04x01 - Welcome to Miami

[bunniefuu]

We're in Miami, b*tch.

Prepare for something amazing.

Hey, mustache, what's up?

I want my mommy!

I will never forgive you!

Larry!

Today, we're at the

Lincoln road mall in

Miami beach, cruising around in

style.

Now, we've rigged a mobility

scooter to be remote-controlled,

so while we ride around on it,

the other guys will be

controlling where it goes.

Now, if things get too crazy

out there, you can always hit

the k*ll switch and shut the

scooter down.

But if you do that, you lose.

Sal, you look kind of at home

in the jazzy.

This is my dream.

It is?

I'm not even kidding around.

Like, my dream is to own a

hoveround, jazzy, or a rascal.

Uh... hold on, hold on, hold

on.

h*, h*, h*, h*, h*.

Come on, guys.

Sorry. Sorry. Sorry.

I'm just trying to help a pal.

Don't let go, sal.

Sal, don't let go.

Yeah, don't let go of it,

buddy.

I'm just trying to help you

out.

Okay, okay.

I'm getting the hang of it.

Take it easy, take it easy.

"Take it easy, take it easy."

Just keeps saying, "take it

easy."

Oh, watch, watch.

Take it easy, take it easy, take

it easy.

Easy. Easy, easy.

Take it easy.

Oops.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Take it easy, take it easy.

Slow it down, slow it down.

Take it easy.

All right, hold on one

second, boys.

Just hold that.

Just hold that.

All right. There we go.

I think you've had a few too

many today, bud.

All right, now just start

making noise like...

Like he's drunk?

You want to roll him into the

store?

You want to just roll him right

into the store?

Guys, please stop.

Sal ball, corner pocket.

I hate this.

There he goes.

Ask them if you know where

Collins Avenue is.

Excuse me.

Do you know where Collins Avenue

is?

Collin Avenue.

It's so rude.

He turns his back to them

immediately and then goes away.

Excuse me, guys.

You know where I can get a taxi?

Where I can get a... yeah, is

there a taxi stand around here

or something like that?

It's so rude. It's so rude.

It's so bad.

Q, pick up the pay phone.

Hey, what's going on, man?

Yeah, I don't know where to go.

Go around.

Get it right!

Ow.

I'm trying to choke him out

with it.

Yeah.

Just pull away.

This woman's taking a

picture.

I'm gonna put him in between

them.

Go, go, go, go.

It's nice out today.

Yep. Hi. How you doing?

Welcome to Miami.

Here we go.

All right. Forward.

Here you go.

See the guy on a phone.

The guy!

Within an inch of the guy while

he's on the phone.

It's a nice day, huh?

What's going on?

I want to go backwards.

Perfect, dude.

You have to announce it to

everybody that walks by you.

Hey, folks, you look like a

nice couple.

I got half a ball.

Guys, I don't know if you saw my

sign.

I haven't had lunch and I only

have half a ball.

Sir? I've lost 1 1/2 ba*ls.

I feel like an idiot out here.

Joe, your chair is

voice-activated.

Chair, go forward.

Chair forward.

Chair, st... chair. Chair.

Oh, come on. Come on, chair!

Chair, left. Chair, forward.

Forward, chair.

Chair, go forward. Forward.

Chair, stop!

Chair... oh, sorry.

Chair, stop. Sorry.

My voice activation is all

chair, follow that Booty.

Joe, do a drive-by.

Ba-ga! Ba-ga!

Do it again.

Blaka! Blaka!

Blaka! Blaka!

Blaka! Blaka! Blaka! Blaka!

Give me the money.

Joe, stop this guy with the

hat.

Where'd you get that fedora,

buddy?

The hat. That's nice.

Why don't you try to get it

off his head.

Do you mind if I see the

label?

Yeah, it's all right.

Oh, it's original?

Oh, it's Panama Jack.

These look nice.

Go, go, go.

I'll just give it a test run.

These are... what size hat are

you?

Do you know?

See ya later, bud.

The jokers cruised through

this challenge, so no one is

scooting over to the

loser-board.

Today, we're at south beach

and we're soaking up some rays.

What do we got to do?

Well, we won't know until we hit

the sand.

The other guys are gonna give

us an embarrassing task that we

need to accomplish.

If you can't do what you got

to do, you lose.

Be careful. Spf. Everywhere.

Ooh!

All right, here we go.

All you got to do, bud, is try

to find a coin.

Yeah, I got it, buddy.

I got it.

You look like a very bad

ghostbuster.

