07x07 - Lords of the Ring

[bunniefuu]

Narrator: Coming up... Why is sal
sizzling up some gristle?

I've been grilling meats over
here for the past half-hour.

What's got murr shoplifting?

And which losing jokers
will be making tough calls

in tonight's heated
double punishment?

All: Ah!

Sal: Prepare for
something amazing.

Q: Hey, mustache, what's up?

Murr: I want my mommy!

Sal: I will never forgive you!

Joe: Larry!

Murr:
You don't have an umbrella!

Today, we're working
as receptionists

at the "law firm"
of cossio & Dominick.

While working behind the desk,
we've got to do

and say what
the other fellas tell us.

And if you refuse...

You lose.

The other way.
Back-to-back.

Oh.
You lose.

♪♪

Hi.
How are you?

"Just stand between that plant
and that chair over there."

Okay. Great. Thank you.
And do me a favor...

Just stand there
between the plant and the wall.

Thank you.

Sal:
Oh, my god.

"On the other side, please...
The other side of the plant."

I'm sorry. I meant
the other side of the plant,

between the chair and the plant.

Yes.
Thank you so much.

Is it still raining outside?

It's, like, misting.

"You don't have
an umbrella!"

You don't have an umbrella!

I do. It's in here.

Oh, it's in the bag.
It's in the bag.

Sal:
It's so odd.

Hi.
Are you here for the...?

I am.
Oh, great.

Joe: Murr, have him stand
next to the other plant.

Do me a favor, Charles...
Stand between the chair

and the plant over there, okay?

They'll be right with you.

Yeah, there you go.

Sal: Unbelievable.

Does that guy have an umbrella?

When you walked in,
was it still raining out?

Yeah.
You have an umbrella!

I have an umbrella.

So, what's the deal
with standing

between the plant and the chair?

You know, it's just,
uh, office guidelines.

I don't make the rules.

Sal: "Look, you're gonna have to
decide amongst yourselves,

but one of you
can sit."

Now, one of you can sit.

I leave it up to you
to decide which one.

Rock-paper-scissors.

I'm gonna sit because I was
standing longer... that's why.

Sal: Murr, just be like,
"okay, you can sit."

Hello. He can?
Okay, Charles, you can sit.

Sit?
Sit, please.

I'll sit.
Thank you.

Joe:
So, we dressed murr today.

Murr, excuse yourself
and just walk right out.

Excuse me one second, guys.

What the?!

Yeah, we got a,
"what the?"

Joe:
Sal, have a seat there,

right next to your
George foreman grill.

Oh, wow.

We preheated the grill, bud.
It's nice and hot.

There's literal steam piping
off of the George foreman.

Can you see it?

Hi. Tracy.
How can I help you?

Sure.
And your name is?
Max.

Sorry.
You can have a seat.

Do you want to just go ahead
and cook yourself up a burger?

Murr:
It's so loud.

Sal, log on to your
ex-girlfriend's Facebook page.

I got to k*ll so much time here.

Time to check in on the
ex-girlfriend's Facebook page.

Huh.

Joe:
"Ohh, my ex."

Murr: "Oh, here we go.
My ex."

My ex.

"Look how she brags...
'another day, cancer-free!'"

brag, brag, brag.
That's awesome.

A year ago today,
she beat cancer.

Now 'cause that's all
she talks about.

I mean,
it's a big accomplishment.

"Great at beating cancer...

Terrible at basic
relationship consideration."

Joe: First,
move that burger.

Great at beating cancer...

Not so great at
basic relationship etiquette

and consideration.

She's got a new guy.

"Bald!"
bald!

"Oh, my bad...
He's got cancer, too."

Oh, my bad...
He's got cancer, too.

I've been grilling meats over
here for the past half-hour.

Okay.

Joe:
Here we go.
Just sign in.

Joe. Joe.
What are you doing, man?

Q, "when a man loves a woman,"
and then just continue.

Just "birds and bees" him
right into it.

You know, when a man...

Loves a woman...

and, uh, she loves him back,

they want to eventually
express that with their bodies.

He's doing
the birds and the bees.

Just out of nowhere.
Yeah.

I don't know how familiar
you are with the female form,

but they have a thing
called a vag*na,

and it's like a socket.

Wait a minute.

Remind me to never let you
babysit my children.

And, then,
what happens is, is, like,

the man will insert the p*nis
inside that socket,

and babies come out.

Uh, you know, about how long?

You know, once you're in,
it's just over in 10 minutes,

and then,
if she really loves you,

then you can do it again.

Let him go.

Today or, like...?

Well, as soon as you're ready.

