03x04 - Def Comedy Mom/Career Daze

[bunniefuu]

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

Who's that girl? What's her name?
Is she cool? Is she lame?

Oh, you're talking about what's her name

-Pepper Ann!
-Pepper Ann!

Is she lame? Is she cool?
Is she breaking every rule?

Is she anybody's fool?

-Pepper Ann!
-Pepper Ann!

Pepper Ann! Pepper Ann!
Marching in her own parade

Pepper Ann, she's like one in a million

Pepper Ann! Pepper Ann!
Much too cool for seventh grade

Catch her if you can, Pepper Ann!

BOY: Who?

GIRL:
Is that that girl from gym class?

-BOY 2: No, that's me.
-GIRL: Oh.

GIRL 2: Who is she
and why does she have her own song?

BOY: Did someone take my lunch?

Pepper Ann! Pepper Ann!
Marching in her own parade

Pepper Ann, she's like one in a million!

Pepper Ann! Pepper Ann!
Much too cool for seventh grade

No one's cooler than Pepper Ann!

-She's her own biggest fan, Pepper Ann!
-Here's my remote control!

Catch her if you can, Pepper Ann!

[THEME MUSIC FADES]

FEMALE VOICE: It's you! It's you!

Hello, Peppie!

Why so glum?

[SIGHS] We started a new project
in art class today.

We have to make clay mugs.
I'm a tumbler girl not a mug girl!

LYDIA: Don't be afraid
to try something new.

One of the most satisfying things in life
is challenging yourself.

Uh-huh. Can we go yet?

My favorite Crazy Twin Shenanigans rerun
is starting soon.

It's the one where they go to Mars!

We'll leave in five minutes,
when my shift is over.

[BLOWING]

-Only four more minutes, Peppie.
-PEPPER ANN: Oh.

So? Notice anything different
about the tacos this week?

-No.
-They're the same as always.

That's where you're wrong!

Usually I load the shell,
meat, cheese, lettuce.

This week I loaded it meat,
lettuce, cheese!

You know, to mix it up!

Uh, cool. Anyway, I've gotta head.

Milo and I are going to Nicky's
to study "her" homework.

I'm gonna go hang with Crash.

-Bye!
-Bye!

But don't you want dessert?

-Do you need a ride? I could...
-[DOOR CLOSES]

Okay, bye.

Congratulations go to the eighth grade
who raised 42 dollars

for their weekend cake walk.

Don't forget next weekend
is the Mathletes cake walk.

It plus you, equals fun.

Okay.

The seventh grade is trying to raise money
for their variety show,

Color Me Hazelnut.

Any suggestions?

-FEMALE VOICE: How 'bout a cake walk?
-All in favor?

-Aye.
-Aye.

Nay! No more cake walks!

I am sick of this!
It's the same thing every meeting!

Can't we try something new for once?
How about a car wash?

ALL: Yeah!

FEMALE VOICE 1: That's a great idea.

MALE VOICE: That's crazy.

FEMALE VOICE 2:
So crazy, it just might work.

That's the spirit! Let's give a squirt
for our little squirts!

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

[GASPS] What is she doing?

You know, it's a wonder
we make these meetings every month.

PTA should stand for Parents Tired Always.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

And speaking of cake walks,
who made that an expression?

"That was a cake-walk."

What? Or, "easy as pie."

Have you ever made a pie?
It takes hours.

Let me tell you, there are plenty
of things to be easy as,

and a pie is not one of them!

-[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
-MALE VOICE: It's so true!

FEMALE VOICE: My side!

Wasn't that great? I mean, they liked me.
They really liked me!

You were really lucky, Mom.
You could have made a fool of yourself.

What's gotten into you, anyway?
You used to love cake walks!

Oh, I can't wait to tell Janie.
I just feel so alive!

I'm telling you, I read it.

They're making a Crunch Pod movie
and Brent Spiner is playing the...

MILO: Whoa, stop the proverbial presses.

NICKY: This is amazing.

PA, your birth mother is a true artist.

She not only designs clothes,
she designs witticisms for the masses.

She is showing a tremendous
amount of personal strength.

Public speaking
is the world's number one fear.

-She's my hero.
-[GROANS]

If I stink up the joint,
people will be laughing at me

instead of with me.
But that doesn't affect you.

Oh! I forgot, everyone in town
knows I'm your mother.

Oh, well.

Wasn't she even listening to me?

Hey, let's get in line now
so we're guaranteed seats.

Milo, that is ridic... Okay!

I must be getting sick,
because I fal-afel.

I can't use that in my act
because I don't have a travel crisper,

-otherwise I'd...
-What's going on, Mom?

Since when are you a stand-up comic?

Since when is your middle name
"Laugh Riot"?

