08x07 - The Eggman

[bunniefuu]

Narrator: Coming up, why is
this joker going incognito?

Will Tony gunk
get out of his funk?

I'm just a lifelong loser.

And which losing joker
will play humpty dumpty

in tonight's punishment?

Sal:
Prepare for something amazing.

Q: Hey, mustache, what's up?

Murr: Like a boss!

Sal:
I will never forgive you!

Joe: Larry!

Murr: Perhaps that wasn't
my best performance.

Today we're back playing
one of our favorite games,

"that ain't me."

We have to try
and leave the building

as many times as possible,

stopping to chat with the
receptionist each time we do.

Yeah, but the catch is we'll be
wearing a ridiculous disguise

each time we talk to them.

The goal is to trick
the receptionist

into thinking you're a different
person every single time.

The person who gets called out
first loses.

♪

Q: All right.
Normal Joe gatto.

Murr: The receptionist thinks
she's checking people out

after a focus group.

Um, so, what is your
first and last name?

Joey. J-o-e.
Gatts. G-a-t-t...

Joey gatts?!

- I appreciate it.
- That's for you.

- Thank you.
- Mm-hmm. Sure.

- All right.
- She glanced up at him once.

Q: Joe's first costume.

- -Bonjour.
- - "Bonjour."

- Did you like the seminar?
- It was very, very nice.

This is croissant.
Did you like it,
too, croissant?

- Yeah. Croissant.
- She has no clue.

He's showing his face outright.

- No.
- She has zero clue.

- Your first and last name?
- Uh, Pierre.

- Last name is demime.
- "De mime"?

D-e-m-i-m-e.

And, then, how would you
describe your experience today?

It's, you know, uh, magnificent.

- Magnifique.
- That's great.

And this for you.
Bye-bye.

Bye-bye. Croissant.

You look at him for one second,
he's not a French man at all.

Murr:
Next character.

- Ohh!
- He's Cole Von Cole!

- Hello there.
- Hello.

Um, your first and
last name, please?

- Cole Von Cole.
- C-o-l-e v-o-n.

- "O-l-e."
- c-o-l-e.

Q: His glasses are tucked
under the bald cap.

How would you describe
your experience?

It was atrocious.

The moderator did not have
a handle on the room.

- -Yeah.
- -Okay.

The moderator kept hushing me.
I'm not a man who gets hushed.

I was at brunch yesterday
with Paul rudd, for god's sakes.

- There you are.
- Is that all?

- That'll be it.
- Excellent.

- And now what?
- Yeah, the exit's that way.

- Which way?
- Right there.

The... no, no, no.
A little to your right.

- Yeah. There you go.
- This says "exit."

- Yeah.
- So does that.

- This is the exit, though.
- This is?

- The one you're...
- This is the exit?

- Yep.
- What is this?

Laurel and Hardy?

Uh, I think maybe
you took a wrong turn.

Oh, I must have... I must
have made a wrong turn, then.

Yeah, it'll just
be down the stairs.

No, no, no. The other exit,
but down the stairs.

I mean, does she not
find it suspicious

that a human's dressed
like a gingerbread person?

Woman:
So you should see stairs.

To your right.

- Push.
- At what point

do you get the littlest
bit suspicious?

There it is!
Thank you!

You didn't want to apply
some spirit gum

to that wig, that bald cap?

What wig?

♪

Sal:
That's the French wig.

- How are you?
- I'm good.

- Great.
- You got a little dog?

Oh, it's a little dog, yes.
This is spumoni.

- "Spumoni"?
- Spumoni.

Okay.
Uh, and your name?

Balsamic vin.

My name's vin. My friends
call me balsamic vin.

I think you were already here.

- Ohh!
- Ohh!

"Balsamic vin." Now, this dog.
Can I see your dog?

- Yes, yes, of course.
- So cute.

The little pink scarf.
Beautiful. Spumoni.

This is the same dog.
You came before.

- Ohh!
- Ahh!

It's okay. I mean, I was
through here four times.

She didn't recognize him.
It was the dog.

Q:
The curse of balsamic vin!

Joe: All right.
Here we go, murr.

Hello.
Checking out.

- Yep.
- Um, James Murray.

Okay, and do you have any notes
for the moderator?

Uh, oh, gosh. Maybe a bathroom
break would have been nice.

Very forgettable feedback.
Great work, Murray.

That's nice, murr.
Very good.

Hey, did my twin brother
come out yet?