So, just wait for them
to call me back?

Well, they could call you back,
but, usually, like... what...

Do you leave
as soon as it's over?

Yeah, I think so.
Oh. Oh.

See, I like to stay the night,

and then, if we wake up
in the next morning...

Well, I don't want to stay here.

Oh, you mean this.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I thought we were still
talking about the other thing.

Hi.
How you doing?
Good.
I'm Josh.

They signed me up for the...

"When a man
loves a woman..."

When a man loves a woman...

Uh, eventually,

they're gonna want to get to a
place to express it physically.

Just be quiet for a second,
then go, "she's got a socket."

Josh, she's got a socket.

If you have any questions,
Mark, you... yeah.

Answer the phone.
Hello.

"When a man
loves a woman..."
"When a man
loves a woman..."

When a man loves a woman...

Lookit! Lookit!
Look at these guys' faces.

When a man loves a woman...

"Yes, yes,
socket, right."

Yes! Socket.

Okay.
"I'll call you later, mom."

All right.

Ma, ma, let me go. I'm at work.
I'll call you later.

We've hidden Joe
in the reception area.

Here we go. Here we go.
It's a guy.

All:
4... 3... 2...

Go!

Murr: We've hidden Joe
in the reception area.

All:
4... 3... 2...

- Go!
- Welcome.

So stupid.

Am I supposed to be
waiting here?

Yeah, "vait" there.

Joe, take a phone call.

Cossio & Dominick,
attorneys at law.

"You fell down stairs?"

Oh, fell down stairs?

How many stairs?

1, 2, 3 stairs?

You may be eligible
for a large cash settlement.

"What's that?
Dog bite?"

What's that?
Dog bite?

"Bite back with
cossio & Dominick."

Bite back
with cossio & Dominick,

attorneys at law!

Mesothelioma?
Fibromyalgia?

Asbestos?

Hit-and-run?

Mercury poisoning?
Lead poisoning?

Medical malpractice?

What's your number?

"1-888-8888-"

He's leaving!
He's out!

We got him.
Oh!

He's out!

That's the first time
he's ever walked out of a scene.

Yeah, they're ready for you.

Narrator: Joe couldn't
sink his teeth into a win,

so he's first up
on the loser board.

Today, we're at willowbrook
in Wayne, New Jersey,

playing an "impractical jokers"
classic, "off the hook."

While one of us is
distracting a shopper,

the other will be
on the second floor,

trying to hook
that shopper's belongings

with this ridiculous
fishing rod.

If your partner can't hook
somebody's bag, you lose.

I mean,
he can't even hook it from here.

You're in trouble.
He's on your team.

Oh

Narrator:
It's a double down challenge.

Sal: We played the game before.
It's very simple.

Murray has to hook
the people's belongings,

pull it up to the second floor.

It's something you'd see
in a mall at any given moment.

Q: I always like Joe
in white.

It's my second
favorite color to wear.

Can I take a guess on your
top three colors to wear?

Yes.

Well, you called white
number two.
Yeah.

Might I say
number one as a teal?

Yes,
that's number one.
Can I weigh in
on three?

Salmon.

Really?
Yeah.

I only want the Kelly green
if I'm pushed into it.

Name a scenario where you're
pushed into wearing Kelly green.

Los Angeles, 2008.

I don't even know what Kelly
green exactly looks like, so...

It's nice.
So I'm gonna
pull that up.

Oh, it is a nice green.
Yeah.

Heather green is nice, too.

Murr: Joey,
here you go.

I wish I had someone to take it.
You two. Hi.

Can you take
a quick picture for me?

I'm sending a joke to my wife,

'cause she asked where I was.
You can put your bags down.

Joe, get in front
of the bag.
Okay, sorry.

Could you just come a little
closer so you see the sign?

Q: Oh, there you go.
There you go.

Thank you so much.

Sal: Her friend is standing
right there.

Okay, wait.

There you go.
Moving.

What are you doing?

Thank you so much.

Totally hook-blocked me.

Boys, hook me up with a solid?

Take a shot of me
real quick here.

Could you put
those bags down, though?

Be careful. I don't want you
to... there you go.

Murr: Yep, yep, yep.
Yep, yep. Here we go.
Here we go. Here we go.

Sal:
Oh, oh, oh, oh.

Oh, yeah, you got a filter.
Drop a filter on it.

To your right.
Pick a different one.

Q: Murr's not stopping.
Oh, my god! Oh, my god!

If I... if you need
to move up...

They have the situation
where they need it to be.

Whoa!
Joe got a bag down,
and he got them distracted.

