["Cup of Tea" by Robin Wynn]
There once was a girl
She said, I do,
I do take you
There once was a boy
He said, I do
[music abruptly stops]
[indistinct lyrics]
He said I do,
[indistinct lyrics]
[music stops abruptly]
[keys clattering]
[door unlocking]
[restaurant din]
[indistinct chatter]
[door creaking]
Hi. [chuckling]
Hi.
[chuckling]
God, you look fantastic.
No, I don't.
I mean, do I? Thank you.
Trying not to do that thing.
Never mind. Sorry.
-I think I'm nervous.
-It's fine.
I'm actually
pretty nervous too.
It's been a long time since
I've been out on a date.
Well, this-- is this a date?
I mean, I guess, sort of.
Uh...
Can I get you
something to drink?
Oh my God, yes. Wine.
Or, what are you having?
An Arnold Palmer.
What is that?
Like a Tom Collins?
What? You don't know what
an Arnold Palmer is?
-How have we gone--
-Hang on.
Jesus, don't Google it.
-Why?
-'Cause I can just tell you.
I hate it when--
sometimes when people do that
thing
where they act shocked
that someone doesn't know
the thing that they know,
sometimes
I find that frustrating,
so I just like to
find out for myself.
The dude was a golfer.
Yes.
Well, I'll have one too.
With bourbon in it.
Well, I was kind of
hoping we could just...
-What?
-Just totally be present,
you know?
Sober.
You mean sober.
I guess.
Yes, present and sober.
I think that's
gonna make it harder.
But if we're like
totally shithoused...
Eh, no. You're right.
Um...
Just get me the thing with
the most sugar in it, I guess.
I'll be right out.
Thanks.
So organized.
Yeah, well.
Wow, we're actually doing this.
Well, we don't have to.
-I brought--
-No, I want to.
-Okay. Good.
-I want to.
I mean, so do I.
Okay, good.
So, how do we...
Oh, well, there's instructions.
You see? Here.
Read one question
aloud to your partner,
then both of you answer.
Swap roles for
the next question.
Answering all of
the questions should
take about an hour,
but time isn't important.
You want to start, or...
Just dive right in.
We don't have to. We...
How are you?
Fine.
Yeah, I'm fine.
Oh, did the electrician come by
to fix the air conditioner?
Oh, yeah,
and it was kind of terrible,
'cause he was like, yeah,
if we were to run that thing
for even a minute, the whole
house might have burned down!
-sh*t.
-I know, right? That would...
Yeah, I know.
Except also, I don't know.
Maybe I should
just burn it down.
Why don't you just start?
Okay. Let's start.
Ladies first.
If you could invite anyone
in the world to dinner,
who would it be?
[chuckling] Arnold Palmer.
[chuckling] Just kidding.
Uh, anyone?
I mean, do they have
to be living, or...
-Doesn't say.
-Practically speaking,
you can't invite
a dead person to dinner.
I mean, not with that attitude.
George R.R. Martin.
-Really?
-Yeah.
So I could go all Kathy Bates
Misery on his a*s, right?
Like, well, hey, George,
enjoy the aperitifs,
but also, I'ma
to chain you to this radiator
until you finish
your f*cking books.
He's, like, super old.
That kind of stress
might just send him
into cardiac arrest,
but it's a good answer.
It's your turn.
Ruth Bader Ginsburg.
Why?
Why? Why isn't part
of the question.
Where'd you find these again?
Uh, on the internet.
Yeah, but, like...
No, it's just, like,
an article I read.
And it's, like, a science
experiment about love?
I mean...
Because I'm just curious,
you know, about, like,
the sample size
and the methodology.
You know, like,
how science-based is this?
Well, the article
wasn't about the experiment.
The article was about
this one person.
This one half of
this one couple, not, like,
the experiment itself.
Oh, yeah,
I think I've read that.
Yeah, well,
didn't I send that to you?
It doesn't matter.
Uh, would you like
to be famous?
In what way?
Oh, yes.
Injected it directly
into my veins.
Enjoy diabeetus.
Live a little, Arnold.
[chuckling]
Um, would you like
to be famous?
Yes.
Not, like, movie star famous?
Maybe Nobel Laureate famous?
You know, like,
a nice special interest piece
about me in the Times.
And that thing where,
like, only people in my field
recognize me for doing
this one great thing, you know?
And what would it be,
the thing that you were
great at in your field?
Um, I don't know.
It's always been the problem,
hasn't it?
What about you?
Oh, I would not
like to be famous.
Liar.
No, seriously.
Not at all?
Not at all.
-Maybe for a day?
-[gasps]
You could do that!
You could!
I heard this thing on NPR
all about how, like,
fame can be, like,
artificially manufactured.
Like, you could just
put on sunglasses
and walk out of the NBC
building with an entourage.
And people will just, like,
automatically
assume you're famous.
And they'll be like,
oh my God,
I love that guy
from that thing.
He's, like, my favorite.
[chuckling]
Sorry, that was supposed
to be your answer.
That's fine.
[chuckling]
Just read the next one.
Okay.
Um before making
a telephone call,
do you ever rehearse
what you are going to say?
-Why?
No.
-But you do.
-So I don't sound stupid.
I hate using
the phone as a phone.
It makes me anxious.
And I prefer to be prepared.
[chuckling]
Anyway, what would constitute
a perfect day for you?
I think it was my turn.
-Oh, sorry.
-No, it's fine.
It's fine, I mean--
It's fine.
When I was living in Chicago,
right when I moved in,
and you came to see me.
And all I had was
that big, ugly futon.
And you were so sick,
you'd caught some sort of
stomach bug from the plane,
I guess.
And we spent that entire week
on that big, ugly futon
with a bucket nearby.
And I pressed cold cloths
to your forehead.
And we watched
movie after movie.
Uh, we didn't talk,
not really, you know?
We just... were.
That's your perfect day?
-No, I don't mean...
-Me throwing up into a bucket
-is your perfect day.
-That is not what I meant.
And anyway, we agreed.
We agreed that we were
going to really do this.
Like, really do this.
And not bring all
of our baggage into it.
So you can't just sit there
and answer questions like,
Oh, the best day of
my life was when
you were puking into
a f*cking bucket.
Fine, fine.
Okay, fine.
