07x15 - Washed Up

[bunniefuu]

Narrator: Coming up, why
is Joe making a great escape?

Why is sal feeling snubbed?

Not a single text, Angelina?!

And which losing joker
will get hosed

in tonight's
wet and wild punishment?

Yo, bikini man, don't do that.

Sal:
Prepare for something amazing.

Q: Hey, mustache, what's up?

Murr:
I want my mommy!

Sal:
I will never forgive you!

Joe: Larry!

Q: Boi-oi-oi-oi-oi-oing!

♪

Today, we're
at evil olive pizza,

and one of us will be playing
an employee

while the other is a customer
who robs us blind.

When the "employee"
steps away for a second,

the "customer"
is gonna steal their tips,

make a crazy scene,
and then leave.

When the employee returns,

he'll ask a bystander
what exactly happened.

If you can't get the witness to
reenact the crazy scene exactly,

you lose.

Oh, all right. Excellent.
Sorry, man. I was, uh, on break.

Q is the employee.

Joe is a customer

who's about to steal
from the tip jar when q leaves.

- Hey. How's it going, man?
- Good. How you doing?

What can I help you with?
A plain and a veggie.

All right. Cool.
I'm glad he said "veggies,"

'cause there was something
I wanted to show you.

Here we go.

♪

My, uh... my mistress
needs new gazungas.

Frr-frr-frr-frr!

Oh!

Excuse me!

Oh, wait!
He's going to report you!

What... what just happened?

Long story short,
he took the money...
I heard a commotion.

He took some money
out of the tip jar.

- Oh!
- Guy stands up.

I don't know what's go...
What's wrong with him.

Stands up. He goes, "my mistress
needs some new bazungas."

All right.

And then what'd he do?

Laughs, takes some money
out of the tip jar,

goes on the floor, scoots...

Goes on the floor
and scoops out?

- He scoots a little bit.
- "Show me."

"What do you mean scoots?
What do you mean scoots?"

Hey, let me see.
He scoots?

- Oh, my god!
- Like this.

Oh, my god!

Wow!

And then ran out.

He dragged his own a*s
across the concrete.

Joe: I thought, "what is the one
thing this guy's not gonna do?"

I thought wrong.

You know,
he didn't need to do that.

He didn't need to get his pants
and onto the concrete

and then do it to himself.

You have an attention
for detail.

Those are some details
that are hard to forget.

- Yeah.

Sal: Take the win.

♪

Joe: Sal's up.

Are you being helped, sir?

Can I get
a barbecue chicken hero?

Barbecue chicken hero?
Sure.

Guys, the guy with a beard
wants a barbecue chicken hero.

- Okay, so, sal's left.
- Yep.

So, now, Murray's
got to steal the money.

Q: All right.
There you go.

- There you go, murr.
- All right, murr.

Here he goes.

Put it in his pants.

Son of a...

He pulled down his pants

and ran out with his pants
around his ankles.

Go ahead. Now, sal.

A guy came in.

He was trying to put that
in his pants.

Wanna... wanna watch the tape?

- I'MMA show you.
- Did he get anything?

I don't... I don't think so.
He took this.

When I saw him, I grabbed it,
and I threw it over.

That is specifically
what happened.

Mm-hmm.

That's how you do it, boys.

- I work here.
- I eat here.

Keep it up, kid.

Gonna be a manager
like me someday.

One slice?
You want it heated up?

You know what?
Let me make sure this is the...

He's ready, q.
All right, q.

♪

You know, uh, rooty-toot-toot,
boobies are a hoot,

boi-oi-oi-oi-oing!

Boi-oi-oi-oi-oi-oing!

Sal: Okay, you got it.
Get in there.

Yeah, that pie just...
Oh, what happened?

What was the joke he cracked?

- You can't recall it?
- He can't recall it!

Oh, think about it.

He said,
"boi-oi-oi-oi-oing?"

- Boi-oi-oi-oi-oi-oing.
- Boi-oi-oi-oi-oi-oing.

He got the
"boi-oi-oi-oi-oi-oing."

Did he say anything before
the "boi-oi-oi-oi-oi-oing?"

Oh, yeah. I see...
Oh, he...

- Oh!
- Oh!

That's... that's close enough?

That's not close enough.

"Boi-oi-oi..." there was...
I feel like there might have

probably been something
in the middle there.

What makes you go
"boi-oi-oi-oi-oi-oing?"

Oh, a girl. Yeah, yeah.

What's... what...