They have a small opening.
Go for the plastic bag!

I mean, it's like an hour
and a half at this point.

I don't know
what more I could do.

Oh, my god.

Joe:
You got it.

Oh!
Oh!

Holy crap!
Oh, my god!

I told you to go
for the plastic bag!

Wow!
Why did you help them?

I just want to see it happen.

Wow, murr.

Oh, you had
the other bag?
Yeah.

Oh, yeah, he took it
with a big fishing hook

when you were taking a picture.

Murr: All right,
there he is.

That's a good-looking shirt.
That's a new shirt, huh?

Sal: Yeah. I'm trying
to just reintroduce

non-hoodies and colors
into it when I can.

It's just so easy to throw
on a hoodie every day.

When are cargo pants
gonna come back?

Not soon enough.

The '90s has been back,
and it left out cargo pants.

You know what, sal? I'm gonna
start wearing cargo pants.

No one would be surprised.

Excuse me. Hi.
How are you?

Excuse me. You're very aloof.
She's very aloof.

Somewhere in this mall,
they're selling cargo pants.

I mean, I can't even get
a person with a bag.

I'm seeing cargo pants.

She just ran into
Victoria's secret.

Yeah.
But one... one sec.

One sec. Come on.

Oh, my god.
Excuse me.

I just want to take
a picture of myself

to send to my mom real quick.

Sal's got somebody.
He's like...

Your partner's
nowhere to be...
don't tell him.
Don't tell him.

Would you mind if you could just
take a picture of me?

Oh, I can't do green and green.

Let me go...

Would you mind if you could
just take a picture of me?

Joe: Sal's got somebody.
He's like...

Your partner's
nowhere to be...
don't tell him.
Don't tell him.

You can come...
Come up a little bit more.

You got to help me
out here, q. Okay.

Are there security tags on this?

Q, he was just...
He had somebody.

What?
Where is he?
Where are you?

He's shopping for cargo pants.

Q.
Yeah.

Are you seriously
buying cargo pants?

I mean, I did mention
I was getting cargo pants,

so that's on you.

Dude, this is absurd
that I am waiting.

Okay. I'm gonna get
in this massage chair.

Oh, my god. The lady just sat
in my g*dd*mn seat.

Damn it!

Murr:
Story of your life.
Okay,
a lady's getting up.

Buddy, I'm back.
I'm back.

Now you wait for me.

Sal, cargo pants.

Congrats.
I've given up.

What do you mean
you're giving up?

Wake me up when cargo pants
come back in style.

Narrator:
Q put fashion before fishing,

so he and sal
are tonight's big losers.

Oh, happy day.
Sal and q are our losers,

and, gentlemen,
your punishment's very easy.

All you got to do is sell
this beautiful turquoise ring.

Yeah.

We got you dressed up
in your Sunday finest.

You're gonna go into your office

and just make some cold calls
and sell this ring.

Cold-call the hell out of it,
gentlemen.
Yeah.

Oh, you can't leave the room
till it's sold.

Are you getting
the implications here?

Nobody's gonna buy
a turquoise ring over the phone.

Guys,
it's a turquoise ring.
Let me see this.

Murr:
People want this ring.

Philippines.

Ah.
Oh, whoa.

Oh, you got to be me.

Oh, my god.
Joe: There she is...
the Jewel.

Nobody's going to buy that.

Whoa, it's hot in here.
It is hot!

Oh, wait.
You guys are cold?

Oh, my god!
Oh, my god!

It got like 100 degrees
hotter immediately!

No, no, no!
What is this?!

No.
Joe: There's a leak
in the room.

You know, you guys
can't afford the rent

because you haven't sold
any turquoise rings.

What the is this?

That's if
you guys get thirsty...

There's two gerbil bottles
on the wall.

Wait. Do you see
Murray on the wall?

Murr: Sal, we thought of the
two things you hate the most...

Sweat and me.

It's 89 right now,
and we just walked in.

Gentlemen,
I hate to point this out,

but it's only gonna
get hotter in the room.

Joe:
You better get to work.

On top of the fireplace
are some yellow pages.

What year is this from?
1958 to 1959.

Guys, times are tough
in the turquoise-ring industry.

Oh, my god.
It's sh**ting out heat.

Q: All right, do you guys
have any, like,

medical emergencies
sitting by, because this...

Can I tell you something?
Look at me, buddy.

Me and you are a team right now.

So we got to move product,
or we're stuck in this room.

Joe: Guys, hate to take the wind
out of your sails,

but you have rotary phones,

so there is no way to send
anyone a picture of the product.

Actually, wait a minute.
Wait a minute.

