05x14 - The Coward

[bunniefuu]

Narrator: Coming up, why is sal
chillin' like a villain?

Narrator:
What's got q sniffing around?

You smell like Patrick Stewart.

What?

And which losing joker

will have a cow
in tonight's punishment?

Sal:
Prepare for something amazing.

Q: Hey, mustache, what's up?

Murr:
I want my mommy!

Sal:
I will never forgive you!

Joe: Larry!

Today, we're working behind
the counter at buffalo boss.

While serving up delicious
chicken, we're gonna have

to do and say whatever
the other guys tell us to.

If you refuse to do anything,
you lose.

Oh, I think the buffalo boss
wants to talk to you.

- Ohh.
- Oh, you're in trouble now.

♪♪

Hi, what can I get you?

Hey, Joe, your cash register
is voice activated.

It never seems to work.

Okay, what's your name?

Enter customer name.

S-h-a-n...

E-l-l-e.

E-l-l-e.
- Yes.

Go back.

Go back.

Enter customer name.

Joe, you can't get
past her name.

S-h-a... go back.

S-h...

S-h-a... go back.

S-h... go back.

Sorry, one sec.
We just got a new system.

Enter customer name.

S-h-a-n-e... oh, it just
picked up honey barbecue.

Go back.

Okay, there we go.
Now we're in.

Okay, what's your...
Hi, what can I get you?

Call it in, Joe.

Uptown combo.

Go back.

Okay, so you want...
Do you want hot wings?

Yeah.
Okay, so you want
hot sauce on it?

Oh.

Hot... hot sauce.

Oh, man, it's picking
everything up.

It just says
"blender noises" now.

It's saying blender noises

'cause it's picking up
everything.

Hot... hot sauce.

Go back.

Go back.

Hot sauce.

Did you want... where'd you go?

Hello, how are you?

Q: Joe, you see
that black box?

Open that up.

Oh, wow.

Yeah, that's some
fried twinkies.

Grab that, go back to the sink,

and just start eating
them shamefully.

Just make eye contact with her.

She's just staring right at him.

I'll be right with you.

Start going faster, Joe.
Start shoving them in.

Ask her if she's ready
to place her order.

Are you ready?

I have it from the twinkies.

What'd you...
Are you ready to order?

Oh, the cheese fries.
You wanted that for real?

You...

Cheese fry, okay.
So, one cheese fry?

Wipe your mouth.

Joe, start eating
the rest over the sink.

Try to finish it over the sink.

Joe, dry heave.

Now get the hand soap,
slap it all over your mouth

over the confectionery sugar...
To your left.

Come on, what are we...

Don't use water.
Just rub it all over your face.

Oh.

Joe, just duck your head under
that freakin' water faucet,

wash over your face.

Oh, god.

Is there a twinkie
nearby you can shove

in your face while you do it?

Oh, god.
Delicious.

Can I get my fries, please?

That's on me.

Everything, yeah.

I had a little bit
of a breakdown in the corner.

I'm sorry.

I wish I had it on video.

What do we got to do?

- So, they come in, "hello."
- Uh-huh.

There's a lot of pretty girls
working here, right, murr?

Yes.
Especially that girl
to your right.

- Yes.
- Can I get them digits?

Woman:
You're focusing now, right?

Can... can I get
your phone number?

Are you married?

You want to run your hand
through my scalp?

Do you want to run your hand
through my scalp?

Not sanitary.

You can put a glove on.

Oh, thanks.

I got to go.
- Oh, here you go, hon.

Q: Do you want to see
that play "Hamilton"?

The most expensive play?

Yeah... "I could get us
front row tickets."

Have you... have you ever heard
of the play "Hamilton"?

The musical?

I can get us first...
First row seats.

Combine that with the shortest
p*nis, and you got a win.

Hello, sir, how can I help you?

- Dude.
- Dude.

Joe: Sorry, you can't sleep
with my sister again.

You cannot sleep with my sister
again, by the way.

Good?
What can I get you?

Welcome to buffalo boss.
What do you want?

First off,
take your headphones off.

First thing, take your
headphones off so I can...

- Sorry.
- No worries.

And sorry again,
what would you like?

- The special?
- Put your headphones back on.

Oh, you can put
the headphones back on.

Go ahead, go ahead, go ahead.

I'm sorry, you're good.
There you go.

Okay, what kind of sauce.

- Barbecue sauce.
- Barbecue sauce.

All right,
take the headphones off.
Take it off.

Barbecue sauce?

- Yeah.
- Put them back on.

Oh, head... head...
Yeah.

And do you want anything
to drink with that?

Joe: Headphones.

Water?

We just ran out big headphones.
Murr, put the headphones on.

Yeah, okay.

All right, $4 is your change.

Thank you.

♪♪

Sal, a lot of pretty
girls work here, right?

Go see what Michelle's up to.

Don't... don't hit on my girl.

Okay.

Have you ever seen "Hamilton"?

Thank you.

Do you know... do you know
the play "Hamilton"?

It's a popular play.
Yeah.

I actually... I seriously do,
I have tickets to it.

If... I don't know... I mean,
if you were interested

in going, I'd love to take you.

