05x06 - The Good, the Bad and the Punished

[bunniefuu]

Narrator:
Coming up, what's giving murr
a bad taste in his mouth?

Why is Joe going full gangsta?

My rap name... it's chub fondue.

Blakka, blakka!

And which losing joker will want
to get the "f" out of dodge

in tonight's wild punishment?

Sal:
Prepare for something amazing.

Q: Hey, mustache, what's up?

Murr:
I want my mommy!

Sal:
I will never forgive you!

Joe: Larry!

Today, we're driving a cab

on the mean streets
of New York City!

While driving around,

we'll have to do and say
what the other guys tell us.

And, of course, if you refuse
any of that, you lose.

Fun fact...
I've never owned a car.

Well, you took the $20,000 your
parents were gonna give you,

- and you made a student film.
- I know!

And it's the worst film
ever made.

Look it up online.
It's called...

No, no, no, no, no.
View it here. Here's the url.

No, no, no!
Get that off! Come on!

You can't wipe it away.

♪♪

Hey, fat boy. You gonna go
through a drive-thru, fat boy?

Oh, you got that seatbelt
around you, I see.

I'm not fat. I gained 13 pounds,
but I don't think that's fat.

What are you doing?
You on Twitter?

- What are you tweeting?
- Nothing.

Come on!

How are you? I'm James.

Hi, James.
Thank you for being on time.

Sal: Oh, this lady looks
all business.

Joe: Ready? Are you seeing sun
I'm not seeing?

Are you seeing sun
that I'm not seeing?

I've been out today.
It was sunny.

Oh, really? Okay.

Sal:
Let me apologize right up top.

I will apologize right up top,
by the way.

If you smell b.O.,
this is my wife's car.

If you...

If you smell any b.O.,

it's my wife's car.

I don't smell any.

Neither does she.
That's the problem.

Murr, there's a toothbrush
and toothpaste.

Start brushing your teeth.

- She's not saying anything.
- Really weird.

Holy she's got to be
a poker champion.

I had tuna for lunch.
Bad move.

Yeah. Can you hear me?

Murr, start repeating
what she says.

So, what's going on?

What's going on?

Much better.

Much... much better.

Yeah, I don't need...
I don't need the...

I just need to get there,
please, so...

Oh, sure.

Here we go.

Sal, you look like a cab driver.

Go back to Jersey, you moron!

- Hi. How are you today?
- Hi.

770 Broadway.

You got it.

♪♪

Let me know
if you find a tooth back there.

Let me know if you find a tooth
back there.

- A tooth?
- Yeah.

Wait. Are you going
to a toy store right now?

Yeah.

I try to do online, you know?

I did online.

Joe: Roll down the back windows
while she's talking.

So, I'm trying to poll different
stores to see if they have it.

'Cause it doesn't have...

- Yeah.
- They don't have...

You done back there? I thought
I heard you crack a rat.

I thought I...

I thought I heard you
crack a rat, so I just...

- Ring, ring, ring, ring.
- Hello.

This is Timmy, the manager
over at Rick's gentlemen's club.

Rick's gentlemen's club?

We got a call
from your credit-card company

saying they're disputing $780
in charges you put on here.

You want to explain yourself
to me?

Yeah, I'm gonna dispute
$780 in charges. That's correct.

I did not spend
that... that amount of money.

Well, what did you get,
15 or 20 lap dances?

I got probably like...
Like 10 lap dances, probably.

Did you or did you not
tip kitty boom boom $500?

I...

I tipped kitty boom boom...

I tipped kitty boom boom
like $200, probably.

No, I don't want to talk
to kitty boom boom.

I'm not gonna get on the phone
with kitty boom boom.

- That's ridiculous.
- Hi, kitty boom boom.

Hello, kitty boom boom.

I'm at work right now.
Can you call me later, please?

So, you're going
to 770 Broadway, then?

Yes.

♪♪

How you doing, man?

- 29 king street.
- All right.

So, we planted a little prop
in the backseat.

- It's a car seat.
- Car seat.

Uh, some of them do, yeah.

Q, complain about
your last passenger.

But he sounds exactly like
this guy who's in your car.

You know, it's been a long day.

My, uh... my last passenger
was a real jerk.

- What'd he do?
- He got in the car.

Right away,
he gets on the phone.

Busting my chops
about the car seat, you know?

