04x11 - Remote Possibilities/Considering Constance

[bunniefuu]

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

Who's that girl? What's her name?
Is she cool? Is she lame?

Oh, you're talking about what's her name

-Pepper Ann!
-Pepper Ann!

Is she lame? Is she cool?
Is she breaking every rule?

Is she anybody's fool?

-Pepper Ann!
-Pepper Ann!

Pepper Ann! Pepper Ann!
Marching in her own parade

Pepper Ann, she's like one in a million

Pepper Ann! Pepper Ann!
Much too cool for seventh grade

Catch her if you can, Pepper Ann

BOY: Who?

GIRL 1:
Is that that girl from gym class?

MOOSE: No, that's me.

GIRL 2: Oh, who is she
and why does she have her own song?

PEPPER ANN: Did someone take my lunch?

Pepper Ann! Pepper Ann!
Marching in her own parade

Pepper Ann, she's like one in a million

Pepper Ann! Pepper Ann!
Much too cool for seventh grade

No one's cooler than Pepper Ann!

-She's her own biggest fan, Pepper Ann!
-Cool! A singing Dieter doll.

-Catch her if you can, Pepper Ann!
-[DOLL SINGING]

-MILO: He is not.
-He is!

-Hi, Nicky.
-Hi, Stewart.

-Bye, Nicky.
-Bye, Stewart.

Pepper Ann, he isn't.

PEPPER ANN: I'm telling you he is.

-Hi, Nicky.
-Hi, Stewart.

-STEWART: Bye, Nicky.
-Bye, Stewart.

He is not!

PEPPER ANN: Yes, he is!

-Hi, Nicky.
-Hi, Stewart.

-STEWART: Bye, Nicky.
-Bye, Stewart.

Pepper Ann, for the last time,

Marilyn Manson is not Paul
from The Wonder Years.

-Uh, Nick. Can I talk to you for a sec?
-Sure!

-Oh. Oh! We gotcha.
-Yeah, that's cool.

Well, I... I just want you to know that
I haven't been avoiding you.

I've been prepping for the
Tri-Nut Remote Control Car tourney,

and I just haven't made enough us time.
I'm sorry.

-Actually, Stewart, I hadn't even noticed.
-You hadn't?

No, not a bit!

Well, good luck with your little race.
Call me!

Nicky, we're just saying
you were kinda B-R-U-tal to poor Stu.

What are you talking about?

When you said you hadn't noticed
that he'd been so busy,

-he was kind of, well...
-Shattered into a million pieces.

Then scattered in the wind
of your indifference

-like so many dead leaves.
-Don't be silly.

If I had said anything to hurt Stewart
he would have told me.

We have a very open,
communicative relationship.

Actually Stewart, I hadn't even noticed.

Actually Stewart, I could care less.

Actually Stewart, I'd rather hang out
with that loose-limbed artist

and that controlling redhead
than be with you anyway.

[GASPS] What have I done?

That's right! Loose-say goose-say!

I am so not controlling.

Okay, here's what you have to do,
and I don't want any of your lip!

[SIGHS]

NICKY: Are you sure about this?

Nicky, if you want to save
this relationship,

you gotta become more like Stewart.

You know, adopt his hobbies, quirks,
speech patterns...

pretty soon, people will call you
Sticky and Nuart.

-[CHUCKLES]
-But I don't want to be called...

Look, if Stewart likes RC car racing,
so do you.

-Capisce?
-[RC CARS PASSING BY]

NICKY: Where are you going?

I thought you were going to stay
and race with me.

Are you kidding?

If I wanted to hang out
with a buncha geeks,

I coulda thrown on a Viking helmet

and hit the Magical Warriors
of Narn convention with Milo.

MALE VOICE: And don't ye forget,

this convention kicks off
the fortnight long Narn-ival.

Be there, or be a Juneevianth Serf.

Cool-ay coo-coo! Cool-ay coo-coo!

-Now get over there, and boyfriend bond!
-[RC CAR APPROACHING]

Nick? What are you doing here?

Well, I may have given you
the wrong impression earlier.

I have missed you, so I thought,

if Stewart is spending time
at the RC track, so will I.

So, where does one pick up
one of these little car thingies?

[ALL LAUGH]

Nick, a real racer
doesn't just go buy an RC car.

You get wheels, aerodynamic frames,
shocks with just...

Uh... here, I have a spare.
It was my first car.

I call her Leona.

I spent three years lovingly hand-crafting
that car into perfect...

-[TYRES SCREECHING]
-Leona!

-[LOUD CRASH]
-[WHEEL RATTLING]

NICKY: I suggest we exchange phone numbers

and let our insurance companies
sort out the... [SCREAMS]

I suggest you shut your gullet
before I shove my...

