08x08 - Cake Loss

[bunniefuu]

Narrator: Coming up,
what's got q spilling his guts?

You make my bowels quake.

Why is murr
giving this guy the finger?

Put your hands up.

And which losing joker
will take the cake

in tonight's punishment?

Ohh.

Sal:
Prepare for something amazing.

Q: Hey, mustache, what's up?

Murr: Like a boss!

Sal:
I will never forgive you!

Joe: Larry!

Sal: You're not getting
enough calcium, hon.

♪

No disrespect, but today
we're at hill country food park

having some awkward
conversations with strangers.

We'll have to walk up to someone
and start a sentence with,

"no disrespect, but..."

And then the disrespectful
thing we have to say

is gonna be fed to us
by the other guys.

After their respect
has been dissed,

we're gonna have to ask,
"we good?"

The goal is to get them
to say, "we good."

The guy with the most
"we goods" wins.

- That's right. We good?
- We good.

- We're all good? Good.
- We're good.

♪

Look familiar, gentlemen?

Joe: Never forget, murr.
Never forget.

Look out.
Here comes my brother-in-law.

Sal: So, murr, it's,
"no disrespect,

but blah, blah, blah,
blah, blah. We good?"

Hey, bud.
No disrespect...

"If I were you,
I'd lose the hairpiece."

If I were you, i'd...

If I were you,
I'd lose the hairpiece.

You look better bald.
We good, right? We good?

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Yeah. We're good. We're good.

Yeah, murr!
"We're good."

♪

- Excuse me. I don't mean to...
- What?

No disrespect at all, but...

"You look like you were
popular in college."

you look like you
were popular in college.

I'll say that to a man.

- Yeah.
- We good?

We're not good.
I know.

Joe:
See the guy with the hat?

Looks like q from
about 10 years from now.

I'll take it.

No disrespect, no disrespect...

Sal:
"I want to m*rder you."

i want to m*rder you.

- For?
- You know. We good?

- We're good.
- We're good. Yeah.

- All right.
- Stay safe.

Q: Whoa!

Joe: Two, buddy.

Bud. Hey, man.
No disrespect...

"But you lack zest."

but you lack zest.

No disrespect.
We good, though.

No.

Joe: Now look at him, look at
him. Look at him registering.

He's like, "who is this guy?
He's not zestful."

Excuse me.
I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry, so sorry.
I didn't mean to interrupt you.

- Oh, no worries.
- I didn't realize you were on...

- No disrespect...
- Oh, okay.

He's so nice.
He's already so nice.

"But Google
'vegetables.'"

but goo...

-yeah.

That's what I said.
No disrespect.

- No worries.
- We good?

- Yeah.
- Okay, yeah.

- That doesn't count.
- The whole...

Joe: You just said
the two lines of the bit...

"no disrespect.
We're good."

You forgot the main ingredient,
which was the insult.

I wasn't gonna say that to him.

Excuse me, excuse me.
No disrespect...

"Uh, when does your
unemployment run out?"

but Wh... Wh...

Um, no, I was gonna say...

I have nothing to say at all.

Oh.

But I'll do it with
somebody else, then.

- No disrespect. We're good?
- Yeah.

I'm confused.

- You know, god bless.
- Yes.

You're both walking
the same way now.

He can't even get out
of this nightmare!

- He can't even get out.
- Look at him!

Oh, my god!

Joe, see that guy ahead of you?

My man, no disrespect...

Pbht!

Pbht!

- We good?
- Yeah.

Yeah, we're good.

You just blew, like,
spittle all over his lunch.

"But we're good."

Hmm.

- No disrespect...
- "You got those long-a*s legs."

but you got those long-a*s legs.

Yeah. We good?

Yeah, we're okay.
That's good enough. Good enough.

- Oh, you got the fist pound.
- You want to try him again?

I got one more.

Again, no disrespect...

"You're not getting
enough calcium, hon."

♪

You're not...
I mean...