Right?
But it wasn't that.

It was something...
Close to that.

Yeah, we're so close.

♪

Another word...

There was another word for it.

It wasn't "t*tties."

They're softly speaking
about t*tties.

What was the most common slang
word for something in this area?

If you remember, I'm here on...

- I'm here on mondays.

Q: There you go, boys.
By one word.

- Wow.
- By one word.

Boobies!

♪

Hi, guys. How are you?

I'll heat these up.

All right.
They just got to heat up.

- Here we go.
- All right. You're up, sal.

♪

So... skippity-doo-dah.
Peanut-butter hoo-hah.

Karate.

Karate.

- Oh!
- Oh-oh! She's got big eyes.

Murr: I'm going back in.

Let's check on these slices.
Here we go. Here we go.

- Oh!
- Oh!

Yeah, it looks like
there's something missing.

Was it... what did he look like?
It was, like, a heavy-set guy?

Like a fat guy? Yeah.

She made a wide gesture.

- She really w...
- Not true.

Did he say anything?

No, he said something.
'Cause he...

He really did say it very slowly
and deliberately to your face.

What did he say?

- I wasn't even listening.
- You wer...

He was looking right at you,
like I'm looking at you.

Oh, she's insulted.

You... you know.
It's in your brain.

It's there.
It was like zip...

Zip...

I mean, zippity-doo-dah.
Peanut-butter hoo-hah.

That's a loss for murr.

Well, I'm out of luck, aren't I?

Narrator:
Joe and murr were robbed,

so they're first up
on the loser board.

Today, we're at
the palisades mall

asking people for
their cellphone numbers

for a chance
to win a $50 gift card.

The catch is,
once we have the phone numbers,

the other guys are gonna be
sending them weird texts

on our behalf.

The goal is to get
into a text conversation

with this contestant,

no matter how odd
the exchange becomes.

The guy who gets the least
amount of responses loses.

- Good?
- Press "send."

♪

Sir, you willing to sign up?

We, um... every 15 minutes,

we pull another name
off the list

and give away a gift card.

We'll send you a text to verify
that you got into the contest.

We got ourselves a pigeon, boys.

His number is 201...

Ready to go.

"It's James!
Good luck in the contest."

He wrote back,
"thanks James."

All right. All right.
That's one.

Ready, boys?

"Be honest,
you a capricorn, right?"

Oh, my god.

"No, I'm a sagittarius,
actually."

All right.
I got a response.

"Gross."

"Gross."

"Gross? Why is that?"

So embarrassing.

Q: "I never met a sagittarius
who wasn't straight up janky."

And then I just wrote,
"my ex, super gross!!"

He's laughing.

Sal: Oh, whoa, whoa.

- "Gross ex?"
- "Gross ex?"

"Not cool if you're dissing
because she's a sagittarius."

You are not turning the screws
like I thought you would.

You've lost your touch.

"She was hot, though.
She made me caprihorny. Lol."

He loved it!
He loved it!

He wrote, "that must be
all sorts of horny."

And then he wrote,
"boi-oi-oi-oing!"

"James, I must ask,
is everything okay?

I'm looking at you,
and you seem antsy

when you ask me
these questions."

This has to just take
a quick turn.

"I should have mentioned...
You are not eligible

if you're
in a text conversation,

so you didn't win."

Oh!

Wh-what happened?

He's, like, irked that
you made him ineligible.

"Wow. What a waste.
Goodbye."

- Oh!
- Oh!

He cut it short after 30 texts.

Unbeatable.

Hey, bud. I don't know
if you're interested.

We're giving away gift cards
in the mall today.

It's a promotion
that the mall's doing.

So, you want to just write
your name and number,

and then I'll...
I'll send you an entry text.

Here we go. Here we go.

All right, Chris.
Good luck, right?

Got it.

He's texting back.
All right. Here we go.

He wrote back,
"thank you."

- All right. Time to get weird.
- Let's do it.

Q, we just wrote him back,
"you want duck pics?"

"Duck."

Look at the confusion
on his face. Look...

He just read it
and put his phone down.

Oh, come on!

Well, now what's
going through his mind is,

"I'm wearing camouflage.
Does he think I'm a hunter?

- Is he talking about ducks?"
- Yeah. Yeah.

"Was it a typo? Was he talking
about dicks or?"

Or real ducks?
Nobody knows.

I wrote back,

"lol. Just realized
you might think that's a typo.

It's not. I mean duck pics
'cause you look like a hunter.