We don't...
[exhaling]
What about you?
What's your perfect day?
I don't want
to answer that one.
Well, that isn't how
this works.
Either we do this, like,
really do this, or we don't.
Fine.
Fine.
There are
these panda preserves in China.
And you can go there,
and you can hold a baby one.
I think that would be,
like, the perfect day.
You know they make you,
like, shovel sh*t first.
What?
Yeah, like, you go there,
and you volunteer your time.
And you clean the cages,
and shovel the sh*t,
and feed the things,
and you get to hold one for,
like, two minutes
while they take your picture.
Okay.
I'm just saying.
Well, I still think
it would be worth it.
You read the next one.
When did you last sing
to yourself to someone else?
Uh, this morning, probably.
You know,
I have a song for my contacts.
This goes in my right eye,
I cannot go wrong
If I put it in my right eye,
and I sing this song
Yeah.
You?
Uh, in the car.
Yeah.
And to someone else?
What?
What?
-What do you want me to say?
-The truth.
Okay, not since Jake.
You wanted the truth.
If you were able to live
to the age of 90,
and retain either the mind
or body of a 30-year-old
for the last 60 years of your
life, which would you want?
-Mind.
-Body.
It's harder for women.
Okay.
Do you have a secret hunch
about how you will die?
No.
I can't even think about it.
My therapist says I have
to stop the thought spirals
before they even start.
Do you?
Well, I mean,
both my parents died of
heart attacks
in their 50s, so I...
But you're in much
better shape than they were.
I mean,
you can't fight genetics.
It's you next.
Uh, name three things
you and your partner
appear to have in common.
Okay. One,
unconventionally placed Ys
in our first names.
Two, we're both only children.
Yeah, but up here it says--
I think you're supposed
to go on like...
Oh, yeah. Sure. Fine. Um...
Okay. Two,
we're both wearing rings.
I gave it back to you, Wyatt.
It was like
a family heirloom thing.
You know I gave it back to you.
Yeah, the engagement ring,
not the wedding band.
I mean, I still...
[Wyatt scoffs]
-Don't make this into a thing.
-[Wyatt] Fine.
[scoffs]
Fine.
[exhales]
Two, we're both...
wearing pants.
And three, our son.
That would be something
we have in common.
Yeah, we have a son together.
He may not exist anymore,
but that doesn't mean that...
He exists.
That isn't what I--
Don't ever say
he doesn't exist.
Merryn, I didn't--
It was a poor choice of words.
This was supposed to be
a reconnection, Wyatt.
I know, but how can we honestly
expect to reconnect?
-Merryn, if we never talk--
-I don't want to talk about--
I just, I didn't...
I'm not, like,
prepared for it, okay?
And so besides, you promised.
-You promised!
-Hey, I'm sorry, okay?
I'm sorry.
Can we just...
Yeah, we can go back
to the questions.
-Please.
-[Wyatt] Yeah.
[Wyatt sighs]
-Yeah. Yeah.
-[Merryn] Just...
Of all the people
in your family, whose...
whose death would
you find most disturbing?
[poignant piano instrumental]
Can we skip that one?
Yeah.
[Wyatt] f*ck that question.
Hey, do you want...
Can we, like,
walk or something?
Yeah, sure.
[Merryn] Mm!
Sorry, it's..
[Wyatt] You want to just...
[Merryn] Yeah.
[Wyatt] Um...
If you could
change anything about
the way you were raised,
what would it be?
[Merryn] That's easy.
-I'd want a sister.
-[Wyatt] Yeah?
Or a brother, sure.
I mean, it's really lonely,
I think, being a kid.
Especially if
your parents leave you with
a babysitter all the time
and never tell you anything.
So I just
always wanted a sister.
A built-in best friend,
you know?
[Wyatt] Yeah,
unless she hated you.
[Merryn] Why would she hate me?
[Wyatt] She wouldn't.
I'm sorry,
I don't know why I said that.
-[Merryn] Okay.
-[Wyatt chuckles]
[Merryn] It's my turn.
Uh, if you could wake up
tomorrow having gained
any one quality or ability,
what would it be?
I would like to be able
to speak all known languages.
And understand?
Of course I'd understand.
Isn't that a given?
No, you have to be specific.
If you make a wish
and you're not specific,
you could end up being able
to speak all languages
but have no clue whatsoever
as to what you're saying.
Yeah, okay,
I'll be sure to be careful
the next time
I bump into a sorceress.
Since when do sorceresses
grant wishes?
-Whatever, Merryn.
-Okay.
[chuckling] Next.
If a crystal ball
could tell you the truth
about yourself,
your life, the future,
or anything else,
what would you want to know?
Just what am I supposed
to be doing, you know?
And that was always the thing
I envied most about you.
You always knew what it was
you were supposed to be doing.
You just did it.
Teaching was
never the dream, Merryn.
But you're so good at it.
You've had the pick of colleges
since before I even met you.
And you just shine up there.
I snuck into
one of your lectures once.
Sat in the back.
You were lecturing about,
I don't know, James Joyce?
James Joyce, yeah.
-Or something, yeah.
-It's always Joyce.
When I was in college,
I would be doodling all over
my books or whatever.
But every one of
those kids have their eyes
just locked on you,
it was magical.
Yeah, well,
I didn't want to be talking
about the great writers,
Merryn.
I wanted to be one
of the great writers.
You were a good writer.
You are a good writer.
And if you ever showed anyone
your stuff, you would know--
No, I'm middling at best.
Well, there's
a market for middling.
Not in poetry.
-Not really.
-[Merryn sighs]
And besides,
there's no money in it.
Well, there's never
any money in anything good.
-Oh, come on. That's just...
-True?
Reductive.
Wow.
You still write?
Yeah, of course.
It's like a compulsion.
It's just, I don't know...
Scraps, you know? Vignettes.
I can't...
There's no cohesion.
It's just
a bunch of f*cking chaos.
Do you remember
that poem you wrote for me?
I've written
hundreds of poems for you.
Hundreds.
What's the next question?
Take four minutes
and tell your partner
your life story in as
much detail as possible.
-I don't want to do that one.
-Too bad.
-I mean, what's the point?
-I'll go first.
Ill go first, then. Okay?
I'm just gonna set a timer.
