07x23 - The Bogey Man

[bunniefuu]

Narrator: Coming up,
why is q up against the wall?

What's got sal sitting pretty?

And which joker
will be mean on the green

in tonight's punishment?

Sal:
Prepare for something amazing.

Q: Hey, mustache, what's up?

Murr:
I want my mommy!

Sal:
I will never forgive you!

Joe: Larry!

Q: Merge.
Merge the two companies.

We're back
at lic dental associates

getting our dentist on!

While checking out
patients' teeth,

we got to do and say
what the other guys tell us.

If you refuse to do or say
anything, you lose.

Say, "ahhhhh."

Ahhhhh.

Ahhhh.
Ahhhh.

Joey, when the patient comes in,
I want you hiding

underneath that chair.

All right, here you go, buddy.

You all right, sir?

I'm stuck.

There's an up arrow here.
Do you see that?

Oh, just hit that.
It was like "127 hours" in here.

Have you ever had
corrective head gear?

- Oh, what, a retainer?
- Yeah. Dontics.

Dontics.

When I was younger, I had
dontics from 12 to 15 years old.

Yeah, I had the dontics.

"I got picked on a lot
because I also had pedics."

I got picked on a lot
when I was little.

I had the dontics up top,
I had pedics down low.

"Used to make fun of me
in the locker room

'cause I had a smalltics."

Used to...

Used to shower in
the all-boys high school

and I had a case
of the smalltics.

Dontics, pedics, smalltics.

Now you got oldtics.

- "Oh, hey."
- Oh, hey.

"I could put a movie on this
while I'm working on you."

I could put a movie on.

"We have
an adult selection."

Well, we got a whole

selection of, you know,
there's everything.

Got action movies, comedies,
horror movies, adult.

"You can get
'weapons of a*s destruction.'"

you could get "weapons...

"of a*s destruction."

I could straight up hook you up

with "weapons
of a*s destruction."

"The movie doesn't show
on your Bill.

Nobody'll know."

And nobody'll know,
because it just says

"entertainment package."

So, do you want the
"weapons of a*s destruction"?

No. No. No.

Let me get the dentist
for you, and...

I'm out.

All right. There we go.
Is that comfy?

Yeah.
"If you haven't noticed,

we planted you
the nitrous gas behind you."

You could just pretend
to take a hit of that.

So, okay, so you're
not going under,

so you don't need any nitrous
oxide or anything like that?

- No.
- No?

You don't mind if I take
a little toot?

For you to take what?

A little toot?

No.

You're not a narc.
You're not gonna...

A narc.
"You have to tell me.
You have to tell me."

You have to tell me
if you're a cop.

- I'm not a cop.
- Okay.

♪

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, one'll do you.

"Hold on.
I need another toot."

Hold on. Just one more toot
to straighten me out.

"If anybody asks,
you took all this."

If anybody asks, you took that,
'cause they measure it.

"Feel free to pay more than
the co-pay."

I mean, feel free to pay more
than the co-pay.

Um, did you...
Were you recommended in here?

Joe: The gas...
The gas is getting to you.

Is she a cop?
Destroy the evidence.

Destroy the evidence.

What're you doing?

What was that?

He just broke a tube.

Throw yourself up against
the wall... against the wall.

"Toot, toot, mother"

toot, toot, mother

toot, toot!

Toot, toot, mother

when's the last time
you had x-rays done?

Do you remember?

- Probably like may.
- Okay.

Let's take a look.
Open up.

Hey, murr, I don't care
what you have to do, buddy,

but you make sure
that you end up in that chair

with her examining you.

Good luck.

The patient becomes the doctor.

- That's it.
- Now what I noticed, too,

you have some receding gums
in the back.

Now this is why it's important.

As you get ol... how old are you,
if you don't mind if I ask?

- 26.
- 26.

Okay. I'm 41.
Considerably older.

But I grew up in a household

where we had a lot of meat
and things like that.

You know, my parents
cooked a lot of beef.

He's really laying this
on thick.

- He's going.
- "My parents cooked

a lot of beef"?
- Yeah.