Shelf, let her go...
[GROANS] I'll fix your car!

-And?
-I'll do your math homework for a week.

Two weeks!

-[GROANS]
-[GROANS]

I'd, uh, better get started.

Look, it was your first try.
You'll get better hopefully.

Why don't you practice with my car?

Uh... Maybe you should drive her somewhere
away from everyone else.

-How 'bout Antarctica? [LAUGHS]
-[ALL LAUGH]

[MUNCHING]

So, after pizzage,
how 'bout we hit the Narn-ival?

How 'bout no?

You know, Pepper Ann, you were right.

Being at the track has shown me
a whole new side of Stewart.

You know, the side that spends
hour after hour

watching the same stupid car
circle the same stupid track!

-What a colossal waste of... Stewart!
-STEWART: I worked all day,

but I finally got her back
into racing condition!

Stewart, I've been meaning to ask you why
you constantly refer to the car as her?

Because she's so like a woman!
You know, touchy, temperamental...

-The slightest false move and she's...
-Well, I'd love to stay and talk about it,

but I have to go do Shelf McClain's
remedial math homework.

Two times two is four,
three times three is an unholy nightmare!

Do you think she's mad?
I don't get it.

We spent the whole day together.
I had a great time.

You know, when the lowly page Garzoff
fell in love with Princess Rabine,

he vowed to become the richest man in Narn

by selling crude
yet mystical digging tools.

Garzoff was so busy becoming
who he thought Rabine wanted him to be,

-namely, rich...
-Your point, Milo?

'Tis a fool who changes for another.

A diverse couple should embrace
the harmony

of two different yet complimentary notes.

That's it! Music!

You have to share her hobby
like she's sharing yours. Come on!

Why, oh why are we doomed to repeat
the same mistakes over and over?

WAITER: Your friends stick you
with the bill again?

Yep. [SIGHS]

What are you doing?

I'm taking up a musical instrument
for Nicky, like you said.

Stewart, the triangle is not
a musical instrument, observe.

Hear that Mamma-Joe? Soups on!

Observed.

-Here. This looks good.
-What is it?

Who do I look like? Paul McCartney?

[BLOWS BASSOON]

-[GROANS]
-[BASSOON PLAYING]

If you don't row that boat outta here,

your life'll be anything
but a dream, buster!

[GASPS] Stewart, wait!

[FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING]

I'm so sorry, I didn't realize
that was you massacring that ditty.

I've been taking bassoon lessons,
so we can play together.

-I wanted to surprise you, but...
-[SOBS]

-[VIOLIN PLAYING]
-[BASSOON PLAYING]

Ole, El Matador! Ole!

STEWART: Ha! Lapped ya!

-Look out, coming through!
-Mm-hmm.

Oh, move aside, Nick!

Oh, why don't you just kick me
in the teeth and get it over with?

-What, pudding pie?
-Nothing. Pudding pie.

[ORCHESTRAL MUSIC PLAYING]

[EXHALES] Learning an instrument
makes you appreciate

a well-played concerto so much more,
don't you think, Stewart?

-What are you doing?
-Nicky, the tourney's in two days!

I've been so busy tuning
my stupid bassoon...

Stupid? Your bassoon is smarter
than 90 percent

of the greasy-faced dolts
that hang around that idiotic RC track.

Oh, yeah?
Well I'll take those greasy-faced dolts

over bore-toven's
buh-zillionth symphony any day!

-[CONDUCTOR CLEARS THROAT]
-[BOTH GASP]

If we're done with pre-teen theater,
I'd like to begin the next movement.

-Hmm?
-[NICKY SIGHS]

[VIOLIN PLAYING]

-[NOSE BLOWING]
-Stewart?

Man, La Nina's wreaking havoc
on my allergies.

I don't know how this happened.

I hate RC car racing
and Stewart hates classical music.

I was trying to save our relationship,
and I ended up destroying it.

Maybe it didn't need saving
in the first place.

Milo, how uncharacteristically
poignant of you.

How could we have been so misguided?

Hey, you got the Serena the Dolphin
Princess Crustacean Carriage!

[SQUEAKS]

Milo!

You and Pepper Ann better hurry
or you'll miss the Narn-ival.

Is it so, P.A.? You'll go with me?

-No, I...
-NICKY: Of course she will!

Now hurry along, you two!

-But, I never said that I'd...
-Oh, P.A., you're gonna love it.

When they do the four-hour
coronation ceremony, you'll tear up.

-Cool-ay coo-coo! Cool-ay coo-coo!
-[YELLS]

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

Looks like you could use a spare.

I was a selfish fool. I'm sorry.

We were both selfish fools.

If we had all the same interests,
we wouldn't be our own people.