This is gonna get like a sauna.

We can't be in here more than
15 minutes. We could die.

Do you want
to start calling?
Joe: You guys
better get to dialing.

You're wasting precious time.

All right, all right.
1-2-1-2.

Murr: This is smart...
They're calling Manhattan.

Yep.

Uh...

Hurry up.

- I don't know.
- 7-2-0.

Ah, geez.
The dial tone comes up quick.

They can't think of numbers
fast enough.

3-1-6-0.

♪♪

We're sorry.
Your call did not...

I am literally drenched
under this already.

Oh, we got to get
out of this room.

♪♪

It's ringing.

Do you want me to join in?
I'll wait. I'll wait.

Yeah,
we'll both go.
You bring me on
as your manager.

Murr:
It's a fax machine!

Oh!
Oh, my god!
This is gonna take hours.

It's 105 degrees right here.

Sal: Right now?
Right now.

Ohh.

1-2...

Ohh.
It's just so hot.

Murray's dumb face and...

All right, all right, all right.

Woman: If you leave
your name and number,

we'll get back to you
just as soon as we can.

What's our number?

Hi. This is Aidan.

Aidan, how are you?

Joe: You guys better
get to dialing.

This ring doesn't
get to sell itself.

Hi. This is Aidan.

Aidan, how are you?
Oh, my god.

I'm so glad to talk to you.
My name's Brian Quinn.

I'm calling from the staten
island turquoise ring company.

Okay.
Listen to me.

We're...
The holidays are coming.

We're... we're firing
off these tur...

We're firing off these...

I'm gonna put my manager on.

Hi, Aidan.
This is sal vulcano.

We are cold-calling
turquoise rings today

for sale for the holidays.

That's okay.
I'm really not interested.

Oh, but you haven't heard...
It's from the Philippines.

Aides, baby...
Why did I call him "aides"?

Aidan? Aidan?

We lost Aidan.

Well, at least you got somebody
on the phone, boys... progress.

♪♪

It's ringing.

Woman: Hello?
Hi.

This is sal, calling from
Quinn and vulcano jewelers,

and we're looking
to move a really,

really special
turquoise ring today.

Okay.

This product is normally $200.

We're gonna sell it today
for less than 70% of that.

This is not a scam.

I don't know why I said "scam"
on the phone, but it's not.

Can I take
your information down?

I can pass it along
and see if...

Oh, great.
Oh.

774-0245.

This is not this number.
This is what it used to be.

We don't have a number?
We don't have a number.

Joe: They hung up!

How do we get out
of this situation

that we found ourselves in?

This is Jeremy...

Please leave a message.

Por favor de...

It's over 125.

Like, our flesh is expanding.

Anyone in your life
that enjoys turquoise?

Woman: No, sir.

Real turquoise, from the shores
of the Philippines.

Do you want to...
You want to sell a ring here?

Man:
You're selling turquoise?

Yes, turquoise rings and...

Woman: Turquoise ring?

Okay, I'll bring it to you
right now... $19.99.

Man #2:
No, no, no.

Ohh.
It's $19.99.
I'll come down.

I'll give you 40 bucks for it.

What is the plan?

You know we're not gonna be able
to sell this g*dd*mn ring.

Somebody out there
will buy this ring.

Dude, I got a number
I want to try... 88...

This is the pizzeria I used
when I was a child.

You guys are getting desperate.

Man #3: Ambrosino's.
Hey, ambrosino's.

Oh, my god.
This is amazing.

This is Brian Quinn. I order
from you guys all the time.

I'm on that TV show
"impractical jokers."

Q, what's going on, buddy?
How's everything?

Hey, how you doing?
Murr: Oh, my god!

Wow.
This could work.

Listen, man,
I have an overabundance

of turquoise rings,

and I know
that ambrosino's pizza

is my favorite pizza
on staten island...

The best pizza, man.
Great stuff.

Yeah, and I see you in here
all the time. I know.

Great, so, what happened
is sal and I

came in the possession
of a surplus of turquoise rings.

I'm unloading them for the low,
low price of $19.99.

Mike, that's 1-9-9-niner.

Wow, that's a bargain.

You're damn right it is.

And guess what...
We can deliver it.

We can deliver it today. We can
deliver it to someone's house.

We can deliver it
to someone's job.

Residential, office building.

Okay, okay, okay.
Okay, okay.

They got it!
We're just very happy,

'cause we've been trying
to sell it all day, so...

Oh, my god!
Wait.

I'm the only guy that's
bought... that's buying on this?

All right, so,
$19.99.

