05x25 - Training Day

[bunniefuu]

Narrator:
Coming up, what's got sal

flying by the seat of his pants?

Murr:
Look at how weird this is!

Narrator:
Will Joe take the lunge?

Mommy likes it tight.

Narrator:
And which losing jokers

will go up in flames
in tonight's triple punishment?

Sal:
Prepare for something amazing.

Q: Hey, mustache, what's up?

Murr:
I want my mommy!

Sal:
I will never forgive you!

Joe: Larry!

Today we're at food bazaar,

messing around with
the officially licensed

"impractical jokers"
jingle vest.

We've got to
sneak up on shoppers

while wearing that vest,

and we have to complete
the crazy task

the other guys give us.

But if the stranger
hears you bells and catches you,

you lose?

Bells?

What bells?

- There he is.
- There he is.

- Yeah, there he goes!
- Nice, moonwalking it out.

Look, there we go.

- Ah!
- Yeah!

Murr:
Here's what we want you to, bud.

Sneak up to somebody,
take your pants off,

and put them in their cart.

No need to be angry about it.

Murr:
He's moving in... loudly.

Joe: You sound like
a "jingle bell" Godzilla

coming at her.

She's gone. She is so gone.

Q:
Are you even making an effort?

No!

No!
Oh, my god.

Are you kidding me?!

Are you kidding me
right now?
Oh, my god.

I can't wait
to see you do this.
Don't... ow!

Look what you did to me!

I'm bored.
Nothing's happening.

Look what you did to my lip!

How much more indignity
can I take?!

All right, sal.

Take your pants off
and put 'em in somebody's cart.

What about this guy?

- Oh!
- There you go, there you go!

Murr: There you go!
Go! Go, sal!

- Go, go, go, go, go!
- Here we go.

Murr:
Come on.

Shh, shh, shh!

Shh!

Look at how weird this is!

Oh, my god.

- You're making so much noise!
- Too much noise.

Get the belt in.
Get the belt in, too!

Bonus points for the shoes,
bonus points for the shoes!

Q: Wait. Look down, look down!
Look down!

I can't believe
he got away with it.

He's gonna take
a picture of sal.

He's taking a picture!

Murr: Look at this!
Oh, my god.

Check this out.
Hey, hey.

Hey, you know,
I'm just shopping.

But I will take
my pants and clothes back.

-Ha!
And that's a win.

- Wow, buddy! Wow.
- That's a win.

- There's Joe.
- Joey!

Q: Yeah.

Joe, flip a cart over... 180.

Here we go.

Oh, here we go, here we go,
here we go!

Oh!
She didn't see,
she didn't see!

Oh, my god! Oh, my god!

- Oh, my god! Oh, my god!
- Aah!

It fell.

I saved it
before it hit the ground.

You're welcome.

Murr: Yeah!

You look like Elton John
took a turn for the worse.

Q:
I feel kind of like a peacock,

like I'm trying to be
as noticeable as possible

to attract a female
of a species, you know?

Wow!
You... wait a second.

Who is this guy?
Joe: What I'm looking at
is so foreign

because I've never q's body
move like that.

Thank you. Thanks so much.

Thank you.

Joe: All right, bud.
Here we go.

Sneak up behind somebody
and start air-humping.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah!
- Ah!

Get into it!
Use the arms!

That's not fair. He can't hear.

- He's probably hard of hearing.
- He's hard of hearing!

He can't hear.

- What...
- That's a straight-up win.

Joe: There he is.

Q: You look like
Austin powers.

You're losing bells everywhere,
buddy.
Stop. You're losing bells.

You're dropping bells.
You're losing bells
all over the place.

You're ejecting bells

like you're ejecting
hair follicles, buddy.

He's got bell-pattern baldness.

Bell-pattern baldness.

Look, how about
this girl's backpack?

Put something
in this girl's backpack.

- Ah, here we go, here we go!
- Here we go, here we go!

Careful,
"jingle all the way."

- Aah!
- Oh, no!

Sal:
How is she not hearing him?

Joe: She caught him.
Surprise!

Now she's stealing that.

