07x26 - Staten Island Holiday Spectacular

[bunniefuu]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen,
give some holiday cheers

for the impractical jokers...

Sal, q, murr, and Joe!

What's up?!

How you doing?!

Q: Yeah, all right!

Murr: Whoa,
look at the snow!

Look at everybody!
How's everybody doing?

All right. We are celebrating
the end of our seventh season!

Yes.
Seventh.

Wow!

You know, so we decided
to throw a giant

staten island
holiday spectacular.

So, welcome, guys! Welcome.

That's right.

And what better place to do it

than the beautiful
St. George theatre

here in staten island?

It's great to be
in our hometown.

Sal: We have a lot of fun
in store tonight.

We're gonna show you
three brand-new challenges.

We have music.
Of course, we have gifts.

- Yeah!
- That's gonna be fun.

Plus a truly wild punishment
you don't want to miss.

This is "impractical jokers:

Staten island
holiday spectacular"!

Yeah, I just got one question
about the set.

- Yeah?
- How come my stocking's empty?

You know why!

Cause coal goes to the bottom,

so it's all on the bottom.

Yeah, but we couldn't...
I mean, it's not even real.

It's digital. We couldn't have
put a pile of coal up top?

Somebody's been naughty.

It looks like somebody's
been nonexistent.

What is this?

Someone from the production crew

is trying to tell you something.

I want that name. But if you get coal,

the good thing is
you just come over here.

Oh!

Yeah, you can warm your buns
right up on it.

- Oh, yeah.
- It's nice.

Look at that.

That is a comically large
fireplace.

We have spared no expense.

And these gifts... look at this.

Oh, yeah.

You know, you can't have gifts
without Santa.

And he's busy right now
delivering gifts

all around the world.

But for some reason, every year,

staten island's always
the last place

that Santa hits every year.

Yeah, save the best for last.

That's it. We hope.

We hope that's the reason
that Santa...

Or... or we're
the forgotten borough.

Maybe that. Maybe that.

Either way, though.

Yeah, I know you guys
are worried,

but there's no need to worry,
guys.

I got this covered this year.

- You got it?
- Don't worry about it.

I made this. You made that?

Yeah, I made it. You made that?

Yeah, I just threw it together
real quick.

You ordered a TV online
and put it on some Poles?

It's much more complicated
than just ordering

a high-definition television
and putting it on some things.

This is the Santa tracker, so I
know where Santa is at any time.

Joe, is this
proprietary technology?

Yep, yep, this is
a Joe gatto limited...

How did you develop this?

I developed this
over three years

of extensive research
in the electronics industry.

Yeah.
And then I broke
into the north pole

in a ninja costume
while Santa was sleeping

and I did a little army crawl,

and underneath the sleigh,
I put the apparatus.

- Wow.
- What is the apparatus, exactly?

It's basically
the Santa tracker, genius.

Oh, got it.
Santa tracker.

- It's the Santa tracker.
- Got it.

It's proprietary.
I can't tell you more.

I would have to m*rder you.

And don't give me
another reason, James.

I'm assuming that
this is gonna tell us

his exact location right now.

Watch, I'll just activate it.

Beep!

Oh!
Oh! Look!
Oh!

That's where he is. There's
Jersey, staten island, Brooklyn.

This is it.
You can see where he is.

It's a kind-of-accurate map.

Yeah.
This is kind of Manhattan.

Murr: Oh, there he is!
There he is!

Whoa!

- There he is!
- Santa's on his way, guys!

Oh, no!

Ohh!

What?! What?!

What happened?!

What just happened?!

Did your Santa tracker do that?!

Let's not jump to conclusions.

I'm pretty sure
the Santa tracker

didn't make Santa plummet
into the ocean.

I don't know.
That kid just screamed out,

"you k*lled Santa!" I don't know!

Get that kid
out of this theater!

What are we gonna do, guys?

Santa's gone down
in the Atlantic.

I guess...
I guess it's up to us...

The four of us to save Christmas
for staten island.

We can do it.
That's right!

- We can do it.
- We can do it.

Wow.

Yeah.
Well, we can do it.

We can do it.
If there's any four gentlemen

that are apt to save
staten island's Christmas,

it's us.

But first, gentlemen,

we got to power up.

We got to fill our bellies

with some traditional
holiday dishes, you know?

We don't like to do anything
without loading up.

Yeah.
That's right.

And the way we load up
is by throwing to a bit

for you guys
and everybody at home to see.

So check this out
while we load up.

How is that?

You said "load up" a lot.

Tonight we'll be waiting tables

at Tony's di napoli restaurant
in New York City.

We'll have to approach
the tables

and offer them
the holiday special.

The catch is these strange,
UN-appetizing specials

have been written
by the other guys.

If you can't get someone
to order one of your specials,

coal in your stocking.

That's it.

Wow! that hurt.

Yeah, that was... that was not
what I thought it would be.

Joe: All right,
there he is.

It is so loud up here.
Oh, my god.

You guys got to shout
if you want something

'cause it's almost impossible
to hear.

We all hate you.

I heard that loud and clear.

Q: All right, here we go.

Murr:
Hi, guys, how are you?

My name's James.
Nice to meet you.

In addition
to what's on the menu,

we have some great,
great holiday specials

that I wanted to run by you
real quick. Is that okay?

Yeah.

The first thing we have

is we have
yesterday's soup du jour.

So it's a day-old soup,
but it's still served warm.

And then next, we have...

