05x05 - The Merry Lives of Pepper Ann

[bunniefuu]

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

Who's that girl?
What's her name?

Is she cool?
Is she lame?

Oh, you're talking about what's her name

-Pepper Ann!
-Pepper Ann!

Is she lame? Is she cool?

Is she breaking every rule?

Is she anybody's fool?

-Pepper Ann!
-Pepper Ann!

Pepper Ann! Pepper Ann!
Marching in her own parade

Pepper Ann, she's like one in a million

Pepper Ann!
Pepper Ann!

Much too cool for seventh grade

Catch her if you can
Pepper Ann!

-BOY 1: Who?
-GIRL 1: Is that that girl from gym class?

BOY 2: No, that's me.
GIRL 1: Oh.

GIRL 2: Who is she and why does she have
her own song?

PEPPER ANN: Did someone take my lunch?

[SCHOOL BELL RINGING]

Pepper Ann!
Pepper Ann!

Marching in her own parade

Pepper Ann
She's like one in a million!

Pepper Ann!
Pepper Ann!

Much too cool for seventh grade
No one's cooler than Pepper Ann!

She's her own biggest fan, Pepper Ann!

-Catch her if you can, Pepper Ann!
-Sir Talonsworth.

[TRUMPETS PLAYING]

Good morrow, customer!
Hast thou a taste for mutton?

No? Thou art sure?

Mayhap thou wouldst like to hear
a ballad most educational?

Of course they wouldn't, you gorbellied,
dizzy-eyed malt worm!

Then a ballad it is!

[YELLS]

Hear ye a tale of a pretty, young Nancy

Who became a frequent flyer of fancy

Only to learn leaving reality
Can be chancy

Backstreet's may be back in town

But Pepper Ann wears a might frown

For as life outside goes round and round,

Her math studies hast chained her down

-[CLINKING]
-Math test or no math test,

Pepper Ann needs a moment for Pepper Ann!

LYDIA: Peppie! Your dentist appointment!

Haven't you left yet?

No, I haven't, Mom, because you see,

Pepper Ann's taking a moment for...

[SIGHS] Well, at least
I'm not gonna have my teeth drilled.

Peppie, you're going to the dentist
specifically to get your teeth drilled.

You have three cavities.

The dentist called you
a yuck mouth, remember?

Oh. Well, at least
I don't have any chores.

Actually, I need you to hurry back
and whack the weeds.

Well, at least
I don't have to shuck any corn.

[THUDDING]

Where are you going?
I thought you wanted to study.

There is no escape from algebra.

Lemonade stands,
Two for Tuesdays at the Red Snapper,

weekend gross tallies,
it will always find you.

Just hang out for a little bit.

I gotta go to the dentist,
but I'll be back soon.

Hi, guys.

-Hey, hey, hey.
-What's up.

[WHISTLING]

Oh! Antitrust.
Anyone up for a game?

-Sure.
-Why not?

Oh, I'll play. On one condition.

That you all solemnly vow
to complete the game in its entirety.

[BOTH GASP]

-Are you mad, boy?
-That's preposterous!

No one has ever finished
a game of Antitrust!

Fine. Enjoy the tedium of waiting.

It's my understanding

that Pepper Ann has to shuck corn
when she gets back.

The hard kind that takes a long time
to shuck.

-[SIGHS] Okay.
-Fine.

And away went Pepper Ann
To the dentist's chair

For a most long
And uncomfortable stay there

The dentist,
He drilled Pepper Ann's teeth three

And with a thirst, ere she
Left for the Greezy N' Cheezy

What up, galilee?

[GROANS] I just had to go to the dentist.

Three cavities.

How does this happen?

[GLUGGING]

Uh... Did he, like, numb your mouth?

Yeah, he did. Why?

Oh, I... No reason.

Um... I have to jam these pizzas to my ma.

Huh? [GROANS]

Okay, okay, things are going bad,

but the day's gotta get better!

No. I'm done with today.

No more today.

Lame math homework, stupid chores,

three cavities,
dribbling in front Craig.

You're going too fast!

If you don't slow down,
you're going to biff it

or throw off the space-time continuum!

Please! I know how to handle spee...

[SHRIEKS]

Oh! I got the foot caught
in a gopher hole.

-Hold it.
-[PEPPER ANN SCREAMING]

[CRASHING]

[SIGHS] So much hay.

[TRUMPETS PLAYING]

What is this place?

[GASPS]

[GASPS]

Great Fuzzy of China! 1596!

But how...

[GASPS]The space-time continuum!

I've gotta keep moving.

[TENSE MUSIC PLAYING]

[INDISTINCT CHATTERING]

[GRUNTS] A thousand pardons, fair lady!

A thousand pardons!

Mayhap ye accept this token of repentance
for my most clumsy of tramplings?

