04x02 - G.I. Janie/Miss Moose

[bunniefuu]

Who's that girl? What's her name?
Is she cool? Is she lame?

Oh, you're talking about what's her name

-Pepper Ann!
-Pepper Ann!

Is she lame? Is she cool?
Is she breaking every rule?

Is she anybody's fool?

-Pepper Ann!
-Pepper Ann!

Pepper Ann! Pepper Ann!
Marching in her own parade

Pepper Ann, she's like one in a million

Pepper Ann! Pepper Ann!
Much too cool for seventh grade

Catch her if you can, Pepper Ann!

-BOY: Who?
-GIRL: Is that that girl from gym class?

-MOOSE: No, that's me.
-GIRL 1: Oh...

GIRL 2: Who is she
and why does she have her own song?

PEPPER ANN: Did someone take my lunch?

[SCHOOL BELL RINGING]

...Pepper Ann! Pepper Ann!
Marching in her own parade

Pepper Ann
She's like one in a million!

Pepper Ann! Pepper Ann!

Much too cool for seventh grade
No one's cooler than Pepper Ann!

She's her own biggest fan, Pepper Ann!

Iceberg, dead ahead!

...Catch her if you can, Pepper Ann!

[SHIVER]

-Mom?
-LYDIA: In here, Peppie.

[SLURPS, GASPS]

The Fun Station

One hundred and twenty-eight megabytes
of hard-hitting, brain-numbing action.

And it's not even my birthday.

Oh, I'm sorry, Peppie.
The game's not for you.

-It's for your Aunt Janie.
-Aunt Janie?

Aren't you a bit... How shall I put this?
Old for this sort of virtual thrill ride?

Oh! I'm compiling research for a study
on violence in videogames.

Since Jojo and Ned think
watching the National Log Rolling Finals

is more important
than saving today's youth... [INHALES]

...I thought I'd set up shop here.

You're gonna need someone
to show you the ropes.

Someone who plays all the time
in theaters.

Someone like, hey, I've got it. Me.

Okay. Let's see what games
you've rented here.

Oh! This is a good one. "Cuba Libre."

You're on a CIA suicide mission
to overthrow Castro.

Celebrity Stalker,
it's pretty much self-explanatory.

Oh, dear.

And then there's my personal favorite.
Warmonger.

You're a renegade Green Beret,
boldly disregarding UN peace initiatives

to wage a one-man w*r
against the sinister General Zohn.

Children play this?

Aunt Janie, relax.
These are only games, see?

-Not reality.
-But all this violence.

It must be having some negative effect
on today's young people.

All I know is I've been playing
these videogames my entire life.

Don't I seem like a normal,
well-adjusted pre-teen to you?

-Well...
-Then Warmonger it is.

My friends and I
have been trying for months

to reach the final level
and face General Zohn.

And what's the, um,
casualty count up to so far?

I just unleashed the germ-based
biological weapons.

-[MUSIC PLAYING OVER TV]
-PEPPER ANN: So let's see

which way the wind blows.

-It's worse than I imagined.
-Why don't you try it?

You can't expect to research violence
in videogames without actually playing.

Here. I'll set it on two-person
platoon as*ault mode.

Keep your eyes peeled, Aunt Janie.

You know, Pepper Ann,
I've spent a good part of my life

protesting senseless violence like this.

My generation seemed more concerned
with spreading peace.

Love. Mercy.

Mercy is for the weak.

[VIDEO GAME BEEPING]

-PEPPER ANN: We're under attack!
-What do I do?

Point and squeeze.

-Oh, my.
-[VIDEO GAME BEEPING]

That must be where they get
the expression, "Eat lead."

Pepper Ann, toss me that flamethrower.
We're gonna have us a commando cookout.

-[VIDEO GAME BEEPING]
-Come on, Peppie, bedtime.

[YAWNS] Night, Aunt Janie.
Good night, Mom.

Uh. Janie,
were you planning on going home?

You know, to your family? Jojo? Ned?

-[VIDEO GAME BEEPS]
-Huh? No. Sure, sure.

Right after I sweep and clear...
I mean, research level eight.

[SIGHS]

PEPPER ANN: I'm telling you,
Aunt Janie is totally into Warmonger.

-I think she played all night.
-That doesn't sound like your Aunt Janie.

Some studies have suggested
that even imaginary violence

can have a desensitizing effect.

