04x09 - The Dream Crusher

[bunniefuu]

Narrator: Coming up, why is

murr getting so much lip?

I'm gonna kiss all of you!

Mwah!

I'm gonna kiss you. Mwah!

Narrator: Has Joe...

Oh, my god!

Narrator: Gone off the

deep end?

And which losing joker will be a

kung fool in tonight's

punishment?

Prepare for something

amazing.

Hey, mustache, what's up?

I want my mommy!

I will never forgive you!

Larry!

Today we're at the

palisades mall playing a game

called "find the mouth."

We've secretly planted an

actor somewhere in the food

court.

The goal is the find the

person the other guys planted

and give him a big ol' smooch.

You can kiss as many people

as you want, but if you don't

eventually kiss the right

person, you lose.

No!

Here we go. Oh, h*, h*!

So, the guy we've planted is the

guy with the big red beard in

the corner there.

Pucker up, baby.

How you doing?

Ugh, there you go.

There's 700 empty chairs.

Guess you're not the actor.

I'm gonna go near these three

old ladies.

Here we go.

Ohh.

Here we go.

Hi.

Any good sales today?

You come for lunch a lot here?

'Cause there are a lot of

options, yeah.

You ever do any acting or

anything like that?

Yes.

Oh.

Ohh!

It's not our...

kissing another actor, that's

got to be weird.

You couldn't give me any

pointers if I had to do it?

Ohh!

Thank you very much.

It was good to see you.

Okay.

Ohhh!

That is not the actor!

Oh, my god.

You're kidding me right now.

That just happens to be an

actress sitting in the mall.

Oh, my god.

I'm turning pale white.

You just assaulted someone's

grandmother with your lips.

It's fine.

I'm gonna go for these two guys

eating lunch here.

Uh-oh! Uh-oh!

Oh, god.

I could really use a kiss right

now.

Well, you like those two

girls over there?

She's giving you the look.

Is she really?

Yeah.

Maybe she's an actress.

Ohh!

Hey.

I was sitting over there, and

then someone said you were

looking at me.

So I came by and, uh...

'Cause if you wanted to kiss, I

would kiss ya.

Oh. Okay. Thank you.

Thank you.

It's not her, buddy.

This is impossible.

I give up.

By the way, bud, it was the

guy in the green t-shirt with

the red beard.

All right, q, checking it

out.

We switched it up for q.

He's got to kiss the security

guard.

Just two dudes in the mall

kissing, right?

Yeah, yeah, just two dudes,

like, sharing a kiss in the

mall, right?

Here we go. Here we go.

Here we go.

He's good, man. Hey.

Not him.

You weirdo.

All right. Let's try this.

Wasn't him.

All right, this gentleman

over here.

There's something to be said

about every time q sits near

someone, they get up and leave.

This security guard is

really.

All right. All right. All right.

I'm just gonna go for this guy.

How's everything, secure today?

Good?

Fight any crime yet today?

Are you a wise guy?

I just go to the mall and

just... kiss gentlemen.

Just kiss a bunch of strangers.

You want to try it?

Oh, oh, oh!

Come on. Do it.

Don't do that.

Yeah!

That's him!

Yay!

Come on.

Into the fray, my friend.

So, for murr, we chose a

young lady, but to make it more

difficult, we put her giant

boyfriend next to her.

He's a very significant other.

I got an idea, guys.

When will people kiss a

stranger?

Okay.

When that stranger has good

news.

It's not a bad approach, but

he's gonna kiss a lot of people.

It's a girl! It's a girl!

It's a girl!

Oh, my god! I am so happy!

I'm gonna kiss you!

Mwah!

Not him.

Oh, my god.

Guys, my girlfriend just said

yes!

I just proposed to her on the

phone!

I'm so excited, I'm gonna kiss

all of you!

Mwah! I'm gonna kiss you!

Mwah!

I'm getting married!

I'm gonna be a husband!

Mwah!

I'm gonna be a husband!

Mwah! It's so exciting!

No.

0 for 5, buddy. 0 for 5.

Oh, my god.

I was just acquitted.

This is my lawyer on the phone.

I was just... finally, finally

they said that I didn't do it.

I'm stoked.

I'm just gonna give you a hug.

Mwah! Yes!

Not him.

Damn it.

You're also just kissing

random guys.

I just won the lotto!

I just won 10 grand!

This is my sister calling me!

That guy does not care.

I'm a winner of the $10,000.

I'm gonna hug you. Mwah!

I'm gonna give you a kiss.

That's them, buddy.

No, that was them.

Yes! That was them?

