08x01 - Crash Test Dummies

[bunniefuu]

Joe: First one of season 8.

Narrator: Coming up, what's got
Joe jamming in traffic?

You know...

Will sal unleash the beast?

Let the bad boy out that's in
that bad-boy body of yours.

And which losing jokers
will get trucked up

in tonight's double punishment?

Sal:
Prepare for something amazing.

Q: Hey, mustache, what's up?

Murr: Like a boss.

Sal:
I will never forgive you!

Joe: Larry!

Get rowdy rowdy, nowty nowty.

Today we're on the streets
of New York City

driving cabs
for Brooklyn radio dispatcher.

While driving, we've got to do

and say what
the other guys tell us.

And as always, if you refuse
to do or say anything, you lose.

It's cold now,
so we're gonna go.

Sal: Well, you guys might be
noticing something

a little different
about your friend Joseph gatto.

Yeah, see, he's got
the slick new do.

It's a new do, y'all.

For years I have just quietly
to myself

wondered where you were gonna go
with your next haircut.

What's next.
And you've done it.

You've pushed it to the side,
and it's becoming.

You look like a mature dad.

I am a mature dad.

You're a dad.

Hello, redina.
Hi. How are you?

Hi. Good. How are you?

Joe, get tangled
in that seatbelt, buddy.

So, I'll just lock 'er up.

Nope, sorry.

Okay, one minute... one second.
Hey.
Got it.

♪

Are you okay?
Got it.

You got it.

You were thinking...

Joe, we put a harmonica
in the car.

Just start playing the harmonica
while she's on the phone.

So you'd rather do the...
You'd rather do the 150 one?

Yeah, that's what I was saying.

It's more like, kind of like
a mellow, upstairs...

I can talk to him.

But downstairs, it's like...
You need, like, a ladder...

Sal: Start getting more
obnoxious with it.

You know?
Versus upstairs you can have,

like, 50 people
and it'll feel like...

How is she not
acknowledging him?

Joe, drop some bad news on her.

My cousin has an ovarian cyst.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Joe start doing it really soft.

Yeah, that's how you breathe.

You look so sad.

"Am I crazy, or are
we moving right now?"

Am I crazy, or are we
moving right now?

What?

♪

Oh, wait, so this
isn't your car?

I'm the driver, yeah.

Oh, but the license says
it's someone else.

Oh, that... no, that's me.
This is you?

Yeah, al pollard.

I took that picture
in the summer.

Joe: Murr, you may realize
that there's a speed bag

hanging from
your rear-view mirror.

I noticed the speed bag.

That's so you can get
your punches in.

Matt?
Yeah.

Hey, man.
James. How are you?

Good. How are you?

"So you're from New Hampshire,
right?"

You're from, uh, New Hampshire?

No, I'm actually...
I'm from Canada.

Punch the bag.

Hey, murr, pull over
and run into that store.

Would you mind if I run in
for one second

to grab my thing
from right there?

Oh, absolutely, yeah.
Thank you, bud.

I'll be right there.
Yeah, no worries.

Joe: We put a lot of stuff
in this store front.

Just grab all of it
and start putting it

in the back seat with this guy.

Okay.

Do you mind?

I'm sorry, bud.
Yeah, no, no problem.

Murr: Do you mind? I'm just...
Toss it right over you.

Yeah.
Just toss everything.

Thank you so much, buddy.

Just get it, right?
Thank you so much.

I'm going camping.

Two sleeping bags,

and just the bowling ba*ls
just right there.

Where are you guys
going camping?

We're heading... uh...
"Brooklyn. Brooklyn."

B-Brooklyn.

We're heading near...
Brooklyn.

"One of my favorite animals
are up there in Canada."

One of my favorite animals
is up in Canada, actually.

"The big antlers,
and, uh..."

The big antlers...
What are they called?

The, um...

Uh, moose?
"Goose, goose."

Goose, goose.
"Yeah, Canadian goose."

Canadian geese.
Canadian geese.

Joe:
"No, moose, moose."

No, wait, moose!

Moose, yeah.
Yeah, moose.

Q: Offer him some.

You want some?
No, I'm good, thanks.

"Is it
'cause of my lips?"

Is it...
Is it 'cause of my lips?

My lips... it's my lips...

No, it's not that.

Murr, there's our our friend
on the street there, Adam shuty.

Doesn't he owe you money?

Get out, punch him in the face,
and get back in the car.

Give me one sec, bud.

This guy owes me money.

Just keep an...
Keep an eye on me.