I should tell you, by the way,

I slipped sausage
in your backpack.

Narrator: Joe and murr weren't
the "bells" of the ball,

so they're jingling
all the way to the loser board.

Today we're playing
one of our favorite games

where we go up to strangers
and say,

"don't I know you?"

The other guys will be

writing embarrassing details
on the cue cards

that will explain
how we know this person.

The goal is to get
the complete stranger

to admit that they in fact
know you.

If they don't say that in fact,
you lose.

Oh! God!

He's hit me so many times
in these things

that I just wanted to get him
back for once.

The first time
we played this bit,

none of us needed glasses
to play it.

Four seasons later,
two of us need glasses.

I need binoculars
more than anything.

Guys, do you know if Avenue a
is this way or this way?

Avenue a is that way.
So you just walk...

So is that just down two blocks?

Yep.
We actually met.
I'm James.

We met at Victoria justice's
fangirl symposium.
Uh, nope.

Woman #2: She's great.

I was the guy
that kept "man-splaining"

everything to you.

These days,
I dominate white baseball games.

- Basketball.
- Basketball.

Basketball games.
Basketball.

Get new glasses!

It's very confusing!

He walks on set

talking about
how he's got new glasses.

He can't read a billboard
from 10 feet.

Guys, do you know
where Avenue d is?

I'm not sure which...
I'm not sure which...

Just keep walking
straight that way.

We actually met.

We actually met like a year ago.

It was, um...

It was the Christmas wrap
battle.

Everybody was wrapping gifts
as quickly as they can.

Yeah, it's Christmas wrap
battling...
right.

W-r-a-p.

Oh, so not rapping.

No, wrapping
with tape and scissors.
Yeah.

I was the guy that, um...

I was the guy that wanted you
to kiss my laundry.

Remember,
I had all this laundry,

I needed you to kiss?

I can't remember your name.

It started
with like an "e" or...
Elan.

Elan, that's it.
Well, sure, that's it.

Well, I knew it started
with an "e."

These days, I'm planning
to rescue my sister.

She's been taken.
From where?

I don't know.
If I knew, I'd go find her.

You don't know where she was
taken from? Or do you...

I don't know where she was...
I know where she was...

We're still
in the planning stages.

You're pretty lackadaisical
hanging out in the park

for someone who's sister
needs to be rescued.

So, elan.

Yes, that's me, yes.
Do you remember me?

How could I forget?

Good to see you again, bud.

Take care, man.

I've made a big mistake.

I look like a weed dealer.

I should've dressed up
a little more.

You started making that mistake
about 20 years ago.

That's when I was dealing weed.

Hold on.
Ma, let me call you right back.

Dude, how you been, man?

You need any weed?

Excuse me.
Do you know where Avenue d is?

Oh, that way?
Don't I know you?

God, we... didn't we meet
at that idiot's funeral?

That... we went to that funeral
of that real friggin' idiot,

and we were standing
there making fun of
his corpse together.

I brought eight dozen oysters,
but it turned out to be rotten.

'Cause I thought I was gonna
celebrate that idiot was dead,

and I brought all the oysters.

We were gonna party,
but they were rotten.

Well, listen, I'll have
a Tequila on the rocks.

Are you sure you don't know me?

Now you're ordering drinks
from him?

Excuse me, do you know
where Avenue... Avenue d is?

Is that a thing?

It's over there.
Don't I... I know you.

We met at that, uh,
that fat & forty single night.

You were at that, right?

It was like fat and 40 guys.

Well, me, not you, I guess.

I was the...

I caught the knife in the groin.

Remember that?

Oh, yeah.
You remember?!

Oh, dude!
You remember that?!

Somebody just threw
a knife right at my groin,

and I caught it.

Ah! It's good to see ya!

I... I own my own, uh...

I own my own
llama jerky business now.

You like some llama jerky?

No, not really.
No, all right.

- Hey, it's good seeing you!
- Yeah, you too.

All right! Thanks, pal!

- Yeah!
- Got him.

Murr: He remembers you.

You can't forget the guy
who caught a knife in the groin.