- Ohh!
- Ohh!

Joe: Murray!

- I don't think so.
- Okay.

Sal: You're telling me
right now,

he's going to come out
again as himself?

- Chess move.
- That b*tch!

- That's impressive.
- That is...

He doesn't do a lot
that impresses me.

- Ohh.
- I know.

Count 'em...
Count 'em in eight seasons.

Ready? Come out
as your twin brother.

-Right.

Here's his twin.

- Hi. Checking out.
- Hello. Yes.

Uh, my name is Craig Murray.

All right.
I just met your brother.

Um, how would you describe
your experience?

It was great. I wish
there was a bathroom break,

- but that's just...
- The twin has the same problem.

Huh. Little bladders
run in the family.

Thank you so much.
Appreciate it.

- There you are.
- You have a great day.

Joe: Oh, Craig Murray
pulls it off.

- Ohh!
- Look who's having a spy check.

Murr:
Game's... game's too easy.

Famous last words. You see
how c*ck he was just now?

Joe: All right.
Here we go, murr.

- Oh, my god!
- Oh, my god!

- Hello.
- Hello.

- How are you?
- I'm well. How are you?

- I'm checking out, please.
- All right.

Oh, my god!

The name is, uh,
Roy George Goldstein.

All right.

And where are you
originally from?

Uh, where am I from?
I come and go.

I come and go.

And how was your
experience here today?

It was lovely, fascinating.
I thought it was, uh,

just a whole new wave
of focus group.

- All right. Have a great day.
- Have a good day.

Joe: She's just
going to let it go.

I feel like I'm going to find
Murray dressed like this

on a Friday night in Manhattan.

Joe: All right, Murray. You
got to get away with this one.

Q: Ohh.
What the hell?

- Hello.
- What is... what is he?

I'm gene Levy.

- Um.
- Eugene.

What a weird choice.
Eugene Levy from "splash."

Um, do you have any notes
for the moderator?

Uh, she was no Daryl Hannah.

- What is the matter with you?
- You have a great day.

Sal: No suspicion,
no smirk.

I think you got someone who's
got, like, "memento" disease.

Joe: Here we go.
Ready, murr?

- Oh, my god.
- Hello, Lassie.

- Hello.
- The name is Seamus o'Murray.

All:
"Seamus o'Murray."

He keeps his last name
as the first two guys.

- Where are you from?
- Mcdublin o' Ireland.

And you're Irish.

I am Scottish.
A little bit of both.

Mcdublin, Ireland?
And you're Scottish?

You look familiar.

- Ohh!
- She got him!

Perhaps that wasn't
my best performance.

- I have to sign out with you?
- Here he is.

I just need your first
and last name.

Tony, uh, g-u-n-k.

Tony gunk.

- Thank you. Thanks so much.
- Thank you.

Have a good day now.

- Here it comes.
- Here we go.

Hello!

How are you? I was told
to check out with you.

Got it. I just need
your first and last name.

First name, colonel!
Last name, Sanders!

Don't tell her the secret
of the 11 herbs and spices.

Don't you dare.

How was your
experience here today?

My experience was...
Finger-lickin' good!

Sal: I can't believe
he's doing this.

- Your group?
- Group c, for "crispy."

Good day to you, ma'am!

- Well done. Well done.
- She doesn't call him out.

Obviously she knows
something's up.

- Well, hello, colonel.
- Hello, there!

- I mean, you got the voice down.
- That was amazing.

I am colonel harland Sanders!

Joe: Here we go.
Q, outfit number two.

Are you ready to get
out of here, Marty?

How's it going?
They told us to sign out.

You got it.
First and last name.

Emmett brown.

Last time, he was Marty mcfly!

Your experience here today?

How was our experience today,
Marty?! How was it?!

- This is heavy, man.
- It was heavy, man.

Any notes for the moderator?

No, I thought
he was great... Scott!

Thank you.
Come on, Marty!

We have to think
four dimensionally!

- He's gonna run the board.
- If q runs the board, so what?

As long as I don't get
balsamic vin'ed again.

If we're gonna pull a b.V.

All right.
Outfit number three.

Murr:
He's a jedi master?

Q: Hello.

They sent me to you...
To check out.

Did they? What's your
first and last name?

Q gon-quin.

- G-o-o...
- Come on!

Your ethnic background?

- Corellian.
- Mm-hmm.

And where are you
originally from?

New Jersey.