I'm gonna show you the back
of my teeth,

where this could develop,
if it does develop.

Sit up for one second.

I'm gonna give you a chance
to take a look, okay?

If you don't mind,
just put these on real quick.

This woman is putting
on dentist's gloves.

Put this on so you get
the whole feel

of the experience,
if that's okay.

And a lab coat.
- Wow, murr.

All right. I can show you
the difference...

Okay. Ahh.

Murray, I give it to you, buddy.

- Unbelievable.
- Great job, buddy.

Nice work, bud.

Joe:
Uh, you look good, sal.

The problem is the pants
don't match the jacket,

so you're gonna have
to lose the pants.

Take your pants off,
leave your boots on,

and just close your jacket.

♪

Joe: You look good, sal.

The problem is the pants
don't match the jacket,

so you're gonna have
to lose the pants.

Take your pants off,
leave your boots on,

and just close your jacket.

Well, how's that gonna go?

Well, let's find out.

♪

Put your boots back on, though.
Put your boots back on.

♪

- Hey, how are you?
- Hi.

- Look at his kicks.
- Yeah, lay it right over there.

How are you today?
- Great.

"All right, I'm gonna
check out your mouth."

I'm gonna check out inside.

So do you have any cavities?

- No.
- Okay, all right.

You know what, actually, um...

Are you wearing pants?

- What's that?
- Are you wearing pants?

I am not wearing pants.

- No?
- "I'm wearing shorts."

Shorts.
- Oh, shorts.

"Boxer shorts."

Murr:
Say it or lose, sal.

Q: Now she's just
staring at him.

And...

I'm done here.

And there it is!

Narrator: Sal got caught
with his pants down,

so he's first up
on the loser board.

Extra! Extra!
Read all about it!

Today we're at bean & bean,
asking strangers to read us

an article that's been written
about us in that fake newspaper.

The catch is, the weird
article's been written

by the other guys.

At the end, we'll ask the person

if that story deserves
to be framed.

If they don't agree that article
belongs on the wall, you lose.

♪

Joe: Oh, q doesn't have
his glasses.

Look, guys.

Excuse me?

I'm in the paper and I don't
have my reading glasses.

- Okay.
- And I can kind of make out

the headline,
but I'm trying to figure it out.

It's that one, "self-proclaimed
vigilante crashes

press conference."

I'm thinking of getting it
framed, but I just want to...

Could you just read it to me?

- Sure.
- Thanks.

Yes.

Sound familiar?

That's me.
It's definitely me.

Yeah. That's the only
part I regret.

Yeah.
Think I should frame that one?

There's no such thing
as bad publicity, right?

I'm gonna go hit
the framing place right now.

Joe: Yeah.
Well done.

The gazette.

Good old 'zette.

The old si gazette.

Excuse me, sir.
I got written up in the paper,

but I don't have
my reading glasses with me,

so all I could read
is the title.

So, it's this article here.

I was wondering
if I should frame it.

It says "coach leads peewee
football team to playoffs."

But that's all I could see.
Do you mind...?

This guy's like
a professional narrator.

That's right.
That's what I said.

Oh, he's so good!
He's so good!

- That doesn't sound very nice.
- No, but that's his nickname.

Yes, he's...
He surprised all of us.

Okay, really charming quotes
that you offered there.

It's like our own Rudy.

Okay.

Okay, this is all
very shocking, but, um...

This is all really shocking.

- Real shocking?
- Yeah.

If you were me, would you frame
that to hang in the house?

No, I wouldn't frame that,

because that messaging
is not very positive.

That's right.
Okay.

- You lost!
- You lost!

I have a headache from that.

Narrator: Breaking news... Joe
is joining sal

on the loser board.

Ah. Beautiful day
for a joker vs. Joker.

It's sal versus murr.

The boys are gonna have
to teach strangers

the basics of camping.
- Naturally,

and we've got to do or say
what everyone tells us.

At the end we'll ask
the students in our class

if anyone learned anything.

Whoever gets the least
amount of hands raised loses.