Q:

We have a-a crab
to the mutha-rangoon.

You've had crab rangoon before,
but not like this.

Next we have
seasoned Mandy patinkin

in a warm and meaty roll, okay?

Of course, Mandy patinkin
from Broadway

in a warm and meaty roll.

So if you're a vegetarian,
stay away from that one.

Look at them!

We also have a...

A squid-like thingamabob
stuffed with god knows what.

If you're a risk-taker,
this is the dish for you.

And then finally,
we have... we have...

Fi... finally, we have
Rudolph's deep-fried hole.

Hole? we have Rudolph's...

We have
Rudolph's deep-fried hole.

For the holidays,
you can't beat it.

So, can I get you
any of the holiday specials?

No, no, that's okay.

No? No?

No way, dude.

You know what, better,
I'll get you some bread.

Joe: All right, q,
let's do it.

All right, here we go.

Hey, guys, how you doing?

Would you like to hear
some holiday specials?

Okay.

First up, the jar of David.

The jar of David...
I'm glad you asked.

That is fruit selected
and fermented by David

in liquids of his choosing.

Ew!

Next is...
Oh, this is a good one.

We've got braised
domestic rabbit

from a long island basement.

Long island basement?

Yeah, yeah. We like to keep them
out of the sun and light,

and we like
that long island attitude

that the rabbits come out with.

This is, uh...

Joe: Yeah, good luck
explaining that one.

Uh, I just want to make sure.

Hey, is the Jewish pizza
with t*ts still tonight?

Oh!

We may have some Jewish pizza
with t*ts.

It's like... it's like
unleavened pizza with some...

Some, uh, t*ts from Spain
on them.

They're like, uh...
They're like, uh, capers.

Uh, next up is ox particles
jacked up with co2.

All right, well, we'll just...

We'll tear through the rest.

We've got corned queef hash.

Anybody in on that?
No? Okay.

I've got dwarf-tossed salad,
which is great.

Misgendered rooster tacos.

- Yeah.
- Ohh!

That sounds good!

You want some of that?

He's got it!
He's got it!

Christmas came early for q.

- All right.
- Sal's up.

Want to take a look, hop?

Get in there, hopper.
Bring your man bun to the game.

Look at him.
Glorious man-bun b*stard.

If you made his man bun
and chase's beard have a baby,

you know how glorious
that thing would be?

Yeah, it would come out
like coal.

Hey, guys, what do you say?
Let's be good-looking

and stand in height order.

Let's do it.
All right, size order, guys.

Look at these three,
then look at us three.

How are we the stars
of the show?

I don't know.

All right, sal.
Good luck.

Sal: Hey, guys.
How are you today?

So, for the holidays,

we actually have
a specials menu.

First, we have a full branzino

that's semi-unconscious,

guaranteed to awaken mid-meal.

I don't know if you've...
Eaten anything like that yet,

but it's an extreme food.

The fresher the fish...

Extremely ill-conceived
beef Wellington.

We weren't sure
if we were gonna do it.

We did it.
We shouldn't have.

Next, we're gonna do
bittersweet chicken lungs

with Michael's blessing.

Michael is in the back.
He blesses all the chicken.

We have
an ancient dry ribeye steak.

- Oh.
- It's gonna be cooked

by the power of grayskull.

We have tadpole gels today.

The tadpole gels...
That's $4 per tad.

Lastly, we have
a slowly roasted stallion

with a catchphrase.

The stallion's got
a catchphrase.

Yeah, so, that's gonna come down

and basically be like
a, "whoa, Nelly" situation.

Does any of those
sound interesting to you?

No.

No?

This was an ill-conceived menu.

Murr: All right,
Joe is in.

Buona sera.

Q: He ran
with the accent!

We're doing holiday specials.

Holiday special.
Here we go.

A poinsettia salad
with cheese mystery.

The plant?

The cheese... who know? I don't
know where the cheese is from.

Could be parmesan,
could be mozzarella.

This one...

Oh...

Ham of god.

It's a baby-shaped ham,

wrapped in swaddling clothes.

Ham of god.
Oh, my god.

This next one was
a last-second addition.

This one...
Oh, this is delicious.

Hopper's man bun.

Hopper. Hey, hopper!

This fella there.
Hopper's man bun.

We serve...
We cut, serve that up.

We warm the bun.

Medium-rare man bun.

Delicious.

Let's see.

Ohh.

Frosty the snowman-hattan
clam chowder.

Frosty the snowman-hattan...

That's a good one.
That's a good one.

Uh, this is an import.

Import, from overseas.

Psy-infused duck
cooked in gangnam style.

So, the quack-quack...
It's great.

It's great.

Ehh.

Uh, okay.

Seared and gagged tu...

Seared and gagged tuna buddies.

Two friends.

Seared and gagged.

Oh!

Caramelized gingerbread taint.

Murr:
Gingerbread taint?!

Try and describe
what a taint is.

The taint is right in between
the as*h*le and the ball bag.

That's the caramelized
gingerbread.

That's gonna do it.

So, uh, would you order...?

The last one?

You like the last one.
Okay.

Q: She's ordering it!

Let's get her the taint!

Q: Wow!

I can't take either of you
seriously with these outfits.

Look at you... you look like
a proper idiot, though.

What? i love you.

He looks like we took him
off the tree

to actually stand here
and do the bit with us.

I don't know.
What's wrong with this?

Sal: No, you look good.

Yeah, lookit.

