04x16 - The Untitled Milo Kamalani Project/Guess Who's Coming to the Theater

[bunniefuu]

[THEME MUSIC]

who's that girl?
What's her name?

Is she cool?
Is she lame?

Oh, you're talking about what's her name

-Pepper Ann!
-Pepper Ann!

Is she lame? Is she cool?

Is she breaking every rule?

Is she anybody's fool?

-Pepper Ann!
-Pepper Ann!

pepper Ann! Pepper Ann!
Marching in her own parade

Pepper Ann, she's like one in a million

Pepper Ann!
Pepper Ann!

Much too cool for seventh grade

Catch her if you can
Pepper Ann!

BOY: Who?

GIRL 1: Is that that girl from gym class?

MOOSE: No, that's me.

GIRL 2: Who is she
and why does she have her own song?

PEPPER ANN: Did someone take my lunch?

[SCHOOL BELL RINGING]

Pepper Ann!
Pepper Ann!

Marching in her own parade

Pepper Ann
She's like one in a million!

Pepper Ann!
Pepper Ann!

Much too cool for seventh grade
No one's cooler than Pepper Ann!

-She's her own biggest fan, Pepper Ann!
-Cool, a mood ring.

Catch her if you can, Pepper Ann!

Read the sign, kid.

-No eatin' chowder in the store!
-But I'm just "holding" the chowder!

The bread bowl is a container.

Look, it even has a lid!

No! The Celine standee!

Nebulous Frittata is holding a contest
to design their new album cover.

Milo, your art rocks.

Milo, Nebulous Frittata rocks!

Milo, together you and the band
would rock so hard.

And you'd probably get
some cool free stuff!

Free stuff rocks!

Let's go, the movie starts in 10 minutes.

I know, plenty of time,
but do not forget the nacho wait.

Very long wait.

Milo, this contest
could give your art a large audience.

Much larger
than the school bulletin board.

Guys, we'll discuss en route.

Your art could wind up
in one of those "eight CDs

for a penny" ads in Fuzzy Comics!

You've got a talent to share.

You have to do it!

I'm entered, happy now?

The movie is Sha-la-la Doomsday,

you guys agreed to go,
nachos are on you, et cetera, let's jam.

That movie looks sha-la-la cruddy.

Guys, por favor, a little faith.

It's not gonna be cruddy.

Okay, it was cruddy.
But it was a Cameron Landisberg film.

The man deserves the benefit of the doubt.

Cameron Landisberg?

The man responsible
for The Penguinmaster,

Today We Rhumba, Tomorrow We Die,

and Legbreaker
parts one, two, and four?

He's in a dry spell.

If anyone can make a comeback,
the Landyman can.

His first film, Moonriser,
was a work of art.

Milo, sometimes
I really question your taste.

MILO: Say goodnight, mama.
Kamalani wins.

One more game.

[PHONE RINGING]

MILO: What! Are you kidding me?

I stapled a sock to a piece of cardboard!

I don't care if I won your stupid contest!

I sent you anti-art!

A paper and fabric abomination.

What?

This is the studio I won?

Not too shabby, Milo?

Six months of chaperoned
studio space,

free art supplies,
Nebulous Frittata's entire catalog.

Entering that contest
wasn't such a bad idea after all, huh?

-Huh?
-Thank you, PA.

No more stupid sock stapling.

I can do real art here.

Painting, sculpting, welding,

glass blowing.

[KNOCKS ON DOOR]

Are you, like, Milo?

Because I'm here to interview you

about winning
the Nebulous Frittata contest.

Supermodel Mindy.

Did I--did I win you, too?

No, silly.

Not unless you're the winner
of the Win Supermodel Mindy Sweepstakes!

You're not, are you?

Tell me that you're not.

What's that sound?

It's bellbottoms,
and they're back with a vengeance.

Tell me you're not watching
Supermodel Mindy's Cabana of Fashion.

Milo, we want to see your interview.

Why? I told you how it went.

I was like a really dorky deer
caught in headlights.

-It's on!
-Why are artists so cool?

I don't know.
But I met an artist named Milo K. today.

Hey, that rhymes.

So, my fourth toe is...

longer than all of my others.

MINDY: So, I'd like to thank Milo K.

for sharing with us
his amazing passion for his...

A-R-T...Art. Art.

And thank you for watching!

Stay fashion-able!

NICKY: Milo, that went great!

Yeah.

MALE VOICE:
It's like a visceral poem of noise.

MALE VOICE:
It's a bouquet of passion and tomatoes.

Bravo. Nay, bravissimo.

You guys, is it just me,
or are people acting really weird?

Milo, you were on TV.

-So?
-TV can pervade our psyches.