Not d*ck pics or pics.
d*ck pics, lol."

Now he knows something's up.

He's staring at you like
he might want to sh**t you.

Really?

- Ah!
- Ah!

"Definitely ranks up there

as one of the oddest texts
I've gotten. Haha."

Joe: I sent a picture of a duck,
and then I wrote,

"that's me soft."

Oh, oh.
It wouldn't go through.

It won't go through!

He blocked my number?

The exclamation point
is coming back.

- It's not going through now.
- I think he blocked your number.

He blocked it.
He blocked me.

Now there he is.

Hey, guys. I don't know
if you heard me tell them,

but if you're in the food court,
we're giving away a gift card.

All you do is put
your name and number.

Oh, okay.
There you go.

Oh, okay.
All right. Thank you.

- Angelina, right?
- Yes.

Okay. Okay.
Thank you, guys.

All right. Ready, sal?

"You've officially been entered
into the contest. Good luck!"

Uh, she just saw the text.

Joe:
She did not write back.

Q: She's taking selfies.

Sal: Yeah, she...
She was doing that for...

To the 5 to 10 minutes
before I even walked up to her.

Now let's turn the screws.

We just texted,
"how's the selfie game? Strong?"

- Don't look. Don't look.
- No response.

She's not even responding
to this?

Can I borrow that?

Joe gatto's on the case.

I don't like the sound of that.

When gatto moves like that,
that means he's serious.

What are you doing?

♪

♪

Q: She's taking selfies.

She's not even responding
to this?

Can I borrow that?

Joe gatto's on the case.

I don't like the sound of that.

When gatto moves like that,
that means he's serious.

Take a selfie.
We're gonna send it to her.

Q: Look at these
two secret agents over here.

Perfect.

Q: She is still
taking selfies.

She's all in on...
On the culture

of self... selfie culture.

All right.
So, there you go.

- That's perfect.
- That's good, right?

That's good.
All right. Send.

She's looking at you
like you're a maniac.

She still has not answered me.

I think we're done, right?
Time's up.
Oh. Aaah.

Basically, what I did was,
I came down the escalator,

I stood here, and from
no control of my own, I lost.

I had no control.

So it's like your life.

Not a single text, Angelina?!

Not a single text?!

- No.

They're doing a giveaway.

It's a $50 gift card
while you're eating your lunch.

What's your, uh,
cellphone number?

Here we go.

Ed. Great, ed.
Great. Good luck to you.

- Doesn't ed look fun?
- Yeah, he does.

He looks like
a good time Charlie.

- Yeah, that's correct.
- Yeah.

Murr:
"You've been officially entered
into the contest. Good luck!"

Ed didn't get back to you.
We're gonna fire one off to him.

"Ed, this is Joe.

Do I sense
a fellow potato eater?"

- He definitely is reading it.
- Unh-unh-unh.

Sal: He just shot you a look,
and then now he's making a face.

"Yup."

That's one, Joe.

So, I already beat sal?
Can I come up?

He did beat you.

No, but you l... you get
the most, and the rest lose.

Let's see.
Let's see this through.

"Why do potatoes
make good detectives?

Because they keep
their eyes peeled."

Murr: It's so stupid.

Did you search
"bad potato joke"?

- He laughed. He laughed.
- He actually likes that joke.

- Ah!
- He put it away!

- He put it away.
- God damn it, ed.

- - Q: "Ed? Da?
- You won that!

Put down the obits
and come claimz it."

- -Oh!
- -There we go.

Look, guys, that's poor taste.

I'm just gonna go
give him this gift card.

- All right.
- All right.

Da ed?

You won, bud.

Yeah, you won...
You won the gift card.

Put down the obits and enjoy it.
Here you go, pal.

Narrator:
That one response couldn't save
Joe from losing this episode.

He's tonight's big loser.

- Whoo-hoo!
- Ha ha!

Joe lost, so we are here

at a busy shopping Plaza
parking lot

for Joe's punishment.

Joe, today's a good one.

You're gonna be
helping people today.

Aw.
That's good.
I like helping people.

Yeah, whether they
want you to or not.

That I don't like.

All right, so when people
get out of their car

and go into the store,

you are going to start
washing their car.

They come back out
to find you doing that,

and then all hell breaks lose?

Yes. Nobody's
gonna like that.

Nobody's gonna like a stranger
scrubbing their car.

Right. Of course.

That's why we conceived
the idea,

and that's why you're doing it.

That's why it's a punishment.
That's why I lost.
Yeah.