Sometimes you just get somebody
who doesn't give a.

- Have a good day.
- Thank you. You too.

Sal: Q literally
out of the gate

as three
gray-bearded characters.

If he goes on as Gandalf
right now, forget it.

Here he goes again.

Hey, anybody see
a ghost around here?

- First and last name?
- Peter. Quinn.

Sal:
Say something!

And where are you
originally from?

Uh, New York City.

How would you describe
your experience?

- What's that?
- Your experience today?

Mass hysteria.

Dogs and cats living together.

And you weren't here
at all earlier?

- Ahhh!
- Yes!

I guess you can say
I just got busted.

Joe: Get out of there, slimer.

All right, boys.
Sal's up.

- First and last name?
- Sal. S-a-l.

Vulcano.
V-u-l-c-a-n-o.

- Okay.
- Originally from?

Uh, like the state or, uh...
New York? America?

I don't know what...
What do you mean?

- New York.
- Yeah.

- That was an odd choice.
- What a weirdo.

He's going to get
busted on this turn.

- That's it?
- That's it.

- Appreciate it, sir.
- All right.

- Thank you very much.
- Sure.

He's like... he's upset!
He's upset with himself!

I'm not losing again.
This is not happening again.

- That's it.
- What is wrong with you?

This is, uh... you know...

Because I have so many
good outfits.

That's the reason
I was telling them.

You know he has, like,
15 good outfits back there.

You're still waiting?
Come on. Get in there.

Put the spray tan on and the
hat backward and go in!

Sal's first costume.

♪

- What the...?
- Are you kidding me?

Murr:
Sal's first costume.

♪

Q: What the...?
What is... what is this?

Sal: Group c.
I might go by buckles.

You're what?
Michael?

- Buckles.
- Michael buckles?

And where are you
originally from, Michael?

- Los Angeles.
- Nice. Michael buckles.

Joe: The hair's
getting in his mouth!

The hat's falling off.
He's falling apart!

- There you go.
- Thank you so much. Thank you.

- He got through one.
- Ahh. Michael buckles.

Michael buckles is greater
than balsamic vin.

Wow!

Joe:
He's got... Heels.

Sal: I can't stop laughing.
I can't literally...

Joe:
Shh! Keep it together!

- This way, then?
- Oh, god.

Through this door?

Hello.

Joe:
You have a beard!

- First and last name?
- Moira. M-o-i-r-a.

- Rose.
- Beautiful name.

Thank you.

Where are you originally from?

- Florida.
- Say something.

- Have a wonderful day.
- Wow.

Joe: Wow. I can't believe
he got through it.

Sal: Ow.

- Oh, you're suspect, buddy.
- Sal.

Joe: Here he comes.
Outfit number three.

Murr: What kind
of costume is this?

Hey.
Uh, first and last name?

Post.

- "Post"?
- Malone.

Joe: So you're going to pretend
that you're post Malone?

- All right.
- Say something.

Aw, come on.

- Ethnic background?
- Jewish.

- Here you go, post.
- Thank you. Appreciate it.

- "Here you go, post."
- He knows.

♪

- Oh, my god.
- Come on.

- "The invisible man."
- "The invisible man."

Sal:
Dr. Jack Griffin.

When I was doing some research,

I stumbled upon a potion
that rendered me invisible.

Uh, in group e, I told them
about my experiences.

Okay. How was your
experience here today?

The moderator...
You can tell her to be

a little more transparent.

"Pound my very visible fist.
All right. Thank you."

Sal: It was all right.
It was...

- Thank you so much.
- Come on, man.

Sal:
That's a world record.

Balsamic vin makes a rise
from the ashes.

- Comeback.
- Wow.

Joe: Nobody put
their money on him.

- Keep talking about me.
- Sal, are you in here?

- Sal?
- Sal?

Narrator:
Joe lost this costume contest,

so he's first up
on the loser board.

Today is a bad, bad day for us.

We just missed out on winning
a store giveaway.

But now we're going to have to
guilt the winning customer

into giving us the gift card
they just won

without asking for it outright.

But the reason
for the guilt trip

will be given to us
by the other guys.

If you can't get that
gift card, you lose.

Narrator: It's q and sal in
a "joker vs. Joker" challenge.

Murr: All right, q.

Man: Hi, miss.
I'm the manager here.

I just wanted to let you know
that you're our 100th customer,

and you won our $10 gift card.

- Oh, thank you.
- You're welcome.