Thank...thee.

OLD WOMAN: My garlands!

Stop, you urchin-snouted scoundrel!

Constable!

[GASPS] A wizard! It's my only hope
of returning to the 21st Century!

Come ye to have your fortunes told
by tarot or by sparrow?

Sparrow?

'Tis something new I'm working on.

Neither.

I hath been, uh... whisked away-eth
from my true era.

Thou mustust helpeth me returnst.

Prithee please, sir!

Hold, lass.

[RUSTLING]

Wand-wielder, I need not fashion!

Fie! 'Tis not fashion, 'tis magic, girl!

Run away from the faire,
fast as ye feet can take you.

As these ribbons of enchantment
dance in the breeze,

you shall be ferried off
to when you once were.

[GASPS] Thank thee, good wizard!

Your kindness shall not-eth
be forgotten-eth.

[TRUMPETS PLAYING]

I hast made it!

I have returnethed
into mine time most proper!

[CHUCKLES]

Thank thee. Thank thee, good wizard!
Thank thee!

I'm gonna miss the 1500s.

That was one fun centur-ye.

GIRL 3: Didn't you get your hand stamped?

-Huh?
-For the faire, Pepper Ann?

The Renaissance Faire?

The wondrous playground of pretend
and playacting?

-[TRUMPETS PLAYING]
-Renaissance Fair...

-[THUDS]
-Pepper Ann?

So, to home did P.A. go back

Where she did find many a weed to whack

And then for her mom
She shucked the corn

Finally returning inside, forlorn

Hey, I'm done with my chores.
Do you guys want to study now?

We can't.

My company owns the exclusive rights
to yellow mustard!

Now is your deli franchise
ready to talk turkey?

[SIGHS]

[GROANS] I actually thought
I went back in time.

What a dork.

You think you're the dork?

What about the faire-goers
dressing and talking like Sir Loo of Ser

and Good Lady Geekhead?

[LAUGHS] Yeah.

[SIGHS] But those costumes
were pretty cool.

Hey.

-[CLATTERING]
-[CAT YOWLS]

My costume from the play!

"Good morrow, fair gent!

"Hath thou seen
such a halibut most goodly?"

I don't know.

Maybe the people at the faire
weren't such dorks.

It's fun to pretend you're somebody else
for a few hours.

Thou art going to get in trouble
with thy mom if thy don't, uh... Geez!

Just get back to your math homework!

Ha! Thy mirror may haveth two faces
but only oneth Elizabethan tongue!

-[LAUGHS]
-Dost thou have a math test to study for?

[SHRIEKS]

A pox on algebra.

BALLADEER: And soon Pepper Ann's mind

Began to wander back to the faire

To the wonder and food
And wizardry there

Her mind became consumed
With her return

So much so,
That it became hard to learn

MS. STARK: Pepper Ann!

Though I admire your passion
for the arts,

you were asked to solve the equation,
not draw a picture of Don Quixote.

I call him Sir Solvesalot.

If you don't shape up,
you'll be known as Handmaiden Failsomuch.

Okay. Three day countdown to the test.

Who's up for a study jam?

We'd be up for said jam, but...

We have to finish
our game of Antitrust with Crash.

You have to play a board game

with my seven-year-old
sister's best friend?

And your little sister.

She's become indentured, too.

If we're lucky, we might finish today.

Just k*ll a few hours in the meantime,
and the study-shinny will commence later.

Bye, Pepper Ann.
Enjoy your hour-k*lling.

[SIGHS]

[SOFT MUSIC PLAYING]

You, you barbaric dilettantes!

Don't you see the craft, the art here?

Think! Be-a-fool! Be-a-fool!

Tomato toss!

Tomato toss!

Throw a vegetable at an oaf
for one and fifty!

You, lass! Take a throw or three!

MAN: Alas, 'tis a jest!

The girl hath no arm for throwin'!

My apologies to you, fair fool...

In this case, eating thy words
'tis especially acidic!

-Let us have a go!
-'Tis my turn!

She hast changed
the way I look at tomatoes!

What an arm have ye!

You must join up and be my junior hawker!

Me, a hawker?

[LAUGHS] No, no, I think not
that I couldst be a...

tomato toss!

Sound thy squish of victory
for only one and fifty!

Make a fool's face red
for a most reasonable amount of bread!

Come on, man!

Use thy follow through!

BOY 3: A thousand forgivenesses,
fair maiden.

Because of the proximity,
I feel emboldened to introduce myself.

I am Guiles of Cork, at your service.

I am... Gwynne of, uh...

-Bottle.
-Bottle?

Well, I must admit,

the fortunes of a complete education
hast not been bestowed upon me.

I travel with my father
from land to land,

selling wares and meeting good folk.