-I think she's funny.
-You're young and naive.

You don't know how cruel people can be
when you make a fool of yourself.

Well, I don't plan
to "make a fool of myself."

I plan to challenge myself
and try something new.

But what about me?

Do you know how embarrassing it is to have
your mom try to be funny in public?

Can't you just get
your real estate license,

like normal moms?

Unfortunately for you, Peppie,
I'm not what you call a "normal" mom.

Now go upstairs and put a kibosh
on that sass of yours, young lady.

PEPPER ANN: Thanks for ruining my life!

I'm disturbed. I need to take a moment.

[BREATHES DEEPLY] That's better.
Maybe this won't be so bad after all.

Are you kidding?
It's going to be worse than you think!

-What are you saying?
-Your mom is going to do stand-up comedy.

She's going to talk about what she knows.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

MALE ANNOUNCER:
Get ready Hazelnut Amphitheater

for the comedy stylings of Lydia!

What's up, what's up?
Representin' Hazelnut!

You know, my daughter Pepper Ann
took a beautiful picture for her yearbook

and I want to show it to you.

-[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
-Wait a minute.

There we go!

That's much better!

-My daughter...
-Pepper Ann!

...and I went out the other day
to buy her first bra.

She got all embarrassed and said,
"Don't say that word!"

-I said, "What? Bra?"
-[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

It's nothing to be embarrassed about,
it's just a bra.

You're going out to buy
your first, cute, functional, little bra!

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING, CHEERING]

FEMALE VOICE: Lydia!

LYDIA: I mean, what happens
if I put a hot dog in the freezer?

-Does it become a cold dog?
-[LAUGHS]

-I don't know.
-Mommy, I feel sick.

I'm all gassy and bloated and... sick.

I shouldn't be left alone, ever.

Too bad you'll miss your show
tomorrow night,

but you have a sick child at home
that needs your special brand

-of TLC.
-[STEVE SCREECHES]

Peppie, I don't know
what you're trying to do,

but I don't feel
like you're being very supportive of me.

Mom, you're going to make
a complete fool of yourself

and make me the laughingstock
of the entire town.

You might as well just call me
Peppie Laughing Stocking!

Well... if it's going to bother you
that much Pepper Ann,

then I... I just won't perform.
It's really not that big of a deal.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

there are mushrooms in the kitchen
that need dicing.

Way to go, Peppie.
Now we have to eat mushrooms.

-We'll be the first Lydia-Heads.
-Won't that be delightful!

Pepper Ann should be very grateful.

Why so glum, Peppie?
You got want you wanted.

And if everything is fine with you,

well then that's good enough
for me because...

Don't say it! I know, I know!

What are you doing, Mom?
You don't have time to cook!

Your show starts in a couple of hours.

But Peppie, I thought you said
I would embarrass you.

Mom, that was ten minutes ago.
I am older now. Wiser.

Besides, this isn't about me,
it's about you.

If this is what makes you happy,
then you have to do it.

Oh, Peppie!

Sometimes I want to spread you
on a cr*cker and eat you up.

I'm going to tell my grandchildren
about this.

I've always wanted
an "I was there when it began" story.

Her courage is overwhelming.

I know it's a comedy show but...
I may weep!

Yeah! Yeah! Go Lydia!

-[MIC FEEDBACK]
-Hello.

-It's grand to, um...
-Come on, Mom. You can do it.

Wouldn't it be horrible to watch someone
so nervous like that for an hour?

You'd be more uncomfortable
than the performer.

Anyway, I'm a working Mom
and that means...

-Brilliant opening. What a twist.
-[SOBS]

And I say to myself,
why can't we have windows

in the mall where I work?

Even prisoners have windows! Ow! Ow!

Someone told me they lived in a vacuum.

It was a crumb from my carpet.

If the whole pineapple is 80 cents,
how much is a piece of it?

If the only man in your life
is your kid's principal,

you could be a single working mother.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

If you have a large assortment of bags,
bags of groceries, lunch bags,

and bags under your eyes,
you could be...

AUDIENCE: A single working mother!

Thank you. Good night!

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

That was hilarious!

-And so original!
-That's right. One at a time.

Let's all remain civilized.

Did I mention that that was my mom?
Oh, yeah. We go way back.

Oh, Lydia, you were fabulous!
Simply fabulous!

Faboo, faboo.

You must headline our Wednesday night
comedy shows on a permanent basis.

-Well, thank you, I...
-If that's going to happen,

there's gonna have to be
some major changes around here.

First of all, that dressing room
you gave her was a joke, right?

I mean, it had to be a joke.

Thank you, I'm very flattered,
but my comedy days are over.

[GASPS] Did you see that?