Murr:
Lookit.

It's already too hot.

Joe, I don't know if I've ever
seen you less enthused.

It is 104 degrees out.

You tell me how you think
my body's doing.

What do you think my ba*ls
are like right now?

I mean, you got
cleaning products.

Q: Oh, look at that.
A pickup truck coming on in.

Lots of surface area, buddy.
Lots of surface area.

You're gonna have to race.

Your punishment finishes
when you clean an entire car.

♪

Oh, he's... he's watching you.
He's watching you.

What's that guy doing?
Oh! What are you doing?

I'm washing your car.

Don't wash it.
Leave it alone.

I already started.

Murr: Oh!

- Oh, oh, oh!
- Oh, yeah.

He's like,
"I don't know what-a you doin'"

I'm being very thorough.

Now, Joe, you can't stop
until 100% of that car is clean.

Q: He's not gonna get this.

You guys forget I'm Italian
from staten island.

You know how many cars I washed?

- Oh!
- Yes!

- Here he comes!
- Oh!

You're welcome, buddy.

My pleasure to do it.
It's a nice mobile.

What is this, a tonka?

I'll just need about
10 more minutes.

Q: Oh, you're never gonna
make this, dude.

I mean, you're not even
at 30% of that vehicle.

You're never gonna make it.

Joe, hit that window by his face
with the water, like, for a...

For a couple seconds.

He's

"you're welcome."

You're welcome.

- Oh!
- Oh!

Q: You didn't get the roof.

And you didn't get the back cab.

I didn't get...
I didn't get all of it, though.

It's hot.
It's like 100 degrees out here.

We knew it was gonna be
a scorcher today.

So, that's why you picked today?
So I'd sweat my face off?

Correct.
But we're also your friends.
Yeah.

- Yeah, we love you.
- We don't want to k*ll you.

- Why don't want you to overheat.
- Nah.

Could be dangerous
in the summer.

You want to strip down,
probably.

- -Oh, my god.
- Yes!

- I did not...
- Yes!

This has backfired, officially.

Hold on.
There's a car.

All right.
All right, all right.

That looks even weirder!

You're... you're hiding
in that one shadow.

Was that a mic pack in his a*s?

What is that?

It's my I got an outie.

♪

Q: Oh, yeah. Now it's a hot,
spicy bikini car wash.

I feel like a complete

10 bucks!
Get your car washed.

I got to put a kid
through college.

Hey, Joe, anything you want
to say to your son, remo,

who's watching this 20 years
in the future with his friends?

Remo, how about
no student loans?

How's that feel?
How's that treating you, remo?

I'm out here washing
a car in a bikini

so you can get the new Xbox 860.

- Oh!
- Oh, she's getting alterations.

You might be in luck.
She's getting alterations.

Dude, you could clean this

before she even knows
you're there.

Oh, thank god.

This could work.

Uh-oh.
She's come out.

I'm almost there, boys.

- Wow.
- Wow.

Hey, don't do that!
Don't do that!

Yo, bikini man!
Don't do that!

I'm almost there, boys.

- Wow.
- Wow!

Hey, don't do that.
Don't do that.

Yo, bikini man, don't do that!

Uh, you're all squared.
I'm all done, babe.

Why would you do that?

Clean it up for you.
Good samaritan.

- Pay it forward.
- Okay.

- Just pay it forward.
- Okay.

You're a sweetheart.
What was your name?

- Gayle.
- Gayle?

I've been Joe gatto.
Nice to see you.

All right, boys.
There you go. I'm all done.

- Wow!
- Wow, Joey.

- Good job, Joey.
- What about the interior?

You're back
at square one, buddy.

♪

You want me to clean that?

I saw you looking. I can just
wash it while you're waiting.

I didn't know...

Q: "Saw you
checking out the goods."

I saw you checking out
the goods. I figured...

No, it's free.
It's community service.

"I got five years of it."

I got to do this
for about five years.

We'll be straight.

You been off-roading?

Nice car.

I got to say,
I find it kind of heartwarming

how everybody's kind of
just accepted him.

- You know what I mean?
- Yes, yes, yes.

Not mentioning,
"why you in a bikini?"

Yeah, like, nobody's really,
like, coming down on him

'cause of it.

- Oh! Oh!
- Uh!

Oh, good. You got out. Let me
get at the interior real quick.

- Oh!
- He said no! He said no!

Joe, you got to get the inside.

- If he gets in...
- Oh!

If he gets in...

I'll just get the rug
for you real quick.