'Tis an exchange I relish.

What of you?

I, uh...

am new to these parts.

Then, if thou wouldst,
prithee consider me thy friend.

Shalt I show you around the faire
in an hour's time?

-You should returneth to your studies.
-[CHIMING]

I am most privileged
to accept thy goodly invitation.

[THUDS]

BALLADEER: Shall Pepper Ann's test
wind up with a D?

I'd wager a crown most probably

But for the truth, forsooth,
We should wait and...

Enough of your larking, whelp!
Will you shut...

-[BONKS]
...See.

[LIGHT MUSIC PLAYING]

[SIGHS] 'Tis the end
of another day's labor.

'Tis how thou considers the faire? Labor?

Well, perhaps for the smith
or the dough fryer, but not I.

Nay, thy faire in mine eyes
is a place alive,

rife with wonder.

Aye, Guiles.

'Tis like a dream with jousting
and good pickles.

And best, yet,
no accursed algebra to be seen!

What is this algebra?

-Some kind of t*rture?
-Exactly.

Tell me of your life in Bottle, Gwynne.

Have you family there still?

How should thou, a noble, find thy way
to the employ of a tomato splattery?

Um... I'll tell thee tomorrow. Anon.

Then it's tomorrow
I shall look forward to!

[LEAVES RUSTLING]

And again, Pepper Ann's fancy ends
For the best

As she returneth home
To study for the test.

But there she sees a scene of scenes

A board game, a living room

And the shells of two tweens

Uh, guys? Can we study now?

Please, Crash!

Free us from this heckish boardgame!

-I beg you!
-No.

Oh, yes, yes, yes!

Crashie gots the phone company!

[WHIMPERS]

Okay, Gwynne.

You've had your fun,
but now it's time for a little reality.

Gramercy, thou art as wise
as thou is reflective!

Thy time for reality has come.

You know, reality is boring.

What are you doing?
What about your algebra?

I'm going to the library
to work on Lady Gwynne's history.

It'll help me with the test.

Medieval history is chock-full of algebra,
or so they say.

I'm guaranteed an A!

A C-minus!

You really can, you know.

[SOMBER MUSIC PLAYING]

CRAIG: Hey, my guitar! Watch where you...

Pepper Ann?

-Craig?
-[CAMERA FLASHES]

[LAUGHS] I didn't know it was you.

Oh, geez.

I gotta jam to Bio.

Me... Sorry... As too.

Extry, extry!

Pepper Ann named "Dork of the Week"!

Well, thou asked me of my life.

'Tis not much to tell.

In actuals, I am a noblewoman,
descended from the Saxon King of Kent,

Ethelbert the II.

Though I hadst never thought of entering
a dragon-riding contest,

I found myself with first prize,

and the lifelong friendship of Gagor,

a dragon most ferociously splendid!

And though only days before
I had been the pirates' prisoner,

my fate hadst turned!

There I found mine place,
as the captain of their ship!

[APPLAUSE]

A most amazing lass are you,
Gwynne of Bottle.

Good morrow.

Good morrow, Trinket and Cissy!

Prithee, have we any turkey legs,
dear Mum?

Uh... We're having Lasagna à la Lydia.

A thousand pardons, ma'am.

What a wondrous, exotic victual
this "lasagna" must be!

Forsooth, I shant use paper napkins!

I shalt look for cloth!

It could have been worse.

She could have joined the mime troupe.

PEPPER ANN: The napkins I found!

Let us sing a song of joy!

'Tis Mary the monger with food aplenty

Go there and fill up at her shanty

-[GASPS]
-BALLADEER: Thus a Pepper Ann

became a Gwynne

And that day did her life again begin

Alas her change
Was not completely complete

What stayed the same was the world
Beneath her feet

[SNEEZES]

Much love, P.A.,

but this whole medieval mojo
is getting too distracting.

Come home, sister.

Listen, I don't want to bust
any sap-rap here,

but we all want to be
other peeps sometimes.

Heck, once in a while I pretend
I'm a French mack

named Jacques Canard D' Fromage.

But never in school.

And the bird has to go.

[GASPS] Not Sir Talonsworth!

MR. FINKY: Yes.
Principal Hickey is ornithophobic.

That's why I'm talking to you.

Now, between your Middle Age antics

and this C-minus on your algebra test...

A C-minus?

Goodly educator,

-gramercy for thy concern...
-Enough!

Peppie, effective immediately,
you are to dress and speak normally,

and you can no longer associate
with hawks!

And no more hanging out at the faire
until your grades come up!

-But, Mum...
-Not mum. Mom!

-[SQUAWKS]
-[GASPING]

'Tis with great regret
I accept your resignation, Gwynne.

There shalt never be
another splatterer of your like again.

So, it's true.

My mother dost believe
I shouldst returneth to my studies.

