07x13 - The Running of the Bullies

[bunniefuu]

Narrator: Coming up, what's got
sal serving up some specials?

And, next, we have stunned...
But still alive... wallaby.

Why is Joe on the prowl?

And which losing joker will be
totally uncool at the pool

in tonight's big punishment?

Sal:
Prepare for something amazing.

Q: Hey, mustache, what's up?

Murr:
I want my mommy!

Sal:
I will never forgive you!

Joe: Larry!

Sal: You've never had
the zaza bean at cocobamba's?

Today, we're playing waiters

at the world-famous
delmonico's restaurant.

We'll have to approach tables

and offer them
the specials of the day.

The catch is, these strange,
unappetizing specials

have been written
by the other guys.

If you cannot get someone

to order one of your specials,

you lose.

♪

- Here we go.
- Joe gatto.

Good afternoon, ladies.
How are you?

- Good. Thank you.
- Good. Welcome to delmonico's.

So, we actually have some
additional specials today...

Part of restaurant week.
Okay.

So, the first
is crab cake newberg

with a cauliflower crust.

Then, we have a...
Well, there you go.

Uh, it's a meatless pig a*s

reduced in caramelized cherries.

A meatless.

- Pig.
- Pig?

Yeah, it's meatless pig a*s
is what it's called.

- Oh, okay.
- Yeah.

But it's a caramelized cherry.

- Okay.
- Okay.

Okay. Then we have
a g*y lentil salad.

Murr:
A g*y lentil salad!

Joe: Very nice,
very miniature lentil.

It's got a little bit of paprika
and chopped-up celery.

A g*y lentil salad.

What makes a salad g*y?

The next one is a double rack
of ribs from twin sister lambs.

- Okay.
- So, that's more to share.

The next one we have
is a crucified starfish

in a bottomless pit.

So, the starfish
is just stretched out.

Okay.
"Biblically style."

Biblically style, though,

so you have the little,
like, toothpicks

to stretch her out nice.

So, gobble, gobble.

We have whole...
A throat-slit whole Turkey.

So, we slit the throat.
There's a Turkey.

It's served for the whole table.

Gobble, gobble on that.

So, do any of those
sound interesting to you,

or you guys gonna stick
with the regular menu?

I'm stick with the regular menu.

You're gonna stick
with the regular menu?

I'm gonna do the baby iceberg,

but not the bacon.

So, that's the g*y lentil salad
without bacon?

- No, no. The baby iceberg.

- Nice try, buddy. Nice try.
- Thank you. Gobble, gobble.

Hi, everybody.
Welcome to delmonico's.

We have a couple specials
for restaurant week.

Do you mind if I run them
by you real quick?

You're gonna love them.
Okay.

So, first, we have
a baby iceberg wedge salad...

Delicious.

Second, we have an Atlantic
milk lord in a murky pouf.

The next thing we have is
a calamari juice cup for two.

It's big enough
for two to enjoy,

so you can split that
among two of you

or order multiple ones
for the whole table.

Next, we have
an uncut pride of the bull.

Pride of the bull!
My god.

We also have beef
in a chihuahua shape.

That is beef actually cut
in the shape of a chihuahua.

Put it in a nice... a nice...

He can't think of anything
to explain it.

And, then, finally,
we have a pan-fried...

Pan-fried ocean rat
with cabbage smash.

So, again, we have the,
you know, the salad.

We have the milk lord
with murky pouf,

the calamari juice cup for two,

the uncut pride of the bull,
beef in a chihuahua shape,

and pan-fried ocean rat
with cabbage smash.

What can I get you?

The chihuahua?

Get the out of here.

Joe: These people,
and this guy.

Albert, one beef cut
in the shape of a chihuahua,

four ounces.

We'll get right on that, sir.
Coming right up.

Hello, guys.
How are you?

So, let me read you guys
some specials.
Murr: Here we go.

Tell me which ones
you guys like the best.

Okay, so, we have
a baby iceberg wedge salad...

Gonna be with
Jasper hill blue cheese.

The next special is
a bone-in Spanish daughter,

and that's in
a Manchester curry on it.
Okay.

Next, we have
an oversized carafe...

Of warm and brown.

So, what you're
gonna have there is...

Not a half carafe,
it's gonna be a full carafe...

That's four or five servings,

and that's gonna be
loaded to the top

with some piping-hot
warm and brown.

Yeah.

Next is underfed sheep kickers.

Underfed, yeah.

Underfed sheep kickers
in a red cheese fiasco.

Fiasco.