Guys, we got to wrap this up
soon.

Murr's got to get back
on the shelf.

Well, fellas, Santa knows
just the right thing

to give to every single child.

He's got a list going
all year long, right?

But for us, it's harder.

Let's find out if kids
like our ideas for gifts

right after this break.

Joe: Stick around.

♪♪

All right, welcome back,
everyone!

Welcome back.
Now, if you've been watching,

you know that we tracked Santa
into the depths of the ocean.

He has vanished.

We don't know his whereabouts,
but one thing is clear...

We... we had to step up and save
Christmas for staten island.

- It's us.
- We're gonna do it.

It's on us.

And just like Santa, we're gonna
have to go down some chimneys.

So clearly, we're on
staten island...

Victorian era staten island
behind us

over here on a rooftop.

We've got to go down
that chimney

just like Santa
to deliver gifts.

Everybody following this so far?

- Yeah. Yeah, they're onboard.
- All right, excellent.

Well, fellas, look, it's pretty
obvious to all of us

which one of us should go down
this chimney, right?

- Joe.
- Me.

- What?! You?!
- Me.

- You?!
- Of course.

- With this?
- I'm round.

I'm like a marble.
- No, come on.

Like, my body's built
to slide down chimneys.

Look at how easy it is.
Watch.

Watch, watch.
Ready?

Okay. He's gone.
No, let him go.

He's gone.
Just let him be.

What?

I hope there wasn't a fire
down there.

Let me do this.
I can deliver the gifts.

What, do you think
I can't do that?

- Fine! All right, Joe!
- Seriously.

You guys have heard of
a chimney sweep, right?

Now we've got a chimney creep
right here.

Right here.

Joey. All right.

Okay, careful.
Watch the edge.

There's some soot in there.

- Be careful, buddy.
- Nice and easy.

- There you go.
- Cat-like reflexes.

Now, watch.
- Yep.

There you go.

Ohh!

- Joe, I told...
- I knew it!

He's got both the belly
and butt stuff.

You got stuck?!

I got it.

I-I know what's going...
I'm just taking a break.

A break?
This is Christmas Eve, Joe.

Yeah, I can make it
down the chimney,

but we need to figure out
what gifts to deliver, right?

- Yeah.
- We need to do our research.

Take a look
at what what we thought

would be right for the holidays.

- Yeah!
- Holidays!

Today we're competing
head-to-head

at New York consumer center
pitching holiday toy ideas

to members of a focus group.
- But there's a catch.

Each ridiculous toy has been
created by the other jokers.

If you can't convince
that focus group

that kids would love your toy
more, you lose.

We naughty.

Murr:
Brian and I are toymakers.

We have two different
possible toys

coming to market this season.

So, what we want is your honest
opinion on each one.

The toy I would like to mention
is... A snow person.

That's not a man.

No, I think it's gender-neutral.

So, you open it up,
and inside...

It's got all
the anatomical parts.

This is the... the vertebrae
and the brain stem.

Then you've got, um...

- Whoa.
- Wow.

You've got the full
reproductive organs.

But I thought
it was a snow person.

- That's a man.
- Well, no, it's detachable.

I brought this
as a prototype, okay,

just so you could see what it
would look like, right?

You take... you put
the face there.

Right? Now, of course, it
wouldn't be a snow person

with out, you know,
a carrot nose.

And you put the anatomically
correct mouth right under there.

And then we've got a festive
scarf to go around.

Snow person, guys!

Thoughts?

You are a bumbling idiot.

How do you get
the pieces in the snow?

You build the snow around this,
obviously.

So you never see it.

The kids would see it
when they're building it.

It's a learning process.

You wouldn't see it
from the outside.

It looks like
a regular snow person.

But on the inside,
it's got a working heart,

a working vertebrae
and brain stem.

You're like the predator.

You're brandishing
a spine at me.

I'm just gonna go, all right?

You just go. You just go.
Wrap this one up.

Here we have...

Wrapping paper?

This is very special
wrapping paper.

That is sentient wrapping paper.

This is sentient wrapping paper.

This is your pal wrapping paper.

It's wrapping paper that's
aware, and we tried to give it,

like, an ai-type thing,
where it's almost alive.

Yeah, show us how it works.
- Let's do it.

Hey, pal, what do you think?
How'd your day go?

Paper: Ow! Ow!
That's my skin!

You're cutting my skin!
Ow!

Just... ow! Ow!
My skin!

No gift is worth this pain!

Stop it! This is supposed to be
a season of giving!

Oh, my god!

You know he felt that.

Oh, my god.

The cool thing about this
product, I will say,

is you've got a celebrity
endorsement video.

I do have a celebrity
endorsement video.

I have it right here.

Hi, this is Harry connick Jr.,
and I love this product.

Wait, is that the product?

Yeah, I hate that product.

Okay, okay.

So, Harry connick Jr.
Could love it.

Yeah, he could.
I'm not sure

if he's the right celebrity
spokesperson anyway

for this product.

Thank god you have a second
celebrity endorsement video.

Uh, what is this commercial
for again?

So, that's nsync's Joey fatone.

For what?

I don't even know what that is.

Tony, dude, the check
better clear, okay?

Seriously.

He's gonna ask you, "hey, buy,
buy, buy this wrapping paper."

- Oh, there it is!
- That would be great.

I think that's sort of an
excellent idea.

I still don't know if
Joey fatone

is the right spokesperson.

Thank god you've got a third
celebrity endorser.

