01x09 - The Human Factor

[bunniefuu]

[theme music playing]

♪ On the road to glory ♪

♪ Ain't no turning back ♪

♪ It's got to be
the Mighty Ducks ♪

♪ On a quack attack! ♪

♪ Look out, clear the way ♪

♪ The Ducks are here to play! ♪

♪ Ducks rock! ♪

[fans cheering]

[c.speakerTop]♪ Ducks rock! ♪

♪ Mighty Ducks! ♪

♪ Here come the Mighty Ducks ♪

♪ Burning up the ice! ♪

♪ Just try and stop
the Mighty Ducks ♪

♪ And you're gonna pay
the price! ♪

♪ Here come the Mighty Ducks ♪

♪ Fighting for the gold! ♪

♪ Let's hear it
for the Mighty Ducks ♪

♪ Time to rock and roll! ♪

♪ Let's go ♪

♪ Let's go! ♪

♪ Ducks rock! ♪

♪ Mighty Ducks!
Ducks rock! ♪

♪ Let's hear it
for the Mighty Ducks ♪

♪ Mighty Ducks! ♪

[Nosedive] Hey, move over,
Tanya, I wanna see--

[Tanya] Yow! Watch it!

Uh-oh!

[Wildwing] It's an expl*sive.

We gotta get to it
before they finish loading it.

[shots firing]

That could be a little tricky.

Come on out and fight,
you web footed wimps!

With pleasure,
you cold-blooded creep!

[continuous firing]

[boom]

[low voice] Hey, ducks.
Do you feel lucky?

Well, do you? Do you, ducks?

[screams]

[normal voice]
Okay, you are lucky.

But I still do
better impressions!

[machine g*n firing]

-Argh!
-[thuds]

[groans] Right in the mask!

Wildwing, are you all right?

I'm fine.

But we gotta get
to the expl*sive.

I prefer my ducks
served with hot sauce.

Whoa! Hot stuff coming through!

You meathead,
what are you doing?

Sending the ducks
to a molten doom.

And us along with 'em!

Oh, my four psychics said
it would be a bad day.

[beeping rapidly]

[boom]

[boom]

Well, at least things
can't get any worse.

[siren blaring]

[groans] Maybe I spoke too soon.

Well, well.
Browsing for worms?

Or maybe blowing up
a steel mill?

Klegghorn, Dragaunus's g*ons
were constructing

a thermite b*mb in there.

You keep talking
about those lizards,

but when the smoke clears,

all I ever see is ducks.

We're gonna search this place
with a fine tooth comb,

and if I find anything
with feathers on it,

I'm gonna put you birds
in a cage.

Now, beat it.

You're molting
on my crime scene!

Every time we save the world,
that guy yells at us.

Humans are such a bunch
of [groans] people.

Our guest is
Dr. Wally Pretorius.

Dr. Pretorius, as a Geneticist,

what do you think
of the Ducks' chances

of winning the Stanley Cup?

Hockey-shmockey!

We humans have been
far too accommodating

to these space creatures.

They should be confined,
studied!

We must learn
what makes them tick!

In the name of science,

we must subject these weirdos

to a series of extremely
painful tests.

[laughs hysterically]

[Nosedive] Now they wanna use
us as guinea pigs?

They just don't understand us.

Uh-uh, big bro.
We're talking mega, jumbo,

jerk-o-supreme's
with double cheese!

Boy, did you get up on the wrong
side of the nest this morning!

[Wildwing]
How's it coming, Tanya?

I gotta rebuild
the circuit board.

It'll take 20...
it'll take 'em 24...

a whole day!

Ah, but we were
gonna drive to

the San Francisco game,
tomorrow!

So go, I'll catch up with
you in the Aerowing.

Okay, but we use
the buddy system.

Grin, would you mind
skipping the road trip

and staying with Tanya?

The paths are many, but the
journey remains the same.

I'll take that as a yes.

Whatever.

[countdown clock beeping]

[engines powering up]

Set torque for maximum traction.

[tires screeching]

Turbines to speed.

Turbines to full power!

[Mallory] I'll say this
about planet Earth.

It certainly is
a beautiful place.

Yeah, maybe.
But I can certainly do without

the lame-o's who hang here.

Hey, good idea, Wing.

This looks like
a nice place to stop for dinner.

Yeah. Only I didn't stop us.

-[beeping]
-We have an engine malfunction.

[Nosedive]
Oh, great, here it comes.

They're probably gonna
tar and de-feather us

for disturbing the boredom.

The Mighty Ducks!

Sports heroes!
Right here in Sunnyville!

Er, you were saying,
little brother?

Yeah, just wait. We've only been
here five seconds.