The only really word
you need to know is "fiasco."

- Yes, yes.
- Yeah.

And next, we have stunned...
But still alive... wallaby.

This is made to order,
so it's gonna...

45 minutes' advanced notice,

and we a...

- A wallaby!
- A wallaby!

We get a wallaby in the back,

and then they stun it real good.

And it's... it's...
But it still comes...

It just comes out
not knowing where it is.

That's...

The last one here
is eggplant shits.

So, basically, eggplant
served 10 different ways.

So, we fry it, we grill it,
we have it raw,

we also coat it in a fondue.

So, we call it "eggplant shits"

'cause it's just
a bunch of sh*t.

No specials for you.

You don't want any of those
specials? You want a salad?

Gentlemen, hello.
Welcome to delmonico's.

Is this your
first time here?
Yes.

Oh, really?
Okay, excellent.

Well, you're in for a treat.

We've got some specials today
that are magnifique,

as they say in...

- France.
- France.

Yes, thank you.
Joe: Here we go.

For instance, we have a...
Like, a chicken tartare.

Chicken tartare?

So, salmonella on a plate?

We have chicken with,
like, "tartar" sauce around it.

- Oh, nice.
- Yeah.

And... and we boil it
in tartar sauce.

- Not tartar... tartare!
- Oh, okay.

I was like,
"raw chicken?"
No!

- Yeah, yeah, yeah. It is.
- Yeah, it is.

Yeah.

Is that what "tartare" means?
All right.

It's uncooked chicken.

Okay.
We'll skip that one.

Also, today, we have a...

Q: We got
some specials today.

This is a special.
This is, um...

Um.

W-We have a, uh...

We have lamb k*lled by fire
today...

Lamb completely
slaughtered by fire.

We take it, we lead it
into a chamber,

and... and we burn it as is.

Murr:
Look at his face!

So, you burned a lamb?

Oh, yeah, k*lled by fire.

This way, we taste the fear.

- Oh, my god.
- Are you serious?

Yes. That's why we need
a little time,

'cause we like to get
all the wool off.

Also, today, we have manhandled
jowls of curious origin.

- Oh, wow.
- Yes.

Is that a pork?

Well, it's a curious origin.
We're not quite sure.

- The origin?
- Yes.

This is a special.

This is a Mercury-fortified
sturgeon

in a blowfish lasagna.

Blowfish lasagna?

We wait until the blowfish
is expanded before we cut it up

and put it in the lasagna.

I'm not a big blowfish person.

And then, finally, the last one

that we have today is, um...

Face.

Face?

- What's face?
- What is face?

It's just the face of the day.

Could I interest you
in something for the table,

one of those for the table?

The lamb k*lled by fire.

All: Ohh!

The lamb k*lled by fire!

Okay.
I'll also take the lamb.

- Two.
- Ah!

What the
is the matter with you people?

Okay. Let me go fire up
the lamb-fire chamber,

and I'll be right back to get
the rest of your order.

- Oh!
- Yeah, q!

Narrator: This was no
piece of cake for sal and Joe,

so they're first up
on the loser board.

Today, we're at
the prop house propnspoon,

teaming up to help tidy up
the place and take inventory.

While working alongside
other cleaners,

we're gonna have to do and say

whatever the other guys
tell us to.

If you refuse to do
or say anything, you lose,

and me and the missus
don't intend on losing.

You and sal?

♪

So, this is
a giant warehouse of props.

We've been "hired"
along with real people

to clean the warehouse.

What's up, man?
How are you?

- "I'm jerk-off Joe."
- I'm jerk-off Joe.

Brian.
Brian. Good to see you.

Oh, my name's Brian, too, bro.
How's it going?

Joe, just sink behind the bar.

Start moaning.
Become jerk-off Joe.

Awesome props
and stuff in there.

H-Hit the top of the bar
a little bit

from underneath, you know?

It's like...
It's pretty awesome.

Just dust.

"I'm gonna dust
all over this place."

I'm gonna dust all over
this mother

he did... he did tell us
his name was jerk-off Joe.

Okay, q, now,
just very nonchalantly

start cleaning everything
that he's cleaning.

That's pretty cool.

Williamsburg's
a pretty good town,

and these cities are gonna
become like a, uh...

The city's just like...
The city's...

Like, the city's just gonna
become, like, a madhouse...

after that, too,
so it's gonna be great.

Y-You... because everybody's
drunk, everybody's out,

like, running around,
having a good time.

Here you go, bud.

Yeah, it's New York City, man.

It's... it's like, it's...