Luckily, we have a third
celebrity.

Oh, it's Gary busey, everybody.

Dear god.

Hi, there, kids.
This is Gary busey,

and I lo-o-ve this product.

And if you don't tell your
parents to get it for you,

Santa's never gonna visit you
again!

Ha, ha, ha!

Whoa!

Uh, I mean, celebrities are
pouring out.

Only one of these
can come to market.

So, by show of hands, how many
of you think my toy

should be going to market
this fall?

There you go.
Two out of three.

Q lost!

Wow. Well, I am glad
we are not them.

We have got a mess
on our hands here,

and we will figure it out
somehow.

I mean, I'm not gonna do it.
You're not gonna do it.

We're gonna see sal and Joe
face off after the break.

Give us a minute
to figure this out.

We'll be right back, guys.
Thank you very much.

♪♪

All right.
All right, welcome back!

Welcome back!

Holiday season is such
a special time of year.

- Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah.
- It is.

I start my Christmas music
on November 1st.

You're either with me
or against me.

I don't know.
- Very extreme.

My Mariah Carey
starts November 1st.

That's what I do.

You know, we've been testing out
some holiday gifts.

We've already seen murr and I
go head-to-head,

but now we're gonna pit
Joe versus sal.

Take a look at this.

- Happy holidays, gentlemen.
- Happy holidays.

It's the most wonderful time
of the year.

Most wonderful time.

I still will have no issues.
I like to get toys, still.

- Oh, yeah!
- Of course!

You still give toys.

Every Christmas
you give the toy.

Yeah, those are, like,
adult toys, but I will tell you,

like, I don't have a problem
perusing...

Don't get me adult toys.

Don't tell america
you shop for adult toys.

That's not what I meant, though.

Grown-up toys... remote-control
this or others.

Things with a higher
price point.

Stop winking.
I'm not talking about...

No, I'm not talking about that.

I got it.

All right, here we go.

Hey, guys. How you doing? Hello.
Welcome. Welcome.

Today we're workshopping holiday
toys for the 2019 season.

We think these are good picks.

So we're just gonna get your
feedback on these toys.

What do you got, Joe?

So, sal has made this for Joe.

All right.

You'll like this one.
Hard hatz, with a "z."

Hard hatz, with a "z."
That's right.

So, you got these guys.

This is what it's all about.

The hard hatz with a "z."

You know, you have
the four different colors,

corresponding bats,
and the wheel.

Yeah, that's all you get
with it.

So I have a yellow.

It lands on yellow...
Or it lands on green.

That means the person...
The person wearing the green

is gonna get hit with a bat.

I don't know about that.

So, if I'm yellow,
and it lands...

You don't want it to land
on you 'cause...

Okay, good.
Now we go get the blue kid.

There goes sal.

Are you asking us or telling us?

It'll show better,
if you know what I mean.

- I have a question.
- It lands on red.

Lands on red.
She's in charge.

Does she get hit in the head
with a bat?
No.

Does she hit someone else
in the head with a bat?

She gets to as*ault a child
of her choosing.

And that person spins?

It's complicated.
- It's complicated?

Yes.

You hit the person in the head
with the bat.

That person goes out, like,
duck, duck, goose.

The last kid conscious wins.

Man: I think it's dangerous to
put these kind of things

in the hands of children.

- Yeah, it's terrible.
- Exactly the point.

Kids these days
are already dangerous.

Yeah.
- I agree.

But, listen, here's the thing.
This is a game with friends.

It teaches the kids...
- How to hit people with bats?

Yeah, but in a playful manner.

I-I don't see that happening.

No.
- No.

- Joe!
- Joe, there's no way, buddy.

Let's bring these back.
I think we beat...

I think we beat this one.

Yeah, let's see another one.

All right.
Sal, you're up.

And here we have...

What's in...? Hmm...

What is in the box?

Why you stalling, bud?

I mean, we're ready.

I think I want to re-work my
pitch from what I practiced.

I don't think it really matters.

Christmas characters are just
classic... you have the grinch.

You have Rudolph.
This is similar to that.

It's the Christmas worm.
- The Christmas worm?

So, it's a prototype.

There's, like, the Christmas
worm, the Christmas elf.

Oh, my god!

Let me explain something.
Let me explain something.

I've never seen a worm that its
eyes, like, pop out like that.

That looks like a perverted et.

No, it is the Christmas worm.

That's a dildo.

I never...

- It is!
- Andra!

- That's exactly what it is!
- No, it isn't.

Guys, please disregard
what you think it is.

It's a prototype.

When we make the molds... when
we make the actual molds...

A mold for a worm?
How hard is that?

I was hoping if I covered
the bottoms,

you wouldn't have known.

Hard hatz doesn't look too bad
right now, Montgomery, does it?

- No, the price of the bat.
- How much is the dildo?

No, it's a Christmas worm,
Montgomery.

It's $19.99.

The Christmas dildo
is cheaper than...

It's not a Christmas dildo,
Emily!

- You guys!
- I'm telling you!

If you didn't realize...
If you didn't realize

that these were...
Fake testicles,

wouldn't it be a fun shape,
though, for a Christmas worm?

No.

I-I implore you to understand

this will be a silicone mold
of a worm.

There's no... there's no shot.

You can just stop wasting time.

By a show of hands, if you think
I had the better product,

please raise your hand.

Yeah.

I'll take "I guess."

Joey wins it.

If we combine games...