- Really?
- Mm-hmm.

Come on!

Q: Oh, my god!

I can't believe it, man.

Can I help you?

Sal, rub your hands
together like you're up

to something evil
for this entire order.

Fries?
With cheese.

Throw an evil laugh in there.

Give me two 12 pieces.

Wait, does this negate
the six that you wanted?

No, evil, evil!

Does that negate the six?

Yes.

And I'll take
sweet potato fries.

What size
on the sweet potato fries?

What they got, small, medium?

- Yeah, small, medium?
- If I know.

Okay.

Okay, can you show me
the difference

between the small
and a medium fry?

It's one size fry only.

Oh, it is?

It's one size fry only.

Six piece?
Sure, regular or boneless?

Joe:
Yell over your shoulder, say,

"get ready for somebody
to pay with change."

Six piece regular
mild bleu cheese.

To stay or to go, sir?

- To go.
- To go. And your name?

- Sean.
- Sean.

He's stalling.

$7.62.

Get ready for someone
to pay with a credit card!

Sign right there for the credit
card that you used.

Joe: You lose.

What is your name?
I'm sorry.

Nelson, all right.

Dude, that is so crazy.
Dude, that is so crazy.
Nelson?

You have the same chest
as my father.

You...

You have the same exact chest
as my father.

Oh.

Cool, what can I get you.

I mean,
it's like a dead replica.

I mean, your chest is
exactly like his.

I mean, it's like
a dead replica.

Your chest is just
like my dad's.

I miss him.

Yeah, we have barbecue sauce.

An extra order
of chili cheese fries.

Murr: Q, try to get a peek
at his bare chest.

Can I... could you
lift your shirt?

Can I just see?
- I...

I just want to see your chest.

It's just I feel uncomfortable
showing my body like that.

Oh, you don't feel very comf...
Neither did my dad.

I had to tear his shirt off him.

Murr: This is so weird.

You live around here?

- You live around here?
- No, I don't.

I'm looking for a guy that can
get me an ill*gal bird.

I'm looking for a guy that can
get me, like, an ill*gal bird.

Okay, no, I'm not familiar
with the area.

Oh, you don't...
You don't know the area?

If you hear of a guy, Nelson,
do me a favor, come back.

Well, if you hear a guy,
do me a favor

and ask him, come back,
all right?

You know, in Arkansas,
I was a surgeon.

You know, in Arkansas,
I was a surgeon.

So, you're from Arkansas?

No.

You d*ck.

I'll take the teriyaki.

You here for the promotion?

Are you here for the promotion?

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

Okay, so if I guess
your birthday,

you get your order for free.

So, you know how it works.

If I guess your birthday,
you get the meal for free.

Well, you'll never guess
my birthday.

Sure, I'm gonna guess it.

Now, don't stop till
you guess their birthday.

Uh, April 17th.

Don't give me any hints.
Don't give me any hints.

September 9th?

October 3rd?

January 8th?

July 18th?

He's going to sit down!

Grab a seat.

I'll get this, I'll get this,
I'll get this.

January 6th.

January 28th.

January 28th.

- August 7th.
- August 7th.

So, August 7th.

November 3rd.
November 5th?

- Listen, man.
- We wanted the four.

January 30th.

January 31st.

Boom!

Yeah!

Free meal!
Free meal!

Free meal!

It's free!

Narrator:
Sal and murr were chickens,

making them first up
on the loser board.

Today, we are at fairway market
whispering

sweet nothings
into shoppers' ears.

The catch is the crazy thing
we have to whisper

will be given to us
by the other guys.

The goal is to get the shoppers
to whisper back to you.

You can't get
them to whisper back, you lose.

- What?
- If you can't get them to whisper back, you lose.

- What?
- If can't get them to whisper back, you lose!

Not so loud.

Q: Here he goes.

You're playing a dangerous game,
rock star.

You're playing
a dangerous game, rock star.

Buying raw meat like that,
it's a dangerous game.

There's all sorts of e.Coli.

You're welcome.

- Okay.
- Okay.

Great, okay.

Forget it, you failed.

Man alive, it's moist out here.

Man alive, it's moist out here.

What?

It's good for me
because I have...

I sleep with a humidifier.

What are you doing with your
life right now?

Wait till you guys

come down here, you stupid

- q.
- Yeah.

Do as good as you can
to beat sal.

I have a plan, sal.

Yeah, please, show me
how it's done.

Let's see what you got.
- Yeah.

You smell like Patrick Stewart.

Joe:
He's laying a groundwork.

Oh, you smell
like Patrick Stewart.

Patrick Stewart.
I smell a little bit of...

He's got dogs.

Murr: Wow.

You just dipped your toe
in the pool, my friend.

You got a taste of that
temperature out there.

Here we go.

I ate a whole one in the tub.

I ate a... I ate a whole one
in the tub.

He can't even get it out!

What do you think?

You ever...
You ever go in the tub?

I just ate a whole...

Take care.

You know what, though, you suck
more than sal at this point.

All right,
let's see you get down here
and try this.

You look like a man
with a purpose, huh?

I think I figured out
a piece of the puzzle, boys.

