06x22 - The Walking Dread

[bunniefuu]

Narrator: Coming up,
why is q doing a face-plant?

This is basil.
Yeah.

What's got sal
starting a dance party?

? Yeah.

Narrator: And which losing joker

will be walking dead
in tonight's punishment?

Sal: Prepare for
something amazing.

Q:
Hey, mustache, what's up?

Murr: I want my mommy!

Sal:
I will never forgive you!

Joe: Larry!

Today, we're working at
the Brooklyn botanic garden.

While interacting with visitors,
we're gonna have to do

and say whatever
the other guys tell us to.

If you refuse anything,
you know, you lose.

Murr, you look like a bad
attempt at a cover of, like,

a romance novel.

Ooh!

Joe:
Look at this kid's hair.

Great hair, man.
Great hair.

That's not real.

That's your real hair?

Say, "this isn't mine,"
and take your wig off.

That's your real hair?
This isn't mine.

Go try to take his off!

You're not gonna
get one over on me!

- Come on. Come on.
- It's real.

- It's real.
- Oh, it's real.

- Yeah.
- All right.

Guys, smell this.
Fresh basil we just got.

This one's elephantis clitoris.

Oh, you want to try?
This is the elephantis clitoris.

These are the, uh,
this is basil.

Let me show you another one.

Stick 'em up, dickweed.

Try... these are very fragrant.

This is the
stick 'em up, dickweed.

- Stick 'em up, dickweed?
- Yeah.

She just said it back.

Right? Stick 'em up, dickweed.
Basil.

Stick 'em up, dickweed.
Basil.

Hey. What are you
doing here?

Uh, prepping new
flowers to be planted.

Oh, fantastic.

Murr, punch a flower
as hard as you can.

I live out of the country
most of the time.

Oh, is that right?
Whereabouts?

Turkey, Bulgaria, and Holland.

Yeah.

How long have you been
back in the United States?

Well, just almost back
for three years.

Yeah.

And back in the 1970's...

He's talking right through it!

I worked on a project
for the environment people.

I worked for
the parks department.

Oh, you worked for
the parks department?

Oh, you want to take a hit then?

You used to work for
the parks department?

So you're allowed.

You want to take a swing
at this then, too?

Um...
Come on. Come on.

That's it.
There you go.

That's a good hit.
Um...

And then he goes
right back into talking!

- He just...
- And he's still talking!

Duking it out here.

I worked at
the parks department!

That's it.

Q: Joe, see this couple
right in front of you?

Offer to take a photo of them.

Do you guys want to take
a picture of you with the...

Sure.

Yeah. You had
the camera out.

Ready?

There you go.
Thank you.

Okay. Enjoy your day
in the garden.

- Joey...
- Mm-hmm.

You want to see if they want
a picture with that now?

Yeah, that's a good one.
I'll take a picture for you.

Ready?

There you go.
Thank you.

Joe go, "all right, I'll see you
in 15 steps," and walk away.

Okay, I'll see you in 15 steps.

There he goes.

You have to do the fountain.

- Yeah?
- Yeah, the fountain.

You want to sit down
on this one.

This is the best way.

- Oh, okay.
- There you go. Ready?

Just go, "I'll wait for you

over there in the..."

I'll wait for you
right over here.

Joe, see if you can get
a selfie of the three of you.

Look at her face.

Ready? 2, 3...

Oh, yeah.

Sal: Joe, go up to
this guy in the hat...

- Mm-hmm.
- And just hold him

by the hips.

The cider gum...
This one.

Come over to the lavender-cotton

right after that.

- This is so weird!
- Right there. Lavender-cotton.

Joe, we got a bucket filled
with water and a sponge.

Just walk around and offer
to cool people down.

- Wet sponge. Cool you off?
- No, we're good.

Wet sponge?

- No?
- He can't process it.

Who...
It's just not making sense.

Would turn down a wet sponge?