Nice try, d*ck.

♪♪

Look, we may not be great
with coming up with gift ideas,

but we try our very best to give
back as much as possible.

That's right, and recently we
teamed up with toys for tots

to make the holidays
extra special for kids

at northwell health staten
island university hospital.

We have Henry,
and toys for tots...

It's a marine charity
organization.

Tell us a little bit about it.
- They make all the toys.

You guys have elves?

Yeah, we work at the north pole
and build the toys ourselves.

Well, it's a great charity,
and we're excited

to be able to take part in it.

We really appreciate
your support.

Hello! Hey!

How we feeling?

- I'm good.
- Yeah?

What's your name?
- Jordan.

Jordan.
We came bearing gifts.

- Thank you.
- Of course!

Do you like legos, or do you
like transformers?

- Legos.
- That's what we thought.

So we got you this.

Thank you.

Who's your favorite
impractical joker?

- Joe.
- Oh, all right. Good.

Excuse me, buddy.

I'm just gonna slide in there,
I guess.

What do you got for us?

You got something for us?
- I got this thing.

All right. All right.

Hey, Hector.

We brought a ton
of Christmas gifts.

Let's see.
How about that?

Truck?

- No.
- No?

Okay.
Off you go.

You tell me when you're happy.

- Gi Joe?
- Gi Joe?

Barbie?
- No!

What do you want?
Let's see what we got.

Spider-man nerf g*n?

You're really getting in there.

It's fine.
The transformer you guys have.

If there's no dinosaurs,
I'll take this.

Are you gonna be
a paleontologist?

My job is gonna be a teacher.

- Okay.
- Very cool!

What are you gonna teach?

Kids.

There you go. Hi, spots.
You got to love spots.

Let's see what we got
for you here.

Do you like... don't peek.
You can't peek.

It's got to be a surprise.

All: Aw!

I watch you guys on TV.

You do?
That's our boy right there!

Do you like dolls?
Boom!

I knew you'd love it.

Ooh, I like that, too!

True professionals.
- Hey! How are you?!

You like tools?

I love this one.

- All right!
- All right! There you go!

There you go!
- Thank you.

This is no good?

She thinks it's weird.

All right, so, it's weird.
We don't want this thing.

Giving her options.

I like it.
You know what you want.

You know what?
Oh, it's fine.

You got cash?
Everybody likes cash.

I like cash.

- Yeah, just give her cash.
- There you go. There you go.

- Cash for tots.
- Here's $20, all right?

Happy holidays.
Here you go, guys.

Thank you again to all
the marines

associated with toys for tots,
and of course,

northwell health staten island's
university hospital.

You guys at home can donate
to toys for tots, as well.

Check out the info below,

and from now until 10:00 P.M.
eastern tomorrow night,

trutv will match all
your donations up to $50,000!

How about that?!

And now, some lucky kids
from the audience

are gonna be able to meet
Santa claus!

- No! No!
- Dude, the tracker!

We don't have Santa!
- Santa's not here.

What are you reading that for?!
That's a typo!

It says the kids
get to meet Santa.

Well, he's not here!
He was...

- Well, that's not my fault!
- Well, it happened!

Now what are we gonna do?

Scrape up a Santa somewhere
and get him over here.

Guys, guys.

- Oh, no!
- Hi, kids.

All: Ohh.

Everybody act natural.

You guys came to meet Santa,
right?

- Yeah.
- Okay.

Well, you know what,
he... he... so, he...

He hit traffic.

He designated me
his special helper

because he hit traffic

because between exit 12 and 13

on the staten island expressway
is always a mess.

It's always a mess.

You got to wait till after you
get around that turn.

It should be more than one Lane.

But I got this because Santa
gave me the job to do this.

I'm gonna save Christmas so hard
right now.

Go get 'em, sal.

What do you guys want
for Christmas?

A pony.

What do you want?

A dirt bike.

A dirt bike!

I want a humongous Teddy bear.

All: Ohh!

- Okay, fair enough.
- He's got gifts!

Uh, okay, guys.
Come over here.

I'm saving Christmas right now.

I'm absolutely saving Christmas.

What was your name, honey?

- My name's Gabriella.
- Okay, Gabriella.

And what did you say
that you wanted?

I want a huge Teddy bear.

Fair enough. Okay.

Come on, sal.
Save it so hard.

Okay.
This is just like a...

This is, uh...

This is...

You got it, sal.
Think outside of the box.

This is a red Teddy bear.

And don't eyeball me like that.

Just be happy
that you got something.

Thank you, Gabriella.
- Thank you, Gabriella.

My god, though.
- You're doing great.

Okay, I'm saving Christmas
right now.

What's your name?
- Luke.

Luke. What did you say
that you wanted?

- A dirt bike.
- A dirt bike?

Oh, that's...
You're in luck, buddy.

A dirt bike definitely
fits in that red bag.

A dirt bike is kind of like...

A sandbag.

Did you just steal that
from the set?

- What?
- You stole that from...

No, Santa left
these gifts earlier

and told me when the time comes
to give them out.

That's just like...
Just sit on that.

It's not gonna go far, but you
can sit on it like a dirt bike.

It says "St. George theatre"
on the side.

Thank you for coming, Luke.
Thank you, buddy.

- He left it.
- All right.

That's his problem to work out.

Hello, cutest kid
I've ever seen.

Hello, and what is your name?

Sienna.

And what did you want
for Christmas, honey?

A pony.