You're not getting
enough calcium, hon.

You got to... okay.
We're good, though?

Yeah, we're good.
We're good.

Q: Those long-a*s legs
need calcium.

♪

Excuse me.
Uh, no disrespect...

"But you make
my bowels quake."

but you make...
Hey, how you doing, bud?

What's going on?
Oh, is somebody sitting here?

- That's me.
- Oh, okay.

I was gonna see if I could
borrow the chair.

- Oh.
- Got it, got it.

- Well, thanks anyway, guys.
- No worries.

Cool.
You make my bowels quake.

- We good?
- Sure. Why?

Sweet. Just scared me
a little bit.

- Yeah.
- Well done, q.

Nice follow-up.
Nice follow-up.

What do they got here, huh?

Hey, man, no disrespect, but...

"Your buttocks lacks
je ne sais quoi."

- but, uh...
- Yeah, you're damn right.

No disrespect, but...

Murr: "Your buttocks lacks
je ne sais quoi."

- but, uh...
- Yeah, you're damn right.

Your buttocks,
they lack je ne sais quoi.

We good? We good.

- We're good.
- Yeah, we good!

He loves it.
He loved it.

- Too easy.
- Can't believe you did it.

Excuse me.
I'm sorry to interrupt.

- No disrespect, but, um...
- "You need to scrub it harder."

i, uh...

Can I clean that for you?
Can I get the tray for you?

Do you mind if I get
that out of there?

No disrespect. Let me just
get the tray for you?

Thank you so much.
Lovely. Very clean.

Narrator:
Q, murr, and sal lacked zest,

so they're first up
on the loser board.

Today we're working as tailors
at beyond bespoke tailor shop.

While
working, we're gonna have to do

and say whatever
the other guys tell us to.

You know, if you refuse to do
or say anything, you lose.

-Ah!

Let's hope today goes seamless.

I like it.

♪

- I'm Joshua.
- Joshua, nice to meet you.

Sal. Have you been
to a tailor before?

I've never been to a tailor,
so this is my first time.

- Okay, yeah.
- Yeah.

You know what?
Follow him in.

- Get in there with him.
- What's that?

Well, there's hooks. You can
put everything in there.

- Close the door. Close the door.
- Oh, my god.

Close the door.

- Close the door.
- Pull it!

- You're a 42 regular, though?
- Mm-hmm.

Murr: This is not
a big dressing room.

Does he think that that's a
tiny room for the both of them?

Like, what is going on?

He just said he's never
been to a tailor.

Sal: So, yeah, yeah.
Unzip that.

Murr: Is he changing
in front of you?

- - -Sal: Yeah.
- Oh, my god. All right, sal.

Wait. He's changing
in front of you?!

Sal: There it is.

Joe: Okay, sal,
we're gonna start the clock.

How many double-entendre jokes
can you make starting now?

Sal: Yeah, look. Take that out.
That's impressive.

- There's one.
- Yeah, just whip that right out.

Joe:
There's another one.

Sal: Oh, there you go.
Now look at that.

That's actually pretty big!

I mean, you could stand
to lose 2 inches.

Murr: Oh, my god!

Sal: This hangs really low.
Look how long that is.

And look how long
it hangs in the crotch.

It's real long. Turn around
here. Look at the girth.

- Yeah.
- "It's hanging"!

Sal: It's just swinging
like a...

- Yeah, yeah.
- Yeah.

You see this wrinkly, like, kind
of sack of stuff right here?

This will be the tip,
right here.

This is gonna be a nice tip.

And then we'll work
backwards from the tip.

It's not the most visual TV,
but it is funny.

Murr: Oh, my god.

You got it. Yeah, come out
in the pants and the jacket.

Q: All right.
Here's sal's next customer.

Joe: Let's grab the tape measure
out of the box there.

The two-inch tape measure
that we made for you.

Murr: Yeah, we got a special
tape measure right there, buddy.

You got to be precise, you know?

Measure his whole back with it.

