06x23 - Take Me Out at the Ballgame

[bunniefuu]

Narrator: Coming up,
why is Joe going belly-up?

What's got sal
and murr passing gas?

Oh, you got...
Oh, excuse me. I'm sorry.

And which losing joker
will be a major league jerk

in tonight's punishment?

Oh!

Sal: Prepare for
something amazing.

Q: Hey, mustache, what's up?

Murr: I want my mommy!

Sal: I will never forgive you!

Joe: Larry!

Today, we're at
universal Orlando resort's

brand-new water
theme park volcano bay.

As we mingle with
fellow park-goers,

the other guys are gonna
tell us what we have to do.

If you can't complete
the ridiculous task, you lose.

Joe: All right,
here we go.

Sal: Murr, you actually
look super cool.

- You do look cool.
- Yeah?

You look like the bad guy
from every '80's movie...

Which, for me, is
the ultimate coolness.

You literally look like
you're in "cobra Kai."

- Let's get to it.
- What do I have to do?

All you got to do, murr,
is, uh, honk a man's pectorals.

Three times.

I like your headband, man.
I got one, too.

Do you work out?
- A little bit.

A little bit.

What do... what do you do?

- Look at them pecs, murr.
- 'Cause I see you...

Joe: Honk 'em!

You have, like, glistening pecs,
you know what I mean?

It's like, really,
you know... honk-honk...

And it's, like, good, you know?
I'm trying to get that, too.

One down, two to go.

- Oh, my god. This is nice,
right? You here with family?
- Yeah.

I'm here with my...
You know... my... my... no one.

"Here with my no one...
The James Murray story."

Do you, uh... do you work out?
Do you work out? You do...

- Yeah.
- Yeah, you do? I see it.

The ladies like the...
You know... they like the...

They like the big pecs,
you know?

They love these.
I'm trying to get it.

I'm trying. Honk-honk.
And they won't do it.

I'm trying to build
them up myself.

Anyways, enjoy the park.
- Two down, one to go.

So, murr, we want a behind-the-
back, speechless "honk."

All right. All right.

Here he goes.
Here he goes.

Here he goes.
- Here we go.

Sal: Oh, man. Oh, man.
Oh, man. Oh, man!

Q: Here he goes.

Honk-honk.

Bros... bros.
Bros. We're bros.

What a way to finish, buddy.

Good work.
- I'm done. I'm done.

Sal: So, here's
the thing, all right?

- Yeah.
- I want you to get people

to agree that the sand
tastes delicious.

You know because
you're gonna eat it.

- I'm eating the sand.
- Yeah.

So, they should
taste it as well, right?

- Yeah. Yeah.
- Ohh...

There's a lot of
bad feet on this sand.

- That's right.
- Mm-hmm.

Oh, there's hair in the sand.

Joe: There's hair in the sand.
I bet it's delicious.

There's no way
someone's gonna eat sand.

No way.
Well, somebody is...

Q.

Is that the... is that the sand?

Is that the sand?
- No.

Oh, the guy over
there was telling me

that it tastes
like cotton candy.

I didn't know
if you were eating it.

Let me give a shot at this.
- They believe it.

They're in.
They're in.

Oh, well, they said
they flavor the sand.

He ain't having it.
- Oh! Ohh!

Oh, my god.
He did it.

Well, no. Now, this guy's
got to taste it.

Hand him some. Try it.

Come on. Wait.
No, no, no, no.

Melts in your mouth...
Like cotton candy.

You got to try it.
- No, no, no.

- Oh! He's out of here.
- Agh.

I mean, he ate sand.

Yeah, which is nice.
But no one else tasted it yet.

Oh, man, you were right,
this works!

I can't believe it!

Wow! The sand here is actually
flavored like cotton candy.

You want to try some?
It's delicious.

Come on. Give it a shot.
Here you go. Ah. Ahh!

- I don't...
- Wow.

Oh, I love this guy.

All right, I got to go wash
my mouth out with bleach.

- Get him a water.
- Get him a water.

Agh.

There you go.
I can't believe he got it.

Also, buddy, that's pool water.

Sal: Ah, you son
of a b*tch!

You remember when you
made me drink pool water?

Yeah!

Murr: All right. That's a new
bathing suit, right, Joe?

- New one. Brand-new.
- For your challenge,

you have the most
irritating bathing suit

in all of volcano bay.

Make sure everybody knows it.
- So, I have to let people know?

Uh-huh.
We're going big?

Go big.

All right.
Ah, the chafe.

The way to fight the chafe
is just swing them out.

