08x15 - The Prize Fighter

[bunniefuu]

Narrator: Coming up, why is Joe
giving service with a surcharge?

They dig bang you for the
excessive messiness charge.

Why is murr going prehistoric?

And which losing joker
will be a corrupt carney

in tonight's punishment?

Sal:
Prepare for something amazing.

Q: Hey, mustache, what's up?

Murr: Like a boss!

Sal:
I will never forgive you!

Joe: Larry!

Sal: You got gouged!

Today we're working at one
of my favorite restaurants,

Ben's kosher deli, dropping
off checks to customers.

However, the check
will have an additional

and unusual charge on it.

The catch is the unusual charge

has been written
by the other guys.

If the guest refuses to pay
that charge, you lose.

♪

Joe: All right.
So, your gentleman is done.

You just got to drop
the old check off.

Q, you got to show him the
charge that we made up for you.

You got to drop
the old Anton Chekhov.

- Nice. Nice.
- Nice one.

And this is you.

You ordered the coke,
the Israeli hero?

- Yeah, absolutely.
- Okay, great.

So, it's $35 for that

and then a $5
cellphone usage fee.

- Wait. Really?
- So that's gonna...

Yeah, yeah.

$5 cellphone...
We highlight that for you.

And then not...
No gratuity add-ons.

I like that he stamps
that part out.

I've been eating here
for years.
Oh, it's pretty new.

We just notice that everybody's
using cellphones all the time,

and we're like, "nope."

- Really?
- Clogs up the whole network.

'Cause all the customers
are using their cellphone.

- Okay.
- Have a good day.

Gratuity not on it.
Thank you.

That is... 5 bucks for...?

That's ridiculous.

Sal: The old guy to the right
is having none of it.

He's like, "I wouldn't pay that.
I wouldn't..."

- Oh, come on, man!
- Oh, you're done, you're done.

- Are you kidding me?!
- You're done, q. You're done.

I've been eating here for years,

and I even ordered
corporate orders.

This is a little ridiculous.

Oh, yeah.
The cellphone usage?

It's $5 that's added on.

Like, it's kind of a standard
thing we've been doing.

- You've been doing for how long?
- Do you not want to pay it?

I... I didn't even...

Just charge him, Cole!
Just charge him!

- Unwilling to be charged.
- Unwilling to be charged?

Okay. Yeah.
We'll take it off.

Ohh! Ohh!

Joe:
All right. You lost.

All right, sal,
you've got your Bill.

Time to deliver it. Make sure
you point out that extra charge

we put on there for you, pal.

Have a good one, guys.
All right.

Great to see you as always.

- He's trying to blend.
- Hey, guys.

- Thank you.
- There you go.

Two cherry sodas, a double dip,
and an open brisket?

- That sounds correct.
- Good.

And then just a $4 price gouge.

A what?

Yeah, it's just an upcharge.

We just gouge you on the price
there for 4 bucks.

It's highlighted, though,
so it's transparent.

You just go pay right up front
when you're ready.

Why don't they
just raise the prices?

Well, we don't...
We want to keep prices low

so we just gouge you with...

Okay. That doesn't
sound funny to you?

It is highlighted, though,
so it's transparent.

We don't want you to think we'll
gouge you without you knowing.

- But... right.
- Yeah.

Okay. Wonderful, guys.
Thank you for having...

Woman: Okay. Thank you.
Thank you.

Let's see, sal.

This is the first time I've
ever seen this in my life.

And he didn't think
that was odd?

It's a gouge. It's what it...
It's a standard-issue gouge.

Murr: And if they object,
then sal loses.

- Hello.
- Hello!

- I can take you right here.
- Can I ask you a question?

I'm still not understanding
the gouge.

Murr:
"It's to gouge you."

It's the gouge to you.

"It's to gouge you."

Gow-chu.

It's weird.

It's just the extra.
It's gouge.

Pay it, pay it!