I worry about sal, guys.

I think he's too lonely.

Yeah?

Yeah?

He needs some new friends.

Yeah, lots of new friends.

I think I'm gonna go...

Why do you have your phone

out?

I just have a... someone was

calling.

Why is that funny?

Why is that funny?

Someone was calling, and now it

says "unknown."

Oh, this might be the... hold

on.

Hello?

What?

Hold on one second, please.

What's the matter?

You getting phone calls?

Why is your phone blowing up,

bud?

What the

Sorry about that.

We put your real phone number on

a plane.

Don't ever call me here.

Don't... oh, my god.

Oh, you

oh, no. Oh, no.

Oh, my god.

Hello?

Come on, man.

Time to change your phone

number.

Oh, my god.

I don't think you have to

change your number at all.

Why don't you make some friends?

Why don't you embrace this

opportunity?

I have a feeling like you

want three new friends right

now.

This is some messed-up

honestly... all right, hold on

one second.

Hello?

Actually, for you, I might be

lonely.

You get a thumbs-up, buddy,

just 'cause you're such a good

sport.

Q.

Yeah?

Do you see a tent full of

young guys drinking?

Yeah, I do.

Go up to those guys in that

tent.

Excuse me, guys?

You see those kids over

there?

Do you see those kids over

there?

You want to see something

dope?

You guys want to see

something dope?

I'm gonna go trounce on their

sand castles.

I'm gonna go trounce on

their sand castles.

We know the kids.

Oh, by the way.

Q doesn't know we know the

kids.

Yeah, the kids are all in on

it.

It's got to be done, fellas.

These kids got to learn.

Oh, my god!

There you go, kids.

It was his idea.

It was his idea.

Oh, my god.

These guys are angry.

You now look like the biggest

d*ck on the beach.

This guy's helping them rebuild

it.

Q, go back one more time and

kick the castle down.

All right, see, guys, what

he's doing isn't right.

Kick it one more time, q.

Run! Run for your life!

I've never seen him run that

fast.

Okay, here we go, bud.

Ready?

All right.

Take the towel off.

Unveil the package.

There you go.

All right, murr in a bikini.

Yeah!

Look at the tattoo!

I forgot all about it.

You duct tape.

What duct tape?

You

you made me tape it down.

As a big joke, we taped down

Murray's private area so it

would appear funny that he

didn't have, like, anything

there.

Hey, is anybody in production

looking for a totally unused...

Roll of duct tape?

Roll of duct tape?

Because this has not been used

at all.

All right, so, go up to these

women right here...

Yeah?

And try and sell them the

bikini bottoms that we gave you.

Hey, guys.

I sell a brand of men's bikini

bottoms.

They're called flatties.

I don't know if you know any men

that are looking for them.

I'm wearing a pair myself.

Keep going, keep going.

And we're an environmentally

friendly company.

We ship in very, very small

packages.

We ship them all from

lake flaccid.

We tested them.

We tested them.

And the testees were blown

away.

And the testees

were blown away.

Murr, turn around and show

them the a*s.

And the backs are very

form-fitting, too.

What do you think?

Okay. Well, thanks, guys.

I appreciate it.

I have no ba*ls.

I have no ba*ls.

Well, you tried.

He did try.

I tried to sell them.

Good try.

I tried to sell them.

That's enough.

You're a hell of a salesman,

murr.

There's no way to put this

but just to say it.

We've dressed Joe as a

mermaid.

He has to crawl from the

water to a plate of doughnuts.

That's it.

That's it.

That's all there is to it.

I think the easiest way to do

it is to use momentum.

Aah!

It is so funny seeing him

peek over the dunes.

He looks like a fat version

of...

Oh, my god.

Look at everybody.

Starting to do it.

Be honest... can you smell the

doughnuts from there?

Oh, that's... what's that?

A glazed?

That's a glazed.

I'm dry-humping this thing.

I'll dry-hump my way to a

doughnut.

This is why mermaids don't

exist.

I always thought mermaids

would be more graceful.

You are no Daryl Hannah.

How you doing, buddy?

Not good.

I really want a doughnut, but my

body is shutting down.

Yeah, you could always take

the loss, buddy.

Day's over, guys.

I'll take the loss.

Stay, buddy. It's okay.

Joey, here you go, bud.

Here you go, bud.

Oh sea gulls.

Get out of here.

This one's mine!

Get out of here, you sons of

b*tches!

Get out!

Aah!

These are my doughnuts!

Come on!