Swear to god,
I just got gas in Hamilton.

Oh, my god. Excuse me.

I know you?

We met at daddy's cape house.

Oh, I don't think so.

You didn't meet me
at my daddy's cape house?
No.

Oh, it was like two summers ago.

'Cause I was the guy
that licked Ronnie's marbles.

Nope.
Sal: Really?

I mean...

Oh, because, well, nowadays,
I'm a part-time moo-moo model,

so maybe you might've seen me.

You sure you don't know me?

Yes.
Sal.

How does daddy feel about
your moo-moo career?

Oh, dude. I know you.

How are you?

Sal.
We met. We met at, uh...

Tony gunk's arraignment.

Do you know Tony?

It was like six months ago.

Oh, man. We, uh...

I roofied myself by accident.

I don't think that was me.

Yeah, now... I mean, nowadays,

I'm just laminating
my grandfather's dirty doodles.

Yeah, what about you?

Oh, okay.
Are you sure you don't?

Are you sure?

Sal. Sal.

I know.

She just said
you're way too loud.

Oh, but, come on.
It was so funny.

You're blowing up my spot.

Hey, it's on you to sell it,
not us.

You!

We know each other.
I know you.

Yes!

Sal.

We met at "Jewish's" house.

At who?
Jewish's.

Our friend.
No, we did, we did.

It was like last summer.

Um...

I sold you loose ground Chuck.

It was... but it was, like,
for charity.

It was like a thing...
A game we were playing.

I had a bag of
loose ground Chuck.

We passed it around.

I sold you... you bought it.
You bought it.

You don't remember me?

Aw, I'm trying to give you
something that'll ring bell.

Uh...

Nowadays, I just dance
for perverts online,

but it's, like, all sanctioned.

Are you sure? It's sal.

Are you sure
you don't remember me?

But you might?

Sal: Okay. All right.

Boy, is this all about
the body language. You ready?

Q: Is it, Joe?

You will never, ever

get anyone to engage you
like that... ever.

Hey, man.

Remember... you remember me?

Yeah. Right?

Sal: I can't believe it.

Um, we met, uh...
At the rally for guys like us.

There was that big rally
in the park.

It was for guys like us,
me and you...

Just two regular fellas.

We woke up
in the same sleeping bag.

They had the...
It was an overnight thing,

and we woke up
in the same sleeping bag.

You don't remember?

Nowadays,
I keep it tight for mommy.

Mommy likes it tight.

He stayed that way
the whole turn.

My man. My man.

Avenue a is that one?

Oh, I know you.
Don't I know you?

Yeah, I know you from, uh...

The, uh...

The on line for tickets

opening night of
"here comes the boom."

We were on line
in opening night for tickets

for "here comes the boom."

No, Kevin James film.
It was great.

No, you know, I was the guy

that changed the baby
in the doghouse.

They had
the promotional thing set up.

Yeah, over there!
Yeah, yeah!

Maxwell? What's your name?

Bobby! Yeah, I'm Joe.

Right, right.

Nowadays, I'm getting weird
with tar for cash.

Yeah, I mean, how you been, Bob?

Good to see you.
Everything good?

Good, man.

You know me, right?

Yeah! Sure, he knows me!
"Here comes the boom."

He's got to be me. 'Cause everybody
thinks he's a crazy in the park.

Look at this.

Sunday morning we did it, yeah.

You been all right?
Be good, man.

Narrator: No one knew sal,

so he's joining his pals
on the loser board.

Today we're in the park
giving notes to strangers.

The thing is, we don't know
what the note says,

because they've been written
by the other guys.

If you can't get the stranger
to keep the weird note,

you lose.

- Here he goes.
- Here we go.

The hand-off of the note.

Paper-airplane delivery.

Murr: That was weird.

Joe: The note reads,
"you've been chosen

by the random buddy police
as a prospective friend.

Pizza and chicken "wingies"
are my thingies,

and my TV is always
set to awesome.

Got my own room
and a bird you could pet."

I'm totally...
I mean, I'm a normal dude.

Q: Yeah.

Chicken wingies are my thingies.

Sal.