What's on can become more real to us,
better to us,

for no other reason
than it flickered across

the glowing box in the living room.

Dr. Fizzysody, refreshing and satisfying.

What were you guys talking about?

TIFTY: Tifty Reginald, curator,
Hazelnut's Own Gallery of Art.

Tell me you have more ketchup paintings
and sock pieces.

Oh, and please-please-please,
tell me you'll do a show for us.

So I figured, if they wanna do
a gallery show of my fry plates and socks,

well, you know, it's a good thing.

Not a great thing, but a good thing.

But doesn't the show make a mockery

of all of the art
you actually put your heart into?

Well, when you put it like that...

Mockery-schmockery, that Tifty guy
said there'd be free fried ravioli.

Let's go

[ALL GASPS]

[APPLAUSE]

MALE VOICE: Your work has changed
the way I look at ketchup!

Sign my sock!

Oh, I love that "I could care less look"!

Hello there, Milo.
I'm Cameron Landisberg.

The writer-director of Moonriser!

I love your work!

I love your art.

These paintings and sculptures,
oh, they're fabulous.

They're junk.

Yes, how we punish ourselves over our art.

Never quite good enough, is it?

Still, I'm interested in purchasing a few.

Now, I realize it might be difficult
to part with...

You've got spunk, Milo.

Listen, I'm going on the show

Famous People on the Issues
tomorrow night.

Kathy Griffin canceled so a chair is open.

Would you care to join?

Milo, thanks for letting me
be a hanger-on.

Hey, you're out of pizza bagels.

Wait a Mary Hart minute.
You're Milo Kamalani?

-That's right.
-No, no, no.

I was told you were a young,
bold, fah-reeky looking artist,

not some beanied mall rat.

Sorry, kid. I better call in
Dr. Joyce Brothers.

She's always available.

This beanied mall rat
you speak of, that's not me.

I just... I haven't changed yet.

Yeah. I mean, my hair is usually white
and I have yellow glasses,

and I was going to wear a shirt
made out of popsicle sticks.

Okay. See you on the set.

Milo, what are you doing?

You just sold yourself out for a shot
on a cheeky political roundtable.

Nicky, you're looking at the micro view.

Go macro with me.

I get on TV, I get my art
and my message out to the masses.

Well, have you even been doing any art
since you won that contest?

No, have you?

Meanwhile, the people on the other side
are saying, "Oh, it's fine, don't worry."

Well I, for one, would pay to worry.

How about you, Milo?

You ever notice that people
never sneeze on rollercoasters?

[LAUGHTER]

Milo, you cad.

That Milo put him in his place.

I smell series!

Milo rocks!

This year marks the 25th anniversary
of Moonriser.

There's to be a huge gala party next week!

I read in Dish last week
that Kirstie Alley

had a mermaid at her 40th birthday party!

Could you go watch the TV very closely?

Sure, Landy!

I'd like to commission
one of your huge ketchup paintings

for the gala party.

And I want you to be there.

You want me to go to the Moonriser

LANDY: Absolutely.

Just as long as that girl doesn't come
within one mile of the red carpet.

Thanks, Milo.

I can't believe we're going
to the gala anniversary party

for Moonskieser.

Riser, PA. Moonriser.

I guess I should see it before we go, huh?

"We" can go if you stay home.

Landisberg just invited me.

That's cool.

You'll have a good time.

I've gotta...go...pretend to sleep.

By the light of Kylaxis,

I know now.

Alas, I guess I've always known.

This planet...it's alive.

LANDY: Milo, I'm going to tell you
a secret about being an artist.

Rule number one and only,
if it sells, it's art.

Everything else is just dabble-dabble.

That is...art.
Can I...have that?

I'll even buy it.

Sorry, kid. Art can't be bought.

You see it, you feel it,
it's in the air, it's...

Okay, all right,
you don't have to cry about it. Here.

Milo, we have a lavish party to attend.
What's the matter?

-Everything.
-Everything, indeed.

But the painting isn't an entire loss.

Perhaps his mommy
will hang it on the fridge.

No. I'm talking about me, "Landy."

I'm talking about art. I sold out.

This is real. I'm the phony.

I thought I would get back
to doing my real art,

to being the real me.

But, man, when you lose yourself,

it isn't that simple to get yourself back.

Right now, I have that chance.

I'm outtie.

BOY:
I mean, I sell gyros on the street.

I just get the feeling
that I don't belong here.

-You're right. You don't. Get out.
-What do think Milo's doing right now?

MILO: I was thinkin'
of buying my friends some fish stick pizza

and tellin' 'em I'm sorry
for being a jerk.

Milo, you gave up the perks
of famousness for us?

And for me. And my art.

And let me show you chattyheads the door.