Look at the size
of the measuring tape.

Sal:
4, 6, 8, 10, 12...

Murr: Oh, no.
You lost count.

18...

Let me just start over here.

2, 4, 6, 8, 10,
12, 14, 16...

This is called
a micro-measurement.
Okay.

At the end, it's almost
a 97% accuracy.

"But by telling you all this,
I've lost count,

and I need
to start again."

That being said,
I lost count when I started

to tell you about it,
so I'm just gonna start again.

- It's okay.
- He is very patient.

Let me just Mark a couple
of spots on the shirt.

Murr: Mark the spots, bud,
and as you Mark each spot

of his body,
make little kissing sounds.

Okay. I'm gonna do
a half-inch.

A quarter. I'm gonna do
a quarter-inch off of here.

-Okay.

- Oh, my god! That's weird!
- That's so weird.

- Sal: Two off the bottom.

Murr: Oh, my god!

- And the front buttons.
- Front button.

Murr: Yeah, right?
Almost to the face.

♪

All right. We're almost
done here, buddy.

Just take a selfie with
his crotch, call it a day.

Um... let me just...

If you ever wanted the option,

but you still want
the ability to tuck,

I could come up
about two inches.

Joe: Yeah, we get it.

Take the phone out
and get a crotch selfie.

Sal: Take a look at it, see
how you feel about that one.

Murr: Oh, that's not his crotch.
That is not his crotch.

There it is.
He's got the old point.

- He pointed to his junk.
- For the 'gram. For the 'gram.

Joe: Murr's up.

Come in on the
Segway skates, murr.

Hello. I'm James the tailor.
How can I help you?

He brags about how he's so good
on these all the time.

Sal: Circle him
like a shark, buddy.

Sal: Do your entire turn
circling him.

Sal: Circle him
like a shark, buddy.

Do your entire turn
circling him.

The entire thing.
Don't even stop.

You're gonna stay this way.

Listen. A Murray in motion's
got to stay in motion.

Murr: I'm just taking
the whole thing in

to get a sense of the 360.

How's the waist?
Let me see.

Put your finger in his pants.

Murr: Yeah. Let me see.
Let me just see.

Watch your hands. Just put
your hands up in the air.

Put your hands up.
Put your hands up.

He's got to be so dizzy.
I'm getting nauseous.

Murr: So...

I am reaching a point...

Start measuring him now
as you go around.

Okay. Let me see. Okay.
So, we want to...

- Do not break circling.
- Okay.

- Let me just see...
- Let me help you.

No, no. I'm good.
I got it, I got it, I got it.

Just hold it right there
in the center. Yep.

- There you go. Let me see.
- Don't stop, don't stop.

Murr: Okay, okay. Uh-huh.
Okay. Yep, yep.

Watch your arm.
Watch your arm.

Okay, so, you're
a 118-inch waist.

- Is that...
- That's great.

All right, bud.
Mark up his pants.

Gonna take there.
Gonna Mark it there.

What I'm gonna do is I'm gonna
taper the bottom here.

Jesus Christ.

Joe: He's losing it.
He's losing it.

Q: Ferret down.

Hi. How you doing?
What's your name?

- Good. Chris.
- Chris. Nice you see you, pal.

Pants fitted? Perfect.
All right. Awesome.

This one's vacant right here.

Joey, let him catch you
working your hips in the mirror

when he comes out.

Just gyrate and let him
catch you gyrating.

Tell him you're doing
your kegel exercises.

If you get him to do them,
too, I'll take the loss.

- Ooh.
- Making it interesting.

Well, you know.
Woke up today.

It's a solid bet.

Joe, you're about to lose a bet.

All right.
That's...

Oh, hey, bud. Just...
I'm finishing up my kegels.

Oh, yeah?

Joe. "I'm just trying
to tighten the taint."

Murr: What?

Doctors told me I got to
tighten my taint up.

- There's no way.
- This guy's not gonna...