You know what?
I'll take the gouge off.

No, no, no, no.
No, no, no, no.

- I'll take it off.
- No.

Man, they're insisting
to pay a price gouge!

No, 'cause we want to
come back many times.

"I have the power
to remove the gouge.

I look kind of like
Matt Damon."

I, as Matt Damon, decipher

who gets the gouge
and who does not.

And you do look like Matt Damon.

I do. I know. Yeah.

Hey!

Don't take the $4 off.

- Yes!
- Wow!

He got it!
He got it!

You got gouged!

Q: You got gouged!

Joe: All right, murr.

Hello, sir.
You ready for the Bill?

- Mm-hmm.
- Okay. Here you go.

How was the food? Good?

- Better than that.
- Better than that?

- I love it.
- Well, he's in a good mood.

He likes his food.

Here's the Bill.

You had the baked beans,
the hot dog, yes.

And you had a miscellaneous...

We have an $8...
It's a time penalty.

We add a time penalty, depending
how long you're staying here.

Now, if you see,
you began your...

- Bullshit.
- He just said it's bullshit.

You began the meal
at 13:40,

so you've got
the $8 time penalty,

so the total is $29.16,
and that's...

You can just pay
for that right up there.

What's that? I'm sorry.
Well, it's...

He can't even get away
from the table.

You know what it is?
It's not really something

you choose to pay
or not to pay for.

"We want you to enjoy your lunch
but also move it along."

We want you to enjoy the lunch,

but you also have to kind of
keep it moving along.

That's the thing.
Yeah.

So... and you can pay
right up there.

- No problem.
- $29.16.

We'll see you next time,
but not quite as long.

- Right.
- "Not as long."

Nice, murr. Very good.

Murr: Here he goes, here he
goes. Come on, come on, come on.

Pay. Pay the Bill.

Why do you think for
a second he's gonna pay?

He said he's not doing it.

- He might.
- Here we go.

I can take you right here.

The cherry soda, a dinner,
and then a time penalty?

You got it.

- Son of a... g*n!
- Thank you.

I've been bargain-basement
Matt Damon.

Have a good day.

Sal: Joey's in.

Hi, guys.
Did you ask for the Bill?

- Yes.
- Yes, okay. Great.

So, I'll just review, make sure
I just got the right table.

Burger supreme,

chicks avocado with the
dressing on the side.

Two water. There's no charge
for the water.

- Yeah, perfect. Yeah.
- But they did bang you

for the excessive
messiness charge.

"Banged you."
"Banged you"?

Oh, excessive messiness is just

when there's a big mess...
When there's a mess.

You know, it takes
a couple busboys.

You have three or four visits.

When we go above three,
that's when we hit you with it.

- Yeah.
- They bang you with it for $5.

Okay, right.
But the food is really good.

Oh, you liked it?
You enjoyed it?

- Excellent.
- Yeah, okay, so.

She's actually happy.

"Everything was great.
Thank you so much."

- Enjoy.
- Okay.

It just was a mess.

Woman: Ooh.

Q:
This little girl's great.

Joe: She's gonna pay it.
She's gonna pay it.

She's taking that Fanny pack.
She's gonna pay it.

Joe: They did bang you for
the excessive messiness charge.

It just was a mess.

Woman: Ooh.

She's gonna pay it.
She's gonna pay it.

She's taking that Fanny pack.
She's gonna pay it.

Thank you. How was
everything today?
Lovely.

So, you had the burger,
the chicken avocado, two waters,

and the excessive
messiness charge.

Never heard of it?

All right.
So, $41.90? Cool.

- She's paying!
- She's paying!

- Wow.
- All right. You know what?

Don't worry about that charge.
We'll take it off.

- It's all right?
- She's insisting to pay for it.

We should pick up
her whole lunch.

- Pay the whole Bill.
- We'll pay her whole lunch.

Say, "lunch is on Charlie."
Say, "lunch is on Charlie."

