08x06 - The Dumbbell

[bunniefuu]

Narrator: Coming up, are things
getting hairy for Joe?

My dad is the only dad
that gets bikini waxes.

Will sal choke under pressure?

And which losing joker
will be an unfit judge

in tonight's punishment?

Q: Whoa!

Sal:
Prepare for something amazing.

Q: Hey, mustache, what's up?

Murr: Like a boss!

Sal:
I will never forgive you!

Joe: Larry!

Sal: No jokes today.
We're very serious.

Today, we're at
dekalb market hall, and uh-oh!

Due to circumstances
beyond our control,

we find ourselves in possession
of our daughters' diaries.

That's right.

And we've got to try
to convince a stranger

to listen to at least three
of her private entries.

The catch is,
these "private entries"

have been written for us
by the other guys.

If you can't reveal
at least three

of your daughter's most
innermost secrets

before that stranger stops you,
you lose.

Malana, if you're watching this,

I would never betray
your trust like this.

Also, yes I would.

Joe: Oh, there he is.
Off the streets.

Murr: Cool college kid.

Just a cool college kid
with a backpack.

Excuse me.
Do you mind if I sit here?

There's no other tables
thank you so, so much.

- There you go, sal.
- There he goes.

What's that on the desk, sal?

Sa...

What's that you have
on the table, sal?

Oh, that's not
your planner, sal.

You must have grabbed something
by mistake.

Not to spoil it for everyone,

but that's
your daughter's diary.

Moral conundrum?
Do I...

She's looking at you read it.

This is so crazy.

My daughter's diary is
in my bag, somehow.

And you're reading it?

Well, I didn't.
I didn't read it.

I did not read it.

But, as a dad, I'm tempted.

I've got to be honest.

How old is she?

She's 13.

You would read it?
- Yeah.

- Let me just...
- I would read that.

Oh, she's in.
This woman is in.

This moral quandary is being
solved here in the food court.

Oh, this might be
my 16-year-old...

17-year-old daughter's.

'Cause it says,

"yesterday, I backed into
a parked car" on this page.

My 13-year-old doesn't drive.

Unless she does.

Oh, my god.

I hope my 13-year-old's
not driving.

"Yesterday,
I backed into a parked car.

I did everything
dad told me to do...

- Aww.
- In that kind of situation.

I made sure...

I made sure nobody was looking,

parked a few blocks away,
changed into a different hoodie.

When I got out, I hope
I didn't forget anything."

That's the advice
you'd give her, you dope?

She's good.
She listens to you.

Yeah, she does listen,

because she...
She hit the parked car,

and then,
I did exactly tell her,

"make sure no one's looking,
park a few bocks away,

change the hoodie."

We have a red hoodie
in the trunk.

"So, I shouldn't read
one more."

Is it crazy
if I read another page?

Why don't you just read
the whole book?

Well...

"Dad gave me a talk about
the birds and the bees today."

Oh.
"Everything he told me
was way off-base."

Sounds like you're getting...

Going into
chartered waters now.
Yeah.

"We learned about this
in health class.

It's almost like dad has no idea
what he's talking about."

All right, all right, god bless.

- You have good kids.
- Thank you so much.

You've got to read three, buddy.

Here's one.

This is the last...
This is the...

After this one,
I don't need to read anymore.

I'll tell you right now.
"Hi, diary.

Titty titty titty titty
titty titty titty titty..."

- Look at her face.
- "Love, Becky."

I'm putting it away.
- Great.

All right.
It's respectable.

Wow, that was an... an intimate
thing I shared with you.

Murr: Do you mind
if I just grab a seat, here?

You're fine.
I'm here by myself.
Thank you.

Oh, here we go.
Oh, my gosh.

I grabbed my daughter's backpack
instead of my own.

- Oh, no.
- Oh, my goodness.

It's her diary.

sh**t.

- Oh.
- Look at her. Look at her.

She knows what's about to come.

- This is a moral conundrum.

I mean, do I... do I...

- Mnh-mnh.
- No?

- Mnh-mnh.
- I know, but...

- I know, but mnh-mnh.

- I mean, just...
- Mnh-mnh.

She's getting louder.
"Mnh-mnh."

It says,
"do not read."

At the front,
it's, "do not read."

Ugh.

What does a father do?

A father puts it back
in her bookbag.

I know.
Maybe j... just one.

Just look. I'm just...
I'm gonna flip... let me see.

"Dear diary,

all I want is a tiny, little
ladybug tattoo on my ankle,

and my parents
won't let me get one.