I mean, if I wanted to date myself,
I could just carry around a mirror

and save all kinds of money
on dinners and movies.

Hey, I said we could go Dutch,
but you always insist on...

-Thanks for bringing the car.
-[BEEPS]

[PLAYS BASSOON]

Charge!

I didn't know
you had taken bassoon lessons.

Don't be silly, any joker with lungs
and lips can play this...

It's okay, pudding pie.
I'm not mad at you.

Pepper Ann on the other hand,
she nearly busted us up,

and we totally let her off the hook.

Well, not totally.

I love you, Princess Rabine!

Fair Rabine, together we shall rule Narn!

See, P.A., doesn't this rock?

Touch me and I'll shove a crude
yet mystical digging tool up your nose.

-Cool-lay coo-coo!
-[THUDS]

Cool-lay coo-coo!

[WHISTLES]

Penalty kick!

Why even try, Pearson?
You're just gonna choke

just like you have
every other time against me!

Not this time, Biana.

I learned an important lesson this week.
Championships don't matter.

Even this goal doesn't matter.

The only thing that matters
is that I try my best.

Well, that and...

the fact that you can't handle
crossover shots

because of your unfortunate
lambada accident!

[CROWD CHEERING]

She is so cool.

[MACHINE BUZZING]

[COIN CLINKING]

-Um, I think you owe me a quarter.
-Count again, Constance.

Oh, yeah, I guess I need to eat. [GIGGLES]

Low blood sugar makes me count wrong.

So, what'll it be, little lady?

The Take It To The Scoop Sundae.

Are you sure? I mean, that sundae...
It's the Bon-Bon b*mb.

Oh, sorry!
What was I thinking? Uh...

-One strawberry sundae, please.
-A Take It To The Scoop, please.

With or without mallow drench?

[SIGHS]

-Hi, Constance.
-Oh, hi, Lamar.

Stupid, stupid, stupid!

-Hey, Pepper Ann.
-Hey, Craig.

You up for trying the new Frotha-Chai-no
down at Java Nut after...

Sure! [CHUCKLES] I mean, yeah.

She is so... cool.

Okay, Pepper Ann.

To take the lead in the Chemistry
Triple Crown Tourney of Champions Day,

-what's the answer?
-Surface tension!

-Bing! Bing! Bing! Bing! Bing! Correct!
-[STUDENTS CHEERING]

ROLAND: Way to come back, Pearson!

She is just so cool!

ROLAND: With Pepper Ann in the lead,
one more event will decide the champ.

[SNORTS] Okay, now,
I am gonna randomly pair you off.

Okay, Noah and Trinket...

CONSTANCE: If I go stand there,
Carter will partner me with Pepper Ann.

If I stay here...

C'mon, Constance, do it.
Just take one step.

For once, just do something.
Pepper Ann would!

[INHALES, EXHALES]

Yassir, you're with Benny,

And Pepper Ann,
you and Constance are together.

[SNICKERS]

Constance, I wouldn't have won this
if you weren't my science partner.

If you hadn't caught that trick
about the acids and the bases.

It was nothin'. [CHUCKLES]

No, it was totally something. Thanks.

[SNICKERS]

CONSTANCE: [GASPS] C'mon, you can do it.

...high scores come and go, but...

-Um, can I, um, sit with you guys?
-Sure.

-[SLURPS]
-Oh, let me get you another milk!

You don't have to...

-No more milk.
-[GASPS]

Moira, you know, I think you did
short me a quarter yesterday

and I think you've shorted me before
and I think...

I think you owe me this milk, Moira.

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]

-Here!
-Thanks.

Need help carrying the big pen home?

-[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
-And I'm on the highest level of the game.

-Hey, do you need any help?
-Oh, oh, no, no.

You need to have your hands free
so you can gesture when you talk.

AUTOMATED VOICE: Piggy say yum.

Milo, Nicky?

Pepper Ann would like to schedule
an afterschool at Burger Fortress

with the both of you,
provided you're available.

-You made Constance your social director?
-No! Of course not!

-Yes. She also checks my homework.
-[SIGHS]

PEPPER ANN: Nicky,
don't look at me that way.

You didn't see her carrying that big pen.
She's never been happier!

I mean, geez! It's not like
I don't value her as a person.

If you value Constance as a person,
why do you keep calling her "her"?

-She's sitting right next you.
-Top you off, boss?

-Consty...
-Did you hear that, Momsie?

Someone else has my name!

Constance, stop.
You don't have to do this.

But look at the cross stitching.

Hmm.

Constance, why are you doing
all this stuff for me?

I guess I, uh, kind of wanted
some of your coolness to rub off on me.

You wanna be like me?