No way. No way.

You're all set.
Lunch is on us.

- The whole thing?
- On Charlie.

He's big daddy, at northsouth.

You know what?
Here's $10.

Can we take some money
out of the drawer?

Charlie gonna reimburse it.

Charlie's gonna give you $10.

- As well?
- Yeah, yeah. Here you go.

It's all you.
Tell Charlie "thank you."

Woman:
Okay. Thank you.

She took the cash.
She took the cash.

Joe: Called Charlie.
He said you're fired.

Murr: Joey wins it.

Narrator: Q and murr
couldn't con their customers,

so they're first up
on the loser board.

Today we're pairing up at the
downtown conference center

teaching a team-building
workshop.

Check it. We don't know
what we're walking into,

because the whole thing has been
prepared by the other team.

At the end of the workshop,
we'll ask the attendees
by show of hands

who feels they've learned
something here today.

Whichever team gets the fewest
amount of hands raised loses.

- That'll be them.
- Yes, because we're gonna win.

- We're gonna win.
- And you stink.

That's not good team building.

♪

- Hey, everybody.
- How are you today? Good?

So, I'm sal.
This is James.

Joe: These are the people
who work for urban ft.

This is a real company,
and they're here to learn

how to be a better team.

So, here's how we like to
start our workshops, okay?

"Let's make a soul train."

Yes. Okay. So, the first
thing we want to do is

I want to get, like,
a "soul train" dance line.

We just want to loosen you guys
up, so let's have you stand.

- Here we go.
- Really express yourselves.

So, you know,
we're gonna make a line.

We're gonna kind of dance,
get into it, clap.

And then one person leads.

Murr, demonstrate.

- All right. Okay.
- And then you come down.

♪

- I love it.
- Uh, now it's your turn. Go.

Joe: Cut him off, sal.
Go, "my turn, my turn!"

Sal: Oh, wait, wait, wait. My
turn, my turn, my turn, my turn.

- Hey!
- Dab your way through it.

- There you go. There you go.
- Great.

All right. Okay.

Okay. There you go.

- Hey!
- Yes.

- Hey!
- This is great.

I think we messed up.
This is fun. I kind of
wish I was out there.

- Hey!
- Skip one person.

Okay. And, yeah.
Just go right over here.

Okay. Now your turn.

Murr: All right.

Okay. Great. Everybody went?
Have a seat.

All right. First of all, say,
"no one stuck up for her."

Alexa didn't get to go,
but no one said anything.

"Now we're gonna make
Alexa dance by herself."

So, now, Alexa,
please stand here.

Murr: Now she gets to dance
for herself.

- Hey!
- There you go. There you go.

- Hey!
- Great. There you go.

Always look out for your
partners, for your co-workers.

Everything works better when you
have a good group mind, okay?

- Mm-hmm.
- Give everybody a card.

Joe: Now let's get
charades going.

Murr: I want you guys to
write down on the cards

a famous movie title,
maybe a famous person.

Now, this is all about
non-verbal communication.

He is not going to see these,

but you guys know
what they are, right?

We'll show you.

- Q: Obama.
- Joe: It's Obama.

Murr: Okay.

♪

- President Barack Obama?
- That's it.

Joe and q: "Titanic."

Joe: Murray, do nothing that
has to do with "Titanic."

♪

- "Titanic"?
- That's it!

"Titanic." "Titanic."

Joe: He's getting
blown away!

- Q: "Jurassic park."
- Joe: "Jurassic park."

Do dinosaurs, murr.
And, sal, don't get it.

Murr: Okay.
This is an easy one.

♪

Ruth bader ginsburg?

No, no.

Uh...

♪

- Asthma.
- No.

It's "Jurassic park," the movie.

♪

- Okay.
- Joe: Italy, sal, Italy.

♪

- Italy.
- Yeah.

Do we need another
trust exercise?
Yeah.