- Yeah, he's not gonna...
- Exercise his undercarriage?

Great. All right.
So, these the pants?

- Yes.
- These are nice. Good quality.

"If I were you,
I'd get buried in those."

I... yeah. If I was you,
I'd get buried in these.

Sal:
"Speaking of which..."

You know, also,
speaking of which...

"if you have any ill
or old family members..."

If you have any ill
or old family members...

"i do sick corpse work."

i do sick corpse work.

- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.

10% off for each family member.

If it's a gruesome death,
I give 15%.

Fifteen?

Joe, you have no idea
how buttons work.

You don't even know
what buttons are.

What's that there?
Can you turn?

Is this custom work?
This closes and opens?

Joe, Google it and go,
"oh, this is a boo-tahn?"

Hold on a second. Let me see
what the hell this is.

That's a boo-tahn.

Do you normally wear, like,
a sock that has fashion in it?

Because some guys, now with
the whole sock market...

Murr:
"The sock market."

You're running out
of kegel time, bud.

Murr:
Kegel time. Kt.

Yeah, you're running
out of kt, bud.

Actually let's move
a little closer here.
You can do this here.

Put it right there.
No way.

Okay, so, now,
you see how the foot...

Turn it a little sideways.
Good.

- Now let's get it going.
- Yeah, get it going.

God damn it.

Swap. Do it on this side.
Get those kegels.

Q: All right, all right,
all right. Showing off.

Murr: You made the bet,
you live with it.

Came back to bite you right
in the taint, that kegel.

How that taint?

Narrator:
Q altered his turn,

making him a perfect fit
for the loser board.

Today, we're at
dekalb market hall

asking strangers to settle some
kind of just ridiculous debate.

The catch is Joe and I
will be giving

q and murr the topics
of their debate.

We're gonna have to get
the stranger to agree with us,

no matter how ridiculous
our stance is.

If the stranger doesn't agree
with you, you lose.

Me and sal just
hang out in the back.

We just hang out.

Narrator:
It's murr and q

in a joker vs. Joker challenge.

- A little sudden-death debate.
- Sir.

My buddy and I
are having a debate.

Do you mind settling
the debate for us?

All right. Thank you so much.
I appreciate it.

Joe: "We're talking
about what's worse.

We're talking
about what's worse.

I think it's worse to
get kicked by a donkey

every Monday
till the day you die."

I think it's worse
to get kicked by a donkey

every Monday
until the day you die.

Now, that's bad, but I say...

Joe: "It's worse
that white people dab."

it's worse that
white people dab.

- You know, white people?
- Debate, boys!

What is dabbing?
Can you show us what that is?

- Yeah, it's this.
- Oh, yeah.

When white people do that,
I just think it's disgusting.

You know, that stupid thing
that kids do?

- You can't?
- You can't settle it?

He's like, "I am white
and own a donkey. I am torn."

- We keep debating?
- Well, if you had to pick one.

Follow him, follow him!
Follow him up the escalator!

Annoying, little white pieces
of garbage dabbing.

Keep dabbing, keep dabbing.

A donkey can weigh
up to 300, 400 pounds.

The world's gonna end.
You have to choose one.

- No.
- He's not into it.

And you're gone into the night!
We'll never know!

- It's a tie.
- Well, we're back at square one.

♪

I don't know, dude.
You're crazy.

Yo, bro. Do you mind if I ask
you a quick question?

No.
"If you could be
granted one wish..."

If you could be granted one
wish, which wish is better?

"I say that you
could eat rocks."

I say if you could eat rocks,

like, that would be
a great wish.

I wish I could eat rocks.
He says...

"I wish my urine
was invisible."

I wish my urine was invisible.

Think about it
for one second, okay?

You got to pee really bad.
You just slightly unzip.

Nobody can even tell.

I would have to agree with that.

He's already siding with q.

Invisible pee
is tough to beat.
I know.

If you could eat rocks
and they were delicious,

and you just eat rocks, right?