-D... What-a-tising?
-NICKY: Desensitizing.

Meaning prolonged exposure
can make someone hardened and callous

to actual violence.

The line between fantasy and reality
becomes blurred.

But that's exactly the kind of thing
Aunt Janie's researching.

It could never happen to her.

[GULPS, BLOWS]

-Aunt Janie, you're still here?
-Never mind that.

I need you to call in an airstrike.

We're gonna paint this village
my favorite color, firestorm red.

Why don't you take a little break, huh?
Get some air.

Good idea. We could use a supply run.
I'll pause it here on level 38.

-[BEEPING]
-Level 38? I've never made it that far.

This is the list of everything we'll need
to make it to the final level.

General Zohn, here we come.

Number one, food.

We all need standard rations
to keep up our strength.

Janie! Estelle Sommers from the Women's
Organization for Empowerment.

We can't wait for your lecture
on the effects of violence in videogames.

-I...
-Back off, Estelle.

Don't make me bust you up.

[ENGINE REVVING]

Number two, a new recruit.

[HUMMING]

[TYRES SCREECH]

-Hey, P.A. What up, Aunt Janie?
-Number three, firepower.

CASHIER: These controllers,
they are on top-of-the-line.

[CHUCKLES]
The Game Blaster 150 is a nice piece.

Lightweight, multisystem compatible.

Look, we're not playing froggy hop here.

I'm looking for something nasty,
something that'll really set it off.

The Wimp Blaster 700.

We're talking rapid fire,
multi-directional shot capability.

Comes complete with memory chips

for night vision goggles
and laser sighting.

-You want one?
-No, I want all three.

Pepper Ann, your Aunt Janie
missed our Habitat for Huge Manatees

meeting today. Is she okay?

Oh, sure. Sure. Never better.

Let's get a move on, Corporal Ann.
We've got butts to kick and names to take.

[CHUCKLES]

-[TYRES SCREECH]
-[WHIMSICAL MUSIC PLAYING]

Dinner time, everybody. Now.

You know, Janie,
Jojo and Ned stopped by earlier.

They said you haven't been home
in a while.

Home? The b*ttlefield is my home.

PEPPER ANN: Remember what Nicky said
about desensitizing?

Aunt Janie's line between fantasy
and reality is totally blurred.

Fire in the hole!

She's fine.

Besides, no one in Hazelnut
has ever finished Warmonger.

We'll be heroes.

You can't just sit back
and watch Aunt Janie go off the deep end.

You have to do something...

-May I be excused?
-Why not?

Private Milo, Corporal Ann,
report to HQ! Double time!

[VIDEO GAME BEEPS]

Come on! Who wants some of this?

[GASPS] I can't take this yelling anymore!

-[VIDEO GAME BEEPING]
-Make it stop! Make it stop!

I won't have your cowardice
dishonoring this fine platoon!

-Drop and give me 20!
-It's my nerves. I...

Oh! I'm sorry. Did I say 20?

Make it 40!

Look sharp, troops. We're entering
General Zohn's headquarters.

I'm wounded. Can't keep up.

[BEEPS]

Aunt Janie, you just wasted Milo.

He was slowing us down.
I'd expect you to do the same to me.

What happened to peace, love, mercy?
You can't just...

[GENERAL ZOHN LAUGHING OVER TV]

-It's... it's...
-General Zohn.

[SNIFFS] He's close. I smell his fear.

[LAUGHS]

[BOTH SCREAM]

PEPPER ANN: Aunt Janie, I'm hit.

You just... [GROANS] ...go on without me.

-Okey-dokey.
-What? You're just gonna leave me here?

I figured only one of us would survive.

Can't make an omelet
without breaking a few eggs.

[GRUNTS]

I got him! [CHUCKLES] I got him!

This little piggy went to market.

-And this little piggy went straight to...
-Aunt Janie, don't do this.

We have orders to terminate him
with extreme prejudice.

It says so on the box.

Look at yourself.
Look at what you're doing. And for what?

You said it yourself, Pepper Ann.
This is all just a game. Remember?

That's right. It is just a game.
But what it's done to you is real.

[GASPS]

Oh, Pepper Ann. What's happened to me?

[BIRDS CHIRPING]

-[GROANS]
-[CLOUDS RUMBLING]

[SOMBER MUSIC PLAYING]

It's gonna be okay, Aunt Janie.
Everything's gonna be just fine.

