05x12 - Centaur of Attention

[bunniefuu]

Narrator: Coming up,

do sal and murr
have a budding bromance?

What's got sal
down in the dumps?

No!
Oh, it does smell!

And which losing joker
will be hoofing it home

in tonight's punishment?

Hey!

Sal:
Prepare for something amazing.

Q: Hey, mustache, what's up?

Murr:
I want my mommy!

Sal:
I will never forgive you!

Joe: Larry!

Today, we're at focus plus
competing head to head

in a focus group as participants
answering a questionnaire.

Here's the catch... the guys
participating in the focus group

have written the answers
for each other.

At the end,
we'll ask the group to vote

on whose answers were the worst.

If the group votes you out,
you lose.

How you guys doing?

Murr: This is
our buddy James McCarthy.

He is the moderator
of this focus group today.

Now, sal wrote
all Joe's answers,

Joe wrote all sal's answers.

And the group is gonna vote

who they would not have back
in the next group.

Here we go.

Imagine you're starting
a city from scratch...

Jennifer, what'd you have?

Joe?

Um...

I put the man
that made birth control.

Don't know his name,

but I'm pretty sure
it was a man.

But I know his work.

Q: Look at sal!

Start back down here.

I put toothless tigers,
um, could roam the streets

so that kids can pet them
and then they can't bite

or anything like that.

What?!

How do you get their teeth out?

A grown tiger's teeth...
You just pull them?

Thank you, yeah.

Get her on board.

- Joe?
- I would do...

I'd have
some serial k*ller go off,

then later,
when things die down...

Pun intended...
We'd do m*rder tours.

What?!

I thought mine
was outside the box,

but to have a serial k*ller
just go off?

Well, it's really a means to an
end 'cause you really want that.

There goes Joe.

You really want
that m*rder-tour money.

You might not have the funds...

Joe looks like
a serial k*ller right now.

He does.
Look at his eyes.

Knowledge or with great...

Sal?

I put mostly nice people
but a few bums, too, probably.

Jennifer?

Joe?

Of course, I thought
hopefully it's a melting pot.

I'd like to know people
of other races...

Indian, Asian, African,
south American,

antarctican, puerto rican,
and women.

And I thought also
it might be cool

to have some winners
of "the voice" there.

Q:

Sal's losing it.

- Look at sal.
- Sal's losing it!

Tears just right down his face.

You wrote it.
How could you find it...

'cause hearing Joe say it is
a different thing, right?

Karen...

Offer them affordable housing.

Fantastic. Joe?

The first thing
that came to my mind

was I would burn
a neighboring city.

Q:

- Sal.
- Sal.

The other thing, actually,
is I was thinking,

like, a steaming,
giant pile of baked ziti

in the center of town.

- Of what? Of what?
- Baked ziti.

Like a big thing of baked ziti,
Mike,

and everybody
could just come and eat it.

Murr:

Sal, what would you do

to encourage people
to move to your city?

I would have elective
arranged marriage program

for hopeless singles
over 33 years old.

You love it?

Oh, my god!
They love sal's ideas.

Yeah.
He seems so sensitive.

- Yeah, well, he was crying.
- And he was crying.

James: Great,
so what we're gonna do now...

I just need you guys
to write down the name

of the person you would not
bring with you

to the city you'd build.

I think Joe's getting voted out.

Yeah, I think so.

So, the person the group
wouldn't bring is...

Joe.

Wow.

Nice job, sal.
Good answers.

Nice job, buddy.

Very good.

Joe: So, q wrote all of murr's
answers and vice versa.

James: Imagine you're starting
a city from scratch.

Brian, what do you have?

I start calling dibs on women.

I'm sorry.

You'd call dibs on women?

That was the first thing
you'd do?

Well, I just figured
we were doing, like,

a post-apocalyptic
"mad Max" type thing.

So I just figured, like, dibs.

Like, I got dibs on Barbara.

- Ohh!
- Oh, here we go. Here we go.

And, Barbara, what are some...

James, what are some public
services you'd want to offer?

I wrote annual turtle census.

Every turtle
will be accounted for.

We should know how many turtles
there are out there

in our parks, in our streets,

in our sewers,
and what have you.

How do you know
if you've already counted

a turtle, though, before you...

You tag them.
You tag the turtles.

Look at Barbara!

Thank you. Brian?

Uh...

Blood for everyone.
No questions asked.

Sal:

And also purple drank.

Well, the purple drank
is because sometimes

in the summer you hear how,
like, homeless people

are dying from dehydration.

I'm just saying if they all had,
like, a purple-drank station...

Oh, he's losing Barbara!

I'm sorry. Am I to believe that
this room is against hydration?

James...

I wrote poor people can live
in the industrial zone.

And that's all I got so far.

Wait. I'm sorry. I just...
I don't understand.

I said... well, no, no.

It was pretty detrimental,
and it was crap. It was crap.

No, no, no.

Of course the suit
would say this, right?

It's a blazer.

Of course the guy in the blazer,
the suit.

Joe:
Look at q stoking the fire!

James: Great. Thank you guys
so much for doing this.

We have just one more part.