But uncle Jerry told me
dad has a whole smurf village

tattooed
where no one can see it,

and smurfette
is especially detailed.

I hate my life."

I just don't want my daughter
getting a tattoo.

I have a smurf village
on my back.

But she wants a ladybug.
That's cute.

I know, I... but the...
You know, the smurfs are cute.

The smurfs are cute,
but you have the whole village.

I love you.
I love you.

Look, this one's...
This is easy.

"Dear diary,

I caught Paul looking at me
in gym class again.

I've known him since
kindergarten..."
I know Paul...

"but now that we're older,
everything's just so weird.

I know dad says we can't date
because it will mess with

Paul's mom being
his side piece."

- Oh, lordy.
- "Oh, lordy."

"Oh, lordy" is right.

You see, Paul's mother,
I sometimes see on the side,

and if my daughter starts seeing
him, it'll come out to my wife.

It's a bad...

"There's a not a g*dd*mn lock
on this thing?"

Why is there no g*dd*mn lock
on this book?

I would be mortified
if my wife found this book.

- Oh, my god.
- Got to get three.

- This is terrible.
- "Dear diary..."

Don't read anymore.

Joe: Oh!
Oh! Sal: Oh!

- Murray does down.
- Murray's down.

I won't read anymore, okay.

I didn't want to know
these things about my daughter.

You take the wrong backpack,
that's what happens.

Oh, no, no, no, no.
Why?

I had the spreadsheets.
This is Jessica's...

Your shirt matches
your daughter's diary.

This is a moral quandary.

I grabbed the wrong backpack,
and this is my daughter's.

This is her diary.
Oh, no.

Do I read a little bit?

I just... I'll do one.
I'll do one. I'll do one.

"Dear diary, sometimes I hide
in the basement,

throw on some headphones,

and listen to my music
at full volume

just so I don't have to hear dad
freestyle rap anymore.

He's got to give up that dream.
How do I tell him?"

Oh, no.
"My friends won't come
to the house anymore,

'cause he just makes them
beatbox for hours on end."

Aw, man, but my rapping career.

"What does her
Lily-white a*s know?"

What's her Lily-white a*s know?

She likes, like, Ariana grande,
and I like vanilla ice.

You know, real hardcore stuff.

Maybe I do one more?

Just... we'll do one more.
We'll do one more.

"Diary, spoke to all my friends,
even though dad said not to,

and it's confirmed

my dad is the only dad
that gets bikini waxes.

I was right.
It's weird.

And also I think mom prefers
the ups guy."

That's a twofer.

I told her... you know,
she went against my trust here.

I told her
not to talk to anybody.

And what's this stuff
about the ups guy?

Or the ups guy.
Maybe it's the ups guy.

Maybe she's...
She probably likes the ups guy,

the elevator guy
that works in our building.

Sal: Two, buddy.
All right, I lied.
Maybe one one more.

"Diary, dad's really pissed
about my speeding ticket

and punished me for a month.

What a hypocrite.

Found dad's mug shot online
after a quick search.

Public urination is such a
lame thing to get arrested for.

Also why does he wear mom's
lipstick after she goes to bed?"

- Stop.
- I should stop. You're right.

I should stop.

Sal: He got to three,
he got to three.

Do you think I should tell her
that I read it, though?

No.

If I find Milana's diary
12 years from now,

do you think I'll read it?

You'll read it.
I know you're reading it.

No, I know I am.
Do you think I should?

Here we go.

- No, you're free to sit, please.
- Thank you.

Yeah, no problem,
no problem at all.

Hi.
- Uh-oh. Uh-oh.

Uh-oh, coming in hot.
Three ladies and q.

You know what? Actually,
it's good you sat here,

if I can ask your opinion
on something, ladies.
Woman: Uh-huh?

I accidentally grabbed
my daughter's backpack.
Uh-huh?

And in it is her journal.

- Whoa!
- Her diary?

Uh, do I...
Do I peek in it, as an adult?

- I wouldn't.
- You know, it's a tough topic.

I'll do one. I'll do one.
I'll do one. I'll do one.

I'll do one.
Let's do one. Let's do one.

We're doing it.

"Like, I... I know
that I'm not supposed to talk

to freckled people
because they carry diseases.

But Mr. Vale assigned Seamus
as our lab partner.

I don't know
if I could tell my parents.

They'll be furious."

That Seamus kid...

Oh, yeah, no.
Oh, no.

That was just a joke I told her
when she was, like, 12.

Oh, my god.

That wasn't that bad.
Okay.

Maybe just one more?
Just one more?

Just one more?
We'll see what we got.

"Math sucks, but I do know this.