V-neck.

Are you just describing me?

Jacket... what?

Sal: Hey, it might be
out of the way,

but, uh, I can show you a place
where I go to write poetry.

You know,
it might be out of the way,

but, uh, I could show you
this place

where I go to write poetry
if you want.

No. I'm kind of in a hurry.

- Sorry, man.
- Oh.

Q, you want to roll down
your window and just yell,

"go yourself,
you mother?"

Yeah.

I always wanted to go
to, like, Italy and, like...

Oh! Go yourself,
you mother

then, like, but, like, on poetry
and stuff like that,

I never really went.
Every time I go there...

So, sal popped out of the car.

We're gonna make q hit sal,

and we're gonna make q
keep driving.

♪♪

Oh.

- Go. Just drive. Just drive.
- Keep going! Keep going!

- Keep going!
- Just pull away.

Joe: How's that baby doing
back there?

Baby's not bothering you, right?
How's he doing back there?

Oh, you actually
have a baby in there?

Yeah, yeah.

No, you don't.

What?

- What?
- There's no baby in there.

What?

There's no baby in here.

Oh

Dispatch.

Dispatch.

Dispatch. Go, car 12.

Uh...

Shh.

I lost a baby.

♪♪

Eh, that's all right.
What are you gonna do?

10-4.

Here's king street right here.

Sal: Here we go.
Joe gatto, cab driver.

Yeah, I know this town.
I've driven in this town.

This guy cut me off.

Q: Oh, here he goes.

Hi.

- Two!
- Ah.

- Oh!
- Two!

Hey!

- We got to hurry.
- Okay.

All right.
My name's Joe, by the way.

- Hi, Joe.
- They call me skid marks.

They call me skid marks, though.

- Call you what?
- Skid marks.

Not 'cause of my driving.

Oh.

Just start singing
♪ today is my birthday

♪ today is my birthday

we'll see. And then...

♪ today is my birthday

♪ today is my birthday

♪ today is my birthday

keep singing it.
Keep singing it.

♪ Today is my birthday

♪ today is my birthday

- that's right.
- It's almost your wedding day?

- Uh-huh.
- Oh, wow. Congratulations.

Is it a shotgun wedding?

Sal: Oh.

Look at his face!

Did you plan it for a while,
or is it like a shotgun wedding?

Oh, no.
Oh, that's what that means?

Yes.

Are you crazy?!

Joe, ready? Just get startled
and turn around

and go,
"you guys are still here?"

♪♪

Oh, you guys are still here?

Narrator:
The guys pass this driving test,

so no one's crashing
on the loser board.

Today, we're in the park,

trying to get strangers
to congratulate us.

But the weird reason
we're getting congratulated

will be given to us
by the other guys.

If you can't get the stranger
to say congratulations

because of the weird reason,
you lose.

I have nothing
to celebrate, ever.

Congratulations.

♪♪

Joe:
All right. Here he goes.

Boys, I got some great news.

I went ba*ls out
on a thermostat.

I went ba*ls out
on a new thermostat.

I mean, I had to get
a thermostat for the house.

I was gonna get, like, an
entry-level one from home depot.

I said no. No way.

How much does that cost?

It was a little pricy,

but over the course of four
years, you make your money back.

Four years?

Well, the point is, I'll have
the thermostat forever.

I have a 30-year mortgage.

Hey, if you're psyched,
good for you, man.

He's not congratulating you.

I take that money, I apply it
to another ba*ls-out purchase.

It's like a ba*ls-out chain.
I got a ba*ls-out basement.

I got a new
ba*ls-out flat-screen.

Oh, a ba*ls-out flat-screen?

Yeah. When people come over,
everything's beautiful.

It's all...
We have a ba*ls-out time.

The thermostat has kicked off
a chain of events

in which I live my life now
ba*ls-out going forward.

- You know what I mean?
- No, I know what you mean.

A day like this just makes you
want to say something.

You know what I mean? Say it
with me on three. 1, 2, 3.

- ba*ls out.
- Congratulations.

- Nice try.
- Get out of there.

Q: I got to be honest
with you, sal.

I don't know how you're gonna
get a congratulations

for what I'm about to give you,
but we'll see what you do.

Whew! Celebrating today.

I got some good news.

Yeah.

Oh!

Thank you.
Have a good day.