It wasn't pretty. It wasn't right.

But it wasn't something I could control.

What happened to me
could happen to anyone.

The violence in today's videogames
may be imaginary,

just blips and dots on a screen.

But if we immerse ourselves
in this violence,

it can cross into our daily lives
and become all too real.

Take it from someone
who's been there. Thank you.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

That was wonderful, Janie. Top-notch.

In fact, you'd be just perfect
for our next research project.

Violence in cartoons.
Oh, it's just terrible.

Bombs blowing up in animals' faces,

Anvils Fl*ttening their heads.

If you could just watch
these 900 hours of...

-No!
-No!

-Oh, well... [GIGGLES]
-Oh! "Buzzy Goes to Hollywood."

[SCREAMS]

[COUGHS]

[GRUNTS]

[GRUNTS]

-[CROWD CHEERING]
-Moose! Moose!

P.A., your little brother
is one tough hazelnut

that refuses to crack.

He's kicking serious bootay.

[LAUGHS] Stew, I think you've caught
track meet fever.

Moose is my sister.

Oh! Oh! Wow. That's a...

-Wow. Sorry.
-Oh, don't worry about it, kid.

Moose!

To my little sister,
the greatest heavy ball thrower

in all of Hazelnut.

Shotput. It's called the shot put.

[GULPS, BURPS]

Hey, you're that heavy ball throwin' kid.
Purse for a Peck.

Hey! Hey, P.A.
Your little brother's remarkably gifted.

I haven't heard burping like that
since Dieter swallowed that whole ham.

Um. Hello. Lamar, eyes check lately?
Moose is my little sister.

I am so sorry. I had no idea.

I mean, I... I had... I had...
I had some idea, but...

but not... Um. See ya.

[POGO STICK CREAKS]

STEWART: Your little brother
is one tough hazelnut

that refuses to crack.

LAMAR: Your little brother
is remarkably gifted.

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]

-[MOOSE SCREAMING]
-GUARD: Let's go, Mac.

Wait, what are you doing?

That was the lady's room, Ditzy
This here is a little ball.

You're wrong! That's my little sister.

[BOTH GASP, GROAN]

[WATER BUBBLING]

[MOOSE BURPING]

[SIGHS] So, so sad.

Didn't she have an older sister
to show her how to be feminine?

Don't go soft on me, Lankershim.
We have to dissect that thing at 0200.

Hey, Pepper Ann. I thought you might like
these Marzipan Bunnies.

[GRUNTS]

Moose is a girl. Girl! Girl!

[PANTS]

-[FARTING SOUND]
-[GASPS]

[SLURPS, SPITS]

[BOTH LAUGH]

[GROANS]

Goal!

-Moose, check it out. I...
-Who are you?

Your older sister, Pepper Ann.

-Oh, yeah.
-Got you a present. Here.

Waxy joy red lipstick
in Pom-pom Pomegranate Red.

Cool.

She thought it was cool, Dutch,
there's hope.

But nobody in her grade wears lipstick.
And my name is Crash.

-Oh, you.
-Cool.

-[MUNCHES]
-BRAY OVER TV: Okay. We can work this out.

KAYLEE ON TV:
No, Bray, this is over.

It's Tuesday night, Peppie.

Why aren't we watching Tuesday Night
Pro-Wrestling Slam Nation?

'Cause Bel-Air High School is on.
Come on, sit, sit, sit.

[GRUNTS]

Um. I think that's Kaylee.

And, uh, she likes Brayden,
but Brayden likes this new girl.

-That's maybe new.
-I don't think so, Peppie.

Kaylee is breaking up with Brayden

because he cheated
with that girl, Shaundra.

It's really awkward
because they still have to run

-the school newspaper.
-[PEPPER ANN SNORING]

[SNORES]

Hey, Moose, have homework, assignment,
to give sibling new hairstyle.

MOOSE: [CHUCKLES] Marmaduke.
What are you gonna do with that much dog?

All done.

I look like Coolio. Fly.

-It's totally off the hook.
-No, no. You look like supermodel Mindy.

Awesome, Moose, you look like Coolio.

-She does not!
-Yes, she does.

[GASPS]

[SCREAMS]

Well, doesn't someone look pretty
this morning?

Where's all my stuff, Peppie?

This was the only thing in my closet.

Moose, those ratty dungarees
in your closet

weren't fit for circus roadies.