Joe and q got burned on the

beach, so they're first up on

the loser-board.

Today, we're teaming up as

doormen at the famous Miami hot

spot mango's tropical cafe.

While working the line of

clubgoers, the other team will

tell us what we have to say and

do.

If you refuse to do or say

anything...

Oh, no bueno! No bueno!

Guys, start calling out names

of people on the list.

You Carlson?

Eugene hoozhole.

Hoozhole?

Jugs mcbulge? No?

Jug mcbulge returns.

Carolina wolsenhosen?

You guys have... okay, you're on

the list?

Hey, how are you?

Good.

Just see your I.D.

Check their I.D.S using the

flashlight, but shine the light

in your eyes instead.

It's at the bottom.

Are you shining the light in

your eye?

You're from Ontario?

Ontario.

Yeah, Toronto, Ontario.

Got it.

And what's your birthday, bud?

June 3, 1990.

1990. That makes you...

That makes me 24.

Guys, I'm just checking the

I.d.

Give me a second.

Look at sal's face.

You want to keep it

together here?

We're doing a real business.

Fake!

Are you drinking tonight?

Yeah, probably.

And stamp him.

Stamp him.

Yep.

And stamp him.

Stamp them like they're

international cargo.

Inside the wrist.

Q, stamp his forehead.

There you go, q.

Wow!

Oh, they're foreigners.

They don't even...

Oh, France.

I got to tell you...

I got to tell you...

Both: I hate the

French.

I got to tell you...

Oh, I love this!

I hate the French.

What?

Have a good night, guys.

Come on in.

How old are you?

You got your I.D. On you?

This guy's young.

This guy's young.

This says you were born in

'89?

Yeah.

You look young.

You're a youngster.

I am a youngster.

I don't need yours, ma'am.

Ahhhhh... yeah!

That's it! It's done!

Oh!

Q and murr got bounced,

making q tonight's big loser.

Q's our big loser.

Yeah!

So we have gone inland to the

everglades alligator farm.

All you have to do, buddy, is

get out there in front of the

crowd and give the presentation

on your favorite animal.

Yes.

You brought cats to an

alligator farm?

Yes.

Sure. Aah!

All right.

Here we go. Here we go.

Hi, everybody.

Welcome to the

everglades alligator farm.

I'm Brian.

Oh, and in case you don't

know what an alligator is, it's

that thing right there.

There you go. Yep.

That's an alligator.

Ancient k*lling machine...

That's it.

I am an alligator expert, and

that is an alligator.

Little bit about my background.

Hold on a second.

We planned something else.

You got to get your backpack

back from the alligator, buddy.

What the hell are you talking

about?

Oh, it's not that one.

Yeah, no.

It's a different one.

Can we bring in the next

alligator?

That's your backpack with all

your clothes in it.

You can't leave until you get

your backpack.

Who wants to see him get that

backpack?

I'm not getting that.

What are you? Crazy?

I'm not getting in the water

with an alligator.

Am I?

Yeah.

Yeah, you are.

Guys, I'm gonna die.

I'm gonna die.

It's a punishment.

What do you mean it's a

punishment?

That's not a punishment.

That's a death sentence.

I mean, you have to do it.

Oh, god.

Can't I skydive?

How do I get it off?

Do I pull him up on land?

Ask him.

Ask him, "can I have my backpack

back?"

Oh, my god.

Yeah!

You got it.

All right, you're halfway there,

buddy.

You're halfway there.

Look at him.

Look at him.

But we taped the mouth, but

still, one swing of the tail,

q's done.

Good. There you go. Yeah!

Oh, my god.

All right, q!

I don't hurt you, you don't

hurt me.

That's the deal.

No, no. That's not his deal.

He didn't sign that deal.

He didn't sign that deal.

Oh, my god.

Don't put your... don't put your

fingers near his mouth!

Ohhhh!

Q, my god.

Oh-h*!

Do not... come on, man.

Get that backpack, man.

Oh, god.

Ohhhhhh!

No. Stay!

No! Stay!

Ohhhh!

He's hissing!

Yeah. That's because he's got

a backpack on.

Whoa!

Here's a hint, bud... he

doesn't like that.

I don't like it.

What are you doing?

What... what?

Are you kidding me?

You're documenting his death?

No. No growling.

Stop. Stop.

Oh, my god!

I got it!

Oh, my god!

Q, q!

Get out of there!

Get out of the water!

Get your backpack and get out

of there!

Holy

oh, this isn't your backpack.

Oh, this wasn't yours.