Another brilliant one
has slipped through my fingers.

-Mom, what are you doing?
-I told you, Peppie.

I wanted to try something new and I did.

I'm glad I did it,
but between you girls and my career,

my life is plenty full.

-But I thought you wanted to be happier.
-Oh, I am happier.

Challenging myself made me realize
that I don't have to be stuck in a rut

because I hold the key
to my own happiness.

-Do you understand?
-Yeah. I guess.

Man, and I thought I changed my mind
every ten minutes.

However your mom chooses
to express herself,

-we'll be there to support her.
-A Lydia-head is a loyal-head.

These pocket tees are lovely, versatile,

and won't put a dent
in your pocketbook!

-[CHUCKLES]
-[CHUCKLES]

[BOTH SIGH]

-It's not really the same, is it?
-Not even close.

Hello students,

and welcome to Hazelnut Middle School's
"Have No Fear About Your Career Day".

Today is the day to start thinking
about your futures.

There is no limit to what you can become.

All I ask is that you explore
the possibilities

this day has to offer.
And above all, keep an open mind.

Pepper Ann, I just don't see
what you have against Career Day.

Uh, how about the fact that it's lame?

They don't even have
one Nobel Prize winning scientist here.

Yeah, but look who they do have!

[SOBS]

MILO: You rock! You rock! [GROANS]

Pepper Ann, why do you think Mr. Finky
had us take those Career Placement Tests?

To keep us from noticing
his awful new hairweave?

Uh, no. Because he wants to expose us
to new and exciting jobs

that suit our individual interests.

For me, it's about exploring
what kind of art I wanna be known for.

Impressionism, Post-modernism,

biting political satire
through glass blowing...

And while I'm definitely leaning
towards a career as a concert violinist,

there's always been something
about the cello

that really moves my metronome.

Tell it to the test tube, sister,

'cause I already know
what I'm gonna be.

[GASPING] I've done it!

Instant carnival goldfish
that don't die when you take them home!

[CROWD CHEERING]

Yup. I'm destined to become...
a middle school principal?

Now remember home skillets,

these careers have been hand-picked
especially for you

by state-of-the-art computers.

This is a joke, right?

You know what they say,
PA, computers don't lie.

It's true!

My mater's computer says
I am the perfect body weight

for my height!

Stockbroker? Stockbroker?
What's a stockbroker?

One who monitors how much money
companies are worth.

You advise your clients when to buy, sell,

and trade shares of various businesses
hoping to make them a profit.

Oh... Stockbroker?

Don't be discouraged.

There must be a reason
why you were both chosen for these jobs.

The important thing is that
we all give these career tests a chance.

Um, excuse me, Mr. Finky.

I think you must've handed me
Shelf McClain's results by mistake.

Who said my name? Who?

Sorry, Nick-ster!
Those results are all yours.

-Butcher?
-I don't even eat meat!

Now that you peeps have been matched
with a career,

your assignment is to spend
three groovy hours a day

for the next week getting an up-close,
hands-on look at your futures.

[ALL SIGH]

My life is worse than trash.

It's the liquid sludge that leaks out
of the trash bag

and drips all over your shoes.

Hey, if you're destined to become
a middle school principal,

you might as well make the best of it.

Karma. That's what this is.

I mean, geez, you make one little comment
about a guy's mole hair...

It's like Nicky said, give it a chance.

Think of all the positive changes
you could make.

Like giving all my friends "A's"?

Like fixing things at school
instead of just complaining about 'em.

This is your destiny.
You can make a difference.

[GASPS]

-Good morning, Mr. Hickey!
-[SCREAMS]

Pearson. Wonderful.

What are you in for this time?
Disrupting class?

Stink bombing the teachers' lounge?

Were you whistling suggestively
at the boys wrestling team again?

No. Well, yes.
But that's not why I'm here.

My career test says that I should become
a middle school principal.


Well, well, well.

In the immortal words
of an angry young diva-in-training,

"isn't it ironic."

-Look, if you think you're going...
-[INTERCOM BUZZES]

VERA: Sir, I have a report of a Code Six
in the auditorium.

Pearson, stay here.
And for the love of life lock the door.

Out I tell you! My Music Department

won't tolerate any more
of your pointless interruptions.

I don't give a flying flute
about your puny little band rehearsal.

My Drama Club reserved this auditorium
months ago!

Through whom? The Reservation Fairy?
Perhaps you can give me his number

and I'll have him pixy-dust
your mouth closed!

-[ROARS]
-All right, you two.

There's obviously been
some sort of mix-up.

I suggest we handle this
in our usual manner.

You know the rules,
three rounds, no jewelry,

no punches below the belt.

Stop it, you two.