Mom minus daddy
equals happy."

- That's two.
- One more for the road.

Okay, I got...
Aw, this is a rough one.

"I got my first period
the other day."

Okay, I got...
Aww, this is a rough one.

"I got my first period
the other day."

"Dad handed me steel wool
and said, 'figure it out.'"

no more.

Okay, well, there you go.
Well...

That was three,
so that was enough.

Thank you, ladies.

Joe: Oh, so good.

Narrator:
Murr couldn't turn the page,

so he's first up
on the loser board.

Hello.
Today we are teaming up

to give some presentations
to some strangers.

The presentations
will be totally normal,

but what we're doing won't be.

While giving the presentation,

we've got to do and say
what we're told.

And if your team refuses to do
or say anything, you lose.

No jokes today.
We're very serious.

So today we are talking about
crime prevention, okay?

My name's Salvatore.
This is Brian.

Joe:
"Sorry if I feel a bit wonky."

I'm also sorry if I feel
a little bit wonky today.

"Yeah, I almost bled out
last night."

I almost bled out last night.
- Yeah.

Look at their face.

"Now, we have an orgy
of information to get through."

We're going to go...

We have an orgy of information
to get through today,

so let's just bang this out.

"Personal
preparation plan."

You want to speak
to your children about it.

You want to just talk
worst-case scenario.

It doesn't hurt, only helps.

All right, "preventing crime."

Learn how to be a good witness.

The thing
that people notice most

is, like, the hair
or, like, the shoes they wear.

It's, like, the little details
like that that you can pick up.

Sal, go forward a slide,
then go backward,

and explain the same slide
you just did.

- Okay.
- All right.

So here we go with
"preventing crime."

To learn
what people are wearing,

you've got to report their hair,
got to report their shoes,

things that they're wearing,
things of that nature

that are telltale signs
to identify those people.

Why don't you take
"communications - 911"?
Thank you, thank you.

Most important thing,
obviously...

Sal, take this little break
to vape.

What you want to do is make it
as easy as possible

for them to... to help you.

You've got to calm
yourself down.

If you listen to
these 911 calls,

everybody's panicking,
every... and they're...

Just be like, you know,
"they're breaking in."

You know, give them
a reason to...

Is he smoking?

I don't think
you can smoke in here.

- What were you doing?
- What? I was blowing my nose.

- What are you doing?
- I was blowing my nose.

Here, I'll do the next one.

Sal, now go back two slides.

"Preventing crime."

It's the same slide three times.

Learn how to be
a good witness...

Hair, shoes.

It's important to have
identifying things

- that you can look for.

How much did you bleed out
last night?

No, it was... it was...
I ended up being fine.

Really?

Learn how to be a good witness.

But you need to report them.
You got to report stuff.

You got to report their hair.
You got to report their shoes.

Things that they're wearing.
Things of that nature that...

Joe:
"Show of hands, guys..."
Okay,
show of hands, guys...

"if you remember us
from the one-hit wonder

we had in the '90s
called 'hip-hop babysitter'?"

Quick show of hands
if you remember us.

We were the '90s band...
The hip-hop band.

It was called
hip-hop babysitter.

We had... we had two hits,
but international hits.

It was great.
Anybody remember us?
Anyone know us?

Well, you know
who the wu tang is, right?

Are you guys comparing
yourselves to the wu tang?

They didn't have
any international hits.

We had two.
I'll tell you why.
Method man...

"method man's a b*tch."

I'm not saying that.

Yes!
That's how you get it.

Okay, learn how to be
a good witness.

Well, thank you for joining us
at the focus group today, guys.

Joe: So, we're basically
just driver safety,

like, tips and tricks
kind of deal.

That's the topic
of our presentation today.

Q: We're gonna try and bang
this out as quick as possible

'cause we have a stupid wake
to go to tonight.

We will try to bang this out
as quickly as possible

because we have this stupid wake
to go to tonight.

Yeah, right from here.
So...
Dumb, stupid.

It's your aunt.
It's both your aunt.

- It's our aunt.
- It's our aunt.

Let's begin.
"Motor-vehicle safety."

So, put yourself
in the mind-set of a driver

that has to go through
a defensive driving course.

Or put yourself
in the case of our aunt

and make sure you buckle up.

Or put yourself
in the mind-set of our aunt,

who should've buckled up.
- Should've buckled.

Okay.

Q: "Who here
is all about dat money?"

Who here is all about dat money?

Yes. Yes.
Of course, right?

Q:
"Great. Well, you're gonna save
dat money if you drive safe."

You gonna save dat money
if you drive safe.