Oh, you are in
so much luck, as well.

Santa left this for you,
and this one...

We just have a son of a b*tch
of a diamond.

Yeah, there you go.
- Whoa!

- Thank you so much.
- A huge diamond!

Thank you so much.
It was back there.

There you go.

I think they should all be
happy.

Happy holidays.

Where did you get a diamond?

- What?
- Where did you get a diamond?

I told you I was
gonna save Christmas.

That's like the heart
of the ocean.

I just saw Luke hit her
with the sandbag and run.

Well, coming up,
the giving continues

with our giftwrap challenge.
Stay tuned, everybody.

♪♪

I'm glad
that front door was open.

Man, these hats are good
for breaking windows.

We're in somebody's living room.

This is weird. This is what
Santa does every year...

Like, just go into
strangers' homes like this?

I mean, yeah.
It's very odd.

Like, do you feel like
maybe this is not right?

I'm okay with it.

You know what, it is...
Oh, there's cookies.

Right?!
Oh, there's cookies
and no Santa.

You know what that means?

Those are our cookies.

Joe:
That's very smart.

Those are our cookies now.

Delicious.

Yeah.

No one knows Santa's not coming.

- No.
- We're the only ones.

They're putting out
milk and cookies for him, and...

I like your dress!

Mom, there's four old guys
down here

eating Santa's cookies!

Aah!

Sleep!
Sleep!
Sleep!

- Shh!
- Sleep!

Sleep.

Between Santa
and this little girl,

we're leaving a trail
of Christmas carnage.

Let's go.
Let's go.

Maybe we should get out of here.

That's a good idea.

Yeah, when she comes to,

she'll have to put the pieces
together for herself.

Okay.

I look better in the dress.

Let's take a look
at the next challenge.

Today we're teaming up
in the supermarket

to secretly wrap things
in people's carts.

Yeah, while one of us
distracts the customer,

the other one will steal
an item,

wrap it, and put it back.

The team that gets
the most wrapped gifts

in a shopping cart
before it leaves the aisle wins.

My t*tties has bows.

Happy holidays.

Murr: Q.

Huh?
- Yeah, you look good.

You look ready.

You got tape?

Nailed it, murr!

Excuse me.
Yeah?

I've been kind of, uh,
out of touch

for, like,
about seven years now.

I haven't really been
out and about.

I've kind of been... All right.

Locked away.

Weird way to start
a conversation with a stranger.

So, my question
is string cheese...

Is that really a thing?

I come out. Joe: There goes murr!

And they're telling me
that jell-o now

has a lemon meringue pie.

I just feel like what...

What have I missed
in the past five years?

Like, I'm trying to get, like...

Why would you try to wrap
the whole cart?

A general consensus
about what I missed

in the last five years!

I mean, they're up
to an iPhone 9 now?

Time moves on.

Yeah, it doesn't move
fast enough,

if you know what I mean.

I mean, I have no basis
of comparison

because I have not wrapped
anything yet.

But it feels like
Murray's terrible.

These are lime flavored?!

And what's going on here now?

Extra creamy?!

I mean, I'm blown away
by the world today!

I got other questions! There you go!

Hey.
Happy holidays, bro.

A whole cart?

I was getting close. Getting close?

I was talking to the poor guy
for 10 minutes!

Murray, you should try to be
a little bit more successful

and enjoyable to watch.

Q, you get locked
in this supermarket

for all eternity...
Yeah.

Take me through the smell
in here after two years.

The toilets don't work?

The toilets don't work.
You can't flush.

Can I out a window?

Well, no, you're sealed in.

Yeah, but the sinks.

I would pee in sinks
and poop in sinks.

- In sinks.
- But the pipes...

You could probably still pee
in the pipes.

I hope our conversations
are much more fun than these.

Not only for us in real life,
but also for the viewers.

This is pitiful.
This is pitiful.

But in a pinch,
you're going in dairy, you know?

In a pinch, I'm probably going
in the health-food section

'cause I won't go there
that often.

All right.

Man, I just came down here
for butter.

It's my first time
in a supermarket in seven years.

I'm like,
"what butter do I get?"

Premium,
really, really rich butter.

- Really rich butter.
- Really good.

Joe: There you go,
Murray.

'Cause where I live, they just
provided everything for us.

Oh.it was just like,
if you wanted butter,

they just brought out
this tub full of butter.

We were only allowed to eat
the butter

that ramstein said
that we could eat.

It was kind of like
a religious... they say "cult,"

but I was like,
"eh, you know."

We were all having a good time.

And then it turns out
that ramstein, the leader,

was doing all sorts
of tax-evasion stuff.

Joe: There you go!
You got it!

That's one.

- South Jersey.
- Oh.

He's trying to get another item.

We were all having a good time.
It was more like a...

Just like a compound.

- Just coming around.
- Ah, nice, murr!

Q: Do you like
this butter?

This is fantastic.
Okay.

It's my favorite.

Yeah, but it was good.
It was great.

And now I'm back
on staten island,

and, man, they put up
a lot of traffic lights

in the time that I've been gone.

Now he's onto traffic lights!

He's got someone. This is unbelievable!

He's got someone
that appreciates

a good
sh**ting the breeze.
Yes.

Like, if you said
there was one thing

that I should check out
and track down

in the time that I've been,
uh...

There's so much.
There's really so much.

- There's so much.
- Pizza.

I would go with pizza.

Pizza!

What's the best pizza
in New York City?

