05x19 - Heckle and Hide

[bunniefuu]

Narrator: Coming up, what's got
sal noodling around?

Don't palm the... aww.

Why is Joe telling
the naked truth?

This is a fat roll, and this is
a stretch Mark.

And which losing joker
will strike out

in tonight's big punishment?

Sal:
Prepare for something amazing.

Q: Hey, mustache, what's up?

Murr:
I want my mommy!

Sal:
I will never forgive you!

Joe: Larry!

Today, we're at food bazaar
supermarket,

trying to get strangers to
hold on to something for us

while we go run
and grab something we forgot.

The catch is, the weird items
we're asking them to hold

have been chosen for us
by the other guys.

If you can't get a stranger
to hold on to your item

until you get back, you lose.

Could you hold this?

Oh, it's supposed to be weird?

Could you hold this?

Murr: All right, q.

There you go.

An urn.

That is what you have to get
somebody to hold for you.

Excuse me. Could you help me out
one second?

Um... this is
my grandmother.

Um, and it's her birthday.

So I want to go get her
a birthday gift,

but I don't want to
ruin the surprise.

Would you watch grandma for me
for just a couple minutes?

Are you with her?
Oh, great.

Would you mind holding grandma,
'cause I just...

Thank you.

I'll be right back.
I'll be right back.

- Look at this.
- They're just going about
their business.

- Yep.
- Holding grandma.

Sal: It's just crazy
that he's holding

the remains of a human being.

All right.

Thank you. Gram.
Thank you so much.

Happy birthday, grandma.
Look what I got you.

Just open it up and drink it
as you walk out, bud.

Oh, my god!

She's like,
"look, look, look!"

Cheers. Thanks, guys.

All right, q,
here's your next prop.

It's everybody's favorite...
A vibrating briefcase.

Excuse me, sir, do you know
where the beer... the beer...

You don't know?

Would you mind holding this
one second?

Just holding that for me?

He pulled his cart
all the way through.

Oh, cool hat, bro.

Could you hold that for me
for one second?

Just one second?

Could you hold this
for one second?

"Yeah, okay."

People have actually
cleared the area.

There's no one in a mile radius
of you right now.

All right.
Murr's up.

Guys...

All you got to do is get someone
to hold the baby while you go.

Could you do me a favor?

I, uh... I forgot
to get the beer.

I'm having a big party tonight.

Could you do me a favor
and just hold him real quick

while I go get the beer?

Yeah, just hold him
for one second.

I got to go get the beer.
- Wow.

Watch his head
'cause he's a newborn.

Remember.
Okay, I'll be right back.

Well, there you go, boys.

So she's just holding
a stranger's baby.

Unbelievable.

Any option besides Murray
is better for that baby.

- That's right.
- All right.

Thanks.
No, no, no, no, I can get him.

Here, I can get him.
- Only 'cause...

I got him, I got him, I got him,
I got him, I got him.

There we go, there we go.

Oh, oh!

It's okay. Watch your hands
there. There you go.

That baby has the same reaction
as everybody else.

They go back to you,
starts crying.

- Come on.
- There it is.

- It's a shirt full of condoms.
- Yes!

The old condom shirt.
- Yep, yep.

I have to go find
a certain beer.

Could you watch my shirt
for one second?

Could you just hold that
for one second?

I got to go grab the beer.

Yeah, you know what it is?

I got invited to
a sorority party tonight,

and I'm gonna be ready.
You know what I'm saying?

Thank you so much.
I appreciate that.

Give me one second.
Let me get the case of beer.

So when he's done, he'll have
a condom-covered shirt

and a case of beer.
I mean, he's ready to go.

Sounds like a party, actually.

I am getting lucky tonight!

All right, let me get it on.

What the hell?

I'm gonna be wearing it
all night.

Oh

These are
the non-lubricated ones.

"Usually, these are
so loose on me."

Usually, these are
very loose on me.

Ah. See?

I guess the shirt works
'cause there's a d*ck in it.

How come when I win,
I still lose?

That's right.

- And here he goes.
- There it is.

The head of the devil.

- Yeah.
- I got to be honest with you...