For once, your foolproof plan

worked.

All right.

The person that Joe is gonna

kiss is the pretty girl in

purple.

That's right.

Which sounds like a treat,

but trust me, it's not.

It's not gonna be.

I kind of feel like we're

looking at what Joe kind of

looked like in college, just

wandering parties, looking for

people to kiss.

Non-alcoholic drink in hand.

What's up, guys?

Who's down to party?

Lips and chin starting to

sweat.

Oh, she's cute.

All right, so, I guess I try

this hot girl in the purple.

Wait, wait, how did you just

describe her?

The hot girl in the purple?

There's only one hot girl in

purple here.

Man, if you think she's hot,

that's cool.

She's hot, yeah.

I think she's very hot, Joe.

You sons...

We invited your wife to set!

That's my wife?

Yeah, I know my wife's voice,

Murray.

You know commandment 4-b,

right?

Thou shall not kiss the girl in

food court in front of wife.

Ohh.

Can you go out and sit next

to that girl, please?

I'll be right there.

I'm just kidding, honey.

She's ugly.

I'm so...

Hi, beautiful.

Oh, so I guess that's the

actress, then?

Yeah.

Joe, go kiss the girl in purple.

Oh, boy.

Ohh.

Joe.

Look how red his face is.

Why is your lip sweating?

Because...

Look how red he is!

All: Oh, my god!

It looks like your head's

gonna pop off your body.

I've never seen Joe like

this.

Obviously you know this is a

game.

I have to kiss her.

It means nothing.

You can kiss her if you want

to sleep on the couch tonight.

Man!

Ohh, don't do it, Joe.

This is just a game.

It's just a... it's a quick

smooch.

I really don't want to lose with

this one.

You're gonna lose even

bigger.

Here comes the plane for the

landing.

Mwah! No!

I can't do it! I can't do it!

I can't do it! I can't do it!

You guys.

Narrator: Sal and Joe

couldn't seal this challenge

with a kiss, so they'll have to

pucker up on the loser board.

Action.

All: One Mississippi.

Today we'll be attempting to

get our life stories made into a

movie.

So we'll be presenting the

details of our lives to people

for review.

But these details have been

created by the other guys.

At then end of the

presentation, we'll ask on a

scale from one to 10 how likely

they'd be to see the film.

Whoever gets the lowest score

loses.

All: One Mississippi.

Cut!

I am making a biopic picture

about my life story.

So we're basically focus

grouping it.

At the end of it, I'll ask your

opinion.

Okay?

Terrific.

Here we go...

"the life of Joe gatto."

That's me.

Let's dive in.

That was, uh...

I was of course a c-section.

Yeah.

That's a d-section!

Next, I was born 13 months

late, so...

What?

The gestation period for my

mother was a little bit longer.

22 month, yeah.

That's the math on that...

22 months.

It's a medical anomaly.

It's good. It's good to have a

humor about it.

But there are things i'm

sensitive about.

Here we go. Here we go.

Here we go.

My giant foreskin.

This is me.

I love to swim.

This is my swimming.

It's a party.

I'm the life of the party.

It's the only sport I enjoy.

So, that is the story of me and

my life.

On a scale of one to 10, how

likely would you be to buy a

movie ticket to this movie.

I say one.

You say one?

Yeah.

One and 7, so what is that?

What's that boil down to?

4. So it's 4.

So it's 4.

So, thank you so much,

ladies.

Oh, my god.

All right. Okay.

So, why don't we just get

started?

Since I was a teen, my sense of

humor has always be "out of this

world."

You know what I mean?

For instance.

Hello,

earthlings.

I'm here invading your earth

camera.

Prepare to die as we attack your

planet from moon x, and the

music has stopped.

What is going on over there?

Oh, my god.

What?

You dork!

I still wear that fedora.

And then...

All right, my troubled teen

years.

What's that mean?

What does that mean?

What does clunt baby mean?

All I know is that I came home

one day, and my mom was like,

"what's up, clunt baby?"

And it just stuck.

Explain it, q. Explain it.

This is what a slump buster

is.

Um, do you know how, like,

sometimes you go through dry

spells in your personal life and

you haven't been intimate in a

while?

Ooh.

And you're like, "well, I got

to break this slump," so you

just go out and you find

anybody.

You lower your standards to the

bottom and you get someone that

you call a slump buster.

That's my zone.

I'm the slump buster.

Clunt baby busts slumps.

Clunt baby busts slumps.

Oh, I spent a summer in

Jordan.

This is your travel part of the

movie, exotic locations, exotic

people.

