05x03 - Ruffled Feathers

[bunniefuu]

Narrator: Coming up,
why is Joe getting

into some "frisky" business?

It's kitty litter.

Narrator: What's rubbing sal
the right way?

And which losing joker
will be preyed upon

in tonight's punishment?

Sal:
Prepare for something amazing.

Q: Hey, mustache, what's up?

Murr:
I want my mommy!

Sal:
I will never forgive you!

Joe: Larry!

Today we are conducting
focus groups

for products
that we've invented.

But we have no idea
what these crazy inventions are

because they've been created
by the other guys.

At the end, we'll ask the group
how likely they are

to buy our product
by show of hands.

Whoever gets the fewest
amount of hands raised loses.

I clearly won causal Friday.

- Here we go.
- Thank you guys for coming.

I appreciate it.

My name is James Murray.
I'm an inventor.

You're opinion is really crucial
at this point in the process.

So, let's get started.

And here's the product.

This is...

It's the crotch watch.

Crotch watch.

These days, it's all
about wearables, right?

Right.

Crotch watch takes that
to then next level.

It's great for many purposes.

It's Wi-Fi-
and Bluetooth-enabled.

You can download your e-mail.
You can respond to texts.

As you're running,
you can seamlessly,

easily check what time it is,

your heart rate.

It does have
a heart-rate monitor in it, too.

What vein is it reading?

I'll show you, for example,
how it would work, okay?

Let me just...

This is worn outside the pants,

just so you're clear.

If you're running...

If you're running
and you get tired...

Read my e-mail.

Respond to Sandra.

You can also use it
in business meetings.

Let's say I'm here,

and I'm in the middle
of a business meeting, okay?

How rude is it if I go...

Less rude is this.

I've just responded to a text.

Start programming it.

I can set the alarm to go off.

Q: Just jiggle
your nuts.

Now, you can set the alarm
to go off under the table.

So, for example,
if you would see me...

I'm actually setting
the alarm to go off.

"It's also good
for the single man."

It's also good
for the single man.

You're out and about in a bar,

a beautiful lady asks you
what time it is.

You tell her to take a look.

Okay.
Now she's interested.

No, man.
It's the crotch watch.

"No, man."

By show of hands,
how many of you think

you would actually purchase
the crotch watch?

- Two!
- Whoa!

Wow.

You're left not knowing
what time it is.

Why don't we get started?

Jalapeño milk.

You know, you ever just have
a sip of milk and be like,

"damn, I wish this had
some jalapeño in it"?

Anybody ever wanted to spice up

their boring old bowl
of fruit cereal?

No.

I'm just thinking what cereal

would complement jalapeño milk.

Well, we're actually...

Maybe, like, another cereal
we're developing is, um...

Tacos.

Like, cheerios,
but, like, tac-o's.

This is "farm to table."

We feed jalapeños

to the cows.

Does it...

The jalapeños, 'cause they're...

No, the cows...

Well, we get cows from Mexico,

so they're used to it.

- They're used to it?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It comes in three
different levels of fiery.

It's mild, medium,

and "burn your damn mouth."

Sal: Look at his face!

Thoughts?

I don't think milk is made
to be spicy.

It just seems like an odd thing.

Well, let me ask you
a question...

Do you like milk?
- Yes.

- Do you like spicy food?
- I do.

Well, I've already sold one.

Boom.

All right, well,
why don't we take a vote.

Do you think that if
jalapeño milk was on the market

you would purchase it?

I would purchase it.

- Ohh!
- Oh!

- One.
- One.

Q: Jalapeño milk is
for... You.

Hey, guys.
How's it going?

- Good.
- Come on in. I'm Joe.

What's your name?
- Keisha.

- Keisha, how are you?
- Nice to meet you.

- Francesca.
- Francesca, Joey.

Call her "franch."

Joe: Have any of you ever done
a focus group before?

Oh, okay.

Francesca: Online.

Oh, you do it online, franch?

"Franch."

Okay, great,
so I'll get started.

This is...

It's a briefcase.

There you go, buddy.
Open that briefcase.

It's kitty litter.

Are you a business person
on the go?

Do you have a kitty cat
that you love?

Do you wish you could bring it
with you on the go?

- Oh, no.
- No.

- No?
- No.

Just because you won't travel
with your feline, franch,

doesn't mean
that other people wouldn't.

All right,
so, now this lockable,

so you could...
No one steals your kitty litter.

"You know,
in some countries..."

In some countries...

"kitty litter is
more valuable than gold."

kitty litter is actually
more valuable than gold.

Sal:
What country is that?

It's more
the eastern European regions

because it's hard
to import there.

So, the slovakias...

Anything that really ends
with "-akia."

But it's easy.

If you're on the go,
and you just have this...

This is... basically,
you're carrying

your kitty litter with you.

"Am I a businessman

or am I holding
a briefcase full of

is this a briefcase full of cat

or is it important documents
that I need to get to someone?

You think
the smell's gonna be a problem?

Q: "You know what?

I took a
in Saint Louis last year.

It works for humans, too."

Like, wider, rectangular...
You don't even have

to make it deeper...
- He's winding up to say it.