Wet sponge?

No?

Hi. How you doing?

You ever been to
the botans before?

Ohhh, man.

Oh, really?
Where you from?

And you came... you didn't get
enough green in Dublin?

You had to come here?
To see this?

Lily garden?
Oh, that's up... that's...

Up your Irish a*s, to the left!

Now, as I recall,
that is... Um... Yeah.

The Lily garden.
That is, uh, right.

That is up your Irish a*s,
to the left.

Right over there.

Joe: Flipped him off!
He flipped him off!

He flipped him off!

Hi. Would you like
to sniff a flower?

Shove her face in it.

We got the best,
the most scented one.

Yeah.

Mmm...

Isn't it gorgeous?

Do it again, do it again.

Yeah.
This is basil.

Yeah. You want
to try some of this?

This is so good. Okay.

There you go.

Q, show them the p*nis flytrap.

Yeah, this is... uh...

Right over... yeah.

Murr: Q, show them
the p*nis flytrap.

Yeah, this is... uh...

Right over... yeah.

If you see...
If you see over here,

we got the peppermint
scented geraniums over here.

Oh, hi, kid. Yeah...

Nothing shuts down a p*nis
flytrap like a little kid.

See, we keep a bunch
of p*nis flytraps in here.

The... oh, where are they?
They're over there.

They're that way. Yeah.

- Did he say Venus or p*nis?
- He said p*nis.

- Oh, my god.
- Oh, wow.

How's it going, man?

I'm in the midst of botany, man.

It's my favorite thing
in the world.

I do have one bigger passion.

You know, I do only have
one bigger passion that botany.

I'm an artist.
I'm a painter.

I'm a painter.
They go hand in hand.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh, here it's cool.

There's your model, q.
So, this is...

So on my lunch breaks,
I get to paint my model.

This is my model right here.

Look at... did he make him buff?

I'm almost done with this one.

What do you think?

This is how I see him.

Look at those baby-blue eyes.

Look at the rippling muscles.

That spiky hair,
that Sonic the hedgehog hair

that he hasn't changed
since high school.

Murr: Q, go up to the easel
and start painting!

While people watch.

Thank you, thank you.

- Look at Joe's face.
- Crazy person.

There you go. Thanks, buddy.
Oh, back to work for me.

Sal, tell these people a huge

hawk snagged a chipmunk

right there.

♪♪

- Huge...
- Oh, my god!

- I'm sorry.
- Huge hawk snagged

a chipmunk over here earlier.

Just be on your look...
Just be on the lookout.

Sal, can you scare her again?

♪♪

- The...
- Oh, my god!

The chipmunk...
Chipmunk never had a chance.

She fell for it twice.

How are you two today?

Good. If you have
any questions, let me know.

Ask those two if they're
donors to the park,

and then chastise them
no matter what their answer is.

By any chance, are you guys
donors to the park?

You're not donors?

Interesting.

But you're here
reaping the benefits.

Don't guilt trip you?
I'm not trying to.

I'm just calling it like
I see it. God bless.

Yeah, they were pissed.

Scream across the lawn, "see
those plants? They cost money!"

- S... s...
- Come on, do it.

Excuse me.
See those plants?

They cost money.

Um...

Murr:
He spotted a camera guy.

I think you mean, like,
sur... like, the security?

Well there's like, this stuff,
and then there's all these

people with, like, you know,

ear pieces
and backpacks and stuff.

Obama's here today.
Obama's here today.

I think Obama might be here
today or something like...

They were filming something.

- Oh.
- He's volunteering.

- Oh, no way. Really?
- Yeah, yeah.

- Yeah, that's super cool.
- So might catch him.

He's great.

That's right.

Obama. Obama!

What is that?

Wait, what are...
What are you asking me?

What is that?

I have no clue what that is.

I feel like I failed
you guys with information.

Narrator: Sal didn't
have a green thumb,

so he's first up
on the loser board.