One sec.

Hey.

Sal: Oh, my god!

Q: He clocked shuty!

Sal: No, no.

Q: Look at shuty!

"Hey,
let me ask you something."

Hey, let me ask you a...
A question.

Yeah.
"If you went camping..."

If you went camping, right?

"and when
you woke up..."

and when you woke up...

"your camping buddy was
in the same sleeping bag..."

your camping buddy was in
the same sleeping bag as you...

"and he was kind of
stroking your head

and kissing your ear..."
And was, like,

stroking your hair
and kissing you, right...

"would you
tell anybody?"

would you tell anybody?

I don't know.
Yeah, probably not.

"Hey,
you want to go camping?"

That's it? No?

Man: Here you go, buddy.

Hey, how you doing, bud?

Hey, dude.
What's going on?

Murr: Q, in the front seat,
we, uh...

We put a little prop for you.

Can you, uh, put it
on your right wrist, please?

Uh, what, did you go see
a movie?

I live in Manhattan.
Oh.

I moved there in '86.

I mean, I'm 50, okay?

It's like... you're 50?

I'll be 50 tomorrow.

Fist bump him.
Fist bump him.

Nice.
Happy birthday, bro!
Thank you.

"Do you mind if I rock out
to smash mouth?"

Do you want to, uh,
rock out to some smash mouth?

Smash mouth? The band?
Seriously?

All right.

"So, I've been having this
reoccurring nightmare

about pat sajak..."

Murr:
From "wheel of fortune"?

I've been, uh...

I've been having this
reoccurring nightmare about,

uh, pat sajak...

In... in what... in what sense?

Well, I'm there on the show,
I do well,

and then he starts stalking me.

Like, I go to the movies,

pat sajak is two rows in front
of me laughing like a maniac.

"And he keeps telling me,
'solve the puzzle, b*tch.'"

and he keeps looking me
in the eyes and whispering to me

and saying,
"solve the puzzle, b*tch."

So now I only watch
"jeopardy!"

Murr:
"Head's up, by the way.

There's a...
A spider nest in the back seat."

You're not one of those
silly guys that,

like, are terrified
of spiders, right?

No.

There was, like, a... they found
a nest in the back seat,

a spider's nest.

It's a spider.
Step on it.

Then you'd have to hear
from all the spiders.

You know, 'cause you can
communicate with them, so...

Then I'd have to hear it.

From all the spiders.

Which I can communicate with.

All right, man,
thank you so much.

Cool, thanks.
It was nice working with you.

- Murr: Well done, q.

Sal, do me a favor.

Hit that red button that's
in the middle right there.

Yeah.
Dude, it looks like

you're running around
with method man right now.

Yeah.

You're about to pick up,
uh, your customer.

Oh, my god.

I don't know what to do.

Brooklyn car service?

Sal: Yes, yes.

Why's this car smoking
like this?

S-Sorry, I was just on break.
I'm sorry.

Did you ever eat here?

My favorite pizza
in the whole city.

Oh, I just went yesterday.
Oh, did you?

Did she just kick the seat, bud?

Oh, have you had a long day
so far?

You just got on your shift?

No, I'm pretty long into it now.

It's been...
It's been laid back, but...

Oh, can you just
not kick the seat?

Thank you.
Oh, yeah, so sorry.

No problem.

"I can tell two things
by looking at you right away...

That you enjoy coffee..."

I can tell two things
by looking at you.

I could... I could've figured
you for a coffee drinker.

Really?
Yeah.

"and also,
you with avocado."

I drink a lot of tea.
I know...

Oh, but number two,
though.
Oh, okay, what was
your number two?

You with avocado, though, right?
Oh, you know I do.

Murr: He got it!

But, uh, you know,
you might need to check the map

that we put
on the front seat, there.

I'm like, "I'm not gonna
leave the house..."

Right, right, right, right.

Bud, check the directions.

Maybe you, like,
felt like your food...

Birds swallow rocks
'cause they...

Right.
Yeah, yeah.

Uh, and now it's upside-down,
buddy.

You said bedford?
Yeah.

I just want to make sure I...
I use the quickest way there.

I haven't been in a car
like this in such a long time.

I know.
They're old school, right?

"It's nice, and it's so crazy
that you just insist

on keep kicking the seat."

Like on special occasions,
like... or like a...

It's fancier than a...
Um, cool, just...

If you don't mind, just don't
kick the seat, please.

Thank you so much.

Oh, yeah, I'm so...
Does it seem like I'm kicking?