Oh, gosh. Okay. Um. [chuckles]
I was born
in Sacramento in 1983.
I grew up in
the foothills of Mount Ockham.
We didn't really know anybody.
Um...
My parents made me
do normal kid stuff.
You know, like soccer,
piano lessons, or ballet.
I did it all.
Begrudgingly.
I think my mom was
waiting for one of my coaches
or instructors
to be like, "Oh, wow.
You know, like, she really has
a gift for this."
But none of them
ever said that, so...
Anyway, um...
I went to school nearby.
But the bus ride was
like half an hour or so.
And eventually they cut
the funding to the buses.
My parents had to drive me
to school every day.
So I just kind of felt like
an outsider, you know?
Because so much social stuff
happened on the bus.
I didn't really have
very many friends.
Or any, really.
But that was okay because
it gave me a chance
to focus on school.
You were a really
good student, right?
Yeah, I did
really well in school.
I got straight A's.
I got a scholarship.
And I ended up going really,
really far away for college.
I thought,
I don't really have a life
for myself in California.
So I'm just going to go really,
really far away.
So I went to
a school in Chicago.
So I went.
And my college roommate
was my first real friend.
Becky Landon.
-You know her.
-I do.
I started
studying communications.
Thinking I could
just get a good job
in an office somewhere.
And really
take the time to find out
what I was interested in.
And I thought, you know what,
I like science museums,
and I like art,
and I like music.
And I thought,
well, maybe one day
I'll be good enough
at something specific.
You know, I'll be interested
in something specific enough.
And it'll catch.
And I'll stick to it.
But I never found that thing.
Instead, I found a husband.
And we got married on
a vineyard in Sonoma.
Because his parents died young
and he inherited some money.
And I haven't done anything.
I haven't done
anything interesting.
I haven't...
gone anywhere interesting.
I haven't become
anything interesting.
I am just an office manager
in a big building
with an empty house
with an empty life.
Is my time up yet?
Is my time--
Look, I'm not even enough
to fill four minutes.
-I think you're interesting.
-I'm not.
-I'm, like, objectively not.
-Merr...
Will you just go now, please?
Uh, yeah.
Okay.
Uh, are you gonna...
Well, um...
I was born
in Bloomfield Hills to, like,
sort of wealthy parents.
My folks couldn't
have any kids after me.
So when they died,
I inherited a lot of money.
[scoffs] I went to Yale,
where I studied poetry.
Which is just like
the most useless...
Anyway, um...
You can't make
a living writing poetry, so...
When my parents died,
they put my money in a trust
that I couldn't touch
until I was 30.
So I had to get a job.
You know, boo-hoo, I know.
Um so I got a job
teaching literature.
First at
Oakland Community College,
and then at DePaul,
where I met you.
In Chicago.
[scoffs] I can't...
I can't do this.
Pretend that you haven't
heard this story,
all of my stories,
like, a million times.
I like your stories.
You know,
the first time I saw you,
you were carrying
that exact same stupid,
fat messenger bag into
the humanities building.
You were walking up the steps,
and it was so cold outside.
You had a scarf wrapped around
half your face.
And you hit one of
those muddy snow slush puddles,
and it splashed all over
the side of your pant leg.
And you reached down
to try to get it off,
and you just got mud
all over your mitten.
And then you got that
all over your coat.
I don't remember that.
I know, but the time
that you actually remember,
the time
we actually met, right?
At the front desk in the lobby?
-I do remember that.
-Yeah, I knew that it was you,
because I could see
the little muddy mitten prints
all over your coat.
[chuckling]
So, I guess, I mean,
all the stuff that comes before
that moment just doesn't
seem so important to me.
And that moment feels like
the beginning of my life.
What is
your most treasured memory?
And I swear to God,
if it is me
-puking into a bucket...
-No.
...I'm gonna puke
into a bucket.
[chuckling]
No.
Uh, well, I just told you mine.
Muddy mitten prints.
What's yours?
The 20-week sonogram?
[both chuckling]
I don't know.
I remember you were,
like, gripping my hand,
because that was
the appointment where
they were going to tell us
if anything was wrong.
And you remember he had
that fluid on his kidneys?
The kidney thing, yeah.
And the ultrasound tech
was like,
yeah,
I wouldn't worry about that.
We see that in
a lot of baby boys.
Because she didn't know
that nobody had
told us what
we were having yet.
And you looked at me like,
is this okay?
Because you knew how
much I wanted a girl.
Ugh, I wanted a girl so much.
And I expected
to be disappointed,
but my heart swelled
and jumped up into my throat,
because I would have a son.
And if I was lucky,
he would be just like you.
And he was.
[children shouting
and laughing]
Hey, can we...
-Do you want to go somewhere?
-...Go somewhere?
Yeah, sure. Um...
-Where do you want to go?
-I don't know.
Somewhere,
like, private, I think?
-Uh, the house?
-No, not the house.
Your place, maybe?
Uh, yeah, sure.
Also, I kind of have to pee.
You really actually
need to pee,
or do you need
to sit on the toilet
and look at your phone
for ten minutes?
Uh...
Yeah, no, both, I think.
Maybe both.
Where'd you park?
Oh, well, I got a ride, because
I thought we'd be drinking.
All right, well, I'm just...
What did we do on toilets
before cell phones?
Suffered.
Oh, um, don't say anything
about the car.
What do you mean?
[Merryn] Oh.
[clutter rustling]
-[music plays through speakers]
-[Merryn] Oh! sh**t...
[music playing indistinctly]
You didn't un-sync me.
Don't read anything into it.
What?
My messenger bag is not stupid.
[Merryn sighs]
I feel their cold hands
reaching out for me
They grasp my hope
and bend it round
I see their lips move,
I can understand
Their regret...
[Merryn] So...
This is it.
It's nice.
It isn't. [chuckles]
Well, it'll be nice
to picture you in a real place.
Where's your bathroom?
Uh...
Just through there,
on the right.
-Thanks.
-Yeah.
Oh, and also, I don't know,
I'm kind of getting hungry,
but not, like, meal-hungry,
like, snacky-hungry.
Okay, um...
Well, I got pita.
And that spinach artichoke dip
that we used to get.
-Oh, hell yeah.
-Yeah?
-Yeah.
-Okay.
Also, um...