Today, we're teaming up
at willowbrook

in Wayne, New Jersey,
trying to dip our fries

in a stranger's food
without permission.

One of the guys is gonna
be causing a distraction,

while the other guy
sends his fry in for a dip,

but he can't get caught.

The game continues until
your team gets caught.

The team with
the fewest dips loses.

I just farted really bad.

- Ahh.
- That's terrible.

- Joe.
- That's terrible.

♪♪

Fries in hand... two fellas.

We look like food-courters.

One of them has to distract.

The other person has to dip.

Okay.
They're moving in.

Yeah, you can dip into
some spare teriyak'.

We're in.

Maurine, where the did you go?

Oh. I was supposed to
meet you in foot locker.

You're not...
My apologies. I'm sorry.

Well done!
The ninja dip!

"Maurine, where
the did you go?"

- Have you seen maurine?
- Did you find maurine yet?

No. I was looking
for her earlier.

You look exactly like her.

Did you see a woman
who had your black hair...

You're also wearing
the same shirt as maurine.

Like, a gray shirt like that?

- Two dips.
- Oh-h*!

Sal: That was risk-ay.
But luckily she turned again.

She had two French fries
on her broccoli.

I mean, it's uncanny how much
you look like maurine.

Could you just smile so I
could take a picture for her?

- Oh, my god.
- Here you go. Ready?

- Q, go all in!
- Can I get in?

Get in, get in.
Here you go. Ready?

Here you go.
Ready? 1, 2, 3...

Mauriiiiine!

That's great.
She's not gonna believe it.

- Enjoy your lunch.
- Three dips on one person.

Well done, guys.

- I got... I got what you need...
- What's that?

I hear tape being ripped.
I see a roll of duct tape.

Sal: Oh, god.

- I got... I got what you need...
- What's that?

I hear tape being ripped.

I see a roll of duct tape.
- Okay.

Oh, god.

- This is ballsy.
- My man...

My man...
Quick... quick solid.

Quick solid.
Help me out with that.

I got... yeah, I got...
Just hel... yeah.

- Guy's not questioning...
- Pull it out.

- Yeah, go ahead.
- Go!

Yeah, pull it. Out.
Yeah, like that.

- Oh!
- Oh, my god.

Q gets it.

♪♪

She's got a mirror.
Be careful.

She's got a mirror.
Sal: Oh, my god. She does.

Murr: Q, you look
so creepy right now.

♪♪

- Oh, she's looking.
- Oh, she's looking!

She's looking!
Here comes q!

- Hey...
- Ohhh!

- Ohhh!
- He's caught!

I'll throw this out for you.

Four dips.

Q: All right.
What happened?

I thought
you weren't eating that.

I thought you were
working out every day.

No, that's done.
Okay.

Here goes murr.
He brought bubbles.

Murr... blow them that way.

They're coming back at me.

No. Blow them that way.

The air-conditioning's
blowing it back.

Well, this is easy.

I'm gonna walk up here
right now and get the dip.

These two are lined up
and ready to go.

- Okay, sal...
- Hold on. Let me get a long fry.

- Oh, Murray's got props.
- It's all about distraction.

Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah!

Ah, ah, ah, ah!

Oh!

Sal: There's no way
for me to get that.

Sal?

What the hell, man?

Q: They are not a well-oiled...

Okay, now murr's dipping.

♪♪

Hey, guys.

You want to see
a nice distraction?

Do you?

This guy knows that
I'm talking about.

This guy right here. See him?

Right there.
- Yeah, I see him.

You guys got this guy
right here?

- I got him!
- There he goes!

- Do you see this guy?
- Murray got it!

He got it!
One. One.

He doesn't know!

My man right here doesn't
know what's goin' on!

Hey! He got another one!

Now he's smiling at you!
He's enjoying it!

You guys... you guys...
You see the guy right here?

- Oh!
- He's caught!