I tell you, that's something
spectacular to see.

I only got one issue...
Mad chafe.

Joe, walk around her
in a circle. Like, "shark" her.

While you're talking to her.

The walk is really
the most important part.

It's really just
keeping knees up.

Every time I do a step without,

this is like a layer
coming right off.

But if I do the high step...

I could start a fire...
That's right.

Q: There he goes.
There he goes.

I got a mean chafe going on.

Yeah.
- The belly's come out to play.

Joe, put the belly up and down.

Oh, my god.
You look like a...

You look like a blow fish.

Like, trying to mate
with this guy.

- You do it.
- Me?
- Yeah.

He's doing it.
Now, this guy's doing it.

One, two, three... boom.

Oil her up.

Yeah, but that's not
the point of this.

This isn't even what
I'm supposed to be doing.

I'm supposed to tell you
about the chafing.

I got sidetracked.

Oh, good. The waves.
Oh, thank god.

Joe, there's no way that a lot
of people are hearing this.

Murr: We need all
of volcano bay

to know how uncomfortable
your bathing suit is.

I got to tell the whole place?

I got to chill the chafe!

I gots to chill the chafe!

I gots to chill the chafe!

Oh, my god!

Joe gatto... "I've gots
to chill the chafe."

The chafe is chilled, child.

Boom.

All right, fellers.

I like that you went with the
all-black in the blazing sun.

- It is moisture-wicking.
- Okay, well, listen.

Speaking of moisture,
use someone's towel

to blow your nose three times.

All right, sal, there's a little
kid sitting in his towel

right there, hanging out
with his dad.

Oh, my god.

We are ready.

All right.

Ah-choo!

Q: Oh, man, dude.
This is rough.

The father slept
right through it.

All right,
that wasn't that hard.

It was a lot easier
than we thought.

So, do it again.
- Okay, here we go.

I'm gonna psych myself up.

Yeah.

That's sal getting psyched up.

I'm gonna go hard in the paint.

Hard in the paint.
- Here we go. Here we go.

Ah-choo!

I cannot believe
what I just saw.

- Oh, my god.
- I can't believe that.

Can I come back?

- No!
- There's still one left.

Murr: Sal. Why don't
you try blowing your nose

on somebody where it's
around their waist already.

-Yeah, yeah.
That's the way to do it.
-Around the waist.

I'm nervous.
I'm very nervous.

- As you should.
- Go get it. Get it. Get it.

Hey, get the...

Yeah!

I just got slapped.
That's what you wanted.

Are you happy?

All the guys were
cool at the pool,

so they're safe
from the loser board.

Today, we're at food bazaar
competing head-to-head in a game

we call
"stockboy shootout."

When a shopper enters
our playing area,

we're gonna take turns sh**ting
toilet rolls into their cart.

Whoever sinks the least
amount of rolls

by the time the shopper leaves
our playing area loses.

Someone's got to clean that up.

That's not gonna
get you any points.

Murr: The gladiators
have entered the arena.

All right, so this
is how it goes, q.

As soon as someone enters
on either line, they're in play.

- Yes.
- If they enter from this end,

I'm having a way easier go at it
than you until it gets to you.

-That's right.
-But it's one-at-a-time.
Tit for tat.

Joe: Here we go.

That's tough.

Oh.

He's got a blocker for sal.

That is on me.

- Sal, there's no way.
- I'm gonna try and clear that.

Here you go, bub.

- Oh!
- Hold up, sir. Hold on, sir.

Here we go. Here we go.

- Oh, two-nothing.
- That counts.

2-1.
It's 2 to 1.3-1.

I got to be Larry bird
up in this b*tch.

- Oh, sal's hitting them.
- Sal is draining them.

You... guy...
You're k*lling me, guys.

- Oh!
- Oh!

Watch out, lady!

- The guy just ducked.
- Hold on.

No, push through!
Push through.

I sank another one!

- Q wins!
- He got it!

- Q gets it.
- Q wins.

- Whoo!
- What an ending.

- All right, Joey.
- You boys ready up there?

We ready down here.

You look like your cover-band
gig just got canceled.

This is your hair, q.

- I know.
- I look like you.

You look like you're starring

in a high-school production
of "rock of ages."

Coming up behind you.

I have to get something
besides the toilet paper.

I got the toilet paper
for this evening

to get me through to 7:00 A.M.
I live alone.

'Cause it's Mexican night.

He has theme nights for himself.

What else did I need?
I got toilet paper.

What else did I need?

- Uh-oh.
- Here we go. Ready?