And he gets the hell out of here

to never be heard
or seen from again.

♪

- Here we go.
- Hi, guys. Hey, welcome.

All right, I'm an outdoor
environmentalist.

I have lived outdoors,
in the wilderness,

for upwards of three years
at a time.

"Well, as you can see today,
I'm a little under-prepared."

Well, as you can see today,
I'm a little under-prepared.

- "Can I be frank?"
- Can I be frank?

- "Everything in the woods..."
- Everything in the woods...

Sal: "Is either trying
to k*ll you..."

is either trying to k*ll you...

"or you."

♪

- "Everything in the woods..."
- Everything in the woods...

Sal: "Is either trying
to k*ll you..."

is either trying to k*ll you...

"or you."

or...

They're either trying
to k*ll you or... You.

"Sometimes you got
to choose."

And sometimes you got to choose.

- "As you can see..."
- As you can see...

"I'm still here."

I'm still here.

All right, "camp fires,
ghost stories, s'mores."

Camp fires,
ghost stories, s'mores.

You can't discuss s'mores
without getting emotional

over the freak accident
that left you infertile.

S'mores, right?

The ingredients of a s'more,
what are they?

Marshmallow, cr*cker, chocolate.

Heat, okay?

Over the heat.

Joe: Get overwhelmed.

When you're making s'mores,
remember the fire gets very hot.

"Long story short,
I'm infertile."

L...

Long story short, I'm infertile.

Look at...

All right.
"You need shelter."

So, you need to
set up shelter, right?

This is actually
an excellent, excellent tent.

Go in it, Murray.
Go in the tent.

I'll show you.

Tell them a little
about the tent, murr.

So you start with putting

the side beams
on and the cross beams.

There's a mesh lining,

protects you from the elements
and is waterproof.

"Privacy."

This is an excellent tent, okay?

You got two different sections
for privacy.

And then just stare at them
in silence through the tent.

Just hold it.
Don't say a word.

Q:

Sink lower so just your eyes
are peeking out.

Go down.
- Right there, right there.

Stop.

That's it, bud.
Look at 'em.

Just tell them you finished.

All right, I'm done.
I finally... I finished.

I finished.

Joe: All right, get them
to raise a hand.

Let's take a vote.

So, anyways, by show of hands,
how many of you think

you've learned
something of value here today?

- Four.
- Four out of five?

That is called surviving.

Joe: All right, sal,
you're up, bud.

Murr: Sal, we decided
to give you one student only.

- Yes.
- Oh, really?

You're gonna get one student,
and if she raises her hand,

it's a tie.

Murray is gonna take a tie.

- We're just gonna do the one.
- Yeah.

So then, it seems like
it's fair,

but we all know it's not.

All right.
Welcome, and my name is sal.

I am a little bit
of an expert on camping,

survival 101-type things.
- Go behind the tent.

There's a chair back there
waiting for you.

Let me just get a chair...
A chair.

Trust me, you'll know it
when you see it, bud.

- Nice and easy.
- There you go.

Joe:
That's your chair there, pal.

- Look at the size of that.
- That's insane.

There's your throne, pal.
Hop in.

Okay.

Sal, start swinging your legs.

Joe: Oh, my god.
Look at him.

The legs look like they're on
somebody else's body.

You know, it looks like
a Halloween costume.

When was the last time
you went camping?

- There you go. In sync.
- Look at that.

Murr:'He looks like a pendulum.

You've never gone out
to a campground?

Let me get a different chair.
- Okay, no problem.

We got one, right?
We got a smaller chair
if you want one, bud.

- Yeah.
- So...

Look at the size difference
between the two.

Joe: Let her know that she's got
to protect her skin.

Let's talk about protection.

- Right.
- So, number one is bugs.

There's billions of them.

All right, calamine lotion on.

Go.
- You know, of course, Cal...

We grew up with it, right?
- Yeah.

You got a mosquito bite,
mom puts it on.

You could put a little bit on.

I mean, I want to see
a lot of lotion.

You just work it in.

We have a portable toilet
there for you.