Hi, ally.
Nice to meet you, too.

Did we just make a random buddy?

Just being playful.

Oh, my god.

That charming son of a b*tch.

So just keep that note,

and, uh, if you want to join...

Okay.

- What?!
- There it is. I told you!

He's straight-up sexy.

804...

Murr: I can't believe it.

She asked for his number!

You too.
Nice to meet you.

Joe: Not only did
she keep the note...
you got a date.

There he is.

That's for you, my man.

This note's for you.

Give it a read.
Murr: Joe, the note says,

"please don't
return to this park.

This is kind of my turf,
and we look too much alike.

We look too much, man.

I don't want people
getting us confused.

You know what I'm saying?

This is my park, my turf.

You're keeping that note, right?

And he kept it.

- Oh, wow.
- Oh, he keeps I.

- Good one, Joey.
- Okay.

Smooches.

Beep.

Oof.

Q: All right, Joe.
She's gonna love this one.

That's for you.

Joe: There you go.
Take a read. That's for you.

Q: It says,
"getting surgery tomorrow.

I've put you down
as my emergency contact.

Burner phone
is in your bag."

So I'm just going
for a quick "surge" tomorrow.

In case things go bad...

Aw! Ai, ai, ai!

I'll need you to, uh...
You know, to call you.

Ah.
I'll call you.

I might need you to, you know,
put my affairs in order, okay?

Me? Rezar para ti.
Yeah,
oh, you'll pray for me?

Uh-huh.
Okay, good.

Will you keep that note for me?

Yeah, okay.
Keep that note.

Sal: Nicely done, Joe.

She's my emergency contact.

Give her a call if you need me.

Narrator:
Joe and sal passed this test,

but they're still joining murr
in a three-way tie for loser.

♪♪

It's training day!

Oh, revenge is sweet,
my friends.

The open mockery
I received from you guys

in the form of a play

is coming back to bite you
on the behinds today.

I heard you were
a great fireman.

No.
I'm an actor on television.

Are we gonna do a musical?
You're not doing a musical.

I figured the only way
to teach you guys

what it means to be a fireman

is to put you through
the fire academy.

I have selected for each of you
your own unique test today.

Is this healthy?

Breathe it in, boys!

My hands are already dirty!
It's the smell of pride!

Do you have any wet "naps"?

Let's just get this started.

All right, boys.

One of the most important things
you can do with a fire

is vent the roof.

You cut a hole in that roof,

all that heat and noxious gases
just goes right up.

Very important.

Why am I over here?
Because you, my friend,

are going to attempt
to vent a roof today.

Okay.
Now, because we're friends
and because I love you,

I'm going to allow you to pick

which hole
you want to cut, Joe.
Okay.

Does it matter?
Is there a difference?

All right,
show Joe his options, please.

My wife and the dogs?
That's one option.

Let's see door number two,
please.

Well, there's your daughter,
Joe, so...

Murr: Look at her face.

You can't put an ax
through that face.

It's a "jophie's choice."

It's like
do you burn down the factory,

or do you throw out
the bad product?
I don't know which.

'Cause I could always make
another one of these with this.

Come on, Joe.
Heat's building inside!

Oh, those guys better
get some iced teas
'cause I don't know.

She's not gonna remember, right?

Q: No.
She remembers everything,
so I'm just gonna go...

Oh, my god. From this angle,
it's not as easy.

She's looking right in my face!

Q: Come on, buddy!
Fire's building!

"Dada, no."

Murr: Close your eyes.

She's not gonna have eyes
in two seconds.
No!

No!
I can't watch.

Oh, my god.

Come on! Get it up!

Oh! I'm sorry!
There's men dying inside!

- Come on.
- There's men dying!

- Yeah! Vent that building!
- I'm sorry!

I'm so sorry!

You don't have to
do it right between
the eyes every time!

You could have done, like,
by the side, by the stroller.

Now you're making me look like
a bad father.

I'm sorry! I'm so sorry!

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

They're making me do it.

It's a stupid show.

I don't mean it.

I love you with all my heart.
I'm sorry.

Oh, oh

heads up!