No talking in the theater!

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Irv, I have a story to tell you.

A story of a bright-eyed film school
graduate that poured his heart

-into a film called Moonriser.
-Go on.

LANDY: Oh, it was a success,
and the young man

was besieged by interviewers,

by hangers on, by perks a-plenty.

But somewhere along the way
he forgot what's important,

the films, not the perks.

Well, something's happened to me, Irv.
Something wonderful.

I've returned to my roots.

I am not doing that half-baked
Moonriser prequel.

I will not compromise my greatest film
even for the hundreds

of millions of dollars
that we would surely reap.

[LAUGHTER]

Get outta here.

Almost had you, Irv.

See you at the dailies.


[MUSIC PLAYING]

CROWD: Dinner, dinner, dinner.

CROWD: Daughter, daughter, daughter.

I can't wait for you to meet him.

BOTH: We'll do our best to greet him.

-Guess...
-...who's...

...coming to...

One second. Dinner!

INSTRUCTOR:
It's gold, I tell you, theatrical gold!

We'll pick up Act Two tomorrow.

-You get better...
-...every day.

-But I'll never be...
-...as good as you.

Thanks! I think I finally understand
where my character is coming from.

Guess who's coming to your play?
Oh, but before you guess,

I should tell you that Moose
has a shot-put retreat that night.

She won't be able to go,
but I'm taking Bernie instead.

Oh, I guess I ruined all the guessing fun.

That's okay.

Bernie'll love the play.

He'll really appreciate the modern dance.

Thank Fuzzy for shot-put.

[PHONE RINGING]

Yeah, boy?

Peppie, when you get your own house
you can answer the phone any way you want.

In my house, it's "hello."

CHUCK: Hello? Anybody there?

What is that awful yelling?

-Dad!
-Lemme talk.

-Lemme!
-Peppie, I just found out

some smashing news.

I'm going to be in town
for your play after all.

That's great.

Well, my blimp is scheduled for lift off.

Gotta float.

Dad. Dad.

My lizard molted today and then... Hello?

You coulda let me talk to him, Peppie.

If you were going to my play,
you could have talked to him there.

Bernie's in the house

Bernie! Mom's bringing Bernie!

Dad's gonna see Mom
with her new boyfriend.

Bernie is not her boyfriend.

They just went out on a few "dates."

Did they invite Dad along
on any of those "dates"?

Of course not!

That would be majorly awkward and...

CHUCK: Hello. You've reached Chuck Pearson
at Nice Week Blimp.

I'm above my office right now,
but I'll call you back as soon as I land.

Dad, it's me. I forgot
to tell you that the play reeks.

It reeks bad. And did I mention
that the tickets are six dollars?

You could buy a previously-viewed copy

of last summer's tear jerker
Cavlita's Pony for that kinda money.

Well, that oughta do the trick.

"Peppie, got your message.

Don't be silly, I wouldn't miss
your play for the world.

P.S. I already own 'Cavlita's Pony.'"

So, if I can get Bernie to wear a wig,

maybe Dad will think
it's girl's night out.

Mick Snot has a fabulous new line of wigs.

Your parents have been divorced for years.

I'm sure they can handle
seeing each other with new people.

Seeing new people.

So what you're saying
is that if Dad has a date,

he won't care
that Mom's there with Bernie.

Genius, Nicky!

Well, no...

So, all I have to do
is find someone for Dad!

All right, help me write a personal ad.

No, that's not what I was saying.

Milo, help me write a personal ad.

I'll need a glitter pen,

a pot of coffee and two clean towels.

We've got to keep our heads about this.

You two have issues.
Serious, serious issues.

This isn't a veggie burger it's...beef!

Nothing with eyelashes has touched
my palate in six years.

and now it's all ruined!
Ruined!

C'mon.

Single man seeks attractive, unattached...

Amazon warrior.

Good. That's good.

This is it. Our ad said to meet here

at 6:00 with a bio
and one amusing anecdote.

Let's go pick ourselves a winner.

Mom?

SARAH: Am I late?

You'll do. Sarah?

It's Se-rah, like the song.

Whatever.

So, Milo's got an aunt who's new in town

and I just thought
you could show her around.

Maybe take her to a play
at I don't know.

Hazelnut Middle School?

Dad, I'd like you to meet Sarah.

It's Se-rah, like the song.

Whatever. Meet Chuck Pearson.

Go ahead Dad, tell her
all about being a blimp pilot.

Well, people think blimp pilots are snobs,
but we can't help it.

I mean, we really are above it all.

[LAUGHTER]

Hey, it's going great.

Yeah, too great.

Oh, Se-rah, Se-rah.

You're the most wonderful woman
I've ever met!