This is a makeshift toilet.

Folds up, less than 1 pound.

All right, buddy,
now go use the toilet.

That...

I think it's a good moment
to show you.

Now there's a clearing here.
You want to take this.

- Oh, god.
- Here he goes.

Regular state rules and laws
apply in the woods, anywhere.

So, you cannot have any public
display of anything like that.

"You can't just leave
scat anywhere."

You can't just...

You can't just leave scat
everywhere.

Scat.

Go back into the woods, bud.

I have to go in this area here.

♪

Does it look suspicious?

A little bit.

About to wrap it all up.

And then,
while you're there, ask her

to raise a hand
if she's learned anything.

Raise your hand if you feel like
you've learned something today.

Joe: And no one.

- Of course not.
- What did she learn?

That you're absolutely nuts?

You nasty.

Narrator: Sal's no boy scout,
so he's tonight's big loser.

Four jokers, one loser.

We're here
at dix hills golf course

where people are having
just a great day playing golf.

Beautiful.

I don't have to explain this
to you, do I?

Nope. I'm just gonna
ruin people's golf game.

Both: Yeah.
I added two and two.
I got four.

There you go.
You got four?

- Oh.
- And it all comes together.

And that's how it goes.
- Wow!

Swipe.

Beautiful, beautiful day here
at dix hills course, right?

Sun is shining,
birds are chirping.

- Oh, yeah.
- Nothing could ruin this day.

- Uh-oh.
- Oh!

- Here he comes.
- There he is.

The ruiner of fun...
Sal vulcano.

All right, buddy, you ready
to ruin some afternoons?

You just got to mess up
every game.

Look out.
Here comes a ball.

- - That's a shot.
- Oh, there it is.

- Come on, buddy.
- Go play that ball, sal.

Oh, god.

Golf is all about rules
and etiquette, right?

- Yes, these people...
- You don't violate this.

- Traditions.
- And then there's sal

who's coming in to destroy
all of it in one fell swoop.

Sal: I'm so nervous
and I don't know what to do.

I-I hate this.
I hate this a lot right now.

Q: Oh, my god.
Waving at no one.

- Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Hit it!
There we go! There we go!

Murr:
Play that ball, sal.

- Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Hit it!
There we go! There we go!

Sir! Sir!
My friend. Hold it.

This one here is
a top flite, though.

Well...
What, you picked it up?

Oh.

Maybe you need to go over there.

Q: "All right, thank you."
Hit it again.

Thank you. I appreciate it.
I don't know.

I thought you said that
that wasn't your ball.

Well, I...

Man, I am glad this is not me.

Oh, my god.

Murr: Oh.
There's the ball.

Joe: Oh, sal, you can't
park there, pal.

Well, it just came in,
asking you to move.

They're asking you to move
right where that ball landed.

I want you on a business call...
A big merger, buddy.

Bob, I don't have time for this.
I'm on the links.

I say we merge.
I don't care.

I'm sorry, hold on, Bob.
I got to merge.

I'm sorry, I was on a call.
I didn't hear you.

You can't go on the green
with the cart.

I'm sorry?

You can't go on the green
with the cart.

Oh, I'm sorry, I was on a call.
I'm so sorry.

Merge, guys.
Merge the two companies.

I didn't call the meeting.
Did Daniels call the meeting?

Just... just spin in circles.

No.
After today...

After today, the two
companies become one.

Yeah, I don't know.

Well, I have stock options.

I don't know when they mature.

I'm getting nauseous.

All right, sal.
Get out now and be dizzy.

- "Merge! Merge!"
- Merge! Merge!

For the love of god, merge.

Is it merged?

What's the status on the merge?

Just lay down and roll
down the hill.

Did it merge?

Merge.
Merge the two companies.

I told you on Wednesday
I would be on the links.

You knew where I'd be.

Joe: Here we go, sal.
Teeing off.

All right, sal,
grab the bucket of ba*ls

in the back of the cart.

Go dump them
right around their ball.

Q: Oh, that is good.
Here we go. Here we go.