You look a little off right now.

He's got his coffee and his head
of the devil.

Yeah. Looks like something
ain't going right for you.

Excuse me.

I got the head
of this devil here,

and I have to go grab something
from over there,

but I can't grab it while
holding the head of the devil.

Can you hold the head of the
devil for me for one second?

I don't feel comfortable
holding the head of a devil.

Sorry.
- Ah!

I know we're not supposed
to help each other,

but I really think
it's your delivery.

You know what?
I'm gonna make no mention.

I'm gonna make no mention
of what it is.

Excuse me.
Here, just do me a favor.

Just do me a favor.
Take that one sec.

Take that one sec,
and I'll be right back.

It's the head of the devil.

You're the best.

Here we go, sal.
You ready for this one?

It's just a fistful of noodles.

That bottom noodle's gonna go.

- Can somebody...
- Oh!

Oh, you're dropping a trail
of noodles.

Why are you holding it
like that?

You're palming noodles.

Don't palm the... aww.

This is the best part of the
whole challenge right now,

this moment.

You want to come down and do it?

Want to do me a quick favor?

I got to find my wife.

It's like an udon noodle.

Do me one favor?

'Cause I don't want to lose
my place in line.

Could you hold that
for me one sec?

Thank you.
- Oh, my god!

- I'll be right back.
- No.

- Unbelievable.
- I can't believe...

It's unbelievable what people
will do.

It'll just be... I-I got her.

Hang on, hang on.

So, sal already won.
Let's have some fun.

Let's send over our producer,
Christine,

just to add to the confusion.

Murr:
His wife, Christine.

Go, "are those my husband's
noodles?"

Excuse me.
Are those my husband's noodles?

Yeah.

- Oh.
- "I'll take them."

- I'll take them.
- Those are your husband's?

- Babe.
- Oh, there you are.

- Thank you.
- I was like, "where'd you go?"

No, I know.
I went to get more, but...

Thank you so much, bud.
Thank you.

Man: You got it. Good work,
buddy. Good work.

All right, Joey.

- Look at that.
- So many questions are raised.

Did you get that in the store?

Did you bring it with you?

Did someone ask you to hold it?

What is going on out there?

Sorry. Excuse me.
Could you hold him for a minute?

Yeah, I got to go get the eggs.
I forgot.

I just don't want it
to hit the floor.

Just don't let it hit the floor.

Thank you.
I'll be right back.

I just got to grab the eggs
real quick.

Thank you.
It won't take too long.

I'll see you later, alligator.

Oh, look, she's already annoyed.

Thank you so much.
Just...

You're playing a risky game,
buddy.

If she puts that down, you lose.

And then the duck sauce.

That's it.
Oh, the...

Now he's showing off, right?

Thank you so much.
I appreciate it.

You're sweet.
Thank you.

Dude, I didn't think you were
gonna pull it off.

I thought she was ready
to drop that gator.

All right, fellas,
this was a good choice.

Oh-h*!
That's not new.

That was used.
That was... that was used.

There's no way.

I'll put my money down
on this one now.

How much?

You interested?
- How about $5?

$5. Makes it fun.

It makes it fun,
but it doesn't cut too deep.

$5 does not interest me
in the slightest.

It's worth it for me.

Come on, people!

Lot of pressure here, bud.
We got a bet going.

- Where'd you get the oil?
- Hmm?

I was looking for that.
Where'd you get that?

It's on the end?
Yeah.

All right, cool. You hold that
one second while I go grab it?

Yeah, thanks, bud.

Thank you, Joe gatto.

Narrator:
Q couldn't hold his own,

so he's first up
on the loser board.

Today, we're at American
cut steakhouse,

and we're teaming up
to lead a seminar

on how to start a new business.

We'll be showing a presentation
but have no idea what's in it,

because it's been made
by the other team.

At the end, we'll ask
the participants

to raise their hand if they feel

they've learned anything
of value.

Whichever team gets the fewest
hand raised, entrepre-loses.

- Nice.
- That's a great word.

- That's success.
- That's a great word.

Joe: Switch sides, switch sides.
Very important.

- Switching sides.
- No, no, sorry.