You got caught!
You c*ck son of a b*tch!

I mean, what is he doing?
Look at this guy.

You're caught, and you're done.

You c*ck b*stard.

Narrator:
Sal and murr got fried,

which makes sal
tonight's big loser.

Happy day!

We are here on the streets of
Brooklyn for sal's punishment.

Yes, we are.

Sal, this one
is very, very simple.

Proceed with caution.

You just have to follow
this caution tape.

- That's it?
- That's it. That's it.

Now I know this is over the top.

Aw, no. Oh god, no.

- Here we go!
- Here we go, buddy.

Follow that tape.

Oh, no.

That's done.

There's no way
I'm going in there.

Joe: The arrow's
pointed down, right?

- Guys... guys...
- Come on! Get in there!

This is the easy part, pal.
This is the easy part.

Oh. My. God.

Just get down there!

Oh.

And so it begins!

There he goes.

Look at him going
into the street!

I... I'm not going.

Why would you do something
that you know I can't do?!

You are halfway in the sewer,
yelling at us!

- Get back in there!
- Come on! Get in there!

♪♪

Oh

I'm scared of heights!
I'm gonna fall!

Keep your tribal tattoos movin'.

What the is that?

It's middle-aged
karate tortoise!

Cowabunga, dude.

Sal: How long have you
been standing here?

Actually, sal, we just
showed up and he was here.

Just stay put.
I might need you.

He has no idea what's waiting
for him in this basement.

- This is creepy.
- What the is this now?

- I see two people in a cage.
- Oh, you should go take a look.

Well, get closer.

Should see who it is
because, you may know them.

Wait, those are my nieces...

Sal's nieces!
In the cage!

Are you okay?
Why are you here?

All right.
So what's the... padlock here.

Where's the key?

The key right there,
that's hanging right there?

Well, it looks like you guys
are staying in there.

Oh, my god!

- Oh, my god!
- It's a zombie apocalypse!

Oh! My! God!

Oh, my god!

- Oh, my god!
- It's a zombie apocalypse!

Oh, my god! Oh! My! God!

Joe:
Get on the top of it!

Get away from me,
you sons a b*tches!

Oh, you got to be me right now.

Get the out of here,
you stupid son of a b*tch.

Oh, this is out of control.

I'm hyperventilating.

Q: Oh, are you gonna let
your nieces get eaten

by these zombies or are you
gonna get that key

and save their life?!

Aah!

We had those fun
conversation like,

"if there's a zombie
apocalypse..."

No. No, I'm not
gonna do anything.

Get the key, sal!
Get the key!

What the is this?

Murr: Oh, bud...

- Oh.
- Oh, nice.

- He got it.
- That's it!

But how are you gonna get down?
They're blocking the exit.

- I hate you people.
- I wish you had some big,

raw meat that you could
throw over the railing.

Oh, god.

Oh, god! Oh, god!
Aah, it's real raw meat!

Q: So, what we're learning is,
in an actual emergency,

sal's nieces would be dead.

And by the way,
look at how your nieces

are handling this
so much better than you.

- Get it, get it.
- There you go!

- There you go!
- Nice, buddy!

Joe: Get rid of it, buddy.
Throw it over.

Murr:
Distract the zombies!

You hungry, b*tches?

- Here we go!
- Here we go, here we go!

You need a weapon, buddy!
You need a weapon!

- This bat?
- Get it through the head!

- That's how you k*ll zombies!
- That's how you k*ll zombies!

Head down!

- There you go, buddy!
- Got to him 'em in the head!

Q: You look like
an action hero, buddy!

This is it!
- I'm scared of heights!

My legs are buckling.
I'm scared of heights.

Aah!

Uh-oh!

- Zombies!
- What?

Come out and play-ayyyy!

Sal: Oh, get the
out of here!

- Oh, no!
- Oh, my god!

Sal, there's too many of them!

Unlock the cage, buddy!