Luigi's.
Luigi's!

Where's Luigi's? Joe:
All right, that's two.

Oh, murr.
That's gonna be risky, murr.

Ah! Ah! Ah!

Hey, bud.
Are you all right?

This is not mine.

Joe: Yeah!

Deuce, right?

Is there...?

They're gone!

Two gifts is good!

Q: Who's distracting,
and who's wrapping?

Wrapping.
Distracting.

He's wrapping with a "w."

I'm rapping with an "r."

- Yes.
- Okay. All right,

who is wrapping with a "w"?

He is.

And you'll be rapping
with an "r."

With an "r."

You know, I can't wait to see
this. I got to be honest.

Wrapping with a "w"
also has an "r" in it.

That's the problem. It's unclear
who's gonna do what.

Or I can just, like...

For distraction,
I could rap on this.

Why don't we wrap it up
so I can go home?

Here we go.

Look at this.
Yogurt in a glass.

See this yogurt in a glass now?

Sal's going in.

Wow, I never saw that before.

Like that's so astounding.

It's just packaging.

Joe has got an item.

Soda is better out of a bottle.

So it's more true to the flavor
of the product.

Sal's got this guy on the hook.

Sal was a bartender.
He's got that gab skill.

He used to make his living
with that silver tongue of his.

Hey, hey. Hey, what do you want?

You want a Martini? Welcome to sal's.

Hey, welcome to sal's.

Hey!

Tap water and use a thermos.

I stopped years ago.

Heated-up plastic
can be bad for you.

The chemicals.

Ohh!
That was close.

Joe!
Joey! Joey!

That's why...
That's why all the...

That's why all the canteens
are...

Oh!
Oh!

Go-gurt is on sale.

Joe, you are a sneaky,
little Italian elf.

It's gimmick after gimmick now
because now look...

They're putting extra protein.

That's one powerful yogurt.

Wow, Joey going for two!

Could be a little overwhelming

if you're coming shopping
for the first time.

Ohh!

He gets this, he ties us.

But sal's
running out of things to say.

Sal's running out of things.

Sal, keep talking.
I got his cheese blintzes.

And then... these little extras,

they put in, like, a little,
you know, pretzels, this, that.

Turns this from healthy
to garbage right away.

Ugh.

I'm trying to hurry up.
But you could have told me

when to talk to him.
I'm already down the aisle.

Murr: Wow,
that's a great wrap.

Q:
Heck of a wrapping job.

I apologize, buddy.
I'm clearly a bad partner.

I take tinfoil and I put it in,

and I just aluminum-foil it.

Oh, my... pulled my fat.

Sal: This is, like,
a yogurt drink.

Oh, come on!
Dude!

Uh-oh.
Uh-oh. Uh-oh!

And...
And...

He found the gifts!

Ohh!

He left the gifts! Oh, no! He took it out!

Back down to nothing, Joey.

- Damn it!
- Joe, I hope you kept

the receipt for those gifts

because he's returned them. Here we go.

Sal: Joe, I'm going in hard,
baby.

- You all right, buddy?
- Nice!

I'm okay. I'm okay.
I'm okay.

Sorry. I just tripped.
Sorry about that.

All right.
- Joe got the spaghetts.

Murr:
Is that tinfoil?!

You just talked about it.

I can't say it's not allowed.

Aah!

Oh, my god!
Ahh.

Man: If you ever need
a job...

I'll put it back
where I got it here.

Q: He's going for more.
Joe, you only need one!

Murr: Joe,
you're gonna get busted.

Oh, Joe... that's it.

If you get busted,
we win!
Yeah.

Let's not get greedy
about it, sal.

What?

Ow! Again.

Ohh!
Ohh!

Did not notice the gift!

Oh, my god!

Oh, my god!

I can't believe it.

Here.

You're bleeding!

I know.

- Wow.
- It's a tie!

All right, sal is
our holiday loser.

Surprise, surprise, right?

All right, well,
sal's punishment

is coming up after the break.

And trust me,
you can't bear to miss it.

Ah, yes!

Welcome back
to staten island! Yes.

'Tis the season to be punished!

Yes, yes.
And sometimes, guys,

as you all know,
it's too easy to punish sal.

You can put him in a room
with any animal...

Chickens, kittens,
whatever you want.

So, for this special
holiday punishment,

we decided to go a bit bigger.

And we were wondering,
is there a place

or way we could put sal
in the same pen

as an enormous freaking bear?

Well, it turns out the answer
is Indiana.

You can do anything in Indiana.

This punishment puts the "claws"
in Santa claus.

Joe: Yeah!
That's right.

Let's see how he did.

Terrible.

Whoa!
We made it!

You cannot have a holiday
special without gift-giving.

Yes, that's right.
And, sal,

since you're our loser,
you are our gift.

That's right. So jump
in that box right there, sal,

take this with you.

Happy holidays. No peeking.

I mean, it smells like
fried chicken.

All right, well,
then you can look.

Joe:
Happy holidays, sal.

Our friend Jeff
from wilstem bear encounter

let us borrow a couple
of his buddies

to mess with our big bear.

I mean, sal is a gift
to america, to the world, right?

I'm gonna pass out.

It's about 150 degrees in here.

I'm claustrophobic as it stands.

The odds that something
can go wrong is what?

There's a percentage,
but it's low.

That's what they call
acceptable risk.

- Oh!
- Oh, wow!

We've outdone ourselves.

I'm gonna pass out.