The other... the other way.

Murray, you're on the right
of the monitor.

Well, that was where
we were sitting.

- Sorry. Switch sides.
- It's all right. It's okay.

That's where you want him?
That's where you want him?

No, no, no, no, no.
Other way, other way.

Are you just around with us?

It's season 5.
How come we didn't realize that?

- Hi. How are you?
- Hi. Hello.

Hi. How are you?

- James Murray...
nice to meet you.
- Pleasure.

Welcome to time-wasting 101.

We've launched many businesses
together as partners,

and we've learned a lot
of lessons

that we think might help you
in your endeavors, as well.

"Starting your own business."

New ideas are very hard
to come by.

If it were easy, everyone
would do it, right?

So let's take turns
naming one new idea.

So, go ahead, Benny.

A mobile hamper.

A mobile hamper.
All right.

- They come to your car.
- That's pretty good.

That's actually
a really good idea.

Joe: Now hit next, q.
Hit next.

It's all been done.
It's called a hamper.

It's called AAA.

It's been done, stupids.

"Naming your business."

So here we go.

On the count of three,
yell what comes to mind.

Ready? 1, 2, 3.

- Benny's bananas.
- Yeah.

Benny's bananas.

Benny's bananas.

Okay. What do successful people
carry around?

Let's empty your pockets
onto the table.

Okay.

Joe:
Next b*llet point.

Let's analyze what we've got.

Look at Benny's bananas!

Benny's bananas, you got what
looks to be a plastic bag,

some... some snot rags.
- These are all in your pocket?

You got two chapsticks.

Four or five tissues.
- Is there more?

Oh, my god.
He took out his dirty tissues.

Oh, Benny's bananas.

Oh, Benny.

Benny's bananas.

Very interesting.

Psych.

It's all trash.

- Just throw that out.
- Just throw it out.

Okay. Let's take a look
at some "sharts."

Typo. Typo. Sorry.

Uh, "shart" one...

Look at Murray!

- Charts.
- Charts.

We got to fix the slide.

Q: Using a business name that
sounds like a racial slur

can be effective.
- Go ahead. Hit it.

"Gooky pops."

Sounds r*cist, but it's not.

You know, in the summer,
it melts a little bit.

"Oh, my hand's all gooky."
- What?

Yeah, it's gooky.
It's messy. Yeah.

- Thank you very much.
- Okay.

Murr: By a show of hands,
do you feel

you've learned something
of value today?

- No.
- No.

Sal: Hey!

Both:
Not even Benny's bananas!

That's it? None?

- Hey, guys. How you doing?
- How are you?

We're entrepreneurs.

What we do is we do
these little seminars

where we share some of
the pitfalls,

what we've been through
and stuff.

Let's do it.

Emerging markets.

This is important to figure out
where to go.

Old people.

What does this have to do
with anything?

You've heard of new money,
right?

New money.
Get the new money.

There's old money
that's out there.

They hoard it.

If someone dies
with a large estate

and has nobody left
in their family,

where does that money go?

Right into the state,
right into the government.

We want to get that money
from these old people

and pry it out of their hands.

Like, how...
What's the marketing strategy?

We'll get to it,
but other emerging markets.

Joe:
Simplicity is everything.

We once married the same woman.

No.

He married my ex-wife.

Simplicity. It really is.
If you keep it simple.

Like, I knew her already.

And as a friend, I told you
all the pitfalls

that I had in my marriage,

and they lasted like a couple
years longer than we did.

And now she's divorced us both,
so, friends win out.

Vanity purchases.

Oh, yeah, that's my wife's
engagement picture.

That was actually on discount
in the Caribbean.

It's not necessarily
a vanity purchase.

If anything, that was
deep-discount shopping.

This is his wife... his current
wife, not my ex-wife.

And this is... so you're saying
that the ring that you...

Q: Look at sal.

What you're saying is,
the ring you got your wife

as an eternal bond
of your love together...

I got it at a deep, deep
discount.

Deep discount in the Caribbean.

Both:
Nothing is "in possible."

That's... that's... I'm gonna...
My bad on that one again.

That's my bad.

All right.