I'm Sam Delaney, the mayor.

What brings you
to our little town?

Frankly, engine trouble.

[Sam] Oh, maybe Pops can help.

He's our local mechanic.

[Pops] Well, well, quite a rig.

What seems to be the trouble?

Well, you tell me.
I don't see anything wrong.

Hi, I'm Doug MacClane.

The Doug MacClane?

The only six star
General in history?

Er, yes. Retired.

Sir! Mallory McMallard,
Puckworld Special Forces.

If you'd be willing, Sir,

[c.speakerTop]I'm sure I could learn
a lot from you.

I suspect you could teach me

more than I could
ever teach you!

You threw a rod, sonny.

Probably left it
in the road somewhere.

Well, can you get us
a replacement?

For a custom job like this,

I have to machine it
from scratch.

I'll tow it to my garage.

Wildwing, this is my son, Chip.

Made all-state this year,

probably wind up in the pros.

You play hockey, Chip?

Greatest game in the world!

Hey, I don't suppose
I could get you

to give me some pointers, huh?

Sure! Be glad to.

And you all stay with
me and the missus

at our boarding house.

Me and the missus
at the boredom house?

Ugh! This place is gonna
give me brain rock!

[Thrash] Dive! Dude!

[Nosedive] Thrash, Mook!
What are you guys doing here?

Visiting our Grandma's and being
bored out of our skulls.

Well, tell me about it, man!

We're stranded in
the land that time forgot.

Totally! But they've got
a ripping video arcade, man!

All right-Ski!

I haven't played
Space Moshers in a week!

See, Dive?
Not all humans are bad.

Hey, who you calling human, Bob?

[clicks tongue] We happen to be
alternative life forms

in search of cool tattoos

and new hair colors
not found in nature.

I guess birds of a feather
really do flock together.

[Mexican music playing]

[woman] Oh, I'd heard the
Mighty Ducks were in town,

but I didn't know
you were art lovers!

Our collection dates back
to the Spanish colonial era.

Er, this is quite an impressive
collection of stuff.

Here's some stuff
I think you'll really like.

[grunts]

[thud]

Whoa, whoa, hey!
Whoa, did I say stuff?

[growling]

I meant fine antiques,
of course.

[shirt rips]

[grunts]

Hey! Hey!

What the heck is the matter
with you people, huh?

[growling]

Oh, no!

[thwack]

Nice shot, Chip.

But tighten up
on your grip a little.

I guess in hockey your best shot
is all you've got.

Hmm, funny, my best friend
used to say that.

A guy named Canard.

You sorta remind me of him.

I'll take that as a compliment.

That reminds me, I should
contact my friends in Anaheim.

-[static screech]
-What the--

You okay, Chip?

Um, my hearing's
kinda sensitive.

Huh, something must be wrong
with this thing.

Would it be okay
if I used your telephone?

Ours is on the blink, sorry.

Oh, well, I'm gonna find
a pay phone man, okay?

Hey, remember.
Dinner's at seven!

Aw, man! This town must
totally fold when it gets dark.

Bet Pops will open it for us.

[chuckles] That mechanic guy?

Totally! He runs the place.

Hey, hang tight.
We'll be right back, man.

Oh, sure, fine! Leave me here!

[sighs] You know,
I haven't had this much fun

since my last root canal.

This is quite a weapon, Mallory.

Er, thank you, Sir.

But I should
probably reconnoiter

with my teammates now.

You aren't going anywhere.

[stutters] Sir!

This is extremely non-regulation
behavior, Sir.

[grunts]

[gasps]

Nosedive, something strange
going on here.

Good. This bird could use
a little excitement.

I'm serious. Try your comm.

[static screech]

See, it's being jammed.

And when Chip heard that sound,

he started acting weird.

I don't think the Migrator
broke down.

I think we were deliberately
stopped here.

I'm telling you, big bro,
these humans are out to ice us.

According to the auto tracker,
Duke's just a block away.

Wait here while I get him.

All the phones are dead.

Duke's saber!

He'd never leave it
lying around.

Unless...

All right, Chip.
What's going on here?

Come inside, boys.
Dinner is ready.

Every phone in town is dead.
And now, Duke's missing.

I want some answers. Now.

But you must come inside
for dinner!

[grunting]

Chip, what are you doing?

You must stay for dinner.

[grunting]

What are you people?

I'm gonna find Wildwing, man.

This show is getting
late on Ducks.

Hey there, sonny.

Hey, Pops. What happened
to Thrash and Mookie?

Well, their Grandma
called them in for supper.

But they asked me
to open the arcade for you.

Video games
or solving the mystery?

Ah, just one quick round
of Cyber Sleezoids!

