01x16 - Puck Fiction

[bunniefuu]

[theme music playing]

♪ On the road to glory ♪

♪ Ain't no turning back ♪

♪ It's got to be
the Mighty Ducks ♪

♪ On a quack attack! ♪

♪ Look out, clear the way ♪

♪ The Ducks
are here to play! ♪

♪ Ducks rock!♪

[fans cheering]

[c.speakerTop]♪ Ducks rock! ♪

♪ Mighty Ducks! ♪

♪ Here come the Mighty Ducks ♪

♪ Burning up the ice! ♪

♪ Just try and stop
the Mighty Ducks ♪

♪ And you're gonna pay
the price! ♪

♪ Here come the Mighty Ducks ♪

♪ Fighting for the gold! ♪

♪ Let's hear it
for the Mighty Ducks ♪

♪ Time to rock and roll! ♪

♪ Let's go ♪

♪ Let's go! ♪

♪ Ducks rock! ♪

♪ Mighty Ducks!
Ducks rock! ♪

♪ Let's hear it
for the Mighty Ducks! ♪

♪ Mighty Ducks! ♪

-[footsteps approach]
-[car door unlocks]

Should've have brought
puck blasters for this deal.

How many of 'em are in there?

You know, two, maybe three.

Whoa! Hatrick plus Klegghorn
that's four.

We should've brought
the puck blasters.

Hey, remember that cartoon
we saw about the...

What's his name?
Bernie right? Bernie.

-You know, the bear, right?
-[Grin] He wasn't a bear.

What do you mean,
"He wasn't a bear"?

He had ears like a bear.
He had a big nose like a bear.

He also had a dog.
What kind of bear
has a pet dog?

Well, let's get in character.

The Comedian sent us.

[grunting and mumbling]

Unexpected company?

Yeah, he tried to bust us.

So, you got the big
"What's it"?

Right here.

-[Grin] That it?
-Oh, yeah!

The Comedian said he'd pay
a 100 G's, you got it?

Negative, junior.

You see, we aren't really
with the Comedian.

[poetically] "Go quietly
and make the noise in haste

and know what comfort
there maybe in silence."

Not Desiderata.
[whining]

I hate that stupid poem.

-Works every time.
-Look out!

[shatters]

-Missed him.
-Man, I hate spiders!

[grunts]

[Nosedive]
Wow, Captain Klegghorn,

you really coming up
snake eyes today, buddy boy.

I knew you birds were no good!

Relax, Cappy,
keep your underwear on.

What the heck's inside
that thing anyway?

Its a flashlight...

with an amber filter
on it, wow!

Oh, and this incredible
huge jewel.

How'd you know about that?

Somebody's gotta get
to the bottom of all these

jewel robberies
and you arrested
our team mates.

Okay, see, it all started...

Woah! Getting a little dizzy.

OK, just a little flashback.

See, it all started
a couple of days ago

while we were practicing.

[grunts]

Ooh, boy, you are sh**ting
rockets today, Mallory.

Babes, it's over, we're ruined!

[Wildwing] What are you
talking about, Phil?

It's on TV right now.

Tanya,
patch it to the jumbotron.

I am issuing warrants

for the arrest
of the six aliens known as

"The Mighty Ducks".

[reporter]
Eh, Captain, on what ground?

I'll show you "what grounds".
Roll the tape.

-[theme music plays]
-♪ Mighty Ducks, ducks rock ♪

let's hear it for the... ♪

[Captain Klegghorn]
Not that tape!

This proves that the
Mighty Ducks are behind

the rash of jewel theft
that have plagued Anaheim.

Whoever they are,
they look like us.

Yeah, but can they do our
distinctive voices?

You can't let the cops get you.

Not only that we got
to find out who's
impersonating us.

Don't worry, babes,

I'll hire the best lawyer
money can buy.

Hello, Renechiester,
you got a six for one discount?

[siren blaring]

[engine revving]

-Turbines to speed.
-Turbines at full power.