You're gonna write down the name
of the person

you would not bring with you
to your city.

Oh, Barbara's voting murr out.

So, the person the group
wouldn't bring is...

James.
- Oh.

Big surprise.

You guys want to go
get some purple drank?

Narrator: Murr and Joe
were the weakest links,

so they're first up
on the loser board.

Today, we're teaming up

working behind the counter
at bagelsmith.

While helping customers,
we'll have to do and say

whatever the other guys tell us.

If you refuse to do or say
anything, you lose!

I love doughnuts.

We're in a bagel shop.

Okay.

One raisin bagel, plain.

- Sure.
- That's it.

Joe:
Guys, it's the easiest order.

Make this the most complicated
thing ever.

Here.

- Uh...
- Oh!

Thanks, man.

Joe:

- Hold on, hold on, hold on.
- No, it's not working.

- Just take...
- Look how confused he is!

Go. I'm gonna help you.
Now go.

Go, go, go. Yeah, no!
Yeah, okay.

Give him the whole basket!
Give him the basket!

Take the thing, though.

Take it to the front.
They'll ring you up.

Put the bag right on it.

Okay, right up front.
Thank you.

Let me get a toasted poppy seed

with a little bit
of cream cheese.

Is it that cold?

Is it that cold out still?

What? For what?

- Oh, the...
- The hat?

No, I'm from williamsburg.

What does that mean?

I'm a hipster.
I'm just trying to fit in.

Is that Adele?
Oh, my god.

Sal, wave. Say, "hello
from the other side."

Hello.

From the other side.

Guys, kiss each other
through this entire order.

Lots of cream cheese and capers?

- Yes.
- All right.

One's not gonna do it
for me, guys.
Yeah, yeah.

Sorry, I yelled.

That's okay.
I'm sorry.

You're so silly.
Kiss.

You're so silly.
Sorry.

Pumpernickel, everything?

Joe:

There's no one looking, man.

Q: I want you
to fish in this girl, guys.

Get her in.

Psst!

Whoosh! Whoo!

- Ohhh!
- Yes! Okay.

Sal, eh, throw her back.

Got him!

He didn't see it coming!

Need a... Ham, pepper Jack,

lettuce, tomato,
on a plain bagel.

You want me to squish it?

Okay, and you want me
to squish it?

Yes. Squish it.

Did he understand
what you just said?

Do you want it squished?

Squished? Sure.

Squished so I can eat it.

- Right.
- It's gonna be squished.

Just squished.

Can you half-squish?

- Half-squish?
- Is that possible?

You know who used to like it
half-squished is mayor dinkins.

Okay.

Sal:

Joe, squish it.

He's getting it
on the half-squish.

Come on! Squish like you never
squished before in your life!

There you go.

Sal:

And you wanted lettuce,
tomato...?

And Mayo.

Oh, wait.
You're adding Mayo to it?

Wait, you're adding Mayo to it?

That becomes the koch.

That's a koch.
Dinkins didn't do the Mayo.

Q: A half-squished, not-squished
is a dinkins.

Half-squished, not-squished
with Mayo is a koch.

Half-squished, not-squished,
Mayo, squished...

Both: Bloomberg.

What?

You want de blasio,
we throw it in the trash.

Right in the trash.

Murr:

How's it going, man? What can
we help you with today?

He said "please"
for the first one.

He didn't say "please"
for the second one.

You said "please"
for the first one.

The second one,
you didn't say "please."

I don't know if
we pissed you off or something.

No, that's fine.

Sal:

So is it "please"?

Okay. All right,
excellent, excellent.

Sal:

For the second one,
just a plain bagel with salmon?

Yep.

Wait.

- Yes.
- Okay.

He's putting it
all together right now.

Q, distract this guy

while Joe sneaks out
and gives it to him from behind.

We're gonna finish
that right up,

and before you even know
what's happened to you...

Murr:
Here he is, here he is!

You're gonna have your order,
my friend.

Ohhh!

What's up, huh?

Q, ask Joe for the scissors.

Could you get me the scissors?

Sal:
Joe, this is the first time

you've ever heard
the word "scissors."

Scissors.

They don't have scissors
where you come from, Joe.

Oh, okay. I'm not even just
saying that 'cause I work here.

Scissor?

I really...

That's a cup.
That is a cup.

- Scissors.
- Not a scissor.

I don't know what that one is.
I can find out.

Scissors?

That's peanut butter, buddy.
That's not scissors.

- Scissors.
- I need the scissors.

What?

Ah!

You got them?

Oh, he found them.

Ohh!

The big scissors.
I need the big scissors.

Turkey sandwich on a roll.

Little oil and vinegar.

Scissors.

Narrator:
Sal and murr got toasted,

so now they're smeared
all over the loser board.

Today we're in the park
giving notes to strangers.

The thing is, we don't know
what the note says

because it's been written
by the other guys.

If you can't get the stranger

to keep the weird-a*s note,
you lose.

This is the part where we say
something funny and cut out.

Narrator: It's murr and q in
a joker vs. Joker challenge.

Joe: Okay, here we go.

I'm gonna have to go in
the porta-potty probably.

- Where is it?
- It's right there, but it's...