[chuckles]
I'm rethinking the booze.
[Merryn] What?
This, um, this is just...
[muttering indistinctly]
[indistinct]
Hey, um, you don't have hand
towels in your bathroom, so...
Oh, um...
Yeah, just, uh,
wipe them wherever.
Wait, do you have a dish towel?
No, I don't.
Um, this place,
like, I don't know,
it's missing
a lot of the basics.
We came all, like,
pre-fab or whatever.
I didn't want to buy
anything of my own,
so whatever's not here,
is just...
Um...
Seriously,
just wipe them wherever.
Yeah.
[chuckling]
Great.
You like it here?
Uh, yeah, it's fine.
It's whatever.
-You hate it?
-Yeah, I f*cking hate it.
Merryn, look at it.
Jesus Christ,
it has no personality.
Should have let you
keep the house.
Yeah, if you're
gonna just burn it down.
[chuckles]
Well, what's next?
Oh.
Um...
If you knew that in one year
you would die suddenly,
would you change anything about
the way you're now living?
Why?
Um...
I would quit teaching.
And spend my time in a--
a seaside cottage
somewhere, writing.
Mm-hmm.
And, uh...
when the sun went down,
I'd sit on a porch with you,
and, um...
I'd read you
what I'd written, and...
drink wine,
and then go to bed with you,
-and, uh...
-Oh, okay. Okay.
Okay. [chuckles]
Yeah, and you?
Mm-hmm.
I think...
I wouldn't change anything.
But I think it would change me,
you know?
-Sure.
-And I would just feel, like,
at peace somehow, like,
okay, don't have to worry
about anything anymore,
because it's
all gonna end soon.
I don't mean
to be bleak, but...
[indistinct] Yeah.
No, I mean, I get it.
Yeah. I get it.
You're next.
Um...
Alternate sharing
something you consider
a positive characteristic
of your partner.
Share a total of five items.
You're beautiful.
You're correct.
[both giggling]
You're smart. [laughing]
You're, um, kind.
-You're creative.
-You're funny.
You're punctual.
Punctual.
Yeah.
I like that about you.
Okay. Okay. Um...
You're... open.
I mean, what am I...
You were open
to this whole thing.
I guess.
Plenty of people in
our position would have just
completely given up,
you know, like,
just thrown in the towel
or whatever, but...
When I brought the idea up,
you were all in.
Well, we love each other.
I figured,
why not give it one last shot?
Yeah.
Anyway, um...
You are strong.
And you can reach things
in high places.
Great. [chuckles]
That five?
Uh, four, I think.
One more, then.
Yeah. You're, um...
You can't think of one,
can you?
Wait a minute.
Just give me a second.
-I could go on and on.
-I can't--
You are handsome.
You're conscientious.
You're successful.
You are loyal.
-You are dutiful.
-You're loyal.
Well, you can't
take one I said. What?
Okay, you--
Fine. You're...
Interested.
What does that mean?
Mm, curious.
You want to know things.
You want to be
a part of things.
-You're interested.
-Not interesting.
You've always been so
supportive of me and my work.
So interested
in what I was doing.
It made me feel like
I wasn't so mediocre.
Ugh. You're not.
Merryn, I am, okay?
You're the only one
who ever said otherwise.
Yeah, because you never
show anyone your stuff.
-If you had, then--
-I have, all right?
I have.
I... [sighs]
I've shopped my stuff around,
and it's just...
I created this
whole other email address,
and it's just...
Rejection
after rejection after...
Why didn't you ever tell me?
Because I didn't need you
to see me fail.
I felt shitty enough as it is.
I didn't need
my wife seeing it.
-[Merryn sighs]
-I'm not as good
-as you think I am.
-You are precisely as good
as I think you are.
You don't know
anything about it.
Okay, fine.
It's fine.
Just, um...
Just read the next question.
Is there something
that you've dreamed
of doing for a long time?
Why haven't you done it?
Honestly?
No.
[Wyatt] Nothing?
Not really.
I guess...
[Wyatt] What?
Say it.
It's okay, Merryn.
I guess I haven't dreamed
of doing anything since Jake.
[tearfully] I'm sorry.
Mm, I know what I said,
I know what we agreed.
It's... it's okay.
No, it isn't.
It wasn't supposed
to be about him.
-None of it was.
-I think it's stupid
to think we could have ever
kept him out of this.
But it's supposed
to be about us.
-About saving us.
-Here, read the next question.
No, I'm trying
to make a point here.
No, no, so am I.
Read it.
[sighs] What is the...
What is the greatest
accomplishment of your life?
You can't say that. That...
-You can't say that.
-Why not?
Because he wasn't
an accomplishment.
-He was a human being.
-Merryn, we raised a smart,
compassionate,
loving little boy.
-We did that.
-You and me.
And then he died.
[scoffs]
Yeah.
Yeah, he did.
-Yeah.
-I know.
I was there too, remember?
No, in your mind it's
all your own personal tragedy.
You remember that
you were holding him, Merryn,
but you forget
who was holding you.
No, I did not forget, Wyatt.
I can't get it
the f*ck out of my head.
Why do you think we fell apart?
[exhales]
[sobbing quietly]
-What is your most terrible...
-Yeah.
You know, when I was in labor,
I felt trapped in my body.
Like the spine-wrenching
pressure of it
put me in fight-or-flight mode
and all I wanted to do was
to find a way out,
but I couldn't.
And it lasted so long I thought
the pain would be permanent.
I thought all
the baby books had been
a bunch of bullshit
and my body would burn forever.
And then it was over
and they put him in my arms
and all of that evaporated
in an instant.
And when he died...
I felt it like a second labor.
Like something that...
ripped me open and set
my nerves on fire, and...
they put him in my arms
and he was still so warm
I closed my eyes
and pretended he was asleep.
But he looked...
mangled, Wyatt.
And... raw, and...
then I thought about all
the blood that brought him here
and all the blood
that took him out again
and I gave myself over
to the hurt of it and you...
you needed to hold me
and be held in the aftermath.
Of course you did,
but I felt the loss in my body.
And even the slightest pressure
from your fingertips was enough
to make me keel over
and I thought,
"It won't be
like this forever.
You know, it'll ease up.
It has to."
The impermanence of pain,
but it hasn't.