Q:
Joe's got the advantage.

Murr: Here you go.
There you go. There's two.

- Ahh.
- Ahh.

Sal: Murray's up 2-1.

- That's the end of Joe. Ohh!
- 2-2, 3-2.

- 3-3! 4-3.
- Nice and easy.

- Oh, come on.
- 7-5.

Joe:
I'm draining 'em.

Well, move your then.
Move it!

Oh, this is super-easy now
for me.

Aah!

Trying to knock the wig off him.

- Oh, that was just...
- That was a...

- That was a drubbing.
- You got beat by the hair.

Ooh.

You got to pay for all that now.

You got to pay for all those.

Don't try to get out of here
for free with them.

Well, you should have
moved it closer.

If I won, you could
have kept them!

I don't even work here. I'm just
sh**ting in strangers' carts.

You pay for those toilet papers!

Narrator: Joe and sal were
outshot in this shootout,

so they're first up
on the loser board.

Hey, fellas.
Isn't it beautiful out?

Let's play a game
called "hot potato."

Two of us are gonna sit on
opposite sides of a stranger,

and we're gonna
take turns passing

an unusual item to each other.

And we'll have to keep
coming up with the reasons

to pass the items
back and forth.

If you are holding the weird
item when the stranger gets up,

you lose.

Hot potato.

♪♪

All right, guys. So, sal and I
planted something in your bag

to pass back and forth.

Ohre here, actually.

- Here we go.
- You're gonna see Rhonda first.

Do you mind giving
Rhonda back her shoe?

Oh.

A single high-heel,
which has so many implications.

Yeah, there's so
many stories there.

I wasn't with Rhonda.
I was with Sandy.

Sal:
So far, he's ignoring.

But, you know,
now that I think about it,

Sandy and Rhonda
live in the same building.

So, when you see Sandy,

maybe you could have her
do the handoff to Rhonda.

Ah, I see.

Sal:
The conversation over him

is even more annoying
to him than the shoe.

But I'm not sure when
I'm gonna see Sandy again,

and I know that you're in
that joint every other night,

so why don't you just roll in
and bring it with you there?

- That's true.
- You know what I'm saying?

Maybe I'll just give it...
I'll give it back to her.

Murr:
Oh, Joe's got it back!

Sal: So far,
this guy has not flinched.

I am there all the time, but i'm
going out of town next week

and you're gonna be there
for the fourth of July party.

Oh! Okay, right.
Yeah.

You're gonna be there
for the party.

- You got the first glare.
- He just looked.

The first glare just came.

Remember I was
going to the doctor

about that shoe-fetish thing?

- Yes.
- I still got it.

So they're not gonna get
to her in this condition.

So, yeah...

Yeah, you know what, though?
That's...

- Oh!
- Ohh!

That sounds like
it's my problem, you know,

and I'm just gonna
keep this, then.

This is mine.

Murr: Good job, q.

Q: Here we go.

♪♪

Dude, murr.

I'm sitting here
waiting for you.

I didn't even realize
you're sitting right there.

I brought... I brought it.
I have it, so...

The barbecue was great.

Thank you for
letting me borrow it.

Oh. Thank you.

I thought you were
gonna return it full.

- That's full.
- Really?

This feels too light to be full.

- I just filled it.
- This feels way too light.

Feel how light it is.
Feel how light it is.

I know. I carried it
all the way here.
No. Feel how light.

I carried it all the way here.

Feel how light it is.
It's so light.

No, it's full. It was only...
I have the receipt.

- It's 28 bucks.
- Really?

- Yeah, take it.
- You're sure?

And I know you need it
'cause you said you have
that barbecue today.

No, it got canceled.
It got canceled.

The weather's too nice.

You know what?
Let me see that bag.

Let me see the bag
that you have.

Thanks. Yeah, it's hard
to carry, right?

- The bag makes it easier?
- Put it in the bag.

Oh, okay.
You hold this.

No, I'm saying
put it in the bag.

Oh, you mean...
Oh, carry it in the bag.

Like...

One second. Sorry.

Here, open it up,
and I'll slide it in there.

Joe: There you go, sal!

- Yeah. Thank you.
- Oh, thank you so much.

Wait. Who needs to keep it?

He's keeping it.
He's keeping it.

That's fine.

- It's a draw.
- It's a draw.

It's a draw. Good work.

You're gonna need the bag.

Narrator:
Joe got stuck on the bench,

but he'll see some playing time
in tonight's punishment.

Well, well.
Joe's our big loser.