Oh, wait. Hold on. Listen.
Wait, wait, wait, wait. Hold on.

Whoa.
'Cause now you got me
a little wary here.

Yeah!

What could we do...

What could we do to prove to you
that this is real, Mike?

Uh...
Think about it...
why would I call this pizzeria

unless it was the q that
comes in there all the time?

Also, didn't you say
what you always order?

I ordered a hot cherry pepper.

On top of that, I don't care
whether I buy a dollar slice

or a $20 pizza...

I'm throwing money
in that tip jar.

You know that.
All right, q, listen,

just 'cause you said
the hot cherry pepper,

I'm gonna do it it for you,
'cause...
Yes!

Yes! Yes! Yes!
Okay!

No! No!
Oh, there they go.

Damn it!

And the heaters go off!

Yeah! Yeah!
Yes!

Well-done!

What the...
We got to go deliver it.

Here is the turquoise ring
you purchased.

All right, boys. Thank you.
Enjoy the ring.

♪♪

All right.
Someone gave us
their credit card.

So, sal and q were sweating
it out in this punishment.

Now you get a behind-the-scenes
look of how it happened...

I'm dizzy.
And a lot
of bonus footage,

'cause we shot for hours.

Oh, my god.
Enjoy.

- Hey, you should put this on.
- You look like

get out of here before
I throw this all over you.

Man:
Hot, hot, hot.

Great. Yeah, let's start
with them off.

Let me ask you this
real quick...

What's the deal with turquoise?

I mean, who doesn't
love turquoise, right?

It's universally loved.
That's true.

Everyone loves turquoise.

All right, guys, try this one.

Woman: Good afternoon.
This is trutv.

How can I help you?

Hi. This is sal vulcano
from "impractical jokers."

Yes.

I also have Brian Quinn on the
line from "impractical jokers."

Hi.
So, Brian and I
are looking to sell for $19.99

a turquoise ring
to someone on the phone today.

It is a beautiful ring,
and it's only $19.99.

And it's really sal and Brian.

Trutv is not interested
in purchasing a turquoise ring.

They hung up!

What kind of temperature
do the jokers usually like?

Cold.
Oh, it's...

Freezing.

And they complain
about it a lot.

Can we get the ac on
in here or...

How'd that go?
Brian Quinn is hot.

Is there a fan, guys?

Somebody's job is relying
on the temperature

of my undercarriage
in the next five minutes.

A lot of props today...
A lot of weird props today.

Did you try it?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You tried...

You actually put
your mouth to it and tried it?

Yeah.

Oh, that's great.
Sal's gonna hate that.

I know.

Were these sanitized?

Joe: Those were absolutely,
100% not sanitized.

So, all you know so far
is this, huh?

They just put you in this,
and they're like, "hey."

I got some guesses.

Oh, okay.
I feel like
an insurance salesman.

Hey, is this the pawn shop?

Woman: Yes, it is.
Oh, excellent.

I came into possession of
a very handsome turquoise ring.

Do you guys
trade in turquoise rings?

No. No.

Is there a reason
you don't sell turquoise rings?

'Cause we don't take gold.

Ohh!

How about you?
Are you a turquoise gal?

Do you want to get
some massages or something?

We should totally
get two masseuses.

♪♪

I'm taking off my shoes.

I just realized
they're fleece-lined boots.

Joe: Yeah, take off your shoes.
Get comfortable.

Guys, can I get some
Swedish fish back here?

Shut up.
You're not...
you're joking.

You have that?
Swedish?

Yeah, I got Swedish back here.

Are you getting a massage?

Me? No.
I'm not getting a massage.

Is murr getting a massage
right now, for real?

No. Nuh-unh.

You're doing great, guys.

You.

This is the best
punishment ever.

Ohh! I hope they never
sell this turquoise.

I'm going in the room.

But I will say this...
You call there.

What are you doing?
Checking out you boys.

You all right?
You're not
taking a dump.

Murr: Ohh!

That's not...
That's not... oh, my god.

Oh! Oh, my god!

Oh, my god!

Oh, my god!

Are you really gonna
are you really gonna

Joe. Joe.
Do not
take a

Joe.
Are you being dead serious?

Don't...
get out of here.
I was
in the backroom,

and I was like,
"I got to take a"

and I was like,
"oh, my god."
Don't
get out of here.

I will start
throwing up everywhere.

Will you like that?

If you right now
and that's in this 125 degree...

And I'm here for two more hours,

I am gonna throw up everywhere.

He you

oh, my god!

For real, did you

I'm not going near the toilet.

I couldn't go. I wanted to,
but I got stage fright.