Q: I got something
that's gonna wake you up

coming right about...

Say hello.

Sal: I'm not looking!
I'm not looking!

The second it makes a sound,

I almost urinated.

- There you go.
- Oh, my god!

Oh, my god.

Ah!

This is not right.

Get it, bear.
Get it.

There's your friend.
Take a look, sal.

There's more than one bear?

Oh, my god!

How many bears?

How many bears?

Get it, bear.

Who's in there?!

- Wow.
- Oh, they just saw sal.

Look at that!
Do you see that?

Ohh! They smell those
herbs and spices!

God, please help me.
God.

Sal, can you see this?

Yes.

Are you facing the direction
of the bear?

Shut the up!

I need a Christmas miracle.

Ohh!

Oh!

They love their gift.

Sal, we're gonna need you
to stick some chicken

in the cage.
Yep.

Oh, my god.

Sal, be careful.

Oh, my god.

Oh, my god. Q: What?

His breath feels like
a strong gust of wind.

Be careful, sal.
They smell fear.

You don't understand
what their breath sounds like.

Yeah.

Ohh!

Oh, my god!

Oh, my god!

What the just happened?!

What the just happened?!

He's right in your earlobe.

Yeah, there you go!

Oh, look at sal.

Oh, my god!

I'm looking down his throat!

Sal, you've got two bears...

You have two bears
having a picnic.

Having lunch. What are they doing?

Breathe through it, buddy.
You're almost done.

They're almost done
with the chicken.

This is up.

This is up.

You guys are lowlifes.

Oh, my god.

He's six inches
from your crotch.

Watch the chicken nuggets,
buddy.

Is your chicken bucket empty?

I'm out of chicken.

Yeah!
Good job, buddy.

Good job.

Don't worry. We've got
more chicken for you, sal.

Hey, happy holidays, sal.

Come on, boys.

Oh! No! Chill out!

I'm getting
fried chicken in my eyes!

Are you kidding me right now?!

It's like a carnival game!

Q: Yeah, and I'm getting
really good at it.

I got plenty more
where that came from.

Don't throw it that hard

- that's it, sal.
- It's all over.

Well done.
Happy holidays, buddy.

Happy holidays.

- Ohh.
- You made it.

Joe: You survived. Barely.

I'm still here.
I'm still here.

We are running out of time
to save Christmas

for staten island.

But we're gonna make some magic
happen when we return.

All right.
There you go.

Good crowd.

I appreciate that.

I don't know why
you guys are applauding.

We've reached
the end of the show,

and Santa didn't make it.

We didn't save
staten island Christmas.

We didn't save Christmas, guys.

We tried as hard as we could.

We went into one house,

ate cookies, and ran, but...

We not only let down
staten island,

we let down the world.

Yeah.
There's no Christmas ever again.

h*, h*, h*!
h*, h*, h*!

Merry Christmas!
- Wait a minute!

- It can't be!
- Merry Christmas!

Whoa!
Whoa!
Whoa!

h*, h*, h*!
h*, h*, h*!

What's going on?!

It can't be possible!

- Santa!
- Oh, my god!

Joe:
I didn't k*ll Santa!

It's Santa claus!

He's alive! I didn't k*ll him!

You didn't k*ll him! Merry Christmas!

Santa claus!
Santa!

A good little boy!

Oh, man!

That was my bad.
I know.

With the whole
tracker thing.
Yeah, I know.

It kind of blew out my GPS
on the sleigh.

Oh, yeah.
Yeah,
but I forgive you, Joe,

and I'm gonna keep you
off the naughty list this year.

- Oh, good.
- It's unbelievable.

This year. This year. Okay.

However, I want you to know
what it feels like

when you're flying around
and you have no control

over where you're going.

Q: Oh.

Sal: Oh, like what you did
to him.

♪♪

Sal: Hey, come on, Santa!

Santa!

For the lights!

- Whoa!
- Oh, my god, Joe!

Joe: Come on!

- Oh, my god!
- Come on, Santa!

Q: Santa, you must have seen
that genie punishment

where we made Joe go flying
all over the place.

- Exactly.
- This is unnecessary.

That's why I did it.

You are devious, Santa.

- Oh, yeah.
- I'm sorry.

I'm glad it all worked out.

It will never happen again.

Okay.
Come on, guys.

Let's go distribute some gifts

to these beautiful people
here on staten island.

Yeah!
Yeah!
Yeah!

- What do you say?!
- Let's launch some gifts!

All right. Okay, let's also welcome

"the late show's" gospel choir

from murr's Dracula punishment.

You remember them?
Bring them on out!

- Come on out!
- Yeah!

Come on out!
Let's go!

Murr:
Let's get some gifts!

Here we go!

♪ Joy to the world

some gifts!

♪ Joy to the world

all right!

♪ Joy to the world

let's do it.

-♪ Joy to the world
-here we go!

What the hell?!
Santa!

Santa, don't!
No!

♪ The glory
of his righteousness ♪

♪ and wonders of his love

come on!

Whoa! Whoa!

♪ And wonders of his love

oh, my god!
Santa!

Murr: You got it, Joe!

Ohh! Oh, no!

Sorry about that!

That's my bad!

Q: Oh, Santa.
You okay?

What a show!

Thanks to "the late show's"
gospel choir!

And our good friend...

Give it up for Santa claus,
everybody!

Santa claus!

Thank you all for being here.

We love you, Santa!

Good night and happy holidays!

We'll see you next season!