- What... what was that?
- For being the 100th customer.

- The 100th?
- Oh, you got to be kidding.

You were right...
You were there!

I was right here!

I... I could have told you
I wasn't going to win it

because I never have
a chance with anything.

I'm just a lifelong loser.

Joe: "Funny you should
mention that."

"Funny you
should mention..."

It's funny that
you mention that.

"This was on
my bucket list."

Winning a prize like that
was on my bucket list.

"Well, I've still got three
to eight months left to try."

I still have three to
eight months left

to try it before I...
Before I... before I...

Sal: Oh, man.

Oh, I'll just keep trying.
I'll get it eventually.

Murr: Oh, my god.

So, what are you going to do
with that ten bucks?

- Buy more caffeine.
- Just going to get more coffee?

- Yeah.
- Oh.

"Coffee's the name of my dog
that just ran away."

I love coffee so much,
I named my dog coffee.

He just ran away.

I mean, I guess he knew
that the end was coming anyway,

so he just... he just took off.

Joe: Ohh, man.

Do you... I mean,
you can have this gift card

if you really want it.

Really?!
Oh, my god. Really?

- Wow!
- Ohh!

That is literally
the nicest thing

that anybody
has ever done for me.

You really checkmated her
with your life.

Murr: She did it.

Joe: All right, boys.
Sal's up.

Go ahead. Go, go, go.
Please, please.

Joe:
Make it a $150 gift card.

-Ohh.

Hey, miss. I'm a manager here.
My name's Steve.

And, uh, you are
our 100th customer.

And we're giving this...
Uh, a gift card for $150.

- What?
- What?!

$150.

Hey, miss.
You're our 100th customer.

And we're giving this, uh...
A gift card for $150.

What?

All right, bud.
Get that gift card.

That's so nice of you.

Oh, oh, isn't your
phone vibrating, sal?

Take... take the call
real quick.

One second. I'm sorry.
So sorry. Hello?

- "Oh, hey, ma."
- Hey, mom.

- "What?"
- what?

Murr:
"The ticket's 148 bucks?"

Okay, calm down.

The ticket you just got is $148?

Wait. The gift card's
only for coffee.

This story doesn't track.

The guy would take
something else to barter?

I'm just spitballing.

Maybe I can give him 150
dollars' worth of coffee.

Call me back. Bye.

Wow.

My mom's car got impounded.
They want 150 bucks.

Just my luck.

- No way.
- Anything for the 101st?

-Sorry.

Joe:
All right, you lost.

That's not... that's not...
That's not going...

My turn's not going
to hinge on that.

Fine. Try it again.

I bet you can't even do it
with a $10 card.

Murr: It's not even a bet.
It's a guarantee.

There's no way
he's going to win this.

Is the line here? The line
does start over there?

The line does start over there.

Oh, I was standing here for
a minute. I didn't realize.

You go ahead.

- Thanks.
- Hey, sir?

I'm the manager here,
and you're our 100th customer,

so we're gonna give you a free,
uh, gift card for $10.

What? Oh...

I was gonna go... yeah, I would
love... thank you so much.

- Ohh!
- Oh, my god!

Thank you. You're the
nicest guy in the world.

Q: Are you kidding me?!

Narrator: The guilt trips
worked for both guys,

making Joe tonight's big loser.

Ha, ha! Joe has lost, so today,
Joey, we're at Jay suites

where down the hall,
there's a conference meeting

going on with some
important business people.

- Important people.
- You're going to go in there

during their meeting
to do some handiwork,

but in the interim, you're also
going to find a bunch of eggs

hidden about the room.

Your job, if you choose...
Well, you have to accept it...

Is just to eat all the eggs
during their meeting.

You hear the words that are
coming out of your mouth, right?

We might have... we might
have thought of this one

very late at night.

Nicole: Whether I made
the sale or whether I...

Murr: So, the employees
of the company tinybeans

are attending
a public-speaking workshop.

None of them have any idea
that we're filming here today.

Here he comes.
Here comes the super.

Nicole: Hi, yeah.
So, um, you're just gonna...

- Do a little work in here, yeah.
- Do some little... like, yeah.

The moderator in the room
is our accomplice, Nicole Wells.

- As opposed to...
- Murr: All right, bud.

You got to find
and eat five eggs.

Murr:
Here he goes with the egg.

You're not going to find
the eggs that easy, Joey.

Nicole: I start on one side,
and what a lot of people do...