Well... [CHUCKLES] ...you know,
you're always doin' stuff.

You learn a new lesson every week!
Sometimes two!

Consty, you're cool, too.

So I'm going to show you how to be...
cool like me,

but different from the cool
you currently are.

You guys were right
about how I was treating Consty.

-Hey! I know a kid named Consty.
-PEPPER ANN: And to make it up to her,

I'm going to help her in her quest
to become as cool as me.

That is so sweet... What?

Constance Goldman come on down!

Get ready to improve, Constance.
To shake things up.

To do things a little differently
from now on.

Consty, do you know what makes me
different from you?

A combination of genetics
and the whole of your experience?

I push the envelope. Watch.

[GASPING] Pepper Ann, what are you doing?

One more millimeter
and the entire constructive-integrity

of the peach tower will be compromised!

You just don't get it.
I'm seeing how far I can go.

I'm out there on the edge. I'm...
[GASPS]

[SCREAMS]

Um, don't worry.
We're, uh, can inspectors. Yeah.

Everything is peachy keen.

-[ALL LAUGH]
-Do you get it, Melba?

They were cans of peaches
and she said peachy!

-[LAUGHS] That's wit!
-[LAUGHS] What a charming girl!

Heavy syrup... [GROANS] So heavy...

Don't just step off the stairs, leap off.

In the shower,
always make a lather mohawk.

Never say no to stuffing
unless it's got raisins...

[GROANS]

-[SCREAMS]
-[STUDENTS LAUGH]

[LAUGHS]

[SIGHS]

-Are you all right?
-Sure.

Um, just suffering from an acute case
of looking like a dork.

Oh, this is nothing!

One time, I sneezed while eating a calzone
and ricotta shot out my nose.

[LAUGHS] Thanks, Constance.

And you don't look like a dork.
But you do look acute.

Did you see that?
I talked to a guy I like

in... in front of everybody
and I didn't throw up or anything!

Yeah, yeah, I saw.

You know, what I would've done is stammer,
mess up, send him secret admirer flowers,

and finally tell him after the whole thing
turns into a romantic disaster.

Then, it was I who ripped the leg
off his childhood teddy bear

to keep as a precious momento.

Um, are you serious?

And why didn't you laugh
at that whole Lamar thing?

Didn't you see?
He dropped his soda!

I mean... psst! [MIMICKS SCREAMING]

[CHUCKLES] We gotta work
on your sense of humor.

-Wait. Did you say you like Lamar?
-Well, yeah.

-We'll do the secret admirer thing!
-Oh, I don't know. It kinda sounded...

-Hello? Constance, be like me?
-[SIGHS]

Okay, Consty, here's the plan.
Two words, intensity and focus.

Okay. Lamar splits for math class
and you go for the drop off.

You get to his locker, make the drop,
and hail your hiney out of there.

And a romantic misadventure
that results in happy couplehood begins.

Pepper Ann, are you sure
that's the only way to do this?

It is, if you wanna be like me.

Oh, there he goes!
Take it to the hoop, Consty!

-Hi.
-Hey, hey, hey.

Fine! Consty and I are in the middle
of a secret admirer scheme

to endear her to Lamar, if you must know!
I was gonna use it on Craig, but...

[SIGHS] Pepper Ann...

CONSTANCE:
Okay, I just put these in Lamar's locker.

I know exactly what I'm doing.
I'm... Oh, what am I doing?

Maybe I don't need to do this
Pepper Ann's way.

Maybe I can do this my way.

I mean, I can talk to crowds at the mall.

And Moira. And Lamar.

-Hey, Lamar!
-Hey, Constance.

Um, I wanted to give these to you.

Me? Really? Why?

I think you're the bon-bon b*mb.

Uh, do you want to go to
the Freezy Pleezy with me sometime?

Yes. I would. Let's walk-n-talk.

It looks like Constance figured out
that the only person

she had to be like was herself.

-Exactly, Nicky.
-You mean...

You meant for Constance to go through
this whole thing just to find that out?

Pepper Ann, you're brilliant!

Aren't I?

Um, Moira?

I'll have the Take It To
The Scoop Sundae, please.

-[GASPS] Are you sure? I mean, that...
-I'm sure.

-Make it two, Charlie. Spoons, that is.
-[GIGGLES]

REFEREE: [BLOWS WHISTLE]
That's a penalty kick!

Give it up, Pearson!
No one's scored on me this whole season!

Save the psych-out for air hockey.

C'mon everybody! P.A., make-'em-pay!

P.A., make-'em-pay! P.A., make-'em-pay!

[GRUNTS]

-Yay! Go, P.A.! Way to go! Whoo-hoo!
-[CHEERING]

She is so cool!

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[MUSIC CONCLUDES]