So, sal, in the corner,
there's a tennis-ball machine.

What's the plan here?

'C-Cause, you know, we...

So, James is gonna
put on a blindfold.

James is gonna put
on a blindfold. I'm
gonna man this machine.

Oh, wow. Okay.

Okay, and all the while I do it,

Murray will be going like this
with the hula hoop,

and he's gonna have to trust me
that he doesn't get lit up.

- Murr: Okay. I trust you.
- Well, you shouldn't, murr.

Q: Here we go, here we go,
here we go, here we go.

- Just trust me.
- I trust you.

What...

What the hell?!

Stop hitting me!
Stop hitting me!

- Just turn around.
- Will you stop?

Bud, just turn around
so we can finish it, please.

I can't... I don't
want to turn around.

- Turn around.
- Ooh!

- Just turn around for a second.
- Stop hitting me!

Sal: Just turn around
for one second.

Trust.

By show of hands,
how many of you

felt you learned something
of value today?

- Something?
- Yeah.

- Yeah.
- Two?

- Three.
- All right. We'll take it.

Joe: That's impressive.

Uh, okay.
Welcome, everybody.

- Hello.
- Nice to see you guys.

Murr: So, these are employees
of pace university.

Management knows we're here.
The employees don't.

Joe: So, we're gonna do a bunch
of exercises together and stuff,

but before we do that,
we're gonna do an exercise.

Murr: All right. Guys, each of
you draw a person in the room,

and they have to guess
who you drew.

We're going to get
this poster board here.

- Let's do that first, right?
- Okay.

Sal: Okay. Make these drawings
unflattering, guys,

but then frame it all
as positive.

What we're gonna do is we're
gonna draw someone in the room.

The way that you see people
is very important.

What's also very important
is the way

that people know
the way you see them.

All right. Ready, guys?
Why don't you reveal them?

- -Okay.
- What?

Sal: Look at the size
of the ears!

Someone in here
is a good listener.

Who's a good listener?

I don't have that kind of hair.

- Bingo.
- Not you.

Context clues.
That's very important.

- It's me.
- It's me?

- No, it's him.
- Nice.

It's Lance.

Murr: All right, q.
What do you got?

All right. Mine.
Uh...

Sal: Lance? That face
is unmistakably Lance.

Any guesses?

Murr: Well, what's with
the giant breasts?

- With the glasses. Lance.
- With glasses. It's Lance.

- The facial hair.
- It is Lance.

He's a great listener, and
I thought he's very nurturing.

Yeah, I like how they both
reflect different sides of me.

- Exactly right. See?
- Lance is getting it.

Lance is getting it.
That's the lesson, right?

Different personality traits
will pop about different people.

You might like all of them,
you might like none of them,

but you're gonna like
some of them.

- -Yeah.
- What?

- That made no sense.
- Bullshit.

Sal: You know what, Joey?

You have to excuse yourself
to make a phone call.

Pardon me. Okay. That was
a text that came in.

I told you I was expecting it.

Do you just want to
cover for a second?

- Yeah. No problem, yeah.
- Great. I'll be right back.

Joe, go outside
to the other room,

go out the window on the ledge,

and just take the phone call
outside that window.

- Videos.
- Videos.

Videos, which is what...

Murr: Keep going.
Keep going, Joe.

Have you always wanted
to be a writer?

Man: Uh...

- Really?
- Lifelong, yeah.

How old are you?

Joe.

Joe.

- Hey, bud, how's everything?
- Yeah, sorry. That's my bad.

I didn't realize... I can't see
from the terrace. I didn't know.

Oh, it's not a terrace?

Oh, that's what explains
there's no door.

- Yeah.
- So, what did we learn?

Hey, guys, you know
what's a great exercise?

The game of animals.

Do you guys know
the game "animals"?

Murr: You got to say an animal,
make the sound,

take a step closer.

The trick is to be in sync
with the animals and noises.