- He found an egg.
- Found an egg.

He's got an egg!

Nicole:
Have your hands...

- He found an egg.
- He found an egg.

Yep. He's got an egg!

Nicole: It encourages the
gesture to be at face level.

Crack it against the wall.

But a lot of times, when
you're doing presentations,

- - you're seated.
- The noise.

Where do your hands go?
And if you heard...

Nicole: Parameters
for gestures? No.

So I'm not... there's not
an advocacy of, like,

"well, you should do three
gestures per five words."

But generally, gestures...

In general,
you want them to be full.

Forearms should be away
from your rib cage.

Here, 'cause I wanted
to keep everything tight...

This is the stupidest idea
we've ever had.

Sal: He's got
four to go.

Murr: What are you doing
as a handyman?

Nicole: We're taking up space.
We're gesturing fully.

Murr: Oop, oop, oop, oop.
Getting warmer.

We're making eye contact.

Joe: Ugh!

Nicole: The other thing
I really want you to...

- Ohh!
- Ohh!

Got yourself
an egg there, buddy.

Now, how long before the room

starts getting
that egg smell to it?

Nicole: I just remember
a piece of paper.

And it just relaxes my face.

You just asked me something
that I don't know.

Q: He's just in plain view
of everybody now.

Murr:
Look... look at her.

You know what they
always say to you?

Don't ever do a presentation
after lunch, right?

'Cause you guys are digesting.
It's like the worst time.

- Joe: Yeah.
- So...

♪

Q: Now you got egg
on your lip.

This is worse than the
Turkey-leg challenge for me.

I wouldn't be able to do this.

And that's the other
thing confident,
influential people do.

- They're present.
- What's that?

Nicole: Lean forward,
because they have something

really exciting
to talk to you about.

- Ohh.
- Well done, Joey!

Q: She just saw
you get another egg.

She... she's...

Nicole:
Really come through.

Like your body language
and your voice.

What most researchers
have found to be...

Sal: Okay. You got people
literally locked in on you.

But for you to be effective
and to be persuasive...

Sal: This woman
is bursting.

Nicole: Really what people
are looking for.

Murr:
He's got the egg sweats.

Three eggs is usually when you
tap out for an egg meal.

Yeah.

Really, two hard-boiled eggs
I think is too much.

You know who's really
getting punished today?

It's bessy when he goes
to sleep tonight.

His egg farts start coming out.

Murr:
Two more to go, bud.

Joey spots something.

Uh-oh, uh-oh.
He's going up high.

This is... this is...

Is there an egg
taped to the ceiling?

Nicole:
Now listen to me.

Murr:
He's cracking the egg.

Nicole: You've never...
You've never seen anyone?

Q: Now eggshells
are raining on him.

Nicole: The idea of this
power-pose idea is that...

You're like,
"oh, my gosh, Nicole is..."

Nicole: Hopefully you don't have
to, like, walk on eggshells.

- Oh, my god.
- Joe. "Num num."

Nicole: Wonder woman's
a little bit easier to do.

Num-num.

Nicole:
Create a feedback loop...

- Oh, my god.
- This is so stupid.

Q: All right.
Down to the last one.

I mean, there's definitely one
taped under the table.

Oh, yeah. There is.
Of course there is.

What is... what is this?
Our first day?

Murr:
Uh, uh, uh, uh-oh.

The pace of how...

He's got it.

- So much of us...
- There he goes. Look. Look.

Nicole: The last thing we want
to do is have that quiet moment.

Ohh.

Um, yeah, I mean,
maybe he's enjoying that.

- I'm almost... I'm almost done.
- Yeah.

I actually don't know...
I mean, I... I...

I really don't know.
I mean...

This is the last...
This is the last one.

♪

Oh, my god.
Look at that.

Is that in your makeup
or is that dirt?

I don't know.
That's the problem.

You've never gone in
for a deep clean before.

That's straight-up dirt.
You got a dirt beard.

That is disgusting!

Look at that sh*t.

There you go.

It's like the shroud of turin.

You're okay.

Oh-ohh! Oh, my god!

Here's the best part.
Here's the payoff.

Here's the payoff right here.

- Sal's jacket?
- Sal's jacket.

- Aw, yeah.
- Oh, no. Oh, no.

- Oh, that's great.
- Do you know what's funny?

Is, like, the best part
of it is you and I

will never see that play out.

We just know
it's going to happen.

Some of the best jokes, you just
know they're in the universe.