- Oh, come on.
- Damn it!

♪♪

Sal:
He's sliding over.

We got a bench creep right here.

I got some great news.

- I signed to a record label.
- I signed to a record label.

- Oh, really?
- Yeah, yeah.

Sal: My rap name...

My, uh... my rap name...

is chub fondue.

Is...
It's chub fondue.

'Cause, you know, I'm not
in good shape, you know,

so I just embrace that,
and I make that my image.

You guys ever eat
three dinners in a row?

Did you guys ever eat
three dinners in a row or...

No? I'm heavy into
the breakfast, lunch,

dinner, dinner, dinner.

I'm chub fondue.
That's what I do.

I hope to be famous, yeah.
I hope to be. I hope to be.

But that's big news, 'cause
that's like the first step.

It's like chub fondue
has entered the building.

Yeah, I'm sorry.
No pictures.

What do you speak over there?

- Dutch.
- Dutch.

I don't know how you say it
in Dutch, but do you guys have,

like, a saying
when something good happens?

- Gefeliciteerd.
- What does that mean?

- Congratulations, yes.
- Ah!

- Ah! Got it another language!
- He got a Dutch congrats.

Yeah, we did it.
Blakka, blakka!

All right, ladies.
Chub fond-out.

♪♪

Joe: Here we go.

Yes. Yes.

Wow. I just got...
I just got great news.

My wife just had
her boyfriend's baby.

Wife just had
her boyfriend's baby.

Okay.

- Here, look... look at this.
- Have you been waiting for that?

Look at that baby!
Look at that!

- What?
- That's not a cute baby.

- That's not a cute baby?
- No.

Did you show her
a picture of my baby?

I did!

Ask her
what's wrong with the baby.

You don't... you don't think
that baby's cute?

- Aww!
- Ah. Oh, I see. You don't think

it's cute 'cause you thought she
was cheating on me or something.

Why do you have
a picture of my baby?

You never texted him a picture?

I never texted him
a picture of my baby.

He took one
when he was in the house.

There's, like, bushes
around the frame of the photo.

I should explain this.
I...

- I'm barren.
- Oh.

- You're barren?
- Sterile.

No, I meant I'm a baron.
I'm royalty, of royal lineage.

Oh, okay.

And my don't work.

My don't work, either,

- so, you know?
- Oh.

So... so I had my wife meet up
with this guy,

and, you know, she got pregnant.
Now we're gonna have a kid.

Well, if that makes you happy,
then congratulations, man.

- Thank you! Thank you!
- Ah!

Gee, what a great day.

Thank you so much
for the congratulations.

♪♪

It's a good news day.
All right. Thanks, brother.

Thanks, brodeo.
Thanks, broham.

All right, ma.
I'll talk to you later.

Man, it's a good-news day
for me, my friend, huh?

Everything's working out, huh?

- Nice day?
- Yeah. I just got a call.

My patent came through
on my new app.

My patent came through
on my new app.

Oh, cool.
What's the app like?

Skank finder.

It's called, uh...

It's called skank finder.

- Skank finder?
- Yeah.

You ever try to find a skank?
You couldn't find one.

You wish
there was an app for it.

Do you know how sometimes you go
to bars, and you're like,

"oh, that's definitely a skank,"
but, then, it turns out

it's not a skank, and you got
a lot of explaining to do?

You know what I'm saying?

Yeah, what happens is
is that it's a little device

on your phone
that you blow into it,

and if your alcohol level's
hit a certain level,

that alerts other people that
you're drunk and ready to party.

What?

Wait, so it's like a little
breathalyzer kind of deal?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

An accurate breathalyzer
costs around like $75.

So how are you gonna
try to do it?

Whoa, I didn't think of this.

You don't even need
an attachment.

Like, ask the user, like,
"how drunk am I

on a scale of 1 to 10?
I'm a 9."

- Oh!
- Wow, man.

What do you do?
You looking for a job?

No, I actually work
on wall street.

Oh, okay. All right, dude.

Okay, so, radius wise,
set radius, set age limits.

So it's just like a super-drunk
version of tinder

except it's not like...

Murr: Q has forgotten
what the game is.

He's way too wrapped up
in this conversation.

He's forgotten his focus.

How do you turn it off...
Skank...

When you pass out, maybe.

But when you pass out,
you can't use your phone.

You know what?