You're never hungry, okay?

If your pee's invisible,
that's horrifying

to everyone else in the world.

Well, nobody would know it.

That's the whole point
of having invisible pee.
See, he's not getting it.

The rocks are delicious, though?

- Ohh!
- Ohh!

You want two wishes 'cause your
p*nis wouldn't be invisible.

But if you're in shorts,
you could just like...

Rocks are a natural resource.

Think about poor countries that
could just eat rocks all day.

Sal: What did he say?

I know that he meant that
in a good way.

He meant that in a good way,
to solve hunger.

But he's Murray.

Wait. You're saying
let the poor people eat rocks?

Well, if they're delicious

and technically
you end hunger, yeah.

This guy's in.

Can I make one final plea
before you decide?

- Sure. Go ahead.
- Okay?

How many situations have
you been in in your life

where it would have been
helpful to eat a rock

as opposed to how many
situations in your life

would have been good
to be invisibly peeing?

Joe: Oh! Real life.

For greater humanity purposes,
I'm going with the rocks.

He's going with the rocks!

- Oh!
- Murray's got it!

I'm glad this is over
'cause I got to go pee,

and, unfortunately,
my wish didn't come true.

I was gonna choose piss,
but I honestly believe

there's more situations
I should eat a rock...

That you are hungry.
Than I could hide my piss.

Look at us.
We're always hungry.

You hold your pee
for a week at a time.

- This is nonsense.
- Murr takes it.

Sal: Wow!

Narrator: World hunger wins,
making q tonight's big loser.

♪

- Hey, q!
- Q has lost tonight's episode.

Sal: That's right, and today
we're at New York cake,

and there is a cake-decorating
contest being held here today.

Oh, my god.
I'm decorating some cakes?

- No, you're not.
- No?

You'll be posing as a judge

and slightly ruining
the contestants' cakes.

- That's right.
- A slight ruin.

A slight ruin.

Welcome to the New York
cake academy challenge.

Joe: This is a serious
cake-decorating contest here.

They've been given one hour
to decorate these cakes.

Murr: These contestants are
competing for 500 bucks

and entry into the biggest cake
competition in New York City.

And they're being judged
by the man who knows cakes,

Brian "q" Quinn.

Sal: Notice the official "hello.
My name is judge" name tag.

Joe: All you got to do
is judge these cakes.

All right. Oh, here's booth 5.
Yes, yes.

You're gonna spend as much time
as you can with the no-show

'cause there's nobody
to mess with.

- Mm-hmm.
- Keep it moving, judge.

Start judgin'.

Ooh, hello. What do you
have here? This is lovely.

The theme of this contest
is "New York City,"

and she's crushed it.

Speaking of crushing it...

Murr:
Here we go, buddy.

- All righty. Great.
- Oh, my god.

Oh, my god. Oh, my god.
Oh, my god!

Murr: Q!

Joe: The theme of this contest
is "New York City,"

and she's crushed it.

Speaking of crushing it...

Murr:
Here we go, buddy.

Q: All righty. Great.

Oh, my god. Oh, my god.
Oh, my god. Oh, my god.

Oh. It smells lovely.
It smells lovely.

- Don't do it!
- Oh, my god.

Joe: Do it!
Don't do it!

Well, you have to stop
shouting at him

not to do the thing
we came here for.

I just got to do
one last... one last...

The old, uh...
Let me just give a little...

- Don't.
- Oh, no, q.

- Oh, my god. Oh, my god.
- Ohh.

-Mmm!

Great work. Mmm!

Sal: This is
so uncomfortable.

- Look at her face.
- All right, q, move on.

Okay, okay, okay, okay. And I
got to do this how many times?

There's so many cakes, buddy.
Keep going.

Hmn. Okay.

Oh, what do we have...
What do we have here?

Oh, I love that show.
I'm so Samantha.

I'm gonna need you to pull off
the "sex" and the "city."

Just those words, please.

Let me just, uh...
This is just the old...