Francesca: But if you even had
more, like, space in there,

like, the cat can't kick it
over, and it has more space.

But this is coming
at you, franch.

You know, this is
a working prototype.

I took a last week
in this in Saint Louis.

Nothing.

"This is my carry-on.

- I take this with me.
- Take a in Saint Louis.

Nothing.

"Franch,
you take right?"

Oh, wow.

If you think about it,
cats are the only species

that you don't have
to train, right?

Franch, you take right?

-Mm-hmm.

By show of hands,
who thinks they would buy

this product
if it came to market?

One.

- Oh.
- Oh, come on!

Appreciate the feedback.
You guys were great.

And I got a bridge.
Any of you guys want to buy it?

My name is sal vulcano.

I'm the inventor
of these products.

I'm trying
to bring them to market.

And I would just like
to get your honest feedback.

- Get ready for it.
- Oh, my god.

So, the first product is...

Tire baby.

It's a tire
that is also cutely designed

to be a baby toy.

What?

We found that a lot parents
who are expecting

and didn't want to know
the sex of their babies,

they needed gender-neutral toys.

And what we did is we took
the best of both worlds.

Obviously, we know little girls
love to have babies,

and they have an innate
nurturing thing for them.

And then, know boys are,
you know, rough-and-tumble

and they like cars
and motorcycles

and dirt and tires.

So, you have the sweetness
of an infant

and the rough-and-tumbleness of
that rubbery smell of the tire.

The toxic, rubbery smell
of the tire.

You know, if you do need a tire,

and you're in a jam,
as an adult,

you could...
These are removable.

Q: Look how confused
everyone is.

You're initial thoughts?

Just tires in general,
like, seem dirty...

Outdoor, outside,

dirty-type thing.
- Yeah, you're right.

That's actually
very interesting.

If this was on the market,
how many of you,

by show of hands,
would purchase a tire baby?

Q: Zero!

So, a big zero?

Narrator:
Sal's invention fell flat,

so he's first up
on the loser board.

Today, we're invading
David z. Shoes here
in Manhattan.

While doing our thing, we
got to do and say what
the other guys tell us.

And as always, if you can't do
and say what you're told,

you lose.

Apparently, Murray's
an employee here.

- Yeah, he's got a new job.
- The rest of us are not.

Let's do this.

Joe: All right, bud,
here we go.

Yeah, go to someone like
you're telling them a
secret, like, psst, psst.

Psst!
Psst!

"I first started around
with feet in college."

I first started around
with feet in college.

Wow, she turned, like, beet red.

Murr: Sal, this guy with
the baseball hat backwards...

Go up behind him, hug him,
and say "remember Trinidad?"

Remember Trinidad?

Remember Trinidad?

Yeah.

Oh... oh, that's not you.
Sorry.

I thought you were consuelos.

Sal: Sorry, bud.

Sorry.

Joe: Sal can't even turn
around to face the same
direction as the guy.

Look at him.

Murr: Sal, turn
and lock eyes with him.

Sal, moan every time
you pick up a shoe you like.

Again, again!

Murr: One more,
one more, one more!

Oh! Ohh!

Sal: Murray's
the only one today

that's gonna be
an employee because...

He's the only one
that fits in the shirt.

The only had medium shirts.

And we are "not-medium guys".

This kid with the red shirt.

You know, that front chest clip?

Unclip it for him and go,
"no, not in my store."

Q:

Murr:
Oh, that's a clip?

Ah, no, no, no, no.

Not in my store.
Not in my store.

Just keep it unclipped.

Go back.
Change your mind.

It's not my right to say that.
You can clip it.

It's a store policy.
It's a dumb policy.

Keep it clipped.
- Now put his glasses on him.

Keep it clipped.
But these should be down.

Okay.

All right.

- Down, down. Down.
- Down, down.

- What?
- It's just store policy.

Joe: Now the clip.

Now you can shop.

- Murr, see this lady in the hat?
- Yeah.

"Nice 'tittoo.'"

nice "tittoo."

- "Tattoo! Tattoo!"
- Uh - tattoo.

Wow!
Nic tattoo.

"Oh, you have one on
your arm, so you have a
nice set of tittoos.

Oh, you got one
on your arm, too.

You got a nice set of tittoos.

"Nice pair of tats."

That tats are nice, too.

Good job, murr.

Murr: Hey, Joe,
as people walk by,

ask them if they're there
for the threesome.

Q: From a seated position.

Are you guys here
for the threesome?

Are you here for the threesome?

No? Okay.

Q: He's got
the saddest face.

You guys here for the threesome?

You guys here for the threesome?

No.

You look like Forrest Gump
when was on the bench waiting

for his son to get out of school

and he's just staring off.

You guys here
for the threesome? No?

Stood up by another threesome.

This guy in the green shirt...

"do you think
I could paint you someday?"

Excuse me.

Do you think I could, uh...

Paint you someday?

No?

Oh, your phone's ringing.

"Oh, hey,
New York escort service."

Joe: New York
escort service.

Just walk
around the store talking

about your side gig
as an escort.

Joe: No, no,
we're very discreet.

We charge the credit card
under "aquarium services."