"Keep that chedda
for yourself."

Yo, you keep that chedda
for yourself.

Ensure you have a clear
view of everything before
proceeding... common sense.

Joe, there's a suitcase
on the table to your right.

Open it up.

Joe:
Okay, this is the part

right after the intersections
where we do the...

Sal: Joopen it up. A suitcase
-okay, this is the partght.

Right after the intersections
where we do the...

And hand out pizza to everyone.

Pizza.

Murray, just keep talking about
what a huge treat it is.
It's a great treat.

Q: And no napkins
or anything to drink

or anything like that...
Just bags of pizza.

Sal: No one... no one has even
motioned toward the pizza.

It's a huge treat.
Why's no one eating?

You just ate.

- This is a huge one.
- This guy's eating the pizza.

- That's what I'm talking about.
- Yeah.

There you go.
Get in there.

Sal: Amazing.
I love that guy. He is, too.

You cannot deny pizza.
Pizza.

You know who
the big loser is now?

Us. I want some pizza.
I know.

Murr: Four-way stops.

Joe, you're done
eating the pizza.

Just put it in that plant
next to you, to the right.

A lot of people do their own
thing at a stop sign, okay?

So, try to read the situation.

Murr, get upset that he did that
and go kick the plant.

You shouldn't have done that,
by the way. This is not...

I thought it was a trash can.
It looked like...

It wasn't a trash can.
It's a plant.

- You shouldn't have... it's...

Jesus.

And that's our presentation,
guys.

"You maggots
have any questions?"

Yeah.

Any questions on...?

No.
Enjoy the pizza.

Narrator:
No winners presented themselves,
making murr tonight's big loser.

All right, murr's our loser.

Murray's our loser,
and you, loser,

have to come here
to completebody gym,

where you're gonna pump
some iron.
I'm ready to go.

And we've written a bunch
of insults on pieces of paper

and shoved them
in that Fanny pack.

While you're working out,

you're gonna have to
pull them out

and say them
to people with tattoos.

So, the insults
are about the tattoos.

- Yes.
- Clearly.

And if anybody knows about
insulting tattoos, it's you.

Oh, my god.

I-I already see one tattoo.

- -Okay, there you go, Murray.
- -

second tattoo, third tattoo.
Oh, my god.

Q: All right, now just
make your way through

every insult in the Fanny pack.

You know how far away we are
if anything goes down?

And you also know
how ineffective we'd be

if anything goes down?

Holy... look at
how much weight this is.

Who could lift this?

Sal: Look to your right.

Oh, tattoo on his back.

Oh, my god.

Oh, my god,
this guy's... Huge.

It just got so real for you,
didn't it?

Pull out a piece of paper.

- Ah!
- Oh!

- Get in there, murr.
- I... excuse me. I'm sorry.

I thought only chicks
had tattoos like that.

Ohh! Ahh.

Sal:
Oh, my god!

Joe:
Pull out a piece of paper.

- Ah!
- Oh!

- Get in there, murr.
- I... excuse me. I'm sorry.

I thought only chicks
had tattoos like that,

the... the... right?

Ohh! Ahh.

"Is this guy trying to get
knocked on his a*s?"

I thought it was a...
Like, only chicks had that.

You know what?
Carry on with the conversation.

I'm gonna be...

Look at the face!
Look at his face!

He's so confused.

Look,
the whole group is confused.

He goes,
"this guy. This guy."

He's laughing.
Look, he can't believe it.

His mind's blown.
His mind's blown.

Because no one
the size of Murray

would ever say
something like that.

This guy's got a great attitude.

Hey, there's a guy with a tattoo

working out
right next to you, murr.

All right, here he goes.
Let's load one up, murr.

Hang on.
Let me see what this is.

This could go bad.

You know...
I, uh...

I know a guy
that can fix that for you.

Oh, god!

The... the tattoo.

I know a guy that can fix it.

He does great work
fixing tattoos.

Yeah.

Oh, it's all right?
All right. Okay, no problem.

- It's so personal.
- Yes.

- It's... you... you chose it.
- Right.

You got it inked on you...
- It has meaning to you.

- Forever.
- Till the day you pass on.

You wear it with pride normally.

And here comes this... this guy.

Look, they're looking at you.

Now onto the next one.

Dude, I... I got a tattoo
when I was drunk, too.

So...

- Ohh!
- Oh, no!

Oh, my god!

And there's also this girl
to your left.

Yeah, look to your left
right now.

Oh, god.

Sal: She's ripped.
Oh, my god.

Yeah, why don't we get in there?