'Cause I haven't been
kicking anything.
Oh, okay.

"Then it must be your friend
that you're with."

Well, if you could ask her
not to do it, it's fine,

'cause she's the one
right behind me.

Who's right behind you?

Could you ask her not to...

Oh, my god,
I thought two people got in!

I thought there was someone
behind me!

Wait, so you've been talking
to me this whole time?

Yeah, it's just been me.

There's a walkie-talkie on your
seat there to talk to dispatch.

Just complain real quick

that you never get
anybody interesting.

My feet are really...

Joe: There's a walkie-talkie
on your seat there.

Just complain real quick

that you never get
anybody interesting.

- - Yeah...
- Oh...

Oh, my god.
Oh.

Hey, dispatch.
Man: Yeah?

He's definitely gonna say this.
Joe: There's no way.

Joe, you got him.

Over and out, dispatch.
Thank you so much.

Narrator: Murr and sal needed
roadside assistance,

so they're first up
on the loser board.

Toady we're working as janitors

at fairway supermarket
in Brooklyn.

Our goal is to convince shoppers
to make a complete mess

using a bizarre reason
given by the other guys.

If you can't convince
a shopper to go

against their better judgment
and make a huge mess, you lose.

Wait.

Now we're ready.

- - All right, boys. Sal's up.
- All right.

We know no one's doing this,
right?

You're a negative Nancy, bro.

What person in their right mind

is going to take
a gallon of milk

and throw it onto the floor
because I...

You've been saying this
all day, bud.

Somebody will smash milk.

Let the audience
look behind the curtain.

This came across the desk,
and I said,

"I don't think it's gonna work,

and we're gonna be
in the supermarket all day."

You don't have a desk.
Where were you sitting?

Yeah, whose desk were you at?

Oh, hey, dear. How you doing?
Oh, here we go. Here we go.

What is your name?

Let me ask you something, Lucy.

Mm-hmm.

Come over here.

Q:
She looks like deadpool.

She looks like deadpool,
like a little mini deadpool.

Lucy.

See this?

Joe: "I want you to let out
the bad boy

that's inside that
bad boy body of yours."

I'm... I'm gonna give you
the milk.

I want you to throw it
on the floor and break it.

Let the bad boy out that's
in that bad boy body of yours.

You know what I'm talking about.

This is gonna give me overtime.

Q: Oh!

Oh, my god, she's gonna do it?

Okay, push this right here.

Oh, believable.
Oh, yeah.

Oh she's method acting!
She's getting into character!

Y-You're welcome.
Thank you.

Thank you.
Don't worry about it.

Oh, my god!

She's acting.

My god!

Lucy!
Miss, I...

He didn't think
that anybody was gonna do it.

I cannot believe it.
The first person.
All day... the first person.

One for one, baby.

One for one.

Wow.
What?!

Joe: All right, Murray.

Psst.

You didn't drop anything yet.

I need a solid.

What?

These eggs.
Uh-huh.

I need you to break them.

"The pigeon lady blew her a*s
out in the bathroom."

The pigeon lady blew her a*s
out in the...

In the bathroom,
and I do not want to clean that.

Come on!

Nice, nice.

Please? I don't want to
have to clean the bathroom.

"You know you want to."

You know you want to do it.
Mnh-mnh.

Do it.

- - Sal: "Are you doing it?"
- "Are you doing it?"

Are you... are you doing it?

Mnh-mnh.

"It's fun. Didn't you ever want
to have fun?"

You didn't ever want
to have fun?

For once in your life,
just have some fun.

No, you...

No, no, no,
it has to come from you.

It's kind of the hook
of the whole thing.

Oh, excuse me.
I'm sorry, sir.

Oh, that... that?

That's up here to the left
over there.

Wow!
First one of season 8.

Do it, do it, do it.
Just smash... I mean, smash it.

I'm gonna clean it right up.

She's gonna do it.

I can't believe
people are doing this.

Murr: Just do it.
Just do it, do it, do it.

She did it!
That counts!

I got it. I got it.
It's okay. It happens.

At least it's not
the pigeon lady.

Sal: I can't believe this.

Here we go.
Milk and eggs.

Two staples have been shattered.

How's it going?

You think you can do me
a quick favor?

I just need you.

I just need somebody to smash
this orange juice on the ground.

"I like when 'dem customers
do da naughty."

I want you to do it
'cause I like when customers

do the naughty.
"Da naughty."

I like when 'dem customers
do da naughty.

Just... look, here,
I'll give it to you.