So we brought him to citi field,
home of the New York mets.

That's right. And we got
our friend to help us out...

Mets ace Noah syndergaard.

Noah, do you think you could
sign a couple ba*ls for us?

- Yeah, no problem.
- All right.

Okay, and then you're gonna
take those autographed ba*ls,

you're gonna throw them
into the stands for fans,

except, Joe, you are
gonna intercept them

and steal everyone's autographs.

It's gonna be great.

New York sports fans are known
for their calm demeanor.

- You're gonna be fine.
- You're gonna die.

Joe: Yeah, I know.

Sal: Okay, so here we go.
It's right before game time.

Noah's out there
signing autographs

for fans like he does.

Little kids dream of this.

I mean, this is
the star pitcher, right?

That's right.
Noah is the main man.

He's gonna give signed ba*ls
to all these fans eventually.

Just... not right now.

- There he is.
- There he is.

Super fan Joe gatto.
There he is.

Avid collector.

Joe: Noah's down there.
Oh, there he is.

Joe is playing the role
of fanatic today.

- Look at the satchel.
- Joe, I got to be honest.

You're not the headband type.

All right, Joe,
your goal is to steal

as many ba*ls as Noah
throws to the fans.

- Joe, this kid right there.
- Look at that little kid.

- With the hat on.
- He has his glove.

- He's waiting for Noah.
- There we go.

- Here we go. Here we go!
- Here we go.

Sal: The kid is dumbfounded.
He's like,

"that was literally gonna be
the best day of my life."

Murr: Joe, he still
wants a ball. He still
got his glove up.

You guys.

It's not for the guy
with the headband.

It's for the kids.

- Oh!
- Ohh!

Gotta be quicker.

Murr: You're the biggest
jerk in the world.

Next time you call him,
go "jeter!"

Not the right team,
not the right league,

not the right position.

Joe: Jeter!

Sal: He's cracking up.

Joe: Jeter, I like
the new haircut.

Jeter, I got to get
a ball for my kid.

I'm not jeter, buddy.
Come on.

What's his nickname?
- Thor.

Hulk!

He's great.
How about a ball, though?

More signing, a little less...

This is for the fat guy
that looks like a toucan.

All right, Joe.
Move along.

Oh, you ran down?
Yeah, me too.

Young man:
Can I have a ball? Thor.

I have your Jersey on.

Murr: Here you go, Joe.

- Yeah.
- Wow!

Q: Stay there, Joe.
Do another one.

Oh, you want him to...
You want him to sign that?

- Yeah.
- Just see if he can sign that.

Well, let him sign this
for you, right?

Thor, will you sign this for
him? He didn't get the ball.

Yeah.

Just sign this for this guy.

- I'll put it in the hat.
- Put it in the hat. Thanks.

♪♪

Joe, ask that kid,
"he was injured?"

- He got hurt?
- What?

He was hurt?
Oh, yeah, yeah.

Q: All right, Joe.
That's your hat now.

He signed my hat, too.
Thank you, man. Appreciate it.

- Thanks, man. Thanks.
- Get out of there, Joe.

- Get out... get out of there!
- That is awesome.

That is awe... that is awesome.

Give me my hat back, man!

- It's mine.
- It's my hat, dude.

Oh, my god.
This is brutal.

Q: Joe, stay deep. Let him arc
one over the crowd to you.

Go ahead, Noah.

- Yeah!
- Oh!

"My seventh ball.
EBay, here I come!"

That's number 7 for eBay.

Yeah, you want one?
You go on eBay.

My username is "Joe gatto."

I'm out here working.
Look out, little girl.

Murr:
Joe, fight to get those ba*ls.

Joe: Oh, yep. Yeah! Yeah!
Number 8 now.

Now we're making that money.

- Oh, my god.
- It's brutal.

- Oh, my god.
- What's this guy's name?

He's famous, right?

Joe, borrow this kid under
the guise of getting her a ball.

I'm sorry. Did you want
to get her a ball?

Yeah, yeah, come here.
I know him.

Yeah. Just pretend
you're my daughter.

Thor, one for my little girl!

Great.

Great.

Uh, it was for the
little girl. Thanks.

Murr: Oh, Joe got it.
Joe got it.

- There you go.
- Joe, run. Get out of there.

See, look, it's signed
to him and everything.

Thank you.

Q: Look at this guy.
Look at this guy.

That's nine.
I got another one.

I gave... no,
I gave it to the guy.

Murr:
Oh, the mother's chasing Joe.

- Guys, you can get it on eBay.
- The mother's chasing you.