Sal:
Everyone you saved is dead.

Q: Walk it off.

All right, Joe. Good job.
Come on down.

Well, murr's up.
Yeah, literally.

Murray! You still
afraid of heights?

Murr: Yes.
All right,
well, you got to rappel

down the side of the building,
my friend.

If I just tell you now
I respect you, is that enough?

No, you can tell me
when you get down.

Oh, my god!

This is not good, q.
I can't do it.

No, murr,
it was a funny play, though,

you made me sing
in front of the firehouse.

It was funny.

Is this tight?
Is this tied?

Let go.

Aah!

I mean, we did this on day one
in the academy, murr.

Come on.

Joe: There you go!
You got it, buddy.

Me.
Sal: Dude, just walk down, pal.

Joe: Walk down.

- Oh, my god!
- Oh! He lost a boot!

He lost...

My boot fell!

Aah! No, get ooff me!

- It's sloppy Joe!
- Sloppy Joe!

- Sloppy Joe.
- You got it!

No! Aah! Aah!

Stop squirting me!

This is not funny!

Oh, yeah, this is also revenge

for the time you made me
eat the back of my Jeep.

Murr: Oh!

Aah!

It's fat crow?!

Q: It's fat crow!
He came to save the day!

Fat crow!

What's up, buddy?

Thanks, fat crow.

Who is this?

No!

No! No!

Get away from my a*s!

It's the doctor
who gave murr a prostate exam.

No! No! Get away!

Quick feet, murr!
Quick feet!

I don't need it!

Watch your a*s, murr!

Murr:
My... get away from my a*s!

He's got him like some
sort of perverted piñata.

Aah!

Get away from me!
Get away from me!

Q: All right,
that is what I'm talking about.

Me.

Oh!

All right,
very proud of you boys so far.

Joe:
We're doing great, huh?
Then there was one.

Ready for this, sal?
Yeah.

Oh! Sal!

Sal, my cat's stuck in a tree!

You have to save her!

It's like that, huh?

Oh! He runs!
He runs into action!

Joe: Of course
he's chasing after that!
Wow!

Please,
you have to save fluffy.
Murr: Oh, no!

Oh, no! A cat in a tree!

Thank you, sal.
All right.

She's up there.

Oh

Woman: Please!

Murr: Ah!
It's a cat in a tree!

How the do you think
I'm gonna get up there?

Well, that's a good question.

What's this right here?
Oh! No, no, no, no.

No, no, no, no!
- Genius genius.

Sal: Ohh.

Murr: What?
The cat is gonna burn.

Joe: This is six stories.

Oh, my god.

It was a funny play.

It was a funny play
you guys wrote about me.

Q: There you go.

All right, you ready, buddy?

Joe: Here we go, sal.
Murr: Come on you can do it!

Hey, I'm Brian.
Very nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you.
Thank you for
the help today.

I'm a real fireman.

Really?
Yeah.

Cool.
I know.

Here he goes.

Don't stop. Don't look down.

- I c... I can't do this.
- Hold the ladder.

- That's it. Yeah.
- That's where you hold.

- Right there. Hold.
- I know, but I can't do it.

Sal: Guys, I-I can't do it.

Q: Just the rungs.

Don't go on the sides...
The rungs.

Sal: Look, I can't.
I'm already frozen.
I can't even do it.

There's no way
in the world I'm doing this.

I'm sorry.

Your cat's dead.

This is gonna
teach him a lesson.

You want to get down?
Get down!

What are you gonna do right now?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

- Aah!
- Son of a b*tch.

Joe:
Sal, why didn't you go?!

Murr: Why couldn't you climb
the damn ladder?!

What the is going on?

Buddy, I didn't think you were

really gonna be able
to do this.
You didn't?

Yeah, I just wanted to teach you
a little bit about respect.

It ain't easy getting a cat
out of a tree, is it?

No.

Aah! You...

Ow!

Ow!

- All right! All right!
- All right! All right!

- We... we respect you!
- We respect you!

- That could be the start of it.
- Thank you!

That's all I wanted, boys.

Oh, my god.