♪

Murr: It looks like
you're about to m*rder him.

What are you doing?

Joe, sneak up behind him
like you're gonna strangle him.

♪

♪

Murr: It looks like
you're about to m*rder him.

What are you doing?

Joe, sneak up behind him like
you're gonna strangle him.

-Joe.

♪

How many candlesticks
did you get?

Guys, this is
the game "clue."

You're trying to k*ll him
with the props in the room.

Uh-oh. Here comes q
with the candlestick.

Here he comes!

♪

♪

All right, Joe.
You're up.

Where's the lead pipe?

Ah, no,
it was in the conservatory.

That was it.

Joe: Let's see you two.

Q: Congratulations
on dressing appropriately

for a cleaning job, boys.

Oh, you got your hair all...

You look like you're
going on a first date.

- Yeah.
- Hi.

Murr, you're gonna want
to put some stank on it.

Yeah.

Murr: You know, one thing
the boss told me earlier...

I don't know if you've been
noticing, but when I dust,

I've been putting
a little stank on it.

Maybe when we stack these,

we should put
a little stank on it, too.

Just a little bit more,
you know?

Sal, chime in.

What have you stanked?

I stanked that, I stanked that,

I also stanked
this coffee table,

and I haven't...

Stank.

Stank.

Murr, uh, start coughing
a little bit,

'cause I want you to have
lost your inhaler.

Oh, the dust in here.

Has... has anybody seen
my, um... my inhaler?

- You know an inhaler?

You know, you breathe...
- No, I haven't, no.

Murr, just go look for it.

Sal, you hid it on him.

You think it's hysterical.

It's got to be here. If you see
an inhaler, let me know.

Thank you.

I don't know where I put it.

I have the inhaler.
Shh!

Q: Every time Murray coughs,
he thinks it's hysterical.

Murr, light cough.

That's a light cough?

Sorry, I hiccuped.

Can he do anything subtly,
please?

If you see it, it's, like...
You know, it has, like,

a little metal cylinder
on the end.

Let me look around for it.

Thank you.
Appreciate it.

Hey, sal, has murr ever had
the zaza bean at cocobambies?

You guys ever go
to cocobamba's?
Yeah.

You ever been to cocobamba's?

- Cocobanda's?
- "Best zaza bean."

They have a zaza bean there,
it's unbelievable.

Oh, my god. Now you got me
thinking about zaza beans.

You guys cannot believe
she's never had

the zaza bean at cocobamba's.

Wait a minute. You've never had
the zaza bean at cocobamba's?

- Oh, my god, it's to die for.
- Oh, god.

How long have you lived
in New York?

- Oh!
- Oh, my god!

You've never had a zaza bean
at cocobamba's?!

No, it's not even like that.
You got to try it.

When I moved to New York,
this was the first thing I did.

I can't believe that.

Do you like salty foods?

Do you like sweet foods?

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

"It's on the upper lower."

- Oh.
- It's... it's...

It's on the upper lower.
You know...
Yeah.

And ask if Guillermo del toro
could make it for you,

'cause he makes
a hell of a zaza bean.

Ask when you're there if
Guillermo del toro can make...

- Thank you.
- Yeah, yeah.

There you go, rookie.

You want to get them?
You want to get them right now?

Yeah.

- Hey, sal.
- Yeah?

"Hey, do you guys mind if I play
a little black rap music?"

W-What?

Hey, do you know what would
be great? Some music.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
No, no, no, no, no, no.

Do you know what'd
go great right now?

No, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no.

I prefer working in silence.

I didn't say anything yet.

I know what you're gonna say.

Salsa, I can listen to.

- I think a little bit of bl...
- No music!

Narrator: Murr and sal couldn't
clean up their act,

making sal tonight's big loser.

- Yes, yes! Yes!
- Sal has lost the episode,

so we've brought him
to the cresskill swim club.

Today, what you're gonna do
is empty that pool,

you're gonna kick all the kids
out for being bullies.

Whether they're bullying or not.

"You know how I am
about bullying.

I don't like bullying.
Everybody, out of the pool."

So I'm the bully.
Yes.

Doesn't matter what they say,

doesn't matter
what their parents say.

Get 'em out.

This might be
the first day in my life

that I don't have fun in a pool.

Joe: Everyone at the pool
is now safe.

Sal vulcano's
officially on duty.

All lives are being guarded
right now.

This pool is unbelievable.

I want it all to myself.

Well, you will pretty soon.

- There goes a splash.
- There's a splash.

Guys, I... honestly,
I don't know.

Q: Here we go.