- Oh, no.
- What happened?

You cannot do that!

Give me the ball!
That's wrong!

This one?

Stop! That is wrong!

What do we do here, fellas?

Talk about eBay.
Talk about eBay.

- You can get it on eBay.
- How dare you!

"Look, I'm as big
a jeter fan as anyone."

I'm as big a jeter fan as any.

Woman: You apologize!

I am 1,000% sorry.

"So sorry I didn't get
that ball" and walk away.

Sal: "So sorry
I didn't get the ball."

"I'm so sorry
I didn't get that ball."

I'm so sorry
I didn't get that ball.

Oh, my god!

Get out of there before
she kills you, Joe.

All right, guys, so,
I think I got enough ba*ls.

I think I'm gonna go.
Gonna take off. Thank you.

Joe, you're... Outta there!

I mean, I feel like a terrible
person if I'm gonna be honest.

♪♪

All right.
Welcome to a very special

"impractical insider"
from citi field.

Joe gatto just struck out,
and now you get

a behind-the-scenes look
of how it happened

and bonus footage
from tonight's episode.

Right, Mr. Met?
That's right.

What is that?

This is a Thor-signed baseball.

- Are you serious?
- Yeah.

I mean, like, were you
nervous to ask him

even though you were just,
like, hanging out with him?

Uh, no, I didn't ask him.

Somebody else had it, and I
just, wonk, stole it from them.

I mean, you're doing what Joe
has to do for a punishment.

Yeah, but with no fear of any
repercussions whatsoever.

Right, right.

Mcpartland: When we heard that
Noah was a fan of the show,

you know, he said he just
wanted to be a part of it.

He wanted to be in
the punishment somehow.

So it took us a little
while to figure out,

you know, how do we integrate
him into the punishment?

- You're gonna die.
- Yeah, I know.

Jost:
He took a big risk.

The fact that he let us,
you know,

work with his fans like that
and steal ba*ls from them.

- He's a cool guy.
- Yeah.

Jost:
All right, so, the intro's

going to be at home plate
of citi field.

It's just... when I'm saying
this out loud, it's insane.

Kustanowitz:
There were a lot of ideas that
we were thinking about doing

that involved the players.

But we couldn't do them because
the players know the show.

And on the one hand,
that was a bummer

because it would have been fun
to involve them in the prank,

but on the other hand,
it's pretty cool

to know that the mets
players love the show.

Man: 3, 2, 1.

Q: Well, well.
Joe's our big loser.

So we brought him to citi field,
home of the New York mets.

So, I stand out there,
and he throws ba*ls.

- Like, I'm dressed like this.
- Sorry, sorry.

Did you dress yourself?

This is an odd look
you got going on.

No, this is...
This is what the kids do.

They're like, "hey, let's get...
Take me out to the ballgame."

Yeah, Joe, you look silly.

Are you nervous?

- No.
- No?

- Never.
- Wow.

Never show weakness, Casey.
Never show weakness to anybody.

You never show weakness.

You never...

Never.

- You have a...
- Never!

Did you have eggplant parm?

I did.
And I never show weakness.

I can tell.

- That's my earpiece.
- Whew.

- Oh, there he is.
- Super fan Joe gatto.

- There he is.
- Avid collector.

You're the kind of guy that
waits at an airport for no one.

- Noah! Noah!
- Here we go.

- Oh!
- One down.

- Joe got one.
- Thanks, man.

Q: All right, Joe.
Move along.

Yeah, you go on eBay.
You can get 'em on eBay.

Thor, I'm gonna need one more!

EBay!

Some guy comes along and starts
taking ba*ls from people.

What do you think?

Uh, I mean, I don't think
it's right at all.

- Yeah!
- EBay.

That one looked like
a frenzy right there.

He kind of had to do it. It's,
like, the nature of the show.

Look out, bud.
Sorry. Is that jeter?

What show was it?

It's called
"impractical jokers."

- Ohh!
- Oh, I know that show.

- Oh, my god!
- See?

Yeah. It was
"impractical jokers."

- Oh, my god.
- That was Joe.

Oh. Oh, my god!
I had no idea!

You didn't know?
Now does it make sense?

Yeah, now that makes sense.
That's funny.

Q: Murr, turn left.
There you go.

Look at his n*pples.

- Come on. I know.
- Sundial shadow.

Joe: Guys, it's 12:35.

I've never seen
anything like that.

Your n*pples cast
a shadow on your body.

Q: Your n*pples have
their own shadow.

I was born with
big n*pples. What?