I hate this.

♪♪

Stay there.

We got to push the cage.

Come on! Stay with me!
I'll protect you!

Finally he thinks about
his nieces and them being safe.

Murr:
Come on! Go, sal! Go!

- Ohhh!
- You're almost there, sal!

Sal: We got to push it
up against the wall!

There you go!
You're almost here, bud!

Go, go!
Get out of here! Go!

Screw you, zombies!

Oh you!
You're infected!

- Hey!
- Hey!

- Come on up.
- Don't worry.

The girls are safe.

- There you go.
- You survived!

- Yeah, sal!
- There you go, buddy.

I saw the whole thing.
I'm so disappointed.

You ever wish you had a son?

Yes.

Well, this is humiliating.

♪♪

Welcome to impractical insider.

You just saw sal
get punished in this sewer.

And now you get a behind-the-
scenes look of how it happened,

and bonus footage
from tonight's episode.

Should I do one
without the mask?

No? Great.

This is... the raw meat
is being mixed into this

so it looks more pbht.

Wow. We've never done something
like this on "jokers."

Is this part of the body?

Oh, cool. I see some ears

or something forming in there.

This is gonna be for the...

Torso?

The meat trap I guess,

for the zombies.

Yeah.
I like seeing steam and blood.

So, how you feeling
right now, buddy?

I'm feeling awesome.
Zombified.

Do you want to do this

or like, is this
just part of your job?

Oh, no, no. This is, like,
early Christmas for me

because Halloween
is my Christmas.

You got the full disease?

Yeah. I'm gonna eat people.

Sal: I hate this!

You have live maggots
on your face.

Yes, I do.

- Them are worms!
- Oh, they're worms?

Uh-huh. My auntie got
them from the store.

Okay.

This is only the beginning.

It's gonna be
dripping and oozing.

Wow.

How did you guys
get in touch with

the "impractical jokers" team?

We run the New York City
zombie crawl.

So we've been
doing the zombie crawls,

zombie events
in the New York area,

and around the world,
for the last 11 years.

But wait. Tell us.

Who has this guy been, for
people at home who don't know.

Cowabunga, dude.

- This is Rob emmer.
- Uh-huh.

He was the first hire
on "impractical jokers."

- All so long ago.
- So long ago.

But on our show,
he has played fat crow.

- He has played, who else?
- He was in the jell-o pool.

- The jell-o pool.
- Jell-o pool.

Karate tortoise,
if you need him.

That's right.

Love you, buddy.
Thanks for being a part of it.

Thank you.
Always happy to be here.

Are you still single?

Sadly, yes.

Ladies, hit him up.
Rob emmer. Ready to go.

Right? He'll get
in your jell-o pool.

- Yeah! That's right!
- That is awesome.

Yes! Happy day!

We are here
for sal's punishment!

The last time I followed a rope,
it was in the corn maze.

I don't do... aaah!

Guys, I can't believe
we're doing another scare.

Joe: Why are you making
all these assumptions?

'Cause this is clearly a haunt!

How is this available for us?

That's the least
of your problems.

This is very unsanitary.

What did you just get scared of?

Everything.

Wait, those are my nieces...

Oh, my god.

Murr: Sal's nieces!
In the cage!

- Oh, my god.
- Sal...

- What?
- Do you want to play a game?

Is that true? Is that true?

Is this "saw"?

We all appreciate how willing
your family is to embarrass sal.

Aw, I love it.

You ever wish you had a son?

Yes.

We have a couple tricks
up our sleeve.

You're gonna need them.

So one dip.

One dip...

It's one dip!

Yeah, but I'm dipping
10 fries right here.

It's the dip,
not the amount of fries.

Guys are already up two dips.

You don't want to give me
this as 10 dips?

No. Why would I?
It's one dip.

I took the time to
rubber-band these fries.

I took the time to have a baby.

Doesn't mean I'm a good father.

Touché.