Not one bit.
And I think I will
feel this way forever.
[Wyatt sighing]
Well, f*ck.
How do we come back from that?
I don't know that we do.
How about that drink?
Bourbon.
To Jacob.
Are you officially
giving up then?
I'm not.
-Wyatt.
-I'm not.
Then, what's next?
"What roles do love and
affection play in your life?"
[laughing]
Oh, my God. Um...
I honestly don't even
know anymore.
Hey, can I, um...
It's like...
weirdly quiet in here.
Can I just put on some music
or something?
Yeah.
Oh, you know what?
I have that playlist
we used to like.
Oh, yeah. It's here.
I didn't unsync you
here either.
There.
[gentle acoustic music]
I feel faint
when you lift me off my feet
I love this song.
I remember.
We danced to it
when we were [indistinct].
I remember.
I can't.
I don't really listen to it
that much anymore.
Yeah, I don't really either.
Except when I'm feeling
particularly long in the tooth.
Long in the...
[Wyatt chuckling]
That's not how
that idiom is used.
Yes, it is.
-It's not.
-Yeah.
It means sad, doesn't it?
-It means old.
-Oh, wait.
I think maybe you meant
long in the face.
You know, like,
why the long face?
Oh, whatever.
It doesn't matter.
You know what I meant. God.
You know,
that's why you liked me.
At first.
You liked being around someone
you could correct all the time.
Made you feel smart.
Like the big man.
Yeah. That's not true.
-Yes, it is.
-It's not.
It's okay.
I think I cultivated it.
I like the way
you looked at me, like...
"Oh, you sweet, great thing.
Here, come.
Sit on my lap and let me tell
you how the world really is."
-Well, come sit on my lap.
-Wyatt.
No, let me show you how the
world really is [indistinct].
Oh, I know how
the world really is.
Well, come sit
on my lap anyway.
"What roles do love...
-Yes.
-...and affection..."
Well, um...
When I was younger, anyway,
I mean, I was just...
Constantly getting laid?
Like, I didn't know who I was
if I wasn't pressed up
against somebody else's skin.
Yeah, I took that, um...
That online test
that you sent me. The, um...
-The love language?
-The love languages one.
Yes, I did that. And, uh...
I got a three-way tie. I got...
Uh, words of affirmation,
I got physical touch.
And I got, um,
acts of service.
And I just knew that I could
eat up every ounce of affection
anyone ever gave me
and it was never...
It was never enough.
Oh. And maybe it was just like,
you know...
some constant need for
any form of validation, really.
I wasn't getting it
from my writing,
so I had to get it
from wherever, right?
So, it was just,
I just felt like
this black hole in me.
-And, you know...
-Me too.
Boys would always tell me
I was too needy.
But I always sort of suspected
that was code
for "stop feeling
your feelings."
-Right.
-But you never said that to me.
Not once.
I would hug you extra long.
See how long
I could get away with
and you never
pulled away first.
Never.
You would just stand there
and let me lean my head
against your chest.
And on the good days,
you would hum.
And I could feel the music
vibrating through our bones.
And on the bad days,
you would just be quiet and...
And you would stay like that
until I was strong enough to
let go.
And you...
You called me beautiful.
Like it was my name and...
And you sent me flowers on
the first of every month.
And I stopped feeling like a...
Uh, what did you just call it?
-Oh, it was a-- a black hole.
-A black hole of need.
Because you filled me up, so...
What roles do love and
affection play in my life?
Oh, God.
They were everything to me.
So, why can't I feel it now?
Why can't I feel it?
You can't feel it now?
No.
Don't say you can't
f*cking feel it. Feel it.
I refuse to...
There's no way
I'm the only one.
I feel it, Merryn.
-Good for you.
-Oh, f*ck off.
-Oh, real nice.
-No, you're lying to yourself.
-No, I am not. No, I'm not!
-You are.
God, it's like static
electricity in the air.
No, don't look away. Don't...
Since why I'm the only one
fighting for us.
That's not fair.
I'm here, aren't I?
You have to do more than
just show up, Merryn.
I don't know what
-you want from me, Wyatt.
-I want you.
[Wyatt]
I want...
I don't want you
to give up on us.
I don't want you
to f*cking placate me
so I'll sign the g*dd*mn
divorce papers, Merryn.
I want you to fight with me.
Look at me.
Look at me.
I can't wait upon
the stars no more
Fight.
Could you please
release me
I will grow old,
I can't stay young
I will grow old
and may forget your name
So, I'll sing you one last
song and make it last long
All through the night,
to the dawn
Come to me
Don't you run from me
[Merryn moaning]
I can't wait upon
the stars no more
Could you
please release me?
Could you
please release me?
[Merryn laughing]
I'm just gonna...
Hurry up.
[Merryn exhaling]
-Hey.
-Yeah?
Can we wear pajamas?
I feel so strange.
Uh, yeah.
Wait, did you, like,
bring some?
No. I didn't, like,
come prepared for a sleepover.
And I'm not saying
I'm gonna stay.
[Wyatt]
Yeah, yeah.
Um, there's clean laundry
and a basket, like...
-I'll find it.
-[Wyatt] Um, all right, yeah.
[Wyatt exhaling]
[deep exhale]
Where did you find that?
[muffled] Linen closet
behind the beach towels.
[Wyatt]
Where it should have stayed.
[deep gasp] Whatever.
[light giggles]
Okay, so...
Next question, then?
Read on.
Mmm... Make three true
"We" statements each.
For instance, we are both in
this room feeling...
We are both
in this room feeling...
sexually satisfied.
[coughing]
No?
We are both in this room
feeling connected, I think.
Yeah, totally.
Uh... We are both happy.
To be with one another.
We are both
wearing your clothes.
Yeah, but they look much better
on you.
We are both, uh...
deeply dissatisfied by the food
options I've put before us,
-aren't we?
-We are.
-We are desirous of pizza?
-We definitely are.
We are wondering
where to order from.
We are curious, does Red House
reach all the way out here?
We are fairly certain
it does not.
[sighs] We are disappointed.
But we will settle
for Pizza Palace?
We will settle
for Pizza Palace.
Uh...
Are we still not eating meat?
We are eating
whatever the f*ck we want to.
Really?
We're eating Italian sausage?