Oh

It's Jordan. Aah!

I spent a year in Israel.

Here we go.

So that's my life.

On a scale from one to 10, how

likely do you think that you are

to go see this movie?

A 5.

Probably a 5 also.

Ohh!

Wow!

Uh, so, my name's

James Murray.

I have a rather interesting life

story.

Okay.

So, here's my sister.

She was a big influence on me

growing up.

And then, um...

That's my sista.

She's my home girl.

Oh, man. That is rough.

Next.

Leaked, and this is the intro to

it.

Here we go.

This is a real tape that

Murray made in high school to

show effects.

Veeoo.

That's just the intro.

That's right before the

foreplay.

Although one could argue that

that was part of the foreplay.

Uh, the love interest.

This is what I consider the real

crux, the meat of my life story.

Yeah.

Stalker.

Oh, my god. Okay.

On a scale of one to 10, how

likely are you to buy a ticket

to this movie?

A 9.

9?!

I would probably say one or a

2.

Ohh!

So, the average is 5.

So, it's just some stuff

about my life story that maybe

part of an upcoming biopic.

Okay.

Okay.

All right, so, this is my

family.

Just take you through them real

quick.

Um, this is my mom.

This is before she moved to this

country.

My mom was still living in her

native land, yugoslavia.

Okay.

My dad was an astronaut.

It's how they met.

What?

Anyway, yeah, so let's go on.

That was, like, my motto every

morning.

This is sal drunk one night

with our friend.

Urgh.

There it is.

What?

That was about the break of

dawn.

Moving along.

I can't wait to show you where

this goes.

Not, not like...

Maybe trim?

Yeah, a trim.

That's you actually getting a

haircut.

Aah!

Oh, that tickles.

Oh, he's ticklish.

A little ticklish, buddy.

Hands down, my idea of fun.

That's pretty much it.

Based on a scale of one to 10,

how interested would you be in

seeing this movie?

Like 2.

Okay, 2, no problem. And you?

Like a 4.

So, a 2 and a 4, so an average

of 3.

There it is!

Narrator: Sal's not cut out

for the movies, but he'll be

seeing stars in tonight's

punishment.

Let me guess.

I'm in a talent show?

Come on, no, no, no, no.

You're the judge of the talent

show.

To be more precise, it's a

children's talent show.

You like kids, right?

Yeah, I like kids.

No, you don't.

Okay.

Thank you all for coming out

today to our talent show.

Sal, you are the Simon Cowell of

this talent show!

Let's get started with our

first performer.

What sal doesn't know is that

the kids are in on it.

They know that's sal's a planted

judge.

The audience, though, has no

clue.

No idea. No idea.

Wow!

Wow!

Kid's good, Irish tap

dancing.

This kid's all right.

L look how high her legs go.

Yell, "I ordered chicken

wings an hour ago."

Clue.

No idea.

I ordered chicken wings an

hour ago.

It was really beautiful to

watch.

Thanks so much for that great

performance.

Make sure the girl knows that

you ordered chicken wings an

hour ago, too, when you give

your feedback.

I was having a hard time

concentrating, only because I

ordered chicken wings an hour

ago.

I called it out while you were

dancing.

It's hard enough to sit

through a kids' talent show.

Oh, gee.

It's hard enough

it's

it's hard enough, you guys know

this... it's hard enough to sit

through a kids' talent show.

Despite the fact that, you know,

you got to eat... I ordered

chick... anyway, forget the

chicken wings.

That was great.

Up next, we have dancing.

Sal, under your table's a bag

of potato chips.

Open it up and make it as loud

as possible while you're opening

it.

There you go, right up to the

Mike.

Right up to the Mike.

It was great, very nice.

That was good, not great.

That was...

That was good. Not great.

Thank you very much.

Next up, we have jump rope.

So you jump.

So, uh, your talent is you

jump.

So, then, you just jump, then?

You ever see a kangaroo?

Have you ever seen, like, a

kangaroo?

They jump.

They jump.

They don't get awards for it,

do they?

They don't get awards for it,

though, do they?

The audience is sh**ting you

daggers.

Thank you.

Next up, we have martial

arts.

Last one.

Last one, buddy. Last one.

Damn! Look at that landing!

He's got some good form.

Sal, do you want to get up

and do some karate moves?

Sal, show them your moves.

Show them your moves! Yeah!

Come on, buddy.

Watch this.

I could take you in a fight.

I could take you in a fight.

We know that.

No.

And they're clapping!

The crowd hates you!

They applauded that the

12-year-old was gonna beat you

up.