Excuse me. Can I talk to you
for a second?

Can I talk to you guys
for a second, please?

Oh, boy, here we go.

I just, uh... I just
noticed the bullying.

You can't bully.
Okay, guys?

- What?
- What?

"Five minutes.
Five minutes."

I, uh, am gonna need you to take
a seat for five minutes, okay?

Just five minutes, okay?
Thanks, guys.

Ohh.

He's gonna go tell
his parents, probably.

Yeah, that's the whole idea.

That's what we're hoping for.

Sal: This is tough.

- Uh-oh.
- Oh, the moms are looking.

Talk to this kid
as he's walking.

Excuse me, excuse me.

Who are you with over here?

Are you with anyone over here?

- No.
- Okay.

What's your name?

- Colin.
- Colin?

"I'm gonna need you to sit down
for five minutes."

Colin, I'm gonna need you
to sit down for five minutes

for the bullying, okay?
Just five, buddy.

Q: "Do you want 10?
Oh, you want 10 minutes?"

Do you want 10 minutes?

- No.
- Okay.

Joe: Word is spreading that
this lifeguard is not liked.

Sal, the punishment ends
when the pool is empty.

Okay.
Jesus Christ.

- Everyone's a bully, sal.
- Yeah, yeah.

Sal, this kid on the slide,
when he comes through,

blow the whistle right at him.

Get him out of that pool.

Jesus Christ.

- He did nothing!
- I know.

Well, maybe they did something.

Let's go. Come out.
I need you to come out, buddy.

What the hell was that?

"You showing off, trying to make
everybody feel bad?"

Trying to make everybody
feel bad about themselves?

Classic bully technique.

Who's talking to you?
h*, h*.

Come here.
Who's talking to you?

- "No."
- no.

"He wasn't.
You're out for five minutes."

You don't talk to someone
unless they want you to speak,

then that's bullying.

Go sit over there, please,
on the bench for five.

Bullying.

Five.

Everything all right?

- "Okay, five minutes."
- All right, you know what?

Five minutes.
Five minutes on the bench.

You can't bully people.

Uh, uh, uh, uh!

Because people
are bullying people,

and I cannot stand for that.

- Oh!
- Oh!

Q: "I'm pulling bullies
out of the pool."

I'm pulling bullies
out of the pool for a reason.

So says you.

This kid's throwing somebody
on the right, right?

Wait, wait, wait.
Where? Where?

Yeah.

Q: I mean, that... that's
bullying right there.

You see that?

Okay, that's it.

I need you to come out
of the pool one second.

- Ohh!
- Ohh!

- There you go.
- Hey, buddy.

I can't have you bullying people
like that and throwing people.

I can't have it.

"Out. Out now."

Do me a favor.

Just come out of the pool
for five minutes, please.

Okay.

All right.
Appreciate it.

- Uh-oh.
- Oh, here we go.

Ohh!
- Oh, god!

♪

- This kid's throwing somebody.
- Get him out of that pool.

Just come here one second.

Do me a favor.

Just come out of the pool
for five minutes, please.

Okay.

- Ohh!
- Oh, god!

Appreciate it.

- Uh-oh.
- Oh, here we go.

Uh, I just didn't want him
to bully anybody,

so I took him out of the pool
for a few minutes.

Did you ask?
- Yeah.

- Is that your brother?
- Yeah.

"Well, he'll be back
in five minutes."

I'll let him back in in five.

Well, I just... he can't
bully children, that's all.

- "All right, five minutes."
- "Five minutes, he'll back in."

All right, so, then,
five minutes, and we're good.

I interpreted it as a bully,

so I just got to give
at least a five.

Right.

"Ma'am,
I'm feeling bullied."

I'm...

Make her sit for five minutes.

I'm sort of feeling bullied
a little bit right now.

I'm gonna have
to get you out for five.

- Ohh!
- Ohh!

For five minutes.

Oh-h*!

But these kids are here
and someone else throws them

and they don't want to be
thrown, I got to know, you know,

just so... just so
I take care of your kids.

Only 'cause I...

"it's only another two-and-
a-half minutes at this point."

I mean, at this point,

it's only
two-and-a-half minutes.

You have time served,
so... Yeah.

- Ah!
- Ohh!

Let's go.

I only... it's only
for their protection, really.

Joe: Blow the whistle
at her.

- I'm not understanding what's happening.

It's the bully whistle.

I-I-I can't do this anymore,
guys.

You got to let me go.

You got to let me go.
This isn't...

Sal, bullying is a disease.