- Oh!
- Oh!

Uh, here's the hose.

There you go.

He's video...
He's videotaping you.

Oh, you're videoing me?
That's kind of weird.

♪

- Joey.
- a*s up. a*s up.

Start twerking.
Start twerking.

Look at him!
Look at him!

Pop that real quick.

Pop that, honey.

"Honey."

"Honey!"

Murr:
Joe, twerk, twerk.

It's grotesque.

Oh, my god.

It's gro...

That...
That looks like that's it.

- Oh!
- There you go!

Wow!
Wow!

Good job, Joey.

What are you doing?!

- You're welcome.
- Oh, my god.

♪

All right. Joe got hosed
in tonight's punishment,

and now you get
a behind-the-scenes look

and bonus footage
from tonight's episode.

Go. Watch it.
Take a look, boys.

It's all for free.

Sal: This is one
of those things

where we'll put Joe
in the situation

and sit back and laugh.
Yeah.

So, that's what
we're hoping for today.

- I mean, Joe in a bikini.
- Yeah.

I mean,
I see it all the time.
Of course, of course.

But, you know,
the viewers don't.

That's true.
Yeah.

And it's 95 degrees today.

- Which is good for him.
- Water?

He's gonna get some tanned buns.

And I don't mean honey buns
from inside the bakery.

I mean his and a*s.

I just want to laugh.

That's true.
That's the Joe...

So I don't care
whether Joe suffers.

'Cause you're in pleasure.

- I'm with you.
- What, am I overthinking this?

No. No.
No!

Definitely not.

- All right. Here we go.
- I should have stretched.

Oh, I know.
That's the beauty of it.

You didn't have to ask.

Oh, I should have
drove my car in.

- Oh, that's hysterical.
- That's what I should do.

Look at him.
It's so methodical.

I just got to hose it
real quick.

You just stay right there.
No, no, no, no.

I got a hose set up.
Are you sure?

Murr: Joe, you missed
half the windshield,

and you did not get
the interior of the car.

We have a bikini for you
to get into right now.

Get those b cups in there.

Yeah, they were a c.
I lost some weight.

This is a halftime
during the punishment.

And, uh, he's about
to get changed into a bikini.

We're waiting for Joe
to get this bikini on.

Since we're in the basement,
no a.C. And no Internet.

We've become so accustomed
to these amenities.

- -Whoa, dude.
- Yes!

Q: This has backfired,
officially.

Speaking of backfired...

Joe, you're a brave man.

This is the situation now.
I have to... I have to hide.

I-I can't be standing here
when people come out.

That's right.

He can't stand there no more
to begin with.

If you just see this
at face value,

this looks like a life
gone wrong, right?
Yeah.

He's just hiding in the
shadows of an alleyway...
Yeah.

In a bikini, like,
staring at people.

Nothing seems right about it.

- There you go.
- Just gonna...

Do you want me just to wash it?
I'm just gonna wash it.

- I like this...
- He's driving away.

- Do you want me to...
- He's driving away.

Yeah,
I can just do a quick wash.

You're backing up over here?

- You look like a zombie.
- He moved the car.

How much do I owe you,
seriously?

It's 20 bucks.

I have a $10.
$10 works fine.

10 bucks would be great, though.

Yeah, all right.
I'm sorry.

No, don't worry about it.
That's fine.

You should put a sign up, then,

that you're having
a car wash here.

Oh, no.
Not the sign up in the thing?

- $10. Thank you.
- I didn't see it.

They didn't have...
I thought they had a sign up.

He puts it in his...
He puts it in his titty.

Supposed to be
a full moon tonight.

- Oh, my god.
- So be careful.

There's a lot of crazies
out there.

Joe, the punishment's over.
Go home!

Now that Joe has finished,
he reaps the rewards.

I did good.

♪

Evil olive.

- What are you holding up?
- A stapler.

You know why they call it
evil olive, right?

Oh, it's backward?
Evi...

It's the onomatopoeia.

There's no "o" in "evil."
It's a h*m*.

- But the "o" connects the two.
- Got it.

You use it on the flip side
and on the back side. Got it.

That's a parking garage on 34th.

It's a palisades parkway.
It's a hippodrome.

It's like an adverb.

Oh, that's it.
Adverb.

- Yeah, like soppressata.
- Sop... no, that's a...

It goes this way.
Palindrome.

Palindrome.

- No, that's not it.
- No, that's wrong.

- That's... that's 100% wrong.
- Yeah.