Just smash it.

"Also, can I be honest?"

That's not right.

"I'm trying to seduce
my manager..."

I'm trying to seduce
my manager...

"and she gets turnt..."

and she gets turnt...

"when I do
manual labor."

when I do manual labor.

Hook a guy up.
I want to get turnt.

"Come on, shawty."

Come on, shawty.
Do da naughty.

What's it gonna take, shawty,
for you to do da naughty

and just break this bottle
on the flowty?

Get rowdy rowdy,
bowty bowty nowty nowty.

"Shawty."
shawty.

I want you to just
do this for me,

and I promise the outcome
is gonna be spectacular.

Whoa.
Oh, my god!

Q, if she does this, you have
so much pressure on you.

I know!

This is gonna be three
for three!

Oh, there's a spill, everyone.
I got...

No, I got it, miss.

I've got it.

Wet floor here, buddy.
Go around.

Thank you, please go around.
There's a wet floor here.

Got naughty.

Joe: Ah, here he is.

Big box of cereal for q.

Yeah, I don't think that's gonna
make a big enough of a mess.

Let me see what
I can do real quick.

What's he doing?

Murr:
Yeah, I agree with Joe.

I don't know if the cereal's
gonna do it, buddy.

Let me see what
I can do real quick.

What's he doing?

Just thought
this might be better.

Joe:
It's 22 pounds of popcorn.

Whoa, really?
22 pounds of popcorn.

Now, that's gonna make a mess.

Say.

How'd you like to do
a good deed for the day?

What's that?

I'm just gonna cut to the chase.

What do you think the odds are

that you would take those
two bags of popcorn...

Uh-huh.

Spill 'em all over the place.

Well, here's the thing about it.

"I-I live for chaos."

I live for chaos.

"I want to watch
the world burn."

I want to watch the world burn.

Think about this.

Without chaos,
there can be no order.

Murr: Nice, good logic.

That checks out.
Cobra commander.

Come on.
No!

Come on!

No.
Come on!

How many times are you gonna
get this opportunity?

What, you're gonna walk around
the corner, there's gonna be...

There's gonna be somebody else
with two giant bags

of popcorn
to spill all over the place?

That's never gonna happen again.

Q, I'll give it to you
if you do one each.

Yes.
Okay, now we're talking.

How about this?
How about a human connection?

You do one,
I do one at the same time.

Come on.
Which one do you want...

Buttered or non?

Come on, now.

Here we go.
Oh!

Oh, my god!

What is your name?

Kim, I'm Brian.

Let's...
Let's burn this mother down!

All right, ready?

One, two, three!

Yeah!
I can't believe it!

Burn it down!

She did it!

Narrator: All the shawties
did the naughty,

which makes sal and murr
tonight's big losers.

All right.

So, we're at
the prudential center

at the monster jam event

to punish sal and murr
in a grandiose fashion.

The two of you are gonna
take a ride

in a monster jam speedster,
okay?

And whoever handles it worse
is gonna get their stuff

crushed by a monster jam truck,
which is about 12,000 pounds.

That's right. And what are they
competing to save?

Well, it's sal's one-of-a-kind

"impractical jokers"
pinball machine

versus murr's fleet of segways.

How is this even
a fair comparison?

This was made for us.

One of these exists.

Q: Yeah, and you got it,

and we can't stand it,
so we're crushing it.

Joe: Crushing it.

Buckle up, boys.

Joe: Ladies and gentlemen,
thank you for joining us

live at the monster jam
at prudential center.

I'm Joe gatto along with my
favorite color-commentary host,

Brian "q" Quinn.

Oh, my god, Joe, I can barely
contain my excitement.

Two men who define "wussy" are
locked behind cars right now.

We have Murray in a giant
vehicle with horns on it,

'cause he's constantly horny,
and we have sal in a zombie

because he's dead inside.

I thought you said
murr was gonna be evil.

The two horns to be evil.

That's a good one, too.

Sal: Oh, god.
I'm gonna throw up.

Murr: This is not safe.

Let's bring in our two losers
right now.

Bring in murr and sal.

Murr: Oh

now, pound for pound,
sal is the bigger wuss.

Murr has cried
on television 14 times.

Ooh.

Sal 13, so we'll see
who cries more here.

And remember, whoever we decide
has done the worst

will have
his prized possessions crushed.

And here we go!

Oh, boy.

There goes murr!

Oh, my god!

Oh, my god!
Whoa!

Joe: And there goes murr!