This way, sonny. Have fun.

Pops, I got news for you!

This is the boring-est video
arcade in the known universe!

[door bangs open]

Man, something tells me
I just stepped into

a big fat trap-olla!

[grunts]

Going somewhere, sonny?

Hey, hey!
You guys gotta help me.

Whoa! Mayor,
listen to me, okay?

You cannot escape.

I knew we couldn't trust
those crummy humans.

[thuds]

Whoa! Thrash, Mook.

Man, am I glad to see you guys.

We gotta get out of here, man.
This place is like Spook City.

Uh, little skin problem there,
guys?

[grunts]

What I wouldn't give
for a good flashback right now!

Something strange going on here.
Try your comm.

[static screech]

When Chip heard that sound,
he started acting weird.

All right, my favorite scene
in the whole show.

[screeching]

It's Nosedive on the break-away!

He hit the boards!

[crash]

[thud]

What in the world of
Dragaunus basement?

Whoa! Talk about deja vu,man!

Nosedive. What's going on, man?

[groans]

[gasps] A giant duck?

Don't startle me. I've had
a seriously rough night!

Now what happened here?

Somebody sleep-gassed
the whole village.

I succumbed before I could
find out who did it.

This town's been taken over
by cheap imitations of you guys!

I gotta find the other ducks.

The sleep gas was released
from Pop's garage,

if that's any help.

[creaks open]

Well, well, all comfy, are we?

[Wildwing] It's Dr. Pretorius,

the nut ball we saw on TV.

Yeah, if I remember right,

he wanted to perform
painful tests on us.

Oh, far more than that!

For years, I've been trying
to create a genetically

engineered creature,

the next step in evolution!

The Floor!

-[growling]
-[banging the door]

Thus far my efforts have been
less than successful.

Wow, did this guy ever
burn out on re-entry!

[Doctor] But now, I shall use
your advanced alien DNA

to perfect my creature.

At last my genius
will be recognized.

I'll get on all the talk shows,

be seen in public
with supermodels,

have my own infomercial!

[laughs]

Now, just a darn minute.

How on earth were
you able to replace

a whole town with robots?

Quite simple.

[c.speakerTop]I get my supplies
from a very powerful backer.

[c.speakerTop][Wildwing] Unbelievable.

[c.speakerTop]"To Dr. Pretorius. Best luck
on your mad dreams of conquest."

[c.speakerTop]Signed, Dragaunus.

Well, I'll say this
for lizard lips.

Sure treats his fans well.

Of course, in order
to access your genetic codes,

you'll have to be
properly dissected.

[machine whirring]

That does it!

Uh-oh.

Suddenly, I wish I was home
in Mommy's nest!

Mommy, Mommy!

It'll take more than the three
of you to take me!

Okay, four should do it!

[shuddering] This is it.

[people yelling]

All right! Humans!

Did I just say
what I think I said?

[people yelling]

Now to extract
your genetic code.

[machines whirring]

[boom]

Hey! Extract this!

Destroy that duck!

Out of my face, beryllium boy!

[boom]

[hoots] Way to go, baby bro!

You may have stopped my robots,

but nothing can stop
The Slar! [laughs]

Put a cork in it, gibb-twist,
or I'll wax your head!

[grunts]

[smash]

[growling]

Hey, do you know what you get

when you cross
a chicken with a lobster?

Uh, no.

I don't either,

but it's coming this way!

[roaring]

[grunts]

-[pows]
-[grunts]

[groans]

[high pitched screech]

I hope that thing
doesn't have a taste for duck.

Now this is a weird way to go.

Eaten by a surf and turf dinner.

[groans]

Check, please! Ya!

-[firing]
-[roaring]

[thuds]

One genetic disaster, coming up!

[screeches]

[screeching]

Why don't you just hang out
until the authorities get here?

[clucking]

[whimpering]

This is another fine mess
you've gotten us into.

Get back, everyone.

[boom]

What is it, Mallory?

The device that was
jamming our comms,

and the tractor beam
that stopped the Migrator

in the first place.

[boom]

How can we ever thank you?

You saved our town,
Mighty Ducks!

[all] Ducks rock!

Well, it's as good as new!

This thing could have saved us
a lot of trouble.

Oh, yeah! But, you know,

it would have been
a really boring show. [chuckles]

Hey, Dive,
I'm glad you've regained

your faith in the human race.

Hey, I'll admit when I'm wrong.
The human race is ace!

Boobies, check it out!

I got you on the cover
of Bird Watchersmonthly.

With a few exceptions,
naturally.

Eh, don't worry about it, kid.

We're still not sure
Phil actually is human.

[all laughing]

[theme music playing]