This whole pool, apparently,
has caught the disease.

You have to clear
the whole pool.

- Clear.
- That's it.

No, I really...

I really got to stop this.

Everything's bullying, sal.

Everybody out
if you're gonna bully!

Come on, please, get out.

Please, come here.
Let's go.

I can't do it.
I cannot do it. Come here.

Here, right here.
Right here.

Come on, please.

I'm up to here, guys.
I'm up to here.

I'm up to g*dd*mn here,
all right? Come on.

Sal is ruining summer.

Five. Five. Five. Five.

Guys, five.
Guys, right here. Sit.

Q: Get them out!

There's still people
in the pool.

Guys, over here.
Murr: Get them out,
the whole pool.

Out!

Everybody out!
Five minutes.

If I hear any lip, it's 10!

Look at this.
Look at all these kids.

Q: Look at it.
He's cleared the whole thing.

- That's it.
- He did it.

You officially ruined summer,
buddy.

I'm gonna pass out.

- Ohh!
- Ohh!

- Well done, guys.
- Well, there we go.

Let's go swimming, boys.

♪

Ooh, nobody could rescue sal
from this punishment,

and now you get a
behind-the-scenes look
of how it happened,

plus bonus footage
from tonight's episode.

Dive in.

This punishment came from...
You guys were on vacation,

and you guys were like,
"what if?"

Yeah.
We were touring,

and in one of the hotel pools,

we were sitting there,
and a kid...

A parent yelled at another kid
that wasn't his kid

for bullying,
and we're like, "oh, god.

That feels so weird.
That feels so weird."

And I was like,
"what if we had to do that?"

And then sal lost.

Anybody being bullied?

Damn right.

Q: Oh, those kids look like
they're having fun,

which, to me,
means they're bullies.

- Yes, get them out.
- Is anyone being bullied here?

Yes, me.

- Do you feel bullied?
- Yes.

"All right,
you're all out for five."

You're all out for five minutes.

Come on. You got to go
sit on the bench.

Murr: Oh, my god.

- Blow the whistle.
- Can't get in.

They're arguing now
about who's bullying.

This is great.

You've had a lot
of aquatic punishments.

You've jumped out of a
helicopter into a body of water.

- That's right.
- You went underwater

and took photos of people
in their bathing suits.

That's also correct.
You jumped off the q falls...

- That's right.
- Into water.

I drank the water.

You drank... well, wait,
that wasn't a punishment.

I got to throw up immediately
after that.

- Really?
- Immediately.

Oh, my god.

♪

"Refuse to lose."

Sal, we got you a nice seat
up there. There you go.

That's the show.

It's like breathing soup.

It's so humid
in this room right now.

So, we're in the middle
of a heat wave

here on the east coast.

- It's 102 degrees here.
- Yeah.

Is this punishment for me?
Did you guys do this to me?

I feel like we're trying
to sell a... Ring.

Look at my shirt.

That's sweat?

- Sweat, look at it.
- Oh, my god.

If you look like that, imagine
what my crotch looks like.

Okay, give me a minute here.

I got to do this for my job,

and I'll let you guys back in
in a minute.

Just give me a minute.

Who? Who?

- Her.
- Come here, you little...

Joe: Get the girl,
get the...

♪

I had authority,
and then, just sudden,

it disappeared
in front of my eyes.

Who's bullying who over here?
Somebody's bullying?

He's joking?
Yeah.

So you're not
bullying him.
No.

- You wouldn't do that.
- No.

And you wouldn't
lie to me.
No.

- And is she your friend?
- Yes.

And is she bullying you?

Just blink if she's
bullying you so you can...

- Okay.
- You're blinking.

- Yeah.
- So she's bullying you?

Okay, and if she's bullying you,
just blink.

- Okay.
- Okay, so, you just blinked.

So, is she
bullying you?
No.

I'm just letting you know

that if she tries to
bully you, just blink.

You just blinked,
so is she bullying you?

- No.
- She bullying you?

No.
But you just told me
she's bullying you.

Oh, you can't not blink.

♪

Murr, as you're
standing there talking,

try to intertwine
your belts for me.

Keep having the discussion
and intertwine your belts.

I-I don't think you that you
have put nearly enough stank

on the things
that they asked us to.

I don't think that you did.
- I did.

Well, I have... I've been
making a stank log...

You have a stank...

She is working so hard,

and these two idiots are
playing around with their belts.

You have a three stank.

Sal, you got to
give him your belt.

Ow! So, 24...
Now, this is over.

This is done now.

It's just putting
these two together.