04x03 - Pepper Shaker/Flaw and Order

[bunniefuu]

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

Who's that girl? What's her name?
Is she cool? Is she lame?

Oh you're talking about what's her name

-Pepper Ann!
-Pepper Ann!

Is she lame? Is she cool?
Is she breaking every rule?

Is she anybody's fool?

-Pepper Ann!
-Pepper Ann!

Pepper Ann! Pepper Ann!
Marching in her own parade

Pepper Ann, she's like one in a million

Pepper Ann! Pepper Ann!
Much too cool for seventh grade

Catch her if you can, Pepper Ann!

MALE VOICE: Who?

FEMALE VOICE:
Is that that girl from gym class?

-MOOSE: No, that's me.
-FEMALE VOICE: Oh.

FEMALE VOICE: Who is she
and why does she have her own song?

PEPPER ANN: Did someone take my lunch?

Pepper Ann! Pepper Ann!
Marching in her own parade

Pepper Ann, she's like one in a million!

Pepper Ann! Pepper Ann!
Much too cool for seventh grade

No one's cooler than Pepper Ann!

-She's her own biggest fan, Pepper Ann!
-Cool! A singing Dieter doll.

-Catch her if you can, Pepper Ann!
-[DOLL SINGING]

[THEME MUSIC FADES]

[EERIE MUSIC PLAYING]

[WIND CHIMES RATTLING]

[SIGN CREAKING]

[CARTS RATTLING]

-[RUMBLING]
-Earthquake!

Cool.

Hello? Hello?

Ooh, fascinating.

[SNORING]

Oh! I got peanut butter on my chocolate.

And chocolate in my peanut butter!

SHERRIE: Reporting live from Abe's Mall.

This is Sherrie Spleen
with the very latest on the devastation

and destruction
caused by this morning's quake.

A quake with enough brutal force

to nearly topple the stovepipe hat
right off Abe Lincoln.

Please stay with us for
Diary of an Earthquake,

the Hazelnut cr*cker.

-Girls, get dressed or you'll be late.
-Mom, it's 4:00 a.m.

Besides, I hardly think
school is going to be open today.

-I mean, we just had an earthquake.
-An earth what?

It was just a three-point-two.
Nothing even fell off the shelves.

SHERRIE: This just in.

A mini-mart surveillance tape
captures actual earthquake damage

as it happened.

Warning. The following footage
contains graphic material

that may be unsuitable
for our younger viewers.

Speaking live with the manager
of Slaptackies Mini Mart, here's Hal.

Uh... That's damaged goods.

It doesn't even look like a bear anymore.
Its nose is all pushed in.

-I wouldn't buy it.
-There you have it.

So far, the quake has amassed
an alarming 67 cents in damages.

The emotional cost? Immeasurable.

-No blade-age?
-After that earthquake?

-[CHUCKLES] I don't think so, Mi-loco.
-There was an earthquake?

This morning at 3:41 a.m.

The epicenter was two miles south
of Greezy N' Cheezy.

[SCREAMS] The one time natural disaster
strikes and I sleep right through it.

There might be an aftershock.

-Aftershock?
-Aftershock?

A quake of lesser magnitude,
usually one of a series,

following a larger earthquake
in the same area.

[GULPS] One in a series?

Don't worry,
the quake was probably too small

to generate noticeable
aftershocks anyway.

Nicky, how can you be so glib?
How can you sleep at night

knowing the Big One
could hit at any moment?

Pepper Ann, you can rest easy
as long as you're prepared.

A concept I covered thoroughly
at my Crisis Management Seminar

which, may I point out,
neither of you bothered to attend.

Nicky, how many times
do we have to tell you,

we didn't go, because it sounded boring.
Just tell us what we need to know now.

[SIGHS]

One of the best ways
to prepare for an emergency,

is to prepare an emergency kit.
Pack only the essentials.

You want to be able to pick up and go
at a moment's notice.

Check.

-[RUMBLING]
-Earthquake!

-Take cover!
-It's not an earthquake.

[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]

But I was so ready.

NICKY: Learning basic first aid
and CPR is crucial.

You never know when
you'll be called upon to save a life.

-[PEPPER ANN GRUNTING]
-Pump! One, two, three.

-Live, darn you, live!
-[RUMBLING]

Was that one?

[SIGHS] No.

Oom-pah-pah! Hello! [SCREAMS]

[CLATTERING]

I'm sure he's fine.

Now, don't you feel better
about your ability to handle a disaster?

An earthquake, maybe,
but what about floods, fire, or locusts?