There's only a few places
that haven't been hit.

And this diamond exchange
is one of them.

[alarm rings]

Uh... was one of them.
Come on!

It's us!

Get us, uh, them!

Who the blazes are they?

I don't know but I smell a big

fat trademark
infringement suit.

[grunts]

Shall we dance? [grunts]

Oh, I think we're both leading.

Yah!

What the?

They're robots.

[strains] I hate to do this.

You got such an honest face,
you know.

[grunts]

[grunts]

I got you, buddy.
[strains]

What am I doing? [screams]

Woah! Ow, ow, blade.

What a downer.

[Nosedive] Now we got
the evidence we need.

What...?

You were saying?

[Captain Klegghorn] Freeze!

You're all under arrest!

Beaks to the wall, now!

You are under arrest
for Grand Larceny.

You have the right
to remain silent...

Uh-oh, busted.

Those robots got me thinking

that Dragaunus
is involved with this.

But what would all the lizard
lips want with hot ice?

That was the big question.

And at the very moment...

These jewels thefts
are serving our purposes

in more ways than one.

Now, four of those disgusting
Drakes are out of the way.

Ahem, just remember

who suggested using
the self destructing robots.

I believe I have something
coming to me?

Oh, very well.

Happy, now?

[Captain Klegghorn]
Just a darn minute...

You birds
couldn't have been there.

Now you're just making this up.

No, wait, Cappy,
check out the script.

See...
"Interior Dragaunus ship".

Oh, yeah, what's my next line?

"Klegghorn angrily..."

Why, that's the biggest load of
balderdash I've ever heard.

Oh, yeah? Well, wait till you
hear what happened next.

Since the arrest
of the four Mighty Ducks

more jewel robberies
have been committed.

We did not commit those crimes.

And whoever set us up
wouldn't be dumb enough

to use more robot ducks.

Grin, who runs the biggest
hot ice ring in the city?

I'm not into material things.

Limpy Lombago.

I saw it on America's
Funniest Most Wanted.

Grinster, my boy,
we got a bad rep.

And we're going to make
the most of it.

Couple of ducks
to see you, Limpy.

To what do I owe this
extreme displeasure?

We want to talk
about hot rocks.

I thought youse ducks
were into pucks

not rocks.

That's just our cover, see...

We'll muscle it in
to the jewel racket.

Me thinks these two are pulling
our collective leg.

-Rob!
-I'm Bob, he's Rob.

Whatever.

In the words of
the immoral bod...

Nail these ballads.

[henchmen grunting]

Okay, you're tough.

But how do I know youse
around our level?

Haven't you read our press
clippings, pal?

Ooh, men's fashion world
is having a sale.

Oops [chuckles] sorry.

"Nab four ducks in ice heist."

Our mobs' in the slammer, see?

We figure, you know,
we could be useful to ya.

Maybe, but you gotta prove
your loyalty first.

Mayhaps you birds have heard
of a mug named Shecky Carter?

Not "Shecky
'The Comedian' Carter"?

That's the guy.

I want you should
pay him a visit.

And clean his clocks.

The punk's trying to muscle in
on my turf, see,

and he took something
I value very much.

-My house.
-Wow!

I mean, that guy really is
muscling in your turf.

He swiped the deed

and had me evictorated.

I am so displeased
with that crumb!

Bob, escort these two out.

I'm Rob, he's Bob.

Whatever.

Can you, uh, pick the lock?

Sure.

[strains]

[The Comedian]
Wait a minute, wait a minute.

You got the big beak?

That jewel is worth a fortune.

I'm interested.

Hey, is the president
an elected official?

Yes, I know,
he's an elected official.

It's a joke, booby, a joke.

"86, Rio Bravo road." Got it.

Where at do you want
this stuff, boss?

That will look nice
over the fire place.

And what about Limpy's stuff?

Limpy's stuff...

That will look nice
in the fire place.