- Ohh!
- "City" is gone!

Sal: Look at her face, look at
her face, look at her face!

Murr: Oh, no!

Q, I want the word "sex"
off that cake.

This is a family show.

So, we'll just go back in
and get that.

- Excellent job.
- Thank you.

- Very good work.
- Oh! You jerk!

Joe: Oh, this is
brutal.

Oh, I cannot take that.

Murr: All right, q,
move on.

Oh. Hi. I'm Brian.
I'm the judge.

- Hi, Brian.
- Wow!

Q, I need you to take
a bite out of the apple.

The only thing is, you know,
how does it taste?

If it was...

Murr: Oh, my god!

Joe: No. Don't.
Don't do it. Don't.

Yes!

- You like it?
- Amazing. I love it.

Joe: What do you plan on
doing with that mouthful
of fondant right now?

You got to spit that out.

Remember that time
you gave me sh*t?

- Just...
- Ew.

How you like them apples,
bargain basement Matt Damon?

Joe:
Keep it moving, judge.

Sal: Dude, can you put your
finger in, and you spin the cake

and just wipe out
the entire thing, 360?

Q:
This is fantastic work.

I'm just gonna do
a little test that I do.

Murr:
Oh, no! Q! Ohh...

Q: Delicious.

Top marks, top marks.
Move on.

Top marks. Mmm!

Murr: Ohh. God.

I'm so glad it's not me.

- I'm just gonna...
- Oh, no!

- I want to see how it is.
- Oh, my god.

Sal: Oh, my god.

- There is no saving that!
- Oh, my god.

- How is it?
- It's better. It tastes better.

- Great job. Top marks.
- Top marks.

Murr:
Oh, my god. Q.

Sal:
How is that judging?

He's like, "top marks,
top marks, top marks."

Q: This is insane.

Joe: Word is spreading
like wildfire

that you've ruined cakes,
by the way,

and that plays perfectly
for what we have in store.

All right, q, the thing is
you're not a judge.

You're a contestant.

- Table 5 is your cake.
- Yes!

Q: Mother.

Peel off that "hello.
My name is judge" sticker
that we gave you.

We're gonna bring out
the real judges now.

We're putting you at a station
right there, buddy,

and we have
a fully decorated cake.

And, to me,
that is the front-runner.

- Yeah.
- Good luck in the contest.

Oh, my god. Hi.

Thank you. Thank you.

- So, these are the real judges.
- Yes.

Joe: David ma is the real
food artist and director.

- We've added a couple friends.
- Right, right.

- He's our credibility anchor.
- What happened here?

No. We're the judges.

But he had a thing
that said "judge."

Joe: She just
ratted you right out.

Man: The apple's
been redone?

Oh, my god.
I just heard her say "apple."

Joe: Panic's setting in.
Look at you.

- "Someone just ruined my cake."
- Oh, boy.

Sal: Q looks like he's
going through a trauma.

Besides the touch-ups,
almost perfect.

- Murr: Oh, no.
- She's stunned.

Woman: Say no more.
It's literally perfect.

Seriously.

Q: Okay, yeah.
Don't do that, guys.

Joe:
She just put it together!

- Wow.
- Look. She stepped out to watch.

Stop clapping. Okay.
Please stop clapping.

- Oh, my god.
- It just keeps getting worse.

- Gorgeous.
- Thanks, guys.

All the contestants.

- Okay. Great.
- Group picture.

Tell everybody "good luck."

Best of luck.

- I ate your sex?
- "You ate my sex"!

What a bizarre statement!

Sal: She said that
so serious!

Good luck, good luck.
Best of luck.

- Oh, my god.
- Look at him.

- - Q: Oh, my god.
- I feel like.

I can't do anymore.
Why don't we just...

Do that?

I'm a garbage person.

I still really enjoy
the things that we do here.

-I do.

- Well, when you're back here.
- Your sex was delicious.

- Thank you.
- Good job, pal.