Look, it's obvious you're both
passionate people

who want to bring culture
to an otherwise dreary school.

If you'd just stop fighting

and channel that passion
into something constructive,

we could have the best music
and drama departments

this town has ever seen.

[SIGHS] Owen. It's like
I see you in a whole new light.

And I you, Abriola. And I you.

Meow!

You did it. Being a principal rocks.
Nicky was so right.

NICKY: I was so wrong.

-Nicky, hon? You feelin' okay?
-Yes. Please continue.

Well, as I just demonstrated,

it's the job of the butcher
to slice the animal carcasses

-into large wholesale cuts.
-Oh, oh, my.

You got your rump roasts, beef briskets,
lamb shanks, pig trotters, and look,

a brand-new shipment of cow tongues.

You sure you're feelin' okay?

-PEPPER ANN: Did it hurt?
-It could've been worse.

Thankfully, a pile of ground beef
broke my fall.

Nicky, I know it's hard,
but this is gonna be your career.

The sooner you come to terms with it,

the sooner you can start
enjoying yourself.

I mean, look at me!

I love everything about being a principal.

Why should I let some stupid test
distract me from being a musician?

Mozart never worked as a bail bondsman.
Yo-Yo Ma was never a telemarketer.

That doesn't sound like the Nicky I know.

The Nicky I know said,
"The important thing is,

"that we all give these career tests
a chance."

[SIGHS] Where's Milo?
Surely he can sympathize with my plight.

Buy, Morty. 'Ya gotta buy now.
I'm tellin' 'ya, fishsticks is the future.

Guys! You're not gonna believe this,

but I actually have a knack
for picking the numbers.

I just signed my 16th client!

Nicky, thank you.
That test was the best thing I ever took.

Oh, Milo, surely you exaggerate.

-Hey, pumpkin.
-Dad? What are you doing here?

I have an appointment to see Milo.

Since butcher school
would be so much cheaper

than the Ivy League,

your mother and I may have some extra
cash to play around with, cha-ching.

-[CHUCKLES]
-Oh.

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]


I can't go on this way, Pepper Ann.

I tried and I... [SNIFFLES] ...failed.

There, I said it! The "F" word!

But Nicky, you've come so far.
You can't quit now.

I wouldn't have to quit
if this were all a dream!

That's it! Please tell me
that this is all a dream. Please.

-Nicky?
-Yes, Pepper Ann?

You have pork fat in your hair.

Don't worry, Nicky.
My career isn't going that well either.

MALE VOICE: Five, four, three.

On tonight's
What's Right with Kids Today segment,

I have with me Pepper Ann Pearson.

This motivated youngster

has used her week-long
Career Day assignment

to show others like her
that they can make a difference.

What chutzpah.

Go to sleep little baby

When you wake you shall have

All the pretty little horses

-SHEEP: Hey, quit your crying already!
-Who said that?

It's too bad you'll be grinding meat
for the rest of your days!

-[GASPS]
-[PIG SNORTS]

Grindin' and choppin' and choppin' and...

-Be quiet!
-What's wrong? Are you in a bad mood?

-Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!
-Nicky, get a hold of yourself!

I'm sorry. It's just the stress
and the taunting of pigs...

Nicky, hon, maybe you're not cut out
for this line of work.

But the Career Placement Test says
this is where I belong.

You should do whatever you want to do
and be whatever you want to be.

Who cares
what some computer printout says?

Really?

My Career Placement Test said
I should have been a concert violinist.

I'd have been miserable.

I have no ear for music,
I love the fast-paced world of meats.

It's my passion,

and in the end doesn't that mean more
than some test?

La, la, la, la, la, la

-What's going on?
-Milo's stockbroker days are over.

All my clients are in the poorhouse.
But it wasn't my fault.

I've always said giving stock advice
was like flipping a coin.

How so?

Well, when they asked my advice,
I flipped a coin.

I blame the coin.

At least your job worked out better
than mine did.

What do you mean?
You said you loved everything

about being a middle school principal.

Well, not everything.

Pepper Ann, you must really love
the seventh grade.

As a principal, you will, in effect,
be in middle school day after day,

year after year until you retire,
which will be when?

In 40 years? Half a century?

-[GASPS]
-SHERRIE: Pepper Ann? Uh, hello?

I thought those career tests
were supposed to steer us

in the right direction.

There's no reason to live or die
by those test results.

The whole point of Career Day

was to open our eyes to new possibilities
and that's exactly what it did.

Man, being stuck in a job you hated
would be the worst.

Could you imagine?

This is all Pearson's fault.
She set me up just to knock me down.

Cry me a river, Herbert.

-Cry me a river.
-No! No!

Don't make me go back!
I don't want to go back to work!

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[MUSIC FADES]