-[GASPS]
-Now you're being paranoid.

You can't live your life
just expecting disaster to strike.

Speak for yourself, Missy.

I'm hoarding fish sticks
and you can't stop me!

Nicky honey, time for your
XFiles.fanclub.conspiracy meeting!

Oh, goody!

Call me!

I'm not paranoid.

TREE: Uh, I'd get away
from this tree if I were you.

One well-placed bolt of lightning

and this baby's comin' down,
and taking you with it.

Don't be seduced by my historic charm.

I'm so old, I'm liable to crumble
at the slightest tremor.

[SCREAMS]

Hey! I'm just a five-alarm fire
waiting to happen.

And who knows if I work.
I haven't been tested in ages!

I may have rabies.

[SCREAMS, GASPS]

I've been leaning like this for ten years.

I don't know how much longer

-I can keep this up.
-[PEPPER ANN SCREAMS]

FIRE HYDRANT:
Whatever happened to safety first?

TELEPHONE POLE:
My wiring is frayed and brittle!

LAMP POST: I'm outdated and dangerous!

[PANTING] What is this place?

[SIGHS] No, Peppie, we don't need one.

But, Mom, a b*mb shelter
could double as a storm shelter

in case of a tornado.

Come twister or nuclear apocalypse,
we're covered.

Mm-hmm. Cold w*r's over, honey.
Time for bed, c'mon.

Ha ha ha, no. No way.
Until that inspector comes

to evaluate the structural stability
of this house,

I am sleeping outside.

Besides, I could stand
to practice my survival skills.

[SIGHS] Goodnight, Peppie.

[CRICKETS CHIRPING]

Goodnight.

-[MILO AND NICKY SCREAM]
-[GASPS]

Pepper Ann, what is all this?

-PEPPER ANN: Who sent you?
-Nobody sent us.

We just thought
you'd like to join us for frozurt.

PEPPER ANN: And leave my tent?
It's just not safe.

Any number of disasters could happen.
In my tent, I'm prepared for anything.

-She's not coming back out, is she?
-My foot is touching my ear.

PEPPER ANN: Sunday, March 3rd, 1400 hours.

Though tempted, I refuse to leave
the safety that is my tent.

Danger lurks everywhere, but not here,
oh no, not here.

Sunday, March 3rd,
1400 hours, two minutes.

I have fashioned eating utensils
from some twigs and twine.

Who knows what mind-altering metals
are secretly slipped into our factories?

Sunday, March 3rd, 1400 hours,
five minutes.

I admit the endless solitude
is starting to eat away at my soul,

but my mind is strong. I need no one.

[SCREAMS] I have my dried mariachi frogs
for company

and that's all I need for this,

my unblinking vigil
against the unforgiving power we call...

[YAWNS]

...nature.

[GRUNTING]

[INTENSE MUSIC PLAYING]

[SCREAMS]

-It's just another aftershock.
-I still can't get use to 'em.

Don't be so hard on yourself.

If it weren't for you, we'd be out there,
lost, alone, desperate.

Thank goodness
you were so well prepared for disaster.

MILO: Intruders!

-PEPPER ANN: Where?
-NICKY: Oh no!

[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]

[ROCK MUSIC FADES]

-I see you, Pepper Ann.
-What happened to you?

Apparently, ze metals zat were
secretly slipped into our factories

veren't just mind-altering.

-I knew it!
-Enough chitter-chatter!

Give us your survival provisions
and no vun gets hurt.

-Never!
-Give us the girl and we'll talk!

-[SCREAMS]
-I said never!

[PRINTER WHIRRING]

[GASPS] A disturbance at Lake Tammy.

A giant tsunami is headed our way!

[GASPS] Nicky! Milo! Run!

I've got to warn them!

-[PEPPER ANN YELLS]
-[NICKY AND MILO GRUNT]

Higher ground!
Must get to higher ground!

The tsunami is coming!

Finally, a noodle house in Hazelnut!

Would you listen to yourself?

This is Hazelnut, Pepper Ann.
We don't have natural disasters.

We don't even have flu epidemics.
We don't have anything!

-[PANTS] But what about the earth...
-SHERRIE: Quake or fake?

After an in-depth investigation,
WNUT's news team has discovered

that last week's 3.2 shaker
was no quake at all.

Just strong vibrations
from a special effects expl*si*n

staged by Hollywood producer,
J.D. Gilbreth

for his action thriller, D-Day for Love.

Coming this summer to a theater near you!

I guess I may have been acting
a teeny bit paranoid.