You've actually given me
a lot to think about, brother.

- Thank you.
- Good luck.

- Good luck.
- Thanks for the help.

Good job, q. You forgot to get
a congratulations, though,

you idiot!

- Did you forget the game?
- You spent 20 minutes

quality-assurance testing
an app that doesn't exist.

Well, not yet it don't.
I'm about to make so much money,

I can quit this show
and you guys.

Narrator:
Q couldn't get the congrats,

and that's why
he's tonight's big loser.

Yee-haw!
Yee-haw!
Yee-haw!
Yee-haw!

We came all the way
to Bonnie Springs ranch

in Las Vegas, Nevada,
for q's punishment.

And it looks like there's a lot

of bad people
'round these parts.

Well, it's a good thing
there's a new sheriff in town.

- I'm the sheriff.
- Yeah!

So, giddyap, little doggy!
Clean this town up!

We came all the way to Vegas.

- Why aren't we in a casino?
- At the buffet?

- Yee-haw!!
- Why aren't we anywhere...

Why are you
screaming in my face?

♪♪

Joe: All right, sheriff.

We heard there was some trouble
in the old Nevada.

- The old Nevada saloon?
- How is this a punishment?

So far, I'm the sheriff
of an awesome town.

You know what happens to
sheriffs in old westerns, right?

Welcome to the saloon.

Q: So far,
everything looks okay.

The word down by the bank

is that the guy
with the red bandanna's a cheat.

Well, that's got nothing to do
with me.

As the sheriff, you can't have
nobody cheating in your town!

- Yeah.
- All right.

Yo, word around here, buddy,
is that you're a cheater.

Is that an ace?!

Murr: Oh, my god!

What are you gonna do about it?

Sal: Oh!

Wait. I'm helping you out.
He's cheating you.

Now, we want you
to say to him...

I'm gonna kick your a*s,
partner.

All right.

I tell you
what I'm gonna do about it.

I'm gonna kick your a*s,
partner.

Oh, yeah?

Where you going?

Q: No! No!

♪♪

You broke all my glasses.

Almighty.

Oh

- Oh, my...
- Ohh!

What the

he went in flush.

You looked like Han Solo.

Are you guys insane?

I just put that window in there.

Oh

Say you're sorry.

I'm the damn sheriff.

Say you're sorry.

No, no! No!

- Say you're sorry.
- I'll say it when I'm...

- Say you're sorry.
- Just...

But I don't see
how that window...

Just say you're sorry!

All right. All right.
I'm sorry.

- All right.
- We're good.

You're having a bad day,
sheriff.

This town sucks.

Sheriff, sheriff!

Sal:
Uh-oh. The town's in trouble,
and you got to go stop them.

Q: Oh, my gosh. All right.

Okay. All right.

Hey, you ain't blowing up
my town, buddy.

I mean, I don't really
give a about this town

at this point, but...

Get off my roof.

This is my roof.

- Yeah!
- Yeah!

Jump or die.

Into the horse

oh, it stinks so bad.
Are we serious about this?

Oh, this guy again?!

I'm not jumping into that.
I'm not jumping into...

There's no b*ll*ts in there.
I'm not stupid.

You know that, right?
I know that my friends

are making me jump into horse

here we go!

Wait. Sal's car keys
are in there.

Do us a favor.
Dig them out.

Oh, it's so disgusting.
All right.

Q.

There's only one way
off the roof.

All right.

- Geronimo!
- Aah!

Ohh.

- Ohh, it stinks.
- Oh, that is disgusting.

- Your hat fell off.
- Your head's in the

ohh. Gah.

Murr: All right, sheriff,
let's get you cleaned up.

- How do you like your shirt?
- Q, you look so bloated.

You think I don't know there's
something up with this shirt?

We gave him
a quick costume change.

Man: Hey, sheriff!

This town ain't big enough
for the both of us!

♪♪

Draw!

The g*n's stuck in the holster.

Ah!

- Oh!
- Oh!

Hurt!

Oh, snap!

- How's that exploding shirt, q?
- Oh, it hurts so bad!

All right, put him out
of his misery. sh**t him again.

All right! Aah!
Stop sh**ting!

- Just... just die.
- I die, and this is over?

- Yes!
- Just die.

♪♪

Oh!

Oh, the sheriff.

Clearly, he's not good enough
for this town.