No, we just Bill it
under "aquarium." We
don't do aquarium work.

We just Bill it
to keep it discreet.

"Oh, oh, no, I can bring fish."
No, I can bring fish
if that's what you need.

Joe: You pick the outfit online,
and I wear it.

"You ever see
'finding Nemo'?"

Joe: Did you ever see
"finding Nemo"?

Q: "I could be
your dory."

Joe: I could be
your dory, yeah.

You be that clownfish.

Well, my escort services are
normally $129 an hour.

You need this sale, buddy.

Joe: No, no, no,
it's negotiable.
It's negotiable.

We could go
to $49.99.

I can even go $19.99,
if I'm gonna be straight
honest with you.

I don't know how much better
you're looking for...

$15.99.
I could do $15.99.

Hello?

Joe: Q has a talent
that we don't possess

where he can get a high five no
matter what he says to people.
Yes, he can.

He always get a high five.
It always converts.

Q, test my theory
for me, won't you, pal?

Oh, I can't wait.

How about just go to somebody,
"I smell that stank!"

Q: Smell that stank!

I told you!

- Charges were dropped.
- What's that?

- My charges were dropped.
- Oh, good for you, man.

Double!
He got a double!

Oh, that's cool, man.
Hey-oh!

Sorry.
I just beefed.

It's unbelievable.

This couple
to your left right here...

Just say "divorce lawyer
or are you good?"

Q: Hey, excuse me.

I'm a divorce attorney.

You good?

Q: Good?

Okay. Okay.

I'll try again tomorrow.

There's this Asian baby
in the stroller...

"is that one yours?"
- Is that one yours?

Q: The kid?

Yeah, ah.

"How old?"

Aww, how old?
How old is he?

A year.

Aww.

"He, uh,
in the toilet yet?"

Is he in the toilet yet?

Starts doing
the number two at two.

Okay, I got it.

Narrator: Sal may have put
his best foot forward,

but he's still
tonight's big loser.

Hey!
Sal's our loser.

And today, bud,
for your punishment,

we're heading into the zoo.
- Yeah, that's right.

You're gonna be playing
an animal expert giving

your presentation
on your favorite animals.

- Okay.
- Dude, animals so cute

that I'm gonna be coming in
with you, pal.

You're coming in
with me?
Yeah!
He's your wingman.

Oh, okay.

There's wings?

Man: Here we go.

- Hey, everybody!
- Hello, everyone.

How are you?
- Hey!

All right.

Look at q... he's really
in the spirit of this thing.

Sal: Welcome
to "meet the animals."

I am sal.
- And I'm Brian.

Q: Just a word of caution,
these are wild animals,

so not anybody
should just handle them.

You need to be trained
like sal and I were

extensively trained
to handle these beasts.

Let's bring out
the first animal, shall we?

"The first animal is
my personal favorite.

It's an adorable ferret."

Q: Aww.

It's an adorable ferret.

- Hey, ferret.
- Hey, buddy.

Many people have ferrets
as pets.

It has sharp talons and claws.

"Careful... they spray."

Heart's going a mile and minute,
and apparently they spray.

Joe: They love when you put them
on your shoulder.

And they love when you put them
on your shoulder.

Joe: "Like so."

- Like... so.
- Oh, yeah, he peed.

- He peed?
- He peed.

Joe:

All right, all right,
come here. I got him.

Oh, there.

Let's hear it
for the ferret everybody.

Mwah.

You're a cute animal.

All right, let's bring out
the next animal.

Murr: "This is an argentinian
tegu lizard."

Oh, my goodness.
It's an Argentinean tegu lizard.

- You got to get him there.
- I don't have to do anything.

It's from Argentina.

Murr: "Like the ferret,
they also love shoulders."

Well...

You know, uh, I'm gonna make
Brian show you the rest.

That's not my animal, buddy.

Like a ferret,
they also like to go...

And hang out on my shoulders.

Let's see you
put him on your shoulder, bud.

So...

That tongue hits your ear, huh?

Joe: Look at sal!

Oh, my god.
Oh, my god!

Okay, guy!
Okay, guy!

Okay!

You know what it is? Aah!
You know what it is?

I haven't seen him in a month.
I've been in Africa on safari.

Let's bring out my next animal.

This is gonna be
the best moment of my life.

- It's a red-tailed hawk.
- Red-tailed hawk!

Look at the size of it!

Look at the size of it.

No, you know what it is?
I've been away for a month.

"In the safari."

This is...

This is a red-tailed hawk.

We also have
a peregrine falcon coming out

to meet you guys today.

Joe:
Look how scared he is!

Murr:
Why don't you copy him, q?

Is this bird...
Is this bird facing my face?

Joe: Yeah, it's staring
at your face.

Sal:
Can you not do that?

Oh, my god!

Buddy, sweet...
Help me! Help me!

Help me, guy!
The guy!

Help me with the guy!

Is the guy here?

Please, guy!

I've been in Africa!

Joe:
"Thanks for coming.

Enjoy your day
at the zoo."

Thank you for coming.

Enjoy the rest of your day
at the Bergen county zoo.

Thank you.
Never again.