Yeah, we are.
Maybe some green pepper
and beans?
We are pleased with this.
Do you want, like,
breadsticks or something?
-Do I want?
-Do we?
We do not.
Do we have a pizza ordering app
on our phones?
Do we order pizza,
like, maybe way too much?
We don't like to cook.
There.
What's next?
[light humming]
"Complete this sentence:
I wish I had someone with whom
I could share..."
-Dot-dot-dot.
-Right.
Um...
My bed.
And not, like-- not, like,
in a sex way, necessarily.
No, I know. You're always
a very, like, tactile person.
Yeah.
If I'm being honest,
I'm-- I'm good during the day.
I'm good, like, around people.
I'm good in the sun.
-But at night...
-It's all harder at night.
It's like having a cold
or the flu, almost.
And you always feel sicker
at night.
This is no different, really.
Yeah.
What about you?
I wish...
I had someone
with whom I could share...
The loss of my son.
And I don't mean you.
I mean, someone who gets it,
you know?
You don't go to group?
I could never really bring
myself to--
-do you?
-No.
What about that, um...
-That mommy and me thing?
-God.
No, none of the...
The moms, you know,
none of them...
They wouldn't see me after.
Maybe it was because
there was no one
for their kid to play with,
but I think...
I think it's because
they were afraid
that whatever happened
to me...
To us...
...was catching.
I sometimes talk to my mom
about it, super rarely.
-And?
-It's terrible.
She just f*cking cries.
I hate it.
Yeah? You know, the only time
that I ever felt grateful
that my parents were dead
was when Jacob died.
So I wouldn't have to call
and tell them.
You can talk to me.
I can't.
I'm sorry, but I can't.
Not really.
I mean, when we talk about it...
We just experienced it
so differently, and...
I just feel like I am alone
at rock bottom,
and I just kind of wish
somebody was down here with me.
You don't act
like you're at rock bottom.
What does someone
at rock bottom act like?
Like they'd rather
just be dead.
I mean, basically, but you...
You live your life.
I mean, f*ck, you told me
you went on a date recently,
which I still can't remember.
I only told you that
so I could be sure
we were both in the same place.
I didn't want to be accused
of cheating.
It was...
Cheating.
Merryn, we're still married.
We don't even live
in the same house.
-Only because you made me move.
-I did not make you move!
You wanted to go.
You said you were...
Oh my god, what was that
phrase you used? Oh, right.
Drowning
in my abject melancholy.
Write a f*cking poem about it
or something, Jesus.
Seems like you
got a lot happier, huh?
Soon as I was gone.
Must have been a relief
to get laid again
since we barely touched
each other
the last year
we were under the same roof.
Oh my god,
what a thing to b*tch about.
Like literal minutes
after we just had sex.
And anyway, I didn't f*ck him.
I just went on a date.
Yeah, well,
I hope you had a good time.
-I did!
-Yeah? Good.
Yeah, he took me to Benihana
and it was nice.
Fantastic. Had a nice
conversation with him, huh?
Good connection
while the guy in the stupid hat
was grilling up
your f*cking shrimp.
Those shrimp...
Are delicious.
[both chuckle]
I did not cheat on you.
I just wanted to know
if there was a life
left in the world for me,
that's all.
-[sighs]
-Is there?
Maybe not.
Not with that guy anyway.
-No?
-No.
I mean, I met him on Tinder,
so I guess I just felt lucky
he didn't try to m*rder me
or something.
-Wow. Tinder.
-What?
No, it's like a hookup app
for 20-somethings.
-It is not.
-No, it really is.
Okay, so how would you know?
Are you on it?
I mean, I downloaded it,
but I never got on it.
-[long gasp] I knew it!
-What?
You are all high and mighty
about us still being married,
but you want to get laid
even more than I do.
I mean, yes,
but the difference is
that I haven't actually made
the effort yet.
-I haven't met anyone.
-You swear it?
Yeah, I swear it.
So...
It's just internet porn for me.
-Not that I have any right.
-Of course you do, Merryn.
-You're my wife.
-Yeah, for now.
[laughs]
"Share with your partner
an embarrassing moment in your
life."
Oh.
Easy.
Okay. Um...
When I was in the ninth grade,
I was wearing
these white jeans
-and I bled through...
-You bled through.
You told me that,
like, on our second date.
-I did not.
-Yeah, you did.
And in my mind, I'm going,
"isn't telling basically
a stranger this story
more embarrassing
than the story itself?"
Wow, judgey.
No, I only mean
that it was like...
I just think that was
a very formative story.
Like, I will not wear
white pants...
[both] ...to this day.
Your wedding dress
wasn't even white.
Oh, man.
That dress. [laughs]
I thought your mother
was gonna have a heart attack.
-Okay, so my thinking was--
-I remember.
--why should this one day
be totally other?
-Other.
-Exactly.
I like getting dressed up.
You know, wearing something
I wouldn't normally wear.
Well, I wouldn't normally wear
a ball gown anyway, but...
At least that dress
looked like me.
You know, looked like
something I might wear.
Yeah.
You have no idea
how many traditional
white dresses I tried on.
And almost all of them
were sleeveless
with a sweetheart neckline.
I looked at myself in these
three gigantic mirrors,
and I just thought,
this is not me.
And on that day,
I wanted to be the most me.
-You know, the best me.
-Yeah, I do.
And you.
You rocked that suit.
-Why, thank you.
-You did.
God, I remember
being in that church
and walking down the aisle
on my father's arm
and seeing you
in that three-piece suit
and just thinking, man...
I would really like
to f*ck him right now.
-No, you didn't.
-Yeah, swear to God.
Well, you were the only one
looking at me.
Everybody else in that f*cking
zip code had their eyes on you.
What's next?
When was the last time
you cried
in front of another person,
and by yourself?
[sighs]
Nikki came by last week
to watch the Padres game,
and I cried because they won.
Yep, you always were a crier.
-It's healthy.
-Yeah.
Yeah.
Totally.
Okay, the thing about criers
is that they suck up
all the emotional energy
in the space around them.
So, like, if you're going to be
the crier, then I can't be.
That's not true.
What? Yes, it is.
When was the last time
you saw me cry?
I mean, not counting Jacob,
when was the last time
you saw me cry?
-Jacob counts.