- Yes.
- So, you want to start?

Cow.

Cow.

All: Moo.

- Step closer.
- Okay.

- Snake.
- Snake.

- Cat.
- Cat.

Both: Meow!

We are playing this game
with a room of adults? Really?

- Whale.
- Whale.

Murr: Closer.

Okay.

- Owl.
- Owl.

Get them to do it.
Get them to do it.

Okay. Okay. Who's up?

Oh, god, no.

By show of hands, do us a favor.
If you think you've learned

something of value today,
raise your hand.

- Five.
- Five.

Sal:
Well, we got demolished.

Narrator: Murr and sal need to
work on their team building,

making murr tonight's big loser.

All right!
Murr is our loser.

So, we took you to
coney island at Luna park

to work at one
of those game booths.

Yeah. You know, you know how
those carnival games are, like,

rigged and
impossible to win?
Yeah.

Well, we've rigged one
in the opposite direction

where everybody
will definitely win.

The problem is,
you're not allowed,

under any circumstances
whatsoever,

to give people the prize
they rightfully won.

Step right up, step right up

to watch a grown man
get his a*s kicked.

Yeah. Let's hope.
Let's hope.

Joe: All right.
So, this is pretty simple.

Just don't give anybody prizes.

Doesn't matter who wins,
who doesn't win. Nobody wins.

Murr: Winner every single game.
Come on, sir, give it a shot.

"One in wins."

Great. Thank you.
One in wins, one in wins.

See. Oh, that's...
That's one.

Those two.

Two! Two.
Very good, very good.

Scream, "winner."
Scream, "winner."

Winner, winner!

Uh, okay, so...

This is...

I don't know what to do now.

- That's one.
- No prize.

- No prize.
- Two!

Two.
Very good, very good.

Scream, "winner."
Scream, "winner."

Winner, winner!

Okay, so...

This is...

I don't know what to do now.

What are you talking about?
Don't give them a prize.

♪

Sal: I don't even know
what to do right now.

It's hot, right?
It's hot today.

"One in wins."

Just one in wins.
Just one in wins.

Just one in wins.

She got two in.
That's right.

- One in wins.
- One in wins.

She got two in.
She did. She got two in.

If you get the one in, you win.

Murr, you may notice we put
some rules to your right there.

Murr: Jesus Christ.
You know what it is?

It's the... you have to be
dressed appropriately.

There's no swearing.

You're fine with the swearing.
I didn't hear any swearing.

- And she dressed fine.
- Finger tipping, though.

The finger tipping
is the problem.

Finger tipping is
nothing, by the way.

Finger tipping is
something we've made up.

Three forms of
photo ID required.

"Do you happen to have
a utility Bill on you?"

Do you have...

Do you happen to have,
like, a utility Bill on you?

Proof of address,
a proof of, you know...

All right.

So, we're gonna send in chase,
who is playing the manager

of the booth, to make Murray
look more like an idiot.

Is there a problem here?

You know what it is? They played
first. She got a couple in.

Okay. So she won.

- Thank you.
- Yeah, you know, okay.

So, do you just want me
to give her a prize?

Yeah, I mean...

Chase is allowed
to give away prizes.

- Yes.
- To make Murray look bad.

- We're good? We should just...
- Okay.

Sorry about that, guys.

Oh, my god.

Off the backboard into
the thing. That's it.

One in wins.
Here we go.

Sal: This person looks
not to be messed with.

- Yeah.
- He seems, like, formidable.

Yes.

Murr: A-ha! One in!
There we go. Very good.

Q: Murr, try and tell them
they have to claim

the prize from another booth.

You see the water game
over there?

Yes.
Go over there.
You can pick those, too.

Go look there, too. You can
choose any of those prizes.

That's my boy right there.
The girl. Her name's Nancy.

"That's my boy right there.
The girl, Nancy."

Do you want any
of those guys, too?

Go ask her.
Go talk to her.