That guy's got worse taste
than week old mackerel.

[laughing]

[Nosedive laughs]
Very funny.

Comedian.

Limpy Lombago sent us...

to have a word with you.

Why, don't you mean "quack"?

[laughs]

Oh, Okay. Oh, ooh.

The heck with karma
I say we flatten him.

Ohh, here's a real k*ller!

Why did the ducks
cross the road?

To get their beaks blown off!

Thank you!
You're a beautiful audience.

Good night, everybody!

Hope you ducks are having
a real blast.

[laughs]

Somebody stop me here.

As you wish.

The joke's on you, suckers.

[both grunts]

I believe you've been stealing
your material, Comedian.

[groans and screams]

[Nosedive] Get out of town

and I'll come back to you
to get some funnier jokes.

Yeah, we cleaned
the Comedian's clock
just like you told us too.

And we got your house back.

Not until you cut us in
on this jewel heist racket.

All right, leave us make
with the exposition.

You birds ever heard
of "The Lemurian Falcon"?

That's funny, I figured you'd
keep up with youse relatives.

It is an ancient relic
from Lemuria

and its beak is a huge
jewel type stone gem.

A certain Mr. Big recently
purchased said falcon

from bugrillionaire
Stanley Cortes.

But when he took delivery...

the beak was gone
with nearly a trace.

That's when Mr. Big
contacted moi.

I told my boys
whosoever does find it

gets a 50G reward

and, they will be entered
in this month's drawing

and for the free ham.

[Nosedive] Remember what
the Comedian said

about the big beak?

It could be that crystal.

We can take the Comedian's
place at the meet.

To solve this mystery
we got to get that jewel.

And besides, you know,
I want a shot of that free ham.

Which pretty much brings
us back to the present.

Now, we're going to find out
who Mr. Big is

and why he wants this rock.

You can't just leave me here,
cut me loose.

So you can arrest us, too?
Forget it, Cappy.

The only thing that's
gonna get wrapped up

is you stinking ducks.

Come on,
we gotta solve this caper

to get the guys out of jail.

Well, we certainly had
a big part in this show.

[Limpy Lombago]
We got it, Mr. Big.

Pray tell wish,
we hold the meet.

"Go north by northwest
to the house on 92nd Street

with the 39 steps"?

Got it. Any other rip-scale
motor references

you want I should make?

Bernie The Bearwas a bear,

-he had a furry coat and claws.
-And a car.

That's cause he's a cartoon
bear for crying out loud!

[Limpy Lombago] Will you two
desist with the banter already.

What the blazers are those
ducks doing here?

Now, now, Mr. Big,
leave us not blow our quirks.

After all, they got...
the big beak.

And you don't get it

till you tell us why
this dingus is so important.

Very well, Mr. Drake...

I enjoy talking to a duck
who likes to talk about

talking to a duck who likes...
Oh...

where was I? Oh, yes.

The ancient Lemurians had
knowledge undreamed-of

by modern science.

Well, they went
head to head against

the rival nation of Atlantis.

Well, the Lemurians
destroyed Atlantis

-in a day!
-So what are you saying?

Umm-uh...

the Lemurians couldn't inflict
such cataclysmic damage

because they had
a pulverizing ray

the heart of which
was a focusing crystal.

When not in use, you see,
it was stored as a beak

of a statue of a falcon.

Are you with me?
I paid a lot of money
to get it.

But I still haven't got it.

Now, got it to me.

I don't... think so.

Don't you trust me, Mr. Drake?
After all, I'm only...

a henchman of Dragaunus,
built on world domination.

[Comedian] Odds bodkins...

That particular mug
is an alien.

Yah!

[grunts]

Allow me, Seige.

I summon the dark powers

of our Saurian ancestors.

Eat hot pucks,
sleaze old sores.

[grunts]

All right,
you want to get paid?

You have to catch
that dirty ducks, eh.

-Rob, get him!
-I'm Bob, he's Rob.