-Yeah, but that wasn't crying.
That was...
something else.
When was the last time I,
like, sniffled at a rom-com
or gushed over a baby?
You can't think of one,
can you?
Yeah, but that doesn't mean
it hasn't happened.
I'm just saying, I don't really
do it all that much.
And I think part of that is
because you cry at everything,
and so I don't really have
any space to.
-That's dumb.
-What?
I'm sorry, but that's dumb.
Just because I cry
doesn't mean that you can't.
But then we're both ba*ls
of useless sniveling.
So?
Join me.
Anyway.
"What, if anything,
is too serious to joke about?"
[both] Nothing.
Uh...
Your house,
containing everything you own,
catches fire.
After saving your loved ones
and pets,
you have time to safely
make a final dash
to save any one item.
What would it be, and why?
I mean, my cell phone
is probably the trite answer,
but also maybe the true one.
[laughs]
[gasps] Oh, no.
My camera.
The Nikon?
Yeah. I--
I've never seen you use
that thing, like, ever.
I mean, you took it out of
the box on Christmas morning,
snapped a few photos,
but I've never once seen you
use it again, after.
I never have.
It's still in the box
in the back of the closet.
But there are pictures
of us on there.
Of him.
That I've never seen before.
And I have memorized the line
of every other photograph
we have ever taken.
I know his expression
in every frozen moment,
but...
those pictures would be new.
So...
that is what I would save.
[sighs]
What if they're bad?
[laughs]
Then they're bad.
They probably are.
[laughs]
But at least they'd be new.
You?
Oh, um, yeah.
Uh...
I have this box, um,
filled with stupid sh*t,
like, um,
like the-- the ticket stub
from the time
when we went to go see
Ben Folds in concert.
-Mm!
-Or, um,
the lanyard from Comic-Con.
You hated Comic-Con.
-I didn't hate Comic-Con.
-Yes, you did.
You said it was full
of sweaty cosplay nerds,
-and you hated it.
-You hated Comic-Con.
I seriously hated it.
I have no idea why we stayed
as long as we did.
Because you're obsessed
with Nathan Fillion,
and you thought
that we'd see him.
-I am not obsessed.
-Okay, Ms. Browncoat.
Oh, college-era AIM handles
are inadmissible!
Whatever, nerd.
Oh, uh, okay.
I think we've strayed
off the topic here.
-Just--
-Yeah, okay.
-[snorts]
-Sorry. [laughs]
So, yeah,
I have this box, right?
And it's just filled with,
like, I don't know,
like, garbage, I mean,
it's like stupid sh*t
that Jake made, you know,
his first few days
of kindergarten,
out of, like, construction
paper and macaroni.
That is not stupid.
It's not anything. It's just--
Abstract art.
[laughs] Yeah.
So, yeah. Um...
And, like, you know, a copy
of our wedding invitation,
and those naked Polaroids
I snapped of you
the first year
we were dating.
You kept those?
I feel like I should be mad,
but I just kind of
want to see them.
Like, pre-baby body. Oh!
Well, I can go get the box.
-I mean, it's--
-No, no, no.
I like that they're just
yours now.
[both laugh]
If you were going to become a
close friend with your partner,
share what would be important
for him or her to know.
-No, we are close friends.
-[giggles]
Are we?
Yeah. [scoffs]
Mm... are we?
Uh, okay, not to put
too fine a point on it,
but you are the single most
important person
in the entire universe to me.
Okay.
But that doesn't, like,
make us friends.
[scoffs]
[sighs] I guess.
I've had a lot of bourbon
at this point, so...
Yeah?
All right, there's just-- I...
What?
This is not meant
to be a threat.
It's not meant to...
You can say it.
I'm dead without you.
I just am.
And...
Not literally.
Right, and maybe not
even permanently,
but that's what it feels like.
Hmm.
You wanna know the worst truth?
Like, the worst.
-Tell me.
-Funny.
-You'll hate me after.
-Hmm.
When I got the call
about the accident,
I knew you were with him.
But I thought you were
with him in the car.
And when I got to the hospital
and I saw you,
when he was still in surgery...
my knees gave out, nearly,
because I was so...
relieved.
I'd made a bargain with God.
I ran red lights.
[laughs] I made a bargain
with God,
and I said,
"Just save my wife."
-"Just save my wife."
-That's not a bargain.
"Take anything else
you want to take.
Just save my wife."
I loved that boy.
I will...
love him...
Until the day I die.
And beyond, because he was
as much a part of me
as I was of him.
But I knew before
I got there,
that I could survive if he...
But not you.
I--
I couldn't survive...
losing you.
Mer.
Say something.
I can't...
even begin to know how
to respond to that.
-It's a compliment.
-[groans]
Sort of, I--
Merryn.
-Stop.
-No.
Look, you think I don't--
I don't hate myself
for feeling that way?
You think I'm unaware of how
goddamned unnatural it is?
I'm sorry, okay?
I wish I were a better man.
Or parent, or...
I'm sorry, okay?
You know what, the thing
that eats away at me?
The guilt thing that I probably
shouldn't confess
is that I would trade you
in a second.
I wouldn't even think twice.
You for him!
Easiest decision in the world.
Yeah.
If I could trade me,
I would, too.
-Really?
-[Wyatt] Yes!
Easiest decision in the world.
I just wouldn't trade
anything for you.
Why? What even am I?
-I'm not anything.
-Stop!
-Merryn!
-I don't know what to do
with this, Wyatt!
Because you are my second
favorite person
that has ever existed.
You deserve more
than second place.
I will take second.
-Happily.
-[Merryn sighs]
[doorbell rings]
[sighs]
Are you gonna get it?
Yeah. [sighs]
Yeah.
-Do me a favor.
-Hmm?
Get some, like, plates
and, like, utensils and stuff.
-Mm-hmm.
-[doorbell rings]
Wait, but why do we need
utensils for...
pizza?
There was this whole weird
negotiation thing
that took place, it was--
I-- I wanted to tip
using the app, right?
And um, he was like,
do you have cash?
It was super weird.
Well, I bet he gets to keep
more of it, you know,
if you give him cash.
Thanks.
Mm-hmm.
Do you wanna watch something
while we eat?
No.
Okay.
Ah.