Q: All right.

What I think what you boys
were missing

was a little bit
of body language.

What is with all of you
making plans today?

I'm the only one
that makes plans.

Yeah, but it never
works for you.

It's not working for you either.

Get this guy.

You need gasoline?

You need gasoline?

- Gas?
- Yes.

A guy that has gasoline
on the... on the d.L.

He's got gas.

He's got a container out back.

- You just filled up?
- Huh?

- You just filled up?
- Yeah.

Sal: Joe, I can't even
understand what you're saying.

That's the whole idea.

You talk so low that
they don't... they talk low.

Didn't work.

Murr: Here you go.

You're not the only
bad boy in here.

You're not
the only bad boy in here.

You're not the only
bad boy in here.

Do we?
Yeah, yeah.

Sam.

Yeah, I'm Sam.

Somebody else, right?

Sorry, sir.

But you're not
the only bad boy in here.

Yeah.

This.

Yes!

Everybody sucks.

Okay, guys, I have no plan.

I'm just gonna wing it
and see what happens.

Q: Oh, all right.

Guys, I hate to say it, but...

James murr,
you're our only hope.

Oh!

Here he goes.

You sitting here like you
playing, but you ain't.

You sitting here
like you playing, but you ain't.

You're not playing, right?

You're not playing?

She is.

Q: Bulldog him.

She is?

No?

- That was it?
- Oh, my god!

That was a whisper.

Joe: Yeah!

Narrator: Joe, q, and sal
couldn't get a whisper,

making sal tonight's big loser.

Oh, god!

Oh, my god.
- Oh, the midwife is here.

We're at little rock farms.

I lost today, and now they're
gonna have me deliver a cow.

The stench...
You could smell it.

It's not like
a number one or number two.

It's like it's
an unidentified smell.

What is it?
Oh, my god, it reeks.

Oh, come on,
you're really milking this.

You want to tell them?

You want to tell them
what you're doing?

I told you, I'm delivering
a baby cow today.

Did I say that?

I'm really up right now, sorry.

Let's get moving,
let's get moving.

Q: Your patient is ready
for you.

Paging Dr. Vulcano.

Its sack is swinging
all over the place.

Joe: So, sal's assistant,
Cody, who...

How many calves
have you delivered?

- Several thousand.
- Several thousand.

So, he's the right guy
to be with.

Sal, how many cows
have you delivered?

I'm about to have a cow myself.

Start by putting
these two gloves on.

Q: Double bag it, sal.
Just like college.

You know, remember?
Yeah, he's about to get
into a cow, just like college.

Okay, first step, we got to
clean the cow up a little bit.

Yeah, go ahead.

Murr: Get in there, bud.

This cow needs you.

You got to go inside and feel
the calf and stretch it

around a little bit
so it's open to come out.

I'll show you how.

Don't do... don't do

what are you gonna do?
Don't do nothing stupid.

What, is your hand in there?

- You got to...
- Oh, no!

Sal, get in there.

My... my body will not let
my hand go in that hole.

Again, college.

- It's pregnant, right?
- Yes.

'Cause if I'm just fisting
a cow, that's up.

I can't do it.
I can't do it.
I can't do it.

I can't do it.

Why are you holding
on to the railing?

Why are you holding
on to the railing?

Oh, god.
Oh, my god!

Oh, my god!

I hate

oh, my god!

I

I can't stand it.

- Aah!
- This is gross!

Nobody throws up
quite like sal does, right?

That was gross.

I want to chop my hand off.

The next step is
to get the straps on the feet

so that we can pull
the calf out.

- Pull it out with straps?
- Yeah.

Wow.

Q: Oh, my god.

Yeah, if you can get
behind there,

grab both of these handles.
Is it gonna spray out?
Is it gonna spray out?

There's handles here.

Oh, my god.

There you go, sal.
There you go.

Oh, yeah, you got it, sal.

- Come on, sal.
- Pull this cow into the world.

Murr: That's your baby!

It's

I'm just...
I'm helping her to get

the head
into the right position.
Okay.

Sal, what is your life
right now?

The worst thing you've ever had
me do, I swear to god.

Murr: There you go!
Whoa!

Oh, it's

it's on it's own face.

It on its face.

I'm gonna have someone stand on
this side of you with the strap.

Okay.

They've called for backup

because sal is very bad
at this job.

Everybody watching at home,
call your mother.

You know?
- Just tell her thank you.

Just... just send
her flowers, something.

Murr: Come on, sal.

- Oh!
- Oh!

- Oh, my god.
- Oh.

Oh, my god.

Oh, sal!

What do I do?
What do I do?

Oh, god!

I don't... I don't...

Oh, god!
Oh, god!

Murr: Baby!
You had a baby!

Q: Wow!

Wow!

Sal's covered in placenta.
Look at that.

- It's a boy.
- Mazel tov!

- Sal.
- Please help me.

I got the guts all over me.

Murr:
Aww, look at him.

Sal, go pet him.

Okay.

Everybody loves you.

Everybody loves you.
- Aww!

Joe:
Congratulations, sal.

All right, daddy's got
to go shower.

Oh!
Look, guys, look, look!