Q: He's gonna have to keep
his cool during these jumps,

or we're gonna crush
his precious segways, Joe.

Murr: Oh, my god!

Oh, my god!

Dude, he is getting some air!

That can't feel good on the
undercarriage when you land.

What the...

And there goes sal.

Look, you can already see
the fear in sal's eyes.

Oh, my god.
Oh, my god!

Ah!

Oh, look at these two go!

Oh, my god!

Oof!

Oh, the bald man
will not have children.

Hey, sal, you want to play
some pinball today?

You guys.

Do not crush my pinball machine!

Guys, I'm doing good.
I don't want my stuff crushed!

"I don't want my stuff crushed."
You hear sal?

Crush Murray's sh*t.

You're supposed to take it easy!

Now, I slipped a $20
to the driver of El toro,

hoping he would flip that b*tch.

Uh-oh, murr.

Oh, my god!

Oh!
Oh!

And Murray gets jacked.

Oh, it's pathetic what
I'm seeing down there.

Oh, my god, mother

potty mouth on sal.

Potty mouth points for sal.

This just in...
Someone has shat themselves.

What?
Both!

Both shats!

Are we done?

Did it.
Good job, man.

Cheers to you guys.
We'll tally the scores.

Oh, and the biggest loser is...

Sal!
Murr!

Oh!
Oh!

We have a tie!
We have to crush everything.

Everything gets crushed
in this situation!

Are you kidding me?

Maybe we should do a recount.

I think it's murr!
Sal!

Oh!
Oh!

We really do have to destroy
everything!

It's insanity!
Everything!

It's insanity!
Whoo!

I'm done.
We get it. You're gonna crush
both our stuff.

We get it.
Yeah, go ahead.
Crush my sh*t.

You think I don't know
you were gonna crush it?

Q: All right, zombie,
start your engine!

Oh, this is amazing.
Oh, my god.

No!

No, no, no, no!

Oh, my god, he destroyed it!

♪

That's my...

My ride!
On tape.

♪

Oh, no.

Oh, my god!

Oh, my god!

There's nothing left!

Game over!

♪

Oh, my god, dude.

That sucks.

No multiball madness
on that one.

It happened so fast.

Well, that's all here
from prudential center.

Well, Joe, it was a pleasure

broadcasting with you
this evening.

That's right.
We'll see you next time

on the next
"impractical jokers."

Hey, guys, I just ordered
a new Segway.

You're a real piece of sh*t.

Murr: "You want to hear
something crazy?"

Fun fact, actually, you know,
something crazy is...

"I've had, uh, two separate
body parts eaten

by two completely different
animals in the last two weeks."

I have had two separate
body parts eaten

by two separate animals,
both in the last two weeks.

What are the animals?

One was a cloud leopard.

Are you joking?

No, I went to a zoo,
and I had a backstage tour,

and I visited one...
Oh, my god.

We actually did that.
The cloud leopard tour.

He's pulling from reality
right now.

And one... oh, not going?

Okay.
And one was a turtle.

Was that also zoo related,
or just like...

Snapper... snapper turtle.
No.

What the hell?
Okay.

"I'm thinking of going to work
at that boober."

I'm thinking of going to work
at that, uh, boober.

"You got that boober up
in Canada?"

Do you have that boober
up in Canada?

No, we don't.
You don't?

No, we only have taxis.

"You don't like topless drivers
up there?"

They don't like topless drivers
up there?

They don't like topless drivers?

Yeah.
Boober.

Oh, you're thinking I'm talking
about "uber."

"No, boober!"
No, it's boober, boober.

It's the topless drivers.

I've never heard of that.

Yes, they come to you...
It's all the rage.

Murr, we just came up
with a good business idea.

Hold on one second.

Sal: "Oh, hey,
can you do me a fav?"
Hey, could you do me a favor?

Yeah.
"Can you keep your eyes out

for, like, an orange cat
in the street?"

Could you just...
Could you keep your eyes out

for, like,
an orange cat on the street?

An orange cat?

"My, uh... my daughter wants one
for her birthday."

Yeah, like an orange cat.

My daughter wants an orange cat
for her birthday.

If you're serious,
you could always check out...

Like, they always
do free weekends

where it's free adoption.

They don't charge
adoption fees or anything.

"That's how
I got my daughter."

That's how I got my daughter.

You have kids?
I have a cat.

That's...
you have a cat?
What color is it?

Black and white.

Oh. Damn.

I almost solved the puzzle,
b*tch, you know?

Nope, no one's getting the cat.