The situation is we're
filming in a park today,

and sal really has to pee,

so now there's a porta-potty
right here.

He won't use it.

You'll see him pee-pee dance
through this whole bit.

It's not really a situation.

It is.
Do you have to pee?

Yeah, I got to pee.

- Ready?
- Hold up, murr. Hold up.

Sal: Oh, uh... eh.

Let's do... don't play games.

No!

Oh, it does smell!

Sal: It smells horrible!

Oh! Holy

aah!

There's

hey!
I don't think it's funny!

Guys, I don't think it's funny!

Piece of on the floor!

There's on the floor!

- Who are you?
- There's

- did you pee?
- No, I didn't pee!

All right,
let's get back to work, guys.

Murr has no idea
what the note says. We do.

Let the games begin.

Here we go.

Q:
He got it. All right.

Sal:
It says, "078-05-1120.

Your chance
for a new life."

Murr: That's a new
social security number.

You want out of this life,
you call me.

We give that to you.
You've got a new life.

Your new name is
siegfried Von Wilder.

What's your new name?

Siegfried Von Wilder.

You can't screw this up, man.

What's your name?

Siegfried Von Wilder.

Not bad.

Memorize it,
then destroy the note.

But keep the note,
most importantly.

Are you gonna keep the note?

- Ohhh!
- He kept it!

Goodbye...

Siegfried.

Sal: Oh, here he goes.
Dip take a sip.

Remember calling girls
honey dips?

Honey dips. Yeah.

When we were little.
You don't remember that?

What?
No, white, upper "greshelon."

He was talking about
tax shelters

while me and you were
on the streets playing b-ball.

Upper Echelon,
not upper "greshelon."

No, that was his neighbor.

Murr: What?!
How did he not see the note?

Joe: The game isn't
get a note on a person

without them noticing,
so you didn't win yet.

Murr: Ah!
He spotted the note.

The note reads,
"life gets crazy sometimes,

but rest assured,
if anything ever happens to you,

I'll be there
for your wife."

I got you, boo.

All right, sweet.

You gonna keep that note?

Ahh!

Joe: Dip-dip,
take a sip of your dip.

Dip. Take a sip.

Narrator: Murr and q passed
their papers perfectly,

but murr is still
tonight's big loser.

We are at the staten island mall
in our hometown.

We're all from staten island,

but, murr, you're the one who
seems to have forgotten that.

You forgot where you came from.

What are you talking about?
I'm from staten island, too.

My parents still live here.

That's very good, buddy,
'cause we want you to remember

the majesty of staten island,

so you're gonna walk from here,

staten island mall,
to your parents' house,

and you're gonna take
the scenic route.

That's a long walk, guys.

That's like an hour-and-a-half
walk from here.

It might be a little longer.

To my par... I'm trying
to figure this out now.

Walk to my parents' house.

You're missing a huge piece
of the puzzle

that you're about to get.

All right.
What is this?

You're just gonna
get in something

a little more comfortable.

Come on.
The centaur outfit?

I'm a centaur!
I'm a centaur!

It's round 2!

Joe: Look at him!
He's galloping!

I'm not really a centaur.

Murr: I can't walk
on Richmond Avenue like this.

Oh, yes, you can, and you will.

Look at this dope.

Really?!

- There he is.
- This is what we're doing?!

I got to hike five miles
to my parents' house

dressed as venison?

You look delicious.

♪♪

Murr:
This is absolutely ridiculous.

All right,
what murr doesn't know is

that, uh, it's hunting time.

It's murr season.

Whoo!

It's murr-hunting time, boys!

Whoo!
- Yee-haw!

This is a five-mile walk!

This is not funny, man.

Honestly.

Boys, I hear there's murr
in these parts.

Yes. The old duck call
to attract a deer.

Q: Ah!
I got him, boys.

All right,
he's crossing the street!

Joe: He doesn't even know
he's being hunted.

He thinks his punishment is
to walk.

It's actually a nice day.

They're honking at him!

He's actually having a nice,
pleasant stroll.

Yeah, it's up to us
to remind him.

Yeah, we got to remind him.

Yeah, we got to get out there
and remind him.

To hell with this.
I'm taking the bus.

Hey, man.
My car broke down.

Can I just jump...

Thanks, man.
I appreciate it.

- Here we go!
- I smell that murr, boys!

What the...

Whoo-ha!

You're all acting
really weird right now.

What's going on?

Joe: Well, just 'cause
we're hunting murr!

It's murr-hunting season, boys!

Where's the murr?!

Stop...

Yeah! I got him!
I tagged him!

Go get him, boys!

- Go get him, boys!
- Yee-haw!

Oh

Ow!

Oh, no!
Watch out! Watch out!

Oh, my god!
What is that?!

- It's deer urine!
- It's deer piss!

- Oh, my god!
- Yeah!

- I have a date tonight!
- Yee-haw!

We'll see you
in a little bit, boy!

Almost home.

♪♪

What's up, sucka?

Aah!

Run, you son of a b*tch!

- Run!
- It's murr season!

What's up?!

Oh, yeah!

Hey, Mr. Murray.

I want my mommy.