Never mind, I'll do it myself.

[g*n c*ck]

It's curtains for you, duck.

I've always been kind of
partial to the nation
blinds myself.

Yo, Grinster...

wasn't it supposed to be
a gangster movie parody?

I guess.

So how come it just turned
into the barrels of falling?

[Siege]
The pulverized ray is complete.

The center-poid
is ready to rule.

Stick around and make sure
the ducks are taken care of.

I got to go and conquer
the world, sweetheart.

Don't worry, them birds are
sweat gum drops right now.

He looked like a bear,

everybody in the cartoon
called him a bear...

You ever seen a bear
walking his pet dog?

What, a mouse can walk a dog,
a bear can't?

You know, we should think
about getting free

before we get turned
into ground duck pate.

[strains and grunts]

All right!
Way to go, Grinster, cha-ching!

Okay, now get me
out of here, buddy.

Grin... Grin, amigo?

Brother-man,
time to rescue the Dive.

[panics]
Grin, I'm thinking today!

"All things come
to he who waits."

Come on, we gotta stop
these guys before... whoa!

[both grunts]

We did it, Lord Dragaunus.

We can flatten every building
in the city.

Don't over do it.

Just clamber half of them.

By then the authorities
will have surrendered to me.

[collapse]

It's action time, Grinster.

Gad sooks,
the bird's have flown the coop.

Get moving, bro,
I'll check these clowns.

-Are you sure you'll be okay?
-Relax, man!

I've got...
a slight logistical problem.

Bust his feral, boys.

Woo-hoo-hoo...

[grunts]

Screw bobbin!

Whoa!

[engine whirring]

[both panting]

[both] Whoa...

Two big heads coming up!

Mano-a-ducko...

that's the way, uh-huh,
uh-huh, I like it.

What are you ducks up to now?

Let's pulverize this cop.

Yeah, now that flat-foots, eh?

[groans]

Whoa... [screams]

Boy, I miss bank robberies.
[groans]

All right, fed up brat...

wherefore art ya?

Right in your face, jerkweed!

[grunts]

Game over, Limpy.

You lose, brother.

In the words of
the immoral bod...

"'Tis is better to
have loved than lost

than never to have lost
at all."

I gotta stop that thing

before it puts out
anymore bad vibrations.

[grunts]

Something's wrong
with the rear module.

[Chameleon]
Something like him.

"A serpent maybe tricked
into eating its own tail."

[Wraith]
Destroy that duck, Siege.

I'm really going to enjoy this.

Are you sure
this is a good idea?

[Siege] Demolishing ducks
is always a good idea.

I think you're making
a mistake.

Do it, Siege.

[grunts]

I told you
this was a stupid idea.

I dropped my top on it,
give me yours.

Get your own.

Let's get out of here!

See, Cappy,
I told you we'd have
this mystery all wrapped up.

There is the missing jewel.

There is Limpy's henchmen.

Hello, boys.

And there's Limpy himself.

And there's old man Jenkins

who runs the haunted
amusement park.

No, no, no, wait, wait.
He's not in this episode.

Guys, I have to admit,
you did good.

Of course, you were aiding
a known felon

and transporting stolen goods.

But, hey, it's just a cartoon.

Now, how's about springing
our fellow ducks?

No, problem.

In a couple of hours,
they'll be as free as a...

[laughs] birds.

For the last time,
Bernie was a bear.

He drove a car,
what kind of bear drives a car?

All right, if he wasn't a bear,
what was he?

He must've been a creature
from another planet like us.

Hey, you might be
onto something

I mean,
we're ducks but we don't fly.

Or head South for the winter.

[Nosedive] Well, there was
that one time in Lauderdale,

but, you know,
that really doesn't count.

Do you suppose
Bernie is here on a mission?

He might, like, could be
fighting some evil alien,

you know, just like us.

He could be our help,
we must seek him out.

[Nosedive] I wonder if
he's in the phone book.

[theme music playing]