You know, we need to talk
about it, or just--
-No.
-Yeah.
No.
Let's just go back
to the thing, okay?
[Wyatt] Okay.
[Merryn] If you're gonna become
a close friend
with your partner,
share what would be important
for him or her to know.
Yeah, that's assuming we aren't
already close friends.
Assuming that, yes.
Um, for me, it would be
important to know
that dates are important to me,
like birthdays
and anniversaries,
stuff like that.
Yeah, that's... reasonable.
For me, um...
I hate being a f*cking
babysitter.
You know, if we're gonna
go out and have a good time,
you gotta be able to take
care of yourself.
And I do not want to be out
until four in the f*cking
morning.
Oh, we are too old
for that sh*t.
-Way too old.
-And,
I don't want to go
to a club.
Ah, gross.
Let's just go to a nice,
quiet wine bar.
-Or Irish pub.
-And have, like,
a real conversation.
Except that I do not want
to join your book club.
-[Wyatt] Hey. [laughs]
-I don't need a reason to read.
It's actually just
a veiled excuse
to get drunk and eat carbs.
And furthermore,
I do not need you to tell me
what I think about any one
particular piece of literature.
Other people are the worst.
Yeah, f*ck everyone
who isn't us.
[scoffing]
[laughs]
Oh, that was the last question.
Wow.
Let me see.
[indistinct]
Congratulations. You've
answered all the questions.
Now for the hard part.
In order to solidify your love,
you have to look into
your partner's eyes
for four minutes in silence.
It's hard and you'll squirm.
But you'll learn
an incredible amount.
Good luck.
Are you ready?
Yeah.
All right. Set the timer?
Oh, yeah, okay.
Okay, um, four minutes.
[sighing]
I saw the ring.
What?
In the drawer.
I was looking for utensils,
which is just,
like, it doesn't matter.
But I just, I saw it.
-And you have had it cleaned.
-Yes.
Yeah, and I just--
I just need to know what,
I mean--
Is it for me again or...?
[scoffing]
Who the f*ck else
would it be for?
[exhaling]
Why do you want to be
married to me?
Because you're [indistinct].
I mean,
didn't I make that clear? I--
I think the real question is
why don't you want to be
married to me?
-Because of Jacob.
-Don't put this on him.
If I thought you wanted to be
over it, I would get it.
But you don't.
You appear to want to wallow in
it for the rest of your life.
Me, I'm just glad
I got to know him
for the five short years
he was here.
Merryn, what a magical soul
that boy was.
I will love him until
the day I die and beyond.
-But you know what else?
-Mm?
I want more from life than
to spend it in mourning.
So do I.
Don't you think
I want to get past it?
-No, I don't, Merryn.
-Well, I do, just not with you.
See, this is what happens
when I'm with you, Wyatt.
I love you so much.
You are so much a part of me
that I don't even know
where I end.
And you begin.
And you get me.
And we are well matched.
And you make me laugh.
I want to crawl
inside your skin.
I love you so much.
But you make me forget him.
Just for a moment, I forget.
And then he comes up
in conversation.
Or you look at me.
And I see his eyes
in your eyes.
And I remember.
And it all comes crashing back.
And that isn't even
the worst part.
The worst part is
the guilt that follows.
I laughed with Wyatt.
I made love with Wyatt.
Wyatt held me and I forgot.
And I cannot be happy in
a world without my son.
Doesn't that mean
he matters less?
Doesn't that make me just
the worst, most horrible--
Mm.
The world isn't supposed
to shine for me anymore.
You make it shine.
Why do you think he'd want
you to spend your life sad?
I wouldn't.
But if I don't give my life
over to him,
then no one else will.
And it'll be like
what you said before.
Like he doesn't exist.
Like he never existed at all.
So what's your plan?
So find someone else
and make another family?
No, I will never have
another child, but...
Yeah.
Maybe I'll find someone.
Someone kind.
Maybe not as handsome as you.
Maybe not as funny as you.
But someone who doesn't have
the same eyes as my son.
Someone who doesn't
have the same skin.
Someone who I can look
at without my heart dropping
into the pit of my stomach.
God, Wyatt, don't you get it?
I feel guilt like a vice grip.
I feel guilty when
I think about him.
How it should have been me
driving that day.
And how maybe if it was,
he would still be alive.
And I feel guilty when
I don't think about him
because then he vanishes.
And I feel guilty
when I'm with his father
because his father
makes me forget and--
You know,
for a while I thought
you would blame me, you know?
For switching carpool shifts.
Honestly,
I hoped you'd blame me.
I felt like I deserved it,
but you never did.
Of course not, Merryn.
I was too busy thinking
that we should have sent him
to that stupid f*cking
fancy kindergarten.
Or if we lived closer
to the school,
he could have taken the bus.
Or if--
-If I'd stayed home...
-[loud thud]
...to f*cking write
that day, like--
I could have driven it myself.
If it's your fault,
it's mine too.
But I think we can let that go.
I think we have to let that go.
You deserve
more than this.
Believe that. So...
Come back to me.
Please.
[sniffles]
No.
No.
We said we'd decide
by the end of the night,
and now it's the end
of the night.
And I've decided.
It's not the end.
Yeah, we answered
all the questions.
It's done.
-It's not done.
-What?
It's not done.
And you don't get to make
a unilateral decision.
-Well, I have.
-Well, you don't get to
because we said
we would do everything.
We haven't done everything yet.
-What?
-Four minutes at the time.
[sighing] Wyatt!
Four minutes.
Promise me you'll
really try this time.
Just for this four minutes,
you have to try.
-I have been trying!
-Please just--
Just for this four minutes.
Be here with me.
Don't look away.
Don't give up.
[indistinct]
Come on.
[chuckling]
[emotional music]
["Waiting on the starts"
by Robin Wynn]
Sometimes I thinking
just be on the curtains
Sometimes I'm think
you're playing tricks on me
Cause every time I hear
a sad song on the radio
I think I can hear you
singing sweet
I wish you wouldn't show up
in my dreaming
I wish you well,
I wish you did miss me
Cause I can't imagine
walking through
My days like this
Never casting eyes
on you again
So come to me
Don't you run from me
I can't wait upon the stars
no more
Could you please
release me?
Could you please
release me?
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To Fall in Love (2023)
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