Always have a backup in case
business doesn't work out.

This is a good way.

Q: Look at them.

Joe: Market growth.
Yep.

That's me in my comfy pants
in my old apartment.

Joe, hit next.

Why are there two lines
in your "v"?

I just don't understand.
- Two lines.

Oh, this is a fat roll,
and this is a stretch Mark.

Joe, hit next one more time.

And then that's where
I keep the "d."

We'd like to get feedback
from you guys, too.

Could you raise your hand for us
if you feel like

you've learned something
of value here today?

1, 2...?

- Oh, come on!
- Are you s...

Okay. Oh, so three.

I cannot believe it.

Narrator: Q and murr
went out of business,

which makes q
tonight's big loser.

Q is our loser, so for
your punishment, buddy,

we took you out to the ballgame.

Sal: But you're not gonna enjoy
it, because today,

you're playing the role of

the little league parent
that everybody hates.

Murr: So, q, you're gonna sit
in the bleachers

with the other parents,

and you have to do and say
what we tell you to.

And you cannot refuse
anything because...

- It's my punishment.
- Yeah!

Woman: All right!

Murr: Here he comes.

Joe: Daddy got out of work
early, came to enjoy the game.

Oh, what a good dad, right?

Here we go.

All right, you're gonna yell
at the pitcher

to ease up on the pitches.

He's throwing a little too hard.

Slow it down
with those pitches, guy!

Little fast, dude.

Just throw your hand up
and look around, like,

"every week this guy."

Every week this guy.

It's opening day.

Oh, if you thought that was
hard, you got a long day, pal.

- Which one's yours?
- The one at bat.

- Oh, the one at bat.
- Oh!

Really?!

Good hit.

She's not that good, but she's
not one of the worst.

Ohh.

All right.

She's not that good, but she's
not one of the worst.

Yeah!

Q, on the next pitch,

yell "strike!"
Before it reaches the plate.

Strike!

Oh, my god.

I can't even...
My heart's racing.

Joe: Remember, kids, you're
not here to make friends.

Let's play some ball.

All right.

Remember, kids, you're not here
to make friends.

Play some ball!

Father's staring at him.

I feel me becoming
a concern to people.

Hey, q, here comes somebody
for you.

Oh, q, that's your daughter.

Oh, that's my daughter.

Tell her, q, "come on.
Get back in there."

Come on.
Get back in the game.

Murr: "You're embarrassing me.
Get back in."

You're embarrassing me in front
of all these people.

Oh, my gosh!

Please just go back.
Please just go back.

Please?
Don't look at me with those...

She doesn't want to play.

Come on.
Get back out there.

Come on. You got this, honey.
Come on.

She was crying.

She's like a little
Meryl Streep!

Q, just go, "eh, her mom's
a whiner, too."

Oh, gosh.

Her mom's a whiner, too.

Oh, my god.
I can't even take it.

I can't even take it anymore.

Murr:
Is that q's daughter?

Start making a huge
announcement.

All right, this is my girl!

All right.

No hit, no puppy.

No hit, no puppy!

- Oh, yeah.
- "You want me to love you,
don't you?"

Oh, god, don't make me say that.

I don't know what to do.

You look like a gargoyle.

Macy, you want daddy
to love you or what?

Joe: Yell at your daughter,
"Macy, your heart's not in it."

Macy, your heart's not in it.
I can tell from here.

- Take her out of the game.
- Take her out of the game.

Let's go.

Macy, you're done.

You can be an artist
or a housewife.

You can be an artist
or a housewife or something.

Come on. We're gonna go try
basketball, everyone.

Come on, Macy.
We're gonna go try basketball.

She's doing fine?

Did you see her?

Come on, Macy.
Come on, come on.

No, no, she sucks.

Woman: Let her back in.

She's not coming back in.

Joe: She's not back in.
She's not coming back in!

Shut the door!
- She's not coming back in.

- Oh!
- Everybody's looking!

Q, get out of there.
Get out of there!

Come on, Macy.
Come on.

We're gonna go get you
some sugar, baby.

Come on.

All right, we're just gonna try
basketball, baby.

It's okay.