-Let's get married tomorrow.
-Hey!

-Now you've done it!
-No!

Sorry.

I thought you were...on fire.

Yes, well, why don't we call it
a day and dry off.

I apologize for my daughter's...
over-cautious fire prevention policy.

Can I make this up to you
with tickets to a play?

That'd be great...

if you could just fill out
this quick survey.

Your looks are passable,
but I have to assure

that you fit my other dating criteria.

Well, I do like a woman
who knows what she wants.

What have I done?

In your usual fashion
you've taken a minorly awkward situation

and crafted it into a potentially
nightmarish debacle.

What up with the cow flesh on your plate?

Well, six years I went
without a sliver of red meat,

but as long as I blew it,

I might as well give in
to my barbaric animal cravings.

You know what?
I'm just gonna quit the play.

That's it. I quit.

Pepper Ann, don't be ridiculous.

I assure you, your mom and dad
won't mind seeing each other with dates.

Seeing each other with...

you mean, if I can keep them
from seeing each other,

I don't have to quit the play!

Genius again, Nicky!

No, that's not what I meant at all.

Nicky. You have a little beef juice...

all over your...face.

Dad, I'm positive about this.

The play is oversold.

Get there good and early.

I can seat you myself.

So, I thought it would be nice
if you and Bernie

went out to dinner before the play.

I took the liberty of making you
reservations at the Red Snapper.

Peppie, the play starts at five.

Trust me, you don't want to see
a play about dinner on an empty stomach.

Would you rather fill up
on grilled shrimp...

or concession stand corn chip chili boats?

Well, if you're sure
we'll get out of there

in time to see your play.

One more time, shrimp-boy.

Your mom doesn't get the check
until after five.

Good man.

Best seats in the house.

You see everything, but no one sees you.

Excuse me, but I like to be seen.

I'm quite pretty.

Dad and Se-rah are obscured from view.

Mom and Bernie are stuck
at the Red Snapper.

I'm free to prepare for the play.

-Who is she...
-...talking to?

-Girlfriend...
-...needs herself...

...a twin.

Check, please. Sir, check please.

Listen punk. My daughter's
in a play tonight,

and there is no way
some pimply-faced Gen-X slacker

is gonna keep me from opening curtain!

On the house.

Why even come to these play things
if you're gonna sit behind some pole?

Dating is all about seeing and being seen.

I mean, you're nice and all,
but who knows if you're the one.

Oh, and I ran your credit report.

Did you know you have
outstanding gym membership fees?

Why don't I make a run for it...
I mean, get some snacks.

You grab some seats.

I'm gonna try and get
this shrimp smell out of my fingernails.

And make sure you sit in the front row.

I don't want to end up
behind that pole again.

Blue eyes, strong chin, slight paunch.

Hello, what's your name?

Bernie. What's yours?

Se-rah...

-like the song.
-Like the song.

-Lydia, this is Se-rah.
-Hello.

Oh, and this is Chuck.

Chuck, this is...Lydia, was it?

We've met.

-Guess...
-...who's...

...coming to...

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Chuck, I hope you don't mind
if I excuse myself.

I'm a little tired.

Come to think of it, so am I.

-Need a ride?
-Sure!

[CHUCKLES]

So, Pepper Ann was great, huh?

Yes, yes. Just...great.

-Peppie!
-There's my girl!

INSTRUCTOR: Here's my ad-libbing genius!

Guess who's coming to...nothing!

Oh, it captures the ambiguity
of life itself.

We'll have to do another performance
for the critics... and the Mayor

and the Pope!

Sure, now you'll do another show.

If you'd said that before, I coulda
scheduled these two on different nights.

I wouldn't have had to worry
about Dad seeing Bernie,

or finding Se-rah-ruh,
or bribing the wait-staff at Red Snapper.

Oh, Peppie, you shouldn't have been
worrying about your father or me.

Tonight was your night.

Besides, Bernie and I are just friends.

We realized at the Red Snapper
that we were just two different people.

I was surf, and he was turf.

If I had known you were concerned about
it, I wouldn't have even brought him.

Of course, if I had known he was going
to leave with your father's jezebel,

-I wouldn't have brought him either.
-Darling,

if your mother was involved with Bernie
I wouldn't have minded

seeing them together.

We came to see you. Understand?

You should always talk to me
about these things, Peppie.

Especially before you set me up
with another one of Milo's aunts.

Oh, she wasn't really Milo's aunt.

She was just some lady
I picked up out of the gutter.

LYDIA: I thought as much.

-What?
-Nothing.

Well, whoever she was,
my dinner plans are shot.

How 'bout I take us all
to the Seared Steer for filet mignon?

I'm in. Table for four?

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

[THEME MUSIC ENDS]