Oh, they're watching you.
They're watching you.

Oh-h*-h*!

Oh!

Hey!

- Hey!
- Play through, please.

Play through.

Joe: Sal, try to hit
at the same time she hits.

Ready?
One...

Oh, good shot.

Thank you so much.
Thank you, guys.

I'm talking about hers.

Oh, yeah, yeah.
Absolutely.

That's why I'm trying my best.

- Sal, hit it.
- Sal, hit it!
- Hit it, sal.

Go!

Sir, I was...
'cause you're right in the way

of the thing there.

- Yeah, 'cause we're playing.
- We're playing here.

- Oh, no, I...
- We're gonna play through.

- So wait until we're...
- Oh, no.

As well. As well. Me, too.
No trouble.

I was... I was also playing.

Oh!

I would've got that in.
I would've got that.

All right.

I would've got that one
in, but...

Oh, my god.

Joe:
Get in there, sal.

Sal: How's your game
going so far today?

- Okay.
- He's teeing two ba*ls.

"I'll take
the closer one."

I could pick up the closer ball
if you want.

I get this one in, and you go
hit that one in right there.

We'll line it up together.
We'll double-team it.

- Oh, you want to take that one?
- Yeah, I'll take that one.

- Yeah, sal!
- I'll get that one.

Sal has joined this guy's
golf game.

Q: He's a charming son
of a b*tch, man.

Sal, you sink this shot,
it's over.

♪

All: Oh!

- Oh, my god!
- Whoa!

Are you kidding me?

Ride off into the sunset,
champion.

I'll teach you everything
I know.

I can't believe it.

Q: Wow.

Here's to a
beautiful friendship.

Can't get any better than this.

I agree.
We're winning it.

♪

Sal got shanked
in tonight's punishment,

and now you get
a behind-the-scenes look

at how it happened, and bonus
footage from tonight's episode.

♪

Murr said he has a fun story
about one of his first jobs.

It's not fun.

Yeah, he said he has
a really fun, light story.

My first job, I used to go
to the golf course

down the block from where
I lived in staten island,

and go to the woods,
collect golf ba*ls

that have been lost, wash them,

Polish them up,
and sell them back

to the golfers on the course.
- Wow.

And it all was going great
that summer.

I made a fair amount of money,
until one day,

I stepped on a hornet nest
that was under the leaves,

in the woods,
and I got stung 27 times,

and they went
all the way up my leg.

It's in my shorts.
- Wow.

And that's why
I'm terrified of bees.

You almost "my girl'd" yourself.

And that is why
I'll never play golf.

Didn't see you, Jeff.

Look at this.
Look at this setup.

This is like some real
"return of the jedi" stuff.

- Yeah, it is. It is.
- Right?

It looks like you guys are,
like, this is the ewok village.

- Sure. Yeah.
- These look like

those, like, speeders.

It does look like a speeder
bike a little bit.

Yeah.

And then we actually have,
like, a rock that'll, like,

if you cut a branch, it'll swing
and hit one of the jokers.

- That's a shot.
- That's a shot.

That's getting
on the green, baby.

- Oh!
- Oh!

Joe:
Oh, sal, it didn't, but you know
what, it probably should have.

Why don't you get out there
and help her?

Yeah.

- Oh, and we are in.
- Hey.

Hit it, hit it, hit it!

Yeah!

What's that?

- "I got that short game."
- I got that short game.

Which hole did you sh**t from?

This is the hole
that's this hole.

Four-fourth hole.

- You're not on this hole.
- Sure, I am.

We're both here, right here.

What is happening?

Why is everybody, like,
driving around in circles?

Wait.
That's my cart.

That's mine.
- Where you going?

You took my cart.

Where is everybody going?

Um, yeah, I think
everyone's going.

Can I jump in with sal?

I'm gonna jump in with sal?

All right, Casey,
enjoy your stuff.

- That's it?
- Let's go, Louise.

All right, Thelma, let's...

This is really sweet.
They're driving off
the cliff together.

Aah!

That's nice.
That's a nice moment.

How do I get back?