Pepper Ann, being prepared is smart,

but you can't let the fear of disaster
paralyze you.

You're right.

And it's like you said, this is Hazelnut,
we don't have disasters.

[COMPUTERS BEEPING]

Briptzeek!

MILO: Was that one?

-PEPPER ANN: No!
-NICKY: No!

Hola, classe.

History has a little score to settle
and you fresh prince and princesses,

are going to slug it out, in a mock trial.

Mr. Finky? Is that anything like
a mock turtleneck?

'Cause they, like, make my neck itch?
Um, I have a note?

Uh, no, Cissy.

A mock trial
is a trial we act out in class.

Ours is gonna be
about the Boston Tea Party.

Here's the sitch.

The American revolutionaries dumped
mucho tea into Boston harbor

to protest unfair taxes.

In our trial, the tea company will sue
the Americans

for the cost of the lost tea.

-Who cares about a little tea?
-You should, Chaka Khan!

The Boston Tea Party
was one of the inciting incidents

of the American Revolution.

Without it, we may still be
a British colony.

That's my point.

I mean, those revolutionaries
founded an entire nation.

If they had to sacrifice a few tea bags
in the process, what's the big deal?

Sounds like someone's volunteering

to be the defense attorney
for the Americans.

-Go, USA!
-Looks like Milo's got your back!

Ah... Count me in, too.

All I know is that, if that were my tea
floating in that harbor,

those revolutionaries would have
a lot more than taxes to cry about.

Jeepers, creepers!
We've got ourselves a prosecutor.

You'll have to prove that the tea company
deserves to be paid back

for the dumped tea.

As a committed student
of our justice system,

I submit my name for the role of judge.

-You're on, Your Honor.
-That's perfect, Nicky!

With you in my pocket I'm sure to...

If you're expecting special treatment,
you're way outta line, Missy!

I'm a fair and impartial judge!

We can be friends again after the trial.

And so ends the case,

"Just Because I'm a Heavy Sleeper
Doesn't Mean You Can Steal My Kidney."

PA, shouldn't we be studying?

Studying? Milo, this country
wasn't founded by library geeks.

It was founded by men and women
of action, vigor, joie de vivre...

Peppie, can you help me set up
this new answering machine?

And get off the couch?

Relax, Milo. There's no way we can lose.

Even if we do owe money,
the jury's not going to make us pay.

We're the Americans!

-PA, they're really working hard.
-That's because they need to.

We don't need books,
or costumes, or math.

We have history on our side.

And we're gonna make
like Plymouth and rock!

Today a very special edition
of The Hazelnut People's Court.

This Middle School history class
has let our cameras into their mock trial

for The Case of the Oversoaked Tea Bags.

Let's meet the plaintiff.

Trinket's team is representing
the East India Tea Company.

They claim the Americans
owe their client big

for the tea they dumped
in that fateful harbor centuries ago.

And here comes the defense.

Pepper Ann and team are defending
the American revolutionaries.

-Go America!
-Go America!

All rise. Justice Nicky Little presiding.

You've all been sworn in
and I've read your complaints.

Plaintiff, please make
your opening remarks.

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury,

today we present our case
against the American revolutionaries.

We intend to prove,

not only that these rapscallions
dumped excessive tea,

but that in doing so,

they irrevocably ruined
the image of tea in America,

causing the East India Tea Company

to lose billions of dollars
in future revenues.

I give you Exhibit A.

And so, if not for the Boston Tea Party...

And the subsequent rise
in coffee consumption...

-Our country today...
-Would be dotted...

-By thousands of...
-Trendy...

-Grungy...
-Artsy...

-Overpriced... tea houses!
-Tea houses!

And that is Exhibit ZZZ,
our 78th and last piece of evidence.

PA, do we have any exhibits?

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury,

I give you the only exhibits
the defense needs.

Exhibits U, S and A!

-Go, America!
-Go, America!

Pearson, you are flirting
with contempt of court.

This is the plaintiff's day
so clam up, sit down, or ship out!

Now I'd like to call a few witnesses.

King George, as ruler of England
and the colonies,

you were greatly disturbed
by the incident in Boston, were you not?

I say, old chap,

the crown was jolly good
to her colonies in America.

We never expected to have
our tea dumped so, old chap.

Thank you, Your Majesty.

"Thank you, Your Majesty."

I know this is difficult,
but please tell us,

in your own words,
what happened that night.

[SNIFFLES]

I was cleaning one of the cabins
when they came on board.

They took our tea,
they dumped it overboard,

-and they said, "Ha!"
-[ALL GASP]

For my last witness,
I call Ms. Lydia Pearson to the stand.