Murr: Oh, my god. Oh, my god.
Oh, my god. Oh, my god.

Oh, no.

Is that...

The tattoo...

The... it...

It looks like a child did it.

Ohh!

I don't even want to listen
to what's about to happen.

Th-that one... is it...
Did you have, like, a...

A young person
did it for you, or no?

Did... was it a child?
No, it wasn't... it wasn't...

Oh, I don't know.
That's why I was asking.

No.
It wasn't a child?

Oh, I didn't realize.
I didn't realize.

- Get out of there!
- Okay. Okay, great.

Sal:
Oh, my god!

That was crazy.

Almost there, pal, almost there.

Oh, my god.
Excuse me.

Did... did you get that in...

Did you get that
in prison, the...

- Oh!

No, the tattoo...
You didn't get it in prison?

- No, no, no.
- Oh. Cool. Where'd you get it?

California.

I knew it was either California
or prison.

- -I can't take it.
- -All right, murr,

this is the last line
in the Fanny pack, buddy.
This is it.

Murr, go back and give that guy
another line from the bag.

What guy?

Drive fast, Murray.

Oh, my god.

This is...
This is my death right here.

You haven't gotten k*lled yet.

Oh, my god. You know...

You know what it is?
It's... it's a...

It's a... it's a cute doodle.

Oh!

- What, the Fanny pack?
- Yeah.

- Aah!
- Aah!

Get out of there!
Get out of there!

He got it.

He got through the whole Fanny
pack and didn't get k*lled.

♪

♪

Talk. Connect. Converse.

I can't sit,
can't talk to my friends.

You can talk.

You're just busy
making a fool of yourself.

I'm just gonna be over here.

Just stand in the corner
and be in time-out.

I thought
you were doing sign language.

Sorry.
I got to take this.

Q: Murr,
you got to slip in somehow

that Joe kept your wife busy
while you were in prison.

Check your brakes all the time.
They need to be checked.

I did serve some time

for cutting someone's brakes,
the line.

It was a...

- Cutting brakes?
- Oh, my god.

That's a felony.

I'm totally for them now,
so it's fine.

Yeah.
All your brakes are safe.

All your brakes are safe.
- Yeah.

Anyways, Joe kept my wife busy
while I was in prison.

- So, now...

you want to make a plan
for your family.

You want to speak
to your children about it.

You want to just talk
worst-case scenario.

Doesn't hurt.
Only helps.

Sal, hit him with the laser
pointer right in his eyes.

So, we look at statistics,

and we have people
that report to the homes.

We look at...
- Whoa!

- Sorry, buddy.
- What the hell?

- Q, overreact.
- Yeah.

- The laser.
- Oh.

- Sorry, sorry, sorry.
- Ugh.

It's a new... this is...
it never had...
ohh!

- Sorry, sorry.

Let me just... okay.
The better... okay.

Did that really hurt you?

Ohh!

Recover super quick.
Be, "I'm fine."

- preparation for the...
- Ohh!

The key elements of...
- All right, I'm back.

Neighborhood watch. What goes
into a neighborhood watch?

In big cities...
like she just said, she
doesn't know her neighbor.

Sal, use "that's what
she said" incorrectly
as much as you can.

You don't know your neighbor.

Your neighbor doesn't want
to know you.

That's what she said.

It doesn't work.

Well, I live on staten island,
and I-I...

When I moved in, I took the time

to go around to the neighbors,
knock on the door,

and say, "hello," you know?

- You said, "hello"?
- Yeah, I said, "hello."

That's what she said.

Maybe you want to have
a party or something, you know?

Right. Or what if you need
chips, and then it's...

That's what she said.

Does it work? I don't know.
I might not know how to do it.

Yeah,
but you've tried four times.

I don't know
how to do it.
That's why
you shouldn't try it.

That's what she said.
Ha!

Sal: How much weight do you
have to lift over and over

for your body to expand
like that?

Well, I know how much
you don't lift

to be the exact opposite.

I can help you with that.

I know how much you
eat to get your body
to expand like that.

I mean, guys like this
just walk the earth?

Their existence
is so different from mine.
Joe:
Yeah, but you know what?

They say the same thing
about us.

You think this guy could eat

a half a dozen cannolis
in a sitting?

I feel he could.

Yeah, but will he look
as good as me doing it?

I feel he wouldn't.

Does that guy have
the discipline I have?

Does he have
the discipline I have

to stay out of the gym
for 42 years?

You know how hard that is?
This guy works out
every day.

I have not worked out any day,
and I'm 42 years old.

Who's got better discipline,
I ask you.

- Well, I guess you?
- Yes.