-So I gave them away to carnival roadies.
-I'm very irritated with you, Peppie.

Moose, I'm your big sister.

It's my responsibility
to bring you along in this world

and show you the high art of femininity.

[MUNCHES]

Wha... Where did I...

-When I get my stuff back, you get yours.
-I don't care. Take 'em.

No, no, no.
I'll put your stuff back right now.

Mega-blading is the light of my life.
The sun that I revolve around.

-[GROANS]
-PEPPER ANN: Please...

-[SCREECHING]
-...give me back my sun!

Thank you, Peppie.

[SIGHS]

Now I can make a home
for my new friends.

This is Ross.

Uh-oh! [GASPS]
Rachel's around here somewhere.

Oh! Oh, Peppie, thank you for going
to Moose's Big Shotput Meet.

-I just couldn't get away from the store.
-It's cool, Mom. I wanted to go.

That is so wonderful.

Still. I wanna do something
to make up for missing her big day.

I think she wants a new tool belt.

No! We should take her out
for a fancy meal.

Yeah. It'll be great. We'll go someplace
where she'll have to wear a dress,

and fix up her hair, and act demure.

Huh?

[SOFT MUSIC PLAYING]

Ma, why doesn't Moose have a nice dress?

Oh, she does. She just got it dirty
catching the wild ferret

that almost ruined your grandparents'
vow renewal ceremony.

Anyhoo, I love the pantsuit.
It's both tasteful and smart.

But the whole point
of coming to this fruit pile...

Pardonne?

-[GRUNTS]
-[GROANS]

-Oh!
-Oh...

Oh. Sorry.

[GULPS, MUCNCHES]

Hmm. Look, Moose. It's Evel Knievel.

-Oops.
-[GULPS]

[DINER GROANING]

[WHISTLES]

I'm gonna visit the restroom.

The restroom!

-Moose, stop!
-WAITRESS: Hold it, right there!

Listen, lady. This is my sister
and she is in fact a mademoiselle.

Of course your sister is a girl.
It is you I am not so sure.

With your stretching, and your yelling,

and your knocking off
the cherries jubilee.

Little girls are something
we thank heaven for.

They don't scream and chew their nails.

They play with dolls and make cookies,
and help Mommy with the laundry.

Little girls don't do that stuff anymore.
I mean, some do, but a lot don't.

We skate and play sports
and work with lumber.

Some women can even be maître d's
in fancy restaurants nowadays.

Now, if you'll pardonne-moi,
we're gonna go eat.

-[GASPS]
-Hey, Dieter.

Please don't yell at me!
I have no more bunnies.

I'm sorry about the other day.

-[WHIMPERS]
-If there's anything I can do

-to make it up.
-DIETER: Oh!

[EXHALES]
You made an honest mistake, Dieter.

The way Moose carries herself,
her interests...

-[MUNCHES]
-...her innate ability

to fix transmissions,
she's the tommiest-tomboy in town.

Oh! The whole bubble.

But on the other hand,
what's tommy and what's not anymore

in this topsy-turvy-world? What?

Is she supposed to stand around,
making zit cookies

and helping Mommy with the laundry?

Oh! It's just so horrifying to see a girl
who can burp loud enough

to solicit applause,

who shows a little strength and spunk
and can handle a wrench.

Give me that pizza back.

[CRIES, WHIMPERS]

You know what? My sister is the future,
and she is a girl.

Oh! You unhinged your shoulders!
That's gross!

Oh! So boys can unhinge their shoulders
and rebuild engines and girls can't?

Actually, I think joint unhinging is gross
no matter who's doing it.

I think it's cool.

Wait, don't you guys have the hang-ups,

that little boys are supposed to play
with army men and dirt,

and girls should play
with Suzy bake ovens and florist ribbon?

I have a Suzy bake oven.

I wanna be a chef when I grow up.

Don't cry, Sean. After the game,
you can make us all brownies.

Now, can we play some football?

Hey, wait! Um. Can I play?

-Sure.
-Cool. I can be all time QB.

Um. Peppie, you throw like a girl
that doesn't know how to throw a football.

-Why don't you block instead?
-No problem.

[GROANS] Hey, cut it out.

I just got the shirt on sale at the mall.

[GIGGLES] Sorry.

[WHIMSICAL MUSIC PLAYING]

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

[THEME MUSIC CONCLUDING]