-[ALL GASP]
-Mom?

Ms. Pearson, you are the mother
of the lead counsel

for the defense, correct?

Yes, that's correct.
Oh, I'm so proud of my Peppie.

It seems like just yesterday
she was running around buck...

Uh-huh. That's sweet.

Ms. Pearson, would you kindly dial
your home number for the court.

LYDIA: You have reached
the Pearson Residence.

Please leave a message after...

PEPPER ANN: Relax, Milo.
There's no way we can lose.

Even if we do owe money,
the jury's not going to make us pay.

We're the Americans!

LYDIA: Quiet, Peppie!
I'm trying to record a message...

[GASPS]

A blatant admission of guilt!
The prosecution rests.

[INDISTINCT ARGUING]

Court adjourned.

Tomorrow, 9:00 a.m., we hear the defense.
Don't be late.

So, who's up for Greezy N' Cheezy?

Cheer up, guys. Tomorrow's our day.

Pepper Ann, we don't have any evidence
or witnesses.

We can't win this case!

Gwen Mezzrow, Gwen Mezzrow, Gwen Mezzrow,

we've already won this case
because we won the Revolutionary w*r.

Why get up there and waste our breath
to prove the obvious?

-Hmph!
-Gwen Mezzrow, wait!

-How could you, Pepper Ann?
-Milo, don't go.

We're gonna take that court
by storm tomorrow.

Call up our own witnesses!

Show everyone
that the U, S of A is a-okay!

My country, 'tis of thee

Sweet land of liberty, of thee I sing...

Land where my fathers died
Land of the pilgrims' pride

From every mountainside
Let freedom ring

Where were you at 2:00 p.m.,
on Sunday,

November 31st, 1773? Huh? Huh...

I say, old chap,
November only has 30 days, old chap.

No further questions.

What are you gonna do?
You gonna start blubbering again?

Go cry in your Shepherd's Pie,
you pasty, tea drinking...

Pearson, did you just call the witness
to the stand to badger her,

or do you actually have a question?

-Uh...
-Oh, why me every time?



Let's hear closing statements.

Our case has been presented
with reliance on truth and substance,

not to mention panache
and impeccable spin.

I rest my case!

Okay, this has gone far enough.

Trinket may have thrown around
some "evidence,"

but the fact is, we are Americans.

We don't drink tea
and we don't take any crud.

So, let's just tell it like it is,
if you're not a Brit, you must acquit.

If you're not a Brit, you must acquit!

Hmm, I have to admit, eet iz catchy.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

After only six shocking minutes
of deliberation,

the jury is ready to render a verdict.
Let's go inside.

Although we admire the chutzpah
of the revolutionaries,

Trinket has proven
beyond a shadow of a doubt

that the tea company was never reimbursed
for the cost of the lost tea.

We find for the plaintiff.

The court finds the defense liable
for 246 billion dollars

in lost potential revenue
payable in mock money.

Court adjourned.

What? Are you insane? We can't lose.

The dumping of that tea was a statement
against tyranny and injustice.

It represents every value
this country was founded upon.

Um, Pepper Ann, I said court adjourned.

England had been unfairly taxing
the colonists for years.

By the time of the Tea Party
the revolutionaries had paid

more than enough in taxes
to cover the cost of the dumped tea.

-You know...
-If you look at it...

-That way...
-Maybe England...

-Is the one...
-Who owes the tea company.

-[GASPS] What have...
-[GASPS] We done?

[SOBBING]

[GASPS] If we had known that,

our verdict would have been
quite different.

Everyone knows that!
It's called history, people! Open a book.

Looks like you took a few things
for granted in this case.

You know what happens when you assume?
You get a "C" for the mock trial!

[GROANS]

And so ends the case
of "The Oversoaked Tea Bags."

-Brilliant case, Trinket.
-I know.

Your hair smells like strawberries.

And here come today's big losers.

In the 20 years
that Mr. Finky's been teaching this class,

you are the only team to ever lose
for the Americans.

-Comments?
-[SIGHS] It wasn't the team. It was me.

I was so sure I was right,

I didn't bother trying
to convince anyone else.

So, I'd like to apologize
to my teammates, to my country,

to every little child,
eyes wide with wonderment

at their first glance
at the of the Jefferson Memorial...

-That's enough, Pepper Ann.
-To every old woman,

rising up on her creaking knees

at the first chords
of the national anthem...

Pepper Ann, you're embarrassing us.

To every gurgling baby who....

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[MUSIC FADES]