"Go ask for
Nancy chiggins."

Go ask Nancy chiggins if she...

Nancy c!
Yeah, ha!

Joe:
Look at them all looking.

Hey, Nancy!

It's hot out, right?
It's hot.

It's a hot day.

See, what had happened...

"I got to harken back
to the finger tipping here."

You know what? I have to harken
back to the finger tipping.

Huh?

The finger tipping
is the problem. Like...

What's that, bud?

The thing is that the... you
have to wait until I say, "go."

And with one of them, she just
went before I said, "go."

- What?
- And...

Q: Ohh!

Sal: My skin, my skin.

She finger-tipped the ball,
which means you...

What are you...
You told us we won already.

Can we just get our bears
so we can go?

Oh, here.
Here's the manager. One sec.

Let me guess.
Your finger-tipping rule?

She definitely finger-tipped.

- So you played?
- Yes.

- And you won?
- And I won.

Twice!
So, why doesn't
she have a prize?

- What?
- Why does she not have a prize?

Well, the... hold on.

I don't know what's wrong
with this man right here.

Congratulations.
You broke every rule.

Oh, no!

We broke every rule,
and we still get the prize!

- Whoo!
- Oh, my god.

Murr: This is so tense.

- Oh.
- Ooh!

Great job.

That's real skill right there.
Good job.

Joe:
Murr, now just give her a prize
right in front of those people.

Great job. There you go.
Get out of here. Go.

Back up.

- That's it! Winner!
- No prize, no prize.

- No prize.
- No prize.

Great job.
Great job.

Okay.
You guys want to play, too?

Great. Just $1.

"Don't hang around.
Don't hang around."

All right. Here we go.
Don't hang around.
You won, you can leave.

Sometimes you get a prize,
sometimes you don't win,

and you just head out.

There's all sorts of surprises.

Jesus Christ. I'm sweating
my ba*ls off here.

What's that?

You won, right?
Great job, great job.

But here's what i'm
trying to figure out.

- Yes.
- She got one and she...

Yeah, she got one in.
Immediately.

Joe: "Stop talking."
Look at her.

When she gave you the dollar,
she got one ball in,

she got a ball.

That's what she won.
Yes, that's right.

Great job.

Well, the one in is the win.

She got the one in,
you got the... yeah.

Joe:
Four minus three is one.

Four minus the three is the one.

Woman: Let's go.

Jokers: Ohh!

Oh, god, I can't even watch
much more of this.

Oh, you want to play? Okay.
Here. What's your name?

Sal: This guy's clearly
a retired cop.

This isn't gonna go well.

Okay. Nice and soft.
Don't throw too hard, okay?

One in wins anything.
Nice and soft, Brooke.

Hey! Great job.

Nice job. Very good, Brooke.
That's awesome.

I want a pink unicorn.

Between the two of them,
it's six forms of ID, then.

So, between the two of you,

we need the six forms
of ID total.

-I got... One.
Okay. Here's one.

- Two.
- Two.

- Three, I think...
- Three.

He has three forms of ID.
He has three forms!

I'm sorry. I didn't get your
name. I got Brooke and...

- David.
- David, David.

So, the two wins,
essentially what they do

is they essentially, like,
cancel each other out.

Murr: Yeah.

Dave looks like a finger-tipper
to me. I don't know.

It did look like you were
finger-tipping a little bit.

There's no swearing, I haven't
heard anyone swear yet.

- Not yet.
- Oh, my god.

Oh, my god!

- Like a...
- Chase, come on out.

Yeah. Uh, chase.

He won, and she won.
He has three forms of ID.

She doesn't, so the wins
cancel each other out, so...

Give her the prize.

Pink unicorn, then?

Thank you.

Dave went ahead and k*lled you
with kindness right there.

Joe: Oh, my god.
How terrible do you feel?

Murr: Oh, I feel like the
biggest d*ck in the world.