and you, the factory's
been makin' fake coal.

No! You don't say!

Aye. In fact, it an't even
been makin' coal at all.

Well, what's it been makin', then?

Black stones.

f*ck me!

I wanna help you uncover
this scandal.

Well, I'll be glad of your help,
Arthur Lampton.

I can tell you're a genius.

Cut! Erm,
there's some good stuff there.

I want to do it again.

I really feel that we need a bit
more urgent jeopardy to

really drive the story.

Erm, actually to get everything shot

and edited before school closes,
we need to move on now.

Oh, fine! That'll have to do.

Addy,
you need to keep a better schedule!

What's the clip board for?

Love? What is love?

Love is a piece of tracking malware,
that you can't deny consent to,

but may improve the performance
of your existential browser?

Love is an e-scooter which...

Sorry, Suzie, is this good?

Look man, I'm just here
to serve your vision.

If you trust your vision,
then I trust your vision.

One thing that'll
guarantee it'll be bad

is if you doubt yourself too much.

You got to attack it.

Total confidence. Right?

Yeah.

OK, we don't have much time.

So in this scene, Arthur
and Katherine are lying in bed

together in a hotel room,
after just having had sex.

f*ck that!
I'm only getting paid 30 quid.

What do you mean, you're
getting paid 30 quid?

Sorry, she's a tough negotiator.

I'll do it for 40.

Addy, I can't believe you opened
this can of worms!

You had one job!

No, I didn't! I had f*cking 50 jobs.

Casting. Props. Costume.

Set design. Etc, etc.

And all you've done is be
rude to me!

Well, I aren't taking it any more.
Halt the work!

What? That's right.

I'm unionising myself.

No department to do any more work
until you treat me with respect!

And you can forget about DVD extras!

Addy, wait I...

f*ck's sake!

Craggy, are you willing to do it?

No way!

I'd be happy to play Craggy's
part for this scene if it'd help.

Not helpful! Lucy, Craggy.

I need you both to do this
scene for the sake of the film.

No f*ck it, for...

...for the sake of the North!

The same stories will keep getting
told and retold and unless

we can speak up for places like the
North, we'll be failing as artists.

Lucy, I don't have 30 quid
I can give you

but I promise I will give you
my Christmas money if you ju...

Look mate, I didn't have a f*cking
clue what you were just

going on about then, but it sounded
bare passionate and that.

So I'll do it.

For the North...

...and your Christmas money.

Craggy, mate, listen.

Pretend to shag your sister.

For the North.

Arthur Lampton, that was the most
wonderful experience of my life.

I've never had sex with
a genius before.

At last I've learned what it is like
to have true passion in my life.

Let's run away together.

OK, meet me
at the train station in one hour.

I simply cannot wait to make
love to you forever more.

Got it! Cut!

So we just need that last scene

between Arthur and Margaret.

But how we gonna do that
if we ain't got... Rachel's back!

Addy, you legend!

As I was storming out I overheard
that speech you made and I realised

that making good art is more
important than people's feelings.

Hm. And you persuaded Rachel too.

Thanks, Rachel. He said I'd
get 50 quid to come back.

Erm, definitely. Yeah,
we'll... we'll sort that.

On to the final scene.

Right, let's go! Rachel,
let's get you in the costume.

♪ Raised as a northern star ♪

♪ With a London underground
travel card. ♪

I want more, Margaret!

There has to be more to
life than coal.

You don't think I want more, Arthur?

Between me and you,
the factory's been making fake coal.

f*ck me! I will help you
uncover this scandal.

f*ck sake. OK.

Meet me at the train
station in one hour.

I simply cannot wait to make
love to you forever more.

Margaret! I've discovered I'm
a genius and I'm leaving you.

Oh, Arthur, you can't leave me.

I'm pregnant!

And not just with one baby.

With seven babbies!

Seven babbies!

And they're all yours!

Oh!

Oh!

You're gonna have to raise 'em!

And you're gonna have
to raise 'em right!

But factory's gonna close!
They've been making fake coal!

I'm gonna lose job.

We're gonna lose house.

Argh!

What you wailing like that for?

Don't you see, Margaret!

Don't you see?

You can't raise seven babbies

on black stones!

No!

I thought it were pretty good.

Shot that. Shot that.

So it's just back to the hurdle.

No, it's, erm...

...it's not gonna work.

Well, like I said,
if you try a smaller...

It's not about the hurdle,
it's erm...

It's something else.

So here it is, sir.

The following footage was
recorded as DVD extras

for a short film about
people and place.

This simple and less formal setting
gives a truer sense of people

and place than the film
itself ever could.

What did you have for breakfast
this morning?

Special K.

Set breakfast two.

No tomato.

Extra bacon.

I can't actually remember now.

Joking!

Hang on. I had f*ck all!

You know, I had my heart
set on a Wagon Wheel

but my prick boyfriend wouldn't
bring any to me.

What do you think of Garforth?

Best town in't f*cking
world, innit?

sh*thole.

Well, have they got any toffee?

Why can't I remember what
I had for my breakfast?

Where do you see
yourself in five years?

In Sugababes. Or acting.

Or performing. Or teaching people
how to perform.

As long as it involves performing.

No, I don't want no more b*stard
double choc!

They cloy up my mouth!

Probably still
working at garden centre.

Nice house in Garforth.

Nice wife. Nice kids.

Nice car. Nice telly.

Nice sofa. Nice coffee table.

Nice normal table.

Nice cups.

Nice plates.

Just...

...nice, to be honest.

Frosties! Thank f*ck for that.

f*cking hell, I thought
I had Alzheimer's then.

Er, what were second question?

Mm-mm.

So this isn't the piece you'd been
planning to make, is it?

No. I should have just
done what you said,

sir, about keeping it simple,
but it were just too ambitious.

In my head it was gonna be good,
but it just turned out sh*t.

Sounds like you've learnt one
of life's most important lessons.

Sometimes it's OK to just be OK.

The best advice I can give you,
teacher to student, is this.

The less ambition you have,
the happier you'll be.

"The privilege of a lifetime
is being who you are."

Wow, that's...

Who said that?

I don't know. I just read
it on wall there.

One of t'other teachers
keep putting 'em up.

Don't really agree
with most of them.

That one's all right.

Jess has gone, Liam.

You can't define yourself by that
relationship any more. No.

Not as a person, and, well,
certainly not as an artist.

And, yeah,
expressing heartbreak is necessary.

But to build an artistic vision
on top of a love that has ended?

It's no wonder you never felt any
confidence in this project.

Yeah.

Thanks, Suzie, that's, erm...

...that's really, really helpful.

You still need to pay me 600 quid.

Yep.

Mm.

You know, Suzie's right
and so was Dreyfus.

The best things happen
when we keep it simple

and take our egos out of
the equation.

Because that is
when authenticity begins.

Hey, guys!

I just wanna say congratulations
to you both about the wedding.

I love you both very much

and I can't wait to raise
a glass to you on the big day!

Lotta love!

That was awful. That was sh*t.

Hey, guys, wedding vibes!

Argh!