I shall take my leave of the faire
this day.

I just wanted to say,
gramercy for being mine friend.

Wouldst thou meet me outside the faire?

I know of a strange place
that serves a pye of tomato and anchovy.

The Greezy N' Cheezy.

I will find this place, Guiles.

And there, I shall meet you.

Ooh! You won a hog-calling contest!

That's worth 16 agribusiness consortiums!

Crash, you're not even winning the game!

Why do we have to finish?

Because we said we would!

This horrid game caused me to get a B plus
on my algebra test,

driving my average down
to a 4.299!

Alice Kane with her 4.300,
has passed me in the rankings!

It's your turn, Little. Roll.

Fine! That is it!

I am going to win this game
and I will end it!

-[DICE CLACKING]
-Um... Nicky?

I've been tearing up this board
and kickin' token since I sat down.

And you, with your petty flavored
ice trust think you're going to win?

Think again, Little!

Kamalani's gonna break all of you off
something proper!

Let's go, sister!

So, thus began a melee

While upstairs,
Pepper Ann's thoughts did stray

Of meeting Guiles
After the noon of the next day

Hold it, Peppie.

I have completed mine homework

and I shalt obey your precept
considering the faire.

Now, prithee, Mum,

mayhap I can enjoy
what's left of thine afternoon?

Peppie, wait.

It's just that... I miss Pepper Ann.

I miss the old you, Peppie.

Gramercy for your goodly permission, Mum.

Ha! Surcharge!
You landed on my ticket kiosk!

That's a 25-buck service fee per ticket!

Blast you and your accursed
concert ticket cartel!

-Guiles?
-Gary.

Why did you wear your costume
to the Greezy N' Cheezy?

My costume?

I mean, mine goodly gown?

What else wouldst I adorn mine frame with?

Um... You don't have to
keep talking Elizabethan.

We're in public now.

-Just be yourself.
-I am none other!

Thou hast become most addled, Guiles!

Gary.

Listen, I've gotten pretty good
with numbers,

working at the booth every summer.

So, if you want,
I can help you with your algebra.

What is this algebra?
Some sort of t*rture?

[LIGHT MUSIC PLAYING]

[GRUNTS] Hast not your mother
forbidden you from the faire?

How does thou know such?

A wizard knows.

The faire 'tis the only world I know, now.

But does thy goodly faire know you?

Thou art Pepper Ann Pearson.

Not Lady Gwynne.

Thou art mistaken! I am Lady Gwynne!

I... Wait.

-How does thy know...
-Thy true name?

Look at the hat, lass.

I know thy true name
and I know thy true fate.

Thou must return to thy real world.

But mine world is rife
with algebra disasters

and embarrassing Chillade spills.

Tell me, ist thou afraid?

Lady Gwynne is descended
from the Saxon King of Kent

and a dragon rider.

She 'tis nary afraid of a thing!

But what of Pepper Ann?

Should she shun her family,

her friends, her goodly cat,

simply for fear of bombing tests
and looking as if a dorketh of Chillade?

Come, lass, you can't find all your joy
in this fakery.

What have you here, at the faire?

Grand gowns and garlands.

Tomatoes and turkey legs.

Jousts and jests.

But not a real life.

Out there, thou shall find that.

And, if thou looks hard enough,

ye shall find jousts and jests there, too.

Real ones.

Thou most certainly will find turkey legs.

-Thanks.
-Good morrow, Pepper Ann.

[GROANS] I told those knobs no sausage!

-[ZAPS]
-[YELLS]

[SNORTING]

PEPPER ANN: Hi, Gary.

I'm Pepper Ann Pearson.
Pleased to meet you.

Where's Gwynne?

Back at the faire, where she belongs.

Sorry, I'm off the clock.

You can't do that balladeer thing

We're goin' bowlin', getting some flautas.

[SIGHS] Okay, fine. One more song!

And thus we bid adieu to Gwynne

For the real world finally did justly win

But no sadness

For, in the end
Pepper Ann had made a new friend

Hi, Mom. This is Gary.

-You're speaking...
-Normally.

We're going to study algebra.

-But, Mom?
-Yes?

Can we have turkey legs for dinner?

Sure. Tomorrow.

Tonight we're having
Smoothified orange roughy.

-[BIRD SQUARKS]
-[OBJECT CLATTERS]

Sir Talonsworth!

My roughy!

...four, five, six!

[LAUGHS]

Here's a subpoena for you, Kamalani.

Your software conglomerate is through!

And that makes me, Nicky Anais Little,
the winner!

-Yes!
-No!

Finally, the never-ending nightmare
that was Antitrust has ended.

Kneel before me,
for I am your champion!

-Play again?
-Sure.

-Right on.
-[CRASH SIGHS]

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]