02x02 - On The Road

[bunniefuu]

New voicemail received
yesterday at 17:52.

Hi there, Liam, my name's Abi.

I'm one of the therapists at
Borough's mental health service.

You contacted us a while ago

and we're now able to offer you
an initial session of CBT.

I have Monday at 10am next...

It's 6.45am, mate.

Sorry, man. Did I wake you guys up?
Why are you up so early?

Well, today's actually the first
day of my new routine

that I'm doing, but I feel like

I've been doing it for, like,
a thousand years already, you know?

I feel like some ancient
druid of the sunrise.

An ancient druid with a NutriBullet
for his herbs and potions and...

You are going to wash
my NutriBullet? Yeah, man.

A wizard is always clean! Druid.
Druid, yeah.

I'm glad I caught you, actually,
cos your uncle's

a driving instructor, right?

I've realised, I'm 33, man...
I need to learn to drive.

Why? You're always going on
about carbon emissions

and you live 20 minutes
from work by tube.

Fancy a lift? Yeah!

You look amazing.

Is this a car, Liam?

Sure is, baby.

Can you drive it?

Yep. And I even have a licence to.

What's that?

Loft-insulating material.

You're so mature now.

And that's sexy to me.

Liam! Yeah, sorry, man.
Whatever.

Yeah, my Uncle Bill's a driving
instructor—I can hook you up.

Brilliant. Do you think
he could fit me in today?

Cos... No, I don't know,
you'll have to call him.

Will do, yeah. Sure, sure, sure.
Cheers, buddy.

Do you know how long
you'll be staying, cos...?

I want to push on
cos I need to do an hour

of hazard perception
before my meditation!

f*cking indicate, dickhead!

Yeah, you look like a prick...
and you drive like one!

f*ck!

All right, let's just try again.

Ready? All right.

Wait! Addy, I don't need t'plate!

It's so you can practise pull-push
steering at same time.

Ooh! Alfa Romeo GTV—I ain't seen
one of them in a while.

Addy, I'm trying to concentrate!
Addy, quiet, mate.

Sorry.

Wait, were that an hazard?

What, that car door? I'm not sure.

Those aren't factory wheels
on that Corolla!

Addy, shut up! Is this Gipton?

Craggy! I swear it is!
I've got family there!

Wait... that's our Marcus!

You just missed that slow sign!

Yeah, cos Craggy's chuntering
in my ear!

Remember to feed the wheel!
Shut up!

Lindsay, put our Marcus on!
He's famous!

Right, lights coming up ahead.

Well, tell him
to get out t'bath right now!

Craggy, mate,
I'm begging you, shut up.

Craggy had just got his first
unlimited minutes phone contract,

so was quite call-happy
at this time.

He's wearing a blue hat!
Craggy!

You let go of t'wheel!

You would've smashed
into that Honda Jazz

and then ploughed right through
t'window of Farmfoods! f*ck's sake!

Yeah, I've got to go, Lindsay, yeah.

There's been an accident.
Farmfoods has borne t'brunt of it!

I'll ring you back. It's unlimited.

I can't believe you just made me
do that then, Craggy.

Well, I can't help it
if my cousin's famous, can I?

You can't let go of t'wheel
on your test, Ralph.

I won't have you lot mouthing
off at me on my test, will I?

Shut up!

Thank you. Doing me head in.

I just want Ralph to
pass his test, mate.

I know, but can we just be f*cking
serious about it?

Come on, let's just try again.

Ralph was the first of us
to turn 17

and so we were all
desperate for him to pass.

At that point,
our horizons were pretty limited.

But with a car and a tenner's worth
of petrol,

we could go anywhere.

Just a few years earlier, the A1-M1
link road had been built near

Garforth and this seemed a symbol
of something—for Britain itself.

With its vast network of
new retail parks, business parks,

leisure complexes,
comprising a vast suburban paradise.

Albeit a paradise with increasingly

high levels of ambient air
pollutants.

Suddenly to be in the suburbs
wasn't to be in the margins...

...it was to be in the future.

As long as you had a car, even if
it was your grandad's old

Vauxhall Astra that you'd inherited
when he died.

'Ere, do you know what?
My test's on a Saturday.

We can go and find Leeds Meet
after that, can't we? Sick!

Leeds Meet was a legendary,
transient and secretive gathering of

drivers in modified cars, which to
our mind were like exotic supercars.

But realistically were probably
more like £500 Renault Clios with

a grand's worth of modifications
done to them,

until they couldn't even get over
a speed bump unless in reverse.

It wasn't exactly my scene,
but back then anything was

preferable to the overfamiliar
streets of Garforth.

I aren't j...
I swear on me life.

I swear on me dad's life.

After just four attempts,
Ralph passed his theory.

And so on the morning
of the actual test,

we waited nervously at Craggy's
for news from Ralph.

So, you're telling me, Marcus,

you've never worn a blue hat
in Gipton?

Addy!
Oh, yeah, sorry, mate.

I just got distracted by
these sick coilovers.

I don't care. Oh, hang on, Marcus.
I'm getting another call.

Yeah, I'll ring you back.
It's unlimited.

'Ey up. How did you get on?

Oh, no...

sh*t, never mind.

In a bit.

Did he pass?
What does it f*cking sound like?

Oy! I've only just got that
after you broke t'other one!

What were that?

Come on.

Ah-hey! Ha-ha!

We did it! We did it! Yes, lads!

Yoo-hoo-hoo!

Calm down, Liam!
Ralph passed—look!

I know. I'm just...
I'm angry in a happy way, man!

I f*cking passed!

I got 15 minors and nearly hit
a police horse on t'emergency stop.

What's all t'noise out 'ere?

I'm trying play Zoo Tycoon 2
and I can't f*cking concentrate.

What animals have you got?

I've got loads of animals.
It's a zoo, innit?

Have you got a lion?
'Course I got a lion!

Snakes?
'Course I've got snakes.

I've got a f*cking reptile house.

Wolf?

No, I ain't got any f*cking wolves
yet.

Er, what's happened to Jane's
birdbath?

f*cking hell...

You don't call your mother
by her first name!

Ralph knocked it over. Sorry!

Your mates are absolute idiots,
Cragg.

Stop calling me Cragg!

You don't hang halfway out t'window

calling your little brother by his
surname. Shut up, Cragg.

What you even doin' driving?
You're only about 12.

And where'd ya get that 'orrible
bin on wheels anyway? Your grandad?

Yeah.

What's all t'noise?

What's Rupert doing in there?

I'm working my bollocks off to keep
a f*cking zoo going, Craggy,

that's what I'm doing.

Can we go now?

What, is that your car, Ralph?
Yeah.

Where'd ya get that?
Your grandad or summat?

Yeah.

Now, then...
Brendan.

Brendan.

Brendan.

Brendan.

Brendan.
You've already said Brendan, Ralph!

Brendan.

You don't call your own dad
by t'first name! Call him Dad.

Who's car's that?

Ralph's. Just passed his test.

Oh, right.

Eh, you can do us a favour, then,
if you got t'car.

Oh, for f*ck's sake...

You can take this
to t'garden centre.

It needs a new blade.

Oh, what? What about t'car meet?

I don't want to have to
go into work on me day off!

Tough.

What even is it?

It's an 'ula 'oe.

An 'ula 'oe?
Yeah, an 'ula 'oe.

A hula hoe. Hula hoe.

What's that?

f*ck me! Word maggot
ant 'eard a word before!

Blade's shite. Needs a sharper one.

Right, don't let
'em charge you more than a fiver,

especially with your staff discount.

5%—not including items
bought at the cafe.

How long's that going to take?

Why, where else ya got to be?

We wanted to go to Leeds Meet.

What in that old banger?
You'll have t'piss ripped outta ya.

What, do you know where Leeds
Meet's happenin', Ralph? No.

Right, do you know the last um...

...the last roundabout
on the A63 before Monk Fryston?

Right, take fifth exit off that,

follow it down for a little bit and
on the left there's a dirt track.

That's exactly where it is.

What, Leeds Meet's there, today?
Yep.

It's just wasteland round there,
innit?

Yeah, perfect for a car meet, mate.

Loadsa space for a race and that.

Yeah, actually, I have seen some
cars go down there.

Yeah, yeah, you will 'ave.

All right, nice one.
Come on, let's go.

Shotgun!

♪ Born to Be Wild
by Steppenwolf ♪

Idiots!

So, off we went,
blazing down the open road.

Although blazing very slowly because
Ralph was quite a nervous driver.

And for a soundtrack,

a Great Driving Songs compilation
we found in the glove box.

So, we're definitely off t'garden
centre on t'way back, then?

Yes, Craggy, for t'eleventh time!

We arrived at the spot Rupert
described to find...

...not very much.

Where is everyone?

Maybe t'pigs broke it up.
Maybe they aren't here yet.

All right, well,
we'll just wait here, then.

Who wants one of these?

Oh, my God! I remember these, boys.

Proper nice sweets these.
Look—sugar powder on and that.

Go on, have one. Go on.

Mm...

My grandad used to give me one of
these

after... he'd picked me up
from footy.

Are you crying, Ralph? No.

What else is in here?

What's this?

Just an old newspaper.

It's porn! What?!

Every page—t*ts!

Does that bring a tear
to your eye as well, Ralph?

Thinking of your grandad
busting one out

while he waited to pick you
up from footy?

Pack it in!

I don't want your grandad's dried
spunk all over my head, do I?

Can we all just be quiet
for two f*cking minutes, please?

What's gotten into you?

What do you f*cking think, mate?
Just f*cking life, innit?

Everything we do turns to sh*t.

Summat good, like...

...like an adventure,
a car meet, turns out sh*t.

Summat else good comes along,
that turns out sh*t and all.

Do you want another sweet? No.

Do you want an old-fashioned wank?
No.

Look, let's just f*cking drive
somewhere else.

Where? Garden centre!

I don't mean t'garden centre,
I mean an adventure.

Maccies!

Maccies in't an adventure.

It's just yet more low-quality
consumer bullshit sold to us

as a distraction
from the bleakness of existence.

What, even Chicken Selects?
They're well nice.

♪ Centaur Skin
by Tobacco ♪

You passed, son.

Nothing behind you, everything ahead
of you,

as it ever was, on the road.

Never look back.

Who was that?

Bill. Who's Bill?

Bill's the best driving instructor
in the South Hackney area.

What's his accent?

That's the accent of the road.

Oh, hang on...

Must be someone else
here for t'meet, then.

Told you it an't started yet!

What they flashing for?

Maybe they want a race.

Flash him back, then!

What now?
I'm off over to 'em me.

Who's coming? I will!

Shall we play
My Mum Went To Market?

No f*cking way am
I playing that again.

I wouldn't normally wind
t'window down.

Are you lads new to this?

I thought so.
And how you doing, you all right?

Yeah, not bad.
Bit quiet here today, innit?

Yeah, it's a shame.

So, are you lads looking for
some action, are you?

Yeah, yeah, deffo.

You look quite young.

You sure you're old enough
to be up 'ere?

Yeah, 'course.
Come 'ere loadsa times.

If ya say so.

Tell ya what, why don't you jump in
t'back a minute?

Keep yersens warm.

Wan't sure there'd be anyone up
'ere at this time.

We just been to see his mum
in t'care home

and we sometimes stop
'ere on the way back through.

Oh, right.

How many of you is there?

Er... Four. Four? Mm!

Quite a lot! Yeah.

But we've taken on more than that
before.

We had, um...

...nine blokes at once couple of
month ago, Stefan?

So, how do you want us to start?

Erm... Well, how do you usually
start?

I would usually start by sucking
Stefan off.

I would sometimes suck the ba*ls,

but that can make him come
too quick.

You mean, during t'race you do that?
She in't on about racing.

What's she on about, then?
Dogging.

Are you... are you on about dogging?

Yeah.

What do you think I were on about?

Racing? Do you hear that, Stefan?

They thought I were on about racing!

Dogging? Like, shagging in t'car
and people watching?

Yeah.

Well, why do you do that?

Why do we do it?

I dunno.

That's a good question, that.

Life's all right,
don't get me wrong.

But it's as if life never had any
adventure to it.

Every day starts to feel... the same,
you know?

And that's fine. Each day is fine.

But in the end, you want some days
to feel more than fine,

different from fine.

Well, up here, we found it.

A different sort of day.

Away from it all.

Me and Stefan together like that,

with all them other lonely people
standing so close.

So close you could almost touch
them.

Bring them in.

Bring the whole world in.

But I know I can't.

Life is...

...what it is.

But you can still
find your own way to escape,

your own momentary flicker of light

in the vast darkness of existence.

So, do you want to watch me
suck Stefan's ba*ls?

No... I... dunno...

It's... Uh...

We're... We're good, ta.

Er... Thank you... We're...
We're going to, er...

Thank you, though. We'll just...

Take care.

Bye, lads!

They were nice lads,
weren't they, Stefan?

My mam went to market and
she got a lemon, a lime,

a pack of Superkings, fresh fish,
some new pegs, big brick,

chimney stack
and two new washing lines.

Oh, yeah, what's happening?
Are we racing them or what?

They're doggers.

What? Doggers!

So, this is a f*cking dogging site?!

That's why I'd seen cars
coming down!

Rupert, the twat! He's set us up!

f*cking dogging!

Eh, Craggy, have a bit of respect.
Eh?

They're human beings! Shut up!

They were friendly people,
to be fair to 'em.

They were really friendly!

And they're just two people

trying to find their way through
this shitshow we call life.

And, at end of t'day,
who are we to judge 'em?

Who are you calling? Lucy.

Eh, Lucy!

Are you still wi' Rupert?

Yeah, well, tell him t'joke's on him
because these doggers are two

o' the friendliest people you
could ever hope to meet.

I dunno what you're laughing for.

I hope your zoo loses custom! Bye.

It's easy to remember—A, B, C.

Accelerator, brake, clutch.

Does that make sense?

Mm.

Everything OK?

Yeah, yeah. Sorry, I just, uh...

I thought you'd be a bit different,
so...

How did you think I'd be?

It doesn't matter.

You seem quite tired.

No, I'm good, I'm good.

Uh... C, B, A.

A, B, C. A, B, C.

Right, this is turn off
for Garforth. What we saying?

Shall we just go home?
Driving's knackering.

Well, we need to go
to t'garden centre...

Yes, Craggy, I heard you
the first 2,047 times, mate!

I'm happy to go home,
but, Ralph, can I sit in your car

and drive for a bit whilst you
go in for your tea?

Whatever.

Wait. Are we joking?
We're going home already?

We're just going to drive to some
wasteland and then go home again?

Just yet another day that you'll
look back on and think,

"Oh, yeah, that day was fine,
wannit, yeah?"

Don't you want to escape?
Where's your spirit of adventure?

Let's... let's go somewhere!
Let's go on a mad un!

f*ck t'garden centre,
let's drive to t'horizon!

I don't think we've got enough
petty for t'horizon.

Then we'll get more.

All right, but yous lot are paying.

Who votes garden centre?

Who votes t'horizon?
Or as close to it as we can afford.

f*ck's sake!

♪ Get It On
by T. Rex ♪

We managed to scrape together £6.34.

Ralph got Addy to do
some calculations and,

given the car's appalling
fuel efficiency,

agreed to drive for exactly 11 miles
before turning around.

Right, we're almost at 11 now

so I'm only going to go
as far as that lamppost.

Wait, you can't stop in the middle
of the road!

We're going to have to.
We won't make it all t'way home.

We'll end up breaking down
outside of Margaret's house

wi' all t'gnomes in t'garden!

Just go up to them garages.
f*ck's sake!

Don't worry, everyone does that.

It's going to be fine, Craggy.

I don't think this 'ula hoe's
going to be safe on its own.

Come on.

I'm going to stay here, me.
Really? What?

Yeah.

Whoa! What is this place?

This is Granford.

Whoa, I can't believe
we're in Granford.

Sick! Look how different
everything is from Garforth!

What are you on about?
Everything's exactly t'same!

Er, have you ever seen
houses like that before?

Yeah, every day of my life.

Nah, them lampposts
are about a foot taller than ours.

I wonder what it'd be like to grow
up in a place like this.

Yeah. Right, we've had 'us fun,
let's get t'garden centre?

What are you on about?
We haven't even done owt yet!

Come on!

Oh, f*cking hell.

Ignition.

Clutch.

Gear.

Accelerator.

Find the biting point, and...

Oi, oi, oi, oi! What?

Go on! Go on, lad!

Yeah!

Oi!
Oh, sh*t!

♪ Who's gonna drive you home...? ♪

f*cking coming!

f*cking Granford's a sh*thole!

Absolute sh*thole!
f*ck your plants!

All right, all right, that's it now.
Let's get back t'car.

Oi!
Which way, is it?

It's there, thank f*ck!

Here, wipers! Wipers.

Oh!

I'm trying to find the biting point,
but I can't find the biting point,

so don't just sit there telling me
to find the biting point

over and over and over!

What even is the biting point?!

Are you happy with your life, Bill,
just sitting there in your tie,

with your own name on top of
your little car,

telling people to find
the f*cking biting point

over and over forever and ever and
ever and ever and ever every day?!

Liam!

Get... Get in the car!
f*ck! f*cking f*ck!

Go, go, go, go, go!

Quick!

f*ck!

Hula hoe's completely f*cked now.

Even t'handle.

Just buy a new
one at t'garden centre.

It's too late now, it'll be shut.

Evening, Margaret.

Tell Brendan I'm sorry
about the 'ula 'oe.

This in't first time I've said this,

but you need to get your f*cking
head tested, mate.

You've got a screw loose.

I'm really sorry
for my outburst, Bill.

I shouldn't have said
that your job was evil.

Or that you're personally
destroying children's lungs.

It's... the fault of the systemic
problem, not yours.

Hi, message for Abi.

This is Liam.

Just to confirm, I will attend
the CBT session on Monday.

Thanks.